How to Discipline Effectively Without Spanking
My three year old running is around my house screaming, yelling and jumping on the couch I yell in frustration “You stop that and settle down or you’re getting a spanking!” The fact is he knows that I really don’t want to spank him and usually I won’t. On the rare occasion that I do spank, by swatting on the bum, him he laughs or goes right back to the same behavior after a few minutes or the next day, and I am left feeling bad for giving the spanking. Frustrated at my lack of control of my willful little man I’ve thought, why spank it gets me no real results and it really doesn’t make sense as a punishment. When I am trying to teach my child not to hit, isn’t a spanking essentially hitting?
Studies have shown that 80 to 90% of children ages 3-5 have been spanked (Zolotor 2008). Studies have shown that parents who do spank are 3-5 times more likely to become abusive (Zolotor 2008). The fact is spankings stop being effective and in frustration some parents escalate from an open handed swat on the bum to something more serious like hitting with an object or other forms of abuse.
Why don’t spankings work? Dr. Sears explains that spankings do not work because the act of swatting on the bum teaches the child that the parent thinks it is ok to hit, confusing the child. He also states that spanking makes the child feel bad about themselves, and when they feel bad about themselves they act out and misbehave more. Spanking leads to authority by imposing fear of pain, children should trust and respect their parents not fear them. Often when parents spank it is when they have reached a boiling point and they spank out of anger and frustration, failing to teach the child self-control (Sears 2012).
Are there really negative consequences from spanking? The answer is yes there can be. The most common negative consequence that researchers have found in children who are spanked often is aggression (Mackenzie 2012). This means they are more likely to hit or punch their peers or family members. Dr. Sears noted that in a study spanning 19 years researchers found that children from homes that primarily used corporal punishment were more likely to be self-centered and rebellious, and that they used physical violence to get their way (Sears 2012). Overall spanking can have a negative effect on the parent child relationship and only result in a very temporary behavior change (Lwo 2010).
What are some ways parents can discipline and teach good behavior? 1. Set age appropriate limits and be consistent with those limits.
2. If the children are old enough discuss expectations and rules, and have their feedback on appropriate consequences for when they break rules.
3. Reason and talk with children. Explain your expectations and why. For example explain to a child why they cannot have a candy bar before dinner, because I said so does not teach them that candy before dinner is a bad idea every day. By explaining why you can prevent the same battle over a candy bar for the future too.
4. Give children opportunities to make choices. By allowing your child choices they learn to problem solve and think through consequences. For example allowing your child to skip dinner when they whine to get down has the consequence of them being hungry later, teaching them that dinner time is the time to fill their bellies.
5. Be consistent, give them structure and stability in their lives. By being consistent and structured children learn routines and expectations. Children who don’t have consistency from parents cannot be expected to behave consistently all of the time.
When your child does act out what can you do? There are many techniques to not only curb the behavior, but also teach at the same time. 1. Take a time out. If your child is throwing a fit or hitting have them take a time out, making sure and talk to them about the behavior and what you expect. This can be a time for the parent to cool down, and for the child to reflect on their behavior. 2. Remove a privilege. When taking away a privilege try to have it related to the misbehavior. For example if your child rides their bike in the street take away their bike for a reasonable amount of time. 3. Redirect them to good behavior. If your child is attempting to play with something they should not direct them to another toy or game. 4. Ignore tantrums or attempts to torment and annoy. If you ignore your 7 year old making an annoying noise, or allow your three year old to lay on the floor and kick and scream (as long as they are safe) and go about your routine, odds are that the child will stop the behavior and move on to something else. 5. Plan ahead, and have practical expectations. There are occasions that are simply harder with children. Don’t expect them to be silent in a restaurant, or behave like an angel with the lack of proper sleep. By planning ahead for naps or occasions that might be more difficult you can avoid outbursts, or have more patience with them. 6. Follow through on agreed consequences. If you and your child agree that they won’t be allowed to go to a sleep over if they are late coming home, follow through on the agreement and ban the sleepover.
Spanking might get immediate results and some of these alternate techniques might take more time and patience, but taking the time can lead to a better behaved child over time. Children can learn positive decision making and in the long run create a more trusting and closer parent child relationship.
References:
Lwo, L. L., Yuan, Y. (2010) Teachers’ Perceptions and Concerns on the Banning of Corporal Punishment and its Alternative Disciplines. Education and Urban Society Sage Publications. doi: 10.1177/0013124510380232
MacKenzie, M. J., Nicklas, E., Waldfogel, J. and Brooks-Gunn, J. (2012), Corporal Punishment and Child Behavioural and Cognitive Outcomes through 5 Years of Age: Evidence from a Contemporary Urban Birth Cohort Study. Inf. Child Develop., 21: 3–33. doi: 10.1002/icd.758
Sears, W. Sears, M. (2012) 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child. Ask Dr Sears A Trusted Resource for Parents. http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
Zolotor, A. J., Theodore A. D., Chang J. J., Berkoff M. C., Runyan D. K. (2008) Speak Softly and Forget the Stick: Corporal Punishment and Child Abuse. American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Vol 35 iss 4 10/2008 pages 364-369, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2008.06.031
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