The last few months we've been back in the process of fertility treatments, which is always a stressful, yet exciting thing for us. We've done 2 more rounds of artificial insemination (IUI) and both have been unsuccessful. The first negative was pretty rough for me. We kept it a secret from our families because we've been feeling a lot of pressure from them lately, but that ended up being an added stress to not have anyone to talk to about it. This second negative was not as bad. I think the first negative was the hardest because the last time we tried IUI over a year ago I miscarried. I guess deep down inside I really thought it would work the second time, which made it harder when it didn't.
Statistics say that if a couple doesn't get pregnant after 4 rounds than it isn't a likely solution, so we're going to try it one more time. I actually am really glad this chapter is coming to a close. Fertility treatments are always rough because they can be pretty painful with my endometriosis. But I feel at peace with the steps we've taken. If this next round doesn't work, then we're on to In-vitro. Even though it is ridiculously expensive ($12,000 a round), if it brings us our miracle, it's a sacrifice we're willing to make!
This whole process has really changed my perception of failure. Like most people, growing up I had disappointments, and moments when I felt a considerable loss in my otherwise happy, blessed life. Looking back on these moments, I can't help but laugh.Like the time I didn't make Jetettes and all of my friends did. I thought the world was over...
...Or the time I worked hard all summer and hoped to get the lead (Cinderella) in the school play, but ended up being an Ugly Stepsister. :) (It ended up being a blast, by the way.)
In the moment, these things seemed like a big deal, and later on, ended up being just a brief moment of change. Everything ended up turning out for the best.
But the last 4 and a half years have completely changed my perspective on failure. Up until when we started trying to get pregnant, I fully believed that I had control over my life and my destiny. If I ever failed at something it was because there was something inherently wrong with me or I hadn't worked hard enough. I didn't understand that "failure" is sometimes part of Heavenly Father's plan.
Well, after failing to conceive month after month after month for years, I've come to a new understanding about what failing is. I'm not a failure. I just have an element in my life that is outside of my control. Don't get me wrong, I've had days when I've felt bitter and angry and confused, but through it all I've come to accept that it's not my fault.
I believe we all encounter forces outside of our control in our lives. Things that we may not understand in the moment, but things that in retrospect make sense or serve a purpose. I know that our struggle with infertility will be like that someday. In the past I've asked questions like, "How can I be more righteous in my life so that Heavenly Father will bless me with a baby?" or "What traits is He waiting for me to develop so that I can be worthy to be a mother?" Now, I no longer blame myself for what is happening. I know that this challenge has nothing to do with me not being worthy or righteous enough. The hard things that we face are not God's way of punishing us, but His way of paying us a compliment--that he knows we can handle the difficulties life brings and that we can be further refined and become more like Him.
My new definition of failure: The only way I can truly fail in this challenge is by giving up or losing my testimony. All I can control is my attitude.
This I know for sure.
