Uzbek? Ubet!

CNN Reporter Wants to Hear about Your Adoption

2008-07-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

A (freelance) reporter from CNN wants to hear from people who have exchanged sexual favors for better service, a more favorable ranking, etc. So that got me thinking.. hey I bet there are some parents out there who made a deal with the USCIS, adoption agency, facilitator, or social worker.

It's okay honey. Ain't no shame in that. God knows what I've done for a simple Big Mac Combo Meal.

Here's what the (freelance) reporter submitted for requests:

"Have you ever used casual sex (outside a committed or dating relationship) to get someone to assemble that Ikea shelving unit you just bought, help you move, do your taxes, edit your masters thesis, cut you a deal on the rent, or any other favor? Or have you seduced the UPS delivery guy/gal, contractor renovating your kitchen, or any other laborer working in your home (and perhaps even got a discount on the work they were doing in the process)? If so, I want to hear from you: did your bartering tactic work, how did you feel after the fact, and have you used sex as a bartering tool again?

I also want to hear from those whove had sex offered to them in exchange for a favor (even if you werent asked to do the favor until after the fact) or contractors, landscapers, and the like whove been hit on while doing a job in someones home. What was the outcome? Did you go for it? Did you do the favor or cut them a price break after the fact? Did this lead to any later headaches or did everyone come away with what they wanted?"

Yes, this is a real request for sources.

Please hurry, her deadline is July 24.

Yo, Where's Your Frigging Homestudy?

2008-07-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Okay.. get your collective 'awwwww's out of the way.

I know (and I agree) that the stories of dogs, cats, dolphins, whales, playtapusses, and gophers adopting orphaned babies of other species is so gosh-darned cute. Who doesn't like to view pictures of those?!?!

But, girlfriends, I'm tired of those mommas just adopting orphans with little to no hassle. I mean, seriously, don't your insides just turn when you ready that Fluffy or Spot was able to take on an orphan without having to complete a dossier? Or submit to endless fingerprinting? How about trying to get through to Homeland Security, the FBI, and local police? Or not even trying to explain to the social worker why they run around naked and poop outdoors?

I mean, enough is enough. They should be forced to at the very least submit a homestudy report. Fair is fair.

And for your reading pleasure, I am posting a few photos of these (what I call) illegal adoptions.

Please Send My Name as a Write In

2008-07-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

How the hell did I get overlooked???? Those boogers were blinded by my beauty.

It's for the HOTTEST WEB BLOGGERS.

You know you wanna see me pose!

It'll be a dream come true for all you readers of my blog.

Click here and find how to protest that my name/blog wasn't on the list.

Babyluv Goes Nudi

2008-07-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, my love for Babyluv is as deep as the ocean.

Unfortunately, my immaturity is as deep as the ocean too.

I break out into uncontrollable giggle fits when I hear the words dicker, pussy willow, organism, penetrate, and sextuple. ((Okay this is really besides the point but believe it or not, I will come back to this point in a bit.))

Because my love is so deep, I wanted to find a way to not only show the world my love for her but to immortalize it as well.

Some people immortalize their love for someone by commissioning the Taj Mahal, others by naming hospital wings after their loved ones, and others sacrifice their only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But me, I found a more practical way of immortalizing my deep-as-the-ocean-love for Babyluv. I'm having a new ocean species named after her. It's a nudibranch worm. (SHUT UP! Worms are the cheapest species available for naming purposes). The international oceanography group is offering newly-found species to be named after people for a certain price. Here's how to do it.

Anyhoo.. I thought the nudibranch was appropriate because I would hoot with laughter because of the 'nudi' part of the name.

The whole naming thing costs $15,000. Does anyone have that for me to borrow? I mean, I could try to work something out with Eliot, Charlie, and Peter from the post below but I'm too much of a lady for that.

Translating 'ew' and 'ick' into Adoption Costs

2008-07-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Men. Especially married men. Those married to gorgeous women.

If you're like me, you've been tickled pink with the sordid details coming from Christy Brinkley's divorce trial. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband spent $3,000 a frigging month to pay for online porn sites. Oh.. here's an 'eww..ick' factor.. he used his webcam to film himself 'spanking his monkey.'

So.. let's take a look here how all this naughtiness could pay for an adoption.

$50 (notary, certification, apostille fees)
$15,000 (agency fees) ((NOTE: He spent up to $80k.. but I'll just do a 1-month breakdown))
$2000 for Christmas Day Romp (travel fees) ((NOTE: spent up to $35k))
$3000 (homestudy) ((NOTE: I feel bad putting her picture in it but no one really knows who he is when pictured alone.))

And there you have it.

Getting Ready for July 4th, 2009

2008-07-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Next year Babyluv and I will be hosting a July 4th bbq with hotdogs, burgers, firecrackers, and beer.

In fact, she'll be drinking with me.

Relax.. there's a new product on the market (at least in Japan) called Kidsbeer. There's an article on it titled: Kidsbeer proves hit suds for minors.

According to the article, Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic brew aimed at children, is catching on with young drinkers and is posting monthly shipments of 75,000 bottles, according to maker Tomomasu Co.

It goes on to say "kids and other people "can raise a glass with this, even if they cannot drink any liquor." Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults. "If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining." The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

The best part and the truth is the product's advertising slogan: Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink.

I get weepy as a proud momma picturing Babyluv saying "Damned Straight" to that.

I'd Toss Up Last Night's Dinner

2008-06-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

A sect in India has a very unique way to give strength to their babies - By tossing their babies off a 50 foot tower!

When Hell Freezes Over

2008-06-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Two things you need to know about me.
1. I gag at the sight and smell of poop. Seriously.
2. I'm cuckoo for infomercials.

Put those two together and I'm bound to discover something earth-shattering.

Introducing Poop Freeze. Honest to God, this is a product. Not a novelty joke but a patented product. It's going to change the world.

The premise is that if you're tired of trying to scoop up wet, runny, globs of dog shit, then all you need to do is spray this Poop Freeze on the goopy, squishy poop and it hardens so you can just tear it off the grass.

Well, in my ingenious head, I thought .. why not spray it on Babyluv's ass?? Instead of wasting Wipes and getting squishy poop on my fingers, just wait for it to freeze and then peel it off her butt.

I'll be saving the environment too.

God, I'm so smart.

Getting Your Parents to Help You Finance Your Adoption

2008-06-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

1. Some parents just hand over a check to help cover costs.
2. Others provide free babysitting.
3. And others really want to help you and be a part of the adoption process but just can't afford it.

If your parents fall into category #3, there's hope!!

There's a new rage nowadays called Elder Porn. Time magazine did an article on it. Click here to read it.

74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn, has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for.

Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."

Although films featuring women in their teens and 20s are the mainstay of the industry, a trend toward "mature women" has become evident over the past five years.

Ryuichi Kadowaki, director of Ruby Inc. which specializes in "mature women" titles, says that when the company started the genre a few years ago, the term referred to actresses in their late 20s, and last year it was expanded to ladies in their 70s. And the company sees the advantage of the "mature" titles is their enduring appeal: "Adult videos with young actresses sell well only in the first three months after the release," Kadowaki explains. "On the other hand, 'mature women' films enjoy a steady, long-term popularity, which after 10 years or so might lead to a best-seller." And then there are the cost savings — a popular young actress can earn up to $100,000 per film, while a mature actress is paid only $2,000. The market for "elder porn" has doubled over the past decade, according to Kadowaki. "In the view of the aging society," he adds, "I think that in the future we will see a steady increase in demand."

So... get a head shot of your momma and poppa and send them to the film companies specializing in 'mature' actors!!

Your parents need to pay their grandparents' dues in cold, hard cash.

Hey Kazzers... Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

2008-06-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS :: BREAKING NEWS ::

June 17, 2008 -- ALMATY, Kazakhstan - Kazakhstan's sole communication satellite, used by many of the nation's TV broadcasters, is out of control due to a computer glitch and may be lost altogether, officials said.

Kazakhstan launched the Russian-built KazSat-1 in June 2006, the first of four it aimed to have in orbit by 2020. (click here for the story)

Bring on the Borat jokes. Now folks, doesn't your dossier in-country get logged in their computer system?

God Bless the security and serenity of international adoption.

Flawless.

I Can't Afford a 6-Pack of Hanes Panties... How Can I Afford a Baby?

2008-06-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

U.S. News & World Report posted this Cosmo Magazine-like quiz about whether you can afford a baby. And guess what... I took it! It's kind of surprising that I subjected myself to the humilitation because just yesterday at Target I had to return a package of Hanes Panties (high-cut briefs, FYI) because I didn't have enough cash between that and nail polish. The latter won. Story of my life.

Anyhoo... here are the questions and my thoughts:

Do you have $5,000 to $10,000 worth of savings in the bank that could go toward baby-related costs?
All of my savings are going toward the fricking airfare and extra baggage charges just to get to the fricking damned country and to pay the fricking document fees. So.. my question back to you, Mr. Quiz, is do these monies count toward adoption fees or is this after-the-adoption? If it's the latter, I'm royally screwed.

Could you live on around $1,000 less a month, the average cost of child care? If you or your partner plans to stop working, can you support your lifestyle without that second income?
Partner?? Second income?? $1000 less a month??? Hooboy.. I needed that laugh.

Do you know the details of your workplace maternity or paternity policy?
Yes, and they are crap. I plan to file long-term disability as a result of all this adoption stress. But shhhhhh... don't tell.

Could you afford to add an additional dependent to your health insurance?
I believe this is what SCHIP, welfare, government cheese program is for.

Do you have an emergency fund that would cover at least three months of living expenses?
See previous answer.

Do you have life insurance and a will?
Yes.

Would you need to buy a new home or car before expanding your family?
No. I have no shame in moving back into my parents' house. Again.. this is a 'shhhhhh' issue. They haven't a clue.

Obviously the article/quiz wasn't written for adoptive parents and those of us dishing out over $40k. I think this quiz was meant for those who invest $1.99 on faulty condoms.

In any case, I still managed to score a decent score.

Click here to take the quiz.

Milking My Maternity Leave

2008-06-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Leave it to the alcohol companies. They are the true corporations looking out for your best interest.

If you're like me, you're in a dead-end job with a shitty maternity leave policy. I get something like four weeks off. Really, how much bonding can you with a kid that has spent her/his entire infancy in an orphanage without daily one-on-one interaction? It totally sucks.

So while drowning my misery in a few bottles of Mike's Hard Ale.. I came across their new viral marketing campaign. It totally rocks. It creates a fake news story about you..explaining why you ain't at work.

It also sends an email to your boss that reads:

Dear Dickhead (my words),

Because of what happened, I'm not going to make it in to work. You might think I'm just enjoying a summer day off in my backyard BBQing, but I'm really not.

I'm not sure if you saw my story on the local news so here's the link.

Click Here To See The News Story

Tasha

Click on it.. it's cool and safe for work.

I Wanna Be A Batshit Crazy Mom Too

2008-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not a mom yet, but I play one (in my head). So I do an ocassional (read: 2x daily) scan of some of my favorite mom sites. The one I'm totally digging right now is I Saw Your Nanny. It's fricking awesome.. in a nutty, paranoid, and elitist kind of way. The comments are the best part. They are time killers during this long drawn out adoption process.

Anyhoo...I just finished reading a recent post, Nudity Crackdown. In a nutshell, a mother complains that her nanny brought her little girl home in wet clothing rather than changing her in public because "the park department is cracking down on naked children at the park because of pedophiles hanging around and perverts standing around taking pictures? Has anyone heard of this? I was at Diana Ross Park on Saturday, (5/24) and there was water to be played in. Many kids were playing in it. Most had clothing on but 2 or 3 were absolutely naked. I thought this was a bit weird given that it was the weekend and there were fathers a plenty hanging out with their children."

Then the comments begin. Here are just a few of my favorites from the thread.

Mom A: If there is not a crackdown there needs to be. I am so tired of going to the beach, the playground or wherever and seeing people who have their children swimming and playing nude. Aside from pedophiles, what are you teaching your children about respecting their bodies??

Mom B: I get the whole pedophile angle and keeping your kid dressed but respecting your body? What sort of uptight repressed Victorian crap is that?

Mom C: Sorry, I don't think that teaching children to respect their bodies by keeping their privates PRIVATE is uptight at all. Sure, my kids enjoy a naked romp IN the house now and again, and I walk around topless IN the house regularly. But, when in public I feel they should be covered. A child under maybe 2 years old could be changed outside, no problem, but any older needs to use a restroom with privacy.

Mom D: Seriously?

What is wrong with you people? I am in the NYC area and I have not heard of a crackdown. True, nanny could be sparing a not so bright mama's feeling, but also it could be that nanny was lazy. Changing a child's cloths requires effort. The most effort I have seen a nanny display was wrangling the wrapper of a Mr. Goodbar in the 95 degree heat. She used her car keys, teeth and eventually, just her tongue. Oh I wish I had that photo!

Mom (I'm losing track already): No one wants to see their vagina's and penises hanging out.

Another Mom: To mom who is so grossed out by the penis or vagina of a 2 year old? Get your mind out of the slimy filthy gutter.

Mom i'm still trying to figure out how someone's vagina *hangs out* when it's an internal organ. do you mean *vulva*, the external part of the female anatomy?

Yet Another Mom:

THE SKY IS FALLING

THE SKY IS FALLING

THERE ARE PEDOPHILES WITH HIGH POWERED LENSES AND ERECT PENISES!

They are children. People have been having them for eons.

Get over yourselves.

Shit-Hit-The-Fan-Crazy Mom:Undercover regular..you ares oooo wrong..I have watched you and so many of your "Liberal,regular,fellow posters" for years now and I have got to tthank you all for getting us where we are today.

You all jump down my throat every time I post..I never see things the way you do and let me just tell you..we do have a choice..but thanks to %&44##@@ voters like yourselves..instead of taking care of things and keeping our families safe..you all do your liberal magic and these damn pedophile's..discusting shits that they are get out after rehabillitation..and over 60% of them violte again!!

How do you vote MMP, mom, Cali Mom, UNdercover regular, manhattan mama,sprak??

Tha bastards,if found guilty beyond a doubt should be hung..and then perhaps we would be able to take our children to the park, school or beach without worrying so much!!

Your posts anger me to NO end..you are all the same PC jerks who have caused this problem!!

And don't for one second try to play it off like you beleive in the death penalty ..you are the ones who vote to set these freaks free!!

Your posts over the last few years give you away!!

you are all anti spanking anti death penalty, pro ilegal alien, pro positive reinforcement PC dummies who have made our sick worl what is is today!!!

Kill the pedophiles and rapists,
close the borders
spank your child and get this country back in order!!

or stop bitching ..afterall you are the ones allowing them on the very streets your children play on!

...It's me again. Hot Damn!! I can't wait to be a gen-u-wine mom to join debates like these!!!

I'd Like to Thank My Sponsors

2008-06-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Remember when I asked ya'll to click like crazy on my Google Ads? Well, you did and I was set to get a check for a whooping 800 bucks. However, the stupid people at Google got suspicious as to how a little ol' adoption blog was generating so many hits and researched my blog. They said that I was violating the contract by encouraging people to click.

So then I was forced to walk the streets (the online streets, that is) and find a new pimp (ie: advertisers). I found some and I never asked ya'll to click. I think a total of 14 of you clicked because I've got a check for 14 cents coming my way one of these days.

I finally decided to actually look at my blog and see who was asking to advertise on my sight.

I took a screen shot. You can click on it to get a better view.

Hot damn!!

How did an innocent little ol' adoption blog generate such advertisers? They must think my readers are all pervs.

Momma Ain't Running in Her Newly Pedicured Toes

2008-06-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Toddlers.

Once they realize what purpose the legs serve, they are nonstop. Running everywhere and every which way.

Well, Momma ain't running after Babyluv every two minutes. I've got a martini to nurse, toenails to paint, and television to watch. I really can't be bothered working up a sweat looking like a branded pig running after a squealing toddler.

So I found this nifty gadget (and a swanky accessory to boot) that has a GPS installed. So, I'll let Babyluv run around to her heart's content and during commerical breaks or when my toenails are dry and drinking glass is empty, I'll just sashay a few blocks and bring Babyluv home.

The gadget is called Retreiva. Nevermind that it's a dog collar. It's actually the world's most advanced dog collar. So take that!

Plus, dog collars are the 'in' thing. It looks like high-tech fashion.

I Call Dibs (Part 2)

2008-06-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Wow. Ya'll seen the photos of the tribe in Brazil that has never had outside contact?? Well, I'm pretty sure I could whip up a dossier in a matter of days, if you catch my drift.

Countdown for some unscrupulous agency announce that they are "in talks with officials" to start a pilot program with the tribe in 5....4....3....2....

I Call Dibs (Part 1)

Photo source

A UZ Story: An Ambassador, A Hooker, and a Boiling Man

2008-05-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

God, how I love a good international espionage/thriller novel with edge-of-your-seat twists and turns.

And I love it even more if it's actually true.

Meet Craig Murray, an ousted British Ambassador to Uzbekistan who fell in love with an Uzbek um, dancer, and hear stories of torture where they, um, boil people alive.

Here's an article on the whole sorid yet edge-of-your-seat (yeah, I'm too lazy to look up 'captivating' in the theasurus) drama.

In a nutshell, this is what the drama is all about: (before I start.. I should mention that the article states "Uzbekistan sits in the cold, rough heart of Central Asia, shaped like a jagged bit of shrapnel from the explosion of the Soviet Union." I seemed to have overlooked that when I was drawing my 'sitting camel', 'happy crab' 'dead bird' outlines from Uzbekistan.)

Okay... back to the synopsis:

The British Ambassabor, after learning that the regime there, at the urging of the US and UK, allegedly boils a man to his death, visits a strip club in Tashkent. A stripper, who becomes the star of this story wonders '"Who is that old foreigner? Does he have any money?' The Ambassador, in his memoirs recalls that day slightly different: "As I caught her glance, I felt she was drawing me into her very soul," he writes in his 2006 memoir, "Murder in Samarkand" (called "Dirty Diplomacy" in the 2007 U.S. edition). "She looked lost and anxious, like she really didn't want to be there. She defied the impossible by exuding, at the same time, such ripe sexual attraction and such innocent vulnerability. Her body invited sex while her eyes screamed, 'Save me.'"

(my notes: hey perverted old man... you're in a frigging strip club. Of course there's going to be the sexual tension dripping through the air.)

In any case, according to the article, "He tucked $20 into her embroidered panties, walked away from his wife and two children and brought his belly dancer to London to start a new life together." (note: even I don't have embroidered panties. Mine are boringly plain. Anyhoo... back to the story.)

Fast forward through the debauchery and being caught for trading sex for visas - the Ambassador is fired. He claims this was done not because of his non-Ambassador-like behavior but because he stumbled upon the American "extraordinary rendition" program, whereby terror suspects are flown for questioning to countries where they can, um, boil people.

Oh yeah.. who doesn't love a good story of sex, greed, international politics, and human stewpots. This will make for some good bedtime reading for my and Babyluv.

Say Goodbye to the Anal Probe

2008-05-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've been warned. When picking up Babyluv at the orphanage, unbeknownst to her, she'll probably be hosting a party for parasites and other germs. (She gets her party animal ways from me. woot! woot!) Moreover, she'll most likely have a fever every now and then due to the change in her environment.

My fear is that I'll have to do the dreaded rectal temperature taking. I can't even bear to watch my vet take my dog's temperature. I just know I won't be able to violate Babyluv's 'bad touch' region.

Thank goodness I found this nifty gadget. It's a pacificer thermometer. How cool is this?!?

Just a Short Post

2008-05-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

What's a hot and sexy momma-to-be to do while waiting to meet her real Babyluv?

She looks for a temporary baby-love (note the spelling difference. Never, ever, ever confuse 'Babyluv' with 'baby-love' Two totally, totally different things).

Click here.

Hey Ethiopia

2008-05-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's Klaus from American Dad!

Hey Kgryxyzpqxzstan Mamas!!

2008-05-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

In honor of Suzanne who believes that Kzyxyzstan is shaped like a spleen:

Be proud like a peacock.

A cool shark with shades! The shades are from the shape of some major lake in the country. (ciggie courtesy of Tasha.. although I wouldn't recommend it.)

Hey Philippini Mimis!

2008-05-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Spotted dog catching tossed kibbles.
At the Dinosaur Display at the Museum.

Hey China Mamas

2008-05-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

See... it's a mama bird pointing.

I obviously have no motivation to work today.

Next week I'll do Krygyzestkdthsstan, Russia and Ethiopia. Am I missing anyone?

Hey Spazzy KAZzers

2008-05-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

You're welcome.

Hey VietnaMamas!

2008-05-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know how much I looove to make Uzbekistan easy to locate on the map. Here are my samples.

Well, I decided to bide my time and help out my fellow Vietnamamas when they get asked.. 'which one is Vietnam on the map?'

I think it looks a lot like an elongated and armless Calvin from 'Calvin and Hobbes.'

What do you think?