Sad thoughts

I found some old pictures and files and started going through them. I came across an old notebook I had as a kid. I was so excited to see that it was my 2nd year school journal- the exact same grade as my Jaylen! 

 I started reading this particular entry to Aaron, and after the first page or two, we both looked at each other and was like, "Um, that got really sad and real all the sudden" and so unexpected for me. I couldn't help but to sit there, in tears, very sad for my younger self. How can a 7 year old have these feelings already? How could  I feel so angry and unloved at such a tender age? I remember my teacher and feeling a deep loss when I was leaving her class that year- and I also remember a time feeling very lonely, angry and lost in my family- but didn't realize I was at that young of an age- the same age as my sweet Jaylen. 

I don't know what was happening that year (must have been 1991) in my family, but it's heartbreaking reading my feelings at the time.

 I don't know why these flipped around, but I can't get them to upload right side up!

I've been thinking about it a lot this week. I can't help but have feelings of frustration and sadness for my younger child self. Tears have come seeing a little child's handwriting, sharing such anger throughout this notebook, much less realizing I was this little girl. I quickly came to understand that I can't do anything about the past. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I have a lot of frustrations about my childhood. What I can do is change the cycle, learn from the past, and create a better future for myself and those things I can control in the life of my children.

I am so happy that my sweet boys don't have the anger, wonder of my love, and aren't in the situation I was in. Jaylen is very happy, loved and cared for. He's a loving, kind friend to those around him and has friends that treat him well in return. We do our best to love, care and see that their needs are met. I never go a day without snuggling him, constantly telling him I love him, and making sure if I don't do anything else right, that at least he'll know that I love and care for him no matter what.

I'm grateful for the ability to have this blog- record all the sweet moments, the trials, the happenings and look back on the journey. My biggest hope is that my boys will be able to look back and see their life and know how much we loved them and found joy in raising them. 

*After note- I got out my Dad's personal history and read during this time frame. There was a lot of issues happening with my mom's mental state and Dad's work, etc. I'm glad to have his journals to learn more of his perspective of things since he's gone. He seemed very aware of my mom's mental struggles but didn't seem to be as in touch with the struggles of us kids, although he does briefly note a few kids struggling, but not much detail besides that. Glad to have a different perspective on this time frame, and although it doesn't make it less sad for me, it gives me a greater understanding of how I could have felt this way. 

Food-less

I feel like I'm always forgetting stories I want to record when I don't write them down right away, so I'm going to try to be better. These cute little boys fill our lives with so much fun and silliness, I don't want to forget these days.

We were snuggling this morning after the boys woke up and came in our room and I started asking Gavin how we could keep him little and 4 years old forever since I absolutely love his age right now. He said, "Well, I could stop eating food that makes me so healthy and big." So we started teasing him that we were no longer going to feed him breakfast in order to keep him little. He FREAKED. He screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!!" abd started thrashing around, trying to hit Aaron. He was NOT going without breakfast. We love Gavin's strong love for food. He reacts to food with the strongest emotions- it's hard not to laugh. 

Another recent story (& of course it deals with food) is about cleaning out around the fridge. I've got a list of things I'm trying to clean and organize before baby comes. Aaron had pulled the fridge out and we were sweeping and mopping behind and around it. The boys came in all concerned about what we were doing with the fridge out of its space. We teased them that we were done eating food and we're getting rid of our fridge because we were tired of having to eat so much so we were just going to give it up. Jaylen and Gavin's faces were priceless. Gavin said, "But we're going to strtaaaarrrrrvvvveeeeeeeee!!" Jaylen just stood there shocked. Gavin tried to hug the fridge saying, "NOOOOO!" We all giggled and laughed after we explained we were teasing and how silly that idea was.  Our boys get no shortage of teasing for sure! They're just too fun to tease! 

Westhoff cousin sleep over

My cute nieces and nephew came over for a cousin sleepover! We've been wanting to do one for a long time- but crazy schedules and working on Saturday mornings has made it difficult to do. I finally took the Saturday off and enjoyed having them over to play. We made individual pizzas, did a candy hunt, had a dance party, curled, braided and combed hair, played hide and go seek, watched a movie, had cinnamon rolls and smoothies and went to the rec center to rock climb and swim. It was a very full weekend- and very fun memories created!

Aaron introduced us to Pee Wee Herman on Netflix. WOW. We laughed and laughed. Man, that was a messed up show!

I love seeing Aaron with my nieces. He is so sweet and tender with them. He brushed Addie's hair for over an hour. She loved it and kept saying she was going to fall asleep from how good it felt. He braided a couple of the girl's hair and was so sweet with them. He's definitely a fun uncle.

They were putting their hair over his head and making it look like he had long curly hair and taking pictures. They were busting up laughing at the pictures. So silly!

Dancing!

Movie/bed time. Pee Wee Herman did not disappoint!

Kylee climbing the wall! She's been so fun to watch play soccer so far this year! She's in 10th grade and starting varsity- such a stud!

I love having family close by. It's sad to not see them more often, but I'm glad we get to attend soccer games coming up and have them over occasionally. It's hard with schedules to get together often, but it's always fun when we do. They are great kids and really responsible so it makes it really easy to have them over.

Jaylen's off to second grade!

Jaylen is a big 2nd grader! 

Jaylen is such a happy, go lucky boy. Low maintenance- ready and excited to go to school. Wasn't stressed, anxious or seemed to be bothered. He was excited to see his new class and play with friends. 

We made a special breakfast of pancakes, bacon and eggs and got him showered and all ready to go. It was the first year Aaron gave both the boys back to school father's blessings, since it's Gavin's first year in preschool in a couple weeks. So crazy! Such special memories.

We went to his back to school night and met his English teacher, Mrs. Benware, and his Chinese teacher, Miss Maggie Yen. He is almost as tall as Mrs. Benware- she thought Gavin was her student when she first saw them, and then we pointed to Jaylen and she gasped.

Visiting his Chinese classroom was a crazy experience. There is no English allowed, so she spoke at us in Chinese and spoke mostly to Jaylen. She's a cute, younger lady from Taiwan. To watch him respond and understand her is incredible. I'm just in awe. He seemed to have no problem communicating with her. She was talking to him and he kept looking at me and finally whispered in my ear what she was telling him to have me do. He was funny afterwards, telling me how inappropriate I was trying to speak English in that room. Ha! He's excited for more Chinese learning.

I rode with Jaylen to school on our bikes. I was much better with taking him to school this year emotionally, yet on the way, I couldn't help but get teary eyed. I miss having my sweet Jaylen at home. Gavin misses him and I miss his cute questions and snuggles.

When did he grow up this much??

It was fun to see Jaylen reconnect with friends on the playground before school.

Kelson is back in school this year! His scan came back 100% cancer free! They'll watch him closely this year and he's got a higher chance of it coming back- but hopefully he'll have a normal life from here on out. He still is dealing with some of the side effects from chemo- one being that he's cold all the time. He wears jeans and long shirts in 100 degrees! Jaylen was excited to see him and they sit by each other at lunch and play at recess.

It was interesting seeing the dynamic of when Porter got there. Kelson was his best friend in kindergarten but was out of school all last year when Porter was his best friend in 1st grade. I realized quickly that Porter and Kelson haven't met and were pulling Jaylen in opposite directions.  I'm really hoping Jaylen can include both of them and not exclude Kelson. Porter is pretty clingy to him, younger and more immature, so I'm a little worried about Jaylen playing with everyone, not just him. We've talked with him about it, and it seems like he's aware and conscious to be kind, play and include everyone.

Big 2nd graders!

Jaylen is a gentle giant. He loves snuggling, is super sweet, and loves to be on schedule. He told us he wanted to walk to school rather than ride his bike because he could hear the birds and the wind better if he walked. It was precious. He's really easy to please. It's one thing that Aaron and I have been talking about, that has made us really grateful. Our boys aren't demanding for too many things- they are happy with small, simple things and aren't spoiled acting (usually!). Jaylen loves to write out schedules and plan his day. He likes to know where he's going and whats happening. He loves Minecraft, playing Mario (which he's REALLY good at), swimming, Ninjas, karate, wearing my Fitbit and collecting steps, having his back and booty scratched and playing with friends. He's really good at making smoothies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and isn't picky with his food. I'm amazed at his honesty and desire to do what we tell him to do (most of the time). He's such a good boy.

He wears a size 6 1/2 shoe, is around 60-70 lbs and I haven't checked his height for awhile, but he's growing QUICKLY.

I love our sweet Jaylen. He's so sensitive, in tune and gentle. I just can't get enough of him! He wakes up super early and reads, plays and sneaks into my bed around 6 am. He snuggles up, rubs my belly and whispers he loves me in my ear. It's seriously the best part of my day. He's so content and happy getting warm and snuggled right by me. It's these precious early morning times that I watch him doze off on my chest, listen to his dreams, rub his back and belly and think about the blessing of being a mother. Only I get to have these sweet moments with this child, who's been entrusted to me. It's cherished time. He is literally my heart walking around outside my chest- I can't explain the love I have for him. I'm lucky to have him in our home.

Jaylen's end of summer reading goal complete!

We gave Jaylen a challenge at the beginning of the summer to read 15 chapter books and do a full, 2 page book report on each one and we'd do something fun of his choice at the end of the summer. (Funny side note- he said he wanted to go to Menchie's for ice cream. One of the things we love about our Jaylen. He's so content with the little things and not demanding. We told him he could pick something a little more). 

Jaylen did it! He did a great job with his reading and writing and we were excited to take him to Fiesta Fun to do laser tag, arcade, miniature golf and grab some ice cream.

They played through the course twice.

Watching Gavin enjoy food, especially things like ice cream is priceless. He gets so giddy and silly about it.

Burgers and ice cream. Yum yum!

Jaylen's been asking to camp out for a while now. It was a cooler night, so we setup the tent in the backyard and the boys monkeyed around outside in the tent until about 10 pm and then zonked out. They were so excited!

They slept out there for 2 nights before we put the tent away. Too cute.

So proud of our Jaylen and the way he tries to be so obedient, follow his schedule and get things done. I'm so impressed with his reading skills and that he doesn't complain about learning. Love our little boy.

He absolutely LOVED laser tag. Gavin and him played together, and then Aaron went in with them for a second time. It was really cute. Jaylen was all smiles!

First half of August 2015

My cute friend Janice and her daughter Sophie after STEPS swim class

I discovered laying on the boy's intertube after swim was amazing! It's so nice to lay on my belly for a bit! Gavin also loved climbing and resting on my back.

I love watching Aaron read to our little Luigi

I found some cute things while sorting out Jaylen's cubby and took a picture of them to remember them.

One of Gavin's first drawings of people.

Jaylen's mother's day letter from last year

Me, Kara, Nicole, Camilla and Megan- group instructors at the Summit

This hammock is right outside the pool at Red Mountain. I love to lay in there for a bit if I have a break.

30 weeks. 10 to go!

Jaylen came with me early to my TRX class and we did one-on-one basketball afterwards. He beat me 3-2 so he got to pick out a little treat after!

Last day that both the boys came with me to STEPs because Jaylen is headed back to school. I'll miss hearing these two giggling and playing at the pool every M/W/F!

Gavin zonked out after swimming last week

Beautiful 10 mile run along these trails with Steph

Ahhhh, my happy place!

Brianhead with the Madsens

My client, Alisha, invited us up to their family's cabin to fish, kayak and enjoy some cooler weather for the weekend. It was weird to feel cold for a little while! 

She told me a couple days before that the days we'd be there on her birthday! I'm glad we were able to go and help her celebrate (her husband isn't too supportive about those kinds of things). Jaylen picked us both flowers. It was really sweet.

There is a little pond right out front of the condo. I can't believe we sledded on this in the winter!

Gavin insisted on being Luigi for the weekend. He loves that costume!

The water was chilly!!!

Alisha's husband, Doug, loves to fish so he brought out his fishing gear. Jaylen was so proud to catch a fish!

I learned a new things about parenting that I wasn't expecting. Jaylen was ALL over wanting to carry, take care of and watch their little boy Brantley. My heart exploded, realizing the emotions that come with seeing an older sibling love and connect with a younger sibling. Jaylen was still so young when Gavin came around, so I didn't really experience the type of love and care that Jaylen is now capable of with a new baby. Jaylen is going to be such a GOOD big brother. He soaked it in with Brantley, I can only imagine the joy and happiness it's going to be seeing him with Miles. I love seeing Aaron and my boys bond, and I can only imagine how it's going to feel seeing the boys taking care of Miles. It was SO SO SO CUTE!

Jaylen loves wearing his safety goggles lately to everything. It's pretty dang funny!

The boys were great out on the water!

The boys LOVED doing this tube slide. Gavin had no fear- Jaylen was a bit nervous, but was excited to keep going!

This captures Jaylen's curious, exploring face so so well. We found a trail and we explored it- Jaylen LOVES exploring and finding things. I absolutely love this about his personality.

He picked me the biggest flower he could find. Such a sweet boy!

We took out the Razor for a ride around the ski lift paths. Such BEAUTIFUL views. It was a little crazy bracing myself with my prego belly, but it was a fun trip with the kidos.

Gavin eventually fell asleep back there.

Hanging out at the condo.

Aaron took Gavin out on the canoe and quickly realized he was over the weight limit when water started coming in and make a dash back to the dock- haha!

Riding up to ride the slide down!

 

Aaron got this video of Gavin and their boys in the back of the Razor. They squealed with delight the whole ride.