magic and messy

it’s kinda weird
your ex landed in your country after ten years
and your heart races
im not even picking him up.

it races not because you have feelings for him
you realize there is such a deep impact of timeline in your life with him
you have never missed him since you split
he is a good guy
Treated me so well

I love him as a person and it feels very adult how we’ve become. But I feel outside of myself. Because I’m still that child that he knew and it’s so very apparent as he makes his way here from the Toronto airport. I’m still in the same spot I was ten years ago. And he? He’s moved countries and married and had a baby and still married ! I feel very unconfident and sad and maybe just maybe , this will be the motivation. I remember when he was away for helicopter training – I got so fit and healthy for when he got back. Maybe this can be like that.
hmmmm I’m just im ..

I’m unsettled and emotional and tthinking that life is magic and messy and
that it is the same thing.

Quietness

I’m sure we’ve all been in a phasey thing where we’re restless,unmotivated, wishing for a spark, can’t find one or make one and the waste of days just slide on by and you feel like you’re running to catch up to something you don’t even know and the haze of the days just binge themselves on your breathing.
That’s been a whole week of it for me.

It’s annoying. So much room for productivity and I already know when I get busier I’ll be laced with the notion I don’t have any time to get things done, I have this to do and the list will seem more fuller and actually exist because right now for the life of me, I don’t know if I’m dismissing the things or if they lack presence of importance or I’m just being super lazy .

Bah! I’m keen on figuring out a comfortable place to be with this.
Can’t I just be content with this quiet space?

New Neighbor

I’m sitting out back with a cold ice water happening and he pulls up. I stand up and set my drink on the hood of my car and he gets out and I see him and my splurge of thoughts are, ‘ no way he can’t be the new guy’, and he says ” oh, you don’t need to get up!’ and iniates the steps toward me and says ” Hi I’m Nick, you must be Jen? ” and he holds out his hand and we shake each others and smile and the conversation just slides into this niche of natural beauty.
He crouches down to say hello to my son and I think this is telling wonders and he is a lot of what I think about the rest of the night.
I’m also in the middle of a romance novel and I think I’ve just saturated myself with this love story and manifesting it to my world and so have these unrealistic ( or realistic!? ) thoughts about this apartment boy.
Hm.
A girl can dream.
A girl can also have.


13 Years Old

I finished a book about going through the adolescent phase. ” Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! ” by Michael Bradley. Was very easy to read and digest and make sense of the big things I am going through and will be, with my son.

I’ll tell you, I learned to ask when’s a good time to have a quick talk. ( Can’t ever be long ones, he’ll just zone out ), and give him that choice. And just now he came out of his room and said, Ok What’d yuh want Mom? And
so we sat and talked for 6 minutes about upcoming plans, internet shutting off at night and in one second he can be fervently aghast at my sayings and then the next make a goofy face at me and kiss me on the lips. Yep, we still do that.
I’ll cherish it and i wont push it away like some men in my past have done so. In the end, he went out of the cuddling before bed stage, or riding in the backseat when he can sit in the front— people rush that kind of movement and I know my son better then anyone and I could know that it wasn’t going to deter him , make him a geek or feel less confident- i knew he’d make the call when he was good and ready. The men just made this premature action that I felt was more detrimental then just letting the ‘phase’ wear on and out.
He still kisses me in front of his friends.

I think my sons a good kid and the times will be rough but at least I feel smarter in how to approach and have a grip and make parts of this stage, easier for both of us.
Respect is a huge thing and he has always shown that to other adults.
I raised a good one people.
And it makes me tear up everytime I think of that.

Barefoot

Are you going to find me here?
A puddle of sincerity and desire.
Will you step into this, creating ripples of
intention?


Barefoot.

Phase Now

This is what I’m in.
A phase of life that inherently I understand.
I am here because of me. It makes sense.

However, it is a new space.
My nervous system is all out of whack still. A low buzzing, humming, electric undercurrent I can feel each day. Swaying, surging, crackling. I don’t trust people and it will take me more time to feel at ease. And that’s annoying to me.
Meeting up with friends is not the same relaxing, carefree, easy going. It sometimes takes more effort to go out then I find worth it.
I have a toddler to run after, entertain and half of my mental capacity at least, is taken up with facilitating this. I am timing the naps, I am supposing the wake times and when he’ll need to be active, how long he can last in a high chair.
It is exhausting really.
And that feels weird to me. I can settle into that portion of Mothering, but it takes a chunk out of me.
That feels debilitating.

This is kind of a humorous one- but the heat doesn’t make nice with my hair. And I feel ragged after so many days of not being able to have straight, unknotted hair. I feel more tired and less like trying to be better. These days happen too often.

I’m in between wanting to go out and enjoy summer while it is here- and feeling stuck because I know I don’t have the clean energy and health that initiates that. I’m in a little phase and it is only a phase.
A lot of things seem tasteless.
Many things feel like too big to handle.

I really don’t have a lot of spare money floating around. It all goes to rent and bills and that’s a sensitivity all day long. I can’t just go and buy sunglasses or new socks. These everyday things that aren’t needed but are now considered luxuries.

So I run. I try a lot to push from reality. I’m trying not to be dragged down by the very loud and obsessent noise of the last year.
I am half living and the cycle continues of not getting a grip or ahead and the motivation to be better is crushing.
What am I looking for? A break?
I’m the one that can give me that.

When I get out of this phase, I’ll let you know.



And Life Continues

There are many phases of life. Of fashion, of partners, of music.
I think of the ones that stand out to me.
And I think of the sitting ones. They can be the silent, creaking floorboards of weight shift that are part of what you stand on now. Some inclusionary bold that stains the idea of your being.

I am not afraid to dig deeper then I have with my past. I understand a lot about it. It is my proper doing that I needed to, if I’m to be looking for a life person.
The phases had to of happened as they did. The learning, the growing. Even this phase I am in now.
Which is one I don’t recall ever being in.

Firing and Landing

Ever have so many thoughts in 48 hours- ones you’d like to keep? To delve into? You gotta jot them down. It makes me uncomfortable and irritable when I don’t get them scribbled at least- the very notion of what I thought of. Even if it’s talking about fearing for the 12 eggs lives’ as the egg carton got soggy with downpour rain. Or or, all these thoughts about my good ex. I can’t stop with that. I’ve started drafting here and there. And then I’m driving and I think of the whole umbrella and sling shot of life. It’d be nice to start over with him, and I continue to think the door is cracked open, maybe held by books or all our fabulous memories or how about this- our connect that runs deep. Hm. Maybe I’m just sad about anyone else I meet and like a foundation of self, there he is, a pillar from the past. Like he could protect me from myself, remind me of who I am.

Ringtones and Meanings

Ringtones.
The standard Iphone ones. From back when they first came out. They represent a time period for me. When I put on a certain one, I’m transported to the time and my heart literally starts racing. It’s a call coming in from someone I really am excited about.
There’s another one that reminds me of when I first started dating my first husband. It’s ooey gooey, rich in flavour and has a longing. Of that time of innocence and drive.
I hope the future ringtones bring me to that frame of space. Like memory jolts I can think and feel about. Even if they are sour and bitter and make me want to throw my phone.
It is powerful.
It is even more powerful to sit in the distaste and churn the vibrations to insight, pondering and learning.