The One with Some of the Plans.

It's been almost a month since I posted last. I really should learn to be a bit better about this. I think about blogging often. I think I feel like I have to really set aside a good two hours to get a good entry in, so unless that time is available and I feel up to using the brainpower to make it happen, I just don't make it happen.

But tonight, I do. It's 12:30 AM on September 8th. My sleep schedule has gone completely awry for a number of reasons, and I'm feeling wide awake, so I'm going to use my time wisely and share my thoughts with the world wide web and the few friends who read this old thing.

9 to 5 has been open for three and a half weeks now. There are three and a half weeks left in the run. And I am utterly and completely in love with every minute of this show. I know, it's nothing new, right? I'm sure I sound like a broken record with each role I get to play lately.

But this one... this one is different. This is the most rewarding role I have on my resumé. Because of the difficulty in finding who Judy is, because of the uneasiness I had in the rehearsal process, because of the discouraging moments, because of the moments of defeat... because I have finally found Judy and continue to find new things for her to do and about her, because I'm no longer uneasy and instead just giddy and nervous, because I'm encouraged by each moment, because I feel like I have figured things out, because the cast is so amazing... because of all of these things, the pay-off in performing the show for audiences has been unequivocally the most valuable opportunity I have had.

While I was talking to a friend last night, who I said these things to, she mentioned that she noticed that because I put so much of my heart into each show, I almost always feel like the current show I'm in is the top. And maybe that's the truth. If it is, and she said the same thing, I hope the next one I do takes the cake and on and on and on until the day I die.

Proud. That's probably the best word I can use to sum up this show. It's not perfect; the writing is interesting in some parts, the plot is mild, I'm not always pitch-perfect, I have forgotten a line here and there. But I am proud of it all. I am the most proud of the work I have done in this show. I am the most proud of the chemistry I share with the other two female leads in this show. I am the most proud to present this show for my friends, co-workers, and family. I am blown away by how much fun it is, and how, while it is consistent, it is never the same. It keeps me on my toes and, in many ways, keeps my head in the clouds.

I'm grateful for that, though. The part about it keeping my head in the clouds. Because on my days when I'm not doing the show, I have to keep my feet on the ground while I prepare myself mentally for what's happening in approximately nine months.

Don't worry, I'm not having a baby. (But speaking of, my little sister DID have a baby: meet Everleigh Lynn!)

New York. The plan, only fairly tentative, is to leave next June. In nine short months. By then, I plan on having enough saved up to allow me to live comfortably enough before I find a job or jobs. I have been reading books and doing endless research about playhouses in the city and its surrounding areas, and I'll be honest, I have found myself more recently becoming a bit discouraged.

As addressed in a previous post, I am lacking in dancing abilities. I will be taking some classes over the next few months, but the abilities aren't a natural part of me. It's frustrating and scary to read in practically every audition posting, "please wear dance shoes" or "be prepared to dance." When I come across things like that, I automatically see instead, "turn back now" or "run far, far away."

The thought even crossed my mind recently that I maybe shouldn't go because I am so horribly terrified of that aspect of "trying to make it." But then the sound advice of a mentor and friend resonated loud and clear in my head. She said, "If you go and try, you'll never regret it. If you don't go and try, you always will."

This whole post could really just be viewed as my own personal pep talk. And today, that's okay. I'd rather be lifted up than bring myself down; wouldn't you?

So... dancer or not, I will try. I am not giving myself a time limit; I'm just going to work as long and hard as I can. If I try and fail, at least I will have tried and tried my damnedest.

But honestly, when I think of it, all I can do is imagine myself succeeding. It's been the one sure thing I've known my whole life; this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I will work my tail off to make it so. There is a reason why I feel as deeply as I do for this art form. There is a reason why I ache for it. There is a reason why I love it this much. I know it's so I can get out there and just do it.