2005 Topps Total

Aww yeah! 2005 Topps Total, or as I like to call it, the "real" 2005 Topps base set. This was the final year for this beloved product, and at 770 cards, it was the smallest.

The fact that Topps continues to produce garbage like Opening Day and discontinued Total is a crime against collecting. Here's four packs I found for a buck each last weekend in Reading.

2005 Topps Total

Topps... Heritage...

You wouldn't LIKE me when I rip ...

Topps...

Heritage.................



GRAAAAAAAARRRR-oh hey, look a pack of 2005 Topps Total! Let's open it!

673 Jason Grimsley & BJ Ryan
26 Yadier Molina
484 Doug M. (you know who it is)
AW20 Manny Ramirez Total Award Winner
11 Joel Piniero
477 Shea Hillenbrand
225 Orlando Hernandez
577 Tim Redding & Brad Baker
121 Ricky Ledee
351 Einar Diaz

I love this stuff. I hate that this is gone and lousy phoned-in Opening Day is still around polluting the shelves. 770 card set, a bunch of combo cards of relief pitchers and scrubs, a handful of ok insert sets and a neat little game on the back for a buck a pop. Gotta love it. I'm not sure if I ever completed the set because I have it sorted into teams. Yeah, I actually played the game. I had some long late night shifts under heightened internet monitoring conditions so you do what ya have to. This pack was actually pretty crappy other than the Manny insert Since I don't have anything more to say about the pack, let's play the game. We'll match up El Duque and a very stoned looking Ricky Ledee since Ricky's the only one in the pack capable of hitting a homer.


All right here's the match up. The colors match up in a stop light fashion:
Yellow beats Green
Red beats Yellow
Green beats Red .
There's an Orange on the seecrit special shiny cards that beats everything but I didn't pull one of them.

Underneath the card number you'll see a number from 1 to 10 in a gray box. That's the number for the pitch. Let's use BJ Ryan's card.

8. Don't worry about the Rating number, that's used when building teams.

You check the cards and #8 shows both results are Green. Tie goes to the pitcher and Ricky strikes out. Here's Yadier's number:

Yellow beats Green so we go with the result on Hernandez' card which is a fly out. Ok, it's the same result on both cards, but you get the point. Here's Doug's card:

Ricky strikes out again. El Duque's throwing the heat. No number on Manny, so Piniero's up next:

Green beats Red so Ricky wins the matchup. A Pyhrric victory as he turns a single into a ground out. Ledee can't catch a break. If you look carefully at the two cards, you'll see that the only favorable result for Ricky is a number 7, which results in a bomb to right. Since I didn't get a 7 in this pack, we'll mercifully end Ricky's batting practice.

WASN'T THAT FUN?!?!

Ok, not that fun. But ten bucks for a blaster meant ripping 11 packs full of good looking cards you could build into teams to kill a couple of hours. A blaster of Opening Day gets you red retinal burn, a rehashed set and eternal sorrow. BRING BACK TOTAL!!! Or at the very least a cheap 700+ card decent looking set to build that isn't from the 1980's. Is that too much to ask?

2005 Topps Total

To bide the time while I wait for my damned 2008 Topps to ship, here's the last two packs from the Legends repack I picked up so very long ago. (So sue me; I like to pace myself.) These will be the first 20 Topps Total cards in my collection. I'm the kind of weirdo who likes cards of scrubeenies; the whole point of making it to the big leagues is to get your face on a baseball card, isn't it? So cheap + completist = sign me up. Or does it?

511 Laynce Nix
73 Ty Wigginton
222 Luis Rivas
245 Bobby Abreu
636 Gary Glover/Jorge De La Rosa (Silver)
295 Scott Rolen
596 Mike Lincoln/Randy Flores
465 Miguel Cabrera
738 Sean Marshall/Bear Bay First Year
668 Kevin Gregg/Jake Woods

Well, we've got a couple of All-Stars in Abreu and Rolen (I sure seem to be pulling a lot of Scott Rolen cards lately), one monster hitter in Cabrera, and a pitcher whose name is BEAR. Okay, so it's actually Ronald. I'm guessing he went by "Bear" to panda...um, pander to the Cubs. It didn't work. He's never actually made it to the bigs, and is still shlepping around A-ball. Sean Marshall could be an Oriole very soon. In MacPhail time, I believe that translates to "mid-2009".

216 Jason Kendall
196 Tony Womack
604 Chin-hui Tsao/Ryan Speier
TT-AR Alex Rodriguez Total Topps
520 Todd Helton (Silver)
288 Ruben Sierra
47 Oliver Perez
626 Matt Wise/Tommy Phelps
477 Randy Winn
364 Jay Gibbons
TTC 14 of 30 Vladimir Guerrero (Angels Team Checklist)

Check out this pack! An A-Rod insert of some sort (with an incredibly stupid name), two more tremendous power hitters, and two of the more crappy Yankees in recent memory (the better to taunt my Yankee-loving roommate). As far as Jay Gibbons goes, he's one of the worst Orioles you can pull. With the PED abuse, the injuries, the lousy performance, and the unfortunate physical appearance, he's a perfect storm of disappointing.

So I'm actually underwhelmed by 2005 Topps Total; go figure. I realize they're trying to keep the size of the set manageable, but those 2-for-1 reliever cards seem kind of cheesy. The back of the card is a hot mess, with a smaller version of the same photo on the front (LAME), a scouting report and some stats, and a whole bunch of space taken up by some game that must be confusing as hell to play. Give me Strat-o-Matic any day. Better yet...

GIVE ME 2008 TOPPS ALREADY!

Pack Playoff! Football Edition

I'm taking a break from vintage packs this week to honor the Colts-Patriots matchup with a football edition of Pack Playoff.Two packs of 2007 football cards face off to see who is the champ. The Indy-New England game isn't technically a playoff but it should feel like one. Our matchup isn't quite as good, as it features two bottom of the barrel products. This is more a Falcons-49ers showdown but it should be more fun than that game.

Upper Deck First Edition football will take on Topps Total in this battle of lightweights. You want good packs, you go buy 'em. The Colts will be represented by the old veteran Topps as they were an original NFL team, while upstart Upper Deck will proxy for the AFL Boston Patriots. We'll play four quarters with each card or design element representing one drive from the team. Here's the coin toss............. heads. Topps wins the toss and elects to receive.

First Quarter

Topps ball, wrapper design:
Topps has LT as their Total spokesman, shown here in a closeup with the Vader shield on his helmet. LT is nice and all, but the red is really dark and not very eye catching. Topps has the insert ratios on the back which is always nice. A good drive, but they stall in the red zone and settle for a field goal.

Topps 3, Upper Deck 0

Upper Deck ball, wrapper design:
Upper Deck features an action shot of Emmitt Smith on their wrapper. LT is nice, but he hasn't won a playoff game yet. Emmitt has championships coming out of his ears! He can't even lose a dance contest. Smith should run for president, he'd win in a landslide and couldn't do worse than the other clowns running. The wrapper has a classic looking design and stands out more than the Total wrapper. UD takes the ball to the 1 yard line, but are denied the endzone when I discover there are no insert ratios on the back.

Topps 3, Upper Deck 3

Topps ball, front design:
How to describe this mess... Green borders with curved neon lights and shockwaves in the corners. They don't even put the team name on the front. This looks like 1991 Fleer football got an extreme makeover. Ugly is still ugly however, no matter how you dress it up. Interception returned to the 10 yard line.

Topps 3, Upper Deck 3

Upper Deck ball, front design:
This is what Upper Decks base set should look line. The silver borders look good and there's no goddamn unreadable foil name. It's not a that great a design to begin with but thanks to the interception, they don't have far to go. Upper deck punches the ball in the endzone with their fullback.

Topps 3, Upper Deck 10

Topps ball, back design:
Topps is at least consistent, the back is as awful as the front. Too busy, the stats suck and you have to hunt for the card number. At least they remembered the team name this time. Topps muffs the kickoff, Upper Deck's ball on the Topps 18.

Topps 3, Upper Deck 10

Upper Deck ball, back design:
This is what a card back is supposed to look like. Big name, card number in the top left corner, concise bio, full career stats, plus it has the team logo as well as a small head shot that isn't swiped from the front. Very, very nice. Upper Deck lofts a beautiful pass to a wide open receiver in the corner of the end zone for the TD. The holder screws up the snap on the extra point, but the kicker picks it up and flattens a lineman on the way to paydirt for 2.

END OF QUARTER ONE: Upper Deck 18, Topps 3

Second Quarter

Topps ball, Card 1: Barry Cofield, Fred Robbins, William Joseph
Reeling from Upper Deck's onslaught, Topps counters with three Giants D-Tackles who have combined for 20 tackles and two sacks this year. Three and out.

Upper Deck 18, Topps 3

Upper Deck ball, Card 1: Alge Crumpler
He's not having a great year, but Alge's my favorite player on my favorite team. Upper Deck caps a long drive with a 7 yard touchdown pass to their big tight end.

Upper Deck 25, Topps 3

Topps ball, Card 2: Tye Hill, Fakhir Brown
Two defensive backs with zero interceptions this year. The Topps offense is being completely shut down by Upper Deck's front four. Punt.

Upper Deck 25, Topps 3

Upper Deck ball, Card 2: Steve Smith
A great receiver on a terrible team, and he's still putting up decent numbers. He's got David Carr and Vinnie Testeverde throwing to him and he's still on pace for a thousand yards and a dozen touchdowns. Upper Deck goes for the kill with a long bomb on first down and hits it with a long TD strike. They go for two to rub it in but fail on the conversion.

Upper Deck 31, Topps 3

Topps ball, Card 3: Jason Witten
Topps finally stops trying to be cute and comes up with a single player card. Witten's a good tight end, but TE's don't normally top Beckett's Hot List. Topps engineers a long drive that stalls at the 45. Punt.

Upper Deck 31, Topps 3

Upper Deck ball, Card 3: Braylon Edwards
Braylon is finally coming into his own and is averaging almost 100 years and over a touchdown a game. If he can keep this up, he'll finally live up to that #3 overall pick the Browns spent on him. Upper Deck runs the ball to kill the clock and takes a knee instead of attempting a 52 yard field goal.

END OF FIRST HALF: Upper Deck 31, Topps 3

Holy crap, what a slaughter. I don't think anyone saw this coming, except maybe someone who cracked open a box of Total. I won't be offended if you switch over to the Topps Chrome-Playoff Contenders matchup over on CBS. You never know though, Topps might have a Frank Reich up their sleeves. On to the second half!

Third Quarter

Upper Deck ball, Card 4: Jay Cutler
Upper Deck opens the half strong with a good young quarterback. No one's forgotten John Elway in Denver yet, but he's not doing too badly for having less than a full season of starts under his belt. Upper Deck runs the ball down Topps' throat and come out of the drive with a 32 yard field goal.

Upper Deck 34, Topps 3

Topps ball, Card 4: Tim Carter, Leigh Bodden, Kenny Wright
The coach gave a fire and brimstone speech in the locker room, the assistants have made their adjustments and the players are all geeked up. And Topps comes out with... another triple player card. Hey, Leigh Bodden's on my fantasy team! He better get an interception, Larry Fitzgerald's done crap for me today. Topps' drive stalls at midfield, they pooch a punt into the corner and stick UD deep in their own territory.

Upper Deck 34, Topps 3

Upper Deck ball, Card 5: Tony Gonzalez
Upper Deck is not letting up on the gas at all. Here's another star card, this time future Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez. Another long grueling drive from UD results in points on the board as a 28 yarder goes through the uprights.

Upper Deck 37, Topps 3

Topps ball, Card 5: Mark Bulger
Finally, Topps delivers with a good card. He's hurt, has no offensive line and the team sucks, but Bulger is still a decent card of a QB. Topps finally puts together a decent drive and scores on a TD pass to the back of the end zone.

Upper Deck 37, Topps 10

Upper Deck ball, Card 6: Deuce McAllister
Out for the season and Reggie Bush is 4-1 in games Deuce hasn't started. Not good for Deuce. Topps' defense gets an emotional boost from the success of the offense and stuff Upper Deck's rushing attack. First punt of the day for UD.

Upper Deck 37, Topps 10

Topps ball, Card 6: Walter Jones, Chris Spencer, Chris Gray
Topps gets the ball back from Upper Deck after stopping them and they counter with... three offensive lineman. NFL success begins with the o-line, but football card success most assuredly does not. Topps' vaunted line lets through a jailbreak and their QB gets slaughered and coughs up the ball. A big fat defensive lineman rumbles it back for a 72 yard TD. Oh the humanity.

END OF QUARTER THREE: Upper Deck 44, Topps 10

It's the start of the final quarter, the stands are emptying and Michael Eisner is looking extremely sour in the owner's box. The coach for Topps better be getting his resumé together. Don't leave now though, maybe some rookies will take the field for garbage time.

Topps ball, Card 7: Champ Bailey 1st Edition parallel
Topps has run out of base cards and enters the Insert phase of the pack. Maybe a miraculous comeback is in order? Champ Bailey is a superstar defender, a Georgia Bulldog, and a 1st Edition insert to boot! Touchdown all the way! What are the odds for this card? One in... two?!? Topps has spent years trying to position first edition as a rarity and they turn it into an 18-per-box parallel for a crappy football product? You gotta be kidding me. The Topps QB lofts a beautiful 48 yard touchdown pass only to have it overturned on by a flag due to offensive pass interference. They cough up a fumble on the very next play. Upper Deck ball deep in Topps territory.

Upper Deck ball, Card 7: Willie Parker
Upper Deck don't need no stinking inserts. Willie Parker is rushing for over 100 yards a game for the 5-2 Steelers. The Upper Deck running back blows through a wide open hole and dives into the end zone.

Upper Deck 51, Topps 10

Topps ball, Card 8: Kerry Rhodes, Erik Coleman Gold parallel
A three per box parallel of two safeties. The exits are jammed, the mezzanine level is on fire and the Totals' head coach is being escorted from the stadium at gunpoint by security. Not for his own safety either. Three and out, negative yardage on the drive.

Upper Deck ball, Card 8: Mark Bulger
The only decent card in the pack for Topps is mirrored by Upper Deck. To add insult to injury the photo is much better on the UD card. Upper Deck keeps the ball on the ground to run out the clock, but the Topps defense is exhausted and provides no resistance. The tailback waltzes into the endzone through a huge hole.

Upper Deck 57, Topps 10

The game is pretty much over and the rookies are all in the game. Let's end this quickly for mercy's sake.

Topps ball, Card 9: Darius Walker RC
Rookie running backs are the best bet to have an immediate impact on the team that drafted them. Too bad this one was cut from the team in July. Topps is forced to punt on first down when their QB hides inside the instant replay monitor and refuses to come out, screaming "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" over and over.

Does the score really matter at this point

Upper Deck ball, Card 9. Calvin Johnson RC
Ok, this isn't fair now. The Topps defense late hits the UD quarterback on a kneel down play on first down with 36 seconds left. The irate QB audibles a hail mary on the next play and hits his rookie receiver for a 68 yard touchdown. They go for two and make it. They then on side kick.

Chicago Bears 73, Washington Redskins 0

Topps ball, Card 10: Jason Hill RC
One catch in 9 games. Upper Deck recovers the on side.

Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0

Upper Deck ball, Card 10: Chris Houston RC
It's a Falcons rookie card, but I just can't pile on Topps anymore. Upper Deck takes a knee and time expires.

FINAL SCORE: Upper Deck 65, Topps 10

What a horrific slaughter. Topps has a gripe in pointing out that I am comparing pulls from a single pack of a 200 card set with 100 veterans to a 550 card set that squeezes in 900 players. That doesn't make up for the hideous design and rainbow of useless parallels. Dollar packs are supposed to appeal to kids and casual collectors, right? Which of these packs do you think that demographic would be happy to open?