“And now my life has changed in oh so many ways….”
Has it REALLY been six years since I last posted here? Wow, I guess it has.
It’s been 20 months since I lost my husband to a sudden and devastating heart attack. Riding his bike one minute, gone the next. They call it a Widow Maker. It does, indeed, make widows. At the height of the Covid scare, I was not allowed to be with him except for literally five minutes the first night in ICU and then when we took him off life support. He never regained consciousness because there was no brain function. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was let our son tell his father goodbye from Japan over Facetime. So, that’s been my life of late. And like the rest of you, I’ve been dealing with the reality – or unreality – of a pandemic. What’s true, what isn’t, who to believe, what to believe. But that discussion is a rabbit hole I deliberately avoid.
I’m still working – at the age of 66. I had planned to retire this Fall, but circumstances decided otherwise and I’ve delayed it for a year. Our son moved back to the States after losing his Dad – his contract was up anyway and he was tired of being a foreigner in a place that wasn’t home. He’s working on a second college degree and doing well. I on the other hand have been struggling to find my feet. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions that rise and fall without warning. Some days I am reasonably happy and content with things as they are. Most days, especially recently, I push down the sadness of being without my life partner. I struggle with having to deal with home repairs, buying a car and paying taxes all on my own on an income that is now 1/3 of what it was before.
It all came crashing down when I recently suffered an anxiety attack and ended up in the emergency room. Why now after 20 months of dealing with all this has it affected me this way? Of course, my diet of caffeine and sugar, I’m convinced, played a big part in my body finally screaming ENOUGH!!! I need to get back to regular exercise and a better diet. I believe the body and mind are connected. A healthy body helps the mind cope with trying times so that rocky emotions don’t fall off a cliff.
I have also come to believe that part of my emotional roller coaster is fear of what the future holds. I’ll be okay financially. I won’t be taking any more international trips, but I will have enough to live on and even save a little. But what will I do with myself when I retire? I’ve been on this job for 22 years now and can’t wait to leave it behind – too many negative vibes. But what will I do then? I’m getting bored with quilting – something else I’ve been doing for a very long time. I keep telling myself the Lord has a plan. Now, if I only believed it.










































