Woo University

Nobody's Perfect

2013-08-21T17:59:00.001-04:00

Three strikes and you're out. That's the way it has been, that's the way it should be. Justice must be tempered and directly correlated with players fantasy stats. Now I hate the Patriots as much as any other American but fair is fair. There are two instances where Hernandez allegedly possibly probably most likely committed homicide. Three you say? No, I submit to you only two. Granted there are three dead bodies involved. But there are really only two incidents. The drive by in Boston is kind of a two-fer. Now, even though he is my tight end and good ones are hard to find, I'm not saying that Aaron should get off scott free. Some punishment is clearly in order if he is found guilty of these charges. I suggest a stern warning and possibly community service in the off season. But he better not do it again.

Olympus is Stupid

2013-08-18T15:03:00.003-04:00

If you were expecting Cloud Atlas, Tree of Life or any other worthwhile snoozers newly released on DVD you done come to the wrong place. Boys and Girls, today's film is Olympus Has Fallen, rated R (for Retarded). You know that when this treacly piece of faux patriotism gets an R rating without so much as a side boob and the highly anticipated World War Z gets a PG that there must some great disturbance in the force.

The Plot:

Our Hero Secret Service agent Gerard Butler punches the President in the nose (in a manly boxing sporting kind of way) but fails to save the first lady from a wildly improbable auto accident and so gets reassigned to Treasury where he sits at a desk looking all depressed.

The South Korean president comes to visit, a vintage WWII prop cargo plane invades DC airspace, shoots down a couple of jets and takes out the Washington Monument (cool graphics but we're boarding the short bus now), suicide bombers blow a hole in the white house fence and a strike team of suicidal terrorists aided by a couple of heavily armed garbage trucks take over the white house and slaughter about 16000 Secret Service agents. The President flees to the underground bunker with the South Korean President and his security team who are (surprise!) composed of North Korean infiltrators (even the hot chick and the evil looking long haired Asian guy). The Evil Genius tortures the Prez and his staff for the codes to the MCGuffin Machine which will (oh noes!) destroy Merica. Gerard, who survives the initial assault, does a bunch of increasingly tedious Die Hard bullshit and Ta Da! saves the day.

What was stupid:

1. They scramble One (count em) one jet from Andrews to take out the rougue plane after it shoots down a couple of jets.

2. Gerard can outrun bullets (and punch the President)

3. All the guys on the Bad Guys Team are fanatically suicidal but if you stab them with a letter opener they will give up the whole plan

4. The President decides to take the South Koreans with him to the command bunker.

5.Gerard can outrun more bullets

6.When he is taken hostage the President orders the Joint chiefs not to negotiate with the terrorists and the first thing acting President Morgan Freeman does is negotiate with the terrorists

7. Gerard can outrun still more bullets

8. The McGuffin - code named Cerberus. A machine designed to take out a mistakenly launched ICBM. To activate the machine the President, Secretary of State and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs all have to enter a separate code that they have committed to memory before the missile reaches its target. What's that give them - 30 minutes? "Can it wait? I'm in the tub. OK, lemme see. I think it starts with a J." Now you would think the purpose of Cerberus would be to destroy the missile without setting off the nuclear warhead. Well no, we didn't buy that option. Sequester, you know. Otherwise we couldn't have the two seconds to doomsday hero -saves- the- day- stupid -shit -ending.

9. Ending? I think not. We all get medals. Like the ending of Star Wars without robots. America! Fuck Yeah!

What wasn't stupid:

Bye Bye Bene

2013-02-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

Don't let the door hit you in the surplice on the way out. Does Joe get to keep the clothes? They... Are... Fabulous. So Papa Bene's leaving, now what? Having been pulled back in to the periphery of the Church by an accident of birth, marriage and the search for good schools, I have a vested interest in who will be chosen for the next pope. Since ex-Nazis are in increasingly short supply, it seems to come down to an Ghanaian Islamophobe, a Vaginaphobe Irish-American, or one of any number of Eyetalians. Seems all the potential John XXIII's have died off or been booted to the back of the bus.

So good luck to Papa in his new lifestyle choice. A cloistered retirement with his good buddy Mons. Gaenswein. May he untwist his theology enough to find himself as a human being.

When the Breaks are Beating the Boys

2013-01-08T07:07:00.000-05:00

I've got to go, Rock. It's all right. I'm not afraid. Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys, ask them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock. But I'll know about it, and I'll be... oh never mind.

He's Gonna Wonk All Over You

2012-08-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

and then I said wrecked him? - it damn near killed him

I was going to write a well reasoned post about how the implementation of the Ryan budget would shred the emergent middle class and destroy the past 60 years of increased opportunity for the working poor but I think I'll just make fun of Ryan's sport jacket. You would think that a guy whose wife inherited 5 million bucks would be able to buy his own jacket instead of borrowing Big Daddy's. Probably too busy wonking to go shopping.

Paul Davis Ryan - what are you doing in there? Are you wonking again? You come out here this instant!
Aw, Ma
And just where is my copy of Fountainhead, young man?

I'm Manlier Than Don Draper

2012-07-13T12:27:00.000-04:00

Everybody oohing and aahing over Dapper Don Draper fixing the kitchen faucet during the dinner party. Somehow this is the mark of a real man. A man among men. A manly man's man. If amateur plumbing and car repair was the mark of a real man I would have balls the size of cantelopes. And I don't. So I have to call bullshit. I know the purpose of the scene was to show Don getting those vaginal sprinklers going as the women stood back admiring his man handling of that balky plumbing. But c'mon, what's he fix it with? A fork? Where's his bucket of tools? A real man has a bucket of tools. Maybe two. I know I do. Then he explains that the supply valve was turned all the way on and the faucet couldn't handle it. Double bullshit. (And I'm wrong but a manly man looks this shit up, admits he's wrong but doesn't correct it because that's for wimps)

A real man knows two things about plumbing:

1 - you can't have too many tools

and 2 - Yay for plastic

The World's Worst Catholic™ Backs the Nuns

2012-06-15T18:17:00.000-04:00

That's all they need. It's a close call. I could go either way. Sister Mary Joseph scared the shit out of me (literally) in first grade and that other one tore up my copy of Mad magazine in Catechism class. Apparently Mad magazine was the Devil's work. Who knew? And she was one of the nice ones. But nothing pisses off the Pope more than Catholics who act like Christians and since this particular one spent some of his formative years trying to shoot down my dad, I'm gonna have to side with today's modern a-go-go sisters. Although Papa Bene may have a point. Feeding the poor and healing the sick ain't gonna put starch in those robes and a point on that hat. What are we - Mennonites? Much better to cosey up to these clowns. Vatican II - who needs it? Let's save the excommunicating for nuns who save women's lives.

Mitt Romney - He's Not Helping

2012-06-06T17:03:00.003-04:00

I mean he was like this big

“I met a guy yesterday who is 7 feet tall, tall, handsome, great big guy, 7 feet tall, name is Rick Miller, Portland, Oregon,” Romney began the newest story. “He started a business, of course, you know it was in basketball, but it wasn’t in basketball, I mean I figured he had to be in sport, but he wasn’t in sport, his business is caring for seniors, senior centers and nursing homes and other types of care facilities.”

Mitt continues to connect with his audience -"I meet another guy who was 500 lbs, fat as a walrus. He started a business, of course, you knew it had to be a bakery, but it wasn't a bakery. I mean I figured he had to be in foods, but he wasn't in foods, his business was as a personal trainer."

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

2012-05-31T12:21:00.001-04:00

Civil War History and Zombies. Two of my favorite topics blended together in a puree of fine film making. Brought to you by Asylum Films, producers of Two Headed Shark Attack, Nazis at the Center of the Earth and the soon to be released American Battleship. Asylum proudly proclaims - 150 Films in 15 Years! - which should give you an idea of the quality involved. American Battleship and Abe Lincoln vs Zombies preempts this summer's blockbuster Abe Lincoln, Vampire Slayer and Battleship. Asylum hopes you'll get confused. I get confused. They get me every time. The wife wonders why I waste my time on such crap. Because it's there - that's why.

Fun historical fact. Lincoln actually arranged his own assassination after being bitten by his hooker zombie girlfriend who he kept chained to a barn wall while searching for a cure. I was hoping they would flesh out that relationship a little more. This film has everything - Abe Lincoln with a sling blade, Sec of War Seward, John Wilkes Booth disguised as a Secret Service agent, Teddy Roosevelt as a boy (I swear), Pat Garrett, Stonewall Jackson wearing a beard so fake you can make out the ear loops, 2 busty hookers and a black guy who doesn't get killed. I know. I didn't see that coming. Two stumps up.

The More Things Change...

2012-05-18T19:28:00.000-04:00

Twat or Lollypop?

Nice to know porn has been with us since the dawn of time. And will be with us until the sun super-novas. There is some controversy as to whether the carving does indeed represent a vulva since the scientists who made the discovery have never actually seen one (full disclosure - stolen joke from comments in referenced link). Me - I'm going with a dandelion. Unless the guy carved it one handed. Then maybe I can see it.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

2012-04-21T12:26:00.000-04:00

“Could they have planted bugs, disabled weapons,” or in other ways “jeopardized security of the president or our country?

Sen. Susan Collins (R-Ino)

It is more than likely those ladies did plant some bugs but a little Quell should clear that up. If they happen to be resistant critters we may well have a national security breech and it's a good thing we have Rep King (R-Pantswetter) and Rep Issa (R-Douche) slavering to get to the bottom of it. I fear Senator Collins is right and somewhere in the melee a weapon (or several) may well have been compromised and probably discharged.

No doubt the House Committee on Investiging Stupid Shit will find that Obama bears full responsiblility for this incident. After all, if he hadn't gone to Columbia none of this would have happened. You can't really blame the advance team, they were just letting off a little steam. Probably per the President's orders. C'mon, we've all had those "Oh shit" moments the next day. You have a little too much to drink, go back to the hotel and order the combo - thinking that you're getting a pie and a liter of Coke and you end up with two hookers and an half ounce of cocaine. It's not like you can cancel the order. That would be rude.

Two of those busted were Marine dog handlers and you have to wonder if the dogs were at the party and, if they were, in what capacity? Drug sniffing? Bomb sniffing? Crotch sniffing? Say goodbye to your rank and your German shepherds boys. It's poodles for the rest of your tour. Little poofy white ones.

Wait a Second

2012-04-05T20:22:00.001-04:00

62% of Men and 37% of Women Over the Age of 65 Are Sexually Active, Spanish Study Shows

That means half the guys are screwing someone else's old lady or half of them are screwing each other. And Spain has gay marriage. I don't think I need to draw you a picture. Rick Santorum warned us this would happen.

Death Prefers Onion Rings

2012-03-23T12:37:00.000-04:00

A group of us gathered around the nurses station. Of course, I was the spokesman for the group. We insisted on talking to Death. The doctor warned us that this would be a bad idea, Death doesn't like to be disturbed. We pushed past the desk and starting running up the stairs. Death walked out on the landing. Somebody cried, "There she is!". Oh yeah, Death is not a skeletal figure in a cloak with a scythe. Death is a seven foot dark haired woman, pale gray skin, hollow eyes, veiled in gray with a tall black headress. Looked kind of like Queen Amidala in Star Wars. (For the record I'm a Trekkie, not a Star Tard so erotic wish fulfillment is not the mechanism here. I hope). We invited Death to lunch because we had a lot of questions. We were sitting at a table in the hospital cafeteria. Death had taken off her gear and was kind of a pudgy, short woman with short hair. I asked Death why she took my little girl. A doctor stopped by and corrected me - Death doesn't take people - she works in this hospital to ease the transition for those who don't know they are dead.

I told Death I know she didn't do the killing but I wanted to know who took my little girl. Death smiled at me, told me she didn't like the fries and if I brought her some some onion rings she would tell me. I had something to do so I told Death I'd bring her back some onion rings later. And I woke up with a raging headache.

Brought to you by revelation or double vaccination. Take your pick.

I'm Too Sexy for my Shirt

2012-03-02T18:05:00.001-05:00

And all across America women's thighs are slamming shut and grown men are going forever limp at the thought of skeezy old Rushbo whacking off to listener donated sex tapes. Enough to turn the entire nation celibate. Maybe he ought to make a tape and donate it to high school sex ed classes. It would be the Signal 30 of abstinence only education. Of course, if you have gobs of money, a repellent personality and big ole man titties the only way you can have any kind of sexual contact is on a cash and carry basis. I'll bet even his hand finds him repulsive. Busted coming back from the Dominican Republic with a bootleg bottle of Viagra. Who's the slut now, Rush?

Santorumarama Take Two

2012-02-22T20:17:00.001-05:00

Ouch. Must be drug resistant.

Santorumarama

2012-02-21T18:01:00.003-05:00

I swear, it was this long

"I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts."

- Rick Santorum

Maybe a little lube would help.

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Me Yaz

2012-02-07T17:35:00.004-05:00

"Therefore, I am asking that you prayerfully and respectfully make know your objection to this intolerable ruling and insist that your rights of conscience as a Catholic citizen be restored."

- Bishop McFadden (trying to energize the flock into supporting his attempt to deny contraception to church affiliated employees for their own good)

"... a direct shot to religious freedom."

- From Dr. Mark Totaro, CEO of Catholic Charities courtesy of the Catholic Witness who goes on to point out that 70 per cent of his employees are not Catholic, thereby proving the government's point. .

“This same administration said that the churches and the institutions they run, such as schools and let’s say adoption agencies, hospitals, that they have to provide for their employees free of charge, contraceptives, morning after pills, in other words abortive pills, and the like at no cost."

- Mitt "Desperately Seeking CEO" Romney, never one to let facts stand in his way - shows his concern.

So the Bishops, never having gotten over the fact that they have been marginalized as political players by the fact that at least half of American Catholics pay little or no attention to what they say, want to prevent employees of Catholic institutions including colleges and hospitals from free access to birth control as required under the Affordable Care Act. Nobody is being forced to use birth control so the only freedom in danger is apparently the Bishop's freedom to prohibit their employees equal protection under the law. Most employees of Catholic Hospitals are not Catholic and even if they were Church doctrine does not supercede American law. Bishops don't write the law. Thank God. Some of us are old enough to remember the fight over legalizing contraception in Connecticut. The Bishops were on the wrong side of that one. You would think that an organization so fanatically anti-abortion would welcome universal access to contraception. But that would make sense. And it's not about sense, it's about power. Sorry Bishops, those sheep have left the barn. Most American Catholics practice contraception and will continue to do so. That's the trouble with empowering women. They get all uppity and think that they have a choice as to what they do with their bodies.

I hear pundits decrying this as a mis-step by the Obama administration. Please. The Catholic vote is split. There is no longer a Catholic voting block. That was proved in the last election. Particularly around here where the Bishop of Scranton more or less came out and said it was a sin to vote for Obama. Obama smoked McCain, right in the Bishop's own back yard. Those who see this as an assault on religion were not going to vote for Obama anyway. Those who think this is a matter of fairness in woman's health are more likely to vote for him.

Stupid Europe

2012-02-01T18:47:00.000-05:00

We're gonna get us some Euro-peens

"Europe is not working in Europe. The last thing we need is for America to become more like Europe."
-Mitt Romney spewing pre-digested red meat to the tards

Wolverines! Who needs that universal healthcare, paid maternity leave, mandatory paid vacations and retiring while you can still walk? Not us. That would be like living in a Socialist nightmare.

Look, I Wasn't Even There

2012-01-24T17:59:00.001-05:00

One's a slimy scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one's an amphibian

David "Not Tim" Gregory - Why you be lobbyin', Newt?

Oh, David, David, David. You poor simple boy. I already explained that I was hired by Fannie Mae as an historian, not a lobbyist. I know 1.6 million dollars may seem like a lot of money for a monograph titled Small Farm Forclosure Rates in the Oklahoma Territories During the Grant Administration but, to be fair, I did spend three years on it. And the request came in an unmarked envelope stuffed with 100 dollar bills so I never really knew until recently exactly who had hired me.

John "Slowpitch" King - blah, blah, blah, second wife.....blah blah blah....open marriage....would you care to respond?

I am outraged that you would lead off a presidential debate by telling everyone what a scumbag I am. I'll have you know these scurrilous attacks are nothing more than the liberally biased media's attack on the one Republican who can bring down that Socialist ~~nig~~...thug occupying the White House. These charges are patently untrue and as for the ones that aren't I've sought forgiveness from my Lord and Savior and I am a totally different person from that other person who didn't really do those things anyway. Ask my wife for permission to fuck around on her? That would be wrong.

Pretty sad when Rachael Maddow's the only one in the press core with a sack.

Back of the Class

2012-01-20T07:09:00.000-05:00

News Flash - we already done lost that war. At least those of us in the Special Ed economic class. Which is, oh, about 95% per cent of us. The advanced placement kids have all the luck. Most of them have cars that their Daddy's bought. Of course at least half of us deserve it, being too stupid to vote in our own self interest. Easily swayed by the politics of fear; some Mexican is going to take my shitty job, Muslims are coming, strange ones with funny hats, the Dems are going to take that little bowl of trickle down I got and give it to some Food Stamper. Politics of envy. Bullshit. How about politics of anger instead? Historically low tax rates for the wealthiest among us while Tea Partiers on Social Security and pimpled Libertarians living in Mom's basement continue to vote in a Congress whose only goal is to shred the social safety net and do away with it altogether. We aren't all going to be able to crowd into that 1%, no matter what we do or how hard we try.

That's the Republican playbook - get you so scared that you are going to lose what you already have, say Social Security and Medicare, that you will vote for people who plan to take it away anyway.

Worse Jobs Than Mine

2012-01-16T19:00:00.001-05:00

Had a bad week. The free (kinda) market system has been cruel to me. One second place after another (and no, second doesn't pay in my line of work). So when I'm feeling like a big fat loser I like to think about how some people have it worse.

Headlice picker

Iranian Nuclear scientist

Mitt Romney's dog.

Michael Jackson's doctor

Suicide bomber

Newt Gingrich's wife

My wife

Head of the SDS chapter at Liberty University

Chicken sexer

Paleontologist at the Creation Museum

Speech therapist at Gallaudet

Human Resources director at Bain Capital

Foot reflexologist at the Home for Crippled Children

David Barton's research assistant

Bob Barker's veterinarian

Caterer for the PETA annual banquet

Uday Hussein’s body double

Rick Perry’s debate coach

A Royal Bain in the Ass

2012-01-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Campaign tip for the Mitster - spend some of that 200 million you got stashed on braces for those kids of yours. It looked like you were surrounded by a family of beavers. On to the speech (translated for your edification):

Today, we are faced with the disappointing record of a failed President. The last three years have held a lot of change, but they haven’t offered much hope.
Forget the 8 years before that.

And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, “It could be worse.”
It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse?
Elect me and you'll understand

President Obama wants to put free enterprise on trial. In the last few days, we have seen some desperate Republicans join forces with him. This is such a mistake for our Party and for our nation. This country already has a leader who divides us with the bitter politics of envy. We must offer an alternative vision. I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success. In these difficult times, we cannot abandon the core values that define us as unique -- We are One Nation, Under God.
Don't hate me because I had a rich daddy. You wish you had one too. Oh, and Yay Jesus

Make no mistake, in this campaign, I will offer the American ideals of economic freedom a clear and unapologetic defense.
Fire at will

President Obama wants to “fundamentally transform” America. We want to restore America to the founding principles that made this country great.
Kiss your Social Security and Medicare goodbye

He wants to turn America into a European-style entitlement society. We want to ensure that we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity.
Kiss your Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid goodbye

This President takes his inspiration from the capitals of Europe; we look to the cities and small towns of America.
Kiss your Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and unemployment benefits goodbye. If I don't need them you don't either.

Internationally, President Obama has adopted an appeasement strategy. He believes America’s role as leader in the world is a thing of the past. I believe a strong America must – and will – lead the future.
He apologized to Bin Laden before he had him shot in the face

He doesn’t see the need for overwhelming American military superiority. I will insist on a military so powerful no one would think of challenging it.
Those Viet Cong are gone, aren't they?

He chastises friends like Israel; I’ll stand with our friends.
The rich ones, anyway

He apologizes for America; I will never apologize for the greatest nation in the history of the Earth.
Nor will I apologize for being such a dick

God Hates Indians

2012-01-05T20:31:00.002-05:00

There, I said it. Otherwise why would he kill them all off so we Americans could have a country where we can live free and bring our slaves with us? Now God wants Rick Santorum to be President. A few months ago it was Michelle Bachmann but she was too rabid-rat crazy even for God. Then Herman Caine until God tried the pizza. Then Rick Perry who threw a nice party for God and was tall, Texan and nicely coiffed. Just like God likes 'em. But God forgot to hook up the mouth/brain circuit on Texas Rick so he moved on to Newt, who pissed off God by claiming to be the smartest being in the universe. Now Rick Santorum is God's rep on earth, brought forth to make sure that women are free not to have abortions and gays are free not get married. God's all about the freedom. Rick will be the guy until God figures out how to work the Google. God can't seem to make up his mind. By process of elimination (which has been God's modus operandi for all time - if I weren't a religious person I would almost think that God doesn't care and just lets shit happen) it looks like God will settle for the Mormon guy. At least until he finds out about the whole ruling your own planet and becoming a god thing. That won't go over too well so the Muslim socialist wins again.

Just Like Mother Used to Make

2011-12-29T20:37:00.000-05:00

Sounds like a lab in Holland came up with an airborne strain of H5N1 bird flu through a little selective breeding. Should the specific sequence of events that led to this be classified? Absolutely. Should this experiment have been done. Again - absolutely. I believe the resulting strain took as little as five mutations to become airborne. Although nature doesn't target her results she's got a mighty big lab full of villagers with pigs and chickens and everything and all the time in the world to slice and dice and mix up something nasty. So just like it happened 100 years ago it's bound to happen again. Only that time we Americans were living with pigs and chickens and everything and despite blaming the "Spanish" for the whole thing we ended up knocking out 17 million with our own home brew (or not). So it was good work to determine in advance what an airborne pathogen could look like. Good work boys.

Something about the Time's comment section, particularly regarding science stories, brings out a self selected group of stupid motherfuckers. Maybe stupid is too harsh. How about willfully ignorant? But I stand by the "motherfuckers". A stupid motherfucker is someone who puts your and my kids at risk because they choose to remain willfully ignorant. There were more commenters wanting to kill all the scientists or free the ferrets than got the point of the whole experiment. An unfortunately large contingent thought it would be just dandy for the planet if half of us were killed off by the bird flu. I got kids - I don't share that view. The vast majority thought those naughty scientists should have their slide rules taken away. That, in their sociopathic arrogance, these braniacs with no common sense were meddling with forces with which man was not meant to meddle with. Or doing it to sell vaccines. Not realizing, of course, that scientists are just like you and me, only smarter. Not likely to risk having their kids spike a 107 degree fever and cough up a lung for the hell of it. The idea is to understand the evolutionary mechanisms in order to prevent that. It's not magic, people. It's not even rocket science.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Brainy

2011-12-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Does my large brain make my head look fat?

The smart guy's Tom Delay. Bursting with ideas. So many ideas it takes a massive ego to corral them all. He's so smart he can even invent people:

“Remember, there was no Palestine as a state. It was part of the Ottoman Empire. We have invented the Palestinian people, who are in fact Arabs and are historically part of the Arab people, and they had the chance to go many places,” said Newt Gingrich in an interview with the Jewish Channel."

Good ole Newt - been carrying The White Man's Burden (along with 60 pounds of lard) since grad school. You see, there where no Palestinians until the British gave them a name. Same with Iraqis, Jordanians, Syrians and Lebanese. Those Brits - always fucking with someone. Until then the Palestinians were just a bunch of Arabs who happened to live in the same spot for 1500 years. Not like the Israelis, who, except for a brief 1900 year hiatus, always lived in the Holy Land. I wonder if we Americans are an invented people? Maybe I'll ask an Indian if I can find one.