Weight Indecency, confessions of an overweight girl

Who am I

2015-07-28T17:35:00.001-07:00

We are all searching for our so cold destiny, all day everyday we wake up working towards what we hope is where we were meant to be, until we wake up one day and find that we are not yet there. That which we had thought was our destiny, a job, a relationship, was actually a pitstop, a restroom break before riding on the bumpy bus again on a foggy road with no road signs ahead... Its a unique human thing, the feeling that we havent found ourselves, that there's unfound area of ourselves that promises healing that promises happiness that promises satisfaction in its purest authentic form. Its almost as if we all have this pre notion of what satisfaction is, or even what reaching your destiny is, we act like we have a manual for this machinery and we just keep installing it wrong without the option of sending it back to the manufacturer.

Like you have, Ive BEEN searching for myself, a new me for the past 35 years. You would think that with all this practise I'm closer to my answer, my destiny, if you will, but I couldn't be further even if I tried. My life feels like a web of confusion guilt regret and pain, lots and lots of pain tangled up into a knotted ball that would take years and tears to unrevel. I've learned to love this ball. this tangled web of mine, Ive learnt to protect it and give it a home in my heart, in my life. I cant live without it now, it is not just a part of me IT IS ME. I identify myself with it, Ive embraced it. It is mine and mine to keep.

I am realising that I use social media to protect this ball, but I now kind of want it to develop to crawl and maybe finally walk, right out of my life. The very first thing I did was to disconnect, so that this ball stops sucking the life out of me. I feel like it feeds off me via social media, I sometimes write and post things Im not particularly proud of, the ball makes me do it, its not me , you see it has a persona of its own. I simply gave life to it. I spent too much time protecting it, its now behaving like a spoilt brat of a child, embarrassing me in public in the full view of other disaproving parents, only difference is I cant spank it like you would a child, all I can do is cut it off, cut off its blood supply. How you ask? By keeping off social media for a while. I want to discover who I am outside of the public personas I have created through my ball, I am not saying I will win that I wont falter but i do hope it changes everything, I hope it rediscoveres me, I hope it helps towards finding myself, opening new doors, unexplored paths and hopefully closer to my destiny

Weight wise you would be happy to know that though still in the upper 80s I have maintained my weight so far, I promised to never go back to 100s to the 90s but this time to go down further, I might find myself in the 70s soon, who knows, now that Im shifting my daily focus, it gives me a platform to focus on things I've neglected for too long. Things like loving myself FIRST not acting like I do, to love ME completely and selfishly and unpologetically.

What is growth?

2014-07-26T18:56:00.000-07:00

As my birthday week passes on and I have gained another year in my badge of life, there are still parts of me that are waiting for that 'growth'. I'm not sure if I am just a young spirit that we always remain that way or is it my innate incapacity to allow growth that has left me in this position.

I wonder if women who are over 32 actually feel grown and maybe it explains why a majority of my friends are a lot younger than I am. Funny enough it is only when I experience what they go through that's realise that growth might not be the number of years in existence on earth in as much as it's about physical experiences of life. I felt more growth in the past 2 years than any other time in my life, the experiences that sometimes made me angry and left me feeling like a little girl have actually grounded me into a certain woman....

In the ways that my heart is young and optimistic, accessible and open it has, as a Woman's does, acquired the necessary walls and carefully maintains the ones worth keeping. But in those walls, only a woman knows where the doors are and who is worth letting through. My gut, my instinct alerts like a woman.... it knows the difference between “right,” and “not right for me.” My heart, is no longer an empty room, with a "come one, come all" sign, waiting to be filled with someone else’s stories, likes and dislikes that I'd hastily claim as my own in an attempt to keep them.

That heart vessel doesn't say "Unoccupied," waiting to be invaded like it had been before... It stays FULL and entertained while deliberately awaiting the arrival of one worth re-arranging "the things" for. As a result I am no longer as good in giving advise as I was before because keeping my thoughts into anyone's stories longer than my own has been prohibited.

Unlike a Girl, I know that things take time. That nothing comes to full bloom in a day. I’ve relinquished the need to have all the answers, or to make you see things my way. Unlike a Girl, I know what it feels like to try and fit a square peg into a round hole, but now, rather than attempting it, I see the pieces for what they are and let them be...

Unlike a Girl, I don’t wish to be lighter skinned, or taller. I don’t wish for my hair to be the way that hers are. I don't even compare relationships.... I know that no one has it “better,” we each just have it “differently.” Unlike a Girl, I’m comfortable with transparency, even if you aren’t. That my words are only of value if they are genuine and without pretense.... that the interaction, relationships, contracts that say, or feel otherwise aren’t “mine....” and that’s okay.

Unlike a Girl, as a Woman I don’t look to be anyone else.... and the “exemplary examples” that I hold ideal, as Mentors I humbly acknowledge will and have made their own mistakes. That the only true guide you have is YOU. As a Woman, I find that power terrifyingly exhilarating....unlike a Girl, I’m prepared to harness, feed, listen to my own True North.

I’ve learned to identify closed ears and closed hearts. I've learned when to slow down, speed up, or just stop completely. As a Woman I’ve learned the power of graceful restraint, coming to know when what you ache to say is already spelled out, a woman learns to trust subtle knowingness. She learns that words are the smallest part of the whole, as fun as they are to play with.... play can be spared.

A Woman knows that despite everything, she will be alright. She knows the well of resilience and strength that resonates through her whole being, even when she can’t bear it...she can do anything.

As a woman I trust my ability to love selflessly and selfishly in equal measure, inward and outward.

While having grown as I say I have...I still need my Dad. I still want my Mom to like my outfits, guys to like how I look and hubby to think I'm hot. The parts about being a Girl worth keeping are there....they’re playful and raw, completely, softly discernable....

While ALL the years, the lessons, the introspection of a Woman exist, freely and proudly, I embody that which I've wanted to become..... and embrace that it's all still a process....

You are damaged goods

2014-07-16T05:06:00.003-07:00

I just watched people walk out of the gym. They're walking exhaustion and they are every shape, size and color you'd find in a bag of halloween candy (okay, there are not any purple people yet).

Some are obviously strangers chatting, some are with friends and loved ones. Some are alone. All of them are damaged, all of them a mixed bag of frustration, happiness, battle scars and optimism. I'd venture to guess each has seen their heart's hope challenged in numerous ways.

I'd venture to guess some are walking towards their next emotional boxing match.

Thing is, no one isn't damaged. Flat out, we're each struggling to find our place if we succeed at 'that' it simply means we've learned to except that the human condition is one of perpetual imperfection. We fear our own emotions, and we most certainly fear the vulnerability that each new person in our life represents. Sharing our lives with someone is our most courageous endeavor; never meant to be easy and never meant to anything more concrete than a commitment to the process.

Everyone wants someone who's damaged. It's the ones who think they aren't you've got to look out for. Damaged, crazy, quirky, weird, unique; we're all just looking for the damage that shines in the light we see the world through.

What I'm saying might sound like a cliche, but...it's the imperfections that make a person interesting, loveable, and human. When you live hard, when you love, laugh, work, play, all so very, very hard, you're bound to bust a few bones, break a heart or two, and bear bruises, sometimes for much longer than we'd like.

But, that's LIFE. I, for one, wouldn't want it any other way. Especially because that healing process can be oh so sweet.

I haven't been consistent in writing because I've been damaged, in so many different ways at many different levels. Each day I get better and though I thought this year was hard and harsh, things seem to be moving in a better direction.

Me? I helped fix me. Obviously the me that was broken and battered didn't have the capacity to do the mending. But the person I became, going through the fog and drudging through it at times became someone that showed the old (broken and battered) me that no, I can't be broken and no I will not allow someone outside of myself to have so much control. They don't deserve it.

Daily questions and daily non-acceptance of my current state in the muck absolutely would have continued if I didn't have people. People that allowed me to just mope when I needed to (compassion) and brought me dancing anyways (distraction). Danced to the point that I felt free again. But only I could remove the shackles.

Yes we are damaged goods... And I bet we wouldn't have it any other way 😍

Inspired...

2011-10-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

From this....

To this

l might not have ARRIVED where I wanna be, BUT I damn sure LEFT where I used to be...

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2011-10-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

I take my phone with me to the bathroom. Do you or anyone you know do that? Is it just me? Am I the only one who's self obsessive enough to think that the world will explode if they cannot get hold of me even if it is only a mere minute or half that I’m going to the bathroom? I honestly don’t know why I think I’m that important, but I know I am judging by the way my friend Thembi gets all wrapped up in a tangle when I miss her calls which I admit I never return promptly, then proceed later to call her hubby whom I have a lot of business chats with. Now I do return her call, just not promptly but by that time she's called me all sorts of nasty names which even a free for all blog like mine cannot admit to.
What I'm saying I've grown to create this brand in me that people simply cannot wait to chat.

Now today as I took the iPhone to the bathroom it plummeted down the loo hole and I actually saw it sliding off my thighs but I guess there were just not enough time to save it.

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My intuition tells me I'm not yet there

2011-10-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Intuition is such a strange feeling, it's like the 6th sense for real. Something so real and tangible you can almost taste it. I knew from a young age, as we all do if we’re tuned into ourselves and our intuition when things just didn’t feel right...

For the past few days I’ve been wrestling with this feeling of unrest, attempting to find the “rightness” in where I am in this moment. Constantly feeling unsettled is driving me to the brink of insanity. I should be happy because in all honesty the world has been my oyster, but yet I have this tingling sensation that I'm not quiet where I should be in my life, weight and career.

Just for a moment I’d like to shut it off, forget the “big picture,” and convince myself that I don’t need to keep searching for fulfillment. You know just loose myself in a few days of drinking and pure indulgence and quiet that voice that keeps telling me there’s more out there.

Yesterday as I was spewing all this craziness out to anyone that would listen, my mom shed some much-needed light on the situation:

That ability to tell when things aren’t right is a blessing. It’s the Universe’s way of guiding you to something that fits better for you. If you didn’t have that you’d never move forward, never get out of your comfort zone, and never experience some of the greatest things life has to offer. That nagging feeling is there for a reason – it’s pushing you in the right direction.

The truth is, she’s right (yes mom, I said you’re right). Every time I’ve made a big move in my life it was spurred on by this feeling that there was a better place for me, that I had the capacity to experience even more happiness than I was already experiencing.

It’s not about failing to find happiness and beauty in the current moment, or looking outside for solutions to internal problems, it’s about allowing these feelings, something most people find as inconsequential – to serve as a guide to what should come next.

Out of all the things we strive to accomplish in our lives, I believe that nothing is more rewarding than experiencing a deeper sense of joy. The fact that we are able to discern between what will bring us closer to this state of being and what will take us further away – is amazing.

I still have that feeling of unrest, but instead of allowing it to represent what is currently lacking in my life, I’ll choose to see it as a guidance tool, a much needed and very clear indication that I have some really spectacular things waiting for me just around the corner...

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To my heartbroken friend

2011-10-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Heartbreak...Possible loss of love, I was avoiding writing about this because the idea of ever feeling NEEDY, HEARTBROKEN, OR DEPENDANT, have all been emotions I've always run from, I prefer a dreamy life of constant happiness while you on the other hand have spent the majority of your life as an adult avoiding letting anyone love you. Well love in the strictly romantic sense. In the beginning, I don't know that it had all that much to do with rejection, but more fear of codependancy. Losing self reliance. Fear that LOVE would in fact find it's way to nuzzle in between you and your dreams and therefore work as a barrier. And to you, the ability to rely on self was enough. Until YOU decided to love, until you decided to BE that person "in love". To actually, fully, completely, be taken by another person and allow space between yourself and dreams, figuring that if it were real, nothing else mattered.

When it comes to our friendship it has always been love, because with friendship- it's unconditional. With romantic love, ideally, it should be unconditional...but there's a sense of fear in romatic relationships: fear of losing, fear or heartbreak, fear of disappointment, fear of losing yourself etc. With us, those fears aren't there...you know, no matter what, that you'll remain YOU, and I'll remain me...we'll always be two complete and WHOLE individuals, benefiting from one another rather than taking away from one another.

With fear involved the ability to rationalise, not become too needy, not worry yourself into sleepless nights or change yourself in order to "keep" someone, becomes a constant...out of fear of loss. Fear changes all logical thinking, whether is fear of losing or fear of commiting. Fear fixes an idea in your head, a pessimitic and stubborn idea. The road you're on , or the person you're with become fear's warped version.

Without communication, full, complete and honest communication and truth, it's difficult to know where one another stands. And that is where the fear sets in. And too often relationships come to an end from ill communication and worry.

So rather than letting romantic love....this magnificent emotion, just be, there's a desire to grip. So that you won't get hurt. So you won't have to experience loss. It isn't just a person you're losing but a significant piece of yourself, a you that only THEY know. An unfiltered, raw version of you. The you that is open and warm,without rules, without limitation on HOW MUCH to love, how much to give and wanting so badly, to be unconditional...and wanting them in turn, to be unconditionally in love with you.

With love there is risk. Ideally, all love should be received- realistically, it is not. So do you choose to avoid love? Regret it? No. Of course not.

You could become bitter, say f*ck that, not again. But I know you realise that it wouldn't serve you, in any way, it only makes the loss more painful. So are you hurt? Absolutely. Apprehensive about the future, about men? Absolutely. Do you have questions, do you wake up and say "what the fuuuuck??" every morning? Yep. You do. Do you wish things were different? YES. Do you wonder if there will ever, be anybody that will compare to him, make you FEEL that again? YES. Constantly. But, would you erase it...would you change all of that mixed up, ecstatic, hopeful, frenzied, confusing, sincere, uncenscored, and TREMENDOUS feelings, that was and is undoubtedly love? NO. You wouldn't change a thing. And though there's a piece, a whole large piece that he has, only he knows, and only he will ever know- I know you wouldn't ask for it back. I would only hope he would cherish it, recognise it. Unconditionally.

Wounds become scars and scars heal. And fear has no place next to love.

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My TO DO List

2011-10-23T02:17:00.000-07:00

For so much of my life I've had this neurotic nightly procedure, where I sit down and write a to-do list for the next day. Even when there was really nothing "to-do", it was more or less to give me a sense of purpose. A sense of stability. I have always thought of accomplishment, or accomplishing something as a result of strength and drive. It is in fact those things, but I'm realising strength and drive, perserverance- dont always end in the typical terms of "accomplished." There isn't always a happy ending, a trophy with your name engraved, a bonus or a promotion.

Sometimes the endings are messy, sometimes they're painful, or sometimes they're nothing at all. And so often you pull through situations with nothing at the end to show for them. Rather, you've changed leaps and bounds, internally. And the only person that understands that is you. So yes maybe you dont have something to "show" for it, but tangible or not, endings- in any sense, need to be acknowledged within for the lessons you've learned and the beginnings you're now in.

Meanwhile, your ideas of the "new beginning" may not reflect your idea. So yet, another change...and hopefully- medals or not,"perfect" or not, you can acknowledge your strength to persevere. To continue.
Life is better without lists. With lists you're only looking for what you already KNOW, without them...the opportunities, the knowledge, the observations, the day before you can be better appreciated and remaining open makes your ability to appreciate "what is" less of a struggle.

So I continue. With grace and fortitude....

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A little note...

2011-10-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Haters are a waste of your time! Never come down off your chariot to fight peasants throwing tomatoes. To those of you that work hard, all those grinding....Never disappoint your servants (the haters) keep rocking hard!!

Signed
Mmabs the Grinder....

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This time, I got exactly what I deserve

2011-10-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

The case of a really bad X. Why do they call? Every time I hear something from this particular one it's like pulling at the edges of a healing scab and each time it scars a little bit. It's like taking a fresh open wound and marinating myself in sea salt.

There's really no sensitive or kind and gentle way for someone to tell you that they are through that they stopped loving you enough. Loving you enough to continue working at your relationship, looking in your direction, reminding you that you were once adored and valued and made to feel like you were the only girl in the world. I suppose he could've been worse, he could have said something worse than, "We keep fighting about this issue, end, It's just exhausting, and it's no longer fun, it does not build me up."

You're right, it was probably exhausting towards the end, when you'd pulled so far away from me that I clung to the glimpses and bits of you that I still had, because I knew eventually those would be gone too. You're right, it was probably exhausting to sip a beer and ignore the cell phone while you were perched on your sofa at home, too worn to figure out how to send a simple text message letting me know you weren't dead while I would lay in bed all too familiar with the outline of where you should've been sleeping. You're right, you were probably exhausted. You were probably exhausted to see that when you were available for me for just a MOMENT, you were mostly talking me back down from a cliff one that you'd pushed me to, every time you stopped letting me in, meeting me halfway, meeting me at all. Every time your priorities, your dreams, your needs were put in front of mine, I stepped one step closer to the the deep end of us.... It was probably exhausting keeping me around when you stopped having a need for me in your life, you're right.

But there's one bit of that sentence that I really could not get and this is where your definition of "building up" and mine were radically different.

Did I not build you up with months of encouraging, supporting your dreams.....grabbing you by the shoulders when you needed a good talking to,when you were doubting your abilities and I'd look you in the eye and say, "I believe in you. You are not giving up.... " or I'd say, "Baby, everything is going to work out, you're amazing." Did it not build you up to give you a heart and an ear that weren't judging you, but listening, lovingly- did it not build you up to be the one thing that was always safe, steady, available and unyielding in my loyalty and belief in you?

If that's the definition of "not building you up" by taking everything I knew you wanted and saying, "HERE. HAVE IT." then I'm at a loss. I'm even at more loss as to why you bother now.

Maybe let me lay out just what exhausted ME......how about what didn't build ME up?

How about all of the times your plans trumped mine, your music, your career, your need to "be inspired" at the expense of me, your mood swings, your inability to communicate, your past, your fears of inadequacy and failure. It was exhausting cheering you on from the sidelines and being overlooked. It was exhausting to quiet that little voice inside my head that told me"something wasn't right...." and to nod along when you said, "Baby, I'll never leave you- you can trust me, I'll love you forever."...it was exhausting knowing that you were only going to mean that as long as it was convenient for you.

I know you're aware that everything happens for a reason because in all honesty you didn't have "what it takes to support the woman I turn out to be everyday and that you are not and never would have been good for me and I appreciate that admission. But really, all of this wasn't about ME....it was about YOU.

This time around I found what will builds ME up.....the man I'm with does not look at caring for me as a "chore." I don't need to beg him to take me anywhere. I never need to worry that his eyes are wandering in the direction of other women's hearts and beds. This time around I'm built up by a man who has a foundation strong enough for me to stand on- one that he's proud of, made up that of hard work, honesty, passion, loyalty, motivation,follow through and deep kindness. But where the "real stuff" is, the stuff that matters- he is able to see, he is able to recognise what "wonderful" really means in his life and it isn't measured by what he can get out of the relationship but it is made up of his family, his LOVE, the way he LIVES and his character.

This time around, I do not spend all of my time doing hard labuor to build him up, we both, work together building each other up with affection, stability. This time around, I got exactly what I deserved and that's not YOU!

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Cheers..toast..bravo to a detachable penis

2011-09-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

The note reads " Bitch kindly stay away from my man, he is mine and you cannot steal him away from me. We come too far!" I start by laughing it off with her until I realise that she is laughing out of anger and it actually does not strike her as funny. Lindi is really hurt because she hadn't the faintest idea that "he" had another woman, at home. She starts typing back and I hold her hands....Not again. The best is to say nothing back, thats where the power is. Instead of the world bitch being thrown around so much it looses emphasis and meaning, instead of an ongoing cycle of pin pointing at the wrong direction, do yourself a favour and get a compass please!

I find that we're too scared to face up to the one you have any form of contractual agreement of fedility with. The one who probably initiated any form other relationship in the first place. Have you ever sent an email sms or dare I say it... a "please call fuck you" to a lady you believe to be stealing your man, SHAMELESS! Thats so high school... In your 20s laughabe; you're 30 its plain ridiculous, you're 40? Get yourself a life! 50...well....there have been cases okay.What is it that we hope to achieve, like when you call her and tell her to leave him she actually will, because YOU actually believe you have YOU yes YOU actually have that much control over her?

I remember telling my man to break up with this girl infront of me, how stupid I must have looked considering that it did not end, it ended when I stopped pointing at her and focusing my energy on him. I was apprehensive, completely misrepresenting my self image. You have to measure what you're worth, any man that cannot stop doing what hurts you the most is probably not worth the clay they are built with. He's got you running around and around in circles over him. You truly believe that he is being stolen?

Let me give you an oxford dictionary meaning of the word 'stealing'. "The actus reus of stealing is usually defined as an unauthorized taking, keeping or using of another's property which must be accompanied by a mens rea of dishonesty and/or the intent to permanently deprive the owner or the person with rightful possession of that property or its use" which is to say that that possession of yours you define a man is an object which is so passive and that is so mute and oh so stupid that another person is accused of depriving "the rightful" owner with rightful possession or of its use LOL. You dumb girl. Ladies we need a revolution I am so tired of how women treat other women as they would the devil himself, as though our men are innocent sheep and we are the herd man, poor powerless sheep that are only hooked by thieves. This is my lesson for you today...

1. Stick a "this sheep belongs to" sticker on his forehead and back so that when next he decides to let his mind wander" i.e let his penis loose" she can give you a tinkle

2. How about you keep him chained to a chair at home, that way you can always know where the hell he is

3. Lets stop the female on female insults, ladies please, its over played!

Men cannot be stolen, in fact if they could - in a perfect world, they would come and go like seasons, thats just how they are built. And we... I wonder if we would mind so much where he went if we could possibly always know where his penis was, like which nasty hole it was about to enter into and remotely freeze it into "lame dick mode"or possibly detach it every time he walks out the door, umqhwebe and say "aaah aah..., you forgot to leave something behind.... " as you move forward to swiftly pull it off him because thats the only time we can file for a stolen case in my book.Would we really care who he talks to late at night? Would we care that much of club nights with the "boys". Only in the perfect world. Thats what we should order next century...men species that come with a detachable penis ...problem solved!

STARTED MY HARD ASS WORKOUT THIS MORNING....YEAH TO A HARD AND TIGHT ASS!

Be Kind

2011-09-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

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Putting on an Act... for a good course of-course.

2011-09-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

A lot of not so great things have been happening to me and around me, it's sad that I cannot actually share them in detail to avoid implicating myself and complicating things unnecessarily.

I live (no I lie) I work in an environment where you always have to watch your back. You have to arm yourself like a warrior ready to charge on command. I survive by putting up different versions of me to face discard the 'enemies' because when the going really gets tough I refuse to perceive everything as working AGAINST me and rather, as working creatively for me and the betterment of my SOUL.

I'm realising (slowly so) that sometimes life doesn't DO what you want it to, but instead brings along winds of change that come crashing through and momentarily disrupts your imaginary destination. You see, I'm so fixated on the cracks, the pieces that are chipping and I'm constantly scrubbing out the imperfections, always watching with a close eye, always planning ahead as a consolation for the “imperfect” today.

They say it's lonely at the top, and as I graduate towards the highest position in my career I realise it's actually zero, cold freezing up there. And the real question is am I ready for it?

My mentor and friend Proffesor Mayaba said to me this week "Leadership is about assuming a responsibility and not a status" and though he was not directing the statement to me, it left me feeling that I have to take a moment and question my real intensions, am I ready for the responsibility or am I craving the status...

I've noted that there is a different MMABS for every moment; the ME when I'm at home in Creighton (lazy, wishy washy but happy) ; the ME at home in Montrose (bubbly and loud); the ME when I'm around my friends (haven't seen her in ages because I've hardly been around my friends so I can't remember her) the ME at work (smart; sharp bothering on bitchy). It's like being in Hollywood like I'm putting on an act. It's what we all do to gain a certain perception from our audiences in life. We can't afford to be the same everywhere we go because we will miss the point, loose focus and the ideal result of our intensions . People will swallow me alive if I were the MMABS I am home whilst at work and vica versa, trust me I tried being the Director of Corporate Services at home and Sydney quickly put me down to size...I tried the soft motherly approach to managing staff at work, I ended up with a pile of sick notes on all Mondays and Fridays... need I say more?

The only reason we withhold from expressing our AUTHENTIC selves, is because we think, IF we choose to express them, there’s a chance we would be taken advantage of; we won’t be received with a warm heart, open arms and gentle understanding.

Whether its from OURSELVES, or the people around us -if we knew, with unwavering certainty that people would be KIND, our ability to live in harmony with who we actually are and all of our choices would be much more uncomplicated wouldn't it.?We would probably sleep more easily at night.

I have not lost an inch in a while, it's time to get back on those machines I hate so much and crunch my weight down to decency mode.

I'm also talking to you...

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NUT - You are no longer the boss of me...

2011-09-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

There is a place that I've been to. Each time I think of it, I get a fever, literally raise up my temperate to the point of getting a physical life threatening seizure. I'll be brave enough and I'll say never again...

If you know me well, as me in person than you know exactly what the word Utrecht does to me "shrieks".... Emadlangeni "shrieks even more..." well I've finally gathered the courage to go back in time and visit a town that represent the most painful (to the point of demonic) memories of my life marriage and career...

And I had said never again, never again will I take the N3 route leading anywhere near over that direction, in fact I've not taken that route since December 2009, yep, not even to go as far as Howick... Why, because it's murder what I went through and though I'm a firm believer that God was teaching me lessons to become the wonderfully blessed woman I am now, somehow I curse the day Utrecht and I met. There were good memories ofcourse don't get me wrong. There are even wonderful people whom I knew and worked well with but beneath the surface is an undeniable stench of filth and rot that keeps choking me up as I whiff it up with every fresh breeze. Just the thought of it grinds life to a halt.

My life now is a Mountain of Roses in comparison to what it used to be. I laugh harder than I ever thought possible, I actually want to wake up each day and head to work. I'm lighter on my feet because of the weight the unnecessary fat I carried from eating my depression away. I almost ate my life away. I was hurting so much. I even remember a day I wanted to run my brand new car over a bridge near Newcastle and die. I wanted to taken my own life away because I could not see past the throbbing pain in my heart. What pain I would have caused to my family if I was no longer around, I now know that they need me more than the worldly troubles I go through. I know now how to endure. I was lonely yet surrounded by people all the time. There were vultures waiting to see me die and eat me away, everyday they stood awaiting lingering for my blood.

There is an R Kelly song "Prayer Changes" do you know it? It speaks testimony to me because I am indeed living proof that prayer changes everything and when I said He had left me, I felt He responded very clearly. Adamantly. “I didn’t ask you to believe in Me. I asked you to believe Me.

I don’t mind telling you that my life changed dramatically after God interrupted my comfortable pace with the “theme” of belief. Some of it has been excruciating, and some of it has been the most fun I’ve had in my entire life. I have a feeling this is the one theme I will probably run into again and again in the course of my journey. Why? Because without faith it is impossible to please Him. In other words, you and I will be challenged to believe Him from one season to the next, all of our days. And if we have even half a heart for God, He’s likely to shake our perimeters and stir up a little excitement.

Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging. Why? Because we’ve battled most of our strongholds for years and perhaps tried countless remedies in an effort to be free with very little success. The enemy taunts us with whispers like, “You’ll never be free. You’ve tried a hundred times. You go back every time. You’re hopeless. You’re weak. You’re a failure. You don’t have what it takes.” Every one of these statements about you is a lie if you are a believer in Christ. You do have what it takes. You have Jesus—the Way, the Truth, and the Life. But you can’t just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are.

Utrecht a town within a game park. Emadlangeni Municipality. It's me and you this Thursday. I'm ready I'm wiser I'm better I'm happier, I'm stronger - heck I'm even prettier.

WHY?

You no longer hurt me. You no longer give me headaches. You no longer give me sleepless nights. You no longer threaten my health. You no longer give me feelings of suicide.

You no longer cling to my every cell suffocating life out of me..... can I get an AMEN?

Mark 9 19-24

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Would you give your baby to a wire walker?

2011-09-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

A friend's daughter recently had to dress up in a storybook character, she chose Cinderella and as I tried on her tiara I was reminded of this love story we grew up to. The happily forever after, is it the reason why single women today still feel that they have to fall in love and find that prince?

As I tried on the tiara the daughter laughed but the mother was staring into space. Somehow I knew exactly what was going through her mind... This is the reason that I'm so happy that I will never fall in love for the first time ever again. The inspiration to today's entry, here it goes...

She expects, on some powerful, inexplicable level that “love” means BOOM! It means immediate, it means definite, it means certain. If you love completely and when you TRUST completely, it means you allow yourself to run into a cemented wall get hit right on your forehead, and knowing how bad that hurts, putting one foot behind the other and then running head first back into the wall again and again and again.

When you meet somebody, it's the same thing. You learn to know them through their words. You take their words as true and believe in them as though they were verses from a Bible.
You tell each other stories and paint each other vivid pictures of what you want them to envision your past as. Your "story" of who you are and why you're that way you are, where you've come from and the real reason behind your short temper. The "truth" is all based on the narrative you give each other.

Each one of you becomes the listener and believes what they tell you and then store their storybook on your mind shelf.

You learn to know where each of your insecurities come from, who you both first loved, when you were first hurt. You get to know how they like their breakfast. You learn their breathing patterns when they sleep and when they are awake. You learn how much of neat freak they are, how they never leave dirty plates on the sink overnight, that they are almost always forgetful even about the intricate details of the first day you met.

You learn to love them regardless of the fact they they smoke, that they'll always put you at risk of gaining more weight because they can never finish their meal without fried chips or bread on their plate and that hearing even a note of a Kwaito or Beyonce song makes their skin crawl. You learn their body pimples and imperfections, their "spots" and their smell.

What you know of a person for CERTAIN is what you see, what you feel and what you experience. What you don't know is that which demands trust for the things you don't see, things you can never see ; their past, their REAL stories, them without you.

Whether it's the beginning of a relationship, or eight years into one you have to practice that act of pure belief in their words. All you have to judge from are the words they give you and in turn, you have to surrender in that space where there's no warning signs or seat belts or even air bags. There's no user guide handbook from a previous user ( their ex) to steer you in the right direction. Actually everyone you meet is a second hand good which has been discarded for one reason or the other. There isn't a contract you can sign or an agreement firm enough to not only assure but buy you insurance against the risk of your heart's safety.

So how do you then, after that "first thing" first omission, first lie, first fabrication first oversight do you get back to that space when you aren't terrified of the being heart broken? One writer said "It's like handing your sleeping baby over to a person walking a tight rope and saying, "just don't drop them."

Yep love and trust is just that...I'm the person, my heart's the baby and he's the wire walker.

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The pitfall interview

2011-09-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

The rawness of my pain is so clearly, living, breathing on the surface of me. It is throbbing, it is accessible, it is conscious.

l find I am absolutely terrified of accepting the reality that either way,whether I torture myself or let it be, certain things in life are out of my short hands and that gripping onto anything will end up suffocating it.

I recently went on an interview that was going to escalate my career to another level with the clear hope that all will be well. I guess I never thought I would not get it because I have never attended an interview and not bagged the job. Success is so deeply embedded in me that I had grown a big head and I just could not see past not getting it. Failing was just not an option...

What the hell am I supposed to do when I fall down? Lay there in the dirt and hope I can find a long lost earring and that damn sock I've been looking for under the bed while everyone else steps over my defeated body and onto their LIVES?

I know that you cannot have it all in life yet I'm still struggling with reversing the thoughts that I've weaved into my DNA about what it actually means to want it all and to have it all, about what you have to sacrifice for career progression about what happiness looks like and if it exists at all especially in the political environment I work in. A place where your credentials are less in comparison to political alignment and preconceived connectivity, the superficial friendships which I simply do not posses?

I don't deserve any pity because I will try again- I try again because I am firm believer that WE are the ones who determine whether we're going to stay in on the ground, paralysed by disappointment and fear and regret, or get up and walk onto better opportunities and careers as people who have learnt our lessons, reinvented by our past pitfalls.

For now though I want to lay right here on my cold bathroom floor, in my despair, draped in my newly found victimhood. I want to eat unnecessary third helpings of food and chocolate.

I know that it will feel a little bit better in the morning.

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I'm Hung

2011-09-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I'm actually typing right now because I just woke up with the kind of hangover that makes you seriously weigh the pain of getting up to walk to the bathroom against the horror of wetting the bed. I chose to go to the loo... Now I'm trying to sleep off as much as I can which is to say that this morning is rough and that it’s pretty much going to be touch and go for the rest of the day. Especially since I’m about to leave to get to my mom in law's church service with a loud band and worship dancing which actually falls near the category I'd like to call “vigorous aerobic activity”.

To top it all off Nkhensani is at her loudest ever today, her highness is screaming at Neo and I at the top of her screeching voice and so please make “being a mother to a drama queen in the making” on a list of the worst possible things to do while suffering from this kind of hangover. Oh gosh did I just say that? I need to really get up to pray my thoughtless sins away huh?

Happy Sunday!

Wait.... Why do they call it a hangover? Is it because you feel like you are hung on an actual hanger like laundry? Or is it that you feel like throwing your self off a moving vehicle or the bridge perhaps, any pointers?

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I meant something in somebody's life :-)

2011-09-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

We, all of us, are the sum of our parts. We’re the sum of our memories, our plans, and our
deepest breaths. And, more than anything, we’re the sum of the people in our lives. We are who we are because of the tiny drops that other people have given us of themselves. I am who I am because of the delicious beauty of the people I surround myself with.

Today one of my delicious friends Lungile Nkabinde (a girl who never takes life that seriously, all the reason why this means so much) dedicated a song to me by Beyonce to me called I was here.

Her SMS read: My friend, I'm listening to Beyonce rite now track 11. It soo reminding me of YOU. You have definitely made your track in my life. You have touch my heart. You always give your all and always do your best my friend. You definitely love. You have always made a difference in my life. Thank you!:D ({})

Here are the lyrics to the Beyonce song: ah ah on second thought u want it google it....

Instead I'll paste a pic of my friend

Lulu thank you for making my week sweet honey dew, I don't normally talk about other people on my blog but you are worth it boo boo!

I wish my life was Pink right now

2011-09-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

The only way to describe the mood I’m in right now is to say that if I lived alone, I’d rearrange all of the furniture and paint one of the walls pink.

Do you ever have those days? Where you’re looking around at your life and thinking, “Something has to change.” Not a big thing, necessarily, because I’m calm and happy about the BIG things, which means I must be restless somewhere down among the details.

Here’s the trouble, I’m in the middle of a long-term thing, hitting that stretch of time where the initial high of starting something new is gone and the momentum of nearing completion is still a long ways off. It's like I’m two steps behind the starting line of the next idea, not crossing it because I’m scared or lazy or blocked or it’s just not time yet.

Restlessness is worse than any other feeling. It’s worse than sadness and anger and jealously and grief, because there isn’t any passion in being restless. There isn’t any heat or explosion, there’s just the slow twitching pull to do something, anything, to wake yourself up.

I said to you that I could not remember August, well after much consideration I remembered.

1. I finally made the decision to buy a car that's taller than me

2. I made the decision to keep Neo at Cordwalles even if it means I won't be staying with him full time because no other school is like it.

3. I enrolled Nkhensi to a ballet class

4. My sister Mpho got engaged to a sweetheart of a man - already planning out my maid of honour role.

5. I decided to take my vocal abilities more seriously, I'm going to record my first album

6. I stopped going to work and found every excuse to not be behind my desk, I realised I need a desperate career change.

See? Nothing that interesting, I need change.

Its 8:25 on a Wed morning, what do I do? Pull myself out of bed shower and get all dressed up in pink. I'll upload you a pic of me in my pink glory.

Hopefully I'll be inspired!

Update

Kiss my...

2011-09-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of this year I’ve lost just over 25 kgs and learned two very important -things in the process...

1. The first is that not everyone in your life will be support you or like it when you make a big lifestyle change.

2. The second is that the way people act toward you is often less about you than it is about them.

But, let’s start at the beginning.

When I temporarily quit eating foods that were obviously making me balloon up and started adopting those that were healthier it also included changes like eating breakfast each morning, something I never did before, smaller portions of food five times a day meaning I had to plan out each meal in advance and take time to do shopping lists and even more time fixing and packing the meals. I had no idea that that one small decision would be the catalyst for an entireIy new lifestyle all together. I could consistently sleep through the night for the first time like a younger me and more....well

People keep asking me if I’ll
be able to maintain the weight lost and I’m sure I will, but not until my body learns how to play nicely with other foods that are less healthier mostly consumed after a cocktail or Champagne. Though alcohol on a night out at Sprytz is great, there just isn’t a cocktail in the world that’s worth spending the entire day feeling guilty over or working out your poor tummy over after the greasy food that accompanied it. So I started drinking less which meant I stopped going to most of my favourite drinking / socialising spots. Stayed more at home instead with my hubby of 8 years.

I also signed up for my first PMB Spar Ladies race 18 September 2011. I had never been a regular exerciser, but it’s amazing how much newly found energy I had to exercise once I started sleeping 7-8 hours a night. It felt like, literally overnight, someone had given me my life back. And so, in a very short time span, I went from drinking a lot/not sleeping/never working out to not drinking at all/sleeping like a teenager/working out 4 days a week to follow my training plan though half heartedly at most times of laziness. After all of those changes, my astonishment at the rapid weight loss can only be explained by saying that I was completely unprepared for how many people would have opinions about the changes in my lifestyle and, more than anything, the changes in my body.

Over the past few months I’ve had people go on and on about how great I look, which of course brings up the nagging inner monologue of, “So, you’re saying I didn’t look great before?” and a whole slew of other insecurities. These are my issues, of course, but I find it really hard to know how to respond when people say, “You’ve lost so much weight!” in a tone that’s more like an accusation than anything else. Making me want to say " where was your super active reaction when I a short 1,55m tall girl of size 36 max started ballooning to a size 42 approaching 44" ?

And then there are the people who immediately question whether I’m eating enough, looking at me with an expression of fake concern that secretly says, “Well, she has to be doing something self destructive to lose weight like that.” In situations like this I feel incredibly defensive, almost as if I need to be armed with proof that I’m actually the healthiest I’ve ever been so that I can satisfy other people’s judgements, because it’s these kinds of judgements that make me want to punch people square in their private parts...I'm self destructive alright! LOL! But seriously it's unfounded because I'm still regarded as obese in the medical world and have yet another 20 kgs to loose.

But, after enough close encounters with my inner demon, I realise that actually, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Not about your body, not about your job, not about your love life, not about your hobbies, not about anything, not even about your mistakes because no matter how carefully you explain yourself, there will always be people who come charging at you with their very biased opinions. No matter what, there will always be someone out there who thinks you’re getting paid too much, working out too often, or you got married too early or you share too much on your blog or you're a possible slut or easy girl or you're too beautiful when instead they are pretty insecure about their sad state of affairs in their life. But who cares? This is what I say my beloved reader:

1. Stop trying to squish yourself under the umbrella of what someone else thinks is “right.”

2. You don’t have to try to make everyone understand why what you’re doing works for you.

3.You don’t owe anyone a list of details, and you’re not owed their opinions in exchange. Just like that old quote that says, “other people’s opinions of you are none of your business,” it’s okay to make a decision that doesn’t allow for an entire chorus of tag-along opinions.

In other words, it’s okay to tell people to shut the f...up once in a while so that you can focus on the voice that matters most: your own. I'm so sorry I came across so rudely but I'm not going to dance to your tune and ,look, I have feelings, personal growth and ish... and by the way I am actually hungry as he'll craving something Greasy accompanied by something Carby. Maybe they are right I'm just not eating "enuf".

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My BMW 525i

2011-09-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly starting to let my mind know that it's time to part with my beloved Mmabs-ZN. It's been a long time coming and though the thought of having somebody else drive what I'm most possessive over, it's time....

To my lovely silver star. You kept me safe from all the road accidents, kept me warm from the cold Utrecht trips and made me a general point of envy (and we know how we both liked that...). Your looks and my looks we took over little miserable PMB and tiny Creighton. For all the love, the journeys and the Sheer driving pleasure, I thank you, I love you.

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I did not wake up until it was September

2011-09-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

I hope that you still remember that my goal to run the Spar Ladies 5-10 km race is fast approaching. Am I ready well no... Ive been so preoccupied with the other angles of my life that i jad no clue that we had passed August and into September, honestly I cannot recall August 2011 where was I, but most importantly what was I up to? The first thing I'm going to do after completing this entry is to go through my August entries to remind myself though I have a feeling that I hardly posted at all in as much as I love sharing my life with you.

You know how I go. I get pissed off by someone I feature them in my blog starts going on and on about how I hate them or I receive flowers from hubby and I dedicate a whole entry to how much I love him, how I'm so happy, but you know what? If you’re a blogger whose blog is an online chronicle of your daily life, you would do the same. I think it’s applaudable for the topics you write about to grow as you grow and change as you change. You won’t have the same audience forever, because you won’t be the same you forever, and that’s okay. If you’re in love it’s okay to write about being in love. If you’re planning on switching careers, it’s okay for to have some posts dedicated to a life in transition. I have been toying with the idea of renaming my blog just that "my life in transition" hopefully no other Miss Knowitall blogger has scooped that title as yet.

Back to the subject at hand... I can't remember August so chances are I did not work out at all, I can't even remember eating in August either but I can almost be certain since I've not lost any more weight, or gained it, thank God!

My goal right now is to get fit again I don't have much time in which to achieve this but I am optimistic as hell and I'm stubborn which is to say I have enough confidence to pull this race off and more than that I have the will to succeed.

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Just Sit Down and remember to BREATHE!

2011-08-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

Alrighty...which version are we going with today? Candy coated and shiny which reminds me to tell you just how fab I looked at the Trey Songz concert..... or perhaps dull dark possibly cold and not so shiny? Yes, you all know how much I love candy coated shiny but I'll be very real this time around.

The things that people say about us really do hurt us don't they? They hurt even worse if they are untrue, and threaten our very existence if they are said by a person you do not know. A person who you cant tell from a dark or light because till they opened their loose tongue and called out your name, you had no idea of their existence. Let me just crack this story open...

This post might not even make sense to you if you are not the one googling me trying to find whatever joy you can, you might even think this post is about you, and it probably is.

I'm sad. Sad because no matter how far I come up, someone or something manages to bring me right down. And so down the pot I go I'm no fan of sinking or of the force of gravity in any manner even if it's short lived.

I feel that in the past few weeks I've been overcompensating for something or someone and broadly overindulging. I had no idea that I was actually inducing exhaustion and pain by being nice and open. Now I am here unhappy, being punished for my kindness. I'm forced to shove all the unsatisfactory parts into a suitcase stored way behind all the "happy" because I don't wear it too long, and do
you know what's happening to that suitcase right? It gets full. The sad stuff now has a distinct stench, an undeniable musk that is now given life to other equally dark "things."

Sad is only patient for so long, until it becomes a infested village of creepy crawlies feeding off of other creepy crawlies until it's one monster that's so big it wants to swallow you or your being, your very sanity. Or whatever you regard as sacred and worthy. I've recently got myself a NASA approved Tempur bed to sleep away all my sorrows now I have to go find a proper pillow that will really allow me to sleep all this shit off since actually exercising is for the ambitious and I'm a long long way from that word . After all "sadness" isn't exactly the most energetic or athletic emotion I know.

While I was standing near the edge of the beautiful garden in Montrose overlooking Pietermaritzburg, the place I proudly call home I remind myself to BREATHE, to take in the air and my peaceful surroundings , the time and the company I am with and the opportunities I had and have, I say- "I am grateful to be so blessed to be so beautiful and be the kindest woman you will ever meet on this earth. It's so easy to potray that as a sign of weakness, a sign of easiness and bitchiness a sign that you or I am an easy even loose woman but trust me I am NOT. I always remember to take a deep breathe because I know that it's actually the EXHALE that really matters. It's the letting go off all the negativity the threats that threaten to take over your life, the politics or those who think they are more politically aligned and can ruin your life without a proper tick box of facts and for no apparent or legitimate reason at all.

Ah.....yes, to breathe with intention of ejecting the nasty jabbing feeling until your paining shoulders have settled and you feel just a bit lighter, even if it is actually for a second because no one made you, therefore no one can actually break you.

Alright from hereon I'm going to exhale the sad. And let it go. I'm going to loosen the grip of it and like a warrior sacrificing a part of herself in utter devotion to some celestial divines , I'm going to raise my fighting game and I'm going to strike this thing, this enemy against the edge of something sharp and unyielding and I'm going to just let it bleed. I'm going to let her or it run empty and when it's bled out, and feed it to the leeches have their way. What choice do I have, I must fight too.Hey after all I did not choose this...but it Did."

When your heart is HURTING by senseless things and beings take a breath and EXHALE. Apparently it's where all the growing comes from, or so they say...

How in the world did you let yourself be hurt by this thing? Can you surpass the pain? Are you exhaling with viable warrior alert intention? Sit down and just remember to BREATHE.

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I Dream...

2011-08-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

I believe I've always been known to be good at creative thinking, and at times getting my friends out of sticky situations. Creating them SMSes love notes and such to beloved ones and at times not so beloved. Well that's because I'm good at dreaming, and creating wonderful positive images of myself and of others. It allows me to always see the good in other people, to detach from the bad things they've done to me and move on swiftly from a bad or negative situation and recreate it into a positive. As I get older I want to not loose this gift and keep dreaming.

What I have in my head is so much more magical than what's right in front of me, espescially right now, so I refuse to wake up. I dream when I'm at the gym, I dream when I'm ordering a drink, I dream in between the hours of staring at someone's face. I dream when I'm lying in bed while my husband is fast asleep away and while others are in the full wake of reality and it's bumps. I try not to dream when I'm in a meeting or driving, but unfortunately, it happens.

I dream about living the dream
( Well who hasn't?) I dream about the job I'm going to land or perhaps the job will land on ME - the job that'll pay me enough to be even more comfortable, the job that will put me on the same level as a CEO, a President of an institution. The job that I'll feel capable and happy at, the job that will help my itchy foot into the door of reaching the ceiling of success. I dream about the dream home I'll buy, how maybe it'll smell like the ocean. How it'll be cute and maybe small (okay NOT)but still, home.

I dream about finally publishing all the blog entries into a top selling book. I dream about writing TV series scripts, yes I do! And sometimes, when I'm really optimistic or Beyonce's Run theWorld song is playing in the background I dream of red carpets, size 34 dresses, and acceptance speeches.

I dream of finding more real ... Ok wait, that's for another blog entry all together.

I dream of health; happiness; joy and wealth. I dream of sliding my toes into something warm welcoming and oh so comfortable as though I'm walking on clouds and sighing a sigh of relief because i found this place and it is where I want to be forever.

I'm always reminded that dreaming so much is no doubt certifiably crazy. But this is me, the person I am and normal existence will never be mine in this uncertain life without dreaming. I also know that it's impossible for me not to believe I'll get everything I dream about.

This is what I dream about. This is what I will have. One day very soon. So let the countdown begin....5...4....3...

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Through my rose coloured glasses

2011-08-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

The Nike tops; fancy fitness shoes and sweatpants - all glittery and pink of course- are packed away neatly on the bottom shelf taking a well deserved yet unauthorised leave of absence. After having worked for endless hours on end, I doubt they will miss me or send me a postcard...they've run their course, no pun intended. The slamming my head against an unforgiving brick wall and asking for new weight loss results is also done, and it's as though my scale has a constant imaginary message beeping "You are not welcome anymore" followed by "Can't you SEE the results with your own eyes, you damn fool?" and times I also get a disturbingly abrupt and edgy "F*** OFF"!!!!

I have not worked out in ages but that does not mean I have not been loosing weight, I just have been loosing it through less conventional ways; slower and sometimes more yummy orgasmic ways.... Sorry Daddy for the uncomfortable imaginary pictures in your mind, but yes sex has amazing ways of shedding off the excess kilos ( in the tummy area). I've also been bike riding a lot with my hubby enjoying the serenity and tranquility of peaceful Creighton.

I am so proud of the perservence it has taken me to get this far. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be freely rocking some size 36 dresses I would have looked them straight in the eyes and told them exactly where to get off.

I guess that's the beautiful thing about life and it's folds- isn't it? If we can gracefully take a step back and look at our lives with a little less attachment to the versions we've visioned in our strict over imaginative minds, we realise that the version we are right now isn't at all bad, that it's work in progress and thats good enough, well at least for now.

I eat less garbage; less crispies; less dripping in oil fats; less fizzies; less pastas less meat...naturally. I'm dealing with all the fears and insecurities of the past one by one. My mind has transformed itself into wanting more fresh fruit and veggies; more water, I'm strangely more thirsty not just for water but for life, for the endless possibilities it brings, the prospects of a new career; the prospects of wanting and getting more love not just from others but from myself; from within. Its as though I'm constantly swimming in the sea of ambiguity and butterflies. Im in love with myself foremost. I'm a tad more ALIVE.

My friend Thembi recently remarked that I was starting to look like I did back at Varsity which is amazing because I really think I was small then. I'm so happy my friends, and I find that happiness attracts people around you who are just as happy as you are and also influences those who are down and out to be optimistic when around your aura, to see life through rose coloured glasses. It's almost as though I've revamped myself into someone new in a strangely nostalgic manner, which begs the question,have I been here before?

Something about my laughs and the radiance of my skin even without MAC reminds me that I've been this person before.... when my heart felt light and mind perfectly refined and rewired. At 31 I have grown into a stronger, wiser me that I have been before some time back. I find myself here again, with that same optimism, that same ambition and even larger, more dramatic fabulosity and perhaps slightly theatrical and over the top rose coloured glasses.

And by the way....Don't ask me anything about the race I was preparing for, just know it will be done just remember that I will be the one spotted in rose colored glasses.

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