This Is What Can Happen in Relief Society...

We had a fantastic lesson in Relief Society (the women's organization) at church today, one of those that makes you wish you had another hour to spend together. I left with all these random thoughts swimming around in my head, and they are bugging me to come out (though they didn't interfere with a little Sunday nap, thank goodness). I am going to list them in completely random numbered order, just to try to give them some sort of organization. Oh, and just in case someone reads this who isn't familiar with the LDS interpretation of the Law of Chastity, it is that men & women only have sexual relations with their spouse. Yes, we're crazy enough to believe in complete abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity afterward. Revolutionary, isn't it? ;)

1. We have such an "instant gratification" society. We want what we want and we want it now, thankyouverymuch. I am intrigued by a recent study that says the longer children are able to delay gratification, the better students they are. We sometimes feel badly when our children have to wait for something (no matter what they're wanting, or no matter why we can't give it to them right then). We are in fact, teaching them a valuable lesson every time we help them learn to wait for something they really want. They need to know that it's ok to want something & that it's ok to look forward to receiving it & that it's ok to have certain conditions in place before they can receive it. I hope that in the long run, it also helps them have healthy attitudes about sex and the right time in their life to have it.

2. I saw this Oprah show years ago where the whole audience was applauding this mom for giving her 12 yr old son condoms. They were praising her for helping her son be "prepared," among other things. It made me wonder if the audience would still be applauding if she had said, "Son, I know you're only 12, but I know you are very curious and really looking forward to driving a car. So, here's the state driver's manual. It has all the rules you need to know. Here's the owner's manual to my new car. It will help you get to know the specifics about our family's vehicle. Finally, here are the keys. I think you're to young to drive, but when you think you are ready, I want you to have the keys so you can take off." Do you hear any clapping?! I doubt we would, because everyone knows that a 12 year old does not have the physical or mental maturity to drive a car. Could he take it out for a spin without causing any damage? Maybe he could. But the potential for injury to himself, to others, and to this expensive piece of property is huge! He could be living with the ramifications of the decision to drive without a license for many years...even if he just got caught by a police officer, he would face some big consequences. 

Now, I TOTALLY believe in educating kids about their bodies and about sex & reproduction. What I do NOT believe in is telling them that they will "know when they're ready." I don't think it's helpful to tell teens, "When you are with someone who really loves you," because quite frankly, when you're a teen, you're generally overly sure that this boy/girl loves you more than anyone else ever has or ever will. That is, in part, why breaking up is so painful! lol I want my children to know loud & clear that there are just things in life that you have to wait for! I fully expect that they won't drive without a legal driver's license, and that they won't have sex without a legal marriage certificate, either!

(Total aside to this random thought...if one of my children exhibited behaviors or we had conversations that indicated that she was about to become sexually active, we would be having a LOT of chats & I would do my best to try to help her see how she could be harming herself & the boy by following that course. But, if it became clear that she was going to be - or already was - sexually active, I would totally provide birth control to her. That's my decision - I'm sure there are some that would argue that it would be condoning the action. But, it's her body, spirit, and decision, and the last thing I'd want is for an innocent baby to be brought into the picture. And if she did conceive, there would be a lot of tears & prayers & we would do all we could to help her make the incredibly difficult decision to either keep the baby or adopt it. I would never ever kick her out or disown her or do anything that made her feel I loved her less.) 

Why is it so important to have that license? When you get right down to it, the biological purpose of sex is to procreate. If you are not in a place in life that you can provide a stable home (and in general, marriage is a pretty good indicator of 2 people's intention to create a life together), then you are potentially creating a life that isn't yours to create. I've even heard pre-marital sex compared to murder in the way that if a murder occurs, a life has been taken that wasn't another's to take, and when conception occurs outside marriage, the couple is giving a life that isn't their's to give. Heavy, serious stuff! 

3. The thing I want my children to understand is that God created sex. He created it as the highest possible expression of human love, to be shared between a husband & wife. In His wisdom, He even designed our souls & our bodies to respond in powerful ways. Otherwise, let's face it, who would sign up to go through a pregnancy or commit to a lifetime of caring for another human being?! ;) And, even after the family is complete and no more children join, sex is one of the most bonding experiences couples can have together. It is not bad or evil or dirty. That perception is all Satan's way of distorting things. He is, afterall, the Father of all Lies. If one of our grandest purposes in our eternal progression is to come to earth, receive a body, and experience mortality...if our greatest joy can be found in our family relationships...of COURSE Satan is going to mess with it and do everything within his power to twist something that is so inherently good into complete wickedness, misery, and destruction. 

4. The teacher today brought up the point that most of us succumb to temptation (in any form) when we are lonely, depressed, and confused. I joked that she pretty much described being a teenager! ;) She asked how we can help our kids & ourselves when we are feeling that way, and gave the "church answer" of reading scriptures, prayer, fasting, etc. I would add that we do ourselves & our children a huge favor when we also have other activities to tap into when we're feeling low. My friend Juile runs. My friend Denise's 12 yr old daughter is figuring out that hot showers help her feel better. I had a powerful reminder this week on how awesome music & dancing makes me feel. I am trying to help my daughters develop their own "tool boxes" that help them "fix" their own moods. My hope is that it will help them know that first of all, everyone feels lonely, depressed, and confused sometimes. That's ok! But, God has given them all kinds of talents & experiences that can bring the joy back into their hearts, whether it's a physical activity they love, or creating art, or baking cookies for a friend. OF COURSE, I teach them to pray & ask for God's help, but I hope that if I also teach them to know themselves well enough to help themselves, that they will turn to those healthy outlets in times of sadness. If teens had a better sense that everyone hurts sometimes (maybe that REM song should be required learning?) and that there are things they can do to feel better, then they wouldn't find themselves turning to people, situations, or substances that harm them?

5. Many of you know that I had fertility issues getting both of my children here. As a consequence, I am pretty darn exceptionally fond of them. ;) When I was newly pregnant with Maren, I remember the doc needing to do a lot of lab work. One of the tests I had to sign off on was an HIV/AIDS test, and another for some STD's. They were required by the state, so even though I knew what the results would be, I agreed to them. I didn't give it a whole lot of thought until after she was born & I was chatting with some other mommies about our pregnancies. One mentioned how worried she was about those results coming in, and how relieved she felt when they reported that she was free & clear of any diseases that would have harmed her baby. What a great side-benefit to having lived the law of chastity my whole life! I had enough to worry about during my pregnancies...I was so glad that I could cross those 2 concerns off my list! 

OK! I feel better now, with all these thoughts outta my brain! I don't know if anyone will read them, but I'm going to have Maren read them, so that makes it worth it to me! :D

A Love Letter

Dear MareBear,

After you read yesterday's post, you had mixed feelings. You said you appreciated the compliments, but that you kinda wished I'd just written about how much I love you. Well, that is easy-cheesy to do, so here you go...

Dearest Child,
You have no idea how much my heart longed to bring you here to Earth to join our family. Daddy and I wanted you so much for so very long. Holding you for the first time...even after 2.5 hrs of pushing and constant vomiting...was the best moment of my life. I can't describe the elation & amazement I felt! After all the medications & surgeries & lost babies & illness...there you were! Perfect. You just looked up at me so sweetly like, "Oh. There you are." And don't even get me started on those incredible eyelashes. Who know babies didn't all come with mascara on? I sure didn't...

You instantly became my sidekick and I had no idea what I did with my time before you came. I tried really hard to learn all I could about the best ways to take care of  you & to nurture you. We went on walks, to mom & me classes at the hospital, to storytime, and we sang and read books and sang and read some more books. When I think of your youngest years, the word "delight" springs to mind. OK, and "sleep deprivation." That, too.

You were such a sponge. When you were 4, Gramma J used to "practice" teaching you stuff that she was going to teach her kindergarteners. She would often tell you, "You're not supposed to know that!" and we'd all laugh.

You were so cute with Elaina. I was worried how you would react to her, after being an "only" for almost 4 years. You didn't pay her a whole lot of attention at first, but boy, once she started laughing at you, you were hooked! You quickly slid into the role of Chief Entertainer, and I don't think you've ever slid out of that role!

You are the light of my life, dear one. You are one incredibly talented girl, and I have taken the occasion of your 12th birthday to step back for a minute and go, "Wow." You are by far the coolest kid I've ever known, and like I've told you before, I don't just love you because I'm your mom, but I honestly, truly, genuinely LIKE you.

You are the best.

I am so blessed to be your momma. You were totally & completely worth the wait. And the puking. And the sleepless nights.

One request: if we decide to continue allowing you to get older & grow up, will you please promise me that we'll always like each other?! We may not always like the choices that the other makes, but I can promise you that I will always adore your intelligent, funny, kind, spiritual heart.

Happy 12th Birthday, Miracle Girl!
Love to Infinity & beyond, beyond, beyond,
MOM

How Did We Get Here? Thoughts on MareBear

Have you ever had the chance to get to know someone, and the more you learn about them, the more impressive they seem? And then you find out that they've overcome some major obstacles & challenges in their lives & you're even more taken with them?

As we celebrated MareBear's 12th bday yesterday, I realized that I feel that way about my girl. She was a beautiful baby and a darling, precocious toddler. But things got harder in preschool. I chalked it up to a new sibling, a move 5 days later, and first experiences in school. My list of concerns kept growing in kindergarten, even while the teachers reassured me that "she's just young." My gut knew better.

Mind you, she was a completely gorgeous child. Incredibly bright and mostly delightful. But there was a growing list of concerns we had. In first grade, the school counselor started meeting with her/us regularly and teaching coping strategies. She recommended we see a professional clinician to discuss a diagnosis & possible medication, which we acquired, even though the dx didn't seem to quite encompass all our concerns. In the meantime, I have to add, she was also receiving speech therapy twice a week at UW and once a week at school. Second grade was better. Still rocky at times but we were blessed with a terrific teacher who completely understood who MareBear was and what she needed, as she had a son of her own who was similarly wired. Speech and occupational therapy continued at a children's therapy clinic. Third grade was dicey, and my list of observations & concerns kept growing.

Finally, we figured out the right channels and doctors to visit and she was officially diagnosed with a condition that felt like it made the puzzle pieces fit. She began seeing a new doctor who could counsel and prescribe meds and supplements & we began seeing improvement. We had a lot to learn, but we pursued every avenue that seemed like it would be helpful to our girl.

For most of her childhood, it seemed my life was full of research and my calendar full of appointments for her. I feared making her feel like there was something "wrong" with her, and yet, I had such a desire to see who I could find that might be able to help her feel more comfortable in the world.  And now, after countless meetings with a myriad of doctors and sessions with therapists, we arrive at age 12, 7th grade. And I suddenly realize how completely worth it it all was! I get teary as I think how hard she has worked to do so many things that others take for granted, and I could not be more proud of her. I feel like I can say that she is exactly who she is supposed to be, without any qualifiers like "considering she has this syndrome." She's always going to utilize strategies to manage anxiety, probably never going to like crowds very much, and remembering names & faces will always be a bit of a challenge, but none of those characteristics are going to be detrimental to the degree that they were when she was young. I am so grateful to have lived where we have lived, for each area has brought us to different doctors & therapists who offered just the treatments she needed. I am beyond grateful for the gifted teachers she's had along the way. More than anything, I am eternally grateful to have a Father in Heaven - who knows MareBear better than I do - as my partner in this parenting business.

Now, she's not all raised yet! I know we still have great years ahead, full of challenges and joy. But there's just something about this birthday that marks a spot where I'm feeling like I can breathe a little bit. She's not going to be ok. She's going to be MAGNIFICENT!

Why I Love May 26

The first time you ever set out to accomplish a dream, it's easy to have starry eyes and high hopes. Reality, though, undoubtedly seeps through and makes the second time a lot more daunting not because you want it less, but just because you're wiser.

In the beginning, my doctor told me I needed to prepare myself for the fact that I might not be able to have children, I was still tearfully optimistic as I went through surgeries and fertility drugs and miscarriages, finally resulting in an incredibly nausea-filled pregnancy, and I even had to have pretty major surgery while I was pregnant, followed by a typically unpleasant first-birth experience and a long, painful recovery. We were thrilled to *finally* have our baby girl in our arms and despite it all, felt overwhelmingly blessed.

A few years pass and this beautiful baby girl turned into a charming toddler, fast approaching preschool. She & I were buddies and I couldn't figure out what I ever did before she filled my days. And then her daddy & I started realizing that she was growing up and that maybe we should think about adding another baby to our family.

The thought filled me with complete dread. Not because I didn't want another child, but because the very thought of enduring all that again was just unbearable. I remember praying, asking God, "Should we really have another baby?" (when I knew all along that our daughter was not supposed to be our only child) He answered me while I was singing a hymn with the phrase, "What more can He say than to you He hath said?" It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew that was my answer. I didn't like it particularly, but felt reassured by the hymn, which is all about the firm foundation that Christ has laid for us, and how He will never forsake us.

So, thus began the fertility drugs...again. And...again. 15 months later, under "threat" from my doctor that this was our last try before moving on to more aggressive therapies, I became pregnant. Then came the life-sustaining progesterone supplements, which made me "morning sick" all the time. All these years later, I still feel queasy if I hear a "Maisy" soundtrack, which was one of MareBear's favorite videos at the time (I don't remember images, just the sounds, as I laid on the couch w/my eyes closed. Excuse me...I feel a gag reflex coming on...).

This pregnancy was significantly more painful. My doctor likened it to a pair of new pantyhose vs a pair of old, stretched out pantyhose. Gee, thanks for that visualization! My back still hurts today from those months, btw! Towards the middle-end of the pregnancy, we were offered a great opportunity to move from our 2 bd apt into a friend's house for the same amount of money that we were paying in rent. It wasn't far away, but I still had such a hard time getting us ready to move! I am forever & ever grateful to my mom, who packed us up, moved us out, and cleaned up that awful apartment!

Since first babies never come early - and MareBear came 2.5 wks early - and second babies always come earlier than the first, we were expecting Baby2 to appear around the beginning of the month (thus leaving us a few weeks before we had to move). She sure made a lot of signs and effort, but alas. At 1 week overdue, and 5 days left before our move, I was induced on May 26.

I was scared to be induced, after hearing so many horror stories, but my body was quite ready & it all went quite smoothly; we checked in to the hospital at 7am and were holding her at 2:34 pm.

What a miraculous moment to meet LainyBug for the first time. Such amazing joy and relief! I can never say that I've forgotten all I went through to get either of my girls on this Earth, but I can say that my experiences prepared me to be the mom that I am today. I look at them and thank God every single day for the chance that I have to not just be any ol' mom, but to be the mother of these particular girls. Something about the longing, the physical & emotional pain, the knowledge that it might not happen for me...it all adds up to make me intensely grateful. And protective. And a little bit crazy about them.

May 26 is not just another day closer to summertime for me. It marks the day when my most heartfelt prayers were answered. God truly gave me the courage to face what I had to do to answer the call He gave me to bring one more of His daughters to Earth. He truly did live up to His promise that He would "strengthen me, help me, and cause me to stand."

Please pass the cake!!!

Giddyap!

As if clamming weren't enough excitement for one day, the girls, Grandpa, and Daddy went for an hour-long horse ride on the beach! It is something that the girls have always wanted to do, and the stars aligned - and the weather cooperated - enough to go for it this time. 

It was Daddy's first time to ride a horse.
Ask him what he learned about trotting!

They might have been able to cross "horseback riding" off their 

"Things I Want to Do" list, 

but it just got rewritten near the top of their 

"Things I Cannot Wait to Do Again" list!

Thank you, Gramma & Grandpa, for such FUN first-time experiences!

Can You Dig It?

My parents have long maintained that grandchildren are the reward for allowing your teenagers to live, and this past weekend cemented that belief, I think. You see, it was CLAM SEASON on the coast where my parents live (where they went clamming before work all 5 consecutive days,
since it was open), and my children had never been before, so we loaded up the "guns" and donned our finest raingear...

In case you've ever wondered, wet sand is really, really strong stuff.

MareBear quickly dug her limit (15), and only dug 2 or 3 holes where the digger escaped her powerful clam gun, thus solidly sealing her spot as
#1 Grandchild. (It used to just mean that she was born first)

Not to be outdone, Lainybug quickly proved that just because she was outweighed didn't mean she couldn't dig, too. I had to run back to the car for a bag for her, as we hadn't even thought she'd be able to get any by herself (state law says kids gotta do it all themselves).

Never underestimate the power of the Little Sister!

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I gotta hand it to these girls. Not only were they First Time Master Clam Diggers, but they did it in an impressive bit of rain without a single murmur. Obviously I married well, since they are their father's children, and not mine. :)

Maybe it's the boots, but this family has some serious clam diggin skills. Well, except for me. I didn't have a license, so I just wore the cute boots.
And helped Mom clean & gut the buggers. That counts, right?

Miss J

I subbed for a third grade class today. Most of them greeted me with a smile, but one boy loudly announced his disappointment, "Oh, man! Mrs. N said we would probably have Mrs. J as a sub today!" I was happy to tell him, "You know what?! I AM a Ms J, too! Before I was married, guess what my name was?! It was Miss J!" (yes, her married name & my maiden name are the same). I told them, "So, I betcha that there's a part of me that's still used to being Miss J, so if you want, you can call me that instead of Mrs. R today." We had a chuckle and I thought we moved on, but nope, there were 2 kids that straight-faced called me Miss J all day.

And I responded without missing a beat every time.