Pen and Picture
Moments and thoughts
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
It’s gut wrenching watching life slip away slowly due to old age.
She’s the same dog – just less with each passing day.
It started with a limp.
“It’s just a bad hip. She’s a fighter, she’ll get better.”
The strongest fighters eventually succumb to time. Now she struggles to stand, we’d find her lying on her side, counting down the hours till we come home to help her up – or in the rare event that she somehow manages the right balance and strength to stand up.
“Oh she’s lost weight.”
It doesn’t seem to stop. Weeks pass and we’d find new bony ridges on her already emasculated figure.
The hardest part is sitting next to her stroking her head, and recalling the strength and vigour she once had. We have a great place now to have her roam, run off leash – but somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen. Just thankful she had a few runs in when she was in better health.
Two years on…
Two years. Has it been that long?
Lots of things have happened since – Went through a rocky relationship and learnt a lot more about myself. Finished my bond with the military and decided to pursue my love for the visual arts. It’s been quite a journey.
The past two months have been especially grueling. Starting up a business is tough, but pales in comparison to dealing with people. It’s been an exercise in patience and tact, and makes me realise how much I’ve taken for granted the professionalism, discipline, and precision I’m so used to in the military.
Still, I’ve never been happier to be doing something I love. There are days when it gets incredibly lonely, when it feels like no one else understands what I’m going through, and that’s when that survival training kicks in, to pick myself up and to tell myself to keep going, keep focusing on what needs to be done, and that I’ll eventually make it out – and I often do. Writing helps me cope too, and I guess that’s why I’m back here.
More posts to come… but not too many I hope.
Turning the Page
Today marks half a year since I’ve been back from Afghanistan. I’ve moved on to a new appointment at work and have been living a much more productive life. I’ll come back to this later.
I was today sadden by news of the death of 5 young men from the camp I was previously deployed in. The young men fighting in Afghanistan are at the peak of their physical health, have their whole lives ahead of them and friends and family awaiting their return. All soldiers gave some, but these 5, and countless others before them, tragically gave all.
Nevermind what the leaders, the press, and the people who hand you medals tell you. War is fundamentally ugly. It is man at his most violent, seeking to eradicate the other party simply because they can’t see eye to eye. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people – and modern technology makes it easier to do a whole lot of that in a really short time.
I also bumped into an old friend today and he asked if I had a hero’s welcome when I returned, yet all I could think of was the work we did there. It was mundane and boring work. There was nothing heroic about what I did. I just did what I had to – my duty, and hoped I’d make it back in one piece.
I survived Afghanistan, but it wasn’t because I was a hero.
I was lucky.
It’s an oft cited cliche about how war vets tend to harp on people not understanding because they haven’t been there, but it’s true. I don’t expect people to understand either, so I tell them what they want to hear. It’s easier to tell the partial truth – that it was a great experience and that I learnt a lot serving, than having to explain the moral dilemma of making decisions that would take somebody’s life or living under the constant threat of being shot at. I don’t blame them, these were extreme conditions and it’s hard to empathise.
But there are lessons to bring back from my experience, and they tie in really well with what’s expounded on this blog – Inspiration and Chai – Regrets of the Dying
I urge you to read it.
If there’s anything my experience in deployment could be translated into for those who haven’t been there, it would be this – Life is precious, fleeting and fragile. Let’s not squander our time, health and relationships.
I have been a happier man since I’m back, and I wish you the same.
I end with a quote from the Inspiration and Chai blog entry – “Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”
Quiet at Night
Life has been good to me since my return to Singapore, and I’ve been keeping myself really busy trying to do things to be happy – making new friends, strengthening old bonds, picking up new sports and getting better at my old ones.
Yet last night, I felt a strange emptiness hit me. I’ve got my schedule all planned out but I felt tired and lost. That’s when it dawned upon me that I’ve been so caught up being busy and ticking off to-dos that I forgot to recharge.
I spent so much time getting lost in the din of the city that I forgot to listen to myself. The fix came in the form of a quick bike ride, and now I’m back and ready to go again.
Except this time, I’m taking it easy.
The End is the Beginning is the..
It seemed only a while ago that we stepped foot in Afghanistan as wide-eyed newcomers.
Everything felt strange and foreign, and the thought of living in an area of conflict and its imminent dangers hung thick in the air.
Time has since worn down the rough edges and we have settled into a routine, familiarised ourselves with the people and surroundings, got used to dealing with ever present threats (the trick is to look out for it, but not think about it too much) and dare I say, grown rather attached to this dusty, arid and now freezing environment.
Our deployment has come full circle.
Our replacements arrived today and are now bunked in with us. We had to clear out some of our comfort items the past few days to make way for them. The room where we’ve anchored our humble existence for the past months now seem just that little less familiar. Soon it will feel foreign as we pack up more of our belongings to ship back, and then it will cease to be ours.
The next team will take our place and we will be shipping home.
To many, it would seem like the end – but like a good book, life’s chapters don’t stand alone, they build up the plot and lead strongly into the next. I wrote in the beginning that I had faith that this deployment would be a wonderful experience for me. It has been. Now I’m looking forward to whatever comes next.
I have no qualms that my last month left here would be just as meaningful. I’m just hoping now that I could facilitate just as great a start to those about to pen their own chapters here.
Godspeed fellow authors.
Colours in the Sky
Most people opt to stay indoors in inclement weather and on chilly nights, but not the photographer. To him or her, it’s the perfect time to head out to shoot.
Onlookers must have thought they saw a lunatic walking around at midnight in the thick fog and cold with camera and tripod in tow, but I saw something else – and now I’m sharing it with you.
The colours in the pictures resulted from the various light sources used on base. Tungsten lights emit a warm yellow glow, some fluorescents glow green while others slightly blue. All these light sources were diffused and reflected in the thick fog to create a surreal technicoloured scene, just begging to be captured on camera by a crazy enough photographer with a fetish for frostbite.
So I did.
Lest We Forget
I was a little shaken sometime back by the news of French soldiers being shot at by their Afghan counterparts (link). It’s not the first time such has happened, and I have a feeling it may not be the last.
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
We can rave all we want about how it is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country, but these guys died for someone else’s country, on foreign soil.
I’m not about to launch into a tirade on the evils and hypocrisy of politics, nor preach about how we’re all global citizens and need to play our part in this war on terror. I leave that to the policy makers and leaders of the men they have sent into battle, and each and every one of us who may one day have to serve, or have a close friend or family in the same situation.
I just ask that we not forget, that in war, men will die – Young men with dreams and aspirations, friends and families. There is a price to pay for the decisions made, all will give some, but some may end up giving all.
Perhaps the most haunting thing about the image when I reviewed it was that the names and dates were clearly visible, and that many of them had given everything at an age when I once thought I couldn’t get enough of life.
First Snowfall over Singa-Inn
The first snowfall for the season in our base here in Afghanistan came down hard, blanketing everything in almost 8 inches of snow overnight. It was a welcome change from the rain and dust combination that usually results in some pretty muddy conditions.
Here you can get a sense of our living conditions. It’s sparse but we’re comfortable. Everything gets used and recycled in an operational environment like ours. The walkways are made from the wooden pallets scavenged from cargo drops. Even our flag post (right) was put up with metal posts and bits of duct tape. The main container with the lights on is the pantry we often refer to as Singa-Inn. It’s short for Singapore-Inn of course, but what it really is is a focal point for after-work camaraderie and heart-warming home cooked meals.
The blanket of snow has thinned out since this picture was taken, but the resulting melt water and subsequent refreezing have resulted in icy pavements that have claimed quite a few victims. I was no exception, and was lucky to walk away with only a sore bottom and a bruised ego.
For the photography enthusiasts – I often tell people that the camera doesn’t really matter, but this is one instance where it did. It was necessary to push the ISO to a relatively high level of 6400 even when shooting at f2.8 at 1/30s, and if you’ve got an older camera you’d either be stuck with a pretty grainy low-quality image or just plain outta luck. This is due in part to the low light levels in the base, as well as the need to freeze the motion of the snow as it falls. A longer shutter speed would have rendered the snow an indistinct blur instead.
In this case, the 5dm2 + 24-70 f2.8 lens combination came through nicely. It also handled the heavy snowfall and the rigours of shooting that night pretty well. But then again, my older 350d has seen worse and it came through shining too so that was kind of expected.
Christmas Lessons from Afghanistan
Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to all.
Christmas for me has always been a time of thanksgiving and self reflection. This year though, it bears extra significance to me given how I’m spending it in a conflict zone replete with violence and destruction.
I’m halfway through my deployment in Afghanistan and it would have been a terrible waste of time if I haven’t learnt anything by now.
So in true pragmatic Singaporean fashion, here are my 3 lessons to take away this festive season.
BE ANGRY.
Contrary to popular belief, anger does not lead to the dark side. We tend to confuse being angry and being bitter.
Anger drives change. It is the kind of and how we effect the change that’s critical. Change not for the sake of it, change to improve. Be the change you want to see in the world – Be the improvement.
This Christmas take a long hard look at yourself. Think about what it is that you’re unhappy with in your life and get angry. Make that change.
I’m 27 and turning 28 in a few months. I have never seen indifference improve anything for me or for my society. I have, on the other hand seen anger save lives, give voices to people and liberate nations. I know where I’m placing my bets for the next 28 years and beyond.
I have every intention to be angry, stay angry and grow old angry because the best is yet to be.
BE SELFISH.
Life is short and sometimes downright harsh so take good care of yourself.
Teamwork is overrated. You have nothing to give if you are not 100% yourself.
Your cup will never overfloweth if it’s never filled.
Do what it takes to recharge yourself. Take breaks and long walks alone. Don’t be shy to ask (politely) for personal time.
Have long, honest conversations with yourself, but not too loud in a crowded place. Seek out who you are and who you want to be in life early so you’ll have more time to get there. But if you don’t, enjoy the process anyway.
Once you’ve sorted that out, stand firm to your beliefs, even if it means offending people. Friends and “teammates” come and go, but you have to live with yourself the rest of your life.
BE FOOLISH.
Life is fleeting. There’s no point taking yourself too seriously, people forget anyway. I once peed my pants in a crowded lift and thought it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I’ve had worse since then, but you don’t remember do you? (Exceptions include my bowwow essay that my friends refuse to let me forget. I’ve since become somewhat numb to it)
Love with abandon, let your heart get trampled on if need be. It’s better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all. When it’s all over, pick yourself up and love again. You can only get better with practice.
Laugh out loud in public, just never at somebody’s expense.
We are not perfect but people who care will understand. If they don’t, give them mirrors for Christmas.
Voice your thoughts even if people think they are stupid (not that a lot of bloggers need this advice).
Play. Throw grammar out the window when you write, tell your friends jokes without punchlines and stories with bad endings,
and just for the heck of it, make them read blog entries that end abrup
Afghanistan – The Graveyard of Empires
It’s been slightly more than one month now that I’ve arrived in this harsh but stunningly beautiful landscape – A country scarred by years of war and strife and nicknamed the graveyard of empires. Historically, empires came here to die, and by extension its people too. The very people who represented and carried the empire’s ideals, arm and might, came here to get mindfucked (pardon the language), shot at and blown up.
I’m doing great though.
Everyone’s been urging me to keep safe and to take care of myself. While I appreciate the goodwill, the fact is that, there’s very little I can do to avoid <insert scary thought> here.
Shit really does happen.
It’s much like saying good luck to the student facing down an important examination paper – only ample preparation and presence of mind will get him through.
The good news though, is that I have been well equipped with the physical training and hardware to minimise the risk of casualty. We too take proactive measures here to maximise our safety. I don’t discount that fact that I could be killed here (one dies crossing the street anyway), but the chances of that happening are relatively low and it doesn’t bother me. Nonetheless it’d be foolhardy to walk into an area of conflict thinking bullets are going to bounce off you.
Here the key is balance, and at times I can’t help but be amused at how surreal the whole situation is – off duty soldiers playing ping pong with a loaded pistol by their side; sun-tanning with flak jackets on; shooting up zombies on laptops with their rifles sitting beside them.
The list goes on.
I guess that’s what soldiering really is about. You sort out all the preparation work you can think of, be ready to go at a moment’s notice and then you wait. You wait for the brief moment when all your training and hardwork comes together and you pray hard it pays off. Sometimes it doesn’t, and if you’re lucky you get a second chance to get it right and try again. Most don’t, but that’s life isn’t it?
Sometimes the moment never comes, but you come out the better for it anyway, because you’re now stronger and faster – and also because you don’t have to shit your pants when you stare the enemy in the face.
You wait anyway.
All in all, I am happy to be here and thankful for the wonderful experience. Would I say the same things months from now when my fresh eyes wear out? I can’t be sure, but I am optimistic that I’d make that same statement.
Until then, to my loved ones and friends, fret not. I’ll do what I can to stay sane and stay safe. 😉
Pen and Picture 