Unlawful Games

Unlawful Update

2021-11-20T16:20:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone it’s John G of Unlawful Games here. Just stopping by to remind y’all that I have moved over to https://www.unlawful.games/ where I continue to make strange and delightful generators for your games!

Somethings you might’ve missed out on includes a vampire generator, a clown generator, a magic sword generator, and a mushroom person generator.

In case you don’t know as well I’m happy to announce that Lowcountry Crawl 1.5 has been released and The Book of Gaub will soon be available to the general public.

I also still have an active Ko-Fi which I do mini-commission tables with and a Patreon if you are so inclined. https://www.patreon.com/UnlawfulGames

I hope everything is going as well as can be out there!

The Book of GAUB is LIVE!

2021-07-12T12:29:00.002-05:00

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lost-pages/the-book-of-gaub

Story

A finger trails the letters across a dusty tome.

A finger points the way down a dark haunted alley.

A finger feels for the pulse of life on a long decayed corpse.

A finger scratches the floorboards beneath your feet.

A finger chewed down to a white bone.

A finger that is not there.

A finger catches a shed tear and slides it into a bottle.

These are the Seven Fingers of the Hand of Gaub.

The Book of Gaub is a RPG supplement and anthology of creepy magic and micro-fiction, fit for all game systems and tailored to retro/old school D&D in the style of Wonder & Wickedness. Written by seven authors, their concerted effort fleshes out the Seven Fingers of the Hand of Gaub, manifest through the filigrees of cobwebs and nails, false memories, and nightmares you want to forget.

Aside from its core content - 49 spells and small tales - the Book also includes 100 terrible Catastrophes to invoke when its vile magic goes awry. 20 Monsters are bound in the book as well, together with insidious rituals to turn them to your gain. With some of the 49 bizarre paraphernalia in hand, you may begin your descent to the place where fear lies.

The Book of Gaub book takes inspiration from "floorboard and cobweb" horror; touchstones of this are The Babadook, Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, Stephen King's works like Misery and The Shining, and so on.

The Tide of Turmoil

The Book of Gaub is about 100 pages, and divided in four sections:

Spells - 49 micro-fictions and 49 spells, seven for each of the seven fingers of the Hand of Gaub, each finger tied to a different discipline of forbidden sorcery. Written primarily for any edition of That Famous Fantasy Game (including retroclones and other old school systems) but applicable across the board, the book presents spells without levels in the style of previous Lost Pages publications, such as Wonder & Wickedness.

Spells of the Finger that Points the Way

Paraphernalia - forgotten in abandoned homes, hidden in dusty attics, found in the pockets of cultists, a catalogue of 49 strange objects and minor magic items to help you bring the mood of Gaub to the table. Best gifted as random starting items to sorcerers.

Boarded and Gnawed Paraphernalia

Catastrophes - sticking your fingers inder the skin of the world begs disaster, and disaster you will have. The Book features seven grave catastrophes for each finger of Gaub, plus 51 generic catastrophes for all the other times when magic goes terribly wrong.

Literary and Pointing Catastrophes

Monsters & Their Uses - twenty horrible monsters made from the worst of our nightmares: six generic to Gaub, plus two for each of the seven fingers. Each monster comes detailed with stats, Means, Wants, Omens, and a way to turn the monster into an item, asset, or help. Often by capturing it and treating it truly horribly.

Cairn Geist

Rowan A./Monsieur Le Battlier: lead writer, artist, author of The Thawing Kingdom (blog, portfolio, twitter)

Charlie Ferguson-Avery: writer, artist, author of Into the Wyrd and Wild and Vast in the Dark (portfolio, twitter)

John Gregory/The Lawful Neutral: writer, author of Gourmet Street and Lowcountry Crawl (blog, twitter, itch.io)

Evoro: writer (blog, twitter)

Furtive Goblin: writer (blog)

Isaak Hill: writer (blog)

Paolo Greco: developer, designer, publisher of Lost Pages (blog, twitter)

Additional art by Trevor Henderson (twitter) and Enoch Duncan (twitter).

The Book of Gaub will be available in three editions:

Seeker - PDF - optimized for screen and for printing at home. 8£
Initiate - Hardcover - our team has printmaking and bookbinding experience, so we are aiming for a high standard. The book will be printed on thick cream paper by an offset printer, smyth & sewn, cased in hardcover with a rounded spine, clad in bookcloth, and given an embossed cover. Buying a print copy also gets you a PDF, so you can read and dream of Gaub while the hardcover gets made. 20£
Cabal - Kickstarter Limited Edition Hardcover - since some of you asked, and to celebrate the thirteenth issue of a Lost Pages occult book, we offer a special limited edition available only for the Kickstarted campaign: a local bindery is going to create a limited number of numbered copies and case them in a selection of materials for you to choose, with a range of sustainable leathers and synthetics available. They will the hand-tool the cover and the rounded and raised spine. We will not release more than 70 copies, priced at 100£ each: we understand it's a steep price, but we believe in supporting local bookbinders and their trade.

Backers for all levels also get temporary access to the rough, unedited development files.

Cover mockup - Initiate edition

Interior mockup

We want to deliver an awesome book without delaying delivery, so we carefully picked our stretch goals to not impact on printing and fulfillment.

£6000 (LOCKED) - 20 distressing adventure hooks, by horror connoisseur Jack Shear of Tales of the Grotesque and Dungeonesque and Bad Books for Bad People.
£8000 (LOCKED) - more art by Trevor Henderson. Because your night terrors are worth it.

We will uncover more goals as the campaign continues. Stay tuned!

We are trying to make shipping as easy as possible for you:

Shipping to the US will be collected after the campaign. We expect costs to be in the ballpark of 5 USD.
Shipping to the EU will be collected after the campaign. Our EU shipping partner will take care of handling import fees and VAT, so you are not going to be burdened with additional customs and handling fees. We expect costs to be not more than 5£.
Shipping to other locations will be collected after the campaign. We expect costs to be around 5-10£.

The Cabal limited edition will incur in slightly higher shipping and handling costs, as fulfillment will use a different process.

Risks and challenges

The biggest risks for this kind of project are fulfilling late, stretch goals and fulfillment. We have tried to reduce all the above as much as we could. To do so we have done as much work as possible before the campaign: the core of the writing is complete. Stretch goals for extra writing are of manageable size and the writers' schedules have been taken into consideration. Layout is also complete, any additional text requiring only minor layout work. Art is also almost complete, and are waiting for a limited number of contributions, which are already underway. We are not going to have extra items as stretch goals: in our experience they risk dragging on for a long time, and often fail to deliver. We have chosen instead to make our stretch goals part of the book, or digital: this is to keep manufacturing and fulfillment as straightforward as possible. Fulfillment is carried out by our specialist partners, which have been doing this for a while and for much bigger projects. We are also only shipping one single item, a book, which makes it easier for customs. Our shipping partner will take care of import VAT for EU customers, so you won't have to pay extra handling fees.

D100+ Tormented Locations & GAUB Announcement

2021-07-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

The following is a location generator for the forthcoming Book of Gaub project.

Charles Ferguson-Avery of Wyrd and Wyld, Rowan of Thawing Kingdom, Paolo Greco of Chthonic Codex, myself and others have come together under Lost Pages publishing to create a new work of delicious horror in the style of Wonder and Wickedness.

49 Horror spells with Mini-Fiction
49 Gruesome Magical Paraphernalia
20 Terrifying Monsters that can be dealt with or mutilated for magic power
100 Awful Catastrophes for those who abuse this wicked power
A̴̱̼͉͖͍̖͙̗͍̬͗̑N̷̘͇̥͍̗͉̖͆̔͘Ḑ̴̪̠̪̗̟̮̹̬̦͚̟̦̾͋̌̈ ̸̡͚̜͍̬̹̋̋̃͂̂̈͒͛̔Ṁ̸̧̡̢̱̩̤̠̹͖͚̦̪̦͗̇́͝ͅÒ̸̡̬̼̰̖̥̹̩̞͕̭͊́̋̆́̚Ŗ̴̥̜͍͓̼̺̐̅́̒͜E̵̛̜̣͖̻̬͍̻͚̠͛̀̊̀̀͒̌͐̓̂̕

Follow our page here and be ready!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lost-pages/the-book-of-gaub

D2 Hideous?

Yes
Y̵̨̛E̸̗̓Ș̶͆

D4 Severity of Corruption- Roll on d100 list a number of times equal to the roll here.

Touched
Tainted
Immersed
Beyond Respite

D6 This Place Is Too

Large
Dense
Cold
Moist
Quiet
Dark

D8 GAUB FINGER/Theme

Gnawed To The Bone- Consumption, waste, loss of self control
Not There- Corrupted memories, things beyond the veil, annihilation
Points The Way- Lost roads, lost causes, fear/thrill of being alone
Catches A Tear-Grief, misplaced and tainted love, manipulation
Trails The Letters- Forbidden lore, obsession, sacrifice
Feels for a Pulse- Disease, lost empathy, remorselessness
Scratches Upon the Floorboards- Unsafe homes, generational evil, dark secrets
Roll Twice and Mix

D10 Environment Descriptor

Charred
Labyrinthian
Infested
Drained
Rotten
Unholy
Lifeless
Poisoned
Lost
Overgrown

D10 Environment

Battlefield
Forest
Swamp
Village
Cemetery
Hospital/Asylum
Ruin
Cave
Hills/Valleys
Crossroads

D12 What Happened Here?

A terrible ritual was botched
A terrible ritual was fulfilled
Someone dug too deep
A prayer was answered
A wish was made
A seal was broken
Corruption seeped in over time
The psychic weight of a long series of grisly tragedies
A mass cult suicide
An experiment was carried out
A prophecy was fulfilled
A foul wind blew

D20 Transitions and Omens

A chill misty fog rolls in suddenly
A wrong turn is taken at a crossroad
You blink and the world is subtly different
Warning signs are posted and ignored
You can feel eyes upon you and breath on your neck, turn around and you are lost
In the days before reaching here, you have had waking dreams of this place
The air feels syrupy as you cross an ill defined border
Things are different after you looked in the mirror
All noises cease– no animal calls, no insects chirp. Every sound you make feels like it shatters the silence
A door leads somewhere that it did not previously
A curse is laid with a creature’s death rattle.
The map did not show this place yesterday.
It felt like walking through gossamer threads as you passed under the archway
Your heart races, your palms sweat, a panic over takes you then passes just as suddenly
A cacophonous wind rattles everything–windows, branches, bones.
A creature races past in panicked flight, its gait in unnatural and its guttural utterances disturbing
Stains spread out from the edges of things, looking not unlike a terrible seven fingered claw
Clouds gather, the threat of rain looms and the sky feels oppressively heavy
The past few days have been a blur, it felt as though you were a rider in your own body. Just now is the first time you’ve felt really, truly in control again.
An eclipse throws your world into darkness, the sun that peeks out once again is colder, dimmer

D100 Additional Horrors

This location repeatedly loops back upon itself
Dolls are hung up around this location, from ancient ragged things of scraps and sticks to modern plastic contrivances
Sudden severe weather shift
Always Night (Roll 1d8 to determine phase)
Always Day (roll 1d4 for Morning, Noon, Evening, Ever Shifting)
Even the faintest whispers echo
Even the loudest screams are muffled
Faces strain and press against surfaces
A sound is always nearby, but you never seem to get closer
The air tastes of iron and ozone here
A single flickering lightsource that leaves afterimages in your retinas
Illegible moss covered gravestones litter the area
Animals come to this place and throw themselves off the highest point
The colors are faded and washed out
Familiar voices whisper
1. Sweet nothings
2. Threats
3. Explicite blasphemies
4. Innermost secrets
5. Pleas for help
6. Frantic warnings
Plants, walls, the ground–it all bleeds when pierced.
An uncanny scarecrow or mannikin pops up wherever it is unobserved
An especially aggressive murder of crows or wake of vultures haunt the area
Ominous bird calls echo though none are seen
1. Vulture
2. Raven
3. Barn Owl
4. Screech Owl
5. Whippoorwill
6. Loon
Shadows are static here, changes in light do not change their strength or position
Natural sleep is impossible here, supernatural sleep is filled with psychosis-inducing nightmares
Wounds do not heal here nor do they kill, everything simply festers
Unless kept in skin contact with someone truly faithful, religious iconography burst into flame
Cooked food does not keep here, it turns to sand and grit in your mouth
New fires cannot be lit here, ones brought it must be constantly fed and are dimmer and colder besides
Truths cannot be spoken here, only blasphemies and lies
Dark temptations rise in those to stay here long, primal animalistic urges from the Id
Your heart stops here, nothing has a pulse, instead a cold tugging at your chest keeps you moving deeper.
Anything that dies here rises again and performs halting mockeries of previous lives
New memories of any importance can only be formed here by forgetting old ones.
Maps change, compasses spin, paths divert, this place actively foils all attempts to navigate through it
Everything is heavier here, everything is a strain. There is a terrible urge to lie down, give up, and sink into the soft earth.
A person waits here for you, they are immaculately beautiful in contrast to the corrupt landscape. They make each of you a terrible offer for a terrible price.
If you sleep in the place, a black seven fingered handprint manifests on your stomach. It grows longer whenever you rest. When it reaches your neck it will strangle you and take control
Creatures twist subtly here to reflect their inner vices, slowly becoming grotesque caricatures of their former self.
Anything written loses all meaning here and pieces of writing, such as spellbooks, erase themselves a page at a time every hour.
Any structure built here immediately attracts 1d6 hostile spirits.
Metal rusts at an accelerated rate here, weapons and armor reduce in effectiveness by a point (ex 1d6 becomes 1d6-1 or +4 becomes +3) until at 0 they fall apart. Other items rust and decay at a similar rate.
Every day that passes here a week passes on the outside. The center is here somewhere, time passes faster as you approach it.
Every day that passes here an hour passes on the outside. The center is here somewhere, time passes slower as you approach it.
Sleep and hunger are impossible to satisfy here without magical assistance. Any who die here of hunger rise as a Ghoul and any who died here of fatigue rise as mad Shadows
Acts of charity and assistance are painful to do here, Save or take 1d6 damage anytime you do something selfless. After 7 times, a failed save means Death.
Everything here is damned to repeat itself, repeating their last day before a terrible catastrophe. The inhabitants remember every minute of it but cannot help themselves.
Nothing can stay secret here, all beings immediately understand one another’s thoughts. Something unseen occasionally inserts thoughts of terrible graphic violence.
Any cut here causes the target to be severed clean through. Severed parts gain a life of their own, escaping or fighting to escape to somewhere in the center.
Light perception is reversed here, patches of shadow are brilliant to behold and the full sun is darker than the deepest pits.
There is a wishing well here, it will grant you your heart’s desire without trickery. You must kill a true friend and toss their body down the well as payment.
There is a wishing well here, it will grant you a minor wish. The payment is your coins to the Boatman, you will never find rest in death.
An older couple live in a small home here, white picket fence and well manicured lawn. They will offer aid, they will give you rest and supper. They will kill you in your sleep and eat you.
A cult considers this place holy ground and makes a yearly pilgrimage here to perform their profane mysteries.
A decrepit playground is here, the sounds of small feet and laughter are just on the edge of hearing.
Pain is immensely pleasurable here. Any damage instead appears to heal for an equal amount. This is false. Mirrors show the truth.
The sky is marred by a truly massive seven fingered hand. It cannot be seen from outside the region, but every day it gets a little closer until it is larger than the moon, the sun, it forms a dome around the region. It will then scoop the land away and bare it off to the void. No one will remember this place existed.
All idle time is filled by ennui and regrets about the past. Sweet smiles let go, open hearted talks never had, talents unexploited, promises unfulfilled, friends let down.
All idle times are full of brooding and obsession over slights. Petty insults left unanswered, vengeances unsatisfied, embarrassments relived, annoyances amplified.
Graffito of countless years and countless languages piles upon one another, their messages all begging and pleading, but for what?
All the people who live here are missing a random finger from their hands. The wounds do not close. All floor surfaces are covered in crisscrossing blood trails. People passed out from anaemia lie slouched by the waysides. Those conscious notice no irregularity.
This place marrs symbolic thinking. Every day lose a language (Mathematics, wizard magic, and advanced sciences count as languages), then the ability to meaningfully gesture. Soon you forget your first word (Mama perhaps?) and you become a thing of raw natural instinct.
Like objects wish to unify here, mineral to mineral, flesh to flesh. Two things of the same sort (two humans but not say a human and a pig)that are touched are fused at that point of contact. The few inhabitants wear heavy gloves and tend highly spaced groves.
Dreams feel more real here, brighter, more vibrant, more beautiful. In contrast the real world becomes duller and darker, you wish to spend less and less time awake in it.
Everything here is just slightly off, you cannot put your finger on what it is but it is uncanny.
Shadows are alive here and seek to overtake their fleshy captors if they have the chance. Unless your shadow is kept it line it will detach itself and become 1d6 Wretches of Gaub or a shadowy doppleganger on a 6
Magic other than those deeply tied to this place come at a cost. Any spells cast draw 1d6 per level HP from the caster or a willing proxy of the caster.
The ground below your feet, inside walls, any empty enclosed space, is absolutely writhing with worms. The Emperor Maggot swims amongst them.
This place is Vast and Dark, it makes no sense that such a place could be held within these apparent bounds.
An Oubliette is here, you may not see it but you feel it. A psychic scream of isolation, starvation, madness. Its inhabitant is no longer human.
There is a distant siren, the inhabitants of this place know it is time to lock the cellar doors and hide in their attics. They will not, can not, tell you why.
There is a Library here. It contains books with simple titles. The Life and Sins of Eric Smyth, for example. They are all The Life and Sins. Your book is here too.
This place is thawing, as though it were only just released from an ice age. The cold mud sucks at your boots, the people are ravenous from long denial, there are shadows in the ice.
There is a hole here. There Is A Hole Here. THERE IS A HOLE HERE!
There are doors here. Each one is numbered sequentially, but they are all locked. If you manage to open one, you’ll end up somewhere else.
Ropes hang from the rafters, ropes hang from the trees, the ropes are old and frayed, the corpses are old and frayed. When you join them you will be old and frayed too.
The sky is a cloying sepia, and brittle ash-like particles rain down like soft snow. When they touch your skin, it ages rapidly.
The sky is watching you. If you look closely, you can make out its eyes.
The water is defiled and stagnant here, it is filled with the larvae and spawn of countless crawling things. The inhabitants are filled with the larvae and spawn of countless crawling things.
You can hear a faint voice, coming from behind something. It mocks you, and it knows all your failures.
All emotions are dulled here, the very air seems to sap them away. Abilities that depend on emotions such as rage, fear, inspiration, function only at their most minimum possible effect.
As you enter this place, your opposite also enters it. They do not necessarily wish to kill you, but they do not wish you to leave unchanged either.
There is nothing to be afraid of here, there is nothing hungry and waiting in the corner, we do not know why you are acting this way. Mind the stains please.
Your sister is here, she is in terrible need of your help. You see, her disease has progressed and we’ve done all we could for her. What do you mean? Of course you have a s̴̳̞̱͘i̴̯͋̈́͜͝s̵͈̯͂̆̕t̸͍̞̞͂e̴̫̜̞͝r̷̀͑͝ͅ.
To one of you, this place is crawling with horrors, your eyes are continuously filled with scenes of utter malice. The rest of you cannot perceive it. The One, these horrors are real and your friends are mad.
To one of you, this place is a delightful paradise, in all your days you’ve not been somewhere more serene. The rest of you see this place of rot and despair for what it is. The One, these delights must be shared.
This place is full of all the noises appropriate. Animals calling, people about their business, perhaps the tolling of a church bell. Listen long enough and it begins to sound scratchy. Listen longer and you realize it repeats.
This place is surrounded by a thick haze of fog, the sounds of agony and battle occasionally ring out from within the fogbank. When the wind picks up, the Tide of Turmoil overtakes this place.
This place is absolutely silent, and you find even you are silent.The silence is deafening. Something is eating the noise.
Dozens of Cairns dot this place, they lead up to a great stone barrow. A low moan rises on moonless nights, the Cairns joining slowly in a basso profundo that makes one’s bones throb. It is not safe to sleep here.
Old cast-iron pipes crisscross this place, coming up from under the ground, twisting through structures, wrapping around trees. The place is strangely sharp, everything seems to scratch, pierce, and draw blood. The pipes hunger.
This place is terribly unkempt, every corner seems to be filled with detritus and dust and mites. It is as though everyone and everything is living in the moment, forgetting…These mites bite…This place is terribly unkempt…
A horse is tied to a pole here, abandoned and unkempt. It looks like it would serve an excellent steed, pity about the smell…and the teeth, oh those terrible terrible teeth.
You are here. You are standing in front of a figure that is not you. They are battered and bruised, and cannot speak, but they imitate your every move.
There is a crack somewhere nearby. It might be in a wall, or in the bark of a tree, or running down the side of a stone. It whispers slightly, and if you listen you hear mysteries .
1. Things you have forgotten
2. Things you wish were forgotten
3. Things the World has forgotten
4. Secrets your so-called friends are keeping from you
5. The words of those who plot against you
6. The Words of Gaub
Every exit from where you are takes you back into the same place, forward progress is seemingly impossible. Walking backwards counteracts this effect.
Head-like fungal masses sprout in softly moaning clusters, they jabber in tongues and release spores if approached. These spores cause one to hallucinate that they are rapidly growing more fungal heads from their body. They will be if exposed more than twice.
A mausoleum sits on these grounds, its heavy locks long since rusted away. Within is the columbarium, scores of urns hosting the ashes of the dead. They smell delicious. They want you to have a taste, come–come please please let us inside you.
A cliff is here, a cliff facing a sea that shouldn’t be here. There is a lighthouse on the cliff, its light moving like thick honey through the dark seamist. The rocks below are sharp, lethal…inviting.
The waters are rising here. At first it is just the thick, wet soil. Soon it is over your boots, then over your waist, then over your head. Thick, and befouled, nothing should be living in these waters. But something is.
A tower is here. No, it is a tunnel. It goes down into the earth. It is a tower. No, it is a tunnel. There is something waiting for you at the bottom. It waits for all of us.
This place seethes with corrupt energy, 1d4 Cataclysms strike at random in the form of black lightning every day.
The loud bongs of a distant clock echo throughout the space. It seems to be counting down to something, or adding something up. Counting down to the end? Counting you up? It won’t stop unless…unless you stay, stay and it fades, stay and it will go away.
A great pillar rises into the sky here, a great black obelisk tipped with seven jagged spokes. This is the first. Pray the others are not completed.

D100+ Demon Generator

2020-10-19T06:52:00.002-05:00

REMINDER! SITE HAS MOVED, UPDATES WILL DISCONTINUE HERE SOON. PLEASE UPDATE BLOG ROLLS TO: https://www.unlawful.games/

Baron Faraii by Andrew Baker

So back in the day when Lucifer decided to rebel, he supposedly was able to get a third of the entire angelic host to rebel with him. While I'm no bible scholar, the numbers of angels I generally see quoted fall under the umbrella of "innumerable." So a third of innumerable is still well...innumerable. I am providing here some information on a hundred or so particularly well known demons based mostly on the Ars Goetia with a little bit of inspiration taken from here and there and some of my own flair.

The Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, the Grand Grimoire, The Book of Abraham, a few other grimoires and the works of Wayne Barlowe further gave inspiration to this list.

How to Deal with Demons
Dealing with demons is generally a bad idea. They are millennia older than you and have been dealing in this game for a long time. That said, centuries of occultists have researched and interacted with these fallen spirits and have found myriad incantations and ceremonies that can help in your endeavors. There are a few basics that need to be a part of any demon summoning ceremony:

1. Magic Circle- This should be a given for all but the most rudimentary of summoning magic. A well crafted Magic Circle helps to focus and refine the summoning energies required to locate and call an individual spirit rather than a broad category of creatures. Furthermore it will bind the spirit to the circumference of the circle and thus keep the summoner (mostly) safe from the spirit's direct influence. For summoning demons in particular, silver is the best material for a circle but salt will do in a pinch. Circles without some sort of anathema tied to it will do the job of summoning a spirit but be sorely under-equipped for binding the spirit.

2. Bait- Demons don't work for free unless forced to by an exceptional power greater than their own (eg Solomon's Seal.) So to call up the demon you want, you will need some sort of bait or sacrifice. This is not the price you are paying for the demon's service, think of it more like an entrance fee. Some demons have fairly simple hungers while others might be significantly more complex, this does not necessarily match with the power of said demon.

3. True Name- There are three broad categories of demons for our purposes here. Demons Major, Demons Minor and Lesser Demons. From a DnD standpoint think of them along the lines of True, Greater, and Lesser. Lesser Demons were part of the vast hordes of ordinary spirits who fell, their True Names were weak and shattered in their fall leaving them as near identical creatures that any old summoning will grab at random. Demons Minor were among the high Choirs, such as Powers, Virtues, and Dominions.Demons Major were the chiefest of angels before their fall, Seraphs, Cherubs, and Thrones. These Demon's names were twisted and corrupted in their fall but remain deeply embedded in their being and are represented by complex sigils. To call upon one of these mighty individuals you must know and use their Sigil as a part of the summoning, even a small error may call upon the wrong demon or worse, gravely insult the demon you were attempting to call.

The Benefits of Demon Summoning
Now that you have a general understanding of how, now you need to know the why. Here's the thing: you want something. You want it badly and you are willing to go to extreme lengths to get it. An honest person might work at more conventional means to reach that goal, but if you've even considered this then you probably can't be described as an "honest person." Demons provide a short cut to success. Angels will want to guide you. Elementals can't give two craps about your meat-needs. The Fae are more interested in mischief than they are in honoring deals. Demons, for the most part, have an active interest in you. Mostly this interest in finding ways to tempt you and lead your soul to their clutches. But hey, that's a problem for later right?

Think of the power that Demons are able to grant something like a specialized genie that works on commission. They can do one or a few things really well and in return ask for specific favors or sacrifices. A Demon with the appropriately sealed contract is less likely to Monkey Paw your wishes, because unlike the angry bottle-bound Efreet they are getting paid. That said, what a Demon gives is power, power is an addictive drug and Demons know that addicts are willing to pay a premium. The first taste is all but free, however further services will require escalating costs.

Professional Summoners
There are those out there who are not mere wizards and occultists, but true professional Summoners. Their focus and expertise is such that they are able to manifest and bind entities to their will for hours on end rather than bare minutes or just long enough to negotiate a contract. They are best known for the 99 Entities from their own lexicon, but a few move into the field of Demonology and draw from this list instead. These summoners do not make contracts for singular great feats, but instead form longer term bonds for lesser services. Some say that these summoners are actually calling up minor Avatars of these demons rather than the beings themselves, but that is a matter for the scholars.

Baphomet by Fel Vast

The Generator

D2 Willing to Negotiate. Demons who negotiate are sometimes also called Devils.

Yes, let’s make a bargain!
GIMME YOUR SOUL NOW MORTAL!

D4 Cardinal Direction/Element/Season/ Preferred Sacrifice

North - Air - Winter - Blood
East - Fire - Spring - Riches
South - Water - Summer - Souls
West - Earth - Autumn - Rare Reagents

D6 Body Plan- All Demons have horns, increasingly powerful ones have more, but they are able to absorb or display the horns at will. Demons often take the horns of rivals as a trophy.

Humanoid
Insectoid
Mammalian (1-in-6 chance of Lion, Otherwise Random)
Avian (1-in-6 chance of Raven/Crow, Otherwise Random)
Reptilian
Abstract, such as a screaming pentagram or stygian blue lightning

D8 Weakness

Holy Sutras/Chants
Silver
Salt
Holy Water
Sunlight
Specific Scents and Oils/Incense
Innocence also Puppies
Holy Symbols

D10 Title- Roll on the d12 table once per rank level

No Title
Knight
President
Baronet
Baron
Viscount
Earl/Count
Marquess- Roll 2x on d100 table
Duke- Roll 2x on d100 table, 2x on General Powers
Prince- Roll 4x on d100 table, 2x on General Powers
King- Roll 4x on d100 table, 4x on General Powers
Unique Title- Roll 6x on d100 table, 6x on General Powers

D10 Vice

Anger
Pride
Deceit
Envy
Avarice
Fear
Gluttony
Lust
Sloth
One of those really obscure ones like eating bed stuffing or something from deviantart

D12 Common Granted Powers- These are the common things they usually are summoned to grant, but these are not necessarily what they are limited to. All titled demons are also capable of granting familiars from their Legions.

Mastery of Arts (Liberal or Physical)
Invisibility
Granting magical power
Granting love
Immortality
Reveal Secret Treasures/Grant Wealth
Build great artifices
Answering questions of the Past or Future
Astral Project/Flight
Power over Animals
Power over People
Causing Harm

D20 General Powers

Necromancy
Elemental -mancy (matching to d4 result)
Hemomancy
Shapeshifting
Entropy Control
Mind Control/Charm
Weather Control
Precognition
Massive Physical Strength
Poison Generation
Flesh Crafting
Gravity Manipulation
Transmutation of Materials (Lead to Gold, Water to Blood etc)
Darkness/Shadow Manipulation
Insect Spawning/Control
Disease Creation/Manipulation
Possession
Puppetry
Localized Omniscience
Dream Control

D100 Unique Attributes

Affinity for Slime/Filth
Affinity for Rot/Mushrooms
Resistant to Sacred/Hallowed Lands
Hooves
Projectile Vomiting of Unnatural Things (insects, blood, change, etc.)
Aversion to Weirdly Specific Objects/Places (the local Walmart, holly, etc.)
Suits, Suits, and more Suits. Also carries a suitcase full of souls.
Is the Tax Man
Is a Hellmouth, can act as a gate for other demons
Aura of Rot, everything around them ages at 100x the normal speed
Feeds on Fear
Let’s Give it Wings, higher rank = more wings.
1. Bird
2. Bat
3. Insect
4. Metallic
5. Bone
6. Strange Geometry
Creepy Child Form
Aura of Inciting Rage
Two Mouths, One is Constantly Eating, the other Constantly Talking
Has only 666 more souls they need to personally damn before they win a bet with an angel and gets to switch roles.
Fa/Mother Of Monsters: Can rapidly spawn other hideous monsters
Has 1d100 eyes which
1. Are jammed into its skull
2. Distributed across their body
3. Extend in stalks
4. Float freely
5. Are inside of Thrall bodies
6. Make up the whole of their form
Has a terrible, hideous steed
Aura of constant ominous Latin chanting
Turn water into 80-proof whiskey
1d20 Extra mouths that are always whispering inappropriate things
Non-euclidean face geometry
Has a shrill, unintimidating voice that they are very sensitive about, but can release devastating screams.
Can absorb dead organic matter into their being
Has uncooperative snakes for hair
Is mildly allergic to the air in the material plane
Has limbs that split and grow like fractals
Has horns and claws honed to molecular sharpness
Sweats highly corrosive acid
Smells of fire and brimstone
Smells of fire and brimstone, but it’s actually rancid egg farts
Perfectly, hideously immaculate and symmetrical
Can shift between 2D, 3D and 4D forms.
Being “killed” only causes it to reform as a new demon of a rank lower
Can shift between classical elemental powers/resistances with a thought.
Capable of creating vast and life-like illusions
Is actually made up of a massive swarm of locusts that slot perfectly into place to form the demon.
Phases through any material that isn’t silver or blessed.
Has a vast cult at their beck and call.
Always appears with two vassal demons, generate 2 demons of 2 ranks lower
Has very strange rebellious politics
Can manifest any mundane object with a snap
Speaks backwards
Magic is suppressed in their presence unless their weakness is presented
Has breath that is a spiritual poison, affects even things normally unaffected by poison. A specially prepared silver ring negates this.
Master over Hellfire, which affects normally incombustible things and can only be put out with holy water
Master of Felfire, which is invisible and painless, but still destructive. Using magical means of looking at it is damaging to the retina.
Can shrink to flea size or inflate to titanic kaiju size.
Oozes The ORKUS
Can spit petrifying loogies.
Can split themselves into multiple lesser demons and recombine
Is favored by the Court of the Fly and enjoys special political protections and privileges in Hell
Is favored by the Court of Sargatanas and is secretly working on a method to redeem Hell's inhabitants.
Is a Vassal of Abaddon, Lord of the Pit, and specializes in negating the defenses of other infernal beings.
Always arrives with a great cacophony of trumpets and gratuitous special effects.
Their presence is so terrible that the unprepared are frozen with fear and the especially faint of heart may drop dead
Can heal any wound on a target. It leaves behind an infernal brand and the demon can reopen the wound at will
Can levitate at will with perfect precision
Knows the names and histories of all dead sinners.
All Demons possess terrible magical weapons, however this one's weapon is a truly mighty pre-Fall artifact.
Has 1d6+1 Heads, each a different creature
Only speaks in High Infernal, somewhere between extreme Legalese and an agonized wail. Listening to it makes ears bleed.
Is distantly related to the party's Tiefling
Is able to teleport themselves and anyone else contracted to them anywhere without error.
Is not actually a demon, but a primordial Abyssal, one of the original native of Hell.
Has a fondness for taking the form of saints, priests, and other holy figures to tempt and confound mortals.
Was trained in the sensual arts by Lilith herself.
Disregard everything else, its actually Buer or one of his Minions
Any space they occupy has constant shifting haunting effects
Is a writhing mass of flesh and chain, the chain is the true demon
Is bound by an ancient contract not to harm anyone of a specific bloodline.
Bleeds ink that writes itself into vindictive curses.
Is sealed inside of an Iron Flask because its physical form is too hideous for ever other demons
Has secretly been behind all the best music to come out in the past century.
Collects the skulls of their victims and can call them into their service.
Make a hobby of creating hideous experimental zombies
Appears like a completely average human, but has an incredibly unnerving presence
Is actually several dozen imps in a papier-mâché skin filling in for their master.
Grows blades from their back that can cut through absolutely anything
Is bound to a powerful blade which possesses the body of a lesser demon
Is so hideously corpulent that all but the greatest attacks are mere flesh-wounds to it
Is a master Conjurer and can effectively cast and modify any spell-effect 5 times out of 6
Is able to bring mortal's sins to the surface as dense black orbs, more sinful the mortal more overwhelmingly heavy the orb is
Is a full on sado-masochist Cenobite
Body constantly oozes molten metal that it is able to quickly solidify into anything in its terrible imagination
Is able to corrupt and control all nearby plantlife
Has taken on the perfect form, that of a great crustacean with countless claws
Possesses a chimerical parasite that doesn't always agree with the main body, such as a smary snake-tail
Can continuously grow its teeth and control their shape even if they're removed from their mouth
While still harmed by their weakness, it also invokes a masochistic delight in them
Any wound they deliver is instantly infested with infernal maggots.
They are actually a very lost daemon who is looking for the humans they're supposed to be patrons for.
Is actually an angel working deep undercover (50% Chance this is a delusion)
Is actually a Dharmapala, and wants to help you reach enlightenment
You know that gut feeling you get that everything is about to go to shit despite everything otherwise seeming fine? Yeah its this demon's fault
Will grant a corrupted wish to whomever says it’s name 3 times
98 Roll 2 more times on the General Power list
99 Roll 3 more times on this list
Shit, you summoned Lucifer. Anything on this post, whenever they want

SITE MOVED!

2020-10-16T22:44:00.005-05:00

Https://unlawful.games

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

d100+ Witch Generator

2020-10-11T20:10:00.001-05:00

The World On Her Head by Rimma 'zooyeglass' Deli

First an important note on:

How to tell a Witch from a Wizard

A Wizard has a Tower, a Witch has a Cottage
A Wizard is an introvert, a Witch is also an introvert but is one of those sorts that has to extrovert constantly as part of their job.
A Wizard paid a lot of money to know things. A Witch put in hard work to know that the wizard got themselves into student debt for no good reason.
A Wizard wears a pointy hat which shouts, “I AM THE WIZARD.” A witch wears a pointy hat that calmly informs you, “I am A witch."
A wizard knows what a spell does. A witch knows what the spell is for.
A wizard has ampules, phials and flasks. A witch has jars, pots and jugs.
Wizards and Witches are both fond of pickling things. You are more likely to be able to eat whatever the witch pickled.
A wizard hates people. A witch hates what people are when left to their own foolish devices.
A wizard expects to be reimbursed for their “services.” A witch never expects to be reimbursed, but they always are anyways.
Having a wizard in your community is like having a mildly unstable nuclear bomb on hand. Having a witch in your community is like having a fully staffed social services program and a fairly decent hospital. Guess which one regular folk prefer?

A Witch who cackles is barely better than a Wizard. Note that one of the differences is not gender, a Witch or a Wizard can be any gender even if ignorant townsfolk might make assumptions if you have a pointy hat and a beard.

Witchsona by Doodlekiidd

The Witch Generator

Anything on this list can be Boffo or Headology, that is to say something that isn’t necessarily true about the witch but the witch encourages people to believe to keep up a healthy aura of fear/respect.

2 Hungry? Alternatively, Green?

Eats Kids - Not Green
Doesn't Eat Kids - Green

4 Aspect- Traditional terms, but others can be used. White Hat, Grey Hat and Black Hat for example.

Maiden
Mother
Crone
Three-In-One

6 Familiar

Crow
Toad
Cat
Bat
Big Spider
Something...weird

Witchsona by Beebeediboop

8 Specialty- All witches are proficient in basic medicine/herbalism and have First Sight and Second Thoughts. That is, they see what’s really there and they think about their own thoughts.

Weather
Potions
Transformations
(Un)Sympathetic Magic
Runes/Sigils
Misfortune Telling
Flora and Fauna
Curse Making/Breaking

10 Theme

Classic/Cunning Folk
Neo-Pagan
Tumblr Witchsona
Maho Shojo
Trash Witch, always has a shitty griffon familiar
Fairy Godparent (really a type of witch)
Swamp Witch
RUSSIAN
Granny Ogg by Rob Lopatto
Goth
Scary Child

10 Wyrd Transport

Besoom
Huge mortar and pestle
Hut on Chicken Feet
Giant black cat
Chariot pulled by winged goats
A chair with a thousand ravens tied to it
Turns into a swarm of insects
An Umbrella
Flies without mechanical aid by lifting themselves up by their bootstraps
Literally anything they can smear Flying Ointment on

12 Sources of Power

The Land (Everyone knows the best witches are grown in the mountains)
Ancestry, its witches all the way down
The Fey, all that time spent around mushrooms as a kid
Infernal Pact, specifically with a black goat
Inherited the power from another witch on their deathbed
Was the 8th child of an 8th child, don’t let on to anyone that you’ve got wizard magic
People just started assuming and after a while it turned out they were right
Blood, sweat, tears and a long apprenticeship to a senior witch.
Possessed by an ancient body-swapping hag
Sheer willpower, really a can-do attitude and a drive to fix the lives around you is enough
Everyone has a nipples-in-10 chance of being a born witch.
Actually listening to all your grandma’s folk wisdom

Tiffany Aching by Benjamin Scott

20 Signature Magical Tool

Witch Ladder aka a Shamble
Athame and Boline- KNIFE WITCH
Book of Shadows/Diary
Nithing Pole, flayed horse skin and skull on a pole. METAL
Mask(s)
Copious Jewelry
Needles (Knitting/Sewing/Surgical/Poking)
~~Oven~~ Cauldron
A telescopic 3-in-1 Wand/Broom/Spear Combo Tool
Turpentine and a good Cussing
A pair of mirrors
Smudge Sticks, oooh this one smells like cinnamon
A cast iron pan
A saucer and an inkwell
A spade/shovel/pickaxe
A collection of humorously shaped mushrooms
A golden stamp/seal
A variety of colored lenses
A big creepy lantern
Distaff and spindle

100 Quirk- May or may not be true

Long nose with olfactory strength of a bloodhound
Has two bodies and one soul, bodies get more clumsy the further they are from one another.
Can step outside their own body and roam as a spirit, body is inert.
Is fatally allergic to water, but can be reconstituted and revived by pouring a heaping spoon of sugar into their melted remains.
Has a creepy collection of dolls who may or may not be haunted.
Has a clockwork heart and cannot die while it continues to tick
Communes with bees
Can sour milk with a word, useful for making cheese
Can speak at length to various barnyard animals on topics so boring that the animal falls over dead
Knows the “Horseman’s Word” and can freeze any Odd-Toed Ungulate in their tracks
Is unable to pass through a room containing a colander without having to stop and count all the holes.
Has terrible Iron Teeth that can bite through anything
Has to answer any riddle posed to them
Only speaks in iambic pentameter
Can talk objects into life
Weighs as much as a duck
Can turns folks into a newt (and other amphibians)
Can build surprisingly sound structures out of baked goods.
Collects toenails of their victims to personally give to Hel
Their heterochromia allows them to invoke the Evil Eye and dispel it
Has several score tiny angry “fair folk” at their beck and call
Is blind, but has honed their precognition to the point that they always see a few seconds into the future.
Hair can move independently of body and has the grip strength of an octopus
Can produce 8 gallons of ectoplasm daily
Casts no reflection or shadow, can’t be photographs or otherwise depicted through art
Comes in the night with a huge sack to take away naughty children
Can stretch their limbs 50’ and snatch up unsuspecting victims
You can hear their teeth grinding a mile away
Can breath underwater
Cannot be touched by fire
Can steal your name and give you an awful one.
Can call up a terrible storm with the help of a coven of 3 or more
They are actually made of wood
More warts than face
Can attach their senses to other creatures, see what they see, hear what they hear etc.
Weaves the names and fates of those in region into a vast tapestry
Keeps a demon and a hoard of treasure in their basement
Know the exact time and place of their own death and cannot be fatally injured before then
Can open their mouth so wide that the top touches the sky and the bottom plummets to hell
Grows into a terrible giant when provoked
Turns wicked folks into pigs and keeps them on their farm
Knows how to do the “Pig Trick” without a pig, much to many other witches' shock and disgust
Skin changes color depending upon their mood
Can stand so still that they blend into the background
Can choose to make no noise whatsoever
They are immortal until they find their one true love
Is a master of Unfission and is in fact several dozen witches.
Can age up or down anything they touch, doesn’t affect overall lifespan though
Is actually an imp piloting a corpse
Knows how to enchant beans and salt to drive away ghosts
Knows where the [Magical Weapon] of Destiny is and who is destined to wield it
Anything they yell becomes locally true, they dislike noises louder than a whisper though
Lives through time backwards
Is able to balance and judge any argument for an outcome best for both parties
Any bag, pocket or hat works like a Bag of Holding for them
Knows a tune that can rise the dead and make them dance
Thawed out from a far northern Kingdom
Their eyes glow with the strength of a bullseye lantern
Only sleeps for 1 minute each day
Has terrible claws that can cut through steel like butter
Any affect that would scare lesser folks simply makes this witch furious
Can control sand, they’re the Sand Witch.
Can make a delicious soup from any ingredient. ANY
Can somersault and roll down hills like a wheel...or A BUER
Can put an entire kingdom to sleep in they put their mind to it
Can change sex at will
Is the sibling-in-law to the current King/President/Warlord
Is actually a banished fairy noble, cursed to human skin
.Breath is so bad it wilts flowers
Has one withered arm and one HULKING MONSTER ARM
Is physically harmed by sincere compliments
.They are invigorated by nasty remarks
Their words can literally cut
They are only able to show one emotion a day.
Has a weakness for especially gaudy jewelry, but can instantly appraise anything
For the right price, they can regurgitate exactly what you need.
Can speak out gold and jewels
Can speak Toad Words
Keeps dozens of jars of marbles, they are all the lost memories
Can speak an Earworm that slowly fills up your thoughts until it hatches from your skull
Practices Hardcore Astrology
Knows the language of birds, also they are very easily annoyed
Deaf, but has heard everything ever whispered
Each part of the witch is independently alive and mobile, will rebuild themselves if hacked apart
Has a garden that grows a tree from anything planting there, the fertilizer is something eldritch and terrible
Has a tongue of Lead and a tongue of Silver, capable of speaking horrid truths and sweet lies simultaneously.
Is filled with a terrible ichorous corruption, The Orkus
Can control the land of their home region as well as they could control their own hand.
Is a close personal friend of Sasquatch
Knows the method of producing mirror honey
Meeting eyes with the witch will reveal to them all your terrible 3 AM secrets.
Is covered in tattoos depicting sentient Stories that they have tamed.
Is a metal witch-shaped cauldron: the actual witch is the sentient brew inside. Doesn't move but just appears in places, casts spells through boiling broth fumes
Scooped out their own brain, they cannot be scryed, their thoughts cannot be read, their emotions cannot be altered.
Can suck out your soul and stick it into a jack o lantern
Has been North of Reality and back.
Makes deals with devils, always comes out on top somehow.
Can turn hearts into powerful protective amulets.
Legendary “hag,” Roll 3 times
Roll 20 times, they ordered pretty much everything from the “Wicked Witch” collection in the Boffo Catalogue

Trash Witch by Charlie Ferguson-Avery

Three Sisters by Alexander Shatohin

Summoning Gone Wrong: 1d100 Summoning Mishaps

2020-10-04T14:17:00.007-05:00

Summoning is not an exact science. Or rather, it is an incredibly exact science that even the smallest deviation can cause countless repercussions. A few too many grains of salt, an imperfect circle, getting the inflection wrong on the incantation. This is why battle-field summoning tends to call only the weakest of extradimensional creatures or beings that the caster holds a contract with.

Here are some possible misfortunes that might behalf a summoner who used the wrong shade of black in their invocation candles.

The Summoning by Nico Navarro

Poof! Smoke and nothing more.
Summons half of the intended target, which promptly falls over dead
Reverse Summon, summoner appears before the intended target
Summons a sandwich, there is ham and cheese but no mustard.
Room fills with burning brimstone
Room floods with Manna
Accidently opens a Hellmouth, d666 HD worth of demons flood out
Fairy Ring created, mushrooms pop up all around the summoner. Summoner reappears 1d100 years later after a stay with a Fairy (50% Seelie 50% Unseelie) Court.
Hole Opened to a random cave in the Veins of the Earth.
Summon works but the target is unbound
BUER MINION
Summon works, target is in the bathtub and is very mad about this intrusion
An angry Efreeti is shows up and offers a Monkey’s Paw type wish
You summon your Qareen (your spiritual double) into the physical plane, the summoner’s soul is sundered in doing this leaving the Quareen and the Summoner each with half the Summoner’s original stats
A Nasnas is called up, it has one leg, one eye, and one arm. It proceeds to hop around in an attempt to “tag” you in a friendly game. Save or Die if it touches you.
AAAAH FUCK SO MANY TENTACLES
Call up the spirit of a deceased ancestor to viciously berate you.
Called up the local Genius Loci, treat as a 1d20HD Elemental, a local landmark stands up and causes chaos.
Kuda-gitsune infestation, tiny foxes fill up every hole in the vicinity and steal all the food, booze, and tobacco.
4 Nurikabe form around the summoner, trapping them in an invisible cube.
Call up a Daidarabotchi, and everything in a 5 mile radius is crushed under a giant larger than Mount Fuji.
A space-time rip causes you to summon an infant version of the intended target. It is crying and has recently soiled itself.
A space-time rip causes you to summon a much older version of the intended target. In some cases this means the target is significantly more powerful, in others it means the target left their teeth at home and has recently soiled themselves.
Target arrives inside out and somehow screaming
You accidentally summon two people you kinda know from your hometown, they are in mid-coitus.
You are hideously combined with your summoned target.
You accidentally summon two creatures who are hideously combined, this is how Owlbears were made.
You summon a very realistic plaster likeness of the intended target
You summon one of two formerly conjoined twins.
You summon yourself, binding yourself to the summoning circle
You summon the thing that all Bags of Devouring are merely the feeding orifices for
You summon several thousand books, all the doors nearby now lead to the Stygian Library
You summon a small, nervous goblin who proceeds to hide under the nearest furniture, mumbling about a squirrel menace.
You summon a Seraph, all who are not EXCEEDINGLY pious to this particular Seraph’s god are incinerated by its presence.
.You summon a random Prince
You summon 1d1000 Geese, who are now really pissed.
.You summon the wisdom teeth of all creatures in a mile radius
You summon a Quantum Duplicate from another timeline. They have an eye patch, a rad laser gun, and psychotic levels of paranoia.
You call up an infant Fortle with a small tower on its back. It is the size of an adult african elephant.
You are pulled into a hole in space-time and end up inside of a Troll’s stomach
You summon a wasp nest which promptly falls to the ground and releases its 10,000 enraged inhabitants
You open a hole to the bottom of the sea. Closes in 1d6! days. Hope you have scuba gear.
You summon 25 familiars who start to fight over which gets to claim you.
You summon the spiritual inverse of what you intended to summon.
You call up a 1d20HD Xiucoatl, which immediately demands a human heart for each HD
You Summon a Very Political Demon. [Link to Come]
You summon a genie who will grant 3 wishes. Their understanding of your language is about on par with a hungarian using a very ineffective phrase book.
You summon the 2cm tall Azazel, a begrudgingly helpful demon who grants wishes but is extremely literal and the wishes always turn HORRIBLY RIGHT.
You summon the DOG GOD, they speak to you in broken images and tongues that are not theirs. You are confused, angry, but oddly inspired by the DOG GOD.
You open a hole in deep space. 50% sucked into the void 50% room is flooded with phlogiston that explodes violently.
Summoning works, target appears 1d% miles in a random direction.
You summon an Alter. The Alter works as a permanent summoning anchor which sacrifices can be made to call the specific entity. Any sacrifices made for the initial summon needs to be made again though.
You accidentally attract the attention of an actual deity.
Mithras shows up expecting his entire ritual and liturgy performed perfectly. Success gives the summoner 100 years of immortality, failure results in utter annihilation.
You open a channel to one of the FEARS, the region is subtly altered to fit the FEAR’s domain. The summoner is infected by the Fear.
You ring into a Book Club hotline
You summon a chair, it looks extremely comfortable. It is a mimic.
You get a voicemail.
A gashapon machine appears and spits out a random ball containing one of 151 mutant animals.
The demon’s lawyer shows up and proceeds to berate you on how poor your contract and penmanship is. They kick over your candles and break your circle just to make a point before leaving.
Several scores of small, blue skinned, red haired, very angry and VERY DRUNK 6 inch tall pictsies flood the room. Anything they can’t drink they steal, anything they can’t steal they fight via miniturature claymores and insane physical strength. They are SO angry.
You call up an eyeless spectre made of intense hatred for spellcasters of all sorts. It vanishes, spending 1d6 weeks poisoning the minds of those around you towards hatred and paranoia before attempting to possess you.
You summon a Russian Cosmonaut from the 1970’s. They float, their suit is full of radiation, and they speak terrible prophecies of the Moon.
You summon a 5 man animatronic animal band. 25% chance of being really awesome, 25% chance of going berserk.
You summon Yojimbo, a samurai warrior of great power and great greed. Will serve you for exorbitant amounts of money.
Accidently cause all dead things within a 5 mile radius to awaken, and they all know where you are.
Cause an atmospheric disturbance (1. Thunderstorm 2. Hail 3. Tornado 4. Heatwave)
Cause a Weird atmospheric disturbance.
;)
You summon a Microscopic creature into Macroscopic size. 1d4 1. Giant Ameba 2. Giant Virus 3. Giant Watebear 4. Giant Dust Mite
You summon The Green Knight who challenges you to a duel. They are all but immortal.
You accidentally invoke one of the 72 names of the Creator and give life to everything in the immediate vicinity.
Open a rift to random Plane (1. Elemental Plane 2. Elemental Plate 3. Random Hell 4. Random Heaven 5. Astral 6. Plane of Snakes)
You summon Mundo! This silky bastard knows everything about the North, but is a tricky asshole. He’ll ask difficult, bizarre or embarrassing favor as payment.
You summon a random King
You summon a random God
You summon a random Reverse Monster
You summon a DOG
You summon a something random from the Goodberry Bestiary.
You summon the Wizard Police, the summoning spell you used was copyrighted. Time to go to wizard jail.
You summon Dave, an immortal and completely useless failed wizard’s apprentice. He tries to do as you command, but he just mucks everything up.
You summon all the local cats. If you are in a place that cats couldn’t possibly be, one very confused black american shorthair shows up and expects treats.
You summon an entire k-pop band, including props, fireworks, stage hands, and t-shirt cannons.
You summon a bender of Maenads and Satyrs, they ask you to party and don’t take no for an answer.
Summoning appears to have failed, actually summon a False Hyda into the ground beneath you.
You summon Mr. Tastee, a humble ice cream vendor. He offers you a Blue Tornado Bar, it tastes like all your best childhood memories.
You summon a stuttering secretary who is highly paranoid of Snakemen. He’s in his pajamas and has lost his glasses. If you roll this, you are honor bound to let me know about it so I can include the interaction in my home game.
You summon Santa Claus. If you’ve been good, he’ll give you a present. If you’ve been naughty, he’ll thwack you over the head with his bag. If you’ve been REAL naughty, he’ll offer you a cigarette.
Your summon works, but the target thinks you look ridiculous and can’t stop laughing the entire time.
You summon a Hyacinth macaw that only knows exceptionally rude phrases.
. You summon a “doctor” who immediately wants to treat you. Their understanding of anatomy and medicine is Awful.
Oh god, you summon a Gengrigar.
You summon an entire firing squad, mid-firing, aimed at the summoner.
You summon a random food cart
The summoning functions as intended, but you audibly shit yourself.
The summoning functions as intended, but you will be summoned by the target to return the favor in 1d6 days.
You summon a terrible petty-god.
You summon Tommy Rawbones.
You summon a tiny car. 1d100 Clowns proceeded to exit from it.
You summon Death. He had a little party hat on and a cocktail wiener on a toothpick. He’s not particularly amused by the intrusion , but can answer one question truthfully. You may not like the answer.

Shilling for The Wretched

2020-09-16T12:12:00.002-05:00

OI! Have you heard about the new solo game about being miserable in space?! You haven’t?! WELL YOU BETTER GET ON THAT!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/loottheroom/the-wretched-second-printing

Lexi Bard Songs and Perks: DJ Mix Tape

2020-09-11T23:10:00.002-05:00

Not every Bard is stuck to a single genre, so here is a variety of Perks and Songs that might appeal to a bard.

90's Witch by Michał Sałata

PERKS

Perk: Can't Touch This- Bonus to AC equal to number of remaining MD.

Perk: Red Right Hand- You deal an additional amount of fire damage equal to your remaining MD for the day.

Perk: Overtone Singing- You can keep up the effects of two songs simultaneously, however you get a Bad Vibe on a roll of 1-3 instead of just a 1.

Perk: Dirge- Any morale checks rolled while you are playing a song have a penalty equal to your remaining MD.

Perk: Back Up Dancers- If another member of the party do nothing but dance to your music on their turn, they can nullify a Bad Vibe.

Perk: Circular Breathing- You only lose the intensity of a song if hit for max damage on a die.

Perk: Subsonic Vibrations- Your music can affect and be perceived even by deaf creatures and isn't affected by magical silence.

Perk: Rick Roll- You can disguise your song as any other song but on a bad vibe it immediately evokes extreme revulsion in all those who hear it.

Perk:MONTAGE- Once per week expend all of your Music Dice to retroactively have completed training or preparation for "just such an occasion." You may either apply Dice bonus to any check or have [sum] GP worth of equipment relevant to the task at hand. At 4 MD you may also condense the time of a single scene (a single combat, travel, or similar event) and make the outcome's success or failure a 50/50 coin flip.

Bard by hendry iwanaga

SONGS

The Show Must Go On - The beat is so strong that even the most broken body can't help but continue on.
1- Targets heal Intensity each round.
2- Targets Ignore Exhaustion and Stress Effects for duration of song.
3- Targets may reroll against an ongoing negative effects.
4- As Long as song continues, ignore all affects of Damage, when song ends all damage occurs at once.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody- Targets minds and bodies distracted and swept up by the power of music.
1- Targets are distracted and take a -2 to all actions
2- Targets take a -4 to actions unless targeting Bard
3. Targets save or can do nothing but dance
4. Bard can make targets as a group dance in a direction up to their movement speed. Save again if this would put them into harm's way.

Private Eyes Target loudly proclaims [SUM] truths. A target can ignore this effect if they use both hands to cover their mouth.
1- Surface Thoughts
2- Minor Secrets
3- Damning information
4- Innermost Fears/Locked Memories

The Bitch is Back- The target views the Bard as their worst fear come to life.
1- Target takes 1d6 Stress
2- Target Takes 1d6 more stress and affected by Terror
3- Target takes 1d6 More stress and affected by Horror
4- Target Cracks at disadvantage.

Magic Man- Your music slowly makes its listeners zealous fans of you.
1- Reroll reaction dice
2- Intelligent targets understand the party regardless of language barriers.
3- Targets treat the party as though they were trusted allies.
4- Targets Save or become Groupies for the Bard for 1d6 hours.

Run Like Hell- Listeners can't help but quicken with the beat.
1- Double Move Speed
2- Targets have +2 to their Dex Bonus for song duration
3- Affected Targets double attacks of actions per round
4- Affected Targets move so quickly that any physical attack has a 50% chance of hitting an afterimage.

Hungry Like A Wolf- Some songs can bring the beast out in you.
1- Targets can smell as well as they can see in bright light.
2- Targets can follow a scent trail that is Intensity weeks old.
3- Targets gain a 1d6 Bite attack. (If target already has bite attack increase die size)
4- Targets transform into Dire Wolves

You Drop A Bomb on Me Baby- Your music draws the firmament down from the skies. All targets within hearing take IntensityD6 damage per round as various objects (twigs, rocks, birds etc.) fall from the sky and pelt the targets. Save vs. Dex for half. If a shield or reinforce umbrella is held over head, Save negates damage. At 4 Intensity, a small meteorites drops and deals 4d6 Damage in a 50' explosive burst and ends the song.

I'm Still Standing- No one can stay down when they hear this song.
1- Prone targets may immediately stand without using up movement
2- Targets cannot be tripped
3- Targets ignores affects that would cripple their ability to move.
4- The target is completely immovable, a wrecking ball could strike it and it would remain in place. The target still takes the damage, but cannot be moved from their position.

Rock Lobster- Every round invested into this spell calls deeper into the depths of the sea. Once released an Intensity HD ROCK LOBSTER manifests and attacks anyone who isn't dancing. The lobster remains for [Sum] Rounds and is not otherwise under the control of the Bard. It continuously yells "ROCK LOBSTER."

ROCK LOBSTER
1-4 HD
Appearance: A giant slate-gray lobster
Wants: To Wreck You, to scream "ROCK LOBSTER" over and over again
Armour: Plate
Move: 1/2 Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: Claw/Claw 1d6+HD
Grab- A target hit for max damage by a Claw attack is grabbed and crushed for Claw damage automatically each round. Strength save to escape.

Weird Bug Generator

2020-09-02T10:37:00.001-05:00

For all sorts of Arthropods, not just insects!

by Eugene Gottsnake

1d2 Metamorphosis
1. Doesn't Metamorphose
2. Does Metamorphose- Roll again on the table to determine adult form.

1d4 Locomotion
1. Flies
2. RUNS
3. Burrows
4. Swims

1d6 What does it eat?
1. Sap
2. Plants
3. Honey
4. Blood
5. Living Meat
6. Carrion

1d8 Size
1. Nearly Microscopic
2. Grain of sand
3. Pebble
4. Half hand
5. Full hand
6. Torso sized
7. Human sized
8. Human Sized+ Roll again and combine

1d10 Number of Limbs
1- Crawling grub/worm
2-10 Equal to number rolled

1d% Number of Eyes
1-100

EDIT NOTE: FEEL FREE TO SWAP EYES AND LIMBS ROLLS

1d12 Method of Defense
1 Pincers
2 Bite- 50% Mandibles 50% Proboscis
3 Venomous Bite
4 Stinger
5 Burning Chemical Farts ala Bombardier Beatles
6 Horns
7 Fontanellar gun- Chemical glue forehead gun
8 Acid spittle
9 Spear-limb
10 Hammer Limb
11. Spines
12. Roll Twice

1d20 Quirks
1. Can lift 20 times their body weight
2. Mimic- Is able to appear as another creature common in the environment
3. Aposematic Display- Colored very brightly as a warning signal, extremely toxic
4. Heavily Camouflaged
5. Deimatic Display- Has a pattern that can be displayed quickly to startle predators, often appearing as large predatory eyes.
6. Eusocial colony
7. Possessed silk producing spinnerets
8. Autonomy- Limbs break off for escape, they grow back...usually
9. Reflex Bleeding- Sprays or leaks foul smelling blood when threatened
10. Multiply the number of legs by 1d4 (1. 10 2. 100 3. 1000 4. 1,000,000)
11. Quadruple its size
12. Dodecachromats- Mantis Shrimp Eyes, see the Ultraviolet and beyond, see magic and invisible stuff
13. Digs/Creates pitfall traps
14. Can survive without a head for 1d6! days.
15. Roll three more times on d12 chart.
16.Parasitic- Roll on local wandering encounter table for usual host
17. Symbiotic- Roll on local wandering encounter table for usual host
18. Mating Fusion- Imprints on a target and fuses to it in order to mate, nominally another of their species but that doesn't always happen
19. Parthenogenesis- Can reproduce without a mate at astonishing speeds.
20. Roll on the Quirks list until you are bored

By Sandra Duchiewicz

1d100 NOW MAKE IT WEIRD
1. Actually feeds on: 1. Dreams, 2 Emotions, 3. Spinal Fluid, 4. Bones 5. Metal 6. Magic
2. Has humanoid limbs
3. Mimics the face of its last victim.
4. Can taste through its limbs, 25% limbs actually are tongues
5. Spits napalm
6. Limbs are tentacles
7. Injects its young into living victims.
8. Can mimic 1d20 sounds including voices/words
9. Lives in an abandoned 1. Shell 2. Skull 3. Coconut 4. Human Detritus
10. Collects teeth for nest construction
11. Biologically Immortal
12. Is actually the larval form of the local variety of goblin
13. Is Telepathic (1. Broadcasts to everything 2. Communicates with other bugs 3. Actually intelligent 4. Connects to a singular host)
14. Is antithetical to other bugs, its presence causes other insects to flee, its touch disintegrates them.
15. Bounces instead of taking fall damage
16.Camouflages as several smaller bugs of different species
17. Killing it causes a localized torrential thunderstorm
18. Doubles its move speed if someone screams in their presence
19. Shell is made of (1. Wood 2. Steel 3. Adamantium 4. Occultium 5. A Face 6.Refuse )
20. Consumes the inside and wears the skin of defeated foes.
21. Can shed its skin rapidly once per day to negate an attack
22. When it molts the discarded carapace lives on as a zombie
23. Is favored by a local deity and killing it causes a 4d6 Lightning Bolt to strike
24. Stomach is a bag of holding
25. Wields a crude appropriately sized weapon
26. Explodes if hit for max damage
27. Its noxious liquid defense spray is a powerful aphrodisiac for one random intelligent species.
28. Is actually a piece of advanced clockwork
29. Is actually a hallucination caused by another bug that bit you a few minutes ago
30. Leaves a permanent stain on anything that hits it.
31. Its droppings are intensely additive narcotics
32. Produces a honeydew/honey that is regenerative in small quantities, mutagenic in large.
33. Is on the coat of arms of a local noble/warlord.
34. Wears a tiny business suit and carries a briefcase. Briefcase contains 1d6 more bugs.
35. Can become completely immovable by locking itself in time/space
36. Is actually a mammal in disguise
37. Capable of surviving extreme temperatures
38. Immune to radiation/magic
39. Buzzing creates an area of Silence (other than the buzz) as far as the noise carries
40. Its sting causes a save or die Disintegration effect
41. Mines, processes, and smelts tiny coins from gold.
42. Is half lion and only consumes insects that otherwise resemble it.
43. Its movement patterns when studied for 8 hours produces a highly accurate augury.
44. Is highly nutritious, a hand-sized portion counts a a ration.
45. Used by the local psychopomp to weigh the souls of the dead against.
46. Bite causes AGONY on top of normal damage
47. Can Voltron with others of its kind, each on adding an additional Quirk and HD.
48. Exists on the same layer of reality as ghosts.
49. Causes a serious anaphylaxis reaction if eaten.
50. Transforms into a completely different bug (reroll everything) every time it is killed.
51. Equal to 1d10GP as a local currency
52. Can cast a random cantrip effect once per day
53. Can cast 1 random spell of 1st-3rd level (or MD if GLOG)
54. Is affected by holy water/energy/relics as undead
55. Is powerfully attracted to holy water/energy/relics
56. Weirdly conventionally attractive?
57. Extreme sexual dimorphism- re-generate bug for male and female
58. Capable of swapping biological sex each molting
59. Can fire 2d6 barbs per day with range as crossbow (damage depending on size)
60. Bioluminescent (Roll 1d8 for color, 1-7 is standard rainbow, 8 is Octarine)
61. Exists 6 inches left of where you actually see it.
62. Increases local gravity minutely, a swarm can double or even triple localize gravity.
63. Is constantly precognizant of 6 seconds in the future
64. Is immune to changes in pressure (survives equally well at bottom of ocean and void of space)
65. Multiply the size by a factor of 10.
66. Only visible when you close your eyes or in absolute darkness
67. Swarms inhabit dead bodies and pilot them.
68. Creates a paper nest that, when boiled and unfurled carefully, depict a hyper accurate map of the local area.
69. Can be disbelieved and ignored like an illusion or a fairy.
70. Is actually a REALLY stressed human who has transformed.
71. The number of limbs are different every time you look at it.
72. Can teleport 6" at a time
73. It clicks in Morse code using prosigns.
74. It considered good luck and locals avoid hurting them at all costs.
75. Is actually a fungus zombie ala cordyceps
76. Lays its eggs in treasure, which its young eat when they hatch.
77. It has grease burns and a scrap of street food wax paper stuck to it
78. Is attracted to music and will follow around any tune.
79. Eggs look like gold coins of the local denomination.
80. Eggs ARE the local denomination.
81. Shells are perfect lenses 50% convex vs concave, glasses and telescope makers covet them
82.Anti-predator warning markings look suspiciously similar to caricatures of a party member.
83. Never dies of age, just keeps getting bigger.
84. Its carapace looks like the face helm of a warrior who died here ages ago.
85. Can travel through mirrors.
86. Creates a disturbing amount of sticky green foam when smashed
87. Eats ectoplasm, feeds primarily on local ghosts.
88. Can generate enough electricity to power a light-bulb for a year and a day.
89. Can be processed by alchemists into an edible and combustible oil.
90. Smells like teen spirit
91. Is the last of its kind
92. Is the first of its kind
92. Is a runaway from a local wizard lab and will mutate and grow larger every hour
93. Will instinctively solve any math problems laid before it.
94. Comes from an alien world and doesn’t adhere to normal biology.
95. Shaped like a letter of an ancient language, a colony can be used to decipher the dead script
96. Is secretly a spy for Beelzebub.
97. Collecting 101 living specimens can be traded to a specific genie for a wish.
98. Roll Twice
99. Y’know what? Roll in this table 5 times, that’s right 5. Twice isn’t enough
100. I’M MAD WITH POWER! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING ON THE LIST! ULTRA BUG

Another 100 Reasons to Adventure

2020-08-23T14:02:00.000-05:00

Folks liked he first one, here's another!

Roll	Reason
1	I have a death wish the size of Jupiter!
2	I'm seeking the one!
3	I'm seeking The One!
4	I'm collecting headbands!
5	I'm building up good Karma for my next incarnation!
6	I'm paying off the bad Karma from my previous incarnation!
7	I have to gather a hoard to turn myself into a dragon!
8	I have to gather a horde and retake my stolen throne!
9	My collection of (1. Swords 2. Spells 3. Coins 4. Bananas) were stolen by a (1. Hellknight 2. Mad Wizad 3. Master Thief 4. Crocodile King)
10	I need to bring back (1. Food 2. Water 3. Weapons 4. Money) to my (1. Parents 2. Village 3. Master 4. Dimension)
11	This is what I'd do for a Klondike bar.
12	I am two goblins in a trench coat and I've gotten too deep, there is no going back now!
13	I am a (1. Wolf 2. Horse 3. Tree 4. Politician) cursed into human form.
14	My other bodies perished in the Grasslands and I seek to expand myself once again.
15	I was a skeleton but a botched resurrection covered me with flesh, now I have to do things like getting a job and eating!
16	I have delayed my ascension to help others on their journeys.
17	I have been sent here from beyond (1. Time/Space 2. The Grave) for an important mission.
18	I'm collecting information on this world to report to (1. The Creator 2. The Space Council 3. Azathoth 4. Gary Gygax)
19	I was transplanted here from another system (1. Tunnel Goons 2. Esoteric Enterprises 3. SEACAT 4. 6th Edition)
20	I'm paying off my student loans!
21	I want to share the song my people! (d o o t)
22	Its none of your damn business!
23	The Derro will find me if I don't keep moving!
24	The Derro instruct me to keep moving so I can find them!
25	I'm seeking the Stone Books to translate ancient Atlantean knowledge!
26	I blew up the Tomb of the Serpent Kings and now Xiximanter has a vendetta!
27	I am seeking to usurp the power of Moloch!
28	I fell through a wardrobe!
29	A wizard invited a bunch of dwarves to my house and now here I am!
30	My doppelganger is out there and I must slay them!
31	I'm a doppelganger and I must slay my counterpart!
32	I'm on the run from a bunch of tulpas!
33	I have this extremely embarrassing tattoo and I can't hold down any other jobs.
34	I am getting paid so much!
35	I did it on a dare!
36	I did it on a dare to avoid Truth in Truth or Dare!
37	The regular hero is sick and I'm the replacement!
38	Had to get away from an ex.
39	Someone one has to be the adult around here.
40	I was a wolf who was bitten by a human, now I'm a wereman and I need to find a cure!
41	Bigfeet ate my goats, gotta get revenge!
42	Smoked too much Christmas Cheer and now I'm here.
43	I went off the grid and I'm getting paid under the table for wetwork.
44	My beet farm went under and now I have to used my only other talent, bear wrestling.
45	I was born in a dungeon and I only feel comfortable in dark dank places.
46	I got very lost on my way to the bathroom!
47	My (1. Dog 2. Sibling 3. Love 4. Nipples) vanished and I'm looking for them.
48	Someone stole my skin!
49	A pterodactyl is chasing me (there's no pterodactyl)
50	I want to be the very best! (Like no one ever was)
51	I'm stuck in a time loop caused by pirated cable and an explosion!
52	I was conscripted into the Knights of Mars and now I must beat the daylights out of the non-believers!
53	This is all a dream and I'm sleepwalking!
54	I'm actively proving that fortune teller wrong!
55	I owe Goody Mooncup money!
56	All the cool kids are doing it!
57	I'm collecting bones for my etsy store!
58	This is the last stage of my exposure therapy!
59	I'm an escaped psychopath.
60	My bathtub came to life, walked me out here to the woods and dumped me out.
61	I was told this was going to be a wholesome romp through Ghilbi-esque hills!
62	The Wizard Police are after me for Copyright Infringement!
63	I want to prove myself worthy of (1. My Power 2. My Heirloom 3. My Family Name 4. Myself)
64	I seek a way to release the spirit bound to my ring.
65	I just broke free of a Charm and who are you people?
66	I was just unfrozen from cryostasis and the currency from my era is no longer accepted.
67	The ghost of my great grandmother won't leave me alone until I prove myself a hero.
68	An annoying talking animal keeps telling me I need to fine the moon princess.
69	I ate a unicorn and now I'm desperately trying to make up for it.
70	My parents were killed before my eyes and I seek eternal vengeance against evil doers.
71	A Circle of Druids abducted my dog.
72	I keep reliving this timeline until I complete my quest...only I forget what the quest is...
73	I'm a gonzo journalist and things just got weird.
74	I was marooned here by my rebellious airship crew after they found I was a fraud.
75	I went for a bushwee and my family left me behind.
76	I'm on a twelve step program and "clear a dungeon" is step 4 I guess?
77	I have to help my pal master the four elements.
78	I have no attention span and ooh look a goblin!
79	I wished upon a star to become a real [Insert Species] and now I gotta pay rent.
80	I am Skeleton Jelly!
81	My ex-boss kidnapped my boyfriend's mom!
82	I just ran out of shit to do!
83	I went out into the woods to deliver a pie to grandma, killed a wolf, got to like violence.
84	We defeated the monster attacking the village but it turned out capitalism was the real monster all along.
85	I want to live the adventurous childhood I never had.
86	They told me fresh air would be good for me, pretty certain this cave air isn't fresh...
87	Step Aerobics just wasn't enough of an exercise for me any longer.
88	I got kicked out of the band because my lyrics were too "philosophical."
89	I am looking for reasons to adventure for a big list I'm compiling.
90	A sociopathic craving for violence that only a high-fantasy adventure of indiscriminately murdering beastmen free of accountability can sate.
91	My fiance-to-be is very demanding!
92	My spouse has developed some very strange cravings...
93	I'm escaping the consequences of a Las Faegas shotgun wedding!
94	I'm looking for the person who fits this glass shoe.
95	I'm escaping an aristocrat with a thing for feet.
96	I have this glass shoe that doesn't fit me so I'm keeping it away from my humble but pretty stepsister!
97	They cut me out of a troll's stomach and now I have to find my way home!
98	I was in the latrine at a Ren Fair and when I came out I was here.
99	I'm just looking for a really good cup of coffee.
100	Roll twice, shake well, and come up with something yourself

Things Found in a Troll's Stomach

2020-08-16T21:17:00.004-05:00

My brain is dead so time to do a random list. Maybe you killed the Troll and you are searching through its insides. Maybe you punched its gut so hard it threw up. I don't know. Maybe consider rolling when the troll is first encountered and see how what it ate might affect the entire fight.

Any good wizard knows that one of the prime ingredients in making your own bag of holding is an intact troll stomach.

1. A Gastrolith the size of a watermelon.
2. Troll Bezoar, difficult to differentiate from the Gastrolith. Goat Bezoars can heal poison, Troll Bezoars are made of the shit that even Trolls can't digest all rolled together into a thick horrific mass. 10% chance it cures anything, 90% of giving you Super Tetanus, Mummy Rot, and 1 other random disease.
3. A fresh adventurer mashed into a pulp. Roll on a random NPC charge with all of their equipment.
4. A Baby Troll. Trolls reproduce by eating enough meat in one sitting and eating a large portion of itself. Surviving, the meats combine and make a new unique troll. It gets a surprise attack on your face.
5. 10d6 Teeth, 60-Teeth gold coins, and a pair of very large butterfly wings.
6. 60 Gallons of a non-acidic liquid from the d100 Bottled Goods list. It got into a Distillery and/or Alchemist's lab.
7. A signet ring, a water tight case with scrolls regarding an armistice between two warring countries, and four horseshoes.
8. AAAAAHHHHHH FUCK MEAT BEE HIVE
9. A really really annoying/annoyed Demilich.
10. A small sphere of annihilation, no wonder the troll was so emaciated.
11. A License Plate from a 1971 Ford Pinto.
12. A partridge and a bunch of pears, 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens 4 calling birds, 5 gold rings 6 geese a-laying, 7 swans a-swimming, 8 maids a-milking, 9 ladies dancing, 10 lords a-leaping, 11 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming
13. A magically powered personal "massager" that is stuck in on.
14. 1d6 Taxidermy Deer Butts
15. A Sentient Disease that was piloting the troll towards as reservoir.
16. 6 Goblins piloting a very convincing paper machete troll.
17. THE ORKUS
18. Highly Corroded Antikythera Mechanism
19. Its Parent
20. An Ochre Jelly

21. Mijster Willem, travelling bard from the lands of pine and moss, with a penchant for misfortune

22. An entire coffin, perfectly sized to one of the PCs.

23. 1d20! Skeletons Jellies

24. A collection of liquid books in mason jars and a very small door to the Stygian Library.

25. A small man with a funny hat puppeteering it via sticks and levers.

26. 1d12 tied off balloons full of random wizard drugs.

27. Seven League Sandals, as Seven League Boots but Dex save or trip and become a Seven League Skidmark.

28. 1d100 Spiders/Scorpians/Solifugae

29. Maggie, an acid resistant but slightly torn pink teddy bear that allows their new owner to resist any affect that would interfere with natural sleep/rest.

30. A Novelty Zombie

31. 1d10 Miles of Intestine. A trained Augur could, given time, predict general fortunes of the region for a number of years equal to the length of the intestines in miles.

32. Four and twenty live blackbirds

33. A Giant Fluke, stats as a boa constrictor.

34. A very grateful and very moist Prince.

35. A Decanter of Endless Chicken Soup and a pulped copy of Chicken Soup for the Troll's Soul

36. 1d10 HD (or 1d10 1HD) Gloops!

37. 1d10 More Nested Stomachs, roll again for each

38. A tin of curiously strong mints.

39. A lot of beard hair, fourteen skulls, a map to a mountain and a key.

40. A really really confused summoner.

41. A 40' tall saguaro cactus that explodes into full size when released.

42. A hole that leads to another troll's and stomach.

43. All of the lost Left Socks.

44. 1d100 Hagfish and a proportional amount of slime.

45. The entire contents of a small peasant cottage, still in surprisingly good shape.

46. A wolf whose own stomach is a dungeon, within which is a ghoul whose stomach is a dungeon.

47. Nothing at all, the entirely of the Troll is empty.

48. An upset man with crosses tattooed over his eyes, immediately attacks any magic users.

49. THIS ASSHOLE

50. A priceless work of art, now....well priced less.

51. That package you swore you sent and never arrived.

52. A soggy mass of vegetation. If left alone it will grow into a vegan Moss Troll.

53. V_Woolfe's Lost Shipments

54. A magic arrow that unlocks one's hidden power when struck with it. Or maybe it just kills you.

55. A rubberband ball, 1d6! inches in circumfrance

56. The Greyhawk Philharmonic Orchestra, they expect someone to pay them.

57. An extremely ugly piggy bank, gets bigger as you feed it money. Turns into a 10 HD vicious golden boar when fed 100GP total.

58. A Shoggoth

59. A meat cleaver, a wooden leg, an eye patch, and a name badge "Greasetrap The Pirate"

60. Buer, its always goddamn Buer isn't it?

61. A Golem made of Liquid Mercury, thanks you then flees back to guard a lost tomb somewhere.

62. The Keys to a Golden Barge

63. A Scrying Orb that is currently watching the party and a conical hat with embroidered stars.

64. A Heinous Idol

65. An ungrateful rabid badger.

66. Stomach explodes as a max power fireball when pierced.

67. A cloud of Cordyceps spores

68. 1d100 Zines
69. Exactly what you'd think would occupy the 69th slot in this list.
70. A Cookbook, a cauldron, 1d6 random ingredients, and a one eyed hunch backed witch
71. A Troll Pearl- Like an oyster pearl, something indigestible gets stuck and overtime is covered in something not unlike Nacre. Eventually it is excreted in one fashion or another, but this one is massive and is worth a small dragon's hoard.
72. Troll Beer- Under very rare circumstances a troll's stomach will ferment its last meal into a highly potent alcohol capable of frying a dwarf's beard right from their face. Troll Beer gives its drinker a Troll's regenerative qualities as long as the drinker remains drunk. It also deals 1d6 permanent Con damage from the sheer taxing power it has on one's liver.
73. Oil- This extremely old troll's digestive tract has been compressing its meals for longer than mankind has been around, 1d10 barrels of crude oil pours from his million year bowels.
74. An Unbound Familiar
75. 1d1000 small magnetic balls
76. A fully outfitted and fully dead doppelganger version of the party.
77. Troll Ambergris- A green-grey greasy substance that is absolutely essential in crafting arcane perfumes. These allow Potions to be turned into an aerosol and affect via smell rather than drinking them. Also apparently goes excellent with scrambled eggs. Beloved by Wizards and especially decadent gourmands.
78. Gnorbert- A gnome in an acid and bludgeoning proof suit of his own design. Is really frustrated that the party let him out before the suit could be fully tested.
79. A tiny submarine with a staff of tiny scientists.
80. The lost 11th-20th Commandments.
81. A perfectly oven fresh loaf of bread
82. A dead infomercial host along with their product. Slapchop, Oxyclean, Red Copper Pan all come to mind.
83. A Brick of Fluorine that immediately sublimates and reacts. Google up how awful Fluorine is.

84. A combination lock inside of a dirty sock. Deals 1d4 Bludgeoning damage.

85. The Last Dodo

86. The First Dodo

87. A meteorite- Contains enough adamantine for a single sword of destiny.

88. The first thing that pops up when you hit Random Article on Wikipedia.

89. An entire bog worth of cranberries.

90. Everything from a Giant's Sack list.

91. Panic Attack Jack- Springs out screaming, save or be driven temporarily insane. Panic Attack Jack flees into the woods.

92. Ancient Scroll of Mystical Martial Arts Techniques

93. A gold fortune cookie but when you open it is just says "gross"

94. Choose a book off of your shelf without looking. That.

95. A complete dinner set of fancy silverware.

96. The killing blow causes it to burst out fluff and blood, like some hideous inhabitant of the Hundred Acres Woods.

97. Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf, he's brandishing a knife.

98. The Legendary Axe of Dwarfish Lords, Dwarf King Skeleton still attached.

99, A Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

100. Page 57 from the whole earth catalogs last issue, printed 1970.

Carnival Mini Games for my Eldritch Americana Campaign

2020-08-02T21:32:00.002-05:00

My group of Eldritch Americana waste-wanderers are having a low stakes filler episode at the carnival. Here are some mini games we did while there. Most of the games are rigged. Encourage players to sneakily screw over the carnies at the midway. It is 1908, the Moon is shattered, the Elder Gods have returned and Centaur President Teddy Roosevelt is on his way out. Time to have fun.

High Striker

Good old hit the lever with the hammer and ring the bell. A straight up and down strength contest...well 1-in-10 times. The other 9-in-10 times its rigged and there is no way in hell you could win. Prize is bragging rights and a jumbo sized stuffed teddy bear.

Coconut Shy
Stack of 6 coconuts knock them down for a prize. Touted as a test of manual dexterity and skill.

Dex test will always result in 1 staying up, Strength test to knock them all down (glued together).

Small Prize- A coconut

Big prize- Chalkware figurine , 1-in-6 chance of being cursed, 1-in-6 chance of being worth a small fortune to a collector.

Ring Toss
Toss rings to get prizes. Attack roll against Chain for random prize, Attack roll against Plate + Shield for a specific prize. This can work with a Balloon Pop game too.

Red- Chinese Finger trap, may require a Wisdom or Strength check to escape.
Orange - Goldfish
Yellow- Beaglepuss glasses, may work as a disguise against particularly dense NPCs.
Green- Living Balloon animal (acts as animal it is modeled after, 1 hp, no defense)
Blue- Tickets for Ferris wheel
Indigo- Big Swirly Lollipop
Violet- Scented Paper Flower
Octarine- Can only be seen by those with Wizard Vision or getting a critical success, win a random Minor Magic Item

Whack a Mole

A Mole-Man in a white jump suit pops up from one of 5 holes around you. Roll under initiative to hit them with a paint soaked foam-bat. The Mole-Man also has a paint-bat and will hit you back if you miss. Least painted after 5 rounds wins. Prize is a folding hand fan painted by the Mole-Man.

Bobbing for Heads

A carnie with a can stands before a tin tub full of water. "Bobbing for heads," he hawks, "That's right bobbing for heads, fun for the whole family!" When approached, he unsheathes his cane sword and cleanly slices off the heads of the interested party members. He rolls the still living heads into the water where they must shout commands to their headless bodies to pick their head back up and attach it back to their body. Remember left-to-right reversal also potential shenanigans for putting the wrong head on the wrong body.

Tunnel of Love

Yeah we had a romantic scene with magic lights and a first kiss between a man and a gooseman. DON'T JUDGE ME BRO IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

Ferris Wheel

Nice big Ferris Wheel, see your house from the top. 1-in-6 chance it gets stuck with folks at the top. 1-in-6 chance it spins wildly out of control.

Wooden Roller Coaster

Roll constitution to avoid vomiting, immune to similar effects after saving.

Ghost Train
Ride in a mine cart through a “haunted tunnel” while a variety of horrors cause Fear effect, save or react appropriately. Saving against Fear effect here renders you immune to Fear on your next appropriate encounter. I'm personally excited for the potential here because the Fear effects reactions from my party here range from Run Away to Freeze Up to GOOSE ATTACK MODE.

GLOOP! Eating Contest-

Contestants have their hands tied behind their backs and sit in front of a large trough. Gloop! of a variety of flavors is released into the trough. The Gloop wants to be eaten and makes happy cooing noises as they shove and ooze their way to the contestants' mouths. Roll Con each round to keep down the Gloop, may have other effects depending on the type of Gloop eaten. Last one standing wins. NPC contestants have 8, 10, 12, and 14 Con. Any vomited Gloops will coo sadly then try to have someone else eat them. Winner gets a 2 HD Gloop pet.

Craterton

2020-05-22T21:43:00.000-05:00

I was going to make a play report for the live GLOG stuff I've been playing but I've not been in the right mind place to write it all up yet. It is nominally another Tomb of the Serpent Kings play through in what is essentially a take on Arnold K's Eldritch Americana. However after only going a little ways into the tomb, my players decided to head back to town for plans, supplies, and misadventures. We've spent the last three sessions in town and they are enjoying themselves so much that I'm afraid they won't leave. Here's a quick overview.

Craterton

Government:

Mayor Godfrey Burp, sentient gas-based lifeform from another dimension, inhabits a deep sea diving suit, will do anything to be re-elected, wants to turn the local snakeman tombs into tourist attraction.
Assistant Mayor Parry-Parry-Lunge- An épée swerda stuck in a tall, thin androgynous body, wears a variety of fancy hats. Can't talk, but is really good at charades.
Katrina Van Tassel- Burp’s Blemmyes secretary. Pince nez glasses, feathery hat, crows feet. Breeds Schnappshunds, 700 lb alcoholic bat-dog-camel beasts.

Landmarks:

The Tagaq River, infested with Walrus.

The Rock: Fell from the Moon when it hatched, the cause of the crater. About 5 stories tall, City Hall is built in front of it.

Locations:

University Extension Office- Underwhelming, run by Theo Finch, a twitchy man who mostly runs tests and numbers for the main campus. Believes in Sneeple. No students currently here. Building has a few temporary bedrooms, a testing room, and four temporary professor offices. Dr. Azoth, Chemistry, Dr. Drenan, Archaeology, Dr. Gilead, Medicine, Dr. N. T. Bang, Public Speaking.
The Galvanic Shrine of Edidon: Power Plant, Ardents of Edison take shifts turning The Great Amber Wheel to produce electricity. Mother Ion leads the congregation.
The Chamber of Commerce/Tourism Board: Desperately trying to bolster the town into something more than it is, currently just made it into an iffy tourist trap.
Rook’s Hashish Lounge- A hookah bar run by Roland Rook, a crowperson cowboy. Doesn’t really know what Hashish is, just stuffs random herbs into waterbongs and sees what happens.
Crooner’s Saloon: A Karaoke bar, owner is notoriously bad at singing. Drinks are great though. Deaf Dan is here, so is Boblin the Goblin, Halifax the Thief-King, various students. Bartender is Petey the Parrot
Cafe de la Lune: Near to townhall and the Rock, a cafe filled with small tables, chairs, checkers, outside seating and nearly no customers right now. Coffee comes from network of brass tubes and steamworks that take up most of the ceiling and the wall behind the counter. Run by married pair of scarab headed women, (Totally Khepri)
Ma Lubbik’s Five and Dime: General store with most general goods you might need. Ma Lubbik wares exceptionally thick glasses and has homemade boiled sweets at the counter. Carries basic guns and ammunition. Keeps a secret stock of dynamite.
The People Place: A temp hiring agency. Currently has a few students, a handful of roughnecks, The Mysterious Friend, and others. No staff, there is a coin operated tube that drops a lottery ball indicating who is available.
The Water Shop: Sells various waters, the owner is a Vodyanoy named Bolotnik, and sits in a bathtub in the middle of the store.
See No Evil: Shop is completely dark, sells mildly cursed trinkets. Owner is exceptionally ugly,
Pawn Shop: Run by a trio of Mandrills, Marley, Harley, and Barley. The three of them are colored Gold, Silver, and Bronze.
Land Office: Currently selling plots of land, includes novelty plots of land on the moon, Mars, and Opponent Earth.staffed by Norbert Stroud who is...uncomfortably attentive.
Tame Mimic Shop: Sells “tame” mimics that come in various forms. Current popular model is “Wooden Chair''.” Whole store is actually a mimic. Owner is Miss Faux, who is actually a mimic and the entire store.
The Sounds Shop: Sells sounds on wax cylinders, owner is made of wax, talks through photographs. Mr. Fin, sort for Paraffin. Some cylinders contain spells, curses, or both.
Telegraph Office: Next to Sounds Shop, Telegrapher has fractal hands and too many ears. No mouth. Fifty cents for a 10 word message from coast to coast.
Tinkerer/Blacksmith: Jackie Pulpit, mostly does farrier work but can handle custom jobs and tinkers with specialty guns.

Encounter Table, Road between Craterton and Anywhere Else

1-6 Bandits

7. Many Legged Walrus

8. Springchicken

9. Gifthorse

10. Roadhog

11. Scapegoat

12. Swarm of Wild Manikins

13. Skeleton Jelly

14. Goddamn Goblins

15. Swerda

16. Humsloth

17. Novelty Zombie

18. Boneneedle Man

19. Maenads

20. Troll 50% Metastasized

Automated GLOG Sheet

2020-05-01T21:37:00.000-05:00

Oh hey, I made an automated GLOG google sheets character sheet based on Skerples' Many Rats hack. Tell me what you think, tell me what you think needs added. Feel free to copy and edit however you like!

Gourmet Street Now Available!

2020-04-15T07:13:00.001-05:00

That's right my hungry friends, Gourmet Street is now available on Itch.Io! Those of you who backed the kickstarter should have received your key this morning and those of you who missed out on the kickstarter now have a chance to buy it!

https://theunlawfulneutral.itch.io/gourmet-street-fantasy-food

A New Setting! - Gourmet Street, a collection of scattered and bizarrely connected alleyways, it seems to pop up in any settlement large enough to begin thinking of itself as a city. Stacked high in wood carts, laid out on intricate rugs, swimming in a myriad of sauces, food is the name of the game on Gourmet Street.
ONE MILLION Food Vendors and Menus! - Never eat the same thing twice! Generate from 8,000 possible unique food vendors and LITERALLY ONE MILLION possible dishes; ranging from Soft-shelled Crabman Sandwiches with Tzatziki sauce and Egg Coffee, to Myconid Zapiekanka in Pesto with a shot of Absinthe!
Food Factions! - From the hyper-radical (and slightly deranged) Neuvo Gastro-Alchemists, to the fanatical and militant Vinegar Knights, the food factions each come with their own wants, goals, and boons, IF you choose to serve them...
A One-Page Adventure: ESCAPE FROM GOURMET STREET! Help a pair (or trio) of star-crossed lovers escape from Gourmet Street in a Snake-and-Ladders inspired chase! Fend off rival lovers, food cart brawls and escaped dishes as you dash through the alleys of Gourmet Street!
And More! Monsters, magic items, and cookbooks for both Players and GMs to use and abuse!

d100 Phobias

2020-04-07T22:03:00.001-05:00

Oh hey, Magnus Archives is back. Lets celebrate with a list of weird niche phobias.

Roll	Phobia
1	Sticky Fingers
2	Long nails
3	Clacking teeth
4	Water
5	Large spaces
6	Small Spaces
7	Being crowded
8	Being alone
9	Being a tulpa
10	Clowns, but specifically ones not currently dressed as clowns
11	Being followed by, but not attacked by, polar bears
12	Being hated for reasons you were once loved
13	Falling into a crevasse
14	Human-like figures
15	Puppies
16	Those fish in Korean foot spas
17	Quilts with mismatching squares
18	Cat bean toes
19	Holes
20	Piles of leaves
21	People crunching ice cubes
22	Tadpoles
23	Human-like animals
24	Animal-like Humans
25	C# note
26	Matryoshka Dolls
27	Anything spherical
28	Religious iconography
29	The fact so many things taste like chicken
30	Maths (Common among druids)
31	Horses (and anything close to them)
32	Impossible Colors ( Stygian Blue for example)
33	The consistency of cottage cheese
34	Doppelgangers
35	Fire
36	Alliteration
37	Tiny people living in the walls
38	Being found dead in an embarrassing position
39	Dim light, not darkness, just dim
40	Of being a matryoshka doll
41	Grease
42	Spirals
43	Finding a hole perfect for you
44	Fish rising from the sea and taking over
45	Mosquitos
46	Things living inside furniture
47	Skeletons, but only the ones still inside people
48	Holidays without an apparently religious purpose
49	Your own reflection
50	Being selected for an epic quest
51	Never being selected for an epic quest
52	Tests of any kind
53	Eggs
54	Buer
55	Attractive doctors
56	Voiding yourself in public
57	Any music more energetic than smooth jazz
58	Aging
59	Disease
60	Getting caught in your own web of lies
61	MEAT
62	The Unknown
63	Being controlled
64	Unpredictable violence
65	Predictable violence
66	Descending into madness and not knowing it
67	Descending into madness and very much knowing it
68	Death
69	Perverse jokes
70	The Dark
71	Bright Light
72	Magic (the sleight of hand kind)
73	Magic (the real kind)
74	Long words
75	Short words
76	Opposable thumbs
77	The word “It”
78	Forgetting anything
79	Losing any part of yourself (skin flakes and snot included)
80	Not being able to go back to your old career
81	Having to go back to your old career
82	Being recognized in a crowd
83	All of the supposedly good bacteria
84	The inevitable progression of entropy
85	The possibility that there is no intrinsic meaning in the world
86	The possibility there is intrinsic meaning in the world, and you’re wrong about it
87	The possibility there is intrinsic meaning in the word, and you’re right about it.
88	Being attacked while bathing
89	Topiary
90	Artificial light sources
91	The eyes on goats, sheep, and octopuses
92	The sounds hear in perfect silence
93	Waking up in an ice bath with missing organs
94	Waking up in a cornfield with extra organs
95	Contracts (and probably Lawyers)
96	Patterns, especially on undergarments
97	The sound of bells
98	Fungi, molds, and any related byproducts
99	Realizing that you are in a dream but being unable to wake up
100	Your whole life actually being a game.

Metalocales

2020-04-06T14:32:00.002-05:00

Continuing from my Metaphigures post, here are come idiomatic locations that might pop up through a metaphorically active metaverse.

Big Rock Candy Mountain/Cockaigne- A land of plenty as long as that plenty is in the form of various vices. Cigarette tress, a lake of stew, alcohol streams, all the police have wooden legs and the dogs have rubber teeth. Dominating the center of the landscape is the big Rock Candy Mountain itself, a towering edifice of multicolored crystal sugar dotted with lollipop trees and inhabited by roast suckling pigs and deep fried turkeys. The top of the mountain is occupied by the Beggar King, Emperor Norton and his faithful dog-knights Bummer and Lazarus. Here he issues decrees the people follow or don't follow at their whim, but generally speaking he's content with his kingdom. Only those travelling the rails for many years have a hope of navigating their way here unaided. This place might actually be a subset of Heaven.

Cloud Cuckoo Land- Above the Big Rock Candy Mountain is a sky of cotton candy clouds where lives the Cuckoos. This is where optimistic imaginations are are forged into Day Dreams and scattered to the Four Winds, dropping down upon the worlds as Serendipity's, Eureka's, and sleepy stares though classroom windows. The Cuckoos are a singular species, but appear individually as anything from fairy tale. The difference between a Cuckoo Elf and a true elf (or any other cuckoo version) is they appear more or less like a child's ideal, a naive platonic shape of an Elf. Rosey cheeked, long blond hair, a friendly smile, they live in trees and bake cookies. A massive castle made of clouds dominates the center of Cloud Cuckoo Land where a female giant celebrates her liberation after her cruel husband fell from a beanstalk to his death.

Cloud 9- Above Cloud Cuckoo Land, the highest cloud in the metaphysical sky, Cloud 9 is a place of perfect euphoria and is mostly inhabited by Buddhas, Enlightened Yogis, and really *really* stoned people. Jacob's Ladder pierces through Cloud 9 and some who travel it decide to get off here for a permanent visit. Sometimes called the Pure Land, all those who inhabit it live in absolute happiness without the need for pleasures of the physical or mental as found in the lands below. One who has not reached this place by their own enlightenment often finds that the Cloud cannot hold them long, their metaphysical and spiritual weight too great and they fall back down into lower lands.

The Way of the Dodo- The final home of extinct species, The Way of the Dodo appears as a glamorous multi-ecosystem space where at least two of every extinct creature now resides. Although one might expect a place that contains every dinosaur as well as Dodos would be a chaotic feeding frenzy, there is somehow always plentiful food of more common varieties. May actually be an experimental space station control by alien hyper-intelligences.

The Hard Place- At the end of Shit Creek and opposite to A Rock, The Hard Place is a sheer vertical cliff extending far into the heavens. Here, the paddle-less paddlers on Shit Creek often find themselves smashed against the rocks and drowned in problems of their own making. However the occasional desperate soul was able to cling to the rocks. The face of The Hard Place is pockmarked with caves, tunnels, pulleys, and platforms as those survivors have made a home for themselves. Living upon The Hard Place is...well hard, but it is the ultimate respite from responsibility in the rest of the world. Your past cannot catch you and you have no future.

Rock Bottom- Beneath the waters of Shit Creek is Rock Bottom, where those who have truly reached the lowest low have come to reside. There is nowhere to go but up in Rock Bottom, but you have to swim through a sea of shit to reach the other side. That's why most of Rock Bottom's inhabitants are flimsy bottom feeders, their near useless bodies flung about by the creek above them as their feet remain deeply buried in the mud. The rare Rock Bottom dweller who is able to resurface finds themselves steeled against nearly any obstacle henceforth, they've lived through the worst and pulled themselves from the bottom, little else will stop them. The secret is you must literally pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

The Den of Iniquity- Mos Eisley Cantina meets Lankhmar meets every gambling den, red light district, and opium house, The Den of Iniquity is knee deep in sin at the doorway and only gets deeper. While the Big Rock Candy Mountain might supply answers to vices, they are of a light hearted sort. The Den, on the other hand, is for those of a more...Caligulan frame of mind. The Master of the House lords over this den of dissolutes, many of whom are eternally bound and indebted to the mysterious Master. Whenever They make an appearance, they take on different but always attention grabbing form and make pronouncements in a voice that is somehow both brassy and sultry at once. Many are certain The Master is a demon cast from hell or maybe the missing Archfiend themselves. They say the backroom contains a one way escalator to Hell.

The Back Alley- Located just behind the Den of Iniquity, the Back Alley is the home of fences, black market surgeons, organ collectors, and other merchants of ill repute. Something like a black market bazaar, it is somehow infinitely massive but absolutely cramped at the same time, the shadows and people always feelings as though they are pressing into you. If you cannot find it anywhere else, you very well might find it here, but it will cost you very dearly.

The Mine of Information- When the dEr0 dug deep enough into the earth, their drills pierced into a fleshy wall. They say that the Astral Plane is the Plane of Thought, where the collective Noosphere of conscious thought is amassed, where raw belief travels to the far horizons of imagination and form into the Outer Planes. This is only partially true. Untold trillions of minds cannot work in concert together to do such a thing. Certain underground dwelling squid-folk can tell you its hard enough to do that with a few dozen. In the depths of each world lies the World-Mind. Tectonics are merely the shifting wrinkles on a massive brain, everywhere we know is really just outer derma and skull, hell is just a migraine. The World-Minds are singular Noosphere of a Crystal Sphere/World, a fragment of the Akashic Record, it is what translates a million million thoughts into something approaching cosmic sense. But the dEr0 reached it and began to mine. They pull out our dreams and tug at our thoughts, the leave paranoia and fragmented memories in their wake. Many a madness, many a night lost in a blink of an eye, many a sudden remembrance of ancient embarrassing deeds can be attributed to the dEr0's mining activities.

Way Back When- A place where all of the remembered past is the present, all at once. As soon as a moment has passed by, it becomes a part of Way Back When, as soon as a moment has passed from living memory it becomes part of the true Past. Worlds with elves and other long lived species tend to have an amazingly complex Way Back When, but worlds dominated by humans and short lived species tend to have a Way Back When composed of a hundred or less years. The elderly have an easier time reaching Way Back When, but a wizard with a funnel, a little electricity, and a verbose old timer might be able to get a reasonably sized party there.

Easy Street, The Road to Damascus, The Garden/Primrose/Straight & Narrow Paths- A single path that forks in many near roads we often find ourselves travelling the paths unknowingly. Easy Street is where many of us want to go, where our lives are made simple by luck and good fortune and every plan works out. However more often than not we find we are actually on the Garden Path, being led astray and towards the Primrose path, where the ease we feel is actually ignorance of the dangers around us. At the end of the Primrose Path sits the Den of Inequity and beyond that Hell itself. Just shortly before the end though, a small path veers away from it. It is Straight and Narrow, and up against a high cliff face (the back side of The Hard Place), but those who can walk this path without falling eventually finds the road widens and becomes a road. The Road to Damascus leads back to the beginning of one's life's journey but allows one to make a complete 180 degree turn, a radical change in a belief and give life another try with that belief set.

Jacob's Ladder- A literal ladder to heaven. Might also be an ancient abandoned Space Elevator. It takes many life times to reach the top under your own power, and you'll probably encounter some pretty annoyed angels along the way. Angels who've not earned their wings yet use this as their primary means to get between Heaven and Earth, luckily being immortal the long climb isn't nearly as troublesome for them. Various stopping points exist along the way, from various other heavens to ladder crossroads to other planets.

The Potter's Field- The metaphysical graveyard of everyone who has died unknown, unloved, and unremembered. Ceaseless miles of rolling hills dotted with dead trees and row after row of blank gravestones. Here and there great crumbling mausoleums exist for those who did great or terrible things in life but were regardless left unsung and unremembered. It connects to every Potter's Field in the multiverse and is commonly used by powerful ghoul nobles as a means of travel.

The Closet (Where the Skeletons are)- Less a closet and more an infinite hallway of closets, this place contains every dirty hidden secret in the multiverse. Doors line both sides of the hall, each titled with a name. Some doors are grouped in families so all of the Vanderdunks will be together and all of the Buckard will be in another. Within each closet is a skeleton (or skeletons) representing the secrets of the individual named. Some sit alone in their closets, others are stuffed tighter than a clown car. When the doors are opened the skeletons pour our en masse screaming their secrets and flailing about rather threateningly. They will only attack, however, if the individual they represent is present or they are attacked first. When the secrets are unleashed in the "real" world, the skeletons burst from their closet and run towards the "End" of the hallway.

School of Hard Knocks- Sister Mary Prudence runs the School of Hard Knocks with an adamant ruler, literally. Here students are subjected to Life Lessons, skills gained through experiencing misfortune and pain rather than any sort of book learning. Classes include: Poverty 101, A Study On Parental Neglect, How to Fail Forward, Taking a Punch, Crash Course on Grief and Loss, and Home Economics. Graduates are few and far between, but those who do get through it tend to have a steel resolve and very tough knuckles.

The Ivory Tower- This altitudinous edifice towers high above the School of Hard Knocks, which it looks down upon with all the paternal conceit of a father eagle perched upon its eyrie. Its facade is garbed in only the most expensive white marble, polished to blinding brightness, so that all may see and flock to this beacon of erudition amid benighted seas of ignorance. Within its sanctified and sanctimonious halls are the greatest of the learned, astute beyond measure after long ages spent plumbing the depths of Absolute Truth without the distractions of work, differing opinions, or "reality" to bog them down. While at times it feels like a thankless, Sisyphean, and nugatory task, the wardens of this tower are tireless in the mission to share their elucidation with the whole world- such is the reach of their armchairs. (Provided by Furtive Goblin)

Off the Map- There are the Cities of the Map and there are places Off The Map. These places cannot be found unless you are wholly lost, and once you find your way there they are difficult to escape. While some of these places are wilderness filled with all sorts of fantastical monsters (imagined by and accidentally created by cartographers) there are many that have been settled by generations of the lost. These are the Dark Towns where weird folkways are kept, strange guilds run the show, and nothing is as it may seem.

Around the Bush- There is this bush you see that is well...unpleasant. We don't really like to talk about it. There are folks there with cricket bats and sheers, they keep it pruned and they beat back anything that tries to escape from it. It is important that they keep beating around the bush, else unpleasant things might get through...

Over the Moon- Right immediately below Cloud 9, you can normally only reach Over the Moon in moments of intense joy and you can only stay for a breath's length. Cows, however, know the secret to being able to jump there and some daring individuals have attempted to ride their bovine steeds here and leap off, hoping for a short cut onto Jacob's Ladder.

The Right Place- There is a time and place for everything, and this is the right place for everything. You just have to wait for the right time. The Right Place is mobile and only has room for one person at a time, so you better be ready to fight someone for it.

A Port in a Storm- A port that appears only in the direst of storms to hopelessly lost crews, Port-in-a-Storm is a friendly bustling seaside town always ready to greet its seagoing visitors. The plentiful land that it calls home is called Fiddler's Green, made of rolling green hills and picturesque farmsteads. It seems to always have room for more while still feeling like a small community where you know everyone's names. The bay below Port in the Storm, however, is the home of Davey Jones' Locker, and many a ship approaching Port-in-a-Storm finds themselves wrecked upon the rocks and dragged below...

Happy Hour- The Eternal 5 O'Clock, Happy Hour is a travelling location where the alcohol always flows and it flows cheap. Dionysus and other deities of wine and revelry live in the Happy Hour and parade around the world to keep it moving, leading with a great entourage of satyrs and maenads and living behind them a swath of stale beer, vomit and hangovers.

Next Week- Can only be reached by being punched really really hard, more than half your HP in a single punch and it has to be a punch. It is a reliable albeit dangerous form of time travel, resulting more often than not in a corpse manifesting out of nowhere. You are flung a number of yards backwards equal to the damage you took and show up exactly one week later.

EXTRAS

Rose Colored Glasses- A pair of spectacles whose lens have been made of pink quartz. When anything is viewed through these glasses, they appear as their most positive ideal state. While wearing these glasses any effects that might cause fear or disgust from appearance alone is nullified for the wearer. However save effects that are related to beauty (such as a Nymph's appearance) are automatically failed.

Beer Goggles- A cursed pair of spectacles with brown lenses. Once worn, they cannot be taken off without either swearing off alcohol for a year and day, drinking a cup of Liquid Sobriety, or a Remove Curse effect. While wearing the Beer Goggles, all creatures you encounter are considered to have to have at least 18 Charisma and you reroll and take the worse result on all Charm saves. On the plus side, you are unable to pass out from alcohol ingestion.

Flying Pigs- Literally pigs with wings, Flying Pigs are no different that domestic swine in temperament or ability (other than the flying) however their existence causes minor side affects in reality. Minor miracles pop up wherever they go. A single Flying Pig unintentionally causes any random first level (or 1 MD) spell effect any time it is spotted, with the effects narrowing to fit a circumstance if the words "When pigs fly" is uttered shortly before it is encountered. For every extra Flying Pig, additional effects occur or singular effects of greater magnitude. A flock of 30-50 wild Flying Pigs is enough to cause Wish-like effects.

Lost Marbles- Small glass beads filled with memories, these baubles are naturally created by the human mind when it forgets something. They usually end up under couches or down drains or up on high shelves, places inconvenient and little explored. As one losing one's marbles one becomes more forgetful and less stable, often leading to permanent insanity. Some wizards know the formula for creating Marbles from scratch, but one must sacrifice one's own memories to make them. You can learn a lot about someone by looking through their lost marbles or one can restore those otherwise deemed irreparably mad by giving them back their marbles.

The Spring Chicken

HD 1

Appearance: A minuscule green feathered bantam with tightly coiled springs for legs

Wants: Chicken things, to not be eaten
Armor: As Plate + Shield, its REALLY agile!
Move: 5x Normal
Morale: 2, 12 if cornered
Damage: Peck 1 , Claw 1d6

Spring Cannon- If the Spring Chicken spends a round coiling up, it may unleash at extreme force. It may move 20x its normal speed in a single direction. Any targets in its way must Save vs. Dex or be impaled 4d6 damage. A target with Chainmail or better armor takes damage less their armor bonus. A shield may be sacrificed to negate the attack.

What happens when a chicken egg is incubated by a grasshopper, the Spring Chicken is a rare sight bounding at high speeds across the plains. It has few natural predators due to its high speed and tendency to torpedo through wolves, though the occasional peregrine falcon is lucky. The Spring Chicken is, however, highly sought after as even the least experienced alchemist can distill its blood into a single dose of Liquid Youth. An experienced chef, however, can cook this poussin into a meal that completely halts the consumer's aging process, albeit doesn't extend their total lifespan.

GLOG Class: A Very Normal Potato

2020-04-01T12:49:00.001-05:00

Created by request of a certain yellow shark on the OSR discord.

Class: Very Normal Potato
Starting Equipment: A small clay pot with some soil, ALTERNATIVELY a pinch of salt and a pat of butter
Starting Skill: 1. Growing Eyes 2. Getting Moldy 3. Tasting Delicious

A: Potato
B: Po-tay-toe
C: POTATO
D: Poe-tat-oh

Potato: You can't hold things. You can't climb ropes or ladders. Your Movement is 0 (Human Movement is 12) but if you are rolled down a hill your Movement is 15. You can be thrown with enough force to deal 1d6 damage. You have armor as leather for being small and unassuming. You have no inventory slots. You are worth one ration. If left out in the sun and allowed to turn green, you are toxic to humanoids, causing severe diarrhea . You can power a single lightbulb or a simple clock. One member of the party is absolutely convinced that you are a valid member of the party and speaks for you. You are unable to communicate and it is very likely you are unable to perceive the world around you.

Poe-tay-toe: A party member has poked sticks into your sides to simulate limbs and drew a little face on your "front." You are still a potato. The party member can make a charisma check at a -4 penalty to attempt to convince others that you are a valid individual. They introduce you as Mr/Mrs. Spudnoggin.

POTATO: When two or more creatures capable of speech witness you for the first time together, they must Save vs. Int or quibble about the correct pronunciation of Potato. They have advantage on check if the situation is obviously threatening (combat, an obvious trap etc)

Poe-tat-oh: You have sprouted. When planted and tended carefully, you will produce 10 more Potatoes in about 70 days. An alchemist or wizard might speed that process or cause you to mutate into something terrible, like a carrot. If you are not planted, you grow steadily more toxic for consumption. Anyone eating you in this state must make 3 consecutive saves within 10 minutes. Vs. Poison or have severe nausea, failing that Save vs. Paralysis or be paralyzed, failing that Save vs. Death or die.

Strange Diseases Picked Up While Adventuring

2020-03-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

[ASIDE] NOTE: Uhhhh....this one sat on the backburner a long while (My draft data says like 5 months) and I'm trying to clear up posts that were nearly complete pre-Kickstarter and just needed editing and finalizing. I know it might not be the...best time for this post? But I'm just going to leave it here and hope someone gets some use out of it. [/ASIDE]

Adventurers get really weird diseases. It is part of the package. They delve into unexplored regions of the earth, tromp through the deepest, darkest jungles, and travel between alternate realities. They stick their hands, feet, and other bits in places they absolutely don't belong. If it is even remotely edible, an Adventurer will eat it and sometimes even when it is, by all logic, inedible. These are some of the weird illnesses that adventurers might come across. I created each with a class in mind, but there is no reason why there cannot be cross contamination!

Sludge Blood: In an attempt at subjecting "barbarian" tribes, the Magocracy introduced this disease into their ranks. It resulted in a series of tribal reforms, an up-welling of education, a keen interested in meditative marital arts and the eventual destruction of the Magocracy at the hands of a vast eerily calm army.

This disease thickens and slows the blood in response to intense emotions. In the throes of battle it can be somewhat beneficial as the infected form scabs so quickly that bleeding out is near impossible. However the infected are also much more prone to fatigue, gaining it at a doubled rate and becoming fatigued after 3 rounds of heavy exertion. Any spells that would affect emotional states are halved in effectiveness as the blood is less able to move the hormonal responses around the body. Truly intense emotions such as a Barbarian's Rage overtax the infected's heart and they must Save vs. Death each round while under its effects or have a heart attack.

Note Leeches: Bards, goliards, and the like get some of the weirdest diseases imaginable. In a fantasy world where giants and dragons and cthulhu are roaming about, being someone with a willingness to bed nearly anything is an extreme sport. This is why Note Leeches are a thing. Don't ask what lute-strumming maniac bedded what creature originally to cause Note Leeches to spread, but it is an STD so that must have been how it happened. The Note Leech starts its life as a bundle of cocooned eggs looking not dissimilar to tonsil stones. When passed between two beings, the cocoons hatch and release the young Note Leeches. These Leeches sustain themselves on sound, specifically the sound of their host's voice. In the early stages, this will mildly reduce the volume of the host's voice and may cause occasional cracking of their voice. However as the leeches mature (eventually leading to the survival of only one Leech) they become specialized in the consumption of one note. Thus there are seven varieties of known Note Leech: Do, Ri, Mi, Fa, So, La and Ti. While bad enough, these leeches are fully asexual and thus an adult leech can spawn additional leeches in a short period of time. For every adult leech, the infected host has a 1-in-6 chance of being incapable of an action that relies on speech (such as diplomacy, some forms of magic, etc). 6 leeches renders the host complete mute and the 7th leech is enough to fully asphyxiate the host.

Once a host has died, the seven adult leeches would presumably starve, but they have another terrible trick up their metaphoric sleeve. Working in concert, the adult leeches undergo a metamorphosis, using their host's corpse as a cocoon of sorts. The creature that eventually emerges is a Solfeggian.

Solfeggian
HD 7
Appearance: As a somewhat bloated and disheveled bard, until it opens it mouth to reveal seven massive flailing leech-tongues.
Wants: Noise
Armor: As Chain
Move: Normal, Spider Climb, Swim
Morale: 10
Damage: See Below
Mimicry- The Solfeggian is a perfect mimic of sounds, anything it hears it can reproduce again.
Silent Feeding- When the Solfeggian feeds, it creates sphere of silence around itself. This is not, strictly speaking, magical Silence, rather it is all sound being consumed by the Solfeggian. While still, the Solfeggian's sphere of silence expands at a rate 30' a round up to a mile. While mobile, the Solfeggian can only keep up a 10' radius of silence.
Cacophonous Vomit- If the Solfeggian has fed for a round, they are able to regurgitate that noise as a concussive sound blast. For every round fed, the sound blast may increase its damage by 1d6 or its range by 10'. Baseline is 1d6 damage and a 10' cone.

God Head aka Inflammation of the Third Eye: Those who commune with the divine do so via a link through their pineal gland, the so-called third eye. This gland is able to filter the information received from Divine Light and translate it into miracles. Furthermore it is able to translate prayers into Divine Light and literally beam it to the heavens. Sometimes, however, this small gland can cause major issues. When inflamed by injury, sickness, or curse, the Third Eye starts to malfunction. It continues to receive the Divine Light of the gods, but its ability to translate and emit that light is no longer reliable.

As the gland continues to receive Divine Light, it swells the patient's head and begins to leak. Minor miracles pop up randomly with early stages causing halos, stigmata, and tears of glass. During this stage there is a 50% chance of any divine spell cast to be randomly replaced any any other divine spell. Later stages causing random mass multiplications of fish and bread, nearby bodies of water turning to wine, and sudden plagues. Divine spells cast are completely randomized and doubled in potency. At the final stage, the infected Pineal gland explodes, firing a concentrated beam of divine light skywards. This beam can be seen from hundreds of miles as a great golden light, bringing tears and strange miracles to all who witness it.

1d20 Weird Miracles

It starts to rain manna, but in really big heavy chunks that fall like hailstones.
Living things in the affected area eventually give birth to offspring that resemble angels. The weird ones.
Every book and written word within miles of the area turns into a random, unrelated snippet from the Akashic Records.
People witnessing the beam turn into pillars of salt
Statues weep blood that heals people if ingested.
Everyone feeling a vague yet inescapable feeling of religious guilt.
Animals buddy up unnaturally, lions and lambs, wolves and rabbits etc.
1d6 peasants from the surrounding countryside have prophetic dreams and gain messianic followings.
Works of art that have been previously defaced during iconoclastic crises spontaneously regenerate all of their features, except now they look angry.
All water for a Hex-sized area (including the inside of living things) turns into wine.
A religious thought-plague begins to spread among groups of nearby people causing them to aggressively virtue signal at one another and perform escalating "holier than thou" displays of piety until it devolves into open brawling.
Affected people start compulsively reciting pieces of scripture they may or may not have ever read before, but only the really out-of-place and awkward parts like that Biblical thing about donkey emissions.
The fist of an annoyed, sleepy god comes down through the clouds and smacks the origin of the beam of light while a thunderous voice mutters something about "just five more centuries..."
A localized Apocalypse occurs: small scale war between angels and demons, plagues, etc.
All demons, curses, and diseases (for they are the same thing) within the area are banished/cured.
Everything dead in the region comes back to life (50/50 True Life or Zombie Plague)
Tulpas incarnate across the region based on the local noosphere.
It rains 1d6: 1 Fire 2. Fish 3. Frog 4. Undifferentiated Meat 5. Blood 6. Rocks
A spring of healing water bursts forth from the ground.
Roll Twice, if 20 is rolled again a massive angel shows up carrying a very small scroll which he tries to get someone to eat. It tastes like honey but it kinda makes your stomach sour. Something something seven thunders and there "WILL BE NO DELAY"

After the Divine Light finally dies out, the previously infected individual saves vs. Death. On failure they crumble to ash. On success, they "survive" with a huge trepanned hole in their head. They are now, for all intents and purposes, a divinely powered lich. Every day they must Save vs. Death again or experience sudden Rapture.

Mega Rabies: A disease cooked up by the Druids, Mega Rabies was originally used as a method of druidic ascension before a more virulent strain was developed and it became a weapon. Like regular rabies, Mega Rabies is transferred via the bite or exposure to the saliva of something already infected. Victims experience hyper aggression, hydrophobia, regression of higher thinking, loss of symbolic thought, extreme hunger, and random transformations into dire forms of predator species. It is a little known fact that many supposed cases of lycanthropy are in fact rampant Mega Rabies. Mega Rabies in animals causes similar symptoms and a rapid swelling into dire forms. All Archdruids have Mega Rabies.

Hate Fugue- Adventurers are fueled by a plethora of whims and goals with gold and fame being the two most popular. There are some, however, that are fueled by racism *COUGH* RANGERS *COUGH*. These horrid sods are so one-mindedly obsessed with their hated targets that they dedicate large swaths of their mental power to knowing every possible detail of their foe. This much hate combined with this much knowledge sometimes fuse into a neurological disorder called The Hate Fugue. While in this fugue, the victim will perceive everything around them as reflection of their "favored enemy." Any sort of bonuses that apply to damaging or otherwise harming their hated enemy applies to any target. They are also unable to tell friend from foe and must save every round not to immediately attack any other living (or unliving) creature. Pretty much the only way (barring magic) to cure the Hate Fugue is to find a way for them to come to terms with their hate (and lose any hate related abilities.) A creature who dies while in the throes of the Hate Fugue rise as a Revenent the following New Moon to continue their vile work.

Sticky Fingers- This one is a fungal infection (oh joy) that you can get from sticking your hands places where they don't belong. The initial symptom of Sticky Fingers is excessively sweaty and clammy hands. Over the course of a few days, the sweat becomes increasingly sticky. At first this might actually appear to be a boon! The stickier grip gives advantage (or equivalent) on resisting disarming, on climbing, or pickpocketing and essentially anything where a sticky grip might come in handy. After a week, however, it becomes an increasing issue. The infected individual must make a strength check to remove anything from their grip (and hopefully didn't use their other sticky hand to release the grip.) At this point the stickiness spreads, slowly making their entire body sticky. Their speed halves as the the oozing glue spreads from their feet, overflowing out of boots. It becomes necessary to cut them out of clothing and armor is only removable with outside help and taking 1d6 damage from it tearing off of your skin. After two weeks, your sweat is now equivalent to Sovereign Glue and it is impossible to detatch from anything without application of the Universal Solvent. At this point, unless constantly scrapped and bathed, the victim will slowly become a sticky white statue either dying of hunger, thirst, or asphyxiation. 1d6 days after the victim perishes, the Sticky Fingers glue/fungus flakes away into myriad spores and leaves a dehydrated mummy corpse behind. Early stages of this disease can be treated with constant bathing with soap and water, requiring at least a bath a day and a scrub after any sweat-inducing activity. Later stages can only be cured with exotic anti-fungal medicines or potent magic.

Hyperrealism- The source of a Sorcerer's power is that they are MORE REAL than everything else around them. Well mostly everything else. This might come from a fluke in dimensions, heavy exposure to magic (the realest thing) in the womb, or having the blood of something extremely magic flowing in their veins (dragons, fairies, etc). Sorcerers have a tendency to be megalomaniacs who eventually explode. Hyperreal Sorcerers are megalomaniacs who eventually go thermonuclear. Hyperrealism is usually caught via extended stays on other planes, exposure to sufficiently higher-dimensional beings (Cthulhu), long term exposure pure Octarine light or ingestion of Occultum.

The first symptom of Hyperrealism is an increasing narcissism and megalomania, both of which are unlikely to be noticed in Sorcerers. A week later this is followed by a stabilization of their power as they cast with 1 less Instability die (or gain an additional use of some blood related power etc.). This, of course, swells the Sorcerer's megalomania. The sorcerer must save each day after this time. Each failed save decreases the number of ID they gain in a day by 1. At 2 less ID, the Sorcerer is swathed in a corona of magic making stealth impossible. At 3 less, the Sorcerer is incapable of taking mundane actions and depends upon their magic for everything more complex than breathing. At 4 less, the Sorcerer treats everything as an Illusion and may roll to Disbelieve in something (it and the sorcerer are unable to see or affect one another.) At 5 less, the sorcerer's soul collapses into a magical singularity before exploding with the force of a nuclear weapon. The immediate 1 mile radius is completely destroyed baring extreme magical protection. Anything within 2 miles takes 10d6 fire damage, is blinded, gains Wizard Vision, and 2d6 Supernatural Mutations. Everything born in the region for generations will have a biological mutation and a supernatural mutation. The sorcerer themselves is catapulted upwards into the 11th Dimension and becomes something resembling Yog-Sothoth.

Contract Sickness- A sickness mostly felt by Summoners, Warlocks, and others who made deals with supernatural entities. When a supernatural contract is made, a link is established between the Patron and the Contractee. This link is primarily a spiritual one, but can manifest as physical signs. In witches, for example, we sometimes see this manifest as strange blemishes or extra nipples. These manifestations are caused by bits of the Patron's power overwriting bits of the contractee's soul, and thereby affecting their body. The manifestations of Contract Sickness are unique to each contract, but here is a sample of how it might go:

Buer Contract Sickness: The first sign of Buer Contract Sickness is the adoption of a very circular and annoying speech pattern. Eventually the contractee will experience strange hair growth patterns around their head and neck resembling a lion's mane. Soon they've find their torso and arms slowly withering and shrinking while fleshy nodules grow from their scalp. When complete, the Contractee will be a a BUER MINION.

Only by completing completely selfless acts can one hope to stave off this fate.

Weird Wizard Diseases- These following are two of the most common ailments of wizards and why wizard school is so expensive. You see, it costs a lot to keep someone on staff who is an accomplished gem-cutter, professional troubleshooter, and dentist. As discussed elsewhere, Wizards tend to go a little weird from all that magic they keep caged in their head. Luckily, Teeth are quite effective at grounding some of that random magic and is why Wizards only horrifically mutate sometimes. You'll notice that many of the most magical creatures often have a pretty significant number of teeth (Dragons and Beholders stand out.) Unfortunate things happen when the balance of Teeth to Magic is thrown out of wack.

Hyperdontia is the presence of far more than the standard 32 or so teeth. The sudden influx of additional teeth are not only quite painful, but reinforce that grounding of magic by a significant degree. Wizards experiencing Hyperdontia do not suffer Mishaps, but MD never return to their pool naturally. To have their magic return to them for the next day they need to not only get their rest as normal, but they must pull and swallow one of their magically infused teeth (dealing 1 damage per MD.) If Hyperdontia is not dealt with, the teeth will eventually absorb too much magic and start animating. This agonizing process brings back the chance for Mishaps and adds a Tooth Die that is rolled and counts towards Mishaps and Dooms. Every time a Mishaps occurs, the effects happen as normal AND one of the teeth grow tiny limbs and leap from the Wizard's mouth. This tooth is infused with one spell the Wizard knows and 1 MD. It will use this spell to cause havoc, casting the spell until its MD does not return and it shatters. Should the wizard die with spells loaded in their head OR their final Doom should occur, ALL of their teeth flee the Wizard's head in a similar manner. The best cure for Hyperdontia is extraction by a specialist followed up by cauterization and a low calcium diet. Regeneration magic can potentially cause the Hyperdontia to return.

Hypodontia is the reverse problem, it is having too few teeth. By not having enough grounding for their magic, the Wizard experiences strange and dangerous surges of magic. All MD cast by a Hypodontic Wizard have +1 added to each die to a max of 6, increasing the spell's power but reducing the likelihood of the magic returning and slightly increasing the chances of Mishaps and Dooms. When a Mishaps occurs, the Wizard takes the mishap AND suffers the Random Mutation Mishap. A wizard with no teeth whatsoever has +2 to every MD roll AND faces a potential random mutation with each spell cast. This is why especially old wizards tend to be especially weird. This is also why Liches often replace their worn out teeth with gems. The best way to deal with Hypodontia is to get dentures fashioned from the teeth of other wizards or rare gems.

Spell Sickness can happen to anyone who interacts with spells. This highly varied disease stems from inviting a sick spell into one's head. Spells are, after all, living things after a manner and are thus equally capable of falling ill as we are. After interacting with an infected scrolls, victims find that they cannot actually cast the spell and may think it a dud. Symptoms will be begin manifesting within 24 hours. These symptoms usually manifest as cantrip-level affects related to the spell that gradually worsen if not treated.

Examples: Fireball Sickness- Low grade fever worsening over time, flaming sneezes, boiling hot sweat, aggressive temperament, literally exploding.

Grease Sickness: Sweaty slick palms, increasing klutziness, explosive diarrhea, constant bacon smell, extreme over production of sebum.

Mage Hand Sickness: Random minor poltergeist activity, hand seizes up, hand gains a mind of its own, hand detaches itself and attempts to escape. This is actually how crawling crawls happen.

Whimsical Deep Sea Encounter Table for Mister Kent

2020-03-28T12:30:00.001-05:00

When you don't want the deep sea encounters to all be shoggoths and Cthulhu. if you want to ramp up the whimsey, affix -maid to the end of some of these and get the ugliest spawns of Neptune you'll every have the misfortune to see.

1 Marine Snow- Not the most exciting of encounters as the sea is rife with it. Marine Snow is the particulate detritus of the upper zones, everything that the Pelagic zone lost or doesn't want. This particular area is especially thick with it reducing vision to nearly nothing. Beware of using any necromatic energies here lest the detritus of a million million living and dead creatures form into a Rot Elemental.

2 Osedax- A strange worm found primarily among whale falls, also known as the Zombie Worm. These creatures burrow into bone to ingest the nutrition rich marrow within. Sea Witches have bred a form of Osedax that seeks living prey instead, burrowing into them and taking control of their skeletons. It is not unknown for so-called Ghost Pirate ships to be crewed by Osedax controlled skeletons looking for fresh marrow.

3 Hagfish- An ancient ungodly jawless eel-adjacent fish that is known primarily for its ability to tie itself in knots and create copious amounts of slime. A single standard Hagfish can produce around 5 gallons of slime at a moment's notice. This sticky substance clogs gills, impedes movement, and causes general confusion and panic. Hagfish slime is also an excellent egg substitute and it is not uncommon for them to be kept for culinary purposes by various undersea races. There is a 25% of any Hagfish encountered is actually a larval Aboleth whose slime in small doses is a psychedelic drug with prophetic properties and in larger doses causes the horrid flesh diseases of their adult forms.

4 WHALE FALL- Oh most glorious of feasts! A ocean giant has been felled and fallen to the depths. This temporary ecosystem attracts many scores of creatures from the myriad starfish scavengers to hagfish and sharks, various strange worms and weird mollusks. Anything that could conceivably be under the sea might show up here for the feast. It is not unknown for Whale Falls to rise as Bakekujira on the full moon following their complete decomposition.

5 Tongue-Eating Louse- A parasite known for eating and replacing the tongue of various fish, the Tongue-Eating Louse ordinarily isn't an issue for humanoids. Then Wizards happened.

6 Zood- A water bear the size of a tank. Normally preferring life on surface mudflats, some Zood scavenge across the abyssal plains. Where there are Zood, there are explosive deposits of methane.

7 Fairy Salp Circle- Salps are jelly-like colonial organisms that form long chains in the ocean. Each individual creature within the organism specialize acting to assist the collective in feeding, propulsion, defense, etc. A Fairy Salp Circle is the aquatic equivalent to the toadstool ring in the forest, the Fae commandeer a natural circle and turn it into a portal to their realm.

8 Praya dubia or Giant Siphonophore- Similar to Salps, these massively long creatures are formed of many specialized organisms. Unlike the Salp, which is content to passively ingest plankton, the Giant Siphonophore seeks fertile waters and drops long tendrils to paralyze and catch their prey. It produces a bright blue bioluminescent light to attract its prey, primarily made up of other gelatinous organisms, crabs, and small fish. This one happens to also have achieved a boltzmann brain state and is considered the sea's greatest philosopher.

9 Koromodako- An octopus that is mere centimeters in size, the Koromodako usually survives on hunting singular zooplankton which can sustain it for long periods. However when a Koromodako is threatened in any way, it can expand to massive Kraken-like sizes for sort periods of time, sucking everything in the vicinity into its all encompassing maw. Afterwards it compresses back to its formally tiny size. Wizards theorize that Koromodako are actually a relative of the Bag of Devouring and have been able to create rather small Bags of Holding from their harvest corpses.

10 Giant Octopus- Not actually interested in eating you, this giant octopus has recently fed and is more curious than predatory. Its skin pulses the deep crimson of excitement as it wraps this tentacles around the party, tasting and feeling them with their suckers. It desperately wants to be friends with anything that isn't immediately delicious or finds it delicious, but it isn't particularly equipped to communicate that.

11 Gargantuan Isopod- Like seriously giant, not those bulldog sized pillbugs, more like the size of a city block. Still primarily bottom feeders, the massive specimens are often dominated or tamed and turned into undersea tenements, fortresses, or siege engines.

12 Male Angler Fish- These little guys are the size of your thumb and desperately wants to mate with your light source. If they successfully attach to your light source, it will over the course of 24 transform hours into a large Female Angler Fish with a lamp of equal strength to the original light source. Unless impeded in some way, it will then swim off to do whatever it is Anglers do in their spare time.

13 Lobster- There is, as far as we know, no upper limit to the size of a Lobster. When a lobster is encountered roll a d4 that explodes on 4. For every 4 rolled increase the size category of the lobster. A base lobster is about the size of a small cat.

14 Umibōzu- The legendary Sea Monks, truly gargantuan creatures that sailors ordinarily only witness an ink black head and glaring white eyes of. This far down, however, you are encountering its shins, which are more or less two slow moving black pillars about the width of your average wizard's tower. It likely wont notice any attack smaller than ballista bolt, but its got is own ecosystem of interesting parasites, corals, and detritus feeders.

15. Bakunawa- Might be related to Jormungandr, the Bakunawa is a horn-nosed sea serpent of astonishing size. You see, there was once 7 moons in the sky each of increasing beauty. The Bakunawa was incredibly jealous and swallowed them one by one until there was only the one left. Luckily for the tides and young lovers, Bakunawa is incredibly scared by loud sounds. Once it took many villages worth of noise to keep it under the sea, but the modern age makes so much sound naturally that Bakunawa hasn't surfaced in a generation.

16. Loop of Jormungandr- Its too big, it wraps around the world and might very well be an incarnation of the very currents of the world. You are unlikely to ever meet Jormungandr, but you might meet a piece of it. Its a wall of serpentine flesh the size of a continental shelf and the color of your thumbs pressed against your closed eyelids. It slivers between the mundane and the divine realms, you blink and its gone!

17. Herd of Capricorn- These capricious sea-goats roam the seas in wild herds, eating anything that can't put up some sort of defense. Sometimes a domesticated herd is tended to by one of the intelligent sea races, mainly for their milk and rarely for their meat. Sea-Goats are, according to legend, all ultimately destined to be eaten by The Leviathan.

18. Lesser Sea Monks- Man-sized creatures similar to the Umibozu, these inky nondescript creatures often follow in the wake of an Umibozu whom they consider somewhere between an abbot and a mobile temple. Their interests lie entirely within the contemplation of the Flow, an understanding of the universe based upon the currents of the sea.

19. The Hot Tub of Depair!- A thirty foot wide super-saline lake sitting on the seafloor, the pickled corpses of crabs and starfish surrounding its perimeter. This water is so dense that it is unable to mix with the rest of the water around it, creating its own weird waves in the wind-like currents around it. Hundreds of mussels cluster around its edge, filtering nutrients from the super heated chemical stew. The truth is, the opposite side of this lake is a the Doppelsea of the Doppelworld where doppelgangers live their doppelives. Doppelgangers in our world are criminals thrown or escaped through this lake.

20. 100d100 Jellyfish- Just so fucken many jellyfish, so many! Use the generator below to make them jellies!

Jellyfish Generator

Roll	Color	# of Tentacles	Bell Shape	Venom Potency
1	Violet	1	Umbrella	Non-Lethal Sting
2	Indigo	2	Bell	Welts (pee on it)
3	Blue	3	Mane(multiply # of tentacles by 100)	2 on the Schmidt
4	Green	5	Flower	4 on the Schmidt
5	Yellow	8	Bucket	Hallucinogenic
6	Orange	13	Wide and Shallow	Full body Scars
7	Red	21	Wide and Deep	Paralytic
8	Flashing	34	Narrow and Shallow	Anaphylaxis trigger
9	Transparent	55	Narrow and Deep	WEIRD
10	Ultraviolet	89	Minuscule, the size of a thumbnail	Instant Heart Attack

A bunch of Lankhmar Generators for a Spicy Green Burger

2020-03-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

5d20 Lankhmar NPC Generator

Roll	Name	Profession	Attitude	Smell	Secret
1	Alugōdaz	Assassin	Argute	Chamberpots	A Devourer
2	Botir	Beggar	Bellicose	Cheap Beer	A Simorgyan
3	Cixilo	Courtesan	Boorish	Cheap Perfume	A spy
4	Cneve	Death Cart pusher	Contumacious	Cheese	An Agent
5	Denzibalus	Entertainer	Didactic	Costly Perfume	Bastard of the Overlord
6	Erdenechimeg	Ewerer	Effulgent	Durians	Black Wizard
7	Fritigernus	Foreign Merchant	Feckless	Fresh Bread	Completely Insane
8	Jahangir	Grain Merchant	Garrulous	Garlic	Disguised Ghoul
9	Keung	Guild Sorcerer	Histrionic	Grease	Doppleganger
10	Komakiza	Lankhmarine	Invidious	Honey	Escaped Slave
11	Liling	Magistrate	Jocular	Incense	Ex-Gladiator
12	Masu	Noble	Lachrymose	Lye	From Another World Bubble
13	Mazaa	Pimp	Mordant	Mushrooms	Grave Robber
14	Monkhbat	Priest	Propitious	Musk	Owes Ningauble a story
15	Nargiza	Slave	Quiescent	Nothing	Slumming Noble
16	Nuala	Slayer	Rhadamanthine	Pine Needles	Token Innocent
17	Panya	Tanner	Strident	Rotten Eggs	Votishal Thief
18	Shideh	Thief	Tremulous	Tanneries	Wanted by Thieves' Guild
19	Sidheag	Watch	Voracious	Wood ashes	Wererat
20	Sieglinde	Whore	Zealous	Expensive Brandy	White Wizard

5d20 Lankhmar Street Generator

Roll	Name	Type	Construction	Typical Traffic	Lore
1	Ahoight	Alley	Brass	"Escorts"	See Below
2	Bearleader	Avenue	Brick	Adventurers	See Below
3	Blight	Boulevard	Ceramic	Alewives	See Below
4	Buckard	Byway	Clay	Beggars	See Below
5	Chouse	Causeway	Cobblestone	Cultists	See Below
6	Dripping Man	Court	Crushed Stone	Doctors	See Below
7	Forlorn	Crescent	Dirt	Gong Farmers	See Below
8	Fyoff	Cul-de-sac	Marble Slabs	Laborers	See Below
9	Gasconade	Lane	Mud	Lamplighters	See Below
10	Gastromyth	Parkway	Planks	Mercenaries	See Below
11	Growsome	Place	Sett	Miners	See Below
12	Hollow-Meat	Plaza	Tabby	Mudlarks	See Below
13	Jabbock	Road	Tar-Paved	Peddlers	See Below
14	Moonflaw	Route	Bitumen	Rag-and-Bone Men	See Below
15	Ostiary	Square	Compacted Ash	Sailors	See Below
16	Pelloot	Street	Concrete	Scriveners	See Below
17	Pissprophet	Terrace	Gravel	Teamsters	See Below
18	Purefinder	Way	Laterite	Thieves	See Below
19	Schrimpschonger	Crossroad	Sandstone blocks	Tinkerers	See Below
20	Whiffler	Junction	Wood Blocks	Priests	See Below

Street Lore/Urban Legends/Hooks
1. The Death Cart always enters this street full and leaves empty.
2. A monthly festival is held on this street, filled with music, wine, feasting, missing memories and missing persons.
3.The silversmith that lives on this street claims to have traveled to the Life Pole and his silver trinkets are decorated with scenes he witnessed there.
4. Directly below this street is the court of the Rat King, master of the Rats of Lankhmar.
5. A displaced snow witch plies her trade on this street, offering various curses in exchange for ice and coin.
6. A long forgotten bolt hole is hidden on this street, once used by Guild Thieves to stash loot. It leads into an abandoned portion of the Guild Catacombs.
7. This street leads to different places depending on the phase of the moon.
8. A fountain sits at the center of this road, decorated with grinning skeletons dancing with beautiful maids. A coin dropped in supposedly attracts the attention of Chance or the Lords of Necessity, for better or for worse.
9. Spiders weave prophecy into their webs on this street if you know how to read the webs.
10. A small shrine to Issek of the Jug somehow survived the onslaught of the Gods of Lankmar resides in a secret niche on this street.
11. The ghost of a former Overlord haunts this street, seeking the descendants of the woman who killed him.
12.A woman in strange dress speaking an unknown tongue showed up here recently, carrying weird and wonderful objects with her. ( A lighter, a laptop computer, a wallet, a taser, etc)
13. A rag-and-bone man found a nugget of gold wedged into the cobbles of this street, it is now half excavated by hopeful miners.
14. Anyone who walks down this street under a new moon experiences horrific visions of teeth in their sleep.
15. A gang of street urchins have been plaguing this street, the thieves' guild wants to bring them into the fold or kill them. They've surprisingly been holding their own against these threats.
16. A hooded man sits on the corner of this street seemingly begging. When approached he offers coins for stories, the more fabulous and true the better paying.
17. There is a colorful street festival here every day of the year, celebrating the most obscure possible holidays. While the smiles and cheers of the participants seem genuine, their eyes are haunted.
18. The Gods of Lanhmar will come for anyone who speaks louder than a whisper on this street.
19. At noon every day, 8 birds of different species land on the tallest roof and squawk loudly for about ten minutes before flying in away in the 8 directions.
20. An old pirate claiming to be a Rime Islander sits on a stoop on this street, telling his tales of adventure and treasure to any who will stop. Apparently there are sunken treasures out there that only he has survived to know of.

Bazaar of the Bizarre Treasure Generator
1. Preserved Snow-Clan Witch's Snowball
2. Necklace of Ice Gnome Ears
3. Hamadryad Seed
4. Newhon Ghoul Hair wig
5. Polar Tiger Skin robe
6. Bottled Shimmer-Spright (Sun)
7. Bottled Shimmer-Spright (Moon)
8. Snow Serpent Fur Boots
9. White Spider Gossamer wedding veil
10. Brick of refined Great Salt Marsh salt
11. Jellied Poison Eels
12. Marsh Leopard Tail Belt
13. Sea Cloaker leather cloak
14. Salt Spider Web Ropes (50')
15. Gladiator Lizard Egg
16. Chess game carved from Behemoth ivory
17. A Ruby once belonging to a former Grandmaster Thief (They want it back)
18. The Joke Book of Ynn, 2nd Ed. (Grimoire)
19. Sharkskin gloves
20. An obsidian dagger, the pommel shaped like a bloated black widow
21. Silk Tapestry depicting the rack torture of Isaac of the Jug
22. A silver miniature of a rat
23. A mother-of-pearl cameo necklace depicting an inhumanly beautiful androgynous figure.
24. A bag brimming with teeth
25. A black jade signet ring
26. Ceramic vase depicting a famous gladiatorial battle
27. Wall scroll from the Eastern Lands
28. The last blade forged by Gorex of Horborixen
29. The Mummified Hand of a God of Lankmar (Fake)
30. Bag of Closet Tree seeds
31. A black pyramid puzzle box
32. Map of the Eight Cities (Wildly inaccurate)
33. Map of the Eight Cities(Incredibly accurate)
34. A caged bird of Tyaa
35. Skull of a Sea Serpent
36. Air-Well Tops- Used by witches for deep sea diving
37. A flat green stone with deeply carved alien hieroglyphs
38. A human figure carved of goose-fat soap, several silvered pins sticking from it
39. Slab of mingol bacon
40. A Minor Maintainer (See The Big Time)
41. An iron key that weighs as much as an anvil.
42. A single star-gem
43. A vest with 77 secret pockets
44. Waterproof scroll case holding a map
45. Habit of a Black Nun
46. A sword reputed to be Greywand (There is of course no singular Greywand)
47. A dagger reputed to be Scalpel (There is of course no singular Scalpel)
48. A silk robe reputed to have come from the palace of the King of Kings
49. "Solid" Lankhmar Smog caught in a jar
50. An ivory and ebony chess set, sides carved to appear as merchants and thieves
51. A delicate golden mask, molded to appear as a full lipped female pock marked with rubies
52. A thick wooden mask, carved into a fierce snarling face
53. A diamond edged dagger
54. Telescoping steel rod wit hooked end
55. Lockpicking set with specialty oils for quiet work.
56. A starchart, naming the stars such as Ashsha, Akul, and Astorian
57. A Translation Book of Lankhmarese to Old Ghoulish
58. A brass figurine of Mog
59. The taxidermy head of one of the Thirteen
60. Potion of Rat Size
61. The Deed to a Wheat Warehouse
62. Eight matching bastard swords with an oceanic theme
63. A browned-iron wire purse attached to a bracelet by a chain
64. A board game shaped like the city of Lankhmar
65. An arbalest strung with behemoth sinews
66. A jeweled bronze hand mirror
67. A comb inlayed with mother of pearl and lapis lazuli
68.A great helm with quetzal plumes
69. Fruit crafted from gems in a silver bowl
70. A porcelain teapot decorated with a pattern of storms
71. A cornucopia filled with cast gold "wheat"
72. Shield polished to a mirror sheen, no amount of scratching will scuff it
73. A clay jar, broken and mended with veins of gold
74. A bottle of Mushroom Wine, the inside label is a map but will only be revealed after the bottle has been drunk
75. An ink quill, the feather veins made of silver filigree
76. An complex clockwork arm cast in bronze
77. A gyroscopic compass that points straight up
78. A box that creates images. (A displaced Polaroid camera)
79. A music box, plays a bawdy tavern song in reverse
80. The coat of arms of an extinct noble family
81. A intricate puzzlebox, rattles like something is within, rattle is actually a clever part of the box
82. A non-euclidean sculpture of...something. It hurts to look at for long.
83. A snowglobe of Lankhmar, the snow is actually ash.
84. An hour glass that counts down someone's life, the gold name plate is scuffed and incomprehensible
85. A pound of invisible mass, actually a chunk of Newhon Ghoul flesh
86. A black box with strange knobs and buttons, beeps a pattern (a radio, beeps a player's name in morse)
87. A model of Stardock mountain, the tip is a brilliantly cut diamond
88. A tinderbox that calls a phantom dog when struck
89. A compass that points towards the Death Pole
90. A glass jar with seven eyes preserved in brine
91. A porcelain mask with no features on it
92. A clockwork butterfly in a sealed glass terrarium
93. An instrument that makes squealing noises before you can actually touch it (a theremin)
94. A crown made of tin
95. Painting of "Boy with Apple"
96. A bone and lace Hand Fan, decorated with the scene of an execution
97. A taxidermy rat the size of a dog
98. A large lapis lazuli bottle shaped like a mermaid, contains a virulent poison.
99. A palm sized replica of a throne carved from black salt.
100. A gold plated cockerel shaped codpiece

Saints and Shrines Unlawful Edition

2020-03-06T12:04:00.000-06:00

In the style of Roman's Saints and Shrines, here is 4 misfits you can pray to and receive some kind of boon.

Shrine of Buer

Description: THE WHEEL OF SUFFERING! BUER SEEKS ONLY TO KEEP US SPINNING IN OUR CONTINUAL CYCLES BE THEY KARMATIC, PSYCHOLOGICAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL, OR LITERAL. WHERE A WHEEL IS PRESENT AS IS THE SOURCE OF SUFFERING IN ANY FORM, BUER IS THERE!

Shrine: The sites of great wheel related suffering such as 18 car pile ups, crashed servers, and anywhere that talking "circles" (such as Congress and courtrooms) is common.

Cult: The Cult of Buer is made up primarily of Mad Max style gearheads, torturers, politicians, and the like. Anyone who is awful is generally looked favorably upon by Buer

The Fault of the Sorcerer's Apprentice
R: 30' T: [Dice] Creatures D: [sum]/2 Rounds (min 1)

Targets Save (vs. Charm or Wis or something). On failure, the target is forced to repeat their most recent action every round. If their action normally takes multiple rounds, they will repeat it to completion as many times as possible within those rounds. If the target is impeded, it will put forth its best effort to continue the task. If the target is damaged in anyway it may save again to stop. If 3 [dice] or more are invested, Objects may be targeted to perform their designated tasks repeatedly.

Strictures
Why say something simple when circumlocution will make you sound so much smarter?
When fortune's chariot rolls easily, envy and shame cling to the wheels.
DO A BARREL ROLL!

Favorite Prayer
The wheel is turning and you can't slow down
You can't let go and you can't hold on
You can't go back and you can't stand still
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will

Ted

The Ur-Imaginary Friend, Ted was your imaginary friend and your parents, and their parents going all the back to when the first proto-human could look at the stars and wonder. Ted has gone by many names and worn many faces but Ted has always been beside us, holding our hands and blowing raspberries.

Shrine: Anywhere that has inspired and amused a child

Cult: All of us until we are around 12, and some of us a bit longer.

Imaginary Antics
R: Immediate T: 1 Summoned Ted D: [Sum] Minutes
An avatar of Ted manifests and assists in antics. Ted can help you fill a room with water to make an indoor pool or he can help you paint the walls with childish iconography or most anything a gang of 6 year olds could do if left unsupervised. Ted will not do anything that will harm another living being, though he might do things worthy of a time out. If anyone older than 11 (or otherwise not a part of the Cult of Ted) sees Ted in action, the spell will end prematurely. For the purposes of reach and strength, the Avatar of Ted is stated as an ogre.

Strictures of Ted
It is always someone's Birthday!
Adults just forget how to be kids sometimes, but they were kids once!
There is nothing that can't be improved with a bit more imagination!

A favorite prayer of Ted
A very merry unbirthday to you
Who me?
Yes, you!
Oh, me!

Shrine of The King of All Cosmos

The King of the Cosmos is exactly that, the King of the Cosmos. Fortunately or unfortunately for all of us, he's a lot more interested his various personal hobbies over actually ruling.
.
Shrine: Anywhere with a dense collection. It could be a dense collection of ideas or of toys or sweets or weapons, as long as it is dense and a collection.

Cult: The Aristocracy, the hedonistic, obsessive collectors, procrastinators, people who really have better things to do than whatever they are currently doing.

ROYAL RAINBOW
R: 60' Cone T:[sum]/2 creatures and objects D: Instantaneous
The caster vomits forth a rainbow at [Sum]/2 targets and transports them randomly from their starting position. If using a square grid map, roll a d8 to determine the cardinal direction they are teleported. Targets teleported into a solid object are shunted to the close open space safely.

1[dice]Invested: [sum] Feet
2[dice]Invested: [sum]Yards
3[dice]Invested: [sum] Miles
4[dice] Invested: [sum] Tens of Miles

Strictures
"Here we are. Earth. Full of things as usual."
"Woo, tangent."

"It is not your fault. It is our fault for believing in you."

A favorite prayer

Don’t worry, do your best!

In a picnic-y mood, feel so good!

What a wonderful afternoon!

Off the limits insolence until midnight Yeah!

Shrine of Moominpappa

Moominpapa is the Ur-Adventurer. He has done it all and has retired from it. Well mostly, for the need for further adventure is always pounding in his vaguely hippo-like chest

Shrine: Anywhere that inspired a sense of adventure, anywhere that a retired adventurer pines for the old days.

Cult: Adventurers both active and retired, those who seek new horizons even when its probably wiser to let well enough alone, the insatiably curious

Never Forget Your Hat
R: Touch T: [Dice] Objects D: Permanent or until exchanged
You designate an [dice] personal possessions as absolutely unique, these items cannot be confused for anything else regardless of how similar they are. It is immediately identifiable as belonging to you and no other creature is capable of laying claims to it. Anyone attempting to steal the item must Save (vs. Magic or Wis) or be violently rebuffed for 1d6 force damage. Even passing the save and stealing the object, the thief has a minor curse allowing the caster to know the direction and distance of the object up to [sum] miles away. You may only ever have up to [dice] objects made Unique in this way.

Strictures
"Isn’t life exciting! Everything can change all of a sudden, and for no reason at all"
"I knew nothing, but I believed a lot."
"The world is full of great and wonderful things for those who are ready for them."

A favorite prayer
"It is simply this: do not tire, never lose interest, never grow indifferent—lose your invaluable curiosity and you let yourself die."

Zine Quest 2 Gourmet Street: Fantasy Street Food Adventuring!

2020-02-07T08:31:00.000-06:00

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/gourmet-street/gourmet-street-fantasy-street-food-adventuring-zine

Ah, the humble street food vendor. How often you play a key role in our hearts (and arteries) and yet how rarely we really get to know you beyond exchanged coin and dipping meat juices. The likes of Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler of Discworld, Turkey and Goosehead of The God of Cookery, Mr. Kim from Fifth Element, Rao Tsur of Gone Away World, The White Dragon Noodle Bar from Bladerunner, and the myriad stinking stalls that populate the streets of Throne in Kill Six Billion Demon. These places and people immediately add personality, possibility and food poisoning to any scenario. Be it a one eyed hunchback selling questionable sausages or be it a manic cleaver twirling woman making “Assorted Noodles,” these are the people who know the pulse and stomachs of the locals best and any wise adventurer knows that sometimes it is worth risking a tapeworm (or two) to get to know these people.

Gourmet Street is a setting that can be plopped directly into any world or adventure and serves up an extra side of gonzo fantasy. Populated with street vendors serving every possible food you can conceive as well as a fascinating accouterments of culinary artifacts, edible monsters, and bizarre dishes. However, under the greasy facade of delectable dishes, a war is brewing. Food-factions wage secret war in the smokey shadows and slippery alleys, vying for power and struggling to make their own culinary manifestos the main dish of Gourmet Street

A New Setting! - Gourmet Street, a collection of scattered and bizarrely connected alleyways, it seems to pop up in any settlement large enough to begin thinking of itself as a city. Stacked high in wood carts, laid out on intricate rugs, swimming in a myriad of sauces, food is the name of the game on Gourmand Street.

ONE MILLION Food Vendors and Menus! - Never eat the same thing twice! Generate from 8,000 possible unique food vendors and LITERALLY ONE MILLION possible dishes; ranging from Soft-shelled Crabman Sandwiches with Tzatziki sauce and Egg Coffee, to Myconid Zapiekanka in Pesto with a shot of Absinthe!

Food Factions! - From the hyper-radical (and slightly deranged) Neuvo Gastro-Alchemists, to the fanatical and militant Vinegar Knights, the food factions each come with their own wants, goals, and boons, IF you choose to serve them...

A One-Page Adventure: ESCAPE FROM GOURMET STREET! Help a pair (or trio) of star-crossed lovers escape from Gourmet Street in a Snake-and-Ladders inspired chase! Fend off rival lovers, food cart brawls and escaped dishes as you dash through the alleys of Gourmet Street!

And More! Monsters, magic items, and cookbooks for both Players and GMs to use and abuse!

Hello all! My name is John Gregory, better known among y'all as TheLawfulNeutral of the UnlawfulGames blog. I have a keen and driving interest to bring weird and wonderful inspirations from the world around me to the RPG world. From tables galore to creatures aplenty, I try to create an air of delightful whimsy to everything I do. Last year I brought you inspirations from my childhood home with Lowcountry Crawl. For my inaugural Zinequest project, I am happy to present Gourmet Street, fueled by my long time love of cooking, culture, and the characters who make it real.

Heyo! Name's Charlie Ferguson-Avery, an illustrator based out of rural Pennsylvania. I'm a lover of food and cooking, especially cheap and accessible street food. Currently I'm the lead artist for World War Occult and creator of Into the Wyrd and Wild. While I'm currently operating under the label: "that guy who does all of the sad and scary illustrations," I'm very much a fan of gonzo, whimsy and levity; especially in role-playing games. With any luck, I'll get to do some more whimsical and fun art (in addition to my scary-sad stuff)!

Prinny Dood!

2020-01-28T14:46:00.000-06:00

Prinnies are the souls of the dead who are working off their lives of sin either in the heavenly or infernal realms before they are able to reincarnate. Prinnies in heaven tend to have only committed minor sins during their life and pay off their negative karma via good deeds. Prinnies in Hell, on the other hand, are much more serious offenders. These hellbound Prinnies are assigned to various Demon Lords and work in menial, degrading jobs while earning a pittance of money. They must save up over time to buy their way into reincarnation. This is rather difficult when they still need to buy food and other necessities at extremely inflated costs.

Prinnies are, as a general rule, lazy good-for-nothings who would rather spend their days eating canned sardines over putting forth any real effort. Their tendency to explode and the cruelty of their demonic masters, however, tend to keep these nervous penguins busy.

Prinny Race

Pro: Prinnies are immune to non-magical disease, poison and fatigue.

Con: Explode when thrown or hit for max damage, instant death and deal your remaining HP in Fire damage to all within 10'. Magical healing doesn't function for you.

Reroll: Dex

Prinny Class

If your character dies with net negative karma, they may elect to be reincarnated as a Prinny. As the Prinny is technically the property of a Demon Lord, the party must pay a fee to rent out the Prinny. While the Prinny levels up like other classes (Gold=XP), 90% of all the Prinny's take is given to their patron Demon Lord while only 10% is left for the Prinny's general use. Taking the Prinny Class replaces the Pros and Cons of the Prinny Race. A Prinny remembers everything from their previous life, but this tends to fade over their eons of servitude.

Class: Prinny
Starting Equipment: Leather fanny pack, two daggers (Light)
Starting Skill: 1. Gambling 2. Goofing Off 3. Procrastination

A: EXPLOSION!, Prinny Barrage, Puppet Body
B: Prinny Dance, Prinny Pack
C: Prinny Bomb
D: Prinny Beam, Prinny Pack 2, Reincarnation

EXPLOSION: Your body is a 3' tall cloth doll made to look like penguin and stuffed with gunpowder and your soul. If you are thrown or if you are hit with a crit, you explode as a Fireball with MD equal to your number of Prinny Templates. This kills you and probably angers the Demon that you were on loan from.

Prinny Barrage: By leaping into the air and swinging your daggers furiously, you release waves of energy to deal damage to a target within 30' of you. Roll attacks as normal and damage as dagger. This attack immediately draws attention to you.

Puppet Body: You are immune to non-magical disease, poison and fatigue. Magical healing does not function for you.

Prinny Dance: By spending a full combat turn dancing around a target, you may affect the target either as Sleep or Hold Person per the Wizard spells. These effects last as you continue to take no action other than dancing and are "cast" using MD equal to your number Prinny Templates.

Prinny Pack: Your leather satchel gives you an additional 3 Inventory slots.

Prinny Bomb: You create a bomb from some of the excess gunpowder that makes up your body. You can create 1 bomb a day assuming you've had a Long Rest. The Bombs can only be carried in the Prinny Pack and you can only carry 3 bombs at a time before they destabilize and explode. The Bombs, when removed from the pack, are large, obvious, and cartoonish black spheres with a painted skull and a distinct fuse.

A bomb can be thrown to explode on impact as a 1 MD Fireball. A bomb (or multiple bombs) may have their fuses lit instead to have up to a minute delay.

If you are caught in the radius of the explosion, you blow up per the EXPLOSION ability.

Prinny Beam: Once per day by spending a full turn concentrating, you may fire a beam of concentrated energy directly from your soul. This acts per the Wizard Spell Prismatic Ray cast with 4 MD. If you roll triples, you explode per the EXPLOSION ability.

Prinny Pack 2: Your Prinny Pack has 3 additional inventory slots. You can still only carry 3 Bombs at a time.

Reincarnation: If a Prinny reaches Level 5, their soul is purified and they are reborn on the next Full Moon. Their Prinny body is left an empty sack and somewhere in the world a child is born with completely neutral karma.

Prinny Monster

Private 1 HD
Appearance: A blue penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: Explode when thrown or hit for max damage, instant death and deal their remaining HP in Fire damage to all within 10'.
Prinny Barrage: As class ability

Captain 3 HD
Appearance: A pink penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: As Above
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability

Colonel Prinny 5 HD
Appearance: A green penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: As Above
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, once per day

General 7 HD
Appearance: A red penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: As Above
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, twice per day

King 9 HD
Appearance: A black penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: As Above
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, 3 times per day

God 11 HD
Appearance: A gold penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Sardines, to be lazy, to not explode, ultimately redemption.
Armor: As leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: Dagger 1d6
EXPLOSION: As Above
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, three times per day
Prinny Beam: As class ability, once per day

Pringer X 13HD
Appearance: A black robotic penguin with red eyes small bat wings, two gold antennae, a red and gold cape, a gold and red belt, and peg legs.
Wants: Justice for Prinny Kind!
Armor: As Plate
Move: Normal, Fly x 4
Morale: 10
Damage: Dagger 1d6
Prinny Barrage: As class ability
Prinny Dance: As class ability
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, fire 6 bombs off as rockets that have a range of 200' each.
Prinny Beam: As class ability, three times per day, these fire as twin lasers from its eyes and always hit two targets.

Pringer X is the hero to Prinnies! Well, he is in his hit TV show.

This guy stuffed into a penguin costume

Prinny Baal 20HD
Appearance: A skyscraper sized blue penguin with small bat wings, a fanny pack, and peg legs.
Wants: Multiversal domination
Armor: As Plate + Shield
Move: "Normal", can cover several city blocks in a step.
Morale: 12
Damage: Shard of Baal 6d6+6
Prinny Barrage: As class ability, able to target anything within two miles.
Prinny Dance: As class ability, affects out 600' instead of a single adjacent target.
Prinny Bomb: As class ability, usable each turn
Prinny Beam: As class ability, usable each turn

This is actually the soul of a great Demon Tyrant that was defeated some time in the past. Though his remaining soul was stuffed into a Prinny suit, his power was too great to contain. Bloating to massive size and retaining much of his former power, Prinny Baal is currently sealed in the fabled Land of Carnage. He seeks a method of escape so that he may begin his reign of terror anew!

Prinny Magic Items

Scroll of Prinny Raid: Summons 1d6 Prinnies about 30 feet in the air. They explode for 1d6 damage each in random squares over a 60' area.

Prinny Costume: An empty prinny skin. Wearing it, even if it doesn't fit well, Demons and Angels that see you Save vs. Intelligence (or Charm), on failure they are convinced that you are a Prinny. You are worthy of cruelty/pity but you are also low enough to be generally ignored. It is rare to find these as they are normally consumed when a Prinny explodes.

Prinny Pack: A very limited Bag of Holding outside of the hands of a Prinny. Can hold three inventory slots of items but is small enough to be worn on your belt. It is rare to find these as they are normally consumed when a Prinny explodes.

Can of Sardines: A Prinny's favorite food! Give a Prinny one of these and they will gladly become your hireling. Prinny hirelings only have a morale of 4 unless thoroughly intimidated or paid with additional sardines.