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ancient beginnings 2

the wall

there’s a wall

hidden deep within me,

built so sturdy,

it will never falter.

this wall is my protection,

my lifeline.

without this wall,

i would not survive.

this wall is my shelter,

allowing me to run and hie,

for it will surround me

and keep me safe,

hurting only those

who attempt to

trespass beyond

the wall.

the wall is my suffocater,

enclosing me far inside

it’s minute boundaries.

damaging me solely

when i try to

reach out for help.

the wall is immovable,

no matter which way

i turn,

someone will always

end up wounded.

ancient beginning 1

beyond repair

the pain’s unbearable

it hurts too much

i cry out

hoping to be rescued,

but there is no rescue.

the suffering has been too long

the wound too deep

i convulse

trying to fight it,

but the fight is lost.

the piercing of my heart is torture

the shock is horrid.

i cringe

trying to forget

but the memory is too vivid

the nauseating stench of torment

the achingness that follows

i try to pull myself together,

but i’m beyond repair

auld five

the man in my Dreams

who is this man in my Dreams?

he is so familiar, yet a stranger.

i know the face, the touch,

but is not my lover.

my heart wanders like a blind fool.

yet can always return to it’s love.

horrid lust, when will my heart be content to stay.

and why, why is there that other man.

o ye wretched heart, there is no chain that binds you

you chose freely your lover

an oath seals your fate

take comfort and rest.

yet when you are the most joyful in your lover

as you lie to sleep, He comes back to haunt you.

why do you let him. why can’t you make him leave.

there is no love in you for him. you chose.

now be satisfied.

who can you turn to. what to do.

face him. fear him. all i want is to feel the love.

set me free, please i beg you. i can’t let you go

until you do.

Dreams, how i hate sleep. as i do, i just can’t

can’t bring myself to wake. yet when i arise,

i confront reality.

my heart breaks.

auld four

unshackled darkness

love. lust.

how you hunger for my body, my soul..

it drives you mad, knowing you’re so close to me.

yet not entirely.

you want me, you can have me.

what more do you need.

i have given freely all i am.

but it seems you want more.

i am a naked spirit before you.

i have you all the time.

all you have to do is choose.

i will be yours completely.

please make me yours.

nothing held back.

why aren’t you satisfied.

i’ve sacrificed all for you.

you see before you a bare body.

it wants to love you and does the only way it knows how.

but it’s not enough.

failure. loss.

oh, the ache deep down suffocates my soul

taking the light out.

only darkness remains.

auld three

the inevitable tide

your shadow haunts me, making me crazy

i need you so desperately

my body and soul aches for you

your caress tortures me as memories take me away

how can i ever let you go

please don’t fall in love until i get over you

you’ll break my heart even more

you’ve found my lost spirit; it is yours, has always been

your presence courses through my veins

i long to love you like you want me to

the obstacle is nothing we cannot overcome

but only with each other are we able to conquer it

you shiver with expectancy, urgency

i know you need me, why won’t you admit

you lie to yourself, saying i mean nothing

we both know the truth, cleave unto me as i do you

the one thing i can’t live without

is the one thing i lived my whole life for

i have waited for you for so long

and i still wait

eternity may come and go

my soul will not rest

you tease me with mere morsels of love, joy

i beg you to give me your all

i can feel you in me so much

you satisfy my entire being

i yearn to fulfill your desire

why won’t you allow me

i have grown weary and insane

but still i find strength for you

you are all i have ever needed, wanted

i wish i could make you see i belong to you

ask anything of me and i will

your existence lingers; taunts and intertwines mine

never engulfing me, just like the ocean tide

is this the price i must pay for you

three

immediately

rushing through the still quiet

deafness of searching

two

the condition of

your wickedness slinks under

the cool touch of skin

auld two

the heartless love

deep searing emotion / stirs me to the core

my desire overwhelms me / my rationale begins to lose control

your mere presence moves me

your looks caress me / your touch soothes me

how I ache to have you completely / wholly / solely

Yet my heart you will not take / it’s the only one I have to offer

the abuse the hurt the pain / have left it in disrepair

the loves lost have torn / the loves hidden have bruised

the loves rejected have beaten / the loves forced have scarred

But I give to you all I have / to take, to keep / to shape, to mold

Take me and hold me

love me as we’ve never known

But take my heart please / for it’s too much for me to bear

my failing heart can take no more

It bleeds / It weeps

As you walk away / the light dims / and darkness rushes in

and I am as I was before

A decrepit, wretched, lost soul

forever longing / eternally searching / for the one

who will take my heart / who will take my life

as ugly and horrid as it is / and show me what love is

what love can do / to make me believe

in what I’ve not know / in what I’ve not felt

As your presence fades / life seeps from me

I realize

that I never

had a heart to give

auld one

will you be there?

i’m free-floating in a dream.

my life is all a cloud now.

i can’t see very far,

but my vision is good.

thickness varies as i continue.

in sparse spots, my strength weakens.

when my sight is close, my power increases,

but the haze will not last forever.

i’m feeling once again the energy i need.

soon the veil of security will fade.

the mist of what is left will be what i have.

can i endure when it’s gone?

the vitality of life strikes against me.

i flinch from the cruelness of it

unjust and unfair, i take it all in

but soon i will fall

as i sink back into the old patterns

reality surrounds me almost suffocating me

i become awake in the full sense

not quite clear-headed, but aware to it

my comprehension takes me down

i fight and struggle, but to no avail

i am here, alone; with one to find…

and that one is you.

will you be there?

one

evil sneers beneath

as your slanted gaze narrows

hanging ever so

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