So how are you all doing?

That bad, huh?

Yeah…things haven’t really been getting better, have they? In fact, things seem to be getting worse. Or maybe the truth is things were always really bad…we just pretended we didn’t notice.

I haven’t updated this space for a while for a couple reasons. The first is I’ve spent a lot of time writing (and re-writing) some comics I’ve been working on. Speaking of which, thank you to everyone who supported the HOUSEBOUND charity anthology. We raised $400 for both the Hero Initiative and Direct Relief. Don’t worry if you missed out on the indiegogo campaign. There should be another chance to get those awesome stories at some point in the future!

The second reason I haven’t updated my blog is because between the coronavirus, racism, and a big contingent of comic creators turning out to be horrible people, I really have had no idea what to say. I don’t have any insights into what’s happening that haven’t already been said by smarter people, and I certainly don’t have any answers. And ultimately, if you’re not going to add to the conversation, what’s the point of saying anything at all?

Well, the other night my youngest son had a nightmare, so I got up and tucked him back in. He fell asleep immediately, but I, of course, could not. I was wide awake at 1:30 in the morning. This happens to me from time to time, and usually I spend those waking hours thinking about mistakes I’ve made in the past. That may sound odd, but this is something I struggle with a lot. For instance, I think a terrible presentation I gave in a high school English class almost 20 years ago, and after all this time, I still try to think of ways I could have made it better.

But something strange happened the other night when I was up with my thoughts. I didn’t think about my horrible presentation or any of the other negative things that usually rattle around my brain. On the contrary, for the first time in a long time I only thought about happy things. Specifically, I thought a lot about my time at university.

First and foremost, I thought about all the terrible movie nights I used to host in my cramped bedroom (literally), which introduced me to things like Cobra, Above the Law, and, perhaps most importantly, my wife! I also thought about the fact that my neighbour used to come over and ask me to kill the spiders in her apartment. She used to keep a tally, and I’m pretty sure I killed over 200 evil spiders that would have otherwise eaten us all! I used to be very, very brave.

I almost chuckled when I remembered all the ridiculous card nights we used to have. In particular, there was one night that ended with me running to a Tim Hortons with a pot on my head, buying a hot chocolate, then running back to my friends’ place as quickly as possible – where I immediately spilled the drink all over the floor. I may feel differently if it was my floor where I made the mess, but it wasn’t, so that memory always brings a smile to my face.

Finally, while I was awake the other night, I also thought about a crazy (for me) weekend I had in my first year. I wrote an economics midterm on the Friday afternoon, rushed back to Ajax for my high school convocation that night, and went to a party that evening. Then, I drove back to university on Saturday so I could write a business midterm that morning. That night there was a big event for first year business students at a nightclub (can you imagine me at a nightclub?) where I went on what I like to refer to as my first “date” with someone I didn’t know before I went away to school. Now…was it really a date? I have no idea, but it ended…awkwardly, and isn’t that what you look for in a date? Note: When I say it ended awkwardly (which was surely my fault), it’s probably not what you’re thinking, but the evening did include my neighbour (not the one I mentioned previously) sleeping on my couch because his roommate was sleeping in his bed (with someone else), as well as a person I did not live with yelling “Agh, I’m gonna puke” and then puking in my bathroom. So, you know…good times!

You may think, Chris, why is having two midterms and an awkward maybe-date a happy memory? It doesn’t sound like a ton of fun. Simple. Because it was an adventure! Maybe my life is pretty bland and boring, but this is a weekend I look back on fondly.

Life is kinda nuts when you think about it. You meet and interact with so many people, and sometimes you keep lasting friendships with them and other times you don’t. Some of my favourite memories involve people I haven’t spoken to in years, and, in many cases, I wouldn’t know how to contact them even if I wanted to (despite having the entirety of the internet at my fingertips). One thing is for certain, though. I may have a lot of ups and downs while in university, but I sure did have a ton of fun!

So with everything going on in the world right now, what makes me think that now is the time to write about my silly memories? With so much negativity (and negative people) out there I think it’s important to take a moment and remember the little things that make life worth living.  Otherwise, what’s the point of any of it? And, perhaps more importantly, if you don’t take the time to make yourself feel better now and then, you won’t have the strength to fight the battles that need fighting.

Take care, everyone.

A few weeks ago I made the comment that the movie Contagion isn’t as good as I want to believe Outbreak is. Well as an early Father’s Day present, my wonderful wife spent the requisite $7 to purchase me a DVD copy of Outbreak, and I was NOT disappointed.

The first thing I want to highlight is the physical DVD itself. It’s one of those classic double-sided discs, with one side having the standard, formatted-to-fit-this-screen version, and the other side having the widescreen version for those who really need to see the full picture. You never see those anymore.

As great as the disc itself is, the movie is much better. The opening scene features a bomb blast that destroys an entire village, and things only get more intense from there. And it’s not the action that drives the intensity. It’s the acting. While the performances are subtle and nuanced in Contagion, that is not the case in Outbreak. The cast is incredible, featuring Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, Morgan Freeman, Donald Sutherland, Cuba Gooding Jr., and everyone is acting their face off in this movie (not like in Face/Off, where people were acting like their faces were literally taken off). Every line is delivered like it’s the most important thing that’s ever been said in the history of film. My favourites?

“General, with all due respect, fuck you, sir.”

“If you think I’m lying, drop the bomb. If you think I’m crazy, drop the bomb. But don’t drop the bomb because you’re following orders!”

And my ABSOLUTE favourite line:

“It’ll mean your ass if you don’t get your finger on the phone. Finger it!”

You can’t beat dialogue like that.

My favourite part of the movie is at the end, when they find what I like to refer to as the “Outbreak monkey”, they use its blood to develop a cure for the deadly Motaba virus and develop a vaccine in about a day. Isn’t that great! That’s so much better than the 12-18 months needed to develop a vaccine in the real world. What a beautiful fantasy in today’s climate!

Outbreak is absolutely brilliant on so many levels. There will never be a movie about a pandemic as fantastic as Outbreak. Do yourself a favour and give it a re-watch. You won’t regret it.

Or maybe it’ll remind you of the horrible situation that exists in the world right now and make you question whether or not the government would really consider dropping a bomb on their own citizens in order to bring a runaway disease under control. In that case, you probably will regret watching Outbreak.

Either way… goodbye!

PS: Are there any other 25-year-old movies you want to hear me gush over? I’m all ears!

Ninjas. Do they really exist? Today we’ll be digging into the mysterious past of perhaps the greatest—ahhhh, I’m just kidding. Who cares if ninjas are real? What’s important is that they’re cool. No, for today’s post I thought I’d take a little time to talk about something I love: Cooking competition shows.

I love shows like Cutthroat Kitchen (where chefs try to sabotage each other by, for example, making their competition make soup without the use of pots or pans) and Nailed It! (where home bakers try to make fancy desserts but fail spectacularly.) These shows have gimmicks that make them very entertaining, but I’ve recently discovered the Great Canadian Baking Show, which is about very talented home bakers making very fancy desserts in a tent (where is that tent anyway?). There’s no real gimmick per se, and the contestants are interesting, but they’re not “characters” by any means. I’ve tried watching other baking shows where professional bakers make extravagant works of art, but they don’t hold my interest.

So why do I love this particular show so much? Is it Daniel Levy? Maybe. His puns are on point. Is it the delicious treats the contestants make? Also maybe. Did you know you can just make Digestive Cookies? Who knew? Is it the fact they’re just regular people with regular jobs and regular families who are passionate about their hobby? Perhaps. I see something very relatable in that. But I think the real reason I love it is because it’s so goddamn charming. It’s so disgustingly charming it makes me want to puke pure joy out of my nose. (Was that a charming way to describe that?) It’s a show about likeable people making wonderful treats, and while there is a modicum of tension, it is superfluous at best. (Will that souffle rise in time? Oh, I can’t stand the suspense!) At the end of the day, the Great Canadian Baking Show is incredibly warm and comforting, which is something I think we all need right now.

That said, I’m also re-watching the HBO Spawn cartoon, which is the exact opposite of the Great Canadian Baking Show in every possible way. So maybe “warm and comforting” isn’t the only thing I need right now.

So what have we learned? Probably nothing, other than I would really appreciate it if someone would bake some digestive cookies and leave them on my doorstep. That would be swell. Also, please ring the doorbell before you leave. I want to eat them as soon as possible.

Until next time!

PS: Did you notice that I used the words “modicum” and “superfluous” in the same sentence? And I’m 95% sure I used them in the correct context!

Hello again!

I have to start with an apology. Based on the title of this post you’re probably thinking that I’m going to give you some deep insight into what I’ve learned about myself while isolating from the rest of the world. I mean, what better opportunity is there to dig deep and truly understand who I am and, more importantly, why I am? Well, guess what? I didn’t do that. What I actually did was work from home and watch a bunch of viral pandemic-themed movies (not at the same time, I swear). Anyway, here are some (very important) things I’ve been thinking about since my family and I have been stuck indoors in a bid to avoid COVID-19:

1. Being forced to stay home during this viral outbreak and having OCD is a bad combination. Not because I’m afraid of getting sick, but because I have this nagging feeling that my kids are going to stomp around so much our entire house is going to collapse on itself.

2. I really want to watch the movie, Outbreak, but I’m not willing to pay $7 for a DVD copy. What does that say about me?

3. All I want to do when I’m home is eat. By the time this is all over, I wouldn’t be surprised if I gained more than 25 pounds.

4. Watching the movie Contagion during an actual pandemic is terrifying. They talk about not touching your face, washing your hands and social distancing (you know, all the stuff we hear on a daily basis now), but society still falls apart for a period of time.

5. I haven’t watched Outbreak in more than 10 years and I don’t remember much other than they have to find a monkey. Also, they want to nuke a small town?

6. Speaking of monkeys, did you remember that 12 Monkeys was about trying to stop a pathogen from killing almost all of humanity? I sure didn’t. What I did remember was that you get to see Brad Pitt’s and Bruce Willis’ butts!

7. Do you remember that scene from Cabin Fever where the girl is infected with the flesh melting virus and she decides to shave her legs, and even though she takes strips of skin off every time she shaves she keeps doing it? That scene makes no sense, but do you know how I know it works? Because I saw that scene 13 years ago and I still remember it like I just watched it yesterday.

8. Contagion is a fine film, but it isn’t nearly as good as I want to believe Outbreak is.

9. In an era of social distancing, why are there so many cars our visitor parking spots?

10. Coming up with a tenth thought is hard.

There you go. I hope you enjoyed these incredibly important thoughts that spilled out of my brain and found their way into your eyes.

Till next time!

Welcome back!

So what should we talk about? What topic is worthy of my superior blogging skills? Appropriate self-isolation protocols? COVID-19 transmission mechanisms? Stock market turmoil? Obviously I am an expert on all of these subjects (because I read about them on Twitter), but after much internal deliberation (almost 3 whole minutes!), I decided to pick up on a topic I started more than 4 years ago — Grayson, the Boy Wonder!

For those just joining us, Grayson is my 4-year-old son. You may think he’s named after the first Robin, Dick Grayson, but you’d be wrong. He’s actually named after the character Grayson from the show Cougartown (who, in the context of the show, was named after the first Robin, Dick Grayson). Anyway, let me catch you up on a few things about Grayson (my son, not the TV show character…although I could do that as well. I recently re-watched the first 3 seasons of that criminally underappreciated television program):

1. He is STILL hungry all the time. Also, he hums while he eats. He never stops eating. Or humming.

2. He will no longer pee on you, but he does like to “pee like a grown up”, so he will probably pee on your floor.

3. His farts continue to be comically loud.

4. He still has my wife’s eyes, but he no longer has my shoulder hair. Lucky guy.

Grayson has also developed quite the little personality. He’s a very sweet and kind soul, but he’s very emotional (as young ones tend to be). When he doesn’t get his way (which is usually the case when dealing with his older brother), it’s a recipe for disaster. For instance, winning at hide and seek is like winning the Superbowl, but losing is a fate worse than death. I see myself consoling him after many soccer games in the future.

His lists of likes and dislikes are expansive. His favourite things include giant hugs, play school (which he already misses) french fries, and his big brother, Fox. His least favourite things include going to bed, eating his dinner (unless it’s french fries), learning the alphabet, and his big brother, Fox (it’s a love/hate thing).

Well, that’s about it for now. I’m sure (err…hopeful) that I’ll be back with another post soon. Maybe it’ll be about Grayson next time (the character from Cougartown, obviously).

See ya soon-ish.

Hello everyone!

Obviously you’re all wondering one thing: Chris, what are your hot takes on this whole coronavirus thing? What do you think of all the misinformation being spread around? The highlighting of social injustices? The dwindling supply of toilet paper? I hate to break it to you, but I don’t have any hot takes. I don’t even have any luke-warm takes. What I do have are a couple things to share from my family’s time socially distancing ourselves from other people. To be honest, these last nine weeks were long, but we mana–huh? What’s that? It’s only been four days? Oh, God! When will this nightmare end?!?! I’m just kidding (mostly). We’ve managed just fine these past few days (mostly). I’m looking forward to spending a few weeks or more in the same immediate space as my kids (…).

Yes, we’re all stuck at home trying to avoid (and possibly spread) this nefarious virus. Now, my wife and I would be able to get through this with no problem at all (we would just watch every show and movie on Netflix, and maybe occasionally glance at each other to see if the other one is still awake), but what to do with two young children who get bored so easily? If it was up to me, I’d let Youtube raise my kids for the next three weeks (with parental controls off, of course. You know, to build character). Thankfully, my wife is here to make better choices. She’s set a schedule up for the kids to make sure they’re entertained and learn a thing or two! I, on the other hand, have done nothing but continually eat off-brand Ritz crackers.

Yesterday, Sarah and the kids started some sort of experiment that involves putting each end of a string in separate cups of water. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen, but I hope it turns into some delicious coffee. Not being able to leave my house has made me realize the coffee in my house sucks. What kind of president would choose this?*

We play a lot of games to pass the time. Soggy Doggy is a favourite of the children, mostly because it involves a rubber dog shaking and splashing water all over the place. I of course make it less fun because I won’t let the kids use real water (pretending improves a child’s imagination, I tell myself).  We also tried the Farting Pig game, which, as the name suggests, is an interactive re-imagining of the classic novel, Animal Farm.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say as things develop, but that’s it for now. I’ll see you all later. Not literally, of course. That could be bad for our health.

*Note: This is a joke. Please don’t get mad at me, Mr. President’s Choice, sir.