Grown and Flown

 Many times as a mom I've spent time documenting, memorizing and counting the firsts: first smile, first step, first day of school. But sometimes you don't know the lasts until they are passed: the last climb-in-your-lap snuggle, the last time saying amp-elope instead of antelope, the last time asking for help zipping a coat.

On Sunday, with a small "holiday weekend" congregation, Dallin was asked to sit at the sacrament table, which hasn't happened in a while. The current Priests Quorum has it covered and Dal has been busy leading the music as the chorister, so I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard him bless the sacrament, but as he knelt to pray over the bread I knew that this was a last...likely the last time he'd bless the sacrament in our home ward. I wanted to memorize his voice, his inflection, the feeling of gratitude that my boy is worthy to perform this ordinance on behalf of our ward. I remembered the first time he blessed it; I felt nervous for him, hoping he'd get it right, hoping he was ready, hoping we'd reviewed with him all the things he needed to know.

He's grown in height and maturity since then. He's become so responsible, so capable, so grown! And tomorrow he's flying from the nest, away from home to experience his first apartment, his first time in college, his first foray into adulthood. I'm feeling those same feelings: Will he get it right? Is he ready? Did we review with him all the things he needs to know?

This morning I woke up with an ache to hike, and I wanted Dallin to come with me. Luckily, he's easy to convince so we headed to Pulpit Rock after we dropped Annie off at school. We followed worn trails, winding our way toward the steep climb up the rock formation that overlooks our city: Dallin's home since kindergarten. He doesn't seem nervous to leave or worried about college. The anxiety is left for me to hold, as it always has been at each of his first steps onto new paths. His new paths have always been mine, too. His growing was my growing; his new phase ushered in a new chapter for me, too. Sometimes, I didn't feel ready. 

When he was four years old and out playing the front yard of our new home in North Ogden, he met the neighbor kids and raced in to say, "Mom, they all are playing with squirt guns. Can I get mine out?" And then "Mom, they are all having popsicles. Can I have one?" And lastly, "Mom, they are going to play on the playset next door. Can I go?" It was hard letting him out of the yard on his own that first time. I feel the same with this new phase of parenting an adult. Except I can't spy on him through the kitchen window to make sure he's doing okay.  I'm wondering if I'll get it right? Am I ready? Do I get a review of the things I need to know? Luckily for me, Dallin has always been a most patient first child, forgiving of my shortcomings and full of grace for all my foibles. I'm sure we'll navigate this new chapter together, like we always have, but separate, too, which will be new. 

Sending all my love, and a bit of my heart, to Idaho tomorrow with my baby boy. Love you, Dal!

Saturday dawned with perfect springtime weather. Chad woke up with an itch to get in the yard, so he got a load of mulch and we hit the front flower beds.  The kids joined us as we scooped and spread, making the winter-worn bed look fresh and alive.  I looked up and saw a threatening dark cloud heading our way and we hurried along to beat the storm. But, as luck would have it, we felt only a few drops. As we worked through what we thought might turn ugly, it quickly passed and the day warmed up, even more glorious than before.

That cloud, though, took my mind back to a trip several years ago to Sand Dunes National Park in southern Colorado. After camping overnight, we loaded up the truck with all the stuff we thought we'd need for a day at the dunes: sand toys, jackets, extra clothes, blankets, a cooler, folding chairs, snacks, hats, sunscreen. After parking in the visitors lot, hauled our gear to the river to play. In the Spring, the run off from the mountains creates the most amazing river through the dunes, churning and changing the sandy landscape continuously. It's an amazing playground. Like watching erosion in fast motion.  It was probably about a mile trek from the car down and across the river, to the spot Chad deemed "perfect" to set up our home base.  The kids started wading in the water and digging in the sand. I sunscreened up the baby. We laid out our blanket and set up the chairs and seemed like we just got settled, when those typical Colorado dark clouds started to roll in. I watched as the storm approached, and hoped it wouldn't be much. But, when it suddenly blew overhead, it brought with it lots of wind and rain and hail.  We tried to quickly batten down the blankets and toys on the sand, grabbed the cooler and the kids, and ran as quickly as we could back to the car.  When we arrived, there were tears and cold fingers and sad faces.  We got situated in the truck and had lunch while the storm passed, and under blue skies we headed back to the river. This time, we didn't bring everything. We simplified what we needed, and left the rest in the car.

Back at the river we re-situated ourselves in a different spot, on the parking-lot side of the river this time. The kids played. Smiles returned. And, in the distance, another storm cloud was headed our way.  As it crept closer I said to Chad, "Should we head back to the car again?"
"No, we can wait this one out. You'll see."

As the cloud got closer and the wind started to pick up, all the people around us quickly gathered up their things and started running back to the parking lot.  We, instead, gathered our children and sat down on our blanket with our backs toward the storm. We held the blanket up over our family, Chad on one side and me on the other.  With our little brood between us in our makeshift tent, we waited as the wind got stronger and the rain started to come.  We sang songs and played the alphabet game and laughed at Davis' antics.  It started to hail, but the kids couldn't feel it inside our blanket fort.  The river started to widen and crept closer to us, almost to our blanket shelter, but then just as suddenly as it had come, the storm passed over us. The sun came out. The river retreated.  We threw off the blanket to discover that we had the whole place to ourselves. And the day was more glorious than it had even been before. 

As we've been hunkered down at home, riding out the storm of the COVID-19 pandemic, I feel a little like we did at the sand dunes in our makeshift blanket tent.  Chad and I are, in many ways, holding up the shelter as best we can under the circumstances of lost income and homeschooling and a simplified schedule. But, we've got our family together. We can laugh and sing and play together. Sometimes it has seemed like the hail is getting stronger at our back and the river is creeping ever closer, but as we've held on tight to the things that matter the most, we have been weathering the storm.  I have faith that as we watch the clouds pass, just like that day on the dunes and on Saturday in the garden, the sun will come out and our lives will be even more glorious than they were before. Just like our first dash from the storm at the dunes taught us a few things, this experience has taught us much about how we want our life when we get back to "normal."  It looks simpler and more family focused, less hectic and more joyful.  I have found great comfort in counting my blessings and watching for miracles and I'm certain that when we come out on the other side, I will have become more than I was.

Daffodils and Hope

Monday was a gloriously warm spring day and my front yard was bursting with yellow as my daffodils turned their pretty horn-shaped petals to the sun. It was almost impossible to believe the forecast for the rest of the week: clouds, wind, and snow.  As Wednesday approached, meteorological rumors about another bomb cyclone started circulating.  Really? Witnessing the intense blizzard a month ago had been incredible, but would it really happen again? As more people said those words I started to worry for my beautiful daffies, blooming in the same place as the 4 foot drifts of snow settled after the last storm.  Daffodils are pretty snow hardy, but I knew they couldn’t withstand the weight of that much snow.

I gathered all the buckets and planter pots I could find in the garage and as the sleet started to fall on Wednesday morning, I covered as many of the daffodils as I could. I put heavy rocks on top to hold the buckets in place and kept watch out the window as the storm blew in.  We did see lots of wind.  It was definitely cold.  Snow fell on and off. But thankfully, the bomb cyclone of April didn’t hit us the way it did in March.  I was pleasantly surprised as I lifted the buckets off on Thursday morning to see my daffodils safe and sound and still erect. Their neighbors, who I couldn’t cover, were laying their still-sunny-colored heads on the ground in defeat, but the ever powerful sun popped out and warmed the earth and by the end of the day, even most of the storm-weary flowers had made a partial recovery.

It has continued to snow on and off all week, with less intensity.  Each day as I check on my flowers I’m amazed at the way they continue to weather the storms and perk up for the sun.  They aren’t perfect-looking like they were last week, but they continue to be a symbol of hope in the sun, like my own hope in the Son.

All this thinking about daffodils has taken my mind back to an Easter season 16 years ago when I felt much like a daffodil crushed under the weight of a springtime storm.  My first foray into motherhood had landed me in the NICU with a baby whose outlook was grim, at best, and who was fighting each day to survive to the next. It was a heartbreaking time. A time of anxiety and going-through-the-motions living.  I remember that I often didn’t feel much, which I think was my heart’s coping mechanism to avoid being irreversibly broken. I spent my days keeping vigil at the beside of my boy inside the maze of Kosair Children’s Hospital and often didn’t leave until it was dark out.  

One day, however, I was heading home in the daylight. As we turned the bend on the freeway, a most amazing sight was suddenly filling up my view: a wall of blooming and bright yellow daffodils.  Someone had planted the entire median between the north and south bound lanes with thousands of daffodils. It took my breath away and in the same moment the Spirit spoke to my very broken heart.  The message was this: Spring will always come! Rebirth, renewal, hope, the glorious messages of Spring, are also the eternal messages of Easter.  Because of the ever and all powerful Son, I have hope.  My baby has hope. Those daffodils gave me hope that whether in this life or the next, someday my baby’s broken body and my own broken heart would be healed.  

I’m so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who planned Spring with its telestial reminders of the most important Spring of all: the year the Savior came to save us all from mortality and raise us up to eternity. As the sun brings us hope that the earth will awaken once again, the SON gives me hope that I, too, can be reborn and return to live with Him again.

heart hands

"I can get out by myself, mom. You don't need to take me up."

"Okay," I say. But, I'm wondering when she suddenly switched from wanting me to walk her all the way to the door at preschool.

"I can open the car door myself, too. You don't need to get out."

"Did you get your lunch? Your jacket?"

"Yep! I've got it. Ohhh. The door is heavy. But, I got it! Bye, Mom!"

I watch as she skips up the walk (a newly perfected skill from dance class), her cute a-lined hair bobbing up and down. She stands on the porch and knocks. She turns and waves. She knocks again and peeks in the window. She turns and smiles.

Then, still waiting for someone to come to the door, she sets her stuff down and turns around, putting her little hands together to make the shape of a heart. And, she melts my mother heart.

When did my baby get so big? And how will I survive when she heads out to the big world of kindergarten in 6 short months?

Motherhood marches on. And sometimes, in some ways, I feel like I can't quite keep stride.

Spring

I woke at 4am with a headache, which is never a good start. But, after I got the big kids tucked away at school and activities, I loaded baby girl in the stroller for a walk in the Springtime. She watched for dandelions and asked me to stop and pick them for her. We paused to smell the blossoming crab apple trees. She got out for a quick run and back in for another ride.  More than once. I smiled as I looked down at the cup holder, full of withered dandelions from a different day's adventure.  And, the stroller basket, strewn with pinecones. I breathed in the lilac bushes and turned my face toward the sun and thought: Ahhhhh.  It is a good life.

Books

Books have always been my favorite.  I would chose reading over most any other activity.  I've been in countless book clubs over the years.  Finding the library is always top priority when I've moved to a new place.  And, I love to own books just so I can pass them on to others with an urgent, "You've got to reading this!"

So, it has been hard to watch my boy as he has struggled to read.  It was evident to me ever since he was a baby that his mind worked differently than my older kids.  He reached milestones at his own pace, and in his own way. Learning to read was no different.  He loved letters early on and knew all the sounds they made before he started preschool at age 3, but somehow the connection between those letters, those sounds and the words they could make was a huge hurdle for him. When he was a kindergartener, and on the advice of a friend, I got the book, "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons."  We sat down to start with Lea (only 20 months younger) along for the ride.  We worked through the book together and these two siblings were staying right on pace with each other, until about lesson 50.  Suddenly, it clicked in Lea's head, and like my other two readers, she was remembering sight words and making sense of letter combinations, and, quite amazingly, she was reading!

And, Davis wasn't.

He was still laboriously sounding out every.single.word.  Even when it appeared on a page several times, he couldn't remember it from one line to the next; sometimes even from one sentence to the next.  Words like "the" and "to" would
constantly trip him up.  It was ever more apparent to me that the English language is seriously messed up.  And, that something was not clicking for my boy.

I have come to learn in the past couple years that if nothing else, I am my child's advocate.  Often the only one he has.  It was difficult to get anyone in the school to take my concerns seriously.
"He just has a speech delay."
"It will come in time."
"He isn't ready yet...he needs to be in school longer."
Nothing, however, felt right.

One day I went to lunch with my visiting teachers and another lady they visit.  We somehow got on the topic of her family's struggle with dyslexia and like a spotlight in my head, I knew that that was what Davis had. I just knew it.  As soon as I got home I started to research all I could find about dyslexia.  I contacted friends who I knew had children who struggled with it.  I called several literacy centers in town looking for answers.  I was told by more than one person that since he was only 6, he was too young to be tested.  Yet, everything I read talked about how much early intervention can help those with dyslexia.  I knew if he had it, it was best to get him help now, and not wait until he was struggling through 3rd grade or until the school reading specialist noticed something.

After much push and shove on my part, I was finally able to get him tested.  The doctor worked with him for a couple hours and when the results came back, I was not surprised to learn that Davis is dyslexic.

Now, after a year of tutoring and extra help from teachers, I am in awe at the reader that has emerged.  His abilities have skyrocketed.  Reading is still a struggle for him, and it might be for his whole life.  Additionally, his dyslexia affects memory, attention, spelling, writing, speech, math facts and other areas of his academic life.  This isn't something you cure or fix.  It is the way his brain functions and something he will have to work around for always.  But, learning about his uniquely wired brain has opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at my son.  The abilities he has and the ways I can see his mind working through things far outshine the disabilities and struggles.

And, at last, he LOVES to read.  We are working through the Magic Treehouse Books, just like I did with my bigger kids.  He is excited about each new book, each new chapter.  Tonight as I tucked him in, our chapter read and the cliffhanger ending waiting for us tomorrow, he said, "I just love to read, Mom! I love books!"

Me, too, my boy.  But not as much as I love you!

Farewell to the Van

We sold the van today.  It is a good thing.  We recently got a new ride with a bigger engine to pull the camper and more seats to fit the growing carpool.  It is newer and fancier and has way too many buttons.  I'm still getting used to how big it is, and sometimes miss the van and it's automatic door (even though it often didn't work) and the wonderful turning radius (for all those times I go the wrong way and have to flip a U-ie), and the fact that I no longer had to worry about how sad it would be to get the first ding in the car door.


The van was the first car we bought all on our own (which means, not from my dad).  We bought it when baby #3 was on the way, and we were feeling quite grown up and in need of a family-mobile.  That baby never joined our family and I continued to drive around this HUGE van with only two kids for a couple more years.  It sometimes felt silly to have such a big car, but it was convenient when I could pick up my sister and her two littles and we could adventure together.

Over the years that big car started to feel smaller and smaller.  More bodies filled it up.  More stuff got schlepped around in the back.  We added a car-top carrier for long trips because the cavernous space in the back didn't seem to hold supplies for seven anymore.  The van got us so very many places; to see loved ones we missed and back home when we got homesick; to practices and games and recitals; to school and work; to church; to help others; to enjoy the beauty of God's green earth.

As every mother knows, your car is your office.  It is the waiting room at soccer practice, the grocery getter, the kid picker-upper. The passenger seat, until recently when my big kids decided they were tall enough to sit there, was like a filing cabinet with all the things I needed to drop off, return, not forget, and work on. The van was a second home where we listened to stories on CD together, sang out loud to our favorite songs, passed back snacks during long drives. There was that one time when we drove it all the way to Nauvoo with a newly potty-trained Lea, and for long stretches of I-80, the van became an emergency loo, too, with the baby potty tucked in behind the front seat.

Chad sold it to a family who runs a church ministry across town.  I'm glad to know the van will continue to serve a family who will also make many memories in its seats.

And even though it was only a thing, and it was often sticky and grimy and smelly from the monsters who rode in it, it feels like a little part of me has said farewell.