Our Wild Webster World

Life Moves On

2015-01-11T22:48:00.001-07:00

This will be my last post for this blog. Its been so long since I've posted anything I almost forgot I had the blog! I decided I needed to end it on a happy post and luckily for me, I can do just that.

I look back at the all the sad posts I wrote after Jonas died and I am not that person anymore. I have changed so much. I was sad. I was depressed. I was broken.

I. Am. Not. Broken.

I have found myself. I have goals and ambitions. I am pursuing a degree in social work at Weber State University and even with the stress of balancing three boys and school, I really do enjoy it. I have found joy in exercising and after two years of hard work I have lost 45 pounds! I look back and can't believe I had let myself go like that. Depression does so many rotten things to your body, mind and soul. Exercise has become a passion. It makes me happy and I love the way I feel.

The biggest turning point in my journey was when I began to date again. Since I met Jonas when I was 16, I really wouldn't say I was much of an experienced dater in the first place and having to start over at the age of 35 was really scary! I met an amazing man in January 2014 and I have fallen head over heels in love with him. He is wonderful man and he makes me so completely happy! Being loved by a partner is needed in our lives. We are not meant to be alone. I don't want to do it alone and I have found such great joy in being with Brad. Now...figuring out how to blend a family....that is rough!! One day...when we take that next step into marriage, maybe I will start a new blog. A blog on the craziness of a blended family. I look forward to that day with great anticipation. For now, we are getting to know each other and letting our kids get to know each other. Love is grand. Love is work...but it is worth it.

I am moving forward in this crazy journey called life and I am excited about my future. Life is so much better when you can say you are truly happy... and I am.

Just When You Think You Are Doing Better...

2013-11-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

You run into a brick wall. Yup. Things are going good, school is stressful, but you are managing and then bam. One event stops everything good that was happening.

Jack has been part of a TSH (thyroid) study since he was born. I agreed to do the study when I was pregnant with him because I had a low thyroid. Each year around his birthday I would take him in and they would do little IQ tests on him. The first three years the tests were located close to the University of Utah hospital, but not in the hospital. The last two have been IN the hospital. Last year I don't remember it affecting me. I remember having anxiety as I was driving up there, but once we got inside I was ok. This year everything bothered me. It was an awful, horrible day.

All I could think about on the way there this year was what I was thinking the day I drove to the hospital on February 22, 2011. Walking through the revolving doors, running to the elevator, the number 4 button on the elevator, the empty hospital beds in the hallway. I was getting sick. My chest was feeling tight, I couldn't breath, I felt light headed. It was awful! Once we got to the testing room I snapped out of my panic attack and pulled myself together while Jack got his testing done. Not really sure how I did that, but I did. We finished and came home and I was emotionally drained. I felt like I did in the those first weeks after Jonas died. Numb. I sat and stared at my window for hours, not really knowing what was going on around me. Not really thinking anything, just staring and feeling very alone and empty.

That had been a Saturday. By Monday I was feeling somewhat better and managed to work on homework. That event had thrown my entire weekend off. I didn't get any homework done, in fact, I got absolutely nothing done. By this time I was just really upset that I had let myself "lose" it and waste an entire weekend. I am too busy to have those meltdowns! But after talking to some people, they helped me realize that I am still going to have those messy days and that it's ok. My grief is not over. I have only had two Christmas' without my husband. One. Two. That is not very many. We count so many things in months...how many months until my birthday, how many months is your child, how many months until summer vacation...but grief is not counted in months, it is counted in years. One. Two. I still have a lot of grieving left to do!

My third Christmas without Joe is quickly approaching. One. Two. Three. That is not very many. I am not going to beat myself up because I am feeling sad and lonely again. I know I am in a better place than I was last year at this time. I am definitely moving forward. But sometimes I am going to go backwards. It's not going to be as far back as what it was in 2011 or 2012, but I will go back. I will be sad and very depressed, but it won't last as long, and then I will move forward again. Always searching for my new normal. Sometimes I feel I will be searching for this new normal forever. I am just going to keep hoping and praying that one day I will find my true happiness again and my new normal will just appear. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. Hope.

A Perfect Dream

2013-08-30T23:05:00.001-06:00

It had been a rough day. The night just got worse. I just needed and wanted someone to talk to. Not just anyone, I wanted my husband. I wanted him to ask me how my day was, I wanted to talk about our boys, I needed his opinion on my classes at school. I wanted to talk about Jack's first day at preschool and Sam and Ben's first day in 5th and 3rd grades, I wanted to show him I finally organized the junk drawer and tell him that when I vacuumed under the fridge earlier that day, I had found all our missing crayons and markers and that it was really disgusting. Things that no one else in the world cares about except your spouse. Some days are terribly lonely and I was aching to have someone to talk with, so instead I started crying and talking to myself. Now, I know people will say, "but he is with you, he can hear you, talk to him..." yadda yadda yadda.... yes, I know that, but I want him to talk back to me. I want to physically hear his voice. I was pleading to my Heavenly Father about this very thing on this night. I went to bed late, which made me more mad because I was planning to get up early to exercise.

My alarm went off at 5:00am. Nope. Turned that thing immediately off and went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:00am. Nope. Still too tired to exercise. Sam came into my room at 7:30 and I had just woke up for the third time. After laying there for a few minutes, I started to remember I had had the most wonderful dream. As I started to remember it, the details became more clear instead of getting fuzzy like they usually do when I try to remember my dreams...

Jonas was there. We were in the kitchen and he was getting ready to go to work. As he walked past me, I said "don't go, let's do something" and we started dancing. Just for a brief moment....I was laughing and smiling... then we were standing somewhere else... we were hugging and I had my head on his chest. I could really "feel" his body. I remember thinking, "I'm so glad you didn't die because I remember how much I missed touching you and I thought I would never get to touch you again." In my dream I was savoring every touch. I can still see my hand on his chest and really being able to "feel" his body. It was the craziest feeling when I woke up and remembered. Jonas had been there. I really felt his body and I can still remember how it felt. Of course, I cry every time I think about how it felt to touch him again and it has made me sad the past two days, but I am so thankful I had that dream. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. He still loves me and he watches over me everyday. I am blessed to have an angel constantly at my side. I'm pretty sure Jack knows his daddy is always with us because he tells me all the time that his daddy is here, but I needed the reminder, and I am so thankful it was in the form of a beautiful, wonderful dream.

When The Darkness Returns

2013-06-26T23:56:00.000-06:00

A run down of what has been going on...

Ben got baptized, I went to a fabulous LDS widow/widower conference in March that helped me tremendously, I went on some dates (yeah, that is a long blog for another day!), I started school, I have continued with my exercising and healthy eating quest and lost 30 lbs, Sam celebrated his 10th birthday, I got accepted into the social work program at Weber State, we celebrated one of the hardest holidays "Father's Day", and today is my would be 16th wedding anniversary.

I was doing great. I was having fun. I was feeling motivated. Then, it went away. And so the roller coaster continues!

Life is definitely an uphill battle. I know we all feel it and all have our individual struggles. Some people have very apparent and visible struggles like the loss of a loved one, health problems, or marital problems. Others have inward struggles with depression or anxiety or a number of other mental illnesses. Life is hard! Life is most the time unfair. So how do we get through this hard, unfair life we are all living?

I ask myself that question all the time. Last week I felt like I was in a very dark place again. I had been struggling with the stress of school, parenting a hard child all alone, missing Jonas, and just life in general. I slowly felt myself slipping back into darkness. That is the only way I can describe it. When you are happy you feel joy and light in your life. When you are sad and depressed you feel darkness. It is a horrible place to be. I did not want to get out of bed. I didn't care about anything and just wanted to sleep. That is another thing with depression, you are SO tired. It's the kind of tired you feel when you have been really sick. Every inch of your body is tired. Your mind is tired. You don't want to do anything but sleep. If you have felt the effects of depression you know what I mean. If you are feeling this type of depression right now, seek help! I knew I couldn't do it on my own. It was not possible. I spent some time writing down all the things going on in my head. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I talked to a really good friend that I knew could help me and I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I know without a doubt, the only way I was able to be pulled from that darkness was with the hand of God. He loves all of us so much. He is waiting for us to ask for help. He is ALWAYS there for us. How easily I forget Him when things are going good. How easily he forgives me when I need His help again. I hope to remember Him even in my good times so that He will always know how grateful I am for Him and His love for me and my children.

Although I am still feeling a little blue and really missing Joe today on our wedding anniversary, the darkness has definitely been lifted. I am going to once again keep pushing forward and hope my motivation and joy returns in full force really soon. I need it to...school is tough! :)

I have been taking my boys hiking with me. I love it.

They like it for awhile...until they are hot and tired!

Summer haircuts! I didn't recognize Jack for a few days,
I kept thinking it was Ben. Jack has never had short hair!
They are so handsome!

My handsome Ben on his baptism day

Pushing Forward

2013-03-06T22:43:00.001-07:00

Its been hard finding a desire to blog lately. I don't know why. Maybe I am finding I don't need the outlet as much as I used to or maybe I just don't make the time for it like I should. I thought a lot about doing a post for the second year anniversary which was February 22nd, but as you can see that did not happen. I still ask myself at times, "is this really my life?" "Did this really happen?" "Is Jonas really gone?" Maybe I will always ask those questions because honestly, it still doesn't feel real. I am still trying to find my new normal and still trying to accept my new life.

I have however, found something that is bringing me much joy. (Yes, I used the word joy.) I am exercising regularly again and I am loving it. Back in the days before kids I would exercise regularly and I really enjoyed it. But then, kids came, husband got sick, exercise got put away, and the thought of it did not sound fun at all. Even when I was training for my half marathon last spring I was not finding as much joy in exercise as I do now. Probably because I was doing it alone. I look forward to my class every morning and have met some really fun people there. Both Jack and I get excited to go see our friends everyday. He has made some friends in the daycare and loves going to see them.

I have also moved forward with pursuing my education. I got accepted to Weber State University and will start classes this summer. I am so excited to be in school again! I was originally going to start in the fall but am anxious to get going. I am actually looking forward to homework. I'll let you know how long that lasts once it starts. :)

We have adopted a new motto in our home. "I can do hard things." I make my kids say it whenever they want to give up on something. I make myself say it on a daily basis. Because life is hard. But you can't give up. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand" -Randy Pausch

I have been blessed to have amazing, inspiring people in my life. I couldn't get through this trial without them. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that helps me every step of the way. I am reading a great book right now called 'The Continuous Atonement' by Brad Wilcox. There are so many great thoughts in there. One of my favorites so far is, "When we are tempted to give up, we must remember God is long suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives."

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to move forward. Some days I can do it, some days I have to be carried by others. I am so thankful to everyone that helps carry me.

Finding Brittney

2012-12-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I was married very young. I was the ripe ol' age of 19 when I became Mrs. Webster. I started dating Jonas when I was 16, he went on a LDS mission when I was in high school and he returned home three months after I graduated. We started dating again and we got married a year later. I would like to think that I was wise beyond my years and that I had had many opportunities in life for growth and development of my talents and therefore I knew when I was 19 that I had learned enough in life to make the important decision about marriage. Yes, I would like to think I was that wise, but we all know I wasn't.

Hindsight is an annoying thing that sends my unfocused mind into turmoil on some days. In hindsight, (pre Feb. 22, 2011) I would often tell people that I had regrets about not finishing school before I got married and that finishing school first would have been the smart thing to do. Jonas would often agree with that since he was in school pretty much our entire marriage. Then, in hindsight, (post Feb. 22, 2011) I no longer had regrets of getting married when I was 19 before I finished school because that meant I was able to spend 14 years as Mrs. Webster. If we had waited we would have had much less time together. Now, in hindsight, (almost 2 years past Feb. 22, 2011) I am starting to realize that pretty much dating just one person and then marrying that person when I was 19 did not give me the chance to figure out who Brittney is/was. I did go to college and get my Associates degree at SLCC, but I was pregnant with Sam and a few weeks away from my due date when I graduated so that put an end to pursuing anything beyond that. So now that I am no longer "Mrs" Webster and I didn't have time to figure out who I was before I became Mrs. Webster I have no idea who Brittney is! What an awful horrible thought that at the age of 34....35 in a few weeks....that I don't know who I am! Seriously. Not only have I lost my spouse but I really feel like I have lost my identity. My other half is gone and he took the person I thought I was with him. Pretty stinky huh.

So what do you do when you feel like you don't know who you are anymore? Well, for one thing I cry about it a lot. Nope, not productive at all, but having pity parties for yourself sometimes makes you feel better. For awhile anyways. The last month or so I have had some serious thoughts about returning to school. Something I couldn't even bring myself to say the first year after Jonas died, but now it crosses my mind quite often. But then I start to second guess everything and my brain turns into a hurricane of thoughts that seriously make me feel crazy. At this point I really don't know if I should go back to school...I have so many things to figure out still....but, I kind of like the thought of having the chance to develop a skill that would allow me to do something I enjoy once my kids are all in school. Who knows.....maybe I would like this "new" Brittney that I didn't know was there. :)

Thankful

2012-11-24T21:49:00.001-07:00

I have been worried lately about how unthankful my children seem to be. It's a lot of pressure trying to raise these three (wild) boys on my own. I desperately want them to be gracious, thankful, kind, courteous, hard working and pretty much perfect human beings. Oh, alright, they don't need to be perfect. Just almost. ;)

I decided I better get my act together and set a good example for my kids and let them know how many things I am grateful for.

I am so incredibly thankful for my boys. I know I have said this a million times, but I could not get through each day without them. Each of them has had their turn at "carrying" me on hard days. Whether it be a hand written note laying on my bed, a hug, an "I love you mom", or all three of them coming to sleep with me during the night. They have all done small acts of kindness on a particularly hard day that has carried me through. I love each one of them so much. They are truly three of my greatest blessings.

I am blessed and thankful to have an amazing family. They also make it possible for me to get through my hard days. What a tender mercy it was that we moved back to West Bountiful only one mile from my parent's house. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful that I live so close to my family. I think they are pretty awesome. How lucky I am to have three sisters! I don't think any of us could make it through the week without each other. We count on each other way too much to be apart for very long. I really do have the best mom and dad in the world. I love them with all my heart. They are kind and unselfish and spend most of their time doing things for their kids and grandkids! I think they are pretty near perfect people.

I am blessed and thankful to have wonderful in-laws! I know there are so many people that struggle with the "dreaded in-laws" but, I couldn't be more thrilled to be part of the Webster family. When I married Jonas I gained another mom and dad, 2 sisters, and 2 brothers. Love that family! I am so thankful Joe has a brother that my kids can look up to. Their uncle Ty is the closest link they have to their daddy. I hope they will always stay close to him. Sadly, Ty has been left with the huge responsibility of being the "dad" figure to 5 nephews and 1 niece! Joe's sister's husband died in 2002 leaving her with three children. Kathy and Denny will have 9 grandchildren in March of 2013 and only three of them will have their daddy here on earth. So so sad. I adore my sister-in-laws, Melissa and Mandi. We have so much fun together. I wish it could be more often but, I cherish the times we get to be together. I know Jonas dearly loved his parents and held them on a high pedestal. He always spoke kindly about them and was always so grateful for them. I am blessed to call them my family. I miss Melissa's husband Jesse and am so thankful I knew him. You were a better person for knowing Jesse.

I am so thankful for my nieces and nephews! Just thinking about them makes me happy! I love each one of them so much. Joe's sister has Jordan, Davin, and Briauna. Joe's brother has Mayci, Jayden, and baby girl on the way. My sister Heidi has Chloe, Ella, and Cole. My sister Katie has Kaleb and Karson. My sister Sandy has Jayci and baby girl on the way. Each one of those kids has a special place in my heart. I am also so grateful for my brother-in-laws. The way they take time to include my boys in their outings with their kids, the way they play with them and teach them things. I hope they know how much I appreciate that and how much it means to me. You are good good men.

I live in a really good neighborhood. I know I was meant to live here in this particular area because of the good people I am surrounded by everyday. I love my friends and neighbors and am so grateful for all of them. I have friends that I grew up with that still check up on me and keep me happy. What would us girls do without our girls nights out?!?

I have a group of widow friends that mean the world to me. I think about the way we met at an LDS Widows Conference in March 2012 and I know it was meant to be. We need each other. We really couldn't do this without each other. Love, love, love my widow widows. :) There are 26 kids between us ranging in ages 19 to 4. Lots of little ones without their daddy's but, we all know how blessed we are to have these children in our lives.

I am of course, so thankful and grateful for my wonderful husband. He worked so hard for us. Everything he did was to make a better life for us. He had a tender heart that I got to see each time he was with his boys. He loves them so dearly. I know it's probably so hard for him to not be physically here with them but, what an amazing blessing they get to have their daddy with them everyday everywhere they go.

I am grateful for my religion and that I believe what I do. I am thankful it gives me hope everyday that I will see Jonas again. That we will be a family for eternity. Hope and faith are what give me my greatest strength.

DON'T YOU GIVE UP.

DON'T YOU QUIT.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead...

It will be all right in the end.

Trust God

and believe in

good things to come.

-Jeffery R. Holland-

Playin' Catch Up

2012-10-21T23:10:00.001-06:00

I feel like I spend almost every day of my life playing catch up. Catching up on laundry, dishes, and house cleaning. Catching up on homework, lessons, and paying bills. Catching up on reading, sleeping, and writing on my blog. Catching up on PTA responsibilities, church responsibilities, and just plain life! Several months ago, I realized (or more like accepted), the fact that most of these things will never be officially "caught up" on. There will always be more laundry, more dishes, more bills to pay, more homework, etc. So I have been trying to think of all my responsibilities as something that needs to be done on a daily basis. I will NEVER be caught up on my to do list. BUT, the problem comes when I go more than a day or two without working on my to do list. If I miss doing laundry for more than a few days we will be in need of socks or underwear in the morning and I will be frantically looking for a clean pair for my boys to wear to school that day. Or, if I miss doing my dishes at night (which, honestly, that happens pretty much every night) Then I have to wake up to sink full of dirty dishes and that never starts my morning off good. Or, if I slack off on doing my PTA or church responsibilities I will be up late the night before its due getting it done. So, as with everything else in life, it's about finding that wonderful thing we call "balance". In my case, balance between accepting that I will never be caught up on my to do list and actually working on my to do list in a timely manner so that I can function without feeling too much stress. Yes, "balance" could very well be the key to a happy, productive, stress free life. :) Too bad I have such a hard time finding it! So, on with my catch up...err....weekly responsibility....

On August 25th I ran/walked the Top of Utah half marathon. It was a good experience and I am so glad I had two dear friends with me to help push me along. It was really hard! I have never been so sore in my entire life! Thinking about the three or four days after the marathon makes me cringe. I remember slowly and painfully getting out of bed the next morning and staring down at my stairs. I did not know how I would get down them. I finally just had to walk down backwards. Every move I made hurt and yet, I am still putting it in the "good" experience category. It was a beautiful run and I was really proud of myself for finishing. I would have liked to be faster and not pushing myself the last mile to stay ahead of the 70+ year old granny that was keeping pace with me, but I did cross before her...maybe by a minute or two. If you can envision a tanned leathery skinned 70+ year old lady, running in a cute little white jogging skirt with a matching tank top and sun visor and me trying to pass her and stay ahead of her the last mile I am sure you will give yourself a laugh. I make myself laugh thinking of it now. That granny was tough! My hat goes off to her and how in shape she still is. She is amazing. Maybe I said I would run it again next year or maybe I now realize how hard it really was and am not sure if I can do it again. Time will tell. :) I honestly have the greatest family. They treated me like I had just raced and won a full marathon. I got hand made pictures from my boys and nieces when I got home. Ben had picked some vegetables from my sisters garden and they were sitting on a note that said, "you deserve this". It was so sweet! The picture Sam drew for me had me winning the race and my legs were running REALLY fast. All their drawings were so sweet. Then they thought I needed a party so we went to my mom's for a BBQ and I was the "guest of honor". My sister had decorated the driveway with chalk saying they were proud of me. They even gave me a little gift. Seriously! They treat me like royalty. I love them so much!

On September 4th school started and I now have three kids in school! Sam is in 4th grade, Ben is in 2nd grade, and Jack is in preschool. Could they be any cuter! Sure do love my boys!

On September 19th my baby boy turned four! He is such a blessing in my life. He makes me smile and laugh every day and I know I could not get through this time in my life without him. The morning of his birthday he said to me in an excited voice, "mom! I had a dream bout daddy!" I asked him what daddy was doing in the dream and Jack said he was just there. Jack then said that his daddy missed him. I said, "he must have come to tell you happy birthday" and Jack said, "marbee" (Jack's word for probably) and then ran off to play. It touched my heart that he was able to remember that dream on such a special day. Jack loves anything his brothers love. He adores Sam and Ben and wants to do everything they do. Jack is already really good at xbox (thanks to Sam) and really good at building legos (thanks to Ben). He loves riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline, playing with his cousins, and drinking milk. Milk is by far his favorite food. (Yes, Jack thinks it qualifies as breakfast, lunch, and dinner). I really do try and limit his intake of milk but it makes him so happy. I had told him when he turns four he couldn't have milk in a sippy cup anymore. Well, since turning four I have yet to enforce the rule, so when he is drinking milk he says, "oops mom, I am four now" and goes back to drinking his milk. When there are many worse things than drinking milk out of a sippy cup I think I will save this fight/struggle for a bit longer. He loves Tom & Jerry, George, Scooby Doo, Mickey Mouse Club House & Little Einsteins. Besides milk, he likes toast, pizza, spaghetti, mac n cheese, and hotdogs. He loves treasure boxes and keys and is really good at coloring and drawing. He has the best facial expressions and brings our family so much joy.

On September 29th we headed to Disneyland! We drove there with my mom and dad. My dad did the driving and I got to hang out in the back with my boys. I spent the first couple of hours reading books to Jack. He LOVES being read to and never seems to tire of it. When we got to Provo Jack said, "this is taking long". I just continued reading to him and he seemed to forget how long it was taking. We spent the first night in Las Vegas and they were of course really excited to swim. The next day we made it to Anaheim and went to the beach. I love the ocean. It reminds me of Jonas. He would have loved playing with his boys in the ocean. All three of them were loving the waves. Jack would get knocked over by a huge wave and jump up and say, "that was awesome!" Ben and Jack had a great time collecting seashells and Sam pretty much never left the waves. We had a really fun time there.

Papa and Sam

My boys have a very special papa. He loves to play with them!

On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we were in Disneyland and California Adventure. It was a little on the hot side. I'm talking like 97 degrees and very humid! Starting at 9AM I could feel the sweat rolling down my back. Gotta love that California weather. It was also really busy because of the new Cars Land opening (which is absolutely amazing) and Mickey's Halloween Party on Tuesday night. We didn't pick the most ideal week to go, (that rarely happens) but we still had a lot of fun and made some great memories. Jack was my first child to agree to wait in the princess line with me. We waited for 35 minutes for Cinderella, Snow White, and Aurora. When we got through the line three more princesses came out (Tiana, Belle, and Ariel) and Jack ran back in line and said "more princesses mom!" So we waited in line for another 35 minutes. Every princess we went up to Jack pretended to faint and layed down on the ground with his tongue sticking out. He gets very silly and goofy around pretty girls. :) Jonas would be proud! Sam and Ben were so brave this year! They tried so many rides that they were too scared to go on in 2011. It was so much fun going on big rides with them and it really made me miss Jonas. He would have loved to be there with us and experience Sam and Ben being brave.

My boys are sure lucky to have their Grammie!

This was the last day...they were hot and tired,
but Jack was still able to pull a goofy face for the picture

Jack gave a big hug to every character he saw

My sister in law Melissa and her kids moved to California in July. We were so excited they were able to spend a day with us in Disneyland! We sure miss them!

Jack being goofy with the pretty princesses

Coming home from vacations always brings a big emotional crash for me. I really hate coming back to reality. Reality is hard. I can totally understand and empathize with those who run from reality. It would be so much easier! So, to put it mildly, I had a melt down late Saturday night and pretty much cried all day Sunday. I still miss Jonas so much and desperately want to touch and hold him again. The more time that passes the more sad I become for my boys. They are missing out on so much by not having their dad here with them. So many special memories were supposed to be made with their dad during their childhood. Let alone those teenage years where they would be so much more comfortable talking to their dad about things. I continue to try and be positive for them though and pray every day that they will be happy and remember the good times they had with their dad. I know he is with them spiritually and I hope and pray they will be able to feel his presence. We miss you Joe!

Love my mom and dad so much!

My three greatest blessings

My Avengers! Go get em' boys!

The Last Day

2012-08-11T16:09:00.000-06:00

I have finally decided that I need to write about my last day with Jonas. It haunts me. I am hoping that by writing about it I can move past the pain and not remember all the regret I have of that day. Many of my memories of that day are vague and blurry. It seems so dream like, but I will try and make sense of it. My dear family...don't read this if you are not ready to hear the details about that most awful day.

The regret starts with February 21st when I left the hospital early. My mom had told me earlier in the day that Jack was having a really hard day and missing me more than normal. I decided that since Jonas hadn't really been awake much that day that I would leave about 3:30 instead of my usual 6:00. Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I have "a feeling" that I should stay and spend more time with him? I get so angry with myself for leaving that night. I should have stayed and held his hand all night.

Regret #2. My mom asked if I was going to the hospital first thing in the morning like I usually did. I told her that since we were having a meeting with the doctors at 4:00 that I would go in around 2:00 and spend the morning with Jack. I would usually try and get there before 10:00 so that I could talk with the doctors during their rounds, but since I would be seeing them at 4:00, I figured I didn't need to rush. Why didn't I go in? Where was that "feeling"? I absolutely hate myself for not going to the hospital at 9:00 like I normally did.

I don't want to sound like I am angry that I spent time with Jack. I know he needed me and that he was having a really hard time with me being gone so much. But I think he would have been fine without me for 24 more hours. Just 24 hours...I left the hospital around 3:30 on the 21st...Joe died at 3:30 on the 22nd...

Jack and I had just finished watching Cinderella (his current favorite at the time), it was 11:25 and my cell phone rang. It was Joe's mom, Kathy. Why the nurse called Kathy and not me I will never know. I was so upset that the nurse had done that. But that doesn't bother me anymore. I got the message and that's all that matters. I know Kathy felt bad that the nurse had called her first. It wasn't her fault and I love Kathy dearly. I was just irrational at the moment. Kathy said, "Brit, the nurse just called and said Joe's heart rate is dropping and they are having a hard time getting it to stay up. She said we should go in to give him support and see if us being there will get his heart rate to stay up..." "OK", I said. "I have to go" click.

My mom was bringing Ben home from Kindergarten. I called her panicked and on the verge of hysterics. She was going to drop Ben off at her house and then come to get Jack so that Ben wouldn't see me like I was. She got there really fast and I flew out the door saying I would call her.

The drive to the University Hospital was awful. It took forever. I sobbed the entire way there.

When I got to the hospital I saw my sister in law's mom (who works at the hospital) just getting off the elevator. She had been upstairs to check on Joe and saw what was going on. She saw me running towards the elevator and came up with me knowing it wasn't good. I remember being so panicked in the elevator. It wasn't going fast enough. Then someone held the door for someone else to get on. I was shaking and saying "come on, come on". We stopped at the 3rd floor.....why! This is taking too long! We got to the 4th floor. I ran out of the elevator and rounded the corner to the hall Joe's room was in. His room was at the end of the hallway. There were so many doctors and nurses standing outside his room. Oh no, I thought....this is not good. I ran down the hall and into his room, my focus on Joe. He was laying there with monitors attached to him. A crash cart in the room. More doctors and nurses inside his room. I remember one of the female doctors had tears in her eyes. They all looked so worried and sad. "Joe" I said. "I am here, I am here, I am here." I remember just dropping my purse right by his bed. I held his hand. He was moaning. It is a haunting moan. I will never forget the moaning he was making every time he breathed out. They tried several times to get his heart rate to stay up. They would give him medicine and it would go up, only to drop down a minute later. I remember staring at the heart rate monitor attached to the bottom of his bed. It would go up and I would feel calm. Only a minute or two later it would go back down. "This is not supposed to be happening...we have a meeting at 4:00 to plan what we would do if it ever came to this....the doctors said there was no hurry for the meeting...just something they like to do so that there is a plan...what is going on....no one warned me about this...no one told me this might happen today...why wasn't I here at 9:00...I could have said good-bye if I had been here at 9:00 or even 10:00" ...I think things started to go downhill for him about 10:30, but I am not positive about that.

They wheeled him out of his room. He had not been able to talk to me. I remember seeing Joe's sister Melissa walking down the hall. She was crying. I was in shock. We walked to ICU with him. He was still doing his moan breathing. I was still staring at the heart rate monitor at the bottom of his bed. The two people taking him to ICU got lost. We missed the hallway to turn to ICU. What the crap?! My husband needs to get there now! We turned around and went down the correct hallway. They took him into a room.

Regret #3. The doctors said we needed to leave while they did some testing or whatever it is they do in ICU. I should have DEMANDED to stay. I should have said, "He is my husband! I am not leaving his side!" Why wasn't I forceful about that? Why did I just obediently walk out and go to the waiting room? My husband was dying! I should have never ever ever left him!

Melissa and I sat down in the waiting room. I started crying.

I remember Kathy and Denny (Joe's mom and dad), Tyler and Mandi (Joe's brother and sister in law), my mom, and Joe's grandma all getting to the waiting room at some point. I feel like we were in the waiting room for hours. I remember conversations were going on. Light ones. No one really daring to talk about what may be happening in the ICU. We were just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. The neurologist finally came into the waiting room to find me (of course I had finally been brave enough to use the restroom....knowing they would come and get me the second I did). My mom told him where I was and he told her to send me into the ICU when I got back. My mom came and found me and I rushed into the ICU. Things are even more vague and blurry in my mind at this point.

I walked in and he was hooked up to so many monitors. They had put a blood pressure monitor in him so they could get constant readings. He was laying there with his eyes closed not really responsive. The doctor said, "Jonas needs a breathing tube and pace maker in order for him to keep living. I am under the impression you want me to do everything possible to save his life?"

Regret #4. I should have screamed. "YES!" Save my husband! Do everything possible! Don't let him leave me! Please, please, please save my husband! Instead I just looked at him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what Jonas would want. I can't make this decision. I can't make simple decisions let alone major ones. I knew Jonas didn't want to live in the condition he had been in...I knew that the day we filled out a power of attorney form I asked what I should do if it came to the point that I had to make a decision, he said "well, just let me go," but it was said carelessly without much thought. He was out of it and I don't know if he was serious or just being sarcastic.

I told the doctor, "I don't know". He asked me if there were other family members here that could help me. I said "yes", and walked out the door to get them.

Regret #5. Why didn't I just make the decision myself? The scene in the ICU room was horrific. I will never get the images or sounds out of my head of people crying, doctors hovering, no one knowing what decision to make, me and Kathy trying to get Jonas to tell us what he wanted. It is a heart breaking, wretched memory. Family members were telling Joe they loved him and I think he was trying to mumble the words I love you back to them. I don't remember if he said it to me, but I talked to Joe's sister in law Mandi about it a few months later and she assured me that he said he loved me and that he never took his eyes off me. She said he was just intently staring at me. I wish so desperately I could remember that. If I would have just told the doctor I wanted some time with Jonas before I went and got his family, maybe I could have got a response from Joe. There wouldn't have been so much confusion. Maybe he would have been able to communicate his wishes to me. I am so angry at myself for the way I let things spiral out of control. Why didn't I take the time to talk to him alone? Why do I always need people to help me make decisions? Am I not an adult that can do things on my own? Obviously not. Maybe this would have been my chance to say good-bye to him. Instead I brought everyone in and it was pure chaos. I didn't get my good-bye.

At one point during the confusion and chaos, Kathy and I were trying to get Jonas to make the decision. Kathy said, "do you want to go home Joe?" He spoke the only words that I distinctly remember . "Yes, mom. Lets go." He said it pretty forcefully too. I think he could feel all the tension and horror going on in the room. But we still didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. What did Jonas mean? Was he talking about our home in West Bountiful? Or was he talking about his Heavenly home? Was he really saying he was ready to leave this earth?

My saving grace was when one of Joe's liver doctors came into the room. He had been watching us trying to get Jonas to decide what to do. He was witnessing the chaos and horror we were feeling. He came over to us and said. "This is fruitless. Jonas is a very very sick man. Even if we put a pace maker in him he still has so many other health problems. His liver is failing." I felt this thousand pound weight being lifted off my shoulders. I breathed a sigh and said, "OK, we won't go ahead with the procedure".

Regret #6. Why did I say that?

I am not sure in what order the next events happened, but I only remember bits and pieces starting from this moment.

I remember one of the doctors telling me that Jonas would probably die later that night or early the next morning. I remember sitting next to Jonas on a chair, laying my head on his stomach just sobbing. I remember hearing the sounds of Tyler and Mandi crying. I remember seeing Melissa and Kathy crying. I know Denny was having a really hard time with the decision that was made, it wasn't until Dr. Hutson came in and talked to us that he felt a little more at peace with it.

Dr. Hutson was Joe's liver doctor and the one we had been seeing for the past few months in clinic. We all thought very highly of him and knew he was very well respected and the best liver doctor in Utah. He had been in clinic and had heard that Jonas was in the ICU and wasn't going to make it. He left clinic as soon as he heard and came up to see Joe in ICU. He talked with us for a bit and was stroking Joe's head telling us what a warrior he was. He told us that it was Joe's time and that putting in the pace maker and breathing tube would not save him. He was too sick of a man.

At one point my mom had everyone leave the room so that I could be alone with Joe. I don't remember for sure, but it seemed like only a few minutes that I was alone with him and then a doctor came in. Regret #7. Why didn't I demand more time alone with him? During the few minutes I had with him I remember telling him I loved him and that I would be strong for him and the boys. I remember singing a song into his ear. I remember the song I sang, but I will keep that to myself. Jonas wasn't speaking at all at this point. I don't think he was even trying. His eyes were closed and his body was quiet...for the moment. I don't remember what the doctor said when he walked in, but I remember he left and then Melissa came in crying and said, "they told us to come and say our good-byes." After that I just layed my head on Joe's stomach again and cried. I remember hearing Joe's family saying good-bye to him, but I only have small flashes of memories of that.

As I was laying on Joe crying I remember that his breathing started to get noisy again. The moaning started and I felt like he was in pain. Like he was struggling to breath. I remember seeing my mom walk into the room and I told her to tell the doctors to get him something. He was in pain. He needed help. A nurse came in and gave him morphine. Before it kicked in I remember saliva and blood coming out of Joe's mouth. I remember his eyes being opened and the haunting look of his jaundice eyes. His eyes were huge. They were a dark yellow and they looked hollow. He was not there. His eyes at that moment will forever be etched in my memory. A memory I wish I didn't have. When I am remembering this day, I always have flashes of yellow eyes, blood and drool, moaning, and crying. When the pain medicine kicked in he relaxed and I remember the nurse wiping the blood from his mouth. I was alone in the room again except for the nurse. I don't know when that happened. I don't remember what I was doing. I think I was stroking his hand. I remember asking the nurse if he was gone. She said almost. A few minutes later she said, "he is gone." It was 3:30 on February 22, 2011.

I remember soon after that Melissa walked in and said, "Is he gone?" I just nodded my head. I remember the family coming back in. I was numb. I was in shock. I remember that I wanted to get home and talk to my boys before anyone else told them. My mom called her house and told my sisters to try and act normal. Don't let the boys know what happened. I remember my dad getting to the hospital and me hugging him. I wasn't crying. I was numb. I didn't understand what had happened. The doctors thought it would take so much longer for him to go. They had no idea he would die on this day. They didn't know what had caused it. They were just as shocked as us. He went so fast. Faster than anyone had anticipated. I remember talking on the phone to the eye donor foundation. "Yes, you can have his eyes". They asked so many questions. I don't know how I got through that. I think shock was helping me. I remember talking to Joe's lung doctor (he had come in earlier to say good-bye to Jonas). He came back to ask if they had permission to do an autopsy. Of course I said yes. I was desperately wanting answers. I remember sitting next to Joe until his body started to get cold. It got cold so fast. I remember leaving with my dad. Regret #7. Why did I leave so soon? Why didn't I stay there until they kicked me out? Why did I leave my husband? I should have stayed there holding him until I was forced to leave. I made so many stupid decisions on this day. I remember walking down the hall, back into the elevator, back out to the parking lot. Things were so surreal. Was this really happening? Was this a dream? I remember getting in my dads car and a few minutes later feeling like I was going to throw up. A wave of nauseousness hit me. I remember texting my friends letting them know what happened. Why I did that in a text I will never know. I obviously wasn't thinking.

My dad dropped me off at home and then went back to his house to get my boys. He brought them in and then left. He knew I wanted to be alone with them. The first thing Sam said to me when he walked in was, "mom, a girl at school today told me our daddy was going to die." I wanted to scream, "of course he won't die! He is a fighter. He has overcome so many illnesses and has always gotten better. Of course he won't die!" I just said, "she shouldn't say things like that to you." I told them to come and sit by me on the couch. Jack was drinking his milk. Ben was next to me. Sam was on the couch across from me. I told them that their daddy was a warrior. That he was so strong. That he loved them so much and that he was so proud of them. It's strange, but the night before I had been talking to them about their uncle Jesse that had died on February 11, 2002. We had talked about where he was and what happened to him. So I reminded them about their uncle Jesse and that he was up in Heaven with Jesus. I then told them that their daddy was up in Heaven too. That he had died and he wouldn't be coming back home. Sam and Ben started crying. Jack had no idea what was going on. He just looked nervous. I just sat on the couch hugging my sobbing 5 year old. My 7 year old didn't want to be held. He just stayed on the opposite couch crying. It was a heart wrenching, horrible scene. It was the worst day of our lives. There was nothing peaceful about it. I only felt confusion, anger, numbness, and shock. Will I ever be at peace with that day? The pain of that day is not as sharp anymore. I think I am good at blocking it out. Even as I write this I have distanced myself from the memories so that I don't think too deeply about them. If I dwell on the details that replay in my head I go to a very dark place. A place that is hard to climb out of. I plan on writing about the days leading up to the funeral but will do it another time. Even though I have not dwelled too much on the details of that day it has still been draining to write it. Hopefully one day this will be the start of healing for me on that most awful day.

Life and Death

2012-07-12T22:23:00.002-06:00

I often wonder what my husband is doing on the other side. Is he busy? Is he happy? Does he miss us? Does time move as slow for him and it does for me? Does he see me crying for him? Is he watching his boys grow up? Does he see the look on their faces when they are missing their daddy? Did he come to Sam's 9th birthday party? I feel like he was there with us...was that just me wishing it so desperately that I feel like he was? So many questions! So many questions with no answers. The only answer we get to have is one of faith. Faith that he is there on the other side waiting for me, faith that he is with us and watches over us, faith that he is happy and that we will be happy together again. Faith is not an easy thing. But when it's the only thing I get, I am going to cling to it. Cling to it with all my might. I need to have faith that he is with me....otherwise I would not be able to get through each day. When big events happen....birthdays...anniversaries...I miss him so desperately. I want to be able to share those milestones with him. I tend to get very depressed and have a hard time climbing back out of my dark hole. The month of June was especially hard and I have been missing him with every ounce of my soul. I just want to touch him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want him to hold me and never let go. I want to hold his hand and kiss his lips. Gosh! I miss him! My heart and soul ache for him. Some of the things that I didn't get to share with Jonas during the month of June were... (and I mean I didn't get to share physically, not spiritually....because he probably was there.)

May 30th. The birth of my sweet nephew. Karson Glen Wood. My sister Katie and her husband Kyle invited me to be in the room for the birth of Karson. It was amazing. Truly miraculous. Seeing Karson come into the world was so tender and beautiful. My sister wanted me there because she said she really felt like Joe was the last person Karson was with before he came to earth. She feels like Joe was holding his hand before he came to be with us. I held Karson's hand right after he was born. I hope it was the hand Joe had been holding!

June 15th. Sam's 9th birthday. I can't believe I have such a grown up son! He is handsome and charming. Tender and sweet...mixed in with a little ferociousness! He is my tender heart that cares about every living creature. He loves to play make believe and has an awesome imagination. He has the best smile and gives great hugs! He likes the role of being the protector of his two younger brothers (when he isn't teasing them!) He loves the UTES (just like his daddy) so naturally his favorite color is red. He loves to play xbox and jump on the trampoline. He is a great swimmer and an awesome soccer player. I am so blessed to have him as my son!

It was so much fun watching Sam open his presents. He LOVED every single one of them and was so animated and excited about everything he got. He made all of us feel like it was our birthday too.

June 17th. Father's Day. Yeah, that is a hard day. Not really much to talk about. It was sad...

June 26th. Our 15th wedding anniversary. My second one spent without Jonas. I spent the morning at the temple with two of my dear widow friends. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Hard days are more bearable with them. We went to lunch after and had a great time chatting the afternoon away. I took three of the most handsome boys ever to dinner with me later that evening. We went to Texas Roadhouse and they loved it! Ben loves loves steak and when he took a bite of his steak at dinner that night he pretended to pass out because it was so good. He is so funny! We came home and watched cartoon episodes of Avengers and ate popcorn and icecream. Since I didn't get to spend the day with Joe, I am so glad I got to spend it with my boys. I sure love them! This anniversary was going to be an extra special one. Joe and I had been talking about taking a trip for our 15th anniversary. We were going to go to Washington DC. I kind of feel jipped! Anyone want to take me?? ;)

June 20th-24th. Our annual trip to the Homestead in Midway. We eat, swim, play games, watch movies, swim some more, and eat lots more! It's great! The kids love it and the parents are exhausted by Sunday. Good times, but always missing Joe.

It's a good thing my boys have uncles that are willing to throw them in the air and wrestle in the water with them. I sure can't do it...believe me....I tried! They are heavy!

We have also been to the Taylorsville Dayz parade with the Webster's, fireworks at West Bountiful park, a BBQ and fireworks with friends, and many other summer activities. All without Joe. Or maybe he was there... I sure wish I could see him though! So as we go through our daily lives, living and moving forward, we are still missing Joe and wishing he was here with us. Lucky for us, even in death, he IS here. I just have to hold onto the faith and knowledge that I know we will see him again. Even if it is a really really long time away.

Busy May, Tired Mom...

2012-06-03T17:36:00.000-06:00

May was really busy! I am looking forward to those lazy days of summer....oh, wait....three boys....three boys....lazy summer.....yeah, that doesn't really go together!

Sam is an awesome soccer player! I love watching him play! He loves playing defense and he is really good at it.

Ben is also an awesome soccer player! I love how he is not afraid to get in there and go after the ball! He is tough out there.

Ben decided to do baseball this year and has improved so much over the season. He hit his first home run a few weeks ago and I was sure proud of him! Way to go, Ben!

Ben also takes tumbling and boys hip hop. He had a performance on May 19th and I love watching him perform! He is made for the stage. During practice he doesn't put his whole heart into it, but give him a stage and an audience and he rocks! He is such a good dancer.

Sam had his third grade program and I just have to say that he was so handsome up there! He was really getting into it and was having lots of fun. I even got teary eyed at one point...all the third graders did such a good job.

Sam earned his Wolf in scouts! I was so proud of him and I know his daddy was too. He was so excited to receive it. He talked about it all week and kept asking if "today was the day he got his Wolf badge." He is such a sweetheart! I am excited he gets to be in Bears with me in a few weeks!

This is what you could find Jack doing during our busy month of May...

Just smiling and being my cute Jack Jack!

We made time for roasting marshmallows and enjoying the beautiful sunsets. I sure love my boys!

I was also in charge of teacher appreciation week at the elementary school. That was a lot of work! I had awesome people to help me though and it ended up being a fun week for everyone. West Bountiful Elementary teachers are SUPER HEROES! I went on the first grade field trip to the zoo. There were thousands of first graders wandering the zoo. It was just a little crazy!

I also helped with the third grade field day. We walked to the park from the school, played games at the park all afternoon, and walked back to the school. I was so tired! I almost wanted to whine along with all the third graders about walking back in the heat!

My wonderful neighbor built some garden boxes for me and he also helped get the dirt into them. Hopefully I can repay him with some yummy veggies I planted last week. Here's to hoping they actually grow! (Last year's garden wasn't so successful.) I finally planted my flowers in the rock retaining wall that got finished last summer. It was Joe's idea to put it there and it looks beautiful. Jonas would have loved it. My other wonderful neighbor helped me paint Jack's room. He has a really cute room now and he loves it! I am surrounded by awesome people that are always so willing to help me. Thank you! We appreciate all of you so much!

Beautiful Mothers

2012-05-13T23:24:00.000-06:00

There are so many mothers that I admire and look up to. So many wonderful mothers out there that I can learn so much from. There's my dear widow friends whom I respect a great deal and couldn't do this "widow" thing without them. There's single mothers working full time to support her family. There's the mothers that bake amazing cakes for their children's birthdays, mothers that always have their laundry done and their house clean, mothers that read to their children every night, make crafts with their children, and play games with their children. There's the mothers that always have their makeup on and their hair done, mothers that volunteer at the school and mothers that cook dinner every night. There's talented mothers that can sew, decorate their home beautifully, and seem to find time for everything. There's mothers that are enduring heartache and pain from watching their children suffer with sickness or special needs. Yes, there are all kinds of amazing mothers out there.

Now, I may or may not posses some of those qualities and abilities I mentioned, but I want you to know that whether or not you have one or none of those qualities, You. Are. Amazing. You are a mother in this day and age for a reason. You are strong, beautiful, and determined. You want the best for your children and that makes you the best mom ever. I hope we can all learn from, teach, and help each other. We need each other. We need to stick together. Our children are growing up in hard times. There's so much "bad" in the world. Mothers need to band together to protect their children. We need to teach our children kindness, love, and tolerance. I, for one, am scared for what my children will face in the future. I am so grateful and thankful for all the other mothers in the world that can teach and help me know how to raise my boys. I am especially thankful for my own wonderful mother. You mom, are amazing.

Happy Mother's Day Beautiful Moms!

Random Thoughts.

2012-04-08T00:42:00.000-06:00

I have been struggling with what to blog about lately. Since I finished Joe's medical history I haven't felt like blogging. I am also really trying to get to bed on time and its hard to find time to blog if I am not staying up until one or two in the morning! Yup...it's 12:35 and I am blogging. I guess my goal of going to bed on time isn't happening tonight.

I am sad about not having Joe here for Easter (again) and I guess I don't feel like blogging once again about how crappy I feel. You have all heard it, right?! I feel like I should be blogging about positive things that make you all think I am "making it" on this journey of mine and I am not only "making it," but I am doing it with a positive attitude that inspires people around me. (Insert sarcastic laughing).

I have been trying to keep up with my running. The past two weeks have not been as productive as I would like, but I am not giving up (yet). I hope that once the kids are back in school on Monday I will be back on a regular running schedule. I really do enjoy running and hope that my knee allows me to continue.

We had a really fun and busy spring break. We had days at the park, good times with friends, and fun days with family. Oh, look...that was a positive thing! I guess I will end on that note and go to bed. :)

Happy 7th Birthday Ben!

2012-03-14T18:02:00.001-06:00

A little bit about Ben...

He still loves legos!

He is an AWESOME hip hop dancer!

He enjoys shooting guns

and joining Jack in climbing on things...

He likes lots of different colors, his favorite food is steak, and his favorite sports to play are soccer and baseball. He said he also likes tennis and football, but he hasn't played either of them. He is really smart in math and figuring out how to build things. The other day he said, "mom, I know what 45 + 45 is...it's easy... 40+40=80, 5+5=10, and 80+10=90...easy huh! His brain thinks like his daddy's! He figures out math problems like that all the time. He is also a great reader and loves playing with his friends. He loves to tease his brothers, but there are times when his caring nature shines through. When Jack is hurt or upset about something I have seen Ben make sure he takes care of him and makes sure Jack is having fun. He is a sweetheart.

We had a fun bowling birthday party with his friends on Saturday

And another fun party with family on Sunday!

Chloe is taking one for the team. She is such a good sport!

(notice how Ben is pushing Jack away so he won't blow out his candles)

Happy Birthday buddy! We sure love you!

Warning! It's A Pity Party!

2012-03-11T23:33:00.001-06:00

Ever since Joe's angel day I have really struggled to be happy and wanting to do much of anything. I wish it weren't so easy to slip into this "I don't care about anything" mode. I get tired of being there and I don't want to be there, but it is really really hard to snap out of it!

The last several weeks I have found myself feeling more anger. Anger about the weekend showing up every 7 days...I no longer look forward to weekends. I dread them. I can handle the week pretty good with the rush of school and lessons, but the weekends are tough. I miss date night, I miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie, I miss Sunday dinners, I miss watching him play with our boys. Oh the list goes on and on!

I have been having more anger about my boys not having their dad around to teach them things. I see dads playing catch with their kids, teaching them to ride bikes, playing basketball, and just hanging out with their kids. Every time I see it my heart aches for my boys. Can I just scream to the world...this is so unfair! My boys need their dad! I feel like they won't be able to excel in so many activities because Joe isn't here to teach them and practice with them. Ben signed up for baseball and he is going to be so behind in his skill compared to the other kids that have their dad's to practice with. I tried pitching some balls to Sam the other day. I have always been terrible at sports and I did not become magically good when Jonas died. I am horrible! Batting practice didn't go very well or very long with mom not being able to throw a good pitch. Soccer season is starting soon and I wish Jonas were here to run drills with them. I wish he were here to take them camping, fishing, and mountain climbing this summer. Seriously. I could go on for hours about how unfair it is that my boys don't have their dad.

I have been angry that I have to do another year of birthday parties without Joe. It will be Ben's 7th birthday on Wednesday and I have decided that birthdays are probably harder for me than most holidays. I get really depressed about not having Joe here to celebrate birthdays with us. He is missing out on so many things!

I warned you. This is a pity party!

But, I really have been trying to figure out what to do with all my anger. Obviously, it has built up and is now swelling in me. So what will I do with it all? Well, folks. I am going to run. I haven't been what you call a "runner" for almost 9 years now. I have tried running here and there over the years on my quest to loose weight, but never ran more than 2 miles. I just got so bored. So with some motivation from my dear friend Mandy I took the plunge and signed up for my first ever half marathon! I am taking my anger issues pretty seriously and am trying to put them to positive use. Maybe I have gone completely crazy because who signs up for a half marathon if you aren't even a seasoned runner? Well, crazy or not I am registered to run the Top of Utah half marathon on August 25th. Wish me luck. This body of mine is going to need it! Hopefully, with me telling the blogging world about my quest, it will keep me motivated. I am going to need lots of it. Seriously? A half marathon?!

We Were Given A Gift...

2012-02-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

One year ago today my life permanently changed. I no longer had my husband and the father of my children with me on earth. His broken body couldn't function here anymore and he went on with another chapter of life. The day Jonas died was the worst day of my life. It feels foggy, yet clear at the same time. I can't recall some things, but others will stay in my mind forever. Maybe one day I will be able to write about that day, but for now I still keep it hidden in my mind. Death was not a peaceful experience for me. It was horror and chaos. Jonas dying that day was not expected. Some people seem to think that I knew it was coming because of how sick he had been. I had thoughts that he might not make it for very many more months, especially after the doctors told us Jonas needed a liver transplant in order to survive. I don't think I ever believed it. How could I accept the idea that my husband was going to die? To accept it would mean I was giving up hope. I never wanted to loose hope.

After that painful, horrible, rotten day, my boys and I had to figure out what our new normal was. Everything had changed and nothing seemed fair or right. I started seeing a counselor about a month after Jonas died. My mom was the one who suggested I go talk to someone and I will be forever grateful that I did. She helped me cope with some of the hardest days and nights I had ever experienced. Loosing someone you love and care for deeply brings an actual physical pain to your heart. I remember some nights crying and sobbing and actually feeling that pain. A broken heart is not a figure of speech. It feels exactly how it sounds. It hurts!

I had spent the last three months caring for Jonas. I was his nurse, his wife, his support, the mother of his children, and the one who had to be strong. I had to prepare his TPN every day, make sure I was home at certain times to give him his medications, figure out what to feed him, and be available in the evenings to hook him up to his IV antibiotics. It was exhausting and stressful, but I was so busy doing so many things I didn't notice. I didn't notice until I didn't have to do it anymore. One day I was everything to someone and the next day I was nothing. I was no longer needed. What was I going to do with all this time? I missed doing my job. I wanted to be a nurse and a wife again. I wanted Jonas back. I wanted all these things, but I couldn't have any of them. How could I possibly go on with life?

The answer was simple. My children. My three handsome boys. I am so lucky and blessed to be the mother of Sam, Ben, and Jack. God knew I would not be able to do this alone. He knew I needed three strong personalities to keep me jumping and busy everyday. God knew I would let myself wither away in bed if I could. I was sent these three amazing boys to help me. They are the reason I get up every morning and they are the reason I can still smile. They have no idea how much I need them. I hope they realize one day that they saved me.

During one of my sessions with my counselor I was talking about the time we spent at the Mayo Clinic in 2008. I was telling her that the doctors were calling him a medical mystery and that they were having a hard time knowing how to help him. I don't think I mentioned this in my medical history post, but one of the doctors told us that starving bodies will take nutrition out of every muscle and bone it can. The last place it takes nutrition from is your temples. Joe's temples had been sunk in at one of his appointments and when the doctor saw that he really didn't think he was going to make it. Of course, he didn't tell us that at the time, but only after Joe had started doing better. There were two doctors that had told us (after he was doing better) that they didn't think he was going make it and another doctor at the Mayo Hospital that said it was in God's hands. I am sure there were many more doctors that were thinking the same thing.

After I finished telling my counselor this she looked at me and said, "you were given a gift." I just looked at her not really understanding what she meant. "Heavenly Father knew you were not ready to let him go in 2008." I was thinking in my head...I am not ready in 2011 either! But as we sat and talked some more I started to realize that she was right. (Not that I was ready in 2011, but that we had been given a gift.) We were allowed to keep Jonas in our lives for a couple more years. Jonas was here for the birth of our third son, we were able to go on family vacations and family outings, we were able to have two more years to make memories. We had two more years to learn, grow, and become a stronger family. The strain on a marriage when someone is chronically ill is tough. The stress since mid 2007 was taking its toll on us and we had grown apart. By the summer of 2008 we were doing much better. We were finally able to work on "us" and had fallen in love all over again. It's very true that you have to continually work on your marriage to make it work. I think in every marriage there will be times when you grow apart, but you have to keep working on the "us" part so that you have the wonderful experience of falling in love again and again with your spouse.

Now, had I known the next two years were a gift I would have done things SO MUCH different, but, you know...we aren't supposed to go there. So I try not to. Things really were good between me and Joe. Better than good. They were as perfect as they could have been. We loved each other and we loved our children. Yes, I wish we would have had the "if I ever die" talk and I wish I would have video recorded him more often. I wish he would have had the chance to write letters to our boys and let them know how much he loves them and how proud he was of them. He loved being their daddy. I wished I would have known (or realized) that his time was almost gone and that I would have had a chance to tell him once more how much I love and appreciate him. But I try to remain grateful for the years I had with him. I try to stay positive for my boys so that they can have a happy childhood. I know I will see Jonas again and I dream about that awesome reunion we will have one day. We are so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father. He blessed us with our Joe for two extra years. I will forever treasure the memories we made. When I am having one of those hard nights I will try and remember that because I am loved, I was given a gift.

Joe & Sam 2003

Joe & Ben 2005

Joe & Jack 2008

The Final Medical History

2012-02-20T01:01:00.003-07:00

To see previous medical histories click here.

On January 12, 2011 Jonas was admitted to the hospital again. They admitted him for severe swelling, fatigue, and a continual high bilirubin count. This hospital stay was different though...he actually seemed to be doing better after a few days and we left feeling hopeful. That didn't seem to happen at the end of very many hospital stays. He started seeing a physical therapist during this visit which seemed to help him a lot. When he was discharged on January 16th we set up appointments to continue with the physical therapy. He had started to feel so much better and the bilirubin count was coming down. On our way home from the hospital he wanted to visit all the guys at work. It was so good for him to go there and visit with his co-workers. He had been home from work since mid November and it made him feel so good physically and mentally to go out and be able to visit people. He was even feeling good enough to ask if there was work that he could do at home. It was a very positive day.

A few days later Joe heard from his boss at work and because of legal issues with Jonas being on short term disability he was not able to do any work from home. I think hearing that news was really hard on him. He felt so useless at home and was going crazy with not being able to do anything all day but watch movies and sleep. He had finally started to feel better and he desperately wanted to work. But Joe was a fighter. He did his physical therapy exercises every day and never gave up hope that he was going to get better.

On January 28th we got some more positive news. His liver doctor had found a stone blocking one of his bile ducts and thought they maybe it was the stone causing the bilirubin to stay in his body. His hope was to remove the stone and then have the bilirubin free to leave his body. Dr. Hutson was excited, Jonas was excited, I was excited, it was a really good day! On the way home from that appointment we talked about how in a few months Jonas would be feeling so much better and would be back to work and back to his "normal" life. We were feeling so hopeful and so happy on that drive home. The next day Jonas went in to have the stone removed. I waited in the room with Joe's mom and when they brought Jonas back in from the procedure the first thing he said to me was, "there was nothing there." I thought he was joking. I said, "you're kidding" with a smile on my face. He said in a very sad voice...."there was nothing there, they found nothing". I just looked at Kathy and we didn't know what to think. I don't think we understood what he was saying. Then the doctor walked in and told us that when they went in with their scope they had found nothing. Sometimes MRI's can show artifacts or "ghost" images on the film. What Dr. Hutson had seen on the MRI was one of those artifacts. There was no stone to remove. There would be no bilirubin leaving Joe's system. There would no getting healthy in the next few months and moving on with our life together. It was a heartbreaking and frustrating day. We were devastated. Joe felt defeated.

Things really went downhill after that day. Jonas had become very depressed and spent most of his time sleeping. I don't know if it was the sadness that kept him asleep or that his body was dying and God knew he wouldn't be able to deal with that. Either way, it ended up being a huge blessing that he spent his last three weeks sleeping most of the day.

On February 14th Dr. Hutson fit Jonas into his schedule to see him in clinic because of how poorly he was feeling. I was helping at Sam's Valentines party in school so Joe's mom and my mom took him to his appointment. I knew he would be admitted to the hospital because he had become so much worse in the past two weeks.

Notes from Dr. Hutson's report of his visit with Jonas on February 14, 2011:
"Jonas returns today for follow up of an autoimmune induced cholangiopathy (a disease of the bile ducts). He is being treated with IV Solu-Medrol for the last eight weeks and cyclosporine was added two weeks ago. He has continued to have a downhill course. Over the last several days, he is no longer able to walk on his own volition. He has nausea and is unable to eat. He has been having abdominal distension and his ascites is worse. His energy has been very low and every time he eats, his stomach feels more bloated. He has not been having any fever or chills at home, but he has become quite lethargic and his wife states that he has become confused at times as well."

"Jaundice most likely caused by an autoimmune cholangiopathy with destruction of the bile ducts. He is currently on IV Solu-Medrol and cyclosporine in an effort to treat this condition. There are no similar patient reports available in the literature. He also has had a downhill course physically since he was last seen.

On the 15th Jonas ended up in ICU for 24 hours because of a paracentesis procedure they had done to try and drain some of the fluid in his body. He developed a site bleed which they had a hard time getting stopped. They ended up replacing 2 units FFP, 1 unit platelets, and 4 units PRBC transfusion. That was a ton of blood! What is so frustrating about this is that I didn't even know it was happening! No one ever called me! I got a call from my sister in laws mom who works in the pharmacy at the U of U Hospital. She was calling to see why Jonas had been moved to the ICU and she wanted to make sure I knew he was there. Well, I had no idea! I was so glad she had called and told me. I was so upset and thinking about it right now is actually making me ticked off. I, of course, didn't say anything to the doctors. I am not a confrontational person and just told the doctor it was ok when he apologized for not being able to reach me. He said he a tried and had a wrong number (whatever) but, thinking about it now I should have yelled really loud at him and made a big fuss about it. That was horrible of them to not let me know that my husband was needing a blood transfusion and was in the ICU. I am ticked!

On Thursday February 17th Joe's team of doctors came in and told us that they had done everything they could but felt that in order for Jonas to get better he would need a liver transplant. They also said that he would not be able to get a liver transplant unless they could determine if he did or did not have the M. Kansasii infection. If he still had the infection he would not be a candidate for a transplant. I remember hearing what they were saying and looking at them every now and then but I was mainly focused on Jonas and what he was doing. At this point he was very confused and wasn't really aware of what the doctors were saying. He had a build up of (something that I can't remember the name) in his blood stream that was causing his confusion. I remember watching Jonas try and open a straw and put it in his cup. It was so hard for him to do and I was so worried about him and why he couldn't do such a simple thing. I don't think what the doctors were telling me really sunk in.

On Friday Joe's doctors told us they would like us to meet with the Palliative Care team. Now, I guess I was the confused one at this point because before the doctor mentioned palliative care he was talking about physical therapy and seeing if Jonas would qualify for the rehab program. Then he started talking about palliative care. So when the palliative care representative came in and started telling us about what they do and when we could set up his appointment we (me, Jonas, Kathy, Denny, & Melissa) were all a little shocked. This is what palliative care is:

Palliative care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illnesses. It is focused on providing patients with relief from the symptoms, pain, and stress of a serious illness—whatever the diagnosis. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family.

Palliative care is provided by a team of doctors, nurses, and other specialists who work together with a patient's other doctors to provide an extra layer of support. It is appropriate at any age and at any stage in a serious illness and can be provided along with curative treatment.

She started talking about what decisions we would need to be making if Jonas became worse and what his wishes would be. I think we were all speechless. We thought he would be getting physical therapy and she was talking about what Joe's wishes would be if he were to get worse...

We initially set up the meeting for the next day which was Saturday, but I called back that night and told her we wanted to change in until Tuesday, February 22nd (since Monday was a holiday) she said that would be fine. There was no hurry.

So we got through the weekend and Monday with not much change. Jonas was usually asleep when I was there. I think it was on Friday that I told Jonas what the doctors had said about his liver. I tried to make him understand so that he would knew what we were up against. I told him he needed the liver transplant or he wouldn't make it. He said "OK". But thats all that was said. We talked about how he would get stronger with physical therapy and that hopefully he could get the transplant. We still had hope. There was no talk of death or "what if's". In fact, we had never in our entire marriage talked about death. It was just something that Jonas couldn't talk about. It was too hard for him to think about let alone talk about. I left Monday night thinking I would be back the next afternoon to talk to the Palliative Care team. We would talk about what they would do to make him stronger and what tests they would do to determine if he still had the lung infection. We were going to discuss if Jonas should be moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility until he got strong enough to come home. But none of that took place. I wish I would have never left the hospital that night. I wish I would have stayed there all night holding his hand telling him that I love him.

Our last picture together...taken on February 18, 2011

The Angels Who Welcomed Jonas Home

2012-02-11T00:44:00.001-07:00

Sometimes late at night when I am at my lowest, one of the only things that comforts me is knowing that Jonas is not alone. He is surrounded by people who love him and by family members that he never had the chance to meet here on earth. What a glorious reunion he had!

He was greeted by his brother-in-law, Jesse Person. Jesse married his high school sweet heart Melissa Webster when Jonas was on his mission. They married in October of 1995. Jesse was an amazing man. He was kind and thoughtful and one of the things I remember most about him is how respectful he was to everyone he met. He was such a gentleman! Maybe he learned that from getting through boot camp and becoming a United States Marine, but I am pretty sure Jesse was always that way! Everyone loved listening to Jesse's stories. He was so animated and he had the BEST laugh! I can still clearly hear that distinct "Jesse" laugh. It is unforgettable! We miss him so much. He was killed in a car accident on February 11, 2002. Ten years ago today. What a horrible time that was. I remember everything about that day and I sometimes wish I didn't. It was horrible. He left behind his beautiful wife Melissa and their two sons; Jordan, age 5 and Davin, a month away from turning 2. Melissa was 14 weeks pregnant with their daughter Briauna. Jonas and I named Ben after his uncle Jesse.....Benjamin Jesse Webster....we were both so proud to have Ben carry on that name. I imagine Jonas and Jesse are having a great time discussing history together and enjoying each other's company in the grand library I imagine there is in Heaven.

Jonas was also greeted by his Grandpa Fred Todd and Grandma Veryle Todd. They are Joe's mom's parents. Now, those two were a crack up! They were always saying the funniest things...even if it wasn't the most appropriate of a comment at the time....yeah, they just said it how it was. Tactful or not! But they were very caring and loving and were always so concerned about how each of their children and grandchildren were doing. Jonas and his Grandpa Todd enjoyed talking physics together. They were both very smart and had some long physics discussions together. I am so glad Jonas gets to be with his Grandma and Grandpa again. Now they can talk as long as they want about physics and I am not there rushing Joe out the door! (In my defense....have you ever sat in on a physics discussion?!?) :)

He was greeted by his Grandpa Byron Webster. Joe's Grandpa "Bud" helped us with so many projects over the years. He knew how to fix anything! He was always so kind and willing to help us. Jonas always looked forward to the times he spent with his Grandma and Grandpa Webster. Over the years, we had many BBQ's and holiday dinners with the Webster family and I always enjoyed the time we spent there. Bud died in November of 2010 just 3 months before Jonas. His funeral was the last time people saw Jonas before he got really sick. Bud left behind his sweet wife Alberta. We love her so much and we miss our Grandpa Bud!

Jonas was greeted by one of his best friends Ryan Furness. They went to school together, were on the Taylorsville swim team together, mountain climbed together, and had many good times together. I remember when we heard the news that Ryan was in the hospital. One day he got flu like symptoms and a few days later he was in the hospital and never came home. I remember going to the hospital to see him. He was in a coma and they didn't know what was wrong yet. Later they found cancer in his stomach, but I remember how sad his wife was. They had one young boy and I remember feeling so sad for her. It was a very hard time for Joe. Now Jonas and Ryan can climb, swim, and camp all they want. At least I hope they get to do that in Heaven!

I am so thankful for these wonderful angels that were there to greet Jonas. He also had cousins there, great-grandparents, my grandpa Leary, my uncle Denny and my uncle Al, and many more that I am not even aware of. Thank you so much for taking care of my Joe. Thank you for being there to welcome him home.

A Modern Day Frog Miracle

2012-01-24T23:49:00.001-07:00

Last summer Sam and Ben caught three frogs in our yard. I have always had a rule: "If you find it in the yard, it stays in the yard." But without fail they always try and convince me to keep the "pets". Snakes, frogs, bugs, caterpillars and even cats. I have never had a problem enforcing the rule. They keep the creature for the day and then let it go home at bedtime so it can go sleep next to its family. Well, pretty much since February of 2011 I have not been very good at enforcing the rules. It's hard enforcing rules all by myself. I don't like it. I am not good at it. It makes me tired. So when they came to me and asked if they could keep these frogs as pets, I said yes. But, I did tell them they shouldn't expect the frogs to live more than a few days. Tiny frogs just won't last long in a cage. They were warned.

Skip ahead 8 months. Yup, the dang frogs are still alive! We feed them tiny crickets a couple times a month and keep plenty of water in their cage. I guess they like it in there because these frogs aren't going anywhere!

On Saturday Sam and Ben had their frogs out of the cage and were playing with them. Ben decided the frogs were getting cold and gave them a warm bath in the sink. He had the water running and wanted to make them really warm so he only left the hot water on. He said they were swimming around and then they both got stiff. I was downstairs when I heard Sam screaming and crying. I knew something had happened to the frogs. I ran upstairs and Ben was holding two lifeless frogs. It looked like they were still breathing but their legs were stiffened out behind them and they couldn't move. I put them in the sink filled with cold water but all they did was float on their backs. I told Sam and Ben that they were dead and they both lost it.

Sam was throwing things around in his room screaming and crying. He tore his bed apart and then my bed apart. He threw the coats off the coat rack and was banging things against the wall. He was so angry and hurt and it just broke my heart to see him like that. At one point he said he wanted to kill himself. I think he has so much anger built up inside him from when Jonas died that when this happened he did not know how to control all that anger.

Ben was crying on the floor and just kept saying he wanted to go to Heaven to live with his family. It was a horrible scene in my house on that Saturday afternoon! Sam decided we should say a prayer but he said he would just do it in his mind.

I told Sam that we should bury them and he said "No!" He did not want those frogs to be put in the cold ground. I wrapped them in some toilet paper and set them on my kitchen counter. I decided to have my dad come and get Sam so he could play at his house and have some distance from Ben. (Sam was blaming Ben for this and he was really mad at him.) When Sam left he told me not to bury them until he got home. Ben went to a friends house to play and Jack stayed home with me. I kept checking the frogs to see if they had stopped moving. About two hours later one had totally stopped moving and looked flattened and darker green. The other was still making small movements. I thought the poor thing was dying slowly and suffering. I was feeling pretty bad for him.

This whole incident happened around noon. At 4:00 pm I walked into the kitchen to help Jack and noticed a frog sitting on my kitchen floor. I couldn't believe it! I lifted up the toilet paper and the other frog was sitting up looking at me. I was shocked. The crazy lucky frogs were alive! Their legs were tucked up underneath them again and they were crawling (not hopping) around. Maybe they had just been in deep shock or something but we are calling it a frog miracle! I called Sam and he was so happy (as you can imagine) he let out a loud, "YES!!!!" Then I called Ben. I don't think he believed me at first because all I got from him was silence on the other end of the phone. After I told him a second time he said, "really?" I told him yes and he said, "it must have been Jesus."

Yes, Ben, I think you are right. I think your daddy saw how much you two were hurting and asked if there was anything that could be done to help these little frogs. It was a modern day frog miracle.

The big light green frog is their cousin Kaleb's frog. After his mom heard what happened to Sam and Ben's frogs she brought theirs over and said they could have it. (I think she was glad to be rid of it!) So yes, thanks to my sister we now have FOUR pet frogs!

Your Last Year With Us

2012-01-02T19:21:00.005-07:00

To see previous medical histories click here

It's very strange and surreal to think that 2010 was the last full year Jonas was with us. How different I would have been had I known he would be gone in 14 very short months. If I knew then what I know now...

You could drive yourself literally crazy thinking about all the things you "should" have done. It's not a good place to be. I still tend to go there sometimes, its hard not to, but I try to get away from that bad place really fast. Growing up my dad would always say, "you can't should have anything Brittney". I guess I had a tendency to dwell on the past and what I should have done different. Wow, I haven't changed much! But I have learned from all this that it really isn't a good place to go. If you find yourself walking down the "should have" lane, run really fast. Do not let your mind go there. It will only get you stuck in the mud.

In January 2010 we took a trip to Disneyland with my family. Jonas hadn't been feeling good so I was pretty nervous about the vacation. The first day we drove to Las Vegas and that night Jonas was so sick. He told me he just wanted to go home. He was considering having me take him to the airport and just flying home. I remember walking into the bedroom and seeing him laying curled up on the bed. It was such a sad sight to see my husband so sick on what was supposed to be such a fun family vacation. He felt a little better the next morning and managed to drive to Anaheim. He rested the remainder of the day and the next morning he said he couldn't go to Disneyland with us. He felt bad, I felt bad, my boys were sad. I was starting to get really mad at his sickness. Why couldn't the doctors fix him?!? We went the first day without him and the next two days he came with us. I still don't know how he managed to get through Disneyland for two days when he felt so horrible. He is awesome.

On the way home we stopped at the beach. It was so beautiful and peaceful. We all love the beach and wished we could have stayed longer, but we had a long drive to St. George ahead of us and Jonas still wasn't feeling good. We talked about taking a family vacation to the beach the next year. In my mind I picture Jonas waiting for us on the beach so we can finally take our vacation.

Jonas ended up in the hospital on February 18th. I don't remember the exact reason they admitted him but, I do remember this was when he had to get surgery to change his port from the right side of his chest to his left. It really bothers me that I don't have much recollection of this hospital stay. I don't even know how long he was there but, I know he was home by February 28th because I have a picture of him at home that day.

March 14th was Ben's 5th birthday and I had planned a big family dinner for him, but he spent the night before throwing up so we just had my parents and Joe's parents over for cake and ice cream. This is my favorite picture of Joe and his mom. Jonas was such a good son. He loved his mom and dad unconditionally. In his eyes, they were perfect and he treated them with great respect. (At least as an adult!) ~~I'm sure~~ I know they have some "not so respectful" stories of Joe as a teenager!

The more I think about each month of 2010 the less I seem to remember. I am furious at myself for not keeping a journal. I don't remember how Jonas was feeling on Easter, but this is a picture of him Easter morning and he looks good. But, he was always so good at hiding how he was feeling physically.

Joe loved being able to come to Sam and Ben's t-ball games. It was so fun that Sam and Ben got to be on the same team for the 2010 season. They didn't play last season but I am hoping they will want to do it this year.

My brother-in-law, Dan took these pictures of Joe on Mother's Day. Jonas had no idea he was taking them. They have become my favorite pictures and I absolutely treasure them. The first time I saw these pictures were on the DVD my cousin made of Jonas for his funeral. I am so glad my cousin saw these at Dan's house and told Dan he needed them for the video. They are perfect pictures of my husband.

At the end of May we went to Joe's cousins wedding. Ben agreed (with lots of bribing) to be the ring bearer since his older brother Sam backed out. After the ceremony and dinner was over we had so much fun dancing the night away. Jonas is not one to get out on the dance floor and show his stuff, but he did on this night and it was so much fun! All the cousins were out on the floor bustin' their moves. My little break dancer Ben was in his glory. I think it is a memory all the Websters will treasure.

June 15th was Sam's 7th birthday and the only picture I have of Jonas on that day is one that shows him in the far bottom right corner....do you see his happy smile?

We went to Lagoon in July but I only have pictures of my kids with their cousins, so once again I don't remember if Jonas was there. I think my entire 2010 became a big fog starting in November of that year. My 2011 has also become dream like and foggy. Hopefully sometime in the near future I will get my brain back!

This is a picture of us at our annual 4th of July breakfast at my mom and dad's house. Jonas has his TPN backpack on so I am assuming this is about the time the doctors started running it for longer. His face also looks swollen so he must have gone on prednisone sometime in June? I question this because I don't remember the exact time frame, but I think it was sometime in the summer he was put on prednisone.

We went to Yellowstone in July with my sister Katie, her husband Kyle, and their son Kaleb who is three months younger than Jack. It was such a fun vacation! We rented a pop up trailer so Jonas would have a place to do his IV antibiotics and the boys loved it. Oh, I loved it too. Sleeping in a trailer is definitely the way to camp! We stayed in Grants Village and camped there for 4 nights. On the way home we talked about how we would start saving to buy a trailer since we planned on doing lots of camping and fishing now that the boys were getting older...

Our 13th wedding anniversary was on June 26th but we waited until August to celebrate since my wonderful husband agreed to take me to see Josh Turner! If you don't know Josh Turner you are totally missing out on an amazing voice. He is a country singer and Jonas isn't really a fan of country so I was thrilled that he said he would take me. The concert was at the Ed Kenley amphitheater and we spent the night at a hotel in Layton. Jonas didn't feel that good but I still remember it being a really fun time and I loved spending time with just Joe.

August 21st was Joe's 35th birthday. Little did we know it would be the last birthday he would be here for. That just sucks. I don't even have any pictures to document it, but I am hoping I can find someone that had a camera that night. We always celebrate Joe's birthday in the canyon with both our families. We have dinner and peach cobbler. It's always a good time and it's something we will always do on Joe's birthday to celebrate his life.

There was a family reunion for Joe's moms side of the family in September. It was the first reunion the Todd family had had in years. I think it was such a neat thing that so many people got to see Jonas that loved him and hadn't seen him in so many years. It was the last time they would get to see Joe and I am so grateful that we attended the reunion and people got to say their "goodbye". Even if they didn't know that's what they were doing.

September 19th was Jack's 2nd birthday. I don't have any pictures of Joe on that day because he was the one taking all the pictures.

On October 3rd we went Topaz hunting with the Webster family. Joe's mom went all the time when she was little and it was something she loved to do. The kids had so much fun looking for "crystals". Ben was positive we would become rich. I remember it was really windy and hot the day we went, but we had a good time and we are so glad we had that last family outing with the Websters.

The next weekend we went to the cabin with the Webster clan. But I don't have any pictures! And really, the only thing that jogs my memory for 2010 is pictures, so I don't really remember it. I am hoping my mother-in-law has some that will help out my poor memory.

The teenager in the chair is having a blast!

I didn't want to get family pictures, but the last one we took was when Jack was six months old. I kept saying "as soon as I loose 10 pounds" we will get one. Well, I never lost 10 pounds and Jonas was really swollen from the steroids but we still got them done. I am SO grateful we did! These were taken the first week of October.

We love Halloween at our house! We love the decorations, carving pumpkins, scary parties, dressing up, and of course the candy! I always make spooky dinner food on Halloween night and we watch a movie with the kids after trick-or-treating. I have lots of fun memories surrounding Halloween. Our last Halloween together was pretty low key since Jonas wasn't doing that great. He had been sick pretty much the entire month of October. His diarrhea was so bad that he was having to give himself bags of saline to keep hydrated. I made spooky dinner food, but Jonas couldn't eat any and he wasn't able to take the kids out trick-or-treating. He was able to sit with us the night we carved pumpkins though, and the boys and him had fun looking on the computer for scary pumpkins to carve.

It's pretty obvious Joe feels like crap. I'm so glad he
carved pumpkins with us though.

Jack is thinking his mom has gone crazy. I probably had!

Jonas and I took our last date on November 6, 2010. We went to a Utah football game and even though the Utes got killed and Jonas was not feeling good at all, we still had a good time and loved being there together. We went to a Utes football game in August too, but I didn't have pictures for that one.

About a week later everything changed. Jonas started to get worse and he developed really severe jaundice. I remember on a Sunday night I was changing the needles and dressing on his port and I kept thinking to myself how yellow his chest looked. I didn't say anything to Joe because I didn't want to worry him. It was probably 2 days later that his whole body went yellow and it was obvious to everyone. He stopped being able to go to work on November 10th. He was admitted to the hospital on November 19, 2010. They admitted him for dehydration, fatigue, and bilirubin levels of around 18. Normal is is 0.3-1.0. During December his bilirubin level reached a peak of 44! He was sent home from the hospital on December 1, 2010. I found an email Jonas sent to his boss at work. This is what he had to say:

Hey Danny,

Thought I better get back to you soon ... the last few days I've been poked, prodded and bruised up. I'm still in the hospital and I might leave today or in the next few days depending on what the liver doctors decided on. My bilirubin has skyrocketed to 25 (about 12x the normal) and my other liver enzymes have jumped up to very high levels. They've reached a plateau where they are not going up or down. Either way it can take weeks to months to get the liver functions down. Right now, the doctors are deciding on whether to do a liver biopsy (which shouldn't be as bad as the bone marrow biopsy they did a few days ago.) They either think I have a dili (drug induced liver injury) or some type of autoimmune hepatitis.

They also removed my old port on my chest because of another line infection and gave me both a temporary picc-line and a newer port-o-cath.
But anyways, I'm feeling ok and looking yellow, like one of the Simpson's characters. I'll keep you updated ... say hi to everyone and hope everything is well.

-Joe

This is an email Jonas sent to his boss on December 9, 2010.

Hi Danny,

Last Tuesday I had a lung biopsy (really wasn't painful) because my bilirubin kept climbing ... from Last Friday to today it jumped from 31 to 36 to 38. Unfortunately, we won't know anything until tomorrow or Monday.

I'm still feeling like crud and is very hard to get out of bed. I feel like the Mayo day's when I didn't have any strength.

Anyways, hope everything is going ok for you guys ... say hello.

-Joe

This is an email sent to his boss on December 20, 2010

Hey Danny,

Hope everything has gone well ... I was glad to finally receive some treatment (prednisone) last Thurs for the liver disease. However, we did some lab tests today the bilirubin has climbed to 44. The last few days I've been able to walk a little better but I sometimes have that jello wobbly felling in my legs ... really weird. It's very hard to fight this ... I really don't know when I will be better and even the doctor admits that he has not seen anything like this. I hope to see you and gang real soon.

Sincerely,
Jonas

This was an email sent to his boss on December 27, 2010

Hi Danny,

The last two labs (Friday and today) have shown the bilirubin has stopped climbing and has started to drop (from 44 to 42.6 to 41). It looks like I'm responding to well to the prednisone. I'm gaining some strength and was able to go to my parents house for x-mas. I had to lay down on the couch most of the time but it felt good to get out of the house. One problem I still have is swollen ankles, no kidding they are the size of tree trunks. Well I think I'm on the mend (and I'm still yellow) ... sure hope you've had a great Christmas and are enjoying the time with your family. I will see you soon.

-Joe

Jonas was able to spend Christmas with us and join us at most of the holiday parties. This is a picture of him and his brother and sister at the Webster Christmas party.

Jonas was able to celebrate my birthday with me over at my moms house.

He was even able to come to my moms house on Christmas Eve

And Christmas Day...

The socks Jonas has on are compression socks.
He was trying to keep the swelling down in his feet
and legs.

This is over at his mom and dad's house. He had a bunch
of things he wanted from the Apple store.

The year 2010 had come to an end. I wish I could remember what we did for New Years Eve, but surprise surprise, I don't remember! Of course, there were lots of other fun things and family events we did during the year. There were birthdays, a baby blessing, mother's day, father's day, and many other good times. I just don't have pictures of them and I guess this blog post could go on for a very long time! It was a hard year for Jonas physically and mentally. He was always feeling so fatigued and worn out. It's so hard to live that way and never get any answers as to why all these things were happening. He was a medical mystery and it was exhausting and frustrating.

This is a note out of his medical records from his liver doctor:

December 23, 2010
Dr. Hutson

Probable autoimmune process of the liver that is destroying the bile ducts. I am less likely inclined to believe this is a drug-induced liver injury as I initially thought. This is particularly after the evaluation of the liver biopsy done on December 7th...If the liver continues to worsen, then this patient may end up needing to be in an attempt for a possibility of a liver transplant, although that would certainly be a risky endeavor in view of this patients other medical problems, ion particular the M. Kansasaii infection.

Last year at this time

2011-12-29T00:57:00.003-07:00

Last year at this time Jonas was very sick. Last year at this time I still had a husband and my boys still had a daddy. Last year at this time I felt hope that Jonas would get better. He always did. Last year at this time I would have never in a million years thought I would become a widow at the age of 33.

Things change. Bad things happen. Even to a family that I thought was "exempt" from another death in the family since we lost Jesse, (Joe's brother in law) on Feb. 11, 2002. I was pretty naive to think that the Websters wouldn't have to face death again. But I suppose that's what I am good at. Being naive.

Things have become hard again. The grief wave has crashed once again and I am having a hard time finding purpose in life and motivation to do much. I think what is really getting to me is that I have to start 2012 without Jonas. I will no longer be able to say "last year at this time" once February 22, 2012 comes. I don't want to start a new year without my husband.

But...I will. The New Year will come and I will still be a widow raising three young boys. I will get up each day to take care of my handsome boys and hopefully find peace and motivation again. It's a good thing I have family to keep me moving. I know I couldn't do this without their love and support. It's a good thing I have Sam, Ben, and Jack. They are my world.

Last year at this time I had an eternal family. I am so thankful and grateful to know that I still do. I always will.

This is our "daddy" tree. All the ornaments on it represent Jonas. I had a fun time looking for ornaments that would fit on our tree. Some of them are Ute footballs, books, fishing, camping, angels, and computers. My family and Joe's family also contributed ornaments to the tree that represented Jonas to them. It is a special tree and I am already excited to add to it next year. When my boys have Christmas trees of their own they will be able to have the ornaments from their "daddy's tree". That thought makes me smile.

2009, It was a good year!

2011-12-07T00:13:00.003-07:00

Jonas is telling us he has had enough of being sick. "This year I am staying healthy!"

(to read previous medical histories, click here)

Family outing to the Gateway Children's Museum

Attempt at a family photo

Daddy & Jack

This was on Ben's birthday. (Joe's sister is always teasing her brothers!)
Joe looks so much better at this birthday party compared to Ben's
2008 birthday party.

Dr. Samuel Webster

At this point, Jonas was just using his
port for his nightly IV antibiotics.

Dr. Benjamin Webster

Enjoying the warm weather at Joe's parents house
for his sister's birthday.

Happy Easter

Joe loved to be at Sam & Ben's tball and soccer games!

Hill Air force base

Joe made this treasure box and treasure maps for Sam's
pirate birthday party

Joe & Jack at the 4th of July breakfast at my
parent's house.

Sam got a pet bearded dragon for his 6th birthday!

Swimming in Midway

Family time in the canyon

Dinosaur Park

Lagoon

Cherry Hill

Joe's 34th Birthday

Enjoying the outdoors

I don't know where we are....maybe the Todd's
family cabin??

Enjoying some TV after a Sunday dinner
(I suspect its football)

Reading time

Joe is so creative!

The spider cake (its much better than I could ever do!)

Perhaps more football?! And unfortunately
this about the time Jonas started feeling sick again.
Can you tell he has lost weight?

Webster Christmas party. We make gingerbread
houses every year and the kids (and adults)
always have a good time!

Mine and Kaleb's (my nephews) birthday party
Joe completely shocked and surprised me by showing
up with a Cricut Machine! It was such
a generous gift and I had no idea he was
getting it! I hadn't even hinted I had wanted one.
But I loved it!

Sam & Joe singing at our Christmas Eve talent show

Joe getting his yearly South Park season for Christmas. He loved
that show! (I hated it. Although, yes,
occasionally I did laugh at it. Not very often!)

Merry Christmas!

As far as I can remember it was a really good year! For almost the entire year Jonas was pretty healthy. I think it was about September that he started to not feel good on a more regular basis. At some point Jonas had to go back on TPN, I wish I could remember exactly when that was, but I think it was around September or October of 2009.

He started to loose weight again and his diarrhea got worse which caused him to be dehydrated. We felt like we were reliving the beginning of 2008. We were both so sad and discouraged that he had to go back on it, but we knew it would be the only way to keep his body nourished and hydrated.

I am so thankful for the good memories I have of 2009, we had some really fun times together as a family. I wish I had thousands of pictures to document every good moment of that year, but I will cherish the memories in my mind forever.

Our growing list of firsts

2011-11-28T22:44:00.001-07:00

It has been nine months of firsts. First birthdays, first anniversary, first summer, first Halloween, first report cards, first lost tooth....the list goes on and on. We can now add our first Thanksgiving to our list. This is not an exciting list of "firsts" like it is with a child who is experiencing their first year of life, but a very sad and painful list of firsts. A list of firsts because it is the first time we are doing things without our "daddy". The first time "mom" is running things (even though I probably did that anyway), but now it's different. I HAVE to run things and I have no one to make decisions with or to even argue with. I. Am. In. Charge.

It sounds like it would be nice. Always in charge. No other schedules to work around. No one to check in with. It's all about me and the boys. We do what we want and don't have to worry about anyone else. Except there is one big problem. All this so called "independence" really sucks.

I HAVE to be in charge. I HAVE to make all the decisions. (I am really really really horrible at making decisions!) I need another schedule to work around to keep me balanced. I WANT to check in with someone because it means I am missed and cared about. I WANT it to be more than me and the boys. I WANT to worry about someone else. Life is a much happier place when you have a companion to worry about. It really is. It may not seem like it when you are arguing about finances or how much time you are spending with each side of the family. There are a million things you can argue about in a marriage, but in the grand scheme of life, those "things" to argue about just don't matter.

If you have a companion to snuggle with, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, someone to share opinions and thoughts with, someone to share child raising with......YOU, my friend, are a very lucky person.

Joe. I need you back.

May 2009

Amazing friends, amazing neighbors (Medical History April 2008-Jan 2009)

2011-11-09T23:29:00.004-07:00

This is a continuation of Joe's medical history which you can read here.

When we arrived home from the airport on April 17th, 2008, Jonas was in for a shocking surprise. This was the condition of our backyard when we left on April 1st. Our backyard fiasco started clear back in August of 2006. Our next door neighbors were going to build a block wall fence, so Jonas thought it would be "really cool" if we did too. (Because he had lots of spare time to spend building a fence in between school, work, and not feeling good). To make a very long story short, we ended up hiring someone in September 2007 to finish what we (he) had started. Jonas was no longer feeling well enough to try and finish this major project. But, the guy we hired was a "hit and run" type of fella. He came, he started the job, he took a little more than half the money we had agreed to pay him, and then he disappeared. Stressful? Totally. We kept hoping he would come back, but we never saw him again.

The partially worked on wall behind Sam and Ben is all our so called "fence builder" had done

This is what Jonas saw when we pulled up into our driveway:

My dear friend had put herself in charge of a major project. I didn't even know this was going on and when I got back on April 12th I was shocked when I saw our fence almost finished. My friend had been talking with my mom while I was gone and had arranged an entire neighborhood and community of "secret helpers" to finish our backyard. Jonas was speechless when he saw it. He was in tears and couldn't believe what he was looking at. What is even more amazing is the "secret helpers" didn't stop with just a fence. Neighbors and friends brought in dirt to level our yard, they put in a sprinkling system, they put in our grass, they put together a small storage shed and a swing set for my kids. The kindness and hours of service that were spent on our behalf was so incredibly generous of so many people. Everyday something new was happening in our yard. It looked beautiful! We were so grateful and just amazed at how many people were willing to help with our yard. It was a very humbling experience. It was hard to watch so many people doing things in our yard....we felt guilty..... Jonas especially felt like he should be out there helping. He desperately wanted to be out there with everyone, but he was still really sick. He was so grateful though, and I know he wished he could have personally thanked everyone who had helped with such a huge project. Thank you so much my dear friends and neighbors. We are so thankful for you and you will never know how much you touched our hearts.

These are pictures of some of the people helping to haul all the dirt to our backyard. I wish I would have taken pictures of how many people showed up to lay our sod. There were at least 20 people there helping!

I don't have "after" pictures, so here is one I found of our yard in June. We were so excited to have a yard for Sam's birthday party!

I need to backtrack and fill you in on how Joe's recovery from the Mayo Clinic was going. When we got home he was still so sick and frail. We had a nurse from Coram Healthcare come to our house a few hours after he got home to show me how to do his IV antibiotics and TPN. I remember feeling very overwhelmed and nervous to be in charge of his medications. I had never done anything like this and it was totally freaking me out. Thankfully a nurse would be coming to our house to change the dressing on his PICC line and access his PORT once a week. I was not ready to take that on. I eventually did it a few months later (because our insurance would no longer cover a nurse coming to our home if Jonas was working) so I was forced to learn how to do it. Putting needles into Jonas the first time was SO scary! After several times I felt more comfortable with it and I actually got really good at it. :)

This is a picture from Feb. 2010, but I wanted you to see what his port looks like. This is after a surgery he had to move his port from one side to the other. The doctors had to remove it because the skin had become so thin that he had holes that wouldn't heal. The needles that are covered with a dressing and the tubing hanging down....yeah.....I put those in. :) I did that every Sunday night for about two years.

From the time Joe got home from the Mayo until mid May I pretty much had to do everything for him. He was so weak and tired. He slowly started to gain weight though and even though he still had severe diarrhea, which was making him dehydrated, we finally got the fluid in his TPN high enough so that it would offset everything he was loosing each day. Getting the TPN to be "just right" was frustrating and a slow process. After several weeks of seeing an Internal Medicine doctor we didn't care for, we finally got into Dr. Penrod at the University Hospital. He was awesome. Taking care of a patient who is on TPN takes a lot of time. Seriously.....not many doctors want TPN patients! They have to check labs weekly and meet with dietitians and pharmacists to get the TPN exactly right. It's a lot of extra work and I am so grateful Dr. Penrod was willing to do that for us. He helped Jonas out so much.

We had so many doctor appointments in the months of May, June, July, and August. It seemed like we had at least one a week and sometimes two. Jonas was seeing FIVE different specialists! He was seeing an Endocrinologist for his diabetes, a Gastroenterologist for his diarrhea, a Hematologist for his low white blood count, a Pulmonologist for his lung infection, and a Immunologist for his Immune deficiency. He was also seeing his Internal Medicine doctor and a dietitian. That's a total of SEVEN doctors that wanted to see him monthly until the end of the summer. Then it went to every two or three months that we saw each doctor. Our schedules were crazy!

I wish I could remember how many ER visits we had after we got home from the Mayo. I think maybe 3 or 4 and they were because of low potassium or dehydration and I can't remember what else.....but it all had to do with the TPN getting balanced with what Joe's body was doing. This is when a journal would be nice. I can't recall so many details about this time and its making me mad! If only I had written in a journal....

Here are some pictures of Jonas in April and May. I still get shocked when I look at them and see how skinny he was. He had literally been starving to death and it makes me so sad to think about that.

In June another amazing service was done for us. Some friends put together a benefit dinner to help us pay for medical bills. The turn out was unreal. It was held at West Bountiful park and it seemed like the entire city was there. The food was catered by Red Flame and there was also a bake sale. It was shocking and humbling to see so many people come to support us. I wish there was a way to thank each person individually who supported us through this time. But how does one go about thanking an entire city and community?! Seriously. I live in an amazing area. We were so touched by the generosity of so many people and I truly want to thank you and tell you how much that meant to us. I wish I had more pictures of the benefit dinner, but here are a few I could find. Look at the line of people waiting for food.....look at the parking lot full of cars. It was amazing. It was touching. It is something I will never forget.

At the end of May, Jonas went back to work. He was feeling better and gaining weight almost weekly. The IvIg he was receiving for his immune deficiency was helping, the TPN was helping his malabsorbtion, the neupogen shots were helping his chronic low white blood count, and the IV antibiotics were helping his lung infection. He was getting better! We were so excited and happy to have a healthy dad and husband again. We tried to put out of our minds that the diarrhea problem was still not solved, but at least it was being treated.....not fixed or cured, but treated.....and that was good enough for now.

June

July

August

September

November

Things were going great! It just never seems to last very long when it come to Joe's health. This is a picture of Jack's blessing day. On this very day Joe's PICC line was really itching and irritating him. He put some cream on it....nothing too unusual.....BUT if you happen to have a low white blood count and a PICC line that can get infected easily.....DO NOT use cream that the dog has chewed on! Our dog was always chewing on tubes of cream, neosporin, A&D ointment. He loves them. Well, Joe grabbed a tube that Gus had chewed on (I can guess why we still had the tube of chewed cream instead of it being in the garbage. Joe was tired of spending money on new tubes of creams and ointments!) He put some under the PICC line dressing to relieve the itching. Doing that caused him to get an infection. He got really sick and ended up in the Huntsman Hospital. They admitted him to the Huntsman Hospital this time because his white blood count was almost zero. He was admitted on Thanksgiving Day. It was our year to go to the Webster's for Thanksgiving, so he told me to take the kids to dinner and he was going to drive himself to the ER. I didn't want him to take himself, but he really wanted me to take the kids to his Grandma's for Thanksgiving. He had decided to go in because of a fever he had that hadn't gone away for a few days. His doctors had told him that if he ever got a fever over 101 that he needs to come into the hospital. He missed Thanksgiving and ended up in the hospital for 16 days!!

It was a very depressing time for Jonas because he felt ok other than a fever that would not come down. He was so bored and felt like he was going crazy being stuck in the hospital for so long. The first 7 days he needed to be there to get his bacterial infection treated and he also had a fungus in his throat that needed to be treated. But after that it really became a waste of time. After 14 days they finally figured out his fevers wouldn't come down because of all the antibiotics he was on! They took him off two of the antibiotics and his fever finally went away. After 16 LONG days he got to come home. I think this is when they removed his PICC line so he would only have to worry about his PORT. At least he had been in the Huntsman for 16 days and not the University Hospital. Being in the Huntsman Hospital was like staying in the Grand America. It was fancy shmancy. The room was huge, the food was excellent and he could call any time of day to order things, and the TV and movie selection was fabulous. So I guess if anything positive came from this at least he was well fed and entertained!

Jonas was home for Christmas, which I had started to wonder about when he was at the hospital for so long. He felt ok in the morning, but as the day went on he started to feel sick.....again. This is the smile he put on for everyone that day....

......but this is how he really felt. Not that great.

My poor honey! He started to feel really sick by the evening so he didn't come with us to his Grandma's and Grandpa's to visit with his extended family. So now he had missed Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with his extended family. Such rotten luck. Jonas stayed at his mom's house and slept while we all went to his Grandparent's house. This also happened to be the year of the horrible snow storm that came in on Christmas night. When I left Joe's grandparent's house it was starting to snow. When I got to Joe's parents house in Taylorsville, it was snowing even harder. Joe was too sick to drive home, so I had to do it. Driving at night scares me, so you can imagine how petrified I was driving home in a storm. My hands gripped the steering wheel for dear life the entire way home. I have driven in snow storms plenty of times, but I have never been in a storm that bad. There were some spots where it was a white out and I couldn't see anything. To make matters worse, Jack, who was three months old was screaming in his car seat. It was a horribly scary experience! When we finally pulled into our driveway a hour later, (Taylorsville to West Bountiful is usually a 20 minute drive) I started crying because of how scared I had been and my hands were numb from gripping the steering wheel so tight. I was so thankful we had made it home safe.

Jonas was better by New Years Eve and the year 2009 was actually a really good year for Jonas' health. I will post on that year next time.

Finding My New Normal

2011-10-24T00:10:00.002-06:00

"Finding your new normal". This is something you will often hear if you have lost a loved one. As I sit and think about this statement, I find it a very bizarre statement but nevertheless a very true statement. Bizarre because normal is not "new". Normal is comfortable, reliable, relaxed. There is nothing new about normal. It is old, it is normal!

But, you have to find a new normal because your "old" normal will never again be the same. Things will always be different. Your life will never ever be the same or in other words, "normal." So, the day your loved one dies is the day you begin your journey of trying to "find your new normal". It is not a journey I would wish for anyone.

I am eight months into this journey. Eight months! I can hardly believe my honey has been gone for eight months. It feels like he has been gone forever and yet it feels like it just happened. How am I doing after eight months? It really depends on the day. Life is still a huge roller coaster. I can be completely content and happy and then a thought crosses my mind or someone says something and my mind floods with memories or future memories we should have had. It's not even things said directly to me that get me down, its the things I overhear. It's the "I love you honey" or the "I will talk to you later". It's the "daddy's home" or "hi daddy" that really makes my heart take a dive. It's the child running to his dad for a hug or the husband with his arm around his wife as they sit next to each other or stroll along the street together. It's the dad cheering his kids on at their soccer games or the husband taking his wife out for date night. But its their normal. It is not mine. It's what I am supposed to be doing, but can't because my normal changed on February 22, 2011. So how do we go about finding our new normal? Good question. Anyone, anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller. Bueller. Yeah, I obviously don't have a clue. But, we do a little of this...

I cheer Sam and Ben on at their soccer games.....

We go camping with fabulous friends....

I spend lots of volunteer hours being the PTA Treasurer, I taxi kids to lessons, I do homework, reading, and bedtime. I (sometimes) make dinner, I do laundry, clean bathrooms, and work on de-cluttering projects. I go grocery shopping and referee fights. I try and keep the garage organized and the yard looking nice. I wash the car and pump up bike tires. I play games with my kids and have family prayer.

Reading over this list, life seems pretty normal. Except.... its not because we do all of this without Jonas. So, I guess in conclusion, finding your new normal means going on with your normal life.... just differently.

Well. That. Makes. Perfect. Sense.

Lucky me though, I have a wonderful dad that helps me with yard work and car washes. Brother-in-laws that fix things, install new things in my house, and play with my kids. Sisters that babysit all the time for PTA meetings, appointments, and alone time for myself. I have Joe's family who are always so concerned about me and are always willing to help me anytime I need it. I have an amazing mom that helps me with everything I can't do on my own (which is a lot) and neighbors and friends that care about me and help me with finding that "new normal" I am searching for. I couldn't make this journey alone and for all of you I am truly grateful.

I suppose I will continue to do my normal things......just a little different.