The Delivery

The day started early, we had to be at the hospital by 7:30 am and were of course, running late.  I was trying to get all cute before going you know... I took a shower, did my hair and makeup etc.. Then after looking at the pictures it was a waste of time! :) 

Brad dropped me off in front of the hospital so I could run (well waddle in a hurry) up to get registered why he parked the car.  While I was checking in Brad came and we were led down the hallway to the nurses station.  The nurse took us to my room and told me to change into the beautiful hospital gown.  I remember trying to be strong for Brad and the other family members that were coming but as I stood in the bathroom changing I began to cry.  I was more worried about the actual surgery than I thought I would be and of course the uncertainty of baby b (Cade) was capturing my thoughts.  I knew deep down in my heart that his mission on this earth would be short but didn't want to say it out loud.  I collected myself and came out with a smile to greet Brad and my parents who arrived first.  The rest of our family Brad's parents, sisters Monica and Natalie, brother-in-law Chris, niece Alison and my brother Travis and sister Jamie were all there.

Just before delivery- could I retain any more water?!  Love the triple chin!

The sweet hospital staff said that the entire family could stay in my post operation room during the births and that the nurse would come back and update them during the delivery.  I have to say the hospital staff were AMAZING!  I don't think this experience would have been as special without their understanding and compassion.

As we sat there waiting for Dr. Esplin to arrive, ( he was running late from a meeting at another hospital) we talked with the director of the neonatal team (Dr. Yoder) that would take care of Cade when he was born.  He reminded us of all the possible outcomes again as described in a previous post and the procedures that would be taken to help Cade as much as possible.  He told us the last resort would be placing him on the ventilator and then administering a few tests after that to see if his lungs were strong enough to sustain life.

After meeting with the many doctors and specialists, we were as ready as we could be for the births.  Dr. Esplin arrived and asked if we had any last questions and we reminded him that Brad didn't want to see or hear anything that he was doing to me ie.. "I am making the incision, now I am peeling back the skin, etc..." Brad didn't want anything to do with that.  He just wanted to be there for me and he did a great job holding my hand (with ear plugs in :) ) smiling and being a great support. If it would have been any other women having a c-section he would have watched and thought it was the coolest thing ever but when it was happening to me he would rather not know what was going on.  Dr. Esplin also approved to have my mom present in case Brad had to leave to be with Cade, he also said she could record the birth on our camcorder.

They took me back first to get my spinal block put in before bringing in Brad and my mom.  I again had remained strong in front of everyone in the post-op room but the minute I sat down on the table for them to give me the shot I broke down. I was sobbing uncontrollably and they had to wait until I calmed down to put in the spinal block.   There were so many emotions running through my mind and heart that I just couldn't hold it all in anymore.  It was then I knew for sure that Cade wouldn't make it.  In looking back, there were several times Heavenly Father was preparing me for this outcome.  Both Brad and I knew but never talked about it, neither one of us wanted to say it out loud feeling that by doing so we would be giving up on Cade. Brad knew a couple years ago that we would have an angel baby (more details to come in the funeral post) and I knew I would be planning a funeral when I attended another baby's funeral a couple months before.  Again, neither of us talked about it because we thought that would be giving up hope and we wanted to exercise our faith and trust in our Heavenly Father.  Knowing it is always in His hands.

After the spinal block was given I was laid down on the table and my mom and Brad were brought in.  My mom was nervous she would faint at the sight of blood but she did a great job.  I am SOOO grateful she was there to film the birth of the 2 boys, the brief shot of Cade when he was born is the most alive we saw him and I wouldn't trade that footage for anything. And Hunter acts now exactly how he did the first 5 minutes of his life. Such a cute little monkey! 

When Dr. Esplin delivered Hunter he said all looked good, he cried and was passed to the team of pediatricians in the OR to finish checking him out.  He then delivered Cade and told us he was a boy, that his head was slightly flat on one side and he had club feet because of how he was sitting in the placenta as well as the lack of amniotic fluid.  CadeCade was put on a ventilator and we would talk to Dr. Yoder (neonatalogist) in the post op room about the final tests.  We knew after hearing that news that Cade would not be with us much longer.  They still ran some tests and came to see us after wards. He said the tests didn't look good but that they could run one more to check Cade's oxygen and carbon dioxide levels (blood gas levels).  Dr. Yoder said if the levels did not look normal Cade didn't have enough lung tissue to sustain life and that we could go see him in the NICU on the ventilator or he could bring him to us and we could spend his last few hours as a family.  We told him if the levels were not normal to bring Cade to us.  We didn't want to remember him hooked to a machine.

A few minutes later they brought Hunter in to us, we had told them if Cade was being brought in to bring in Hunter as well so we could spend time as a family together and get some pictures. So we knew Cade was coming next.  Things are still a little foggy for me, I was still vomiting and did so until later that evening.  I remember feeling many emotions - happiness for the successful birth of our boys and that Hunter was healthy, sadness for the loss of our son, peace knowing that Cade was fulfilling his mission and that we were able to spend some time, however short, with him,  gratitude for the knowledge that our family will be together forever, humble to have such a special spirit be a part of our family, comfort that our Heavenly Father was with us and most of all love for both of our special boys and my amazing husband.

We had prayed all along that Cade would be allowed to fulfill his mission to come to earth and receive his body. The doctors had told us he would pass away prior to being born so his birth was definitely one of the many miracles we experienced during this journey.

First family picture

When Cade arrived I held him and Hunter together and we took a few pictures. Then I asked Brad to give Cade a name and a blessing.  I wanted to make sure that took place before he passed away.  We choose the name Cade because it means "pure" and Parker was on a list I had made prior to their birth and we liked the sound of the two names together.  During the blessing Brad gave Cade his name. He blessed him to know how much his family loved him and how grateful they were to meet him at that time.  He blessed him that while his mission here on earth was short and he had completed what he needed to do, that he would fulfill his mission in the spirit world and that he would work hard there.  He blessed him that we would all feel close even though we are not together. He blessed him that he would be reunited with his family when the time came and that we would all continue the relationship that had been started here. Brad also asked for a blessing that as Cade's parents we would be prepared to raise him in the millennium.  At the end, he was blessed to come forth in the morning of the first resurrection with a strong and perfect body. 

Brad getting ready to give Cade his name and blessing

After the blessing everyone took a turn holding Cade and we took more pictures.  We then asked our family to leave us for a little while so we could spend some time with just us and the boys. It was such a peaceful and amazing experience. One that is hard to put into words.  We cried, laughed, and cried some more.  We wanted time to stand still.

After a while our family was causing a traffic jam in the hallway and they told us we needed to move to my permanent room down the hall.  Just before moving rooms, someone handed Cade to Brad and that is when Brad knew he had passed away.  He no longer twitched as he had before and was no longer taking short labored breaths. It wasn't until we got to the new room and the doctor arrived a few minutes later that they checked Cade for a heartbeat and pronounced him at 1:30pm.

To be continued...

The night before...

I know many of you have been waiting patiently for any sort of post from me.  I have thought many times about writing about the day Hunter and Cade were born but haven't had the words or energy to even start.  I still do not know how I want to remember that day but hope and pray that the words will come so that as I look back I can have a record of what transpired. Please be patient this will come in pieces.

Here is the final picture of my belly the night before the twins were born.

The days leading to July 8th were filled with sincere prayer asking our Heavenly Father to help us feel peace, comfort and understanding of His will for our family, whatever the outcome.  As I look back, the many prayers and blessings given always said we would understand and to have patience.  Those that know me understand that patience is not my strongest quality but I know that Heavenly Father knew that was what I needed to hear in order to continue to trust in Him.

Brad gave me a blessing the night before we went in. He blessed me once again to be comforted in knowing that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me.  He blessed me to be alert after the delivery so that if baby b didn't make it I would be able to remember the experience and enjoy the time we had with him. He blessed the doctors, nurses and those involved that they would make the best decisions for me and the babies.   He also blessed me to recover quickly from the c-section and be able to take care of what was needed.   As I look back I was hoping for our miracle but knowing deep inside that Cade wouldn't survive.

Brad also received a blessing a few days before from our home teacher.  He was told that Heavenly Father was aware of him and his fears.  He was then told to trust the doctors, nurses and medical staff to take care of me and the babies.  He was told he had the authority to call down the power of heaven to protect his family. He was blessed with strength to help me and support me that day and the days following their birth. Which he did and has been a HUGE support the past 8 weeks!
We both said a prayer that night that if Cade was not going to be a part of our family in this life that Heavenly Father would take him quickly and that he wouldn't suffer. 

And our prayer was answered.

Birth Announcement

We are happy to announce the birth of our twin boys on July 8th at 10:33am. On the left in picture is Hunter Jacob Bennett  5lbs 15oz 18in and on the right is Cade Parker Bennett 6lbs 6oz 19in.  Hunter is doing well and Cade passed away peacefully at 1:30pm that day.

We were extremely blessed to be surrounded by our family that day.  We  appreciate the many prayers offered on our behalf and words of comfort from our family and friends.

35 weeks 4 days and counting

Time sure flies when every time you try to use the computer on your lap your hands become numb!  I have tried to sit down to post or really do anything on the laptop and find my fingers and hands getting numb after only a few minutes.  Just another fun side effect of pregnancy I hear :).

There isn't a lot to tell about the babies until this Thursday's Ultrasound.   Since my last update we met with the doctors and decided to schedule a c-section for sometime between 36-37 weeks.  The only date Dr. Sean Esplin was available was July 8th so that is the special day. (Which is also the birthday of another dear friend!) He is one of the perinatologists we have met with at IMC and happens to be the cousin of a dear friend in our ward.  After meeting him a couple times we felt very comfortable with him delivering our babies since my regular OB is not able to deliver at the U hospital.  At first we were hoping for something closer to July 2nd but after discussing Baby B's condition further we all agreed giving both babies another week would make them stronger to fight any aliment that they may face.  Also, July 2nd -5th is holiday time and some of the best doctors at Primary Children's would be on vacation. So we are hoping I don't go into labor on my own before July 6th just in case we need those doctors.

I met with Dr. Esplin yesterday to discuss the day of delivery and what to expect with a c-section as well as what to expect with the babies care after delivery.  He said that Baby A will have a pediatric team in the same room as us to look him over and see if he needs any additional help breathing or if he is ok on his own.  If all is ok we will be able to hold him right in that room.  Then he said Baby B will be handed through the "window" into the care of the neonatal ICU doctors to see what issues he/she will have and we should know within 30-40 min if there were lungs enough to sustain life or if the baby will pass away.  If there are enough lungs developed, then over the fiirst couple days we will find out if the kidney's are slightly damaged and will be ok or if they were severely damaged and the baby will need a transplant.  They will also try to find the blockage to take some pressure off the kidneys as soon as they can.  We meet with a neonatal doctor this Thursday to find out exactly what they will do and how they decide what next steps to take depending on multiple outcomes. We also want to find out how long we can anticipate baby B being in the hospital for each outcome.

As you can imagine, we have experienced many emotions throughout this journey and in the past week we have experienced many more.   The anticipation of this day is finally here, we have a set date for delivery which makes the end more real.  We are so excited (and nervous) to be parents and can't wait to meet these 2 spirits that have been growing inside me the past 9 months but at the same time a bit cautious knowing the outcome of baby B could vary so much.  Brad and I have talked a lot the last few days about what we have experienced so far and what we have learned.  First of all, we have learned we have no control over what happens next, it is all up to our Heavenly Father and His will for us and our family.  Second, we have had good days and bad days, answered prayers  and unanswered prayers, hope and fear, faith and discouragement.  And what we determined from all this, is that without trials we wouldn't learn anything, we wouldn't know or understand our purpose in this life, we wouldn't develop faith or have a reason to strengthen our testimony in our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  Life is definitely a test and how we react to each challenge or trial we face helps determine who we are and helps us to become stronger.  As much as we want life to be easy it wouldn't help us learn and grow.   I feel like I am rambling but I hope this makes sense to at least one person or that our children will look back on this and learn something from our experience.  I know our marriage has been strengthened throughout this experience as well as our testimony of prayer and the power of the priesthood.  Every day we both look at each other and think we couldn't love each other more and then a day later we feel that same way again, as cheesy as that sounds it is true. What a blessing to be married to my best friend and love him more today than I did almost 8 yrs ago on our wedding day, even with each of our faults.

Finally, we are so blessed to have a gracious Heavenly Father who loves both of us and lets us know on a daily basis that He is aware of us and knows what we are experiencing. A caring and inspired home teacher that has, on many occasions, given both Brad and I priesthood blessings when needed.   I am grateful for a loving husband that helps me to be calm when needed, exercises his priesthood when needed, helps me to talk things through, and will also share his feelings so we feel like we are a team walking side by side throughout this journey and not going through this alone.   Family and friends that continue to inspire and support us as the time draws near. We are lucky to have so many wonderful people in our lives and the knowledge of the gospel to remind us we are not alone and that our Heavenly Father's plan is perfect.

We will have the majority of our family there on the 8th - parents, siblings, etc... just in case.  We are still hopeful for a miracle but we have faith that whatever happens is in the best interest of our family. Thanks again for the continued prayers and support... keep them coming!

33 weeks and counting...

I am sorry I haven't updated earlier this week, but life just gets away from me sometimes. I was 33 weeks on Friday June 11th and had our most recent ultrasound that day. More on that in a bit.

1st off after posting from my last non-stress test we found out that baby A's amniotic fluid was high enough not to worry about early delivery. Apparently, the nurse that worked with me on Friday wasn't as familiar with doing a NST for twins and didn't know what to look for exactly. Luckily the original nurse I had the 1st time I went in was there on Tues and Friday this past week and she has 35yrs experience as an OB nurse. She is super nice and always knows what to do so I can get in and out of the appointment quickly. I will continue to go in every Tues and Friday for NST (non-stress tests) until I deliver.

The ultrasound on Friday went well, both babies continue to grow which is a good sign for us since the doctors told us that baby B would most likely have passed away by now or not continue to grow at the same rate as baby A. They still say that the probability that baby B will survive after birth is very low and we are trying to prepare for that outcome but at the same time hoping and praying for our own miracle that he/she will have a different mission to fulfill in this life. Now the stats...

Boy is measuring 32 weeks 3 days
Baby B is measuring 33weeks exactly
Boy weighs 4lb 7 oz
Baby B weighs 4lb 10oz
Boy's heart rate 129 bpm
Baby B heart rate 138 bpm
Boy is in the 38th percentile for growth
Baby B is in the 46th percentile for growth

We also noticed that baby B's left kidney now has more fluid in it than the right one and asked the doctors if we needed to take the babies at 34 weeks rather than wait until after 36 weeks. We are problem solvers and felt that if one kidney was bigger it may help to take the babies earlier so they could hopefully fix baby B's blockage to not have any further damage to the kidneys. They told us that the damage to the kidneys has already happened and taking the babies early will not help that outcome but possibly cause other issues to be present from premature delivery. After talking about different options it was determined that we will try to plan an induction of labor sometime between 36 -37 weeks. They will check with the doctor we have chosen to see what his schedule looks like to get everything planned. We want to plan the labor if possible so that if baby B doesn't survive we can have our family there to meet them before they pass away. We will continue to pray to see if our Heavenly Father has a different plan and if we need to adjust the time table but for now we both felt that I would go into labor prior to 37 weeks on my own thus the plan to schedule delivery just before. Obviously, we understand that I could still go into to labor anytime between now and then but this will at least give us something to work towards.

People always ask "how are you feeling" I have started responding "I feel pregnant!" I think that explains it all... I feel big, uncomfortable, parts of my body that shouldn't hurt do, I have a hard time walking even short distances sometimes but overall feel blessed to have this opportunity to carry these babies. It is such a miracle to be able to feel their movements and know that they will be able to fulfill their individual missions when they are born. There are many that won't have this opportunity and at one time I was one of them, so I know what some of that feels like. So, I am not taking this opportunity for granted. I feel like I am growing a little everyday and am starting to feel both babies more frequently. Even baby B is starting to move his/her head and feet more and I can feel more movement than I have in the past. Our little guy is always moving and sometimes moves so much my belly looks like I have a half of a tennis ball on top of it!

I have had some requests for an updated picture so here are a couple from 33 weeks.

We are as always extremely grateful for the support of our wonderful family and friends! We can feel your love, concern and prayers as we continue this journey. Thank you!

32 weeks and going to labor and delivery?

I had my first 2 NST's (Non-stress tests) last week. The 1st was uneventful, except that because of the Memorial Day holiday, there were many emergencies from Labor and delivery that were taken a head of me (I was the 2nd appt of the day).

The one on Friday was a bit more eventful. (I was 32 weeks on Friday.) Some background for future generations or those that had babies prior to NST's :) . When you go in they want to measure the amniotic fluid in each sac, while doing so they look via ultrasound to see which direction the baby is facing. Then they hook up a monitor on each baby, as well as, a monitor to measure contractions of the uterus. Then they leave me there for 20+ min while the computer charts the heartbeats of both babies for any abnormalities and watch to see how many contractions I may be having. So on Friday, the nurse had a hard time finding any amniotic fluid in either sac to measure. At first I thought it was just hard because of baby B but when she asked the other nurse to come in and try we found that the fluid did seem to be a bit lower in baby A as well. I asked what that meant and they said normally we like to see over 10 but your fluid is measuring 5.7 and typically if you are under 6 we send you to labor and delivery. It was a bit of a shock to hear that baby A's fluid was low now too but they said the doctor would come look and make the decision in a few minutes. Well after 45 min of charting the heart beats they still hadn't come back to check on me. I had overheard some of them saying they couldn't find the doctor which meant I had to wait until they found him/her. Since I am still working, I like to get to work as early as I can or I have to stay later that day so I was getting a bit frustrated. I know I need to work on patience! It also gave me a lot of time to think about all that I didn't have ready for the babies arrival and was I really ready to go to labor and delivery today... no! I was relieved when finally the other doctor came in (Dr. Holmgren) and she took a gander at the babies fluid. She said after looking through that the fluid looked similar to the week before and since the babies heart beats looked strong and I had no contractions yet we should wait to see what the next NST would show Tuesday. I also asked her as we were looking at the babies if she thought baby B's kidneys looked a bit bigger and she agreed they did (even though we didn't measure). I asked her if that changes anything with our plan to wait until 34 weeks to make sure baby A is as far along as possible and she said she doesn't see it as a problem yet and may still want to wait until 36 weeks. She asked when the next ultrasound was and I told her Friday June 11th. She said let's wait until that appointment, see what the kidney's are measuring by then and discuss our options at that time. Ultimately it will be our call as parents but they will give their recommendations next week. After I left I started to wonder about the low fluid and didn't remember them saying anything from the week before so I have lots of questions for my NST appt Tuesday.



Over the weekend I had a lot of time to ponder about my upcoming delivery and what that means for baby B. Am I emotionally ready for the outcome whatever that may be? Can anyone really be "ready"? I am finding myself praying more continually for peace and comfort to know that whatever happens is the plan that our Heavenly Father has always had for baby B and for us. I am very grateful for a loving husband that keeps me grounded when I start to wonder and think to much about all that could happen. I am trying to prepare for the 4 outcomes we know about, realizing that our Heavenly Father could have 10 different outcomes that we are unaware of. I am grateful for dear friends that are willing to share their experiences with the deaths of their babies or health issues to know we are not alone in this journey and whatever happens we too will make it through and along the way learn the lessons we need at this time. There is a lot going through my mind and wish I could express all that I am experiencing. It is amazing how much I can love 2 children I haven't met yet. I can't wait to meet them!

Thanks again to all of you that have been so supportive the past several months! I am especially grateful for a wonderful mother who is willing to step in and help whenever she is asked and even when she is not. As well as a father who supports her leaving him for a day to help me and when asked steps in to help as well. And my brother and father-in-law that have helped Brad finish our playroom and other projects around our home to get it ready for the arrival of our sweet babies.

Thank you thank you!

Garage sale anyone?

This month is really getting away from me! I have been wanting to post pictures from my showers and document those fun moments with friends and family and so I will try over the next few days to get those up here too.

On Saturday Kim, Melissa, Linda and I, went garage sale shopping for Linda's birthday. We had a great time! I wasn't planning to buy very much but ended up finding some great deals on toys for our playroom like an almost new basketball hoop, fire truck, spiderman figurine, stand up play thing for kids learning to stand (not sure the official term) and many more fun items. Linda and Kim also talked me into buying almost 40 articles of clothing from one home that were like new. After washing them and folding them I am VERY grateful they did. They were all boy clothes for varying ages from 3 months - 2T and super cute! I got a great deal on them - I think she had mercy on me after finding out I was pregnant with twins. :)

Here are a couple pictures of all the fun treasures we came home with! This includes all of us not just mine! Thanks gals for a fun morning!