My Dot Calm

2026-03-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

It's been forever, blogging obviously went out of style long ago. But Olivia - the baby who started it all on this blog, just turned 18.

And I have feelings.

Her life hasn't turned out like I expected. I have learned so much about myself through this journey raising her. Mainly trying to just accept what is.

At 12 Olivia developed an eating disorder. It kind of stole everything from her. She spent her entire high school life in and out of treatment centers. She didn't go to any formal dances and she's okay with that. And I had to look at myself and ask why do I care? She no longer believes the teachings of our church and doesn't attend, and that's an interesting kind of heartache. Because what do you mean, you have your own beliefs and opinions that are different than mine? This wasn't in the Baby Center emails.

I have learned that who she is as a person and who she is becoming, and really who she has always been, is all her, and I have very little control. Relinquishing that control has been my growth arc. Letting go of guilt and wishing I could go back and change things doesn't help either. Comparison brings only pain and serves no one.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm disappointed in her. She has overcome so much. She is not afraid of hard conversations. She advocates for what she wants. She is amazing with kids with special needs and volunteered helping with Penguin Project recently and everyone loved her, of course.

Just crazy to think this blog started with my finding out I was pregnant with her, and now we're here. Life is crazy.

Funny Nora and Eliza cuteness

2022-03-28T20:47:00.002-07:00

Tonight Nora said, "Mom, I just can't remember what I look like! I try to think about it, and my brain just, poof! Can't think of it. I have no IDEA WHAT MY OWN SELF LOOKS LIKE!"

Right now I'm eavesdropping on Nora and Eliza chatting when they're supposed to be sleeping. Eliza asked, "Would you rather have a pet rock, or a pet whale?"

I can't hear Nora's answer, but they are still talking about 10 minutes later so it must be a pretty good discussion.

I had a big mom fail today. I didn't do all the paperwork required for Nathan to show his pigeon in 4H. He showed up tonight for registration and was told he won't be able to show or sell his bird. He was pretty upset and I feel pretty crumby.

Fourteen

2022-03-11T00:05:00.001-08:00

When I think of close we were to not having Olivia here to celebrate her birthday with us, I literally cannot breathe.

My sweet baby girl, who was the size of a jelly bean when I started this blog, tried to take her own life in November.

Every day since I have wondered what I can do better for her. Will she try it again? How do I keep her safe? What else should I do? Why can't she see how amazing she is? How needed she is. Was I too harsh and impatient when she was a toddler? Was I too lenient and spoiled her so much I didn't give her the chance to build her self esteem? Did I put too much responsibility on her being the oldest? These are questions I never stop asking myself.

Have to keep it going!

2022-03-02T23:07:00.003-08:00

Nora's vampire story

I love looking back on this blog and reading about the long forgotten silly things my kids did when they were little.

Right now Nora and Matthew are the littles and I won't have any stories for them when they're older and ask me about the cute funny things they did and said.

I'm going up to try to add a video of Nora telling me a story she wrote about a vampire.

Olivia is about to turn 14. Tomorrow night we have high school registration. I started this blog before an ultrasound could even detect her heartbeat. Time is an interesting thing.

People talk a lot about the teenage years and honestly it's a thousand times harder than I ever could have imagined. I much prefer the days of them wanting all of my attention, to never wanting to talk to me.

So let's talk about the little ones. Matthew is a sensory seeker, hilarious, busy, busy little boy. He does not stop. All day long. He goes, goes, goes. He is constantly into something he shouldn't, despite the fact that there is so much he is encouraged to get into. Toys? Why bother, when someone concurrently conveniently left this pet food here for me to throw all over the place. An entire indoor jungle gym? Thanks Mom, but I'd much rather spend my time unraveling all the toilet paper. He's also a very picky eater and is very particular about things being the way he thinks they should be.

As much as a handful that he is, he also brings us so much joy and laughter. We delight in every met milestone, and everyone loves hearing every word he comes up with. He has a mind of his own, for sure, but he's also the first to say sorry, give you a hug, and he lives to hold open doors.

"I knew you were going to do that, Mama!"

2021-01-16T08:43:00.002-08:00

The other day Nora wanted to ride her little tricycle through our neighborhood. She came to a slight incline in the sidewalk and before she could start to struggle, I gave her a little push from behind. She turned to me and said, "I knew you were going to do that, Mama! You always help me." And for some reason those words struck me and brought tears to my eyes.

I wish every problem in her life would be as easy to anticipate as struggling up a hill. I wish she'd always be grateful for my help. But I'm so grateful that she knew I would be there to help her, and I hope I never let her down when she "knows" I'm going to do something.

At the same time I'm comforted by knowing that our struggles are what help us grow. And if I hadn't given her a boost in that moment, her legs would just become all the stronger for going through the struggle. But sometimes it's nice to have the extra push up the hill, and I'm glad she knows I'm always there, ready to help give her that push when she needs it.

2020-06-17T04:09:00.001-07:00

Nora woke up in the middle of the night with some tummy troubles. Our 3am conversation went like this:

Me: "Looks like you're having some tummy troubles."

Nora: "Wait, poop comes from your tummy? I thought that was where the food goes."

Me: "well it is, but then your body turns the food into poop."

Nora, looking like a light bulb just went off above her head, "Now that explains EVERYTHING!"

I'm too tired to even question why that explains everything.

Then as I was helping her get cleaned up and clothes back on she looks into my eyes and says "I think your green eyes are like dragon eyes. I think you can see farther away and you can see Coconuts coming to attack us and you can warn us like, 'Hurry! The coconuts are coming!' Am I right, mom? Can you do that?"

Yup, totally have dragon eyes, now please go to sleep, it's 3am.

2020-05-08T20:11:00.001-07:00

Nora asked for an apple and when I told her that she already had one today, so she'd have wait until tomorrow she cried, "But Mommy, that apple is in my stomach. I don't have an apple in my heart."

Also while showering the other day she came in the bathroom and when I asked who came into the bathroom Nora said, "Uhm, it's me, Eliza speaking."

Right now its the end of a long day, after a long week and my heart is just really full of so much love for my people. My migraines have been really debilitating lately and Olivia has just stepped beyond what anyone could ever ask of a 12 year old. She takes the 2 year old and entertains him while I wait for meds to kick in. She cleans up without being asked. I'm just so proud of the wonderful young woman she's become. We're all really enjoying each others company lately - most of the time.

Abigail did tell me she thinks she is starting to go crazy because she thinks she can hear Binky talking to her. She said his voice sounds Alexa, and as she was telling me she said, "Like right now, he's telling me I shouldn't tell you this, and because I'm telling you he just scoffed at me."

Nathan also said his stuffed animals have started talking to him and even sometimes his clothes.

I'm itching for adventure and can't wait until we can go somewhere. I want to visit NJ, I want to camp. I just want to get out of this heat!

Today we went to the river and the kids found a rope swing. Eliza and Abigail both went on it, but everyone else was too scared. Honestly I was terrified and probably shouldn't have let them, but no one got hurt and all is well that ends well, I suppose.

How we've survived lock down

2020-05-07T07:01:00.003-07:00

I'm trying to write every day. I feel like I used to love writing and I loved knowing my words made people feel something. I want to improve my writing, and as my kids are growing I'm finding I do have some free time to pursue some kind of thought like this. So here is my attempt on Day 1.

We have been "sheltering" at home for almost 8 weeks. The kids have been fairing pretty well. They say the miss school and things if you ask them, but they don't ever mention it if you don't. With the except of the time we drove past the school and all 3 elementary school aged kids yelled out the window, "LET ME OUT! LET ME GO TO DVA!" which made me happy.

There were a few HUGE things we missed out on that I'm still grieving over.
1. Fair - girls worked really hard raising their rabbits and were looking forward to showing them at fair.
2. The city's youth theater play. Olivia and Abigail both got lead roles and were so excited.
3. Olivia's swim team and Shakespeare class/play.
4. Our trip to NJ in May.

Shakespeare will probably be rescheduled, and our trip to NJ will hopefully still happen later in the summer, but it's still disappointing.

I enjoy not having the craziness of having to get kids to school each morning, swim team every day, play practice, gymnastics, etc. In fact, I can't remember the last time I stressed about how I was going to be in 2 places at once, and having to ask someone for help with transporting my kids somewhere. But not having these things also makes me realize how important they were. They were things that brought enjoyment and gave us something to do, and work on. Hopefully I'll complain less, once we can get back to normal. Another plus has been that they've shortened the hours Aaron's pharmacy is open, so he's always home by bedtime now, even when he has to close. I wouldn't mind if they decide to keep these hours forever.

It has really warmed up over the last week or so, which has made it even harder. Fortunately things are starting to open and people are starting to feel comfortable having play dates again. Really the last few weeks my kids have spent more time playing video games and watching Netflix than anything else. And I struggle with that. On the one hand, we're in a global pandemic so why worry about things like screen time. On the other hand, when I look over and see all of my kids faces in a separate device, I can't help but feel like a terrible mother who's letting her children waste their childhoods on things that don't matter, instead of making memories of playing together.

Well now, Nora has joined me and it's a lot harder to write with a 3 year old asking me a million questions so I guess I'll wrap this up.

2020-04-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

I was taking a shower and Nora barged in and pressed her face against the glass and announced, "I can see your body!"

I replied, "Go away!"

"But it's me, Nora."

"I know who you are!"

"Then why did you tell me to go away?"

I love that she is so confident it just can't compute in her mind that I would ask her to go away while I was taking a shower.

Then she asked, "Mom, am I a stinker pot or a butthead?" I told her she was neither of those things. That she was a smart girl. And I asked her why she asked and she said, "Because you say I'm a stinkpot but Olivia says I'm a butthead!"

Nathan can be funny too!

2020-04-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

The other day Aaron took the kids to drive thru for lunch, and there was a police officer in the parking lot. Aaron announced, "I hope everyone is buckled up, because there's a cop right there!" And Nathan replied, "I hope he doesn't arrest me for having my hat on backwards." Jury is still out on whether or not he was serious.

Then tonight I made nachos baked in the oven for dinner and as I took them out of the oven Nathan exclaimed, "Wow! Those nachos are so hot I would take them on a date!" I couldn't believe my ears. He is 8 years old!

2020-04-08T20:46:00.002-07:00

Cute Story Check!

(I've been watching too much tiktok)

Okay so I have this little clay empty tomb, with a small statue of Mary kneeling in front of it, as part of my Easter decorations. Nora picked up Mary and asked who it was.

"That's Mary."

Nora, "Oh I know! Jesus' mom is Mary!"

"Actually, this is a different Mary. This Mary wasn't his mom. It was Mary Magdeline, who was like Jesus' best friend."

Nora pouts and crosses her arms and declares, "I THOUGHT I WAS JESUS' BEST FRIEND!"

Funny Nora at 3.5

2020-03-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hello blog, my old friend. So much to update, but want to write some funny Nora-isms while they're fresh in my mind.

Tonight I started to say prayers with Nora, but she interrupted and said she wanted to say the prayer herself. This is more or less a direct quote, "Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me be obedient, and not be disobedient, and be obedient, so I can be good, and be obedient, and be good and not push anybody and not hurt Matthew, and be obedient, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

And then she wanted to tell ME a story.

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl, named Nora. And she loved playing outside. And one day, she was playing outside and *dramatic pause* JESUS CAME! And Nora said, "Hi, Jesus!" And then Jesus died. And Spinelly was there. And TJ, and Finster, and Gus, and Vince, and (went on to name every single character from Recess) was there. And they called the doctors and police. And the doctors and police came and they gave Jesus a shot, and he comed back to life. THE END!"

Other common Nora phrases - "must" like, "You must like this, Mom!" or "Spencer must love my slide!" And of course, "We MUST be obedient."

The other ones left my mind as soon as I started writing. I need to get better about updating this!

No time like quarantine time, so maybe I'll do a few more updates.

Eliza is 6!

2020-01-20T20:20:00.002-08:00

I can't say enough about this girl. She is something else. I could listen to her thoughtful ramblings forever. I once told her that her face was so interesting to me that I could stare at it forever and never get bored. And I think that meant so much to her because I can't tell you how many times she's asked since then, "Mom, could you really stare at my face forever?"

She has the most thought provoking, google inducing questions. Some even google can't answer. Like, if we always tell her "it's GOOD to make mistakes, and we learn through our mistakes, well then how did Jesus ever learn anything, because he didn't make any mistakes?" She literally asked this a week ago. Any great answers, because, "Well... mistakes aren't the *only* way we learn." didn't really satiate her curiosity.

Tonight when I was putting her to bed I said, "Okay 6 years old, I will tell you six things I love about you." And I rattled off six things and went to give her a kiss goodnight before going to bed myself. And she said, "Wait, how old are you? Okay I'm going to tell you 35 things I love about you!" And while this may have been delaying bedtime tactic, it was a darn good one. And that list was the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Not a single thing was about her. Like cooking dinner for her, or anything that involved her at all. It was things like, "You always try so hard! Even when you fail at your resolutions, do you give up? NO! You just keep trying. That's so good, Mom." I mean, she went hard. "You have a job that you love. And you wake up SO early because you care about people. And you care about us and you care about kids in China. You just really care about people. You always have this smile on your face when your kids are happy. You make sure we always have great birthdays and make us feel so important and special. When someone gets hurt you don't yell at them for doing something wrong, you just make sure they're okay. You have so much faith and you teach us about the Gospel and your spirit just fills my spirit up, like this (moving her hand up higher and higher)." She went on and on and I wish so much I could have recorded it because I can't remember quite everything. Though never giving up was repeated a few times.

She is so caring and one of my favorite things about Eliza is how quick she is to apologize and recognize when she did something wrong. I had an experience when she was a toddler throwing a huge tantrum and I was about to discipline this behavior when the Spirit spoke so clearly to me. "Don't break her spirit. Don't break her. She has a special spirit, she feels things strongly, don't break her spirit." Believe it or not, I had been given the advice before, with my first child, that I had to "break her spirit" and if I didn't I would have trouble her the rest of her life. You show them who's boss when they're toddlers and you won't have to show them again when they're teenagers. Maybe this is true. But it just felt awful to me, and I am so glad I listened to that prompting and have always kept it in mind. Whenever she would throw fits or get upset, I would usually respond with empathy and naming her feelings and helping her work through it. Not that I was 100% perfect at this, but I am so grateful to see the fruits of my efforts in this regard. When Eliza makes a mistake she's the first to admit, apologize, try to make it right, and move on. I pray she keeps this gift forever!

Right before her first birthday, my brother died, and Eliza stayed in NJ with me, while Aaron flew the other kids home. She was such a light to everyone during that time. She happily went to whoever wanted to hold her. She would try her hardest to toddle between two grieving adults, bringing them joy and smiles during the darkest time. I know it could have been any toddling, cute 11 month old that would have distracted us then, but I really believe there is something special about Eliza. Especially as a baby, everyone just LOVED her. And now, anyone who takes the time to get to know her and see past her sass, also fall in love.

She is also so empathetic and caring. When someone is hurt she will be the first trying to cheer them up.

She is still obsessed with her "night night" and she does this thing where she rubs her face with her blanket and kind of sucks on her lip. I'm not even sure what she's doing, she calls it "mmmm-ing" and she can't quit it. Even though it's rubbed the enamel completely off her teeth (thank goodness they're baby teeth and hopefully when they fall out she won't be able to "mmm" anymore and break the habit before her adult teeth grow in!).

Yesterday we were playing basketball and I told her that I think it's too high for any 5 year old to be able to make a basket, but she wanted to try anyway. I told her, "Okay, but it's really all in the legs." "I know, Mom! I know. Alll...in... the legs..." She crouched down then jumped up and shot, and it went right in! Then she did it again! 2 in a row. She was beaming. "Maybe I could be on a basketball team, afterall!"

I need to go to bed, but really I could write a novel about this girl and the funny things she says and the wonderful things she does.

2020-01-11T05:53:00.000-08:00

Just a general life update of things I don't want to forget. The holidays were good. Though we have had the longest string of rotten luck this year. It started with roof rats. Which led to finding out about termites. And then a random window just falling out of our house. No one was hurt, it was fine. But very unusual and the window guy wanted to take a picture of it because he always tells people it could happen (some glue thingy dried out and failed. Supposedly the windows from this place will never do that because they use something different.) but he's never actually seen it happen, and this picture could help him sell a lot of windows. Go for it, dude. And then there was this little dude causing some trouble that ended up costing us $1,000. (Won't go into details publicly, but if you want to know just ask.) I can't even remember everything else, but basically since August we have not had a month where an extra $1,000 didn't just *poof* away. So that was fun. But we still had a great Christmas, and enjoyed time with family and actually what I want to remember most this Christmas is how peaceful it truly was. The kids ALL played so well together all day. Not a single argument or fight. It was magical and just a great day. Which ended with pestilence and the plague. Okay -- just strep throat and a weird virus.

Honestly we've been sick since a bit before Christmas, Abigail with strep throat, and then Aaron and I with strep throat. Olivia, Nathan, Matthew, and Nora all down with a weird virus that included a fever and rash. But at last, I think today is the first in about a month that we're all healthy *knock on wood*.

Matthew putting this toy house on his head and walking around making everyone laugh.

"Look Mom, I'm a little roof!"

Of all the sick kids, she was the sickest. Poor girl had a fever for a week and just wanted to snuggle all day every day.

New Years Even with friends.

Yuma did an aweome new years eve activity for families, and they had these sketchy characters there. But honestly, the little kids were just as excited as if we were at Disneyland.

On Christmas Eve we bake all day. Made the best snickerdoodles ever.

Things I Learned in 2019.

2020-01-07T19:37:00.002-08:00

I've spent the last 24 beating myself up for already blowing my New Years Resolution. And guess what. It has nothing to do with dieting, cleaning, or reading. My single, solitary resolve was to be at all obligated places. I wanted 100%. I wanted to be at every single thing I was supposed to be at. I really didn't think I was asking that much of myself. Because literally that's it. And that's like a thing most humans are doing... right? And I made a list of all the things I missed in 2019 and man, I felt horrible about it, and myself. And so I solemnly swore, this year I wouldn't miss anything. I got myself a new planner and wrote everything down. I put everything from my written calendar into my phone. I started using Aaron's old smartwatch so the reminder would be in my face. And guess what happened on January 6th. I missed a 4-H meeting. I don't even want to go into the embarrassing details of how on Friday, January 3rd I was apologizing to a leader for missed meetings and promising her that we will be at everything else from now on! Because I recognize me missing meetings, means extra work for her. And that's not fair. And I gave a whole speech about that, while picking up some paperwork, that I should have gotten at the LAST meeting. I guess went into the embarrassing details. Anyway, 3 days later and I miss a meeting. A meeting I had written down. And in my phone. But that doesn't help when my phone is dead. Anyway, I spiraled. I spiraled right to the Bad Place. And made physical lists of all the things I missed last year. It was so long, guys. Embarrassingly long.

So my next attempt to help me get over this problem is --- I don't even know. Asking for more help. Writing sticky notes and putting them in my car and on my fridge? Taking some supplements that help with memory? I'd say scale back from activities, but honestly we're not doing that much! Swim team for one kid, 4-H for 2 kids, and church activities throughout the week. Of course there are parent teacher conferences, homeschool co-op, awards assemblies, doctor's appointments, etc. Like I said, I don't think there's much room for scaling back. So here we are. I suck at remembering things. Like I really truly worry that I have some kind of early onset dementia. However, I remember people really well. Names, stories, even birthdays. But a doctor's appointment next Monday? Forget it. Anyway, I'm ready to forgive myself and move on. And as I was doing the dishes tonight I started to realize the many ways I have grown since last year.

1 - I decided to stop dying my hair. I've written about this already, but it's really been life changing. It's given me confidence in other areas of my life as well. It feels amazing to embrace myself, exactly as I am, right now. Which brings me to my next lesson...

2- Healthy At Every Size and rejecting Diet Culture. My body is the heaviest it's been in a long time. And I am so okay with that. Sometimes I eat my feelings, and I am so okay with that. I severely injured my foot in August and all exercise ceased until the last few weeks. And that's okay! I genuinely love and feel gratitude for my body. It has made and nourished 5 entire humans. It has served me well in all I try to accomplish. It is soft and supple and I no longer wish for it to be smaller and firmer. Somehow I've stopped comparing myself to every skinny woman I see. Somehow I've stopped staring at myself in the mirror from different angles and sucking in twisting and measuring and mentally beating myself up for the "extra" food I'd eaten that day. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, but overall, in general, I have this newfound love for myself and I wish every woman I know could feel this way.

3 - A less philosophical change, but still a big thing from this year, I finally feel like I am winning the war against laundry. I listened to an audiobook (A Slob Comes Clean) and she suggests a laundry day and just getting it all done in one day. I've tried this before, but it never got done in one day. I decided to try doing it on a Sunday, since I don't do any other housework on Sundays, and we don't go anywhere besides church. It has worked so well for me, and I have struggled HARD with laundry. The hardest part, was of course folding and putting away. Somehow or another I made this task non-negotiable. The main way I did that was eliminating laundry baskets. It does create more work, because I can only carry one child's laundry at a time. But, the second I put clothes in a laundry basket my brain categorizes them as "away". And they never get truly put away. But if I fold them and leave them on the floor, I need to put them away or a small child will undo all of my hard work in no time at all. Of course with 6 kids, it truly never ends, but this is the best I've ever been (at laundry).

I thought I had more to say, but I guess that's it. Gray hair, fat, and good at laundry! It's the circle of life...

2019-11-26T05:16:00.001-08:00

Nora at 3 years old is the most adorable human to ever grace this planet. Also the most sensitive and most clingy. So you take the good with the difficult, right? Just some cuteness I never want to forget.

Preparing Friendsgiving dinner and had out some heavy whipping cream. Nora asked me what it was. I told her it was heavy cream. She picked up and held it above her head and proclaimed, "It's not heavy to me, Mama!"

Matthew is always getting into trouble and keeping us on our toes. He is an escape artist and a climber and just a very energetic 2 year old. And still so tiny. He is adding new words to his vocabulary every day - but at almost 2.5 he still hasn't said mom. Here is a list of words he has said:

Thorton
Daddy
Eliza
Owie
Cracker
Water
Milk
Teacher
School
Shoes
Car
Door
Bye
Awww
TV
TIME! (baby signing time)
Cookie
Cereal
Buckle
Olivia
Abby
Book
Cow
Stop
Go

Seriously! All these words but not mama. And I know (trust me, baby #6, I KNOW) once he says I will be like, "Okay enough!" but it's not like he doesn't try to get my attention. He just howls and yells generic attention grabbing sounds until I look at him and he tells me what he wants. And eveyr time I tell him to say "mama"... some day!

Him and Nora are always hugging and playing and usually getting into trouble together. Nora will copy his behaviors and it drives me nuts. But I do love to see them playing together more and more.

That time we drove across the country and back again.

2019-07-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month we left on an epic trip to visit my family in NJ. We left on a Monday morning and made it there by Wednesday night. Long days in the car, but we had a great time, for the most part. The only real stressful times were at the end of the day, unloading everyone and everything to stay in a hotel to try to sleep for a few hours.

We had a great trip. The kids had a blast seeing everyone. We went to the beach, the water park, Chuck e cheese, breakfast at Nanny's, paddle boarding at Jackie's, swimming at my aunts', and lots of quality grandparent time for the kids and my parents. Aaron and I went to see Jimmy Eat World and Third Eye Blind at PNC Bank. It was a lot of fun.

One funny memory - we played this game on the way out, "Word Dominoes". You say a word, then the next person says a word that is somehow related to your word, and so on.

"Spider"
"Web"
"Internet"
"Computer"
"Library"
"Books"
... and so on.

We were having a good time playing it with the oldest 4, but Nora desperately wanted to play along. Except she is 3. So she just kept randomly yelling, "GARBAGE TRUCK!" which made us all laugh hysterically.

On the way home we stopped in North Carolina to hang out with my sister. We also stopped and saw friends from medical school days, and spent the night with them. Then we listened to Lake Pontachatrain, while driving over Lake Pontchatrain, which was amazing. We ate alligator in New Orleans. We saw where Aaron served his mission in Houston, TX. We toured the Blue Bell Factory. We saw the Alamo. Then we drove for 17 more hours.

just some memories

2019-05-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

I went to the car wash yesterday. Nora loves to "help" me with the vacuum and the compressed air thingy, so she was out of her seat bouncing around the car. I was finishing up and it was time to get her back in her seat. She was in the driver's seat and I told her to go get in her seat. I walked around the van to the passenger door, where I could buckle her in. But she wasn't there. I look back in the front and she's not there either. "Nora!" I call out. No answer. I look around under the seats. Don't see her, so now I'm afraid she's hopped out the driver side and took off somewhere. So I'm looking around outside the car, just as a worker happens to be walking by. I am panicking at this point, as I tell him I can't find my 2 year old. He sprints off and pushes some emergency stop button that then causes alarms to start blaring. I'm yelling, in bewilderment at this point. Like, where could she have gone in the literal 30 seconds it took me to walk around the van? And then she pops her head up from under a blanket in the passenger side foot well area. With a huge smile on her face, thinking she was just hilarious. The whole incident was less than 5 minutes, but it kept me reeling all day.

Then we were driving to Eliza's preschool graduation and the weather has been abnormally cold lately. Eliza's comments on this:

"Mom, sometimes when I'm cold I wish I could be hot. But when I'm hot, I wish I was cold! Like, when I'm so hot I feel like a ball of dough, I just wish I could be a Popsicle. It's so hard to be the right temperature! Only one day was it the perfect weather. Just ONE DAY! ("What day is that?") TURKEY DAY! On Turkey Day it was the perfect weather. I wasn't too hot and I wasn't too cold. But it okay because Turkey Day will come again."

She really is an absolute riot and I should write down more of what she says. She is insightful and hilarious. However on the way home she then said something heartbreaking. So during her performance she looked absolutely miserable up on the stage. I asked her why she looked so sad up there, expecting her to maybe say something about stage fright, but no. She says, "It's just that sometimes I feel like you're not really my mom. Like I don't even have a mom. And I just feel like I'm all alone." Uhm, WHAT! I have no idea how she could feel this way, but if you ever wanted to know exactly what to say to someone to make them feel the worst mom guilt imaginable - those are the words you need. I tried to get her to clarify but she was pretty clear. I see some more one on one time in our future.

643 days later...

2019-05-14T05:00:00.002-07:00

Abigail came into our room tonight at about 2:45am because she has a fever. I got her some medicine and sent her back to bed, and then tossed and turned for an hour. I went to bed at 9, and was asleep before 10, because of just sheer exhaustion. So now feeling more rested, my mind is just racing with all the thoughts of the day. So many thoughts, feelings, emotions, swirling around inside my head, sleep is just not even close to an option. Though I hate starting a day before 3:00am, I really enjoy this quiet peaceful time in my home.

Anyway, I wanted to write some of the thoughts and feelings of this day. A different kind of birth story. What a journey it has been. There is always an element of sadness when someone becomes an adoptive parent. It's of course, happy and joyful and exciting. But there is an undertone of loss. It's not ALL happy, like when a new baby is born into a family. No judgement for this feeling, just acknowledging that it's there.

I think I've shared some of these thoughts and parts of Matthew's story before, but I'm going to put it all in one place anyway. When we first got the call about a baby boy needing a home, I immediately said yes. And then called Aaron to make sure it was, indeed, yes. Just two days prior, I had been talking to my sister-in-law telling her how I wished someone would just call and tell me they had a baby boy for me. This phone call felt so serendipitous.

I excitedly pulled out the baby boy clothes I'd been saving since Nathan was a baby. Got the bassinet next to our bed, and of course called everyone we know to tell them we were getting a baby! Then we waited to hear again from the social worker. And waited. And waited. No one ever called again, and before 5, I decided to call them and see what I needed to do. It did not occur to me that they could have given the baby to someone else. Apparently the way it works is that once DCS has custody of a child, they let all the agencies know. The agencies contact their families, and whoever gets back to DCS first is typically who gets the child. In this case, our agency was not first to get back to them, and Matthew went to another foster family. When the social worker apologized for not getting back to me, but that another family was taking the baby, I was so confused. I had no clue that was how it worked. I remember telling her it was okay, but I was choking back tears. Even though I hadn't lost anything, it felt like a loss. I decided to let myself grieve a little bit. But I couldn't shake the feeling that this baby was already meant to be mine. I prayed on my knees so hard that night, and for a long time the next day. I went about all I had to do for the day, but could not stop thinking about this baby boy I had never met.

Two more days went by like this. I still hadn't brought myself to put away the clothes and bassinet. I never stopped praying or thinking about the baby boy. And then on Friday I got called to sub at my kids school. While I was there my phone rang, and even though I shouldn't have, I answered it. It was the same social worker, "Are you still interested in that baby boy? The other foster family changed their minds." Tears immediately stung my eyes and I choked out a, "Yes. Yes, of course!" And because I just overshare in general I started telling the social worker all about this connection I'd already felt, and how I'd been praying for the last 3 days. She was very gracious in listening to me babble, and then told me someone from the hospital would be calling me to let me know the details.

The anxiety of that day is still palpable. I was subbing for a special ed teacher who went to different classrooms to work with students. It was good, because I got to keep moving and staying busy, but had time between kids to check my phone incessantly. No one from the hospital ever called. I called my licensing worker and excplained what was going on and asked what I should do. She wasn't sure either, and I told her I was going to just go to the hospital as soon as school was over. She said that was probably fine. I called Nancy and asked her if her daughter, my babysitter, could stay after school and watch them while I went to pick up a baby at the hospital. What a long day that was for the poor babysitter.

I showed up at the hospital with my infant carseat washed and ready to go. I walked up to labor and delivery and explained who I was. The front desk person had no idea, so she called the hospital social worker. She came and greeted me, and knew exactly who I was there for. She explained on our walk back to the NICU that there was some mix-up with messages, and she didn't know another foster family had been called. She was glad I decided to just show up. She explained that Matthew (the first time I heard his name!) had been really fussy, had some trouble with feeding, and the other family was just too overwhelmed. She led me to his tiny bed, and there was the tiniest baby I had ever seen. He was sleeping, but I asked if I could pick him up. She said of course. And I scooped up all 5lbs of him and just melted. I studied his tiny features and my mind just raced. How could anyone given this baby up? What was his story? I looked up and saw the social worker, and NICU nurses all gathered around, and one wiping a tear from her eyes. They explained a bit about the other family, but they could already tell how comfortable I was holding him. Initially they wanted him to stay another night in the NICU, to make sure I knew how to take care of him, but after watching me hold him, change him and feed him they changed their minds. They got the doctor to check him out, and after hours of snuggling, we were able to leave. The first place I went was Fry's. With my new 5 day old baby, so I could buy formula, and show Aaron our new baby. It was dark by the time I got home, and honestly the rest is a blur. I had very little information about why this baby was removed. I was initially told there would be no visits, and there was no family who was able to care for him. It felt like this was actually going to be our baby.

The next day a social worker came to our house and explained there would be supervised visits 3 times a week with the bio dad, and 3 times a week with the bio mom. They couldn't be together because they both had restraining orders, etc. This is a messy part of Matthew's story, and part I probably shouldn't publish on a public blog. But the thoughts of this being our baby were quickly dashed. It seemed possible and even likely that Matthew would be reunited with his dad.

And then there were aunts and grandparents.

Looked even less likely Matthew would be with us forever.

Yet, I couldn't deny or shake the connection from that very first phone call. We went to court 4 times, each time hoping we wouldn't lose him, but terrified we might. There was a period I was honestly rooting for his dad to really get it together. It was clear he loved his son. Unfortunately, love isn't all it takes.

The emotions during this year are strange. Is there way to stop from getting "too attached"? Aaron had a sacred experience where he got his confirmation that Matthew was truly our son. And yet, still it was hard to not be afraid. There is this guard you try to put up, but it's impossible. Especially with our sweet Matthew. To know him, truly is to love him.

The scariest court date was when an aunt had come forward and wanted to take Matthew to Texas. They would have moved him when he was 6 months old, but his dad was still doing his visits and doing well, the judge didn't move him. Same story 6 months later. But then dad's rights were severed and this aunt was still fighting for him. So we make it to yet another court date, expecting the aunt to be there, and likely having to say goodbye to our almost 18 month old son. And she wasn't there. She didn't get a bus ticket on time, and the bus was sold out. Mom's rights were severed and we moved forward in total shock. Grateful, but completely shocked.

Then we waited to get a court date for the final adoption hearing. A date we were never sure would come. A date that we are planning our entire summer around. Getting the email with that date was significant. May 13th. A day we'll celebrate forever. And of course celebrated today with a party with our friends, who are like family, here in Yuma.

When it looked like the aunt was going to get Matthew, I told Nathan one night, hoping to prep him a little bit. Honestly, Nathan didn't pay Matthew much attention most of the time, so I was surprised when he burst into tears crying, "No! No! They can't take him away!" Of course I then burst into tears and hug him and tell him again it might not happen, but it is possible and we should be prepared. This morning as we were getting ready to go to court Nathan said, "Mom, I can't believe it's really happening. I actually have a brother now. I never thought I would have a brother." *cue tears.

The kids did pretty good. Eliza thought the 15 minute, anticlimactic court hearing was way too long, and Nora had to go potty, but overall they did great. When we were being sworn in they asked the Opies to stand and raise their right hands. Aaron was whispering, "No, no no..." And I was like, "What? Am I using the wrong hand? Are we supposed to do it seperately? Why are you saying no right now?" Apparently all of our kids were also standing and raising their hands to be sworn in.

A day at the river and funny Nora ...

2019-04-19T17:03:00.004-07:00

Nora has been stuck to me like glue. I needed some space. So I put on a show for her then went in my room and locked the door (like all good moms). Not five minutes later, there is a knock on my door. "Go awayyy!" I moaned. The small voice talking into the crack of the door replied, "No, it's just me, Nora. Mommy, it's just me, Nora." And of course the cuteness of that was enough to get me to unlock my door and allow her to resume her position of trying to crawl back into my uterus.

But we did dye easter eggs today. And we played at the river. And we set up the bounce house/water slide thing. So I don't feel too terrible about trying to lock myself in my room.

Going gray

2019-02-26T12:39:00.001-08:00

I guess I feel like I need to write this in order to avoid possible awkward conversations. But by writing this, there is a good chance I'm creating even more opportunities for awkward conversations. Whatever. These thoughts keep swirling around my head and until I put them to paper they won't stop.

My mom found my first gray hair before I was even in my teens. She found it hilarious and unbelievable that there was a gray hair on my head. But, she reminded me, Mary was born with her first gray hair. She plucked it out, and I didn't think much of it. Then by the time I was teenager there were several grays popping up here and there. I didn't think it was a sign of aging since I knew I was only 16. And they weren't very visible. Though around this time I did start highlighting my hair. If I wasn't having it professionally done, I was using sun-in and laying out in the backyard, like every other teenage girl of the 00's. There was also the time my mom and I got a new box at the drugstore and my hair turned bright orange. Sebastian's fixed me right up. The point is, back then dying my hair was for fun and it helped my lack of confidence I had in myself back then. Nothing a fresh cut and color to make a girl feel fantastic.

Fast forward throughout my 20's, and the grays increased, but I never knew by how much because dying my hair had become a regular thing. Sometimes from a box, sometimes a splurge at the salon. But stopping never seemed like an option. I told myself I enjoyed it. "Self care". It was fun to change it up once in a while. My hair had been every natural shade from blonde, to almost black, with occasional reds thrown in once in a while.

Entering my 30's, I played around with the idea of just letting it go gray. I posted a picture of my roots on Instagram and asked for honest opinions. The overall response was "DYE IT!" With a few exceptions who said I should whatever makes me feel comfortable and happy. I decided to dye it.

Then my daughters (9 and 7) started asking me if they could dye their hair. They both have gorgeous hair with natural highlights. I told them, "No way. God made your hair to match you just right... but maybe when you're older if you still want to."

"Well then why do you dye your hair? Didn't God make your hair just the right color?" Kids will always call you on your hypocrisy.

"I have to dye my hair. It's gray. When your hair is gray then you can talk to me about dying it." As the words left my lips I internally cringed. When did dying my hair stop being about "self-care" and become something I had to do.

I asked Aaron what he thought about me not dying my hair anymore.

"Whatever babe. You can never stop being beautiful to me, no matter what color your hair is." I knew I married him for a reason. Seriously, he is the best.

So it's been a few months now since I last dyed my hair. I tried a few times before but then always when it got to about where it is now, I would dye it again. This is the longest I've ever gone without dying my hair.

And when I see how much gray I have I am astonished. But I'm also, like, really excited. I don't know how to explain it.

To me, my gray hair is a physical reminder of the time I've been alive. Each day really is a gift, and getting old is a privilege denied to many. So I am grateful for the visual reminder of aging.

Then there's this feeling of self acceptance. This is me. This is who I am. I do not need to cover it up. I don't need to apologize to anyone for having to look at my gray hair. I literally had to stop myself from doing this.

I also feel like a trendsetter. Just a couple of years ago I literally felt like going gray was not even an option. I couldn't even consider it. "Why would you let yourself look like that? A box of hair dye literally costs like $8." This was the tape inside my head. I want to be an example for other woman, to let them know, Hey this is an option! And you can still look and feel beautiful. That was another reason I had given my girls. That dying my hair helped me feel good about myself. Their thoughtful questions, "Why don't you feel good about yourself if your hair is gray?" really got me thinking.

So there you have it. A million reasons why I'm done dying my hair.

I supposed a blog post like this deserves a picture. This one doesn't quite do my gray justice, but its the best I've got. My hair grows incredibly slow, so I am sure it will be a long time before my decision is really that obvious.

When life is absolutely insane sometimes I just stop and write...

2019-02-15T17:42:00.001-08:00

This is one of those times. And I don't have much time to write but I'm going to write as much as I can before someone needs something. Someone always needs something.

Aaron's dad had a stroke last week. Apparently there are lots of sub-categories when it comes to strokes, and his was of the really bad variety. He is still with us, but recovering very, very slowly. I won't go into all of the details of what's going on, but he is still in the ICU. So the day of The Stroke, I also had an appointment for Matthew with a developmental pediatrician. So Aaron went to Mesa to be with his family and I went to Tucson, and my life-saver BFF, Nancy took care of everyone else.

Matthew is slightly developmentally delayed but they didn't give me any kind of diagnosis besides that. Recommended I follow up with ENT for his mouth breathing. And their test results showed his language is about a 9 month old development, but his cognitive ability was at 15 months (he's 18 months) so I was happy to hear that. And he is talking more and more every day, and understanding more as well. One of their "concerns" was that he didn't play appropriately with toys. Like they wanted him to feed this bear with a fake spoon. He threw the bear across the room. Then threw the food. In his defense, that might sometimes be what it looks like when I feed all of these children.

So Aaron spent two days in Mesa. Then worked for two days. Then we packed up and went back to Mesa for two days. Then we went to Disneyand. Disneyland has been planned for a few months, and we didn't get travelers insurance, so figured Dad would want us to go anyway. So we went. And it was great. Overall. There were hard moments. Eliza was sick with a fever and sore throat. Nora threw up in the car on the way there. But we laughed until our bellies hurt, and the last day the crowds were so low we were able to walk on most rides. Which is always a rare treat at Disneyland. I literally had to spend all day yesterday doing as little as possible to gear up for this weekend.

What's this weekend, you ask. Well, I'm driving back up to Mesa to see Dad and visit Mom. And the kids are off from school on Monday as well so we'll spend some time Saturday-Monday. Then I'm bringing Ammon and Ruth's kids home with me so they can enjoy Ammon's graduation from chiropractic college without worrying about lugging the kids along. Then next weekend I'll bring them back home (or possibly meet someone in Gila Bend because Saturday night is a daddy daughter dance that Aaron really wants to bring the girls to).

So I'm sitting here next to a suitcase and a pile of laundry. The last two weeks have been so crazy with so much traveling. And next week will be crazy with cousin fun. And then we'll have a couple of weeks of peace, I hope. Then I'm taking Olivia to Universal Studios for her birthday. And then the kids are off the first week of April, and we'll probably spend it in Mesa.

It is crazy how life can change in an instant. My mother and father-in-law had plans to come with us to Disneyland. They had errands they were going to run that day before they left. They were supposed to be going to Ammon's graduation together next week. It's just so hard and so sad. I keep thinking about how we chug on through life, and have no clue when some major thing will happen and just change everything. Can't dwell on that too much, but it's hard not to when something like this happens and that reality kind of slaps you in the face.

Here's some pictures of disneyland.

Eliza is 5!

2019-02-02T05:16:00.001-08:00

Eliza turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. We celebrated 3 times. We happened to be in Mesa the weekend before her birthday so we had a last minute cousin party. Then on her actual birthday I made her a special dessert, she got the special birthday treatment, and we had a pretty great day. Then she had her birthday party with friends from school and church and lucky for us, cousins again! She has the funniest little mind. Here are some funny recent quotes,

"Now that we had my party - I'm OFFICIALLY 5!" -- apparently the first two celebrations were nothing.

"Mom - I just love Satan a teenie tiny bit. Like, I think he'll be fine, once he just calms down." -- This one had me stifling my laughter so much. I wasn't even sure how to handle this. I just see it as her sweet way of seeing the good in everything. But also, how she freaks out sometimes and then calms herself down pretty quickly (most of the time).

"Mom, is it okay if I love you more than Jesus? I know I should love Jesus more than anyone, but I love you a tiny bit more." Yes, yes that is okay darling one. I love how much this girl loves Jesus though. She talks to Him a lot and reminds me a lot of my childhood self.

This one is from a few weeks ago after I told her we were going to go play with her best friends (who had recently turned 5). "Kimi and Kami don't even care about me anymore. Why would they care about a 4 year old when they're 5?!" She was happy to see that they did indeed still care about her. But she was absolutely thrilled to turn 5 and make their bond that much stronger.

Though she has been wishing she could turn back time so she can turn 5 again. She has loved getting cards, going shopping and all of the parties. I really will miss this girl so much when she goes to kindergarten in August.

2019-01-17T18:56:00.005-08:00

I do a lot of stuff wrong as a mom. I yell when I should probably hug. I don't give time outs when I probably should. And I shut down emotionally when I should I probably open up.

But I think I do fun really well.

The other day it rained here. That is a rarity here in Yuma so it always brings happiness to almost everyone. I took Nora and Matthew with me to the gym, and when it was getting close to time to leave I decided to leave a few minutes earlier than I had to so that we could jump in all the puddles on the way to the car.

When we're walking through a store and Eliza proclaims that stepping on a red tile means you die, and a purple tile is worth extra life, you bet I'll hop on one foot to avoid the red tile like the plague.

When we walk past a ledge, I can't help but climb up and balance across -- with my little kids following behind.

Messes don't bother me much. Taking time to have fun is always worth it.

I hope and pray that this is what my kids remember when they grow up, instead of the yelling and craziness.

The Court Story

2019-01-14T05:26:00.000-08:00

I am not sure how much I'm legally allowed to share, but I don't remember them saying the whole thing about this being closed and not to say anything so I'm assuming it's fine. I'll leave out names and stuff just in case, but I want to document everything for my own memories.

I have spent countless hours stressing about testifying. Honestly I was more worried about that than losing Matthew. I was fairly confident no judge would send my baby away to someone he hardly knew - though we all hear the horror stories, so I had a smidge of doubt. I was just scared of what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, how it might hurt his bio mom's feelings, etc. etc.

So my heart was just racing as Aaron and I sat holding hands in the car before going into the courthouse. As usual with court, Aaron's hands were cold as ice. Apparently that's what happens when he's super nervous. I held his icy hand to my cheek and look into his eyes and told him we were going to be okay. We said a prayer and I felt oddly peaceful.

Once we got into the courthouse I immediately took note that no one from mom's side was there. No aunt, no mom, no lawyer. We were brought into the court room where I half expected to see them, but no one was there. We waited a little over a half hour and only the lawyer showed up. She apologized that she told her client court started at 9, because she had mistakenly wrote down 9 herself. So we continued to wait, and wait for what felt like forever. I started fuming inside that they were giving her so much time, asked people to call her etc. However the judge finally decided to just proceed. He also informed us that the aunt could not get bus tickets because the tickets were sold out when she tried to buy them on Monday. Just hearing that was like a huge weight lifted. I also couldn't help but see Heavenly Father's hand so clearly in this journey. Not only were we going to get to keep Matthew, but I didn't even have to step foot on the stand.

As we continued to go through the legal proceedings I had the thought of what an odd labor this was. Obviously not pregnant - and not a perfect analogy at all - but the feelings of waiting, anticipation of a person joining your family, those were all there. I also don't understand legal jargon very well at all and I was only half sure of what was happening.

The lawyer for the State motioned to just forgo the trial, keep the baby where is he, and proceed without going through with the trial. The judge agreed, and even though I just summed that up, that's not exactly what was said, and so I was looking over at the lawyers and the one lawyer who is the baby's GAL, who I've had the most contact with, looked at me and told me to breathe now. I cried and breathed, and cried.

The baby's paternal grandmother came to court just to be there, for us. I was so touched by that and grateful to have her there. She gave me a huge hug after and thanked me and told me how wonderful I am and how glad she is that we'll get to keep him. She came back to our house afterwards and played with the baby for a bit and brought him Christmas presents and spoiled my own kids with lots of candy. She is such a sweetheart and I'm excited to have her as part of family as well.

I won't lie. Until we have that official adoption paperwork complete there is a bit of a cloud of fear still hanging over our heads. I know it's completely unnecessary, and everything that's left is just technical stuff, but I can't wait until it's all completely over.

But for now we're celebrating. For the last 17 months we've juggled bio parent visits. Our entire lives have revolved around accommodating this visit schedule. Making sure he was perfectly clean, well dressed and ready to go on time. Often to find out at the last minute that the visit was canceled. Or forgetting about a visit and the stress of not having him "visit ready" and worrying if a call would be put in to DCS because he had a wet diaper or food on his clothes (which YES has happened). Even 4 year old Eliza asked, "So this means no more visits??" and was thrilled to find out that yes, no more visits.