I was at a mentoring thing recently where one woman talked about how she had a friend who was using paid agentic AI ($200/month) to populate her calendar from her email with all the stupid things schools want her four kids to do– pajama day, that sort of thing.
I want everyone to know that you can also just NOT. Like, if the kids want to do pajama day, they can figure that out on their own. It’s ok if you just don’t. It’s ok if your kid doesn’t or if your kid does it themselves. (How many moms, I wonder, feel like they have to force a kid screaming that no they don’t want to wear whatever shirt or have whatever crazy hair style that day just so they don’t look like a “bad mother”– if the kid doesn’t even want to do the stupid spirit event, then why force it?)
Then a woman was like, you say that, but then your kid is the only kindergartner who doesn’t dress up like an old man on 100 day. Which OMG what kind of school DOES that. 100 day for my kids was generally bringing in 100 of something, and yeah, I let my kindergartner tell me about that (along with the flyer they brought home) and I let my kindergartner figure out what they wanted to bring and we’d supervise counting out 100 of them. (I believe we did pennies and mnms.) So we didn’t skip that, but also I didn’t like, push it. I cannot imagine having to waste time getting a full-on costume ready. Like WTF. (There are a lot of advantages to going to public school with a really wide SES range– I’m guessing said school expects a lot of SAHM and nannies.)
But also my kids have been in situations where I didn’t come to muffins with mom or whatever in preschool because I had to work (true– I cannot just not do required meetings/teaching because preschool wants moms to come in the middle of the day) and I let them know in advance I wasn’t going, and asked if it was ok and explained that if there were other mommies who couldn’t come their kids might be feeling bad but to make sure they know that their mommies loved them just like I love my kids. (Mommies do usually come at great expense to themselves, but not everyone can. Daddies, of course, usually don’t, and usually mom has to go to donuts with daddies too.)
There’s still a huge industry out there trying to make moms feel guilty about anything and everything. You don’t have to be a super mom. You don’t have to schedule your kids. You don’t have to free range your kids either. You can just do what is easiest and what works for you and your kids (so long as it doesn’t involve actual abuse or neglect– obviously you should not be feeding your kids brandy or beating them).
The thing is, when you don’t give into it, and you don’t do all the things you’re “expected” to do and you let your kids take some ownership of the things that are important to them.. and you don’t feel guilty about it, you’re also giving your daughters freedom to live their adult lives the way they see fit, and your sons the ability to treat women as equals instead of servants.
Obviously you should love your kids and pay attention to them and treat them well… but that does not have to involve any manufactured guilt– no manufactured activities, no Hallmark holidays, only things that are *actually* important to you. That you actually want to do. FTP. Do what works for your and your family. Not what some stupid patriarchal structure thinks will be fun.
Also you don’t have to have a clean house all time. You can pick and choose what you want.
Man, I probably should have gone on this rant then… I feel bad for all the young women who think “doing it all” includes excessive organization just so you can keep the patriarchy happy. It really makes me angry.



