Sweet Simple Satisfaction

Is there a blog term for latergram?

2015-01-26T13:34:00.001-08:00

I am slowly but surely making my way through the very very full folder of pictures on my hard drive called "unfiled photos". The problem is that each time I go through a folder of pictures from an event in our lives whether 2 years ago or 2 days ago, it brings back a flood of emotion and feelings that I feel I may forget if I don't record them somewhere. And so this is where I do that. On instagram you can just add the hashtag latergram and then it is cool that you are posting something from days/weeks/months/years ago, and I don't know if there is a blog equivalent of that other than "yep, I'm still a slacker!" but I am doing it anyway, and I hope the 5 of you that still read this blog don't mind.

Back in February of 2013, we had our surgery to save the sweet little twin baby boys who are now running around and climbing on things and making messes everywhere they go. As I looked through the pictures labeled "LA Trip", the flood of emotions of those days came right back swelling in my heart and spilling out from my eyes. The funny thing about it is that I wasn't remembering the worry or the fear (although you can see it in our eyes), but the absolute hope and faith that carried us. The prayers and love of so many who were supporting us were felt in a very real way, and while everything inside of us said this is scary and hard and we are completely helpless, our hearts knew it would be ok.

I see in those two faces absolute unwavering faith that there was a plan for our family and this was a part of it and faith that we could get through it, no matter the outcome, as long as we had each other. I had no idea then how deeply the two little humans I was carrying would change my life forever, but I am ever grateful for the strength I had to move forward with hope and faith and not be overwhelmed with the fear and gravity of the circumstance.

And on a less serious note: let me remind you that I was only 24 weeks into my pregnancy and this was my silhouette... I definitely have not forgotten feeling so full and uncomfortable that I thought I would burst when I was swollen with all that extra fluid from the TTTS. Also, there is just something incredible and wonderful about breathing in the ocean air and hearing the waves on the beach. Sunsets are an added bonus!

Tumacaori Mission Christmas Eve

2015-01-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

Since we aren't sure how much longer we will get to call Tucson home, we decided we better get going on our Tucson bucket list, and the Christmas Eve Luminaries have been on the list of things we wanted to do since we got here. So, we got it on the calendar early and made plans to spend our Christmas Eve down south at the Tumacacori mission. It was such a wonderful experience complete with making friends with some strangers in the line, caroling with them while we waited for dark, and an unsuccessful attempt to grab some tamales for dinner leaving us with a very late trip through the Carl's Jr. drive thru for Christmas Eve dinner. It was memorable for sure and so very very cool to see! If we happen to be here again next Christmas, we would definitely do it again! All of the luminaries are hand lit real candles. Amazing!

last photo is a long exposure taken by Seth

remembering when...

2014-12-09T21:03:00.003-08:00

they were so little and sweet. sigh.

They are still just as sweet, but I miss those teeny tiny little fuzzy arms.

Ollie

2014-11-08T15:14:00.002-08:00

When Callie died I thought that we should just stick with a household of people. Logistically it made sense: we are renters, we know we are moving again at the end of the school year, we have a lot on our plate right now with three toddlers causing mayhem in our house, we host a lot of playdates and joy school and dance classes and dinner guests. That combined with the awfulness of saying goodbye to a dog you love, I thought we should wait at least a couple of years until life settled down a bit before deciding to start that cycle over again, and Seth was ok with that plan.

But it took about 3 days to realize that our house just didn't seem the same without a four-legged, tail wagging family member. We learned that we are dog people through and through and when you know you are a dog person and that you will get another dog, it didn't seem to make sense to wait. So after 5 days of a too quiet house, permission from our landlord, a lot of internet searching and house scrubbing, we went off in search of a puppy. We figured that child-filled household was probably not a good fit for a dog that wasn't used to that, and since we are 100% in favor of adopting dogs from the shelter, figured a puppy would probably be the only truly safe option for us. So, with ample hesitation and a fair amount of realistic dread and excitement for the puppy stage, we were off looking for a little furball to love.

We did find some puppies, but none that were ready to take home that day, and we learned all about how to go about being in the right place at the right time to get a puppy when they came available. But, in our searching, the shelter staff showed us a one year old dog whose background they didn't know, but who was very very good with kids. I was still nervous. He was gorgeous and so sweet, but he was also big. Very big. And if that dog got pushed beyond his limit in a household of chaos and reacted...he would do significant damage to a little body. We were running short on time, and I decided to leave him behind despite puppy dog eyes...from Seth and the dog.

Ellie took a bunch of pictures of him on my iPhone while Seth and the shelter lady were trying to convince me to get him.

It took me 20 minutes of the drive home and a call to my brother, the dog adopting expert, to ease my fears and decide that we needed to go back and take the big lug home with us. So we picked up the big kids from school, grabbed some food for all of us who had been looking for dogs all morning and hadn't eaten yet, and drove the 35 minutes back to the shelter. When we got there and told them we were there to adopt the dog, they told us that someone had come to adopt him while we were gone and they had already taken the paperwork to the cashier. They went to go make sure, and as luck would have it the paperwork was at the cashier's desk because the people had changed their minds at the very last minute and decided not to adopt him. Crazy!

We took him out to the meeting area to introduce him to the big kids. They fell in love with him, of course, and started dreaming up names while I signed all the paperwork and paid our $15 (he had been there about 2 weeks, so they only charge the license fee...amazing!). Then we loaded him into the car and decided to name him Ollie (short for Oliver, but Chloe doesn't love the name Oliver, so we only call him Ollie).

He had just gotten neutered when we got him, so he couldn't have a bath and had to have a cone for the first couple of days home. He was so calm we hadn't heard him bark for the first week we had him. He had kennel cough and his ribs were all showing when we brought him home because he hadn't had enough to eat and was malnourished. Honestly I was a bit worried he was just too mellow for our energetic household, but when he got his collar off, we knew we had made the right decision because he started to show some energy and life, but was still so tolerant and gentle and loving with the kids. He continues to be so very sweet and cuddly and well behaved. He is just well behaved enough that you think you don't need to train him, and then he goes and poops in the house, or tries to jet out the door, or puts his muddy paws on your white couch and you remember that he is still a puppy and definitely will take some training!

I sent this picture to Seth the morning after we got him because my heart was so happy to see a puppy laying in the sunshine. He can never replace Callie, but he has started to help our hearts heal from the heartbreak of losing her.

We love our Ollie and are so glad we have him in our home! He has been doing a fabulous job of shedding all over my house, eating the crumbs off the ground (and food off the counter) and most importantly absorbing some of the kids energy!

I wanted to document what he looked like when we brought him home, so these pictures are from a couple days after we got him.

The Night Sky Halloween 2014

2014-11-03T14:03:00.003-08:00

I am just going to accept that I will probably not be a consistent blogger in the foreseeable future, so I am just going to record the current stuff when I have time and let the rest go. :) Between instagram and some random blog posts here and there, and the private journaling I do in DayOne on my iPhone, that should be a pretty complete picture of my life for posterity, right?

For starters, I have to say, I used to really enjoy Halloween, but at this stage in my life, I have decided I just don't love it...or really even like it. It is so much work/expectation/sugar/busyness with no good reason. Other holidays involve all the same things, but at least they have some redeeming quality like a celebration of giving, gratitude, love, life, patriotism, not to mention all the wonderful religious celebrations! Since I really don't like scary stuff or gross stuff and we aren't big into letting our kids have sweets because they turn into monsters, there just isn't much to redeem Halloween from being a pointless holiday for me. I love the creativity of coming up with fun costumes, and my kids are halloween fanatics, so one day, I hope to enjoy it again.

Despite my Halloween negativity, we managed to have a lot of Halloween fun this year amidst the craziness/crankiness. October is a crazy month, and was especially so this year with our anniversary trip, family in town, fall break, a relief society activity I was in charge of, and then Callie getting sick/passing away and getting a new puppy, so despite our costume plans being set in September, I did not have our costumes ready when the first party rolled around. That was probably the most fun costume night, though, because we totally made do with what we could come up with at our house in two hours or less. Morgan went as a skeleton in his glow in the dark jammies, I wore Chloe's ghost tutu from last year and went as the tooth fairy, the babies wore white onesies and we called them teeth, Seth wore a clown wig and a racquetball on his nose, Brynn wore Morgan's monster costume from last year, Ellie wore a Sleeping Beauty dress from the dress up bin, and Chloe insisted on being a mermaid. That was a tricky one, so after a few failed attempts to make something look like a mermaid tail, she ended up in a long purple maxi skirt of hers layered under a purple stretchy pencil skirt of mine, a swimsuit top, and shell jewelry. That girl and her ideas. I wish I had taken any pictures, but all I have are a couple shots a friend took of Morgan and Chloe (thank you for sending these to me Rachelle!). I am lame.

After that, I got my self in gear and got all the kids' costumes ready for the trunk or treat. Chloe had come up with the great idea of being constellations, so I painted glow in the dark stars on black outfits and connected the stars with tape. They were cool. But, the stars didn't glow and they paint was pretty faint, so it was kind of an epic Halloween fail because nobody knew what they were. (again, this is the only picture I took because I am lame).

After that, I got glow in the dark stars and just glued them on for actual Halloween night. I tested them, they worked and we were all set. We didn't get around to taking pictures until the light was almost gone, so the lighting is pretty terrible for most of them, but our stars were glowing and people knew what we were, until we got a few houses away and they stopped glowing. What? Glow in the dark stuff is annoying. Luckily we had a black light flashlight with us and we would "charge" our stars every so often. Anyway, we trick-or-treated with some favorite friends (love you Beatty family!) and got loads of candy and then came home to Lincoln not being able to breathe and whisked him off to the hospital...but that is another story. So without further ado, I give you The Night Sky:

see, we glowed!

Brynn was Scorpius - this is her best scorpion look

Chloe was Cassiopeia - because she was the queen, obviously

Morgan was the Phoenix

Ellie was Cancer - the crab - she is such a goof

Here are the four sort of cooperative children

Lincoln and Ryder were Gemini "the twins" - they shared a star on the sleeve of each of their shirts. They would not oblige for a photo, so try and get the vision from this series of photos. ha ha. (Lincoln on the left/Ryder on the right)

Ryder on the left/Lincoln on the right...see the half a star on Lincoln's sleeve?

Ryder

Lincoln on the left, Ryder on the right

Lincoln

Seth was the Big Dipper and I was the Little Dipper. Photo credit: Morgan

And there you have it...the night sky Tates and Halloween 2014! You are welcome Mom. ;)

And now on to November!! I may not be a big Halloween fan, but Thanksgiving is my favorite!!!!

Tribute to our Sunshine Pup

2014-10-31T16:02:00.002-07:00

Last Thursday, October 23, we had to put our sweet Callie dog to sleep. Two days earlier she had suddenly started throwing up, stopped eating and didn't want to move. We took her to the vet and her blood work showed kidney failure. The vet thought it had probably been progressing over the past month, but that she just kept going full speed until her body shut down completely. So, upon his recommendation, and with very heavy hearts, we said goodbye to our best little four-legged friend.

young puppy Callie in October 2004

Callie has been a part of nearly all of our family's life together. We got her as a 3 month old crazy puppy for my birthday in 2004, less than a year after getting married. We had just bought and settled into our first house, and knew that we wanted to raise our kids with a dog. Seth is a total animal lover, but I had grown up fearing dogs, and we didn't want our kids to repeat my experience. So, we decided to get a dog that day, drove to Spanish Fork (because it was the closest shelter with any puppies that day) and brought home Callie despite her overwhelming amount of energy. We had absolutely no idea what we were doing, and we were so unprepared for her. We didn't even have a crate for her, so that night we made a little makeshift bed/crate out of some plastic yard fencing and a laundry basket. She would not stay contained, though, and quickly found out how to get right out of that thing. The next day, we bought a crate...and found out that I was pregnant with Morgan...talk about timing.

Our family on our first "Conference Drive" in October 2004

We think that Callie had been abused before we adopted her. She came to us scared, anxious, nervous to be near us, and completely numb to pain. Our neighbor later told us that he was sure we were going to take her back to the shelter within a week because she was such a handful. It took weeks to convince her that we wouldn't hurt her, but eventually she stopped bracing for abuse when we would reach toward her to pet her. She became quite the little cuddle bug, though, burrowing her way under the covers of our bed all the way to the very bottom to snuggle by our feet. She had a slight identity crisis...she loved to climb up on the back of the couch and lie there in the sunshine like a cat...and she loved to rub up against your legs and arch her back up against you like a cat. She would find any inch of sunshine streaming in from the window and curl up right there on that spot to rest. After months of that, we dubbed her "sunshine pup".

Callie's first Christmas - she had just learned how to sit and stay

Callie catching snowballs

She was the highest energy dog we had ever known. She could outrun any dog we met, and would constantly jump in between dogs that were fighting at the dog park and get them to chase her to break up their fight. She was a jumper and a chewer. She failed her puppy training class because she just had too much energy! She ran into a moving car when we picked her up from the vet after getting spayed because she darted off and didn't see the car coming and ran right into the side of it. She chewed up vacuum cords, stuffed animals, frisbees, bras, diapers, balls, leashes, every shoe in the house, a couch cushion and even chewed a giant hole right in the middle of a brand new memory foam mattress topper we had just opened and put on our bed. She did eventually learn a lot of tricks though. One of our favorites was "velociraptor" where she would stand up on her hind legs and balance in the air like a velociraptor. She would also stand on her hind legs and give Seth hugs, he would then make her dance with him...but she did not enjoy that very much. She was in love with balls and frisbees and would do quite the acrobatics to catch them, but then would run away with it and never give it back. She did learn to come and stay and sit and lie down, but regardless of her training, she would bolt out the front door any chance she got. Man she was fast and there was no hope of catching her unless you could get her attention with a ball, frisbee or treat. We tried every kind of collar and leash to make walks manageable because she would pull so much, and finally found the gentle leader, which is the only thing that worked. Even still, she was always right out in front, leading the way.

Callie and baby Morgan

When we brought Morgan home, we were amazed that even though she would still run around like a psycho dog, she was very conscientious of him and very gentle with him. My family still recounts the time he was laying on a blanket on the floor only a few weeks old and she pulled the blanket out from under him, sending him catapulting over, but for the most part she was so sweet with him. We would find her under his crib while he was sleeping or following him around to keep him out of trouble. She didn't mind when he stole her food, bones, and toys, or when he grabbed her ears, poked her eyeballs, pulled her tail or later sat on her like a horse. She obliged him with sloppy lick kisses in his open mouth, and cleaned the spit up off his face. She learned the art of high chair floor clean up, and hovered around whenever he was eating.

Callie, Seth and Morgan in the backpack

She was our outdoor adventure companion. She loved to hike with us and would run up ahead to scope out the trail and then come right back as soon as we were out of sight to make sure we were coming. I think she traveled about 10 times the distance we did on those hikes with all her running ahead and coming back to check on us. She didn't love the water the first time Seth threw her in, but as she got used to it, she became quite the water-loving dog. She would go out on the canoe with us and then jump in and swim alongside us as we paddled. One time we got her some little "paw shoes" to protect her feet on our rocky adventures, and we laughed our heads off as she walked in them the first time. She pranced like a horse until she ripped those suckers right off of her feet. She was hilarious to take snowshoeing too. She would run so fast that she didn't even sink into the snow. It was like watching a twitterpated deer prancing around in Bambi. She loved it when we took her sledding because it was the only time we could keep up with her speed. She would run alongside us as we zipped down the hill.

Callie chasing Morgan and Seth on the sled

Callie and Roxy

Right before Chloe was born, we took in a puppy from a friend who had rescued a pregnant dog. Roxy was just 8 weeks old when we brought her home, and Callie took her on as her own puppy. She showed that little puppy the ropes of life with babies and toddlers around. She taught her all of the bad habits, and all of the good habits, and she played and played with that little Roxy until Roxy got bigger than her and tried to steal all the sunshine spots. Callie was not too thrilled about that. They were buddies though, and when we had to find another home for Roxy a couple of years later right before Brynn was born, Callie missed her friend. Callie continued to be crazy and energetic and fast, but with each little baby we brought home from the hospital, she softened and sweetened and mellowed a little more. She loved those babies of ours with all her heart!

Callie watching over newborn Ellie

Callie and Chloe

Our family picture 2007

Morgan, Chloe and Callie

Chloe and Callie

By the time we moved to Portland, Callie was a very good dog. She was worried sick as we started taking everything out of the house and loading it into the moving truck. Apartment life for 3 weeks was as awful for her as it was for all of us, but once we got to our house in Oregon and she had room to roam, she was a happy happy dog. She still loved to run out the door and got excited when people came over, but she would always come back. She loved our many trips to the coast to play in the ocean, drink the salty water, chase the waves and lounge in the sand. She loved our waterfall hikes and adventures, but mostly, I think she loved the landing of our staircase where the giant two story bay window was filled with sunshine on the non-cloudy days. I often found her curled up there soaking it all up.

Chloe, Brynn, Seth and Callie on the Oregon coast

We made her nervous when we packed up our world again, but Arizona proved to be a happy place for Callie. She explored the cacti at first...realized that wasn't a great idea, and avoided them in the future. She chased lots of lizards, and birds and even caught a pack rat for us. But her favorite thing was swimming. That dog love love loved to swim. She also loved to lifeguard and would always bark if she was worried that something the kids were doing in the water wasn't safe. It was kind of annoying, but also sweet and endearing. She pulled her weight though, and made sure to swim around and gather up all the toys when we finished swimming, so they weren't left in the water. This didn't go so well with the blow up toys...

Callie and Lincoln October 2014

But the thing I didn't really consciously realize was how much she was mothering my babies. In the days after she was gone, I noticed such a void. It wasn't just that she wasn't there sitting in the patch of sunshine, or that her tail wasn't wagging when I came in the room, or even that she wasn't there to greet me when I'd get home from errands...though I miss those things terribly. I was surprised when I noticed that I was so much more exhausted, and Ellie and the babies seemed like so much more work than normal. I noticed that in the morning when I brought the babies in my room like I always do, they were getting on the bed, climbing all over me and pulling my hair and driving me crazy...she used to be the one who did first-thing-in-the-morning play duty. I noticed that they wanted me to come and follow them around because Callie wasn't there to play chase with in circles around the house. I noticed that when I took them in another room to divert their attention while I got dinner finished or swept the floor, they just came right back in crying because Callie wasn't there to wear off some of their energy playing catch or lick or chase. I noticed that despite my best efforts and multiple times sweeping each day, the high chair corner was disgusting, and the rest of the floor wasn't much better. I noticed that I was on high alert when the kids would go play out in the backyard because my nanny-dog wasn't there to make sure they were safe or alert me if there was danger. I didn't realize how much I counted on her to make our household run.

Callie and Lincoln - October 2014

Chloe checking on Callie first thing in the
morning when she was sick. So glad she spent
time petting her and telling her she loved her.

The kids were all heartbroken over the loss. They knew there was a chance she would die when they left for school that morning because she was so sick, and we had talked about it. They had mentioned that at least she had gotten to have a really happy life with us and that we had gotten to have a really

Callie's Funeral

happy life with her. But when we made the decision to euthanize, the vet advised us not to wait because she was so miserable that each hour was like an eternity for her. So I went by myself while Seth was working, kids were at school and a friend was sitting with the babies while they were napping. I had the horrible responsibility of telling them about it in the short minutes after they got home from school and before the kids started arriving for dance. Chloe was the first to break down. She tried to be strong, but I could see it in her face that she was holding back the tears and as soon as I told her it was ok to be sad, she sobbed on my shoulder. The other kids seemed to be very sad, but ok when I told them, but after dance and dinner when we had our little funeral for her, I saw Morgan with tears streaming down his face watching us finish putting the dirt on her grave. I went to hug him and Brynn came over to join in the sobbing. Chloe joined us too, and we all cried. Poor little Brynn feels things so deeply, that she couldn't stop crying to go to sleep until very late. We looked at pictures of Callie in the scrapbooks and on my computer, and remembered all the wonderful things about her, which was fun to laugh and remember, but our hearts were still heavy and the tears came and went for days. Sometimes they still come in waves. Ellie has struggled to really process it. She still tells everyone she sees, "Our Callie dog died" or "We had to bury our Callie dog because she died." We found some digging by Callie's grave and are sure it was Ellie. The other morning she prayed that Callie would get better and we had to explain to her that Callie can't get better. I can't decide whether it hurts more to experience my own grief from losing her after 10.5 years of having her in my life or watching my kids experience the grief of losing the friend that has been a part of their whole lives. Either way, this is definitely the worst part of loving a dog.

We all feel a hole in our hearts that she used to fill. It aches each time the kids walk in the door from school and look around for Callie before they realize she isn't there to greet them at the door. It aches each time I lay down in my bed and see an empty spot on the floor by our bed where she used to sleep. It aches when the babies wake up in the morning saying, "Dog, dog" and looking for their friend. It aches when someone knocks on my door and there isn't any barking or sounds of pawprints running to greet them. It aches each time Seth walks in the door from work and I didn't realize he had pulled in the driveway because nobody alerted me. It aches when I do the dishes and have to wash crusted food off of them before they go in the dishwasher because Callie wasn't there to pre-wash them. It aches when Seth comes into our bedroom each night and he isn't followed by a four-legged shadow. It aches when we go out for a walk as a family, and there is no discussion of who gets to
hold the leash. It aches when I see the empty gray chair in the corner that she always claimed. Most of all it aches when we see little spots of sunshine throughout our house unclaimed.

So to you, our little sunshine pup, farewell! Thanks for teaching us to seek the sunshine, to live vibrantly, to love even when that love is undeserved, to serve willingly and indiscreetly, and to greet the world with excitement! We look forward to the day when you greet us with that excitement in heaven...thanks for letting us be your family.

snapshot of right now

2014-10-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

At this very moment across the room from me Callie just stretched and went back to sleep mid-afternoon nap on the couch. Calendars and notebooks are sprawled next to me from going through my schedule and making sure I have everything written down where everyone in my family can see it (and most importantly, where I can see it so it doesn't slip through the cracks. Today is Thursday which means on a typical day I would be moving couches around and sweeping my floor to turn my front room into a dance studio for a 5 handful of 5-6 year olds and later a handful of 7-8 year olds (and tomorrow a bunch of 3 year olds), but today happens to be mommy and me class, so my house remains a house and dance will be held at the church. Two babies are sleeping in their room, tired from pushing chairs around, climbing in and out of their stroller and hanging on my legs during my dance conditioning exercise class this morning. Ellie is sleeping in her room, worn out from 2.5 hours of non-stop fun at storybook preschool pretending to be a frog, eating carrot "bugs" and raisin "Beetles", and being immersed in the brilliance of the classic book "Frog and Toad are Friends".

In less than an hour, I will have two girls to hug and snuggle, schoolwork to appreciate, questions to pick out of the jar and ask during 10 minutes with mom and instructions to give. I will hear about tag at recess, who had the same crackers in their lunch today, and what songs were learned in music. In nearly two hours my little man will walk through the door and I will hug him and ask him whether he caught any passes or scored any touchdowns during the football games at recess that he so enjoys. He will tell me about after-school chorus and whether he got the homework he forgot to take this morning that I dropped off for him at school earlier today.

And then we will all load up and head to dance. Brynn will go first, then Chloe and Morgan's class. Hopefully Seth will be there (with pizza in the car for dinner) to pick up the littles while I stay and dance with Morgan and Chloe since the babies will demand Mom the minute Morgan leaves them to join his ballet class. After dance, we will munch up pizza and baby carrots for dinner while homework is worked on, book report projects are finished up, spelling words reviewed and piano practiced.

We will swish some babies into their beds, read a stack of books, say a bunch of prayers, give a bunch of hugs and kisses and lock a couple of doors from the outside. And then it will be (mostly) quiet again...in between reminders to stop chit chatting and pretending and go to sleep. I will pick up some ingredients for funeral potatoes that are to be delivered tomorrow afternoon, balance our checkbook and pay bills, Seth will finish his charting and hopefully we will fit in some mindless tv watching and chat a bit before collapsing into bed ourselves, exhausted from the whirlwind of it all, to rest up for the start of a different but very similar whirlwind tomorrow.

Lately I have been so busy doing all of these things and feeling utterly overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of how much has to happen every.single.day, that it has made me sick {quite literally - I am struggling to recover from a cold/flu virus I got over two weeks ago}. So this afternoon, I sat in the quiet and thought about what I could do to feel rejuvenated so I could take on the rest of the day without feeling exhausted just thinking about it. I decided to write it....record it so that I could remember this moment: the eye of the storm, and as I did, I was filled with joy. It seems so overwhelming when you are just going through the motions to survive the day, but when I started thinking about all the beautiful little things that come from the many many tasks, I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so grateful to have a body that can lift and lug. I am grateful for a house with space to host dance classes. I am grateful for a wonderful school where my kids can learn and play and excel. I am grateful for kind and caring friends that have crossed my path throughout the day. I am grateful for technology that keeps track of all the things my brain cannot. I am grateful for a husband who goes to work every day to provide for our family so I have a budget to balance and gas in my car and this lovely bag of baby carrots sitting next to me to munch on. I am grateful that I have the energy and means to serve and that people don't hesitate to call when help is needed. I am grateful for kids who love life...who find the joy in every little bit of it. I am grateful for the slobbery kisses and the sweaty hugs and the excited anticipation in their voices as they recount the day. I am grateful for the piles of books all over my house that are evidence of many many many moments snuggled and reading together. Truly this life is so filled with joy! I am so glad to think that the life I have been given is the one that will bring me the most lasting joy...and your life is the one that will bring you the most lasting joy. What a blessing it is to live on this earth!

Hope the snippet of your life today is overflowing with joy! Happy Thursday!

Brynn's first day of Preschool

2014-02-15T22:44:00.003-08:00

These are from August 2013 when Brynn started preschool. Love this girl and all her silliness...even if she didn't look at the camera once!

Newborn Pictures

2014-02-15T22:30:00.005-08:00

My amazingly talented friend took the most gorgeous newborn photos of my babies in her studio. She captured them so beautifully and I love her to pieces for it! Check out her work (it is all amazing, but be warned that you will probably want to have another baby after you visit her site) at www.jenniferbphotography.com.

Remembering

2014-02-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today is 9 months since Lincoln and Ryder were born. I am determined to get caught up on organizing pictures and making sure I know which baby is which, and as I have been sorting through tonight, I am more in love with those two little boys than ever. I am so glad that somewhere in the fog of newborn twins, I got out my camera and captured some everyday moments with them.

Like how tiny their little arms and legs were...

and the gorgeous little fuzz that covered their bodies and collected in a little whisp on their shoulders...

and, of course, the way they seemed to communicate with each other in their own little best buddy way, even before they were a month old.

Thank you exhausted new-Mama self, for taking these pictures in your sleep-deprived state.

So thankful for these boys and all the love and joy they brought with them 9 months ago.

xoxoxo

the best things in life are hard

2014-01-05T13:45:00.001-08:00

Today I am home from church with three almost-better-but-still-sick babies who are resting, so I want to share some thoughts that have been flooding my mind lately. I know the thoughts are scattered and kind of all over the place, but that is pretty depictive of me right now.

Being a parent right now is hard. It is filled with worry. Worry that you are doing it all wrong. Worry that you might mess up your kids forever. Worry that despite doing your best those kids have the ability to choose for themselves and there are certainly plenty of opportunities for them to choose the things you know won't make them happy...truly happy. Worry that the people around them won't love them for who they are, that they might get picked on or teased or worse. Worry that they might be the person who picks on or teases someone else. Worry that they won't make the right kind of friends. Worry that they aren't excelling in school. Worry that they are excelling too much in school. Worry that there just isn't time in those short hours they are home with you to mold them into the well rounded person you want them to be. Worry that you can't fit in piano and soccer and dance and football for all of them starting at age 4....or afford all of those things for 6 kids simultaneously.

And so you are left to choose what is best. And I am glad to have prayer and communication with God to help with that. Time and time again, I find myself choosing to fit less and less into this life of ours. Maybe I am getting old...I am 30 after all. Maybe I am getting tired from months of sleepless nights and carrying two babies around all day. Or maybe I am just getting better at figuring out what really truly builds us up as a family. So, I say no to tennis, and later to piano and yes to having the missionaries over for dinner. I say no to a charter school because I am not willing to take the time out of our lives to spend it in the car back and forth every day even if it means removing the disaster of common core from our lives. I say yes to inviting friends over and playdates, but no to the science fair. I say no to just about anything that falls on a Monday night because that is family home evening and we need to yell, "Welcome to family home evening" at the top of our lungs together as a family so we can make it through the week. I say yes to a later bedtime so we can go for a walk around the neighborhood together as a family while the sun is setting, but no to later bedtime to go to an event at the school. And as I type this out, I am ridden with a kind of guilt for admitting it, but liberated by the reality that in making these choices I am doing what is best for my family.

I wonder if I would have figured this out without the struggles of the last year. As I have been reflecting on where we are now and where we are headed, I have felt such gratitude for the journey we have been on. When we found out we were going to have twins, my initial prayer about it included the words, "What are you thinking, Heavenly Father? How can I possibly handle having two babies?" And now my sentiments have changed so much. I can't imagine my life without these two sweet boys. What a horrible tragedy it would have been to miss out on all the joy and love they have brought into my life. I would have never known what I was missing out on, but now that I have it, I know that it would have been impossible for a loving Heavenly Father to not send them to me. I am sure he patiently smiled to himself, shaking his head during that first prayer on the way home from the ultrasound. He knew what he was doing and I had no idea what I was questioning. Thankfully, I am not in charge of the plan.

Here is another not-as-fast-flashback flipagram of our twin journey: http://flipagram.com/f/RaKSVYoPhm

Each night at the dinner table we ask a "question of the day" and each person has an opportunity to answer. Often the questions are silly, "If you could be any kind of tree which one would you be?", and sometimes they are more serious, "What is your very best quality?" The kids love to suggest questions, and some of the things they come up with are quite fantastic. One of those included last night's question: "What is your favorite thing about the baby boys." The answers were all similar, but the love was palpable. I wish I could come up with words that would communicate how they have changed our family. Every single one of us. How they have made us love each other more. How they have made us see the world differently. How they have challenged us and shown us our weaknesses. How they have brought out our strengths and deepened our love for ourselves and for our Heavenly Father. How they have built confidence and independence and self-worth in each of our children. How they light up our home.

I feel similarly about our job adventure. Fresh out of school 2.5 years ago, we thought we would take one of the many job options available, get approved for the loan repayment and 2-3 years later be debt free and ready to move back to Utah and start the rest of our lives. And while you will not find me knocking Utah (many out-of-state Mormons are not big fans of Utah, it seems), the part of my life I thought was going to be the "endure until I can get back to my real life" has turned out to be such a fun adventure. It has been hard in many ways, but again, worth it for the way it has changed us.

Apparently I haven't actually shared this as I thought I had (probably because I don't actually sit down and blog very often), but the loan repayment thing still hasn't happened for us. When we set out to Portland originally, we really thought (based on what we had heard and read) that we would apply the second it opened and we would get approved and they would pay the money and we would fulfill the service contract. After the program changed and that didn't happen in Portland, we set out to find a job that was more likely to get approved, but we did know that it still wasn't a sure thing. We were approved for one of the repayment programs in the summer, but accepting it would have taken us out of the running for the other (higher paying) program. So, we prayerfully considered and both Seth and I felt like we shouldn't take it, and so we declined it. I thought this meant we were getting the other one and didn't worry. Again, the word came back, though, that we had not been approved. And while it should have sent me into panic mode, it didn't. The email came, the reality sank in, and I said ok, knowing that this was part of a bigger plan and that it would all turn out ok. And so, here we are, at the point we originally thought we would be finishing up our service contract, debt-free and headed back to "start the rest of our lives" and wondering what the next step is for us. We sort of hope it involves sticking around Tucson for a while longer (we are contracted through the end of September, so for sure until then), but the last few years have helped us to realize that we just want to go where Heavenly Father wants us to go and do what he wants us to do. It may not always result in the outcome we were seeking, but it always results in something better than we could have imagined.

So onward, friends and family. Keep doing the hard things and we will too...looking back it is always the hard things that bring the most joy into our lives!

Looking back and Looking forward

2014-01-02T21:43:00.001-08:00

2013 will go down in the history of our family as the craziest year ever! And with all the crazy, came more love and blessings than I could have ever imagined. It is so strange to think that just a year ago, I had no idea what was headed our way. Our word for 2013 was "Delight" and my goodness how it fit. We truly found delight in all that we experienced! Of course the crowning achievement of our year was welcoming Lincoln and Ryder to our family and from the minute they arrived they have brought us so much delight! We asked the kids to tell us their favorite thing that happened in 2013 and most of them said it was bringing the babies home from the hospital. Their very little lives remind us every day of the miracles we experienced getting them here and how much our Father in Heaven knows us and loves us. I am so glad that we were inspired to choose the word delight as our word of the year, because it was a constant reminder to enjoy every experience, even the ones that tried us to the very core.

As I look forward to 2014, again I have absolutely no idea what is in store for my little family this year. We sure love this life we have here in Arizona, though, and we wouldn't mind a bit if this year was a little less eventful than the last one. This life of ours is a whole lot of work and everyone in the family has to pitch in and help, so as I was thinking about our word of the year, I felt like we should focus on making a little more time for fun. But as Seth and I talked it over we decided that what we really need is to find a happy balance between work and play, so our word for 2014 is "BALANCE".

I downloaded the flipagram app to check it out because everyone on Instagram was doing it and you know what? Our 2013 in pictures literally flashing before my eyes captured my heart! I can't believe how much everybody has changed and how much happened! So, don't watch this if you are sensitive to flashing lights because it flips through more than 400 pictures in 30 seconds, but otherwise enjoy!

Click here to watch

Wishing you a wonderful 2014 filled with love and happiness!

Today I uploaded pictures

2013-11-26T22:25:00.002-08:00

from 3 months of letting them pile up on my CF cards.

And picture after picture I relived the months that have gone by so quickly I can't even remember them. I kicked myself again and again for not being more diligent in getting out my camera and capturing this life of mine...these gorgeous children I get to call my own, the friends that make our lives so rich, the neighborhood that we have come to love, the fun times spent in our backyard, the hours of helping with homework and working on spelling words and the messes and moments that have filled our days. But every few minutes I would come across a picture that made me cut myself some slack because at least I captured a little bit of it. (I need to take the time to post some of them here because it is evidence that we have indeed been enjoying this life of ours despite the survival mode mentality that has become our new normal.)

And then I came across this one...

...and my heart burst into a million pieces with love.

There isn't anything particularly amazing about this photo, but in it I see the proof that there is a God and that this little family of mine was part of a plan. That these little people who fill my home with noise and chaos, chose this family...these siblings...these parents (bless their little hearts for that one). That this palpable love that all of them exude for one another existed long before they came to this world. And those two little miracle babies fill our home with so.much.love. Their bond is so unique and so sweet that I feel inordinately blessed just to witness it each day. They have captured the hearts of each of their older siblings, and that is a special thing to watch too.

I am grateful every day when I settle exhausted into my bed to know that this beautiful, chaotic, loud, craziness of a life is mine! That I chose it, I love it and I would choose it again every time!

Sleep...the ultimate quest

2013-10-07T15:19:00.001-07:00

When I was pregnant with Lincoln and Ryder, there were a couple of things that I decided I didn't really need to worry about because I knew my body, had done my research and had the experience to back it all up x4. One was exclusively breastfeeding - which is going great. Check! The other was basic baby know how - which is sort of - eh. You pick a lot of it back up, but it would be a lot easier to implement if I had 2 extra hands. But overall, diaper changing, juggling a couple of baby carriers and a toddler, loading and unloading the car a million times a day, hauling what seems like the entire garage to soccer games or the park...we'll consider that one a check too!

Then there is sleep training. Morgan was not a good sleeper, but by the time Chloe came around, we were ready to make sure she was. And we got her, and Brynn and Ellie to be amazing sleepers early on...like 2-3 months old sleeping 10-12 hours at night early on. So, of course, I thought we were going to get these babies to follow suit. But it hasn't been quite that easy. First there was the issue of preemies who need to eat more often and aren't "allowed" to go more than 4 hours between feedings for at least a month. Then there is the issue of their "adjusted age" and being expected to use that as the benchmark...pushing everything back at least a month. And the fact that they shared a crib and now share a room and were waking each other up didn't help either. So I tried a new-to-me method of gradual elimination of night feedings specifically geared toward multiples. I started later than I would have liked because we were traveling when I wanted to start, but we started around 13 weeks old and over the course of a couple of weeks it started to work. With a lot of patience.

I felt like we were about 2 days away from completely eliminating all the night feedings and getting a full 12 hours of sleep at night for them (and 8ish hours for us) when we go the stomach bug at our house and our world turned upside down. A few days of 2-3 minute feedings every 60-90 minutes really threw that for a loop and the babies did not respond well when we tried to again start the gradual elimination method because they ended up with colds a few days after the flu finished its rounds in our house, which had them waking up throughout the night needing to have the boogers sucked from their noses so they could breathe. After about a week of that, they recovered and we started again with success...again. Probably just 2-3 days from getting a full nights sleep, the fussiness began. The screaming-bloody-murder, back-arching in pain for 1-2 hours unconsolably (even with feedings) a couple of times a day and a couple of times at night fussiness. Turns out reflux hit them hard, so we started the prevacid routine we have had to do with all of our other kids. With prevacid in their systems, the babies weren't waking up to eat, rather just waking up wanting their binki, or to be rolled over, or snuggled back with their blanket. In fact, by most standards they were probably each individually doing really well. They were both sleeping a long stretch from 6:30/7 until 11 pm-2am, and then waking up a couple of times and going right back down after attended to. The problem with twins is that two babies each doing well still equates to 2-4 night wakings for mom and almost never at the same times. (They are on a great synchronized schedule during the day, but for the purpose of sleep training, it is advised to let each baby go as long as he can to try and eliminate those feedings). Which brings us up to a couple of weeks ago.

Up to that point I had not slept longer than 3 hours in a row in 4 months+. But worse than that, 3 hours was on a really really lucky night. The typical was more like 1.5-2 hours in a row and totaling less than 5 hours a night...for 4 months. I was a walking zombie...a cranky, exhausted walking zombie. I would desperately search the babycenter forums for solutions, polled the facebook world for their ideas, and even checked out a couple of sleep training books to re-read. I was just too darn exhausted to do the gradual training method again. And somewhere in the midst of my exhaustion I thought...why don't I just trust myself to do this the same way I have done it with all my other kids. That way is the ferber method and letting them cry it out. I am happy to report that it is working. After almost 5 months of not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row, last night I slept 4.5 hours in a row! 4.5!!!! It was amazing. The babies are soooo close to not waking up at all. They go from 6:30/7-5:30/6:30 without a feeding every night, and they only wake up once (or not at all) each and go right back to sleep after a pat on the back and pulling the blanket back over them. I am trying to remember that even though twins are different, I still have to trust my instincts as a mom.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: sleep training twins is ridiculously hard. I think that a very effective form of torture is not allowing a person to sleep for months on end. And on that note, if I have said something stupid, offensive, ultra-opinionated, judgmental, or unsensitive in the last 5 months, please blame my lack of sleep and know that I am sorry and have not been myself. Seriously...the things that come out of my mouth when I am pregnant or sleep deprived are things the normal, well-rested me doesn't even think (excited that this fun facet of my personality gets to be gone forever!). I am looking forward to turning into a human again as sleep and I get reacquainted.

The Power of One Year

2013-09-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, our family locked up the back of a giant moving truck, strapped 2 little tikes cozy coupes on the back of my car, opened a bottle of sparkling cider to drink with breakfast on the patio of our empty Oregon house, and then loaded our family into 2 overstuffed cars and drove away from our beautiful life in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

(all of these are iPhone pictures or instagram posts...they were the easiest to access.) :)

Since that day one year ago, we have experienced every range of emotions and experiences...fear, excitement, courage, hope, encouragement, loss, love, miracles, anger, worry, blessings, fun, happiness, heartbreak, prayer...so much prayer, reliance, relief, anticipation, frustration, sickness, health, fatigue, hopelessness, faith, patience, sunshine, newness, overwhelm, friendship, peace, service and pure joy. We have ridden the ups and downs of the rollercoaster of life more in this last year than any time I can remember.

I find myself reflecting often about our time in Oregon. People ask me where we are from and of course I say Utah...but I can't bear to leave out that we lived in Oregon for a year. It is funny how much that place seeped into my bones and became a part of my story...our story. I don't think I could ever again live there because those gray skies almost did me in, but Lake Oswego will always be a place I consider to be "home". I long for our evenings at George Rodgers Park playing in the Willamette River. I miss enjoying 5 breathtaking waterfalls on one short hike. Every day this summer I wanted to pack everyone up and go play at the Lake Grove Swim Park...every.single.day. I yearn to feel the cool salty breeze as I watch my sweet family play in the ocean waves on our favorite Oregon Beach surrounded by the gorgeous views of the Oregon coast. I bought some Oregon Picked Blueberries the other day, and savored every last one I ate remembering the many times we went and picked berries until our buckets and tummies were filled. I miss the kids' school and the amazing system they had for catering to each individual child and fostering creativity while demanding academic excellence. Most of all, I still feel like little pieces of my heart are missing because they are still back there with people who I consider to be some of my dearest friends in the world...very few of them still live right there in our little neighborhood anymore, but my heart knew them there and it will probably always wish to be there with them.

But in a year I have grown to also love this life we have here in Oro Valley. This has been the place where we have had to learn to receive, and the place where so many have selflessly given of themselves for us. I feel like we haven't been able to dive in and become a part of it like we would have liked because we have been in flux for the whole of our time here (not to mention that here has been in 2 different places), but yet it has still managed to weave itself into my soul and become a part of me.

A year from now I wonder what our life will look like. I imagine it will look a lot like it does now, but with two 1 year olds instead of newborns and kids with odd number ages instead of even. I hope it will find us thriving: giving more than we are receiving. I hope it will find us surrounded by friends who have become very dear...friends who have stolen pieces of our hearts forever. I hope I will look around our school and church and know more people than I don't know and that I can weave myself into this place as it has woven itself into me. I do know this: that I will never again underestimate the power of one year to mold and change and shape my life.

Sick x Six

2013-08-29T23:00:00.002-07:00

The last 2 weeks at our house have been rough. I thought we were doing pretty well...scheduling playdates, taking showers in the morning and actually styling the girls' hair, getting to school on time, cooking healthy dinners, babies going 9-12 hours between night feedings (still waking up, but on the verge of sleeping right through)...all that fun stuff. And then it hit us: gastroenteritis aka the "stomach flu". It all started when Brynn threw up in primary...and then about 10 more times that afternoon. She even *fell asleep on the bathroom floor. The next morning Ryder started spitting up more than usual and Ellie started complaining of her tummy hurting and sure enough she was throwing up by bedtime and after cleaning up her crib a couple of times, we made up a bed in our bathtub for her. As soon as we got her situated, Morgan started in, and Lincoln had a very fussy night. Tuesday Lincoln was spitting up more than usual and Chloe was the one complaining of a sick tummy until she started throwing up in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, it was a sleepless couple of days, a lot of cleaning, and a whole LOT of laundry! Once everyone finished throwing up, Seth and I both got hit by a pretty rough cold which slowed us down through the weekend while we still worked to recover from all the sick kids. On Sunday Ryder started projectile vomitting again, but much worse this time, and Lincoln started to get fussy again. Monday both Lincoln and Ryder were spitting up violently and exploding through diapers left and right. I spent the day feeding them 2-5 minutes at a time every 2-ish hours. And just when we thought we were through it, Seth woke up very sick to his stomach Tuesday and had to stay home from work for two days.

So now, I am the only one who hasn't had the stomach bug and I am living in fear and overdosing on vitamins (prayers are welcome!). The good news is that everyone seems to be on the mend, and the babies are almost back to where they were with their nighttime feedings before all the illness. With any luck I might actually get a full nights sleep sometime this week (I'd even be happy with 3 hours in a row - sad, but true). The bad news is that I don't think I can handle the six sick kids thing ever again. Yesterday morning I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown as the kids were making messes in every room of the house I had stayed up late cleaning the night before, dawdling instead of getting ready for school and Ellie was eating the kids' packed school lunches as they were getting their shoes on to head out the door. And since I know that hoping the sickies never make their rounds at our house again is unreasonable, I'll just hope that next time, I will be well rested and ready to take it on.

*links are to pictures from my instagram feed

Still so fresh

2013-08-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like I borderline post too much of our lives here on the internet, yet that never seems to be on this blog because the truth is I rarely turn on my computer anymore. Thankfully instagram can be posted to from my phone while I am feeding babies (which is a pretty significant portion of my life right now). ;)

This new twin life of ours is still what I consider to be quite wonderful! We have our ups and downs and some days are harder than others, but on the whole, we are surviving and thriving despite a major sleep deficit and a busy schedule now that the kids are back in school.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since those two sweet boys entered this earth life and forever changed me and our family. I hopped on the computer tonight to print some pictures for Brynn's star student poster for preschool tomorrow, and came across the pictures from that sweet day 3 months ago. Immediately, a flood of emotions came over me, and it was as if I was right back there in that operating room meeting them for just a few short seconds before they were whisked off to the NICU.

Lincoln (sorry for the graphic baby boy parts)

Ryder

Holding Lincoln for the first time

Holding Ryder for the first time

What we thought would be a picture of the 4 of us, but the nurse who was taking the picture didn't know how to use the camera so Ryder was out of the frame and we are all out of focus. Seconds later Ryder started turning blue and in just moments all three of my boys were gone to the NICU:

And then when I finally made it to the NICU over an hour later, I remember how this sight broke my heart, humbled me to the core and filled me with the deepest sense of love all at the same time.

Lincoln:

Ryder:

And I remember how glad I was to have this man by my side as the tears streamed down my face that night. I remember how sweet it was to pray with him before he left for the night and how quickly our prayers were heard and answered. I remember how calm I felt listening to the doctors say a whole bunch of stuff I didn't understand, knowing that he was there with me understanding all of it. I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did, but having babies always does that to me. How could I not melt seeing the way he looked at that sweet little Ryder man (and how funny it is to think that at that point we still just knew him as Baby #2 formerly known as Baby A).

But, the pictures that take me back the most, are the ones from those 12 days in the NICU. The emotions are still real and raw and I can still say without a doubt that those were the hardest 12 days of my life.

Lincoln:

Ryder:

Lincoln left, Ryder right

And when Lincoln was released from the NICU, but we still had to stay to be with Ryder...

So grateful for the amazing progress they have made in the last 3 months, the tender mercies of the Lord through all of it, and the sweet experience of being their mom, however hard the journey may have been and however hard it may be in the future. Love these little boys with all of my heart!

Our New Normal

2013-06-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

I wanted to give it a little bit of time before posting about our new normal and how it is to have 6 kids 8 and under because I thought maybe the first few days were just a fluke or maybe having Seth home from work last week was really skewing my view of our new normal. But, it has been a week and a half...and even a few days of just me and the kids on our own, and as it turns out, our new normal is pretty darn awesome!

I am certain that our 12 day NICU stay was the very worst 12 days of my life...ever, and with the perspective that I am so grateful to not be there anymore, being home from the hospital with these little guys has been absolutely divine. No, I don't get a whole lot of sleep and yes there are 3 bums that need changing on a constant basis throughout the day, loads of laundry to be done, kitchen counters to clean and dinners to make. Four people are depending on me to not nap when the babies nap as everyone keeps suggesting, but take care of them, help them resolve their conflicts, brainstorm fun things they can do to keep busy, take them swimming, feed them, remind them to brush their teeth and hair, and even just snuggle with them when they are having a hard minute/hour/day. I am still stumped about how I will every go grocery shopping this summer, errands are confined to places that have drive thrus, and I NEED a Dr. Pepper (and usually some skittles) at least once a day to make it through.

But, oh how I missed doing those things. Yes, I even missed grocery shopping, cooking meals for my family and doing my own laundry. And sure, I still get frustrated with the kids when they ignore me asking them to pick up their toys for the 5 millionth time today, but what a blessing to be here with them all day every day. To know the things that made them happy and sad. To be the one who they came to for love and understanding. To hug them and kiss their little foreheads any time I feel like it. To be the first to hear their newest favorite phrase/joke/song. To smell that sweet newborn baby smell every 3 hours when I "have to" feed the babies. To see their teeny tiny fingers wrap tightly around mine and the skin get all wrinkled up around their knees because their legs are so skinny. To hear the quiet voices of my big kids as they talk to their little baby brothers and see the way they are drawn like magnets to wherever the babies are. To greet my husband when he walks in the door from work and kiss him goodnight in the comfort of our own room and our own bed. What a blessing it is to do the normal stuff!

We have ventured out of the house a few times already and every time, I end up tired but feeling accomplished. "This is manageable," I tell Seth nearly every night..."a lot of work, but manageable." I hear, "You've got your hands full," and "Are they all yours?" A LOT. Sidenote: asking someone running errands if all the kids with them are theirs is kind of dumb...who takes someone else's kids out to run errands ever, much less when they have newborn twins? We implement the buddy system and Morgan and Chloe have gotten to be very good helpers. Despite what I think is complete and utter chaos, we often get complimented on how good our kids are, which is definitely a mom-ego boost.

I think the hardest part of all of this is feeling like everyone thinks we are so "fragile". We have been so blessed with SO MUCH help from friends and neighbors and family, and we have appreciated (and continue to appreciate) all of it! And, while I will continue to accept and ask for help as we need it, it feels so good to be able to be somewhat independent again. I am consciously trying not to overdo it (despite my overachiever tendencies), and I know my limits, but we are so excited to have neighbor friends over for playdates and to have the missionaries over for dinner and to host BBQs and playgroups at our house. But I wonder if anyone will ever take us up on those things again or if they will always think they can't ask because we already have our hands full. So I am making this official statement - our hands may be full, but there is always room for spending time with family and friends and giving service because that is what we love! We will always choose having someone over for dinner over having someone bring us dinner because the former is so much more fulfilling for us. Our house is open to visitors from here on out, so feel free to plan a trip! It is hot here in Arizona, but our house is kind of like a vacation home with a private pool, no daily charge and early morning wake up calls via children at your bedside. :) Normal is a wonderful thing!

Home Sweet Home!

2013-05-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

After spending the day on light therapy yesterday, Ryder's bili dropped more than 4 points. Being off the phototherapy for 6 hours, it dropped again, and they gave us the go ahead to take our little ones home!! Seth and Brynn had come to the hospital to bring me lunch and be there for the news of the blood work, and we all cheered when we got the news! Such a blessing!

We loaded up all of our stuff...amazing how much you accumulate over a 12 day hospital stay...and headed down to the car. Each of the people we saw on our way out who had cared for our babies literally clapped and cheered that we finally got to go home. We were truly blessed to have so many kind and caring nurses and doctors looking out for us and caring for our babies and trying so hard to get us home as quickly as possible.

The kids were so excited to see their two baby brothers come through the door and have spent a good part of the day holding, cuddling and just watching their baby brothers. Chloe and Morgan and Brynn are old pros at holding the babies and being gentle with them and I am amazed at how gentle and sweet Ellie is with them. She loves to hold them, hates when you take them away, and gently touches them and kisses them. There is really nothing that compares to having your family all together under one roof and knowing that you are whole and complete!

We have Babies!

2013-05-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

Since I wrote during labor last week it has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. And now that I finally have a minute to sit down and write there is so much to tell that I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start from where the last post left off. I haven't had time to deal with replacing my hard drive, so I can't post pictures, but I have been trying to capture most of this experience on my iphone and have been diligently posting to instagram (http://instagram.com/jenniferbelly), so you can check out my feed there if you want some visuals. :)

LABOR and DELIVERY
After I wrote last, they gave me my epidural and broke my water. Things continued to move along well, but my epidural didn't work...AT ALL. They kept poking me and touching me with ice to see if I was numb, and when I wasn't they tried to top off the epidural two different times...still nothing. Now during a typical labor, an epidural is a matter of comfort and pain management, but when you are laboring with twins, the risk of needing to have an emergency c-section is very high, so if you don't have a working epidural, you run the risk of having to be put completely under if anything goes wrong. So, with this in mind, and with my labor progressing pretty quickly, they finally decided to take out the epidural and try again.

So round 2 of the epidural, this time while experiencing some fairly painful contractions, and it seemed to be starting to work on one side. Sadly, it never spread past the outside half of my right leg, so when the contractions started coming stronger and closer and I was dialated to a 7, they again tried to top off the epidural and again...nothing. They decided to turn off my pitocin because the surgery staff and anesthesiologist were going to need to go into another procedure and sure enough, as soon as they turned off the pitocin, I needed to push.

So off we rolled to the operating room and I delivered Baby B first (now becoming Baby A) at 5:55 pm. He was face up and delivering him with no pain relief was certainly not a pleasant experience. If these babies hadn't been our last, they would have been after that. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come as Baby A (now becoming Baby B) flipped breech and had to be delivered by breech extraction (basically the Dr. reaches in and pulls the baby out by the legs) - again, not a very pleasant experience. I am grateful my other deliveries involved working epidurals and that our little guys were, indeed, little. I got to see the first baby for about a minute and they brought me the second baby, but shortly after they snapped a picture of Seth and I with both babies, baby #2 started turning blue, and both babies were whisked away to the NICU. Seth went with the babies (and my phone) and I was left to tell the doctors that they better not start giving me those stitches without numbing me as they were literally inches from starting. I am fairly certain they did not believe me that my epidural did not work. After a very long hour post-delivery and nurses changing shifts, Seth finally came back to update me and when the night nurse finally came in, I was able to go over to the NICU to see our babies.

NICU BABIES

Though I could walk, the NICU is in the attached children's hospital about 1/4 mile walk from my Labor and Delivery room, so Seth wheeled me over to the NICU room, and there they were...my sweet little boys on C-Paps to help them breathe, and making this little whine/cry sound in unison (a sound signifying that they are struggling to breathe). We didn't get to hold them, but got to stroke their sweet little fuzzy backs and try to decide on names for them. The kids had pretty much determined that they would be Lincoln and Ryder, and we thought Lincoln was pretty fitting for Baby #1, but with his little mask and frail little body, we just weren't sure that Ryder was a fitting name for Baby #2, so they both remained unnamed for the first day or so.

I'll never forget standing there at the sides of their little isolettes with tears falling down my cheeks feeling completely helpless and heartbroken that they had to be in there, hooked up to all the monitors and cords. I just wanted to scoop up my little babies and cuddle them and feed them and stare into their little faces while I relaxed in my hospital room like I had with all of my other kids. Eventually we headed back to my room to discuss names and one of the pediatricians came to give us the update on the babies and what they would be doing for them. We were told that Baby #1 would most likely be intubated and get serfactin and Baby #2 possibly would as well...something we were hoping to avoid. After we prayed for our little boys, Seth headed home for the night. Right after he left, I got a call from the NICU Dr. letting me know that their test results actually were better than they thought and that they wouldn't need to intubate either of the boys.

Thursday morning I went to see the babies first thing and was pleasantly surprised to find that neither of them were making the whine/cry sound anymore and they would both be weaning from the cpap over the course of the day. I wasn't able to hold them until later in the day, which was so hard as a new mommy. That afternoon, Baby #1 was moved from Cpap to a nasal canula, and Baby #2 was completely off of breathing help and breathing room air. The kids got to come and see the babies and hold Baby #2. My mom took the kids home to bed and Seth stayed at the hospital with me and the babies to decide on names (and snuggle the babies, of course).

Baby #1 (formerly Baby B) | Lincoln Seth Tate | 5 lbs 10 oz. | 18.5 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:55 pm
Baby #2 (formerly Baby A) | Ryder Seth Tate | 5 lbs 3 oz. | 18.9 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:59 pm

Friday morning both boys were under bili lights because they found that they have a different blood type than I do and the antibodies my body made to get rid of that blood from my body, transfers to them and attacks their blood cells causing the same reaction as jaundice. Because of this we couldn't hold either baby all day.

MY HOSPITAL STAY

I have always kind of enjoyed my hospital stay after having babies. It is a nice quiet short break from my everyday life where I get to snuggle with a newborn, have someone bring me food for every meal, and watch babies while I sleep all while recovering from delivery with pain meds and ice packs to prevent pain before it started. This hospital stay was none of that. I had to walk back and forth between the NICU and my post partum room many times a day. I always let my nurses know when I was going and when I got back to make it easier for them to do my care when I was there, but they were rarely around to check in on me and never brought me my pain meds on schedule. I had to pump milk to take to the babies since they weren't able to nurse yet. I had to share a bathroom with some other person who happened to decide to take a shower every single time I had an available minute to shower in between pumping, trips to the NICU, and trying to sleep. Also sharing a bathroom with a random woman who has just given birth seems unsanitary and is kind of gross, not to mention that every time she went in the bathroom, she had to lock the bathroom door from my room which was super loud. And the most frustrating part of my stay was that I requested an order for a breast pump (which my insurance would purchase for me) from every single nurse and Dr. I saw and none of them followed through on actually submitting the order to my insurance company until my discharge nurse came in and found me in tears on the phone with my insurance company trying to figure out how to make it happen on Friday afternoon when they were getting ready to discharge me. If I were having any more children I can tell you where I would not be delivering them...

FEELING TORN

Since the babies were getting their feedings through an ng tube, I went home and slept in my own bed Friday night. It was so wonderful to wake up to hugs from the kids on Saturday morning. After their initial excitement that Mom was home, Morgan's first question was, "Where are the babies?" He was pretty disappointed when I told him they had to stay in the hospital. "You didn't even get to bring one of them home?" he asked. It was pretty sweet. We headed down to Einsteins for breakfast with Grandma Becky and since we were more than halfway to the hospital, we decided to take the kids to see the babies again, even though they wouldn't get to hold them since they were under the bili lights. They were a little over-excited and it was a pretty short lived visit before Grandma took them back home.

Seth and I stayed for the day and then went home for dinner. During dinner, though, I got insanely sick...achey all over, unable to sit up, shooting pains and tingling in my back and legs and swelling like crazy in my hands and feet and legs. Despite my wishes to spend time with the big kids, it was all I could do to read them stories and then go up to my bed and fall asleep. I woke up Sunday morning feeling a little better, but still quite horrible. We think that it was the epidural medicine redistributing throughout my body and causing a reaction since it had obviously not gone where it should have when they injected it (after the 2nd epidural was placed, I found out that the anesthesiologist who placed it both times was actually a resident...I wasn't very happy about that). Feeling yucky, I didn't take the time to get ready, but headed in to the hospital with my Mom to deliver milk and spend some time with the babies.

We were so surprised to see that they were off the bili lights when we got there, and even more surprised that I had the okay to start nursing Ryder. He was a nursing champ, and they decided to get me a room so I could stay and nurse him round the clock. The room was tiny...just a very small bed and a chair and a small tv and a phone on a nightstand...there wasn't even an outlet where I could plug in my phone to charge. But, it served its purpose as a place to sleep and I spent most of my time in the babies' NICU room anyway. And, while it was nice to have a place to stay and sleep and be able to nurse Ryder around the clock, it has been the most difficult part of the NICU stay.

Each moment I feel torn between being a good mom to my newborn baby(ies) or being a good mom to my big kids. Each time I think about what I am missing out on at home...the last week of school, the good morning snuggles, falling asleep next to my amazing husband and kissing him goodbye in the morning, the family dinners, swimming in the afternoon, bedtime stories, hairdos and outfits to pick out...I just get teary because I so wanted to be there for all of that. But I am only one person, and I am the only person that can feed my babies, and while this has been the hardest time of my life being away from my cute family, we knew that by staying at the hospital with the babies around the clock they would be able to come home sooner and be better off in the long run.

THE NICU ROLLERCOASTER

I had no idea when we delivered the babies and they needed help breathing how hard this NICU stay would be. It has been filled with ups and downs and a lot of tears and frustration and hopefulness. I know that Heavenly Father has been watching over us through it all and that he has been mindful of my prayers, and I know we are blessed to only be here for a short time and to know that it is just a matter of how long we are here...not whether the babies will survive, but that hasn't made it easier.

On Monday, Lincoln switched from high flow oxygen to low flow oxgen and was able to start nursing. On Tuesday, they moved me to a bigger room with my own bathroom and shower and a bed that could sleep 2 and Ryder got to "room in" with me...kind of like playing house in preparation for discharge. I took care of all his needs, but the nurses still checked his stats and did assessments and tests and such. Once he was able to room in, we were just waiting for his bili levels to start going down, so he could be discharged. Also on Tuesday, they put Lincoln on a micro-flow oxygen and slowly weaned it until they took him off oxygen completely on Wednesday morning. It was so amazing to see both of my boys without any tubes stuck to their faces, and I was filled with hope that we coulld have our whole family back together again by the end of the week.

Thursday night, though, I had my least favorite NICU nurse. She was really negative and seemed to make a big deal over every little thing and petitioned to have Lincoln back on his oxygen after he had been off it all day. So, back on oxygen Lincoln went. It was such a heartbreaking setback that caused me lots of tears. Ryder's bili levels were still all over the place...up one day and down the next...and he needed to have some good weight gain, since he had lost weight a couple of the days, but Lincoln going back on oxygen meant that again we would have to wean him from the oxygen and wait to see how he did for at least 24 hours. Luckily, in the morning, the Dr. took him back off the oxygen and he did fantastically after that. They gave me the go ahead to have both boys room in with me with the anticipation that as long as they gained weight Friday and their bili levels didn't increase, we would be discharged in the morning. Unfortunately, Lincoln lost a few grams and Ryder's bili levels jumped up. The drs felt like they could discharge us, except that we wouldn't be able to follow up on the bili levels with our pediatrician until Tuesday because of Memorial Day weekend, so they decided to keep us one more day, just to check the bilis. Both boys gained weight Saturday and we were so hopeful that we would be able to go home this morning, but Ryder's bili went up again and he needed to be back on the lights. Again, our drs said they would be happy to send us home if we could get a bili bed to take with us, but that wouldn't be possible because of the holiday weekend. So Ryder couldn't be discharged. Lincoln, however, was discharged today...though it doesn't really feel like it since he still has to stay at the hospital with me and Ryder. It is nice to know that I could take him outside with me if I wanted though. :)

So here we are on day 11 of our NICU stay, and I am so ready to have our family back together again. All of the drs and nurses want to see us go home tomorrow and are testing Ryder in the morning and again in the afternoon so that hopefully we can be discharged before tomorrow night. If not, they will send us home on Tuesday with a bili bed if he still needs the phototherapy, so the end is in sight.

We would not have survived without my Mom coming to help. Thanks Mom, for getting everyone where they needed to be, feeding, clothing, bathing, loving and entertaining my family while I have been stuck in the hospital. Thanks to the friends and neighbors who have called, stopped by, brought dinners, watched kids, carpooled, and kept us in their prayers. Thanks to my in-laws who came this weekend for watching kids so Seth could come spend time with me in the hospital...I have been missing my hubby like crazy and his visits have been keeping me sane! Thanks to the 4 beautiful children of mine who have been so good about being carted all over the place, driving back and forth the 45 minutes to and from the hospital, having their schedules turned upside down, called me, and brought me notes, and snuggled with me, and have been so excited to see me every opportunity we have had...I am so very blessed to be their Mom. This experience has certainly been a trying one, but more than ever before, I am so grateful for my family. Grateful to be the one that they rely on to run our household and care for them and stick the cupboards with their favorite foods, and get them where they need to go, and love them like crazy. I think when I finally get to be home with them again, I will appreciate the work of motherhood so much more because my heart has been heavy as I haven't been able to do those things.

Finally, anyone out there who read this whole novel of a post, these twin boys are just absolutely a joy. They are so sweet and so darling and so hard to tell apart (yikes!). I promise a post about them with pictures as soon as my new hard drive is installed. I am absolutely smitten with them!

Delivery Day

2013-05-15T10:53:00.001-07:00

Well, today is the day! We are here in Labor and Delivery just waiting for a couple of babies to join us in our arms! I am feeling so blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord today. Last night I was able to sleep through the whole night only waking up twice for a potty break and I was able to go right back to sleep both times. This morning my alarm was set for 5:30 am, but at 5:20 Ellie's sweet little voice quietly said, "Hi Mom!" as she snuggled her blanket by her face and sucked her thumb waiting for me to boost her into my bed to cuddle. I got to spend 10 minutes just soaking in the her sweet little smile and cheerful morning attitude as we cuddled, mom and baby one last time before she gives up her place as baby of the family and becomes a big sister. This morning she was particularly enamoured with my belly and kept patting it saying, "Hi baby". She was liberal with her kisses and hugs as if she knew that today was an important day. Chloe knew too...she came running in my room as soon as she woke up to make sure she got extra hugs and kisses before I left for the hospital. She also sent me off with a lovely note that said Hugs and Kisses from Chloe in a cute little homemade envelope. I love that sweet girl!

We didn't get stuck in any traffic on the way down, which was awesome, and they got us right into our room (apparently Labor and Delivery floors are not as busy here in Tucson as they are in Salt Lake...they all asked me if I was Mrs. Tate when I arrived) which is "the best room" they have and has the most gorgeous top floor views of Tucson, the Catalina Foothills and the Catalina mountains. It is so gorgeous and green and there are palm trees everywhere. I love this place!

When we got here I was already dialated to a 2 and 60% effaced, which was unexpected since I am only 36 weeks, but very very exciting. They got me hooked up to pitocin about 9:30 am and immediately my body started contracting and now at 10:45 am, my contractions are every 2-3 minutes and getting stronger. They are coming in to give me the epidural and break my water soon, and we are well on our way to getting these little guys here!

As I have recounted the story of our journey through TTTS with our nurse as she has been reviewing my history, I am so grateful that we have made it here! I will keep updating as we go through the day!

Last Doctors Appointment

2013-05-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last ultrasound and Doctors appointment for this pregnancy. What a long road it has been to get here! The babies looked fantastic: each weighing in at 5 lbs. 12 oz. and both head down ready to be delivered! In case you didn't do that math, that means I am carrying 11 lbs 8 oz. of baby (+ a double sized placenta + 2 sacs of fluid...pretty much a whole bunch of stuff I am SUPER excited to evict from my body in just 5 days)! Still I am only up a total of 30 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, though it feels like so very much more each time take a step or catch my reflection in a window!

Before I left my doctor's office, I scheduled my post-partum visit, and things got so real. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick wall, that in less than a week I would be holding 2 baby boys...feeding them, changing their diapers, choosing their names, introducing them to their siblings, taking giant breaths of that sweet newborn baby smell as I kiss their little heads and snuggle them close. It hit me that I would be done with this chapter of my life forever. That my days of growing little life inside of me would be ending and never again would I feel the flutters and kicks and punches of a little one still growing in preparation for a life on Earth. It was bittersweet.

Sure, I am past the point of comfort: it hurts to stand, sit, lie down, walk, bend and lift. I literally had to slam on my breaks and turn on my emergency flashers in the middle of the WalMart parking lot the other day because my leg cramped so bad that I couldn't drive. I am lucky to get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night despite going to bed early and attempting to sleep in. I have to ration my trips up and down the stairs and often have to let stuff collect in piles at the tops and bottom of the stairs because I just can't bear the thought of going up or down the stairs one extra time. My feet decided to become so itchy I often would like to have them amputated and the simplest tasks like folding laundry and rinsing dishes in the sink seem so overwhelming that I need to sit down just thinking about doing them. And yet through all of that, I am so grateful to have experienced this...the rollercoaster of emotion and wondering if these little ones would make it here to our family safely, the worry about all of the unknowns, the millions of little prayers asking for miracles, the sweet discovery of two distinct personalities developing in my sweet boys, and the overwhelming confirmation daily that God exists, that he loves me and my family and that he is watching over us. I wouldn't wish to experience any of it again, but I also wouldn't trade it, and that is what I am left with each time I think about this pregnancy chapter coming to an end.

In the middle of the night last night, I was overcome with such a feeling of love and appreciation for each of my children: for their unique personalities and strengths, for the void they have filled in our family, and for the way they test me and stretch me and teach me to love. And I know that these little boys will fill another void we don't realize exists and that we will all be better because they are a part of our family. So, for 5 more days, I will relish the dynamic of our family of 6, anticipate the joy that will come to our family of 8, and count my blessings that I can look back at all of it, grateful for the good and the bad.

My computer hard drive decided to die, so I apologize for the lack of pictures and infrequency of posting on here. As soon as I have access to my own computer and photo organizing/editing software again, I promise to update with posts that don't blab on about pregnancy. To come: birthdays, Morgan's baptism, and the sweet little moments of our everyday life that I don't want to forget! :)

A lot to update!

2013-04-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well, once again it has been a crazy whirlwind since my last update on here, but I am happy to report that we have survived and these babies of ours are still cooking!

Here is the quick recap:
The last week of March my Mom and John were here and helped us move, get unpacked in our new house and celebrate CHLOE'S 6TH BIRTHDAY! That girl is so grown up. I owe her a birthday post ASAP. :) Her birthday celebrations included going out to dinner, swimming in our new (and much warmer) pool, store bought pink frosted cupcakes, going shopping for some new outfits and taking fruit by the foots to her school class. That is about the extent of the excitement when your family moves the day before your birthday.

The first week of April we celebrated Seth's birthday...again, pretty low key, but still fun because it involved swimming with the fam, dinner he didn't have to help with and poppyseed cake.

The rest of April has been spent rearranging furniture, hanging stuff on the walls, garage saling on Saturdays to find random furniture pieces, yard stuff and decorations, painting and assembling cribs, shopping for baby gear, hanging curtains, organizing cupboards, building stuff, installing fans and of course...lots and lots of swimming and lots of doctors appointments. We love our new house and are so glad to live here. We definitely miss the bus, and the stairs will probably send me into labor one of these days, but it is a wonderful house for us and the backyard is our little piece of heaven on earth!

I (unwisely) overestimated my ability to finish projects this late in the pregnancy and undertook the refinishing of our gigantic kitchen table. It has been a work in progress since the last week of March, and I am happy to report that only a few more coats of polyurethane are required and it will be complete! Bending over and getting motivated to do stuff after the kids are in bed are not my best skills right now, so even if it has taken a month, refinishing the table represents quite the accomplishment for a big 'ol pregnant lady!

Yesterday we celebrated MORGAN'S 8TH BIRTHDAY! How on earth did 8 years go by so quickly! My little baby boy is so big and grown up...I owe him a birthday post ASAP too. We celebrated with a daddy date to the demolition derby, a baptismal interview with the bishop (what? so old!), swimming, a chocolate cake with strawberry filling and strawberry buttercream frosting, and fruit by the foots for his class today. The festivities will continue with his Baptism on Saturday, which we are all very excited about! We are so sad that we won't have our family there to support him on his big day, but when we talked to him about waiting and having family there (or doing the baptism in Utah this summer) or doing it now and just having our little family and a few friends, he was just so excited to get baptised that he didn't want to wait. I am so proud of him for making this decision...and more than that, for understanding why he is making it and what it will mean in his life.

Finally, this week (Wednesday) marks 33 weeks. If you have been following our story, you will know that this is an outright miracle. I feel so blessed with how far we have come on this journey of twin pregnancy and TTTS. Now that I am more established with my new OB group, things are going so much better and I leave each appointment feeling on top of the world with how much progress the babies have made. At my last ultrasound about a week and a half ago, both babies had fantastic fluid levels (apparently enough for them to be flipping around in there still), each baby was 3 lbs. 12 oz. (around the 40th percentile), both babies were making the "breathing" motions, and Baby A's heart issue (muscular VSD) was still very small and looks like it will likely clear up on its own without any intervention needed after he is born. We scheduled my induction for 36 weeks on the button (22 days away!), and it looks like we will probably make it there. It is so amazing to see this miracle in our lives and we could not be more thrilled with how these little guys are doing! I am feeling rather large, but to be honest, I am probably only about the size I was in the last month of my singleton pregnancies. This is still my lowest weight gain pregnancy since I am only up 28lbs. total (and most of that is probably from all the birthday cake we have been eating around here - ha). I still have 3 weeks to go, though, so it will be interesting to see what those 3 weeks bring! I owe a big giant THANK YOU to the many friends who have taken my kids for hours each week while I have gone to Dr's appointments. I am sure Morgan's teacher is getting sick of all the "change in transportation plans" notes I have been sending in. I also owe a big THANK YOU to my amazing husband for working so hard, only to come home and find dinner unfinished, a wife putting her feet up and guzzling ice water to attempt to decrease the swelling from the day, kids who are in desperate need of some hands on parental play and a never-ending honey do list. It truly amazes me that he does all of this without complaint! So very blessed to be married to him!

Positive Progress!

2013-03-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

So, we are 2 and a half weeks post surgery and everything looks absolutely fantastic with the babies! They both have plenty of fluid, they are both filling and emptying their bladders consistently and even going through the movements to practice breathing. Best news of all, both babies are growing like crazy! At my ultrasound on Tuesday, which was 26 weeks and 7 days gestation, Baby A was measuring 2 lbs and Baby B, the little tanker, was measuring 2 lbs. 3 oz. Of course, there is a HUGE margin of error when estimating baby weights based on measurements in utero, but it is so comforting to think that not only are they growing well, they are thriving in there! That puts both of them around the 30th percentile for size, which is pretty impressive considering just 2 weeks prior they were both measuring below the 10th percentile.

This is all fantastic and we feel like it is such a miracle that these babies are alive and kicking! We are still not completely able to relax yet, though. Our surgeon told us when we had the surgery that 4 weeks post surgery, if everything is going well, that is a good indicator that everything will be fine, so we are holding our breath for about a week and a half more (which, consequently, is the day before our move).

Quite a few people have asked me how we have stayed so positive through all of this, and I attribute most of it to faith, a good portion to the outpouring of love on our family, and the rest to sunny weather and blue skies. That said...the next part of this post is about my pregnancy at this point and you will all see that I am indeed, a very flawed human, and not optimistic about everything. But, lest I forget all the details of this lovely pregnancy, I feel it necessary to record the other part of this story, so my little boys will be able to fully appreciate their mama and all she endured to get them here.

As far as I am concerned, this pregnancy thing is killing me. I had to switch doctors after the surgery to make sure we would be able to deliver at the hospital with the best NICU possible for these little ones (and to avoid the possibility of one getting transferred to the better NICU and one staying at the closer hospital because I am sure the back and forth would be more than I could handle). The new Dr. may or may not be great...I don't know because I haven't met her...and may not get the chance to meet her until delivery. She is the head of the high risk specialty clinic at the hospital, and the way the whole thing is set up is not awesome at all. Because I am high risk, I can't actually schedule with my Dr., but have to set up my appointments on the "high risk clinic" day. This leaves me with no flexibility whatsoever as the appointments are only Thursday afternoons. Then, I see a different person every time...one of which could be my Dr, but that hasn't happened yet. The Dr. who has come in at the end of each of my appointments (because it is a teaching hopsital and they have the residents and fellows do the main appointment part and then the specialist comes in to make sure everything is good and answer questions) has consistently been the same, but he drives me kind of crazy, bless his heart. He is very laid back in his approach, and has given me instructions that directly contradict the orders from my surgeon, more than once. In addition to all of this, the new clinic is a full 45 minutes away from my house, and I have not yet waited less than an hour to be seen, despite having scheduled appointments. I am hopeful that this will get better, and that maybe it is just a matter of getting care transferred and getting them up to speed on where I am, but I am not holding my breath. I am not sure why, of all the trials and unexpected changes that have come into our lives recently, this clinic is the thing that is causing me the most stress and frustration, but it is and I am so glad that in 9 weeks, I will be done with this pregnancy and able to go back to my other wonderful OB (and never be pregnant ever again)!

At my appointment on Thursday, I was measuring 37 weeks pregnant...I was 27 weeks 1 day. Yes, that means I am as uncomfortable as normal people are when they are in those final few weeks of pregnancy. Everything hurts, I always have to pee, and EVERYBODY stops me to ask when I am due. Don't people know that when you look really uncomfortable you don't want to be asked that question? Today we went grocery shopping - a family costco trip where all I had to do was hold Chloe's hand and tell Seth what to put in the cart and a quick solo run to walmart for a couple of things. About halfway through Wal Mart, I discovered why all my twin mama friends told me they had to use those power-wheelchair-grocery-cart things toward the end of their pregnancies. I was waddling like a duck, breathing heavily and having contractions like crazy. I almost just abandoned my cart, went home and sent Seth back for the groceries, but being the strong willed stubborn woman I am, I pushed on, literally, trying to support my extra weight with the shopping cart, until I found those darn gold wrapped rolos for the leprechauns to leave at the end of the rainbow scavenger hunt tonight.

Then there is the heartburn. I am no stranger to heartburn during pregnancy, but this time around, it is like I swallowed a fire breathing dragon and everything I eat or drink, including water, makes him raging mad. Did you know that with twin pregnancies you have to take the horrible gestational diabetes test twice? The first time was much less horrible than I remember, but I had to take the second one this week and it was much more horrible than I remember. I had a complete and total sugar crash after the test and was so thankful that Chloe was being cooperative and took care of Ellie all afternoon while I slept on the couch like a dead body. Then, the lasting effects of the sugar high and crash lingered for 3 days making me feel woozy, sleepy, thirsty, hungry and swollen constantly. I passed the test (according to my Dr. - of course he is laid back and even though I was right on the borderline decided not to have me take the 3 hour test - this is the first time I have been thankful for his lackadaisical approach), but I am trying to make sure I get a balance of protein and carbs so it doesn't get any worse. The back pain, and round ligament pain, and sciatic nerve pain, and ribcage pain, and lower belly pain are all...well, painful, so I am so excited that it is fast approaching swimming weather since floating in a pool is really the only way to find relief from any of it.

Ellie is still not thrilled that I don't pick her up anymore, and at least once a day, I end up sitting on the floor cradling her in my arms because she is having a meltdown because mom wouldn't hold her. She is 90% cooperative when it comes to getting herself in and out of the high chair, crib and car seat, but every so often she pitches a fit and I have to break the rules and lift her. It is funny to me, because, while she is a snuggler, she has always been pretty independent and I have never been the type of mom to hold my babies all the time. I figured we would be fine because we do most of the snuggling in a chair or on the couch reading books, but I was surprised by how often I used to pick her up to give her loves or help her get where she needed to be. It will be so nice to be able to lift her again because I sure miss twirling her around and getting slobbery kisses from her!

The other kids are trying their hardest to be helpful, but are definitely taking advantage of the fact that mom can't really enforce much as far as chores go. We have been watching waaaaay too many episodes of My Little Pony and playing waay too many computer games lately, but we are surviving! They all think it is hilarious that my belly button sticks out and constantly want to lift my shirt so they can see it...and show it to other people...not my favorite thing they do. Brynn is in love with Baby B and has a very special bond with him because her name starts with B and he is baby B. The other day she was laying on my tummy on my left side where Baby B is, and she said, "Mom, you should only chew on this side of your mouth so baby B will get enough food." She has decided on names for both babies and not only 2 names, but which name goes to which baby. The names just might stick because the rest of us (mostly Seth) are being indecisive. Morgan is so aware of what is going on, and likes to wiggle my belly to play with the babies and get them to kick so he can feel it. Chloe likes to feel them kick too, but she is the one who talks to my belly the most...in fact, every morning before she gets on the bus, she gives both babies kisses and tells them goodbye. Even Ellie has started to identify my belly with the question, "Where are the babies?" The sibling bond is a pretty amazing thing!

Yes friends, twin pregnancy is a beast! I do not wish it on anyone...it is in no way, shape or form a 2 for 1 deal...on the contrary it is at least double the horribleness of a singleton pregnancy and quadruple the Drs appointments and stressful complications. I am very glad that this is our last pregnancy, though, because if it had been our first pregnancy, I still think it would have been our last.:)

Post Surgery Update

2013-03-04T12:57:00.002-08:00

We went in for the surgery right after I posted my last post and everything went so well!

The surgery itself was quite different from what I expected...probably because my expectations were a little unrealistic. Having never had surgery before, this was quite the experience for me. I felt pretty calm and put together, though I was missing Seth as soon as he was directed to the waiting room and I was wheeled into the operating room. Then they strapped me to the table (not my favorite thing) before I got myself in a comfortable enough position to stay in for the next hour and a half (probably because such a position does not exist when you are 25 weeks pregnant with twins). Then they started me on my "cocktail" of meds to keep me calm and somewhat sedated. Drugs + me = not good. I immediately started to feel dizzy and not all there. I kept asking them, "I am really dizzy, is this normal?" and "Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden, I am not supposed to feel sleepy am I?" And because I was so very out of it thanks to the meds, I didn't get to reposition myself before they started the surgery, which I regretted as soon as I realized they were inserting the scope and I was required to be completely still. Immediately I was feeling lots of pressure which was pretty painful. Again, I was asking, is it normal to be in pain? And they were all looking at me like, uh, lady, there is a scope inside your amniotic sac...pain and pressure are to be expected. (I sound like such a whimp here. I typically have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I was expecting to be numbed for all of this pain - so virtually feel nothing - so I think I was just taken back by feeling pain). Then the nausea started up and they had to give me something for nausea to prevent me from throwing up mid-surgery. It is probably a good thing I have never been inclined to drink or take drugs because I really hate the feeling of not being in control of my body! In the recovery room, as I was telling my nurse about all of this, she said, "You don't drink much, do you?" Ha...nope I don't! Anyway, back to the surgery, it was incredible to see those little babies on the screen. Baby A was trying to help Dr. Chmait as he was lasering vessels and just about got himself a little tattoo. I saw Baby B through the membrane he was all seran wrapped in, but obviously didn't get a very close look at him. Baby A was excited to show off his boy parts for the camera and everyone was so amused by that that they actually included a "pee pee" shot as one of the ones they printed for us...the kids have been having fun giggling about it since we got home. I wish the images they printed for us could capture exactly how amazing it was to see my little unborn babies swimming around in the womb! So incredible!

this is Baby A's fist. You can see him putting it up to his face on the right in the ultrasound view

and the left image is what we saw through the scope.

This is Baby A touching his face (I think it is his face anyway). Amazing how you can see

the little wrinkles in his thumb and even what looks like a thumbnail.

And the famed "pee pee" shot. Little buddy, it is your own fault for hanging out in front of the camera with your boy parts for so long! If you can look past the boy parts, though, you can see his little legs and tummy. Such a teeny little thing! Fatten up, would ya!?

After surgery, Dr. Chmait reassured me that it went well and he felt like he had been able to get all of the connecting vessels so we had successfully cured the Twin to Twin Transfusion. He also told me that he found that the babies were unequally sharing the placenta. Baby A is using about 75% of the placenta and Baby B only about 25%. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done about that, but now that they are each getting the full share of the placenta portion they have, they will at least be able to grow safely at their own pace independent of each other. This does put B at a disadvantage since he is already so small and has so little of the placenta, but after doing some research, this is very common with identical twins and there is a good chance they will be just fine. They showed me the fluid that they removed from Baby A's sack and it was about a liter and a half...crazy! I definitely do feel lighter though!

Then they wheeled me into recovery and Seth was able to join me! Dr. Chmait's incredible nurse, Arlene, who had been taking care of us every step of the way and had been in the OR with me, also came and joined us in recovery to talk to us about the procedure, how it went, and make sure I recovered well before they turned us over to the hospital. I was having contractions all over the place and they were pretty painful, so they gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions. After a bit, I couldn't feel the contractions anymore because they had subsided enough, so I was able to have some ice water WOO HOO! and get wheeled to my room where "lunch" was waiting for me. It was cold beef stew and carrots, but I seriously didn't even care because I was so starving!

The hospital food was kind of interesting...chicken fajitas for dinner, beef stew for lunch...just not your typical healthy hospital food spread. They were so kind, though, and brought in a bed and meals for Seth too. :) Dr. Chmait came in to check on me a few times before he left for the day and I was able to get off my catheder and IV pretty quickly. Another big WOO HOO! He prescribed an ambien to help me sleep, but I wasn't sure I needed it and the nurse didn't even get a chance to offer it to me because I was fast asleep when she came in. I slept pretty well, other than a tender belly from the surgery and two babies kicking me from the inside, but honestly, that was so reassuring that it just made me happy!

In the morning Dr. Chmait came in to check on us and talk through the schedule for the day and when he found out we were driving back home as soon as we were discharged decided to have our ultrasound first (we were supposed to be second). They did the ultrasound of my cervix first and found that it held up well and was as long if not longer than before the surgery which was great news. Then the regular ultrasound showed 2 heartbeats...and 2 full bladders! It was such happy news. Everything looked great and we had hit the 2nd milestone of 2 heartbeats, so they talked in detail about what bedrest would look like for me and let us get discharged from the hospital and we were back on the road. We got home right as the kids were tucked into bed and got to give the older ones a kiss and a hug, and then we got to sleep in our own bed! It was amazing how well I slept in my own bed!

My discharge orders were bed rest for a week - no lifting, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no packing, no lifting boxes, spending most of my time sitting or lying down and getting lots of rest. Then we will be on "minimal-light activity restriction" for the rest of the pregnancy with strict orders to sit with my feet up for at least 2 hours, twice a day. Bed rest is not easy for me, particularly when I feel pretty good, and Ellie isn't sure why I haven't picked her up in days, but we will get through it and I am blessed that I am still able to get around and take kids to the bus stop and drive myself to Drs appointments.

The reason for the bedrest in my case is not as much for the risk of preterm labor since my cervix is so long, but because the surgery creates a hole in the amniotic sac, and unlike our skin, the amniotic sac has no way to repair that hole. So, the only reason fluid isn't leaking out is that the hole is pushed up tight against the uterine wall. Straining to lift, or move in a weird way or even to go to the bathroom (TMI?) could cause the uterus to change shape and allow the amniotic sac to leak and/or burst. Every time I cough or feel a little nauseous, I kind of freak out that I might burst the sac...so scary. We are hoping that I can take it as easy as possible until we hit 28 weeks (I wonder if I can make it that long without vacuuming, but that is the goal...28 weeks is only 2 weeks from Wednesday), and then our next mini-goal is 30 weeks and then 32 weeks (April 17), and then of course, I will continue to take it easy, but if we make it to 34 weeks (May 1), I will just count it as a HUGE miracle that we made it that far and will feel complete peace with them coming at any point after that. (I know that sounds super early still, but considering all of the factors it would truly be a miracle!)

This is such a different experience than I have ever had or than I expected with these babies. I have never for a minute worried that my babies would be small, but that is a significant concern this time around. I have never worried that I was going to have babies come early and spend time in the NICU, but at this point, I am just planning for that to be the case and hoping I will be pleasantly surprised and they won't have a long NICU stay. I have never worried about the lower weight limit on an infant carrier before or not being able to get the nursery ready. When I was pregnant with Brynn I was putting siding on the garage at 7 months pregnant, for heavens sake!

I am learning, yet again, to submit to the will of my Heavenly Father and just let Him be in charge and have faith in his plan. We have felt the love and peace of our Heavenly Father so distinctly in the last few weeks and the love of friends and family and neighbors! So many of our faraway friends and family have expressed their concern and desire to be able to be close enough to help, but I want to assure you all, that we are being watched over and taken care of! We were so sad to say goodbye to Sarah and Michael last night after they made dinner, mopped floors and took care of kids all week (not to mention providing lots of fun entertainment for the kiddos) and so appreciated their help. We have dinners coming all week this week and offers for dinners for the next few weeks from the amazing people in our ward. There is a list of people coming to help us pack boxes and people willing to take the kids at a moments notice for appointments, emergencies or when I need a break. Our dear neighbors across the street dropped off a freezable meal last night so we would have dinner whenever we need it most. We have been the recipients of so many prayers and calls and texts and emails. We have family scheduling trips to come out and help us. It is just such an amazing - and even overwhelming - feeling to have so much love showered out on our little family. I feel like I am watching a hundred miracles unfold before my eyes each day and have never been quite so aware of all the little blessings that are bestowed upon us each day. As we look around and see many people we love facing much more difficult circumstances than ours, we feel truly blessed that this small trial is ours to endure and are grateful for the opportunity to exercise our faith.

Finally, because of all the risks associated with the surgery and the additional risks we found as we prepared for the surgery, we made the decision with heavy hearts to transfer our care to a new OB at a high risk practice who could deliver at a (further away) hospital with a higher level NICU. I have not met the new OB yet, but have heard wonderful things about her and am so confident in her abilities. It was a hard decision to switch because my OB and MFM have taken such amazing care of us through all of this, and I credit much of our babies' well being to their diligent watch and care, but both of them recommended the switch in the best interest of the twins. That is truly the sign of a caring and wonderful doctor. Because of the transfer of care, the new OB wanted to check in on the babies as quickly as possible since my first appointment with her is not until Thursday of this week, so I was able to go in for a spot check ultrasound on Friday in Labor and Delivery and they found that both boys are still doing well, have great heartbeats and full bladders, and the dividing membrane was visible because little Mr. B finally had some fluid! No more seran wrap going on! HOORAY! So now we just continue to take it easy, get lots of protein, lots of water and lots of rest, and hope that the next few weeks will continue to show progress in the right direction!