You’re still a good mom if you DO LESS

I was at a mentoring thing recently where one woman talked about how she had a friend who was using paid agentic AI ($200/month) to populate her calendar from her email with all the stupid things schools want her four kids to do– pajama day, that sort of thing.

I want everyone to know that you can also just NOT.  Like, if the kids want to do pajama day, they can figure that out on their own.  It’s ok if you just don’t.  It’s ok if your kid doesn’t or if your kid does it themselves.  (How many moms, I wonder, feel like they have to force a kid screaming that no they don’t want to wear whatever shirt or have whatever crazy hair style that day just so they don’t look like a “bad mother”– if the kid doesn’t even want to do the stupid spirit event, then why force it?)

Then a woman was like, you say that, but then your kid is the only kindergartner who doesn’t dress up like an old man on 100 day.  Which OMG what kind of school DOES that.  100 day for my kids was generally bringing in 100 of something, and yeah, I let my kindergartner tell me about that (along with the flyer they brought home) and I let my kindergartner figure out what they wanted to bring and we’d supervise counting out 100 of them.  (I believe we did pennies and mnms.)  So we didn’t skip that, but also I didn’t like, push it.  I cannot imagine having to waste time getting a full-on costume ready.  Like WTF.  (There are a lot of advantages to going to public school with a really wide SES range– I’m guessing said school expects a lot of SAHM and nannies.)

But also my kids have been in situations where I didn’t come to muffins with mom or whatever in preschool because I had to work (true– I cannot just not do required meetings/teaching because preschool wants moms to come in the middle of the day) and I let them know in advance I wasn’t going, and asked if it was ok and explained that if there were other mommies who couldn’t come their kids might be feeling bad but to make sure they know that their mommies loved them just like I love my kids.  (Mommies do usually come at great expense to themselves, but not everyone can.  Daddies, of course, usually don’t, and usually mom has to go to donuts with daddies too.)

There’s still a huge industry out there trying to make moms feel guilty about anything and everything.  You don’t have to be a super mom.  You don’t have to schedule your kids.  You don’t have to free range your kids either.  You can just do what is easiest and what works for you and your kids (so long as it doesn’t involve actual abuse or neglect– obviously you should not be feeding your kids brandy or beating them).

The thing is, when you don’t give into it, and you don’t do all the things you’re “expected” to do and you let your kids take some ownership of the things that are important to them.. and you don’t feel guilty about it, you’re also giving your daughters freedom to live their adult lives the way they see fit, and your sons the ability to treat women as equals instead of servants.

Obviously you should love your kids and pay attention to them and treat them well… but that does not have to involve any manufactured guilt– no manufactured activities, no Hallmark holidays, only things that are *actually* important to you.  That you actually want to do.  FTP.  Do what works for your and your family.  Not what some stupid patriarchal structure thinks will be fun.

Also you don’t have to have a clean house all time.  You can pick and choose what you want.

Man, I probably should have gone on this rant then… I feel bad for all the young women who think “doing it all” includes excessive organization just so you can keep the patriarchy happy.  It really makes me angry.

Money can be used for control: or what is the purpose of gifts?

I enjoy most of Dear Snarky’s advice, but one thing that bothers me is how she treats gift advice differently if the gift is something she would value (even though the letter writer doesn’t) vs. if it isn’t.  For the former, she essentially calls the letter writer ungrateful and for the latter she sticks to Emily Post’s advice about how a gift belongs to the receiver to do with what they wish.

Combine this with she and her commentariat also really value gifts of large monetary value.  How DARE the receiver not fully appreciate and bend over backwards for a $10K wedding gift or handbags worth so much that even used they can pay for a family vacation*?  The spender spent so much money, the receiver must be an ungrateful jerk.

This really bothers me.  First– I have an estranged father who has tried to control me with money and got really angry when I would not take it.  I feel like the grandma in these two posts may be the same– that 10K gift probably came with strings attached, and the way she says in the second short that her family will come crawling back when they need her money really emphasizes that.

Aside: In the above short– I feel kind of like the reason that everyone was oohing and ahhing over the wrapping etc. is because Grandma is one of those women you have to tiptoe around and give excessive praise to in order to keep her behaving herself (which of course doesn’t actually work), but I may be projecting.

Second– what really gets me is how the commenters are so extremely fixated on how this rich woman has given her granddaughter 10K and thus should be allowed to treat her grandchild badly instead of having an adult conversation in private.  This, here, really feels like a microcosm of what is wrong with the US right now.  If you’re rich, they let you do anything.  If you’re rich you CAN use money to control people and the vast majority of people will mentally rule in your favor.  My father wanted to give me money, so I was ungrateful for not taking it and I felt *guilty* for saying they should use it on themselves or on charity.  (I *still* think they should buy and install a dishwasher and a dryer! But they won’t because that’s one of the ways my father controls my mother.)

Third– I think this recent short below (where the bride’s future MIL offers to host a bridal shower so the sister doesn’t have to, but, admittedly, is kind of rude about it) illustrates another thing that bothers me.  Why are you giving a gift?  Why are you wanting to throw a bridal shower?  If you are doing it to show love for your sister, then you should be delighted someone else with a nice house is doing it. The only reason I can think you would feel upset (other than the rudeness part) is if you’re doing it to be the center of attention.  I’ve never understood people who feel like they have to be the one who gives the *best* gift, which was a real thing on mommy forums (in-laws giving nicer presents than the parents, and the parents wanting to give the nicest present, or to buy the only “baby’s first Christmas” ornament) before it became a reddit trope.   Like seriously, just do what the commenters suggest and go to the bridal shower on time, leave early, and go to the spa with your extra cash and time that you no longer have to spend prepping a bridal shower.  (Yes, Snarky, you did give horrible advice!)

What are your thoughts on expensive gifts?  Why do you think gifts should be given?  How should you deal with unwanted gifts and does it matter if it’s a cheap vs. expensive gift?  Has anyone ever tried to control you with a gift?

*this deliberately controversial post didn’t get as much discussion as I expected…

Link Love

An economist I really like at UIUC gives heuristics for how to write a good intro.

#bluewavein90days

AI conversations make married/partnered people more lonely in an RCT (in France!).

My colleague Sen. John Cornyn, R-Poltroon, made it plain as day recently when he said of Republicans, ‘There’s nothing we can do to rein in the president.’ Paired action: Call your Republican Senators and Congress people and tell them to rein in the president!

Ask the Grumpies: How do I teach a 2.5 hour class? (And what to do about AI?)

CG asks:

I’m teaching a new undergrad seminar this fall that meets in one 2.5 hour block per week. I need to figure out how to A. keep them from using AI for everything and B. keep them engaged for that long chunk of time. I might do some in-class writing prompts. I’m also going to ask them each week to look up some stuff relevant to class, post two sentences about it on Canvas, and bring it in to share. This is a subject that the people who take it tend to be very personally interested in so I think that second tactic will be effective.

Any clever ideas from fellow academics to help me as I gear up for this course would be greatly appreciated!

 

AI

I think the first thing regarding AI is to think about what the purpose of the class is.  If the purpose is to learn material, then AI doesn’t have as much of a place because it will substitute for learning (though see comparative assignments below).  If the purpose is to create a product applying material already learned, then AI might have a place, but you will need to define it and they will need to demonstrate how they use it, and importantly, how they check it for accuracy.

A lot of my colleagues have been incorporating AI in their upper-level classes by having assignments in which they request that the assignment be done with AI and then they request it be done traditional ways and either the student or the class as a whole has to compare the two processes and outputs.  AI is good for some things and isn’t good for other things.  Some assignments have different groups doing the same thing in separate teams, each with a different AI or no AI at all, then they come together to compare outputs (right now it seems like the big learning thing is that AI is faster but still needs a lot of oversight, which is an important lesson).  Some assignments are individual where they do both the AI version and the real version.  (But be careful with these– they must be novel assignments– if it’s from a textbook then AI will get things more correct than if it’s something new.  Still, students tell me that they’re shocked by how much AI still just makes things up.)

Some of my colleagues have gone back to flipped classrooms where the lecture happens outside of class and all of the assignments happen within class.  That way they can actually watch people not using AI.

Keeping students engaged

This one I have a lot more success with because most of my classes, *including* math classes, meet for 2.5 hours once a week, so I have had a lot of practice.  (Not this semester, but most semesters that’s how it has worked out.)

The big thing is that you have to mix things up.  You cannot straight lecture.  You can do interactive lecture where you ask a lot of questions to check for understanding or to involve the class in lecture creation.  Basically if it’s a lecture class you lecture, check for understanding, have them do a problem, and repeat.  Sometimes there will be class-relevant games or Stata exercises to break things up.

In seminars I like to provide discussion questions with the reading, which I have them turn in as a completion grade.  Then, importantly, we go through the discussion questions — sometimes everyone will answer the same question and we will compare and contrast answers.  Sometimes I have each person answer a different question.

I guess generally for discussion classes for me, most of the prep-work comes up front– I figure out what all the assignments are going to be and then I use their answers to those assignments to actually make class happens.  Students say they love the way that they never feel like they’re just doing busy work– everything they do ends up being used in class.  We actually visit the readings and go through the questions they were assigned.  They actually post the information they found to the class.

One thing I really like to do is give them assignments where each of them has to bring in information about a different group, for example, voting rules for different states.  Then we combine all of that information on the board and see what big picture things we can take away from comparing and contrasting.  One really illuminating class we looked at privatization of I can’t remember if it was prisons or child welfare or both, but what came out of a dozen different articles that students found (this is NOT my area of expertise and the syllabus needed to be upgraded, so I told them to each find a paper and post it as soon as they found it, no two people could have the same paper) was that privatization can work and make things more efficient and not more dangerous if there’s good governmental oversight, but if there isn’t good oversight it’s dangerous.  (Don’t quote me.)  Those points where we learn things are new to even me seem really special.

An assignment I stole from my friend is a bluesky assignment where people have to follow some number of (in our case) economists, and then they post the tweet they found most interesting for the week, and then read everyone else’s tweets and we would go around the room and each person would say which tweet of those we found the most interesting and we’d discuss them and how they related to the class material.  (Usually multiple people found the same one the most interesting.)  There are early deadlines for each step of the process as well so they can’t just do the classwork the night before it is due and then fall asleep in class.

In class writing is good.  In class problem solving is good.  Conversations are good.  Guest lectures are good– it is amazing how you can get local government people to zoom or even come in to give a talk about what their program does.  You can also get policy-makers and researchers to zoom in and give a talk.

Grumpy Nation Teachers and (former) students:  What advice do you have for CG?

What interests me in economics

This is a draft from 2015 that I have resurrected.  Let’s see what I had…

The irrational– things that should not be, that I do not understand.  Explain them!

Transitions.  Changing from one state to another, wanting to change but being unable to.

I think this is still true.  I am fascinated by irrational behavior.  Similarly, unfairness, which is irrational for the social welfare planner, but can be rational for the folks benefitting.  I like understanding why people do what they do.  That’s probably the biggest reason I have studied economics.  (And it pays better and there are more jobs than psychology.)

Since college I’ve been interested in how things change.  I’ve loved history of thought courses.  I wrote a paper on the Meiji era for an economic history class in college.  Change is definitely something I’ve focused on in a lot of aspects of my professional life.  I do a lot of teaching and mentoring because I like to help junior people change in the ways they want.  I like seeing things grow and seeing them become and I’m interested in how they do what they do.  It may be that I just like stories.  I do read a lot of fiction.

So I guess those are still my main interests in economics.  Was the updated post worth an 11 year delay?… nah, I didn’t add enough.

What interests you in your career/profession?

I think DH and the kids are going to go to Greece over Spring Break

Have you heard the Good Word of Epic! the musical?  DC2 has…

DC2 has refused to watch the movie the Odyssey because the clothing and ships are from the wrong time period.  (If you want to “rage bait” DC2, as the kids say, all you have to do is call something that isn’t a toga a toga and wait a moment.)

DC2’s tennis instructor (OMG, we’re in the economic class that has private tennis coaches), who has learned more than he ever wanted to know about Epic!, mentioned that we really ought to take DC2 to Greece and DC2 agreed.  The tennis instructor, of course, has been because his family does a ton of travel.  (Tennis teaching is a hobby.)  (The young woman at Barnes and Noble when we were buying travel guides for DC2 had also been to Greece and had a lot of thoughts.)

This has been percolating for a while.  As our remaining readers who haven’t gotten disgusted by our obnoxious spending may recall, DH and DC2 went to Spain last Spring break and had a good time.  DC2 only has a few years left before college and DC1 only one year left before college graduation.  We’d been thinking maybe we ought to do more travel before they’re out of the house and employed and we have less say in their schedules.  And currently we have the wherewithal to facilitate that.  During our trip to Montreal, we decided maybe it’s time to go to Greece.  DC2 hates museums and actually added a museum to our itinerary because they had Greek statues(!), which led to the aha moment that maybe Greece should be next.  DH and I can go to Paris and Italy (my two wishes) once the kids are gone or when we have more time otherwise.

DH is a bit tired of planning itineraries, particularly ones that DC2 is not enthusiastic about.  So we told DC2 that zie would have to do the bulk of the planning.  DC2 was enthusiastic and has been poring over guidebooks.

Oddly, the kids’ vacations line up this year.  They could go over Thanksgiving or Spring Break.  Only DC2 could go if they went in May (though I would also probably go if they went in May).  Thanksgiving and Spring Break are also down times for Greece tourism, which is good because the things DC2 wants to see (ruins, statues, famous places from antiquity) will be open and less crowded while people seeking out the beaches and resorts won’t be around.  Weather in the 50s-60s, some rain, less daylight than would be ideal.  May would be better in terms of temperature and daylight, but it’s also much more expensive to fly (and, DC1, who was already excluded from Spain and Montreal, would not be able to go in May).  My preference would be Thanksgiving because who knows what will happen between now and Spring.  But it does look like DC2’s competitions don’t overlap with Spring Break this year like they did last year.

Why don’t I want to go?  The main reason is that I have a lot of teaching and service going on this coming year and I really need the time to do actual work.  Going to Greece isn’t enough of an incentive for me to have stress from being time-strapped.  If it were in May I wouldn’t feel as stressed but DC1 will still be in school.  (I think we’re also planning on doing Minneapolis in June and DH can’t take too much time off these days.)  It will be nicer to have a week to just focus on getting things done that need to get done.  And while it is true I have not seen Greek ruins, I did see plenty of Roman ruins in Spain when I visited for a month and a half in college.  The second reason, of course, is money.  Plane tickets are about $1K each give or take, assuming we book soon.  (Advance prices to Athens have gone way up since I looked into this in previous years– I assume it’s fuel costs.)  That’s still not nothing.  And then there’s the price of an additional person for everything else.  If I go to Greece I think I want it to be the Greece of British novels– perfect weather, amazing food, overlooking the sea.  If I wanted cold and rainy I’d probably go to the UK!

We haven’t booked anything yet.  I’ll provide price breakdowns once I do.

Have you been to Greece?  What are your thoughts on off-season travel?

Link love

I don’t have the slightest idea what has been happening this week.

heres a short:

Ask the grumpies: More teaching/professor hacks?

CG asks:

Best recent teaching/professor-ing hacks

I admit– I have nothing new.  I’m hoping some of the Grumpy Nation can chime in!

My plan for this year is to try earnestness.  I’m going to emphasize that we have real people reading what they give us, not AI, so please put in effort and turn in real work.  We’ll see how that works.  I haven’t taught stats for a couple of years, but I have been teaching the second semester methods course, and they’ve told me they didn’t really bother doing homework first semester because it wasn’t really graded and it didn’t really count for their final grade.  And then they couldn’t do normal distribution problems (I assume because Gemini can do them) even after the second semester refresher.

I may be able to get away with this because this year my classes are already full (I have a “good” teaching time) and the other prof’s sections are barely making, so I might be able to suggest that people who don’t want to work hard move to another section.  Her grades are always way higher so I don’t know why anybody would choose me if they don’t know how awesome I am.  (And I haven’t taught this class for a couple of years, so unless they know seniors…)

Here’s our teaching tag for previous posts that might be more useful!  If you’re looking for specifically hacks try this link.

Grumpy Nation:  Do you have better answers for CG?

 

RBOddities

  • I recently got an email to my work email from a creamery in another town in my state from their billing department saying they’d gotten a package with my name on it and would I like them to send it to me.  The package was from someone I’d never heard of and the return address was a random warehouse in New Jersey.  The woman in billing said it was a necklace.  My name is a little unusual and the most active other person with my name died last year and didn’t live in my state.  There was another person my age with my name back when I was in grad school who had an arrest record, but she hasn’t been googleable since grad school so I assume she’s gotten married.  In any case, I told the nice lady from billing to send it back since it wasn’t mine or the dead lady’s.
  • Some of my colleagues who haven’t been at work all summer have occasionally had their office door open when I get into work.  I’ll text and they’ll say, no my door should not be open so please close it for me.  And so I close and lock it.  I assume the cleaning staff is doing a deep clean overnight and then not locking up after which is why it’s like one office a day (though it isn’t like one office door is open and the next is open the next day… I’m assuming they are just leaving the last one cleaned open).
  • Apparently both my kids read this blog.
  • Over the past two weeks we’ve gotten 3 weird solicitors.  I don’t know what they were selling.  The first two did “shave and a haircut” for the door knock.  All three of them started something like, I’ve been in the neighborhood/talking to your neighbors… at which point DH says is this a sales call?  or he says he is working get to the point.  And then the guy is like absolutely not a sales call/ of course of course I’ll be brief, and then starts talking more saying nothing and DH is like get to the point and they just keep going and he closes the door on them.  For the last one, I told the guy to f*** off and he started saying now now that kind of language.. at which point I closed the door and he just kept talking but I have no idea what he was saying.  We’re too lazy to get on Next Door to complain or find out what they’re selling.  I added a paper No Soliciting sign.  The last time we had a bunch of solicitors it was after a hail storm and they were all roofers, but they were better at getting to the point than whatever these jerks are.  They didn’t seem like Jehovah’s Witnesses (they seem like 20-something scam-artist men) and they weren’t paired like Mormons and there was no Bible or political flyers.  My assumption was yard work or the scammy company that claims to do insect stuff but has a reputation for being awful and doing door-to-door (but they came by several years ago…).
  • I don’t normally fly JetBlue, but I did a leg as part of a multicity trip.  I paid basic so no seat assignment.  When I got to the airport it was clear that everyone who paid basic would be gate checking their luggage no exceptions.  I thought that if I paid for a seat assignment I could get put into boarding group 4 instead of 5-8 and thus keep my carryon on the plane.  Nope— that is not how that works.  So keep that in mind when you’re comparing flight prices.  Usually I only have an under the seat carryon but for a week of conferences I need more clothing than can fit into a backpack.  Then when I got on the plane there were tons of empty spaces for luggage.  Also the seats are nice and wide and the free WiFi is good.  But they have no first class section. I don’t understand who their market is.
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Abandoned/discarded drafts from 2016 (Part 1?)

Kitty Peeing

No notes on this one– it’s just a title.  Nice Kitty has anxiety (and now depression) and will occasionally pee on a couch or on the carpet in the dining room or less occasionally a closet.  She’s on Prozac, which definitely helps.  She was doing great before we brought back Sister Kitty and had some remission once we got mamacat and the kittens.  I guess I never talked in detail and intended to.  (This is why we kept Nice Kitty instead of trying to adopt her out.)

Favorite personal finance gurus for different personality types and life stages

What if you want to follow a system?

I probably could have just finished this back in 2016, but these days I don’t remember enough about the different personal finance gurus and I don’t know who the new ones are, if any.  Suze Orman is good for emotions, but her advice isn’t great.  Dave Ramsey is good if you’re into all or nothing kinds of stuff or need systems that don’t let you cheat.  I don’t know who else there is!  I feel like some of my actual favorites may no longer be in this space at all.  (Like that guy who used to have a column for Money Magazine who was an actual fiduciary financial planner.)

Growth mindsets

Hey, this one from 2011 seems eerily apropos given the current election business.

We know that MutantSupermodel is going to do well because she has one.

Life is unfair.  Yes.  Do you let that get you down?

Do you spend your time posting on gifted forums about how affirmative action is evil and white boys are genetically smarter than girls or non-Asian minorities (hint:  if you’re only quoting Stephen Pinker or The Bell Curve, then there’s a huge area of research you are completely ignoring)?  Maybe you should try one of those penis enlargement devices that you get emailed about.

No idea what the 2011 missing link is.  Also I had forgotten that 2016 was the year this awful :gestures broadly: started.  I miss democracy.   Haven’t seen mutant supermodel in ages… I hope she is doing well!  Haven’t been on a Davidson Gifted Forum for quite some time, but yeah, they were pretty Darwinian.  I feel like this is a Mensa kind of thing where people who are smart and doing reasonably well want a rising tide to lift all boats, but the ones on forums… maybe that’s all they have?

I think the general idea behind this post was that racist bigots are losers and people with growth mindsets spend time trying to make things better for themselves and everyone, while racists bigots are dumb and can only punch down because if they don’t they’re left with their feefees and feelings of inadequacy.

There are several more posts from 2016 but I’m wondering if maybe I can’t turn some of them into full posts.  We’ll find out!  If I can’t there will be a part 2, eventually.

42 drafts remaining.

Do you have any incontinent animals?  Who are your favorite personal finance gurus?  Do you know of any current gurus?  How much do bigots suck?

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