Let Them Eat Frickin Awesome Cake

So January -- or Birthdaypalooza as I call it -- has finally ended.

Wrapping up the fiestas was Camie's birthday on the 31st.

I wanted to do something really great for Camie's birthday, but having to spend the whole week prior to the day out of town really limited the amount of pre-Birthday prep I could do. But I figured that at the very least I could make her a cake.

And I knew just what kind of cake to make. (Twirling the proverbial mustache)

I figured something along these lines would be perfect.

Go ahead and take a look. I'll wait.

....

...

Ready? Ok. So clearly the bar has been set pretty high. And I wanted Camie's cake to be just as funny if not funnier than those cakes. But I didn't want it to be gross or real mean. Fake mean was ok, but only if she knew it would be fake mean and not real mean. And I wanted it to tell her that I love her and am super glad she's my best pal and roommate. But didn't want to, you know, flaunt that status in case the other party goers felt a little weird eating a cake with a sentimental greeting written on it. Hello AWKWARD!

Believe me, with all of these feelings to convey striking the right balance in your cake text is trickier than you might think.

Here were the runners-up:

Bite me
I figured this one was too literal

You are Smart, and Funny, and Kind to Animals
But then everyone there would just think I'd written a bunch of lies down. Cake Text should be a distiller of truth.

Shut Up! No YOU Shut Up!
I liked this, but I worried it wouldn't fit on the cake

Sorry You're Soulless
This was good, but it lacked a certain personal touch that would really make it meaningful. So I morphed it to this:

Sorry You're a Soulless Bitch
PERFECT!!

Except there wasn't enough room on the cake. So I had to rework it. And ended up with this:

Sorry You're Old Bitch

Short. Truthful. And most importantly, it held up a time honored tradition in which I either call her a Bitch or give her cards or presents that do it for me.

And if you think that I'm saying Bitch like its a bad thing, then you should know that under all of that cream cheese frosting is a DROP DEAD AWESOME HOMEMADE Red Velvet Cake. If that don't say Love Ya Like A Brother From Another Mother I don't know what does. Unless its making 34 mini red velvet cupcakes with mini swirls of cream cheese frosting and candles arranged into a giant flaming 34 so every party guest could blow out their own cupcake and make a wish. But wait a minute! I did that too.

Happy Birthday Camie!

What's the Opposite of being too bored to blog?

So sometimes I'm not very good at posting because I'm totally boring and there is nothing of any interest happening AT ALL.

This hiatus has NOT been one of those times.

So much has been happening lately, I'm a little overwhelmed when I think about the 40 or so things I should be creating pithy posts about. I can't even deal with that kind of pressure!

So I post nothing.

But then I'm all in a quandry, because I don't want to forget it, either.

And if I know anything about myself it is that I am a Great Forgetter. I used to be a Great Rememberer, but I think my brain is full. There's no room in the Inn, but stuff keeps getting crammed in there. So now everything is all muddled up and I can't remember what year I did what, or who I was with, or if I've already shared such-n-such story with you twenty times. So I've got to just suck it up and jot it all down.

So really, this post is more for me than for you. Sorry world, I can't entertain you today. I got some 'membering to do.

Gave the funniest White Elephant present: Las Vegas in a Box! Each item had a luggage tag with a picture of the Fabulous Las Vegas sign and a clever little note about the present. Stuff like, "Know when to fold 'em" on the pack of cards. The box had the following stuff:

• a roulette game
• pack of cards
• bridal veil
• wig & dark glasses (I even got those old man dark glasses - so HOT)
• a champagne glass
• a trashy novel to read by the pool
• a lounge music CD
• a silk scarf to look the part

Clever, right? I was really excited about this present and thought it would be the toast of the party. But then someone brought a HUGE bottle of Vodka ... and obviously Vegas in a Box cannot possibly compete with vodka.

Christmas was great ... spent it here. The heat went out twice. Brrr-a-la-brrr-brrr.

New Year's was awesome. I went to two parties. I was conspicuous at the first party for two reasons: First, I was the only girl. Second, I was the only straight person. We had a great time, but I made sure to skedaddle before midnight. I wasn't sure what might happen, but I was pretty sure it'd be awkward.

Directly after New Year's the celebrations for my birthday began. I had expected it to be a very low-key year since my birthday was on a Sunday and everyone knows that Sunday birthdays are the Lamest Birthdays of them All. But it wasn't. Not low key at all.

The festivities began on Saturday and just kept on going, and going ...

Saturday

• Treated myself to a box of gourmet cupcakes from Hello, Cupcake
• Treated myself to a big bowl of Tangysweet FroYo
• Treated myself to the Broadway production of Legally Blonde at the Kennedy Center

Sunday

• Treated myself to a lazy day around the house
• Treated myself to a hot dog/chips/diet coke combo for lunch. (YUM!!)
• Maria made me a steak dinner
• Charlene made a riiiiiidiculous Rasperry-Lemon cheesecake

Happily Birthdayed I thought the fun was over.

Wrong. The fun was JUST BEGINNING!

Monday

• Work pals take me to lunch and make a big production with chocolate cake and singing.
• During lunch they try to convince me to go to drag bingo. "Sounds like fun, but will it help me with my New Year's Resolution to meet straight men?" I ask. Probably not, but still will be fun.

Tuesday

• Work pals tell the Drag Queens at drag bingo that A) its my birthday and B) I'm Mormon. (As such I was a tiny bit out of place at a gay sports bar).
• Sang Happy B with my new favorite ladies Shiqueeta Lee and Akasha Cassadine
• Forced to do a shot (of cranberry juice) to the stomping and cheering of an entire bar
  
• Being called to the front to call out the numbers
• Being generally Heckled and Celebritied all night long

All of us with the fabulous Shiqueeta Lee and Akasha Cassadine.



Friday
Camie wanted to through me a party because she hadn't been able to participate in any of the other parties. I was well and truly exhausted by this point, but thought it would be fun to have people over to make decorate cookies and have a quiet night in.

So we did. It wasn't that quiet. But it WAS super fun! Even Mustard decorated one or two.





I never thought turning 34 would be so action packed! I'm pooped.

The Storybook Collection

I am toujours working working working on my latest line of baby-girl fashions. One never knows when a baby shower will come up and you need to have a super cute gift ready on the double. This collection was for my friend Alicia who is having a girl any second now. Can't wait to see the little cutie!

It's a little ironic that I ended up settling on this theme for her present, because I found out later that she'd dreamed I bought her story BOOKS. Imagine how surprised slash STOKED she was to get story ONESIES instead!! This collection was totally meant to be.

So with no further ado, I present to you:

The Storybook Collection

La Madeline

Say bonjour to everyone's favorite little fille d'école.

Grow, Sally. Grow!

See Sally growing up faster every day.

Sunday in the Park avec Babar

Those sophiticated Elephants, Babar and Celeste, take Pom, Flora, and Alexander out for a spin in their pram.

Fin.

Baby Glam

Look at Cute Bridgette. Already bored with her illustrious career as a High Fashion Muse.



Poor thing. Not everyone is born the niece of a world-famous Baby Onesie designer. I keep assuring her that all of her hard work being drop dead gorgeous will be worth it when she hits the Gymboree sporting one of her fabulous new designer baby fashions. Any baby would be thrilled, simply thrilled (!) to wear any one of these from my "Vocabulous Onesie" collection:



A Zoom, please ....

So darling! And perfect for helping convey your every mood. Plus, its never too early to start building your vocabulary. No?

Of course, being the thoughtful Aunt that I am, I realized right away that being so glamorous and being related to moi would naturally throw sweet Bridgette into the harsh media spotlight. We all know how bad for your temperament, not to mention your complexion, running from the paparazzi can be. Simply dreadful!

So I made her this. A girl must have some down-time, after all.


Alas, there will still be some people -- like Grammas and Pop-Pops -- that WILL insist on doing all sorts of inappropriate things like pinching cheeks, nibbling baby toes, and giving zerberts on her little diva belly. These people have no shame. They think that they can just PLAY with an International Super Baby Model? Its shocking.

Fortunately, Mustard agrees with me that this kind of thing is completely unacceptable and has offered sweet Bridgette the protection she deserves from these thugs. To strike fear into the heart of these ne'er-do-wells, Bridgette now has this little graphic tee to let people know exactly who they're messing with if they just can't resist giving her tummy a little tickle-tickle.

"Mustard offers you his protection"

These people have to learn that you can't just go around man-handling the talent. You're just going to have to resist the irresistible! Consider yourself warned.

The rest of you can join me in thinking Bridgette is Absolutely Fabulous!



(Ok you guys. Confession time. I'm not really a famous baby onesie designer - but I DID make these baby onesies for my niece all by myself. And personally, I think they're crazy cute! I don't craft, obviously, so no one is more impressed that I successfully made these than me! I'll admit that I ripped the idea off from my Master-Craft-Blaster friend Erin. She's so clever. And crafty. And cute.)

Watch Out Y'all, I'm about to Get Crafty

I am not a crafty person. I blame this womanly deficiency on a lot of things, but here are the top five:

1. lack of patience
2. inability to draw, cut, sew, or walk a straight line
3. abhorrence of puffy paint and raffia
4. a nasty childhood encounter involving yarn, popsicle sticks, and glitter glue
5. unwillingness to contribute to the ugly craft epidemic the world is suffering from
   

But every once in a while, I need something and I'll think, "I REALLY don't want to buy that!! Maybe I can just make it." You know I'm serious about not purchasing when I'm driven to say that I'd rather MAKE IT! And this is when my Anti-Craftiness and my Cheapness step into the ring to duke it out.

This time, I needed CD sleeves for the boatloads of mix CDs I'm sending out as my lame excuse for a Christmas present.

I had one of those jumbo packs of blank CDs but I did not have the accompanying jumbo pack of jewel cases or equivalent. And I don't mind telling you that I did NOT relish the thought of purchasing one. It's crap like this that it really drives me crazy to buy. I would much rather be spending that 4.99 on something I can really enjoy like a pair of earrings or a Wendy's Single combo meal.

What I needed was a cheap solution and whenever I need cheap solutions I cast my mind back to college when I inexplicably lived like a queen on $300 a month. In college, I had a phase where I refused to purchase envelopes. This was before email, people, when we actually needed envelopes from time to time. So instead of buying envelopes my Sophomore self made them from magazine pages and a roll of tape. It was fun to flip through mags and pick advertisements with interesting images that would add a little extra something to my letter. And I thought, "Voila! What if I make CD sleeves from magazine pages!"

So I did, and they turned out pretty cute, if I do say so myself. Here are the results:


Aren't they cute? Let's take a closer look at a couple of them.

This Dewey Cox ad screams Album Cover to me.



Notice how the title of the story "When Stars Record" looks like the title. PERFECT! By the way, if you've got sharp eyes you might recognize Demetri Martin and David Cross.


This one is Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward ... so suitable for an M. Ward CD don't you think?


Here I added a cute "Hello My Name Is" sticker with the name of the album. But you can just write on it with a Sharpie if you prefer.


I thought this Hershey's one was crazy cute! So good if you're making a "Sorry I'm a loser, let's be friends again" CD.




And just LOOK at how CUTE the CD is peeking up from the top.

I could give you instructions, but basically it comes down to: tear, fold, tape. If you have opposable thumbs you should be able to manage it. I did.