shade of grey

married!

2013-07-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

so it has been a long, long time since i have gotten onto this thing. i am not quite sure if anyone still reads this, but for those few, here is a little update....

changes lately:
- we planned a wedding in 7 weeks
- sent out 700 invitations
- almost 500 people attended both celebrations
- we had an amazing honeymoon
- we moved into the cutest place in the cutest town
- we are even more in love than we thought possible!
{nutshell version}

being married to the right person is the best feeling.
i remembering seeing couples throughout my life who really loved, cared and shared the same goals of etermal marriage was something i have always wanted to emulate in my own marriage and until june 1st, i have experienced it first hand. brady is the most loving, caring, sweetest, most gentle, sincere, kind, humble, benevolent, smartest, and so many other very important "ests" man i have ever known. there are many near and dear thoughts i have of him that i'll try to spare for the public, but needless to say, i sure am blessed to be his wife.

i'm so grateful jackson has such an amazing example to look up to -- brady loves jackson and jackson sure loves brady. he is so patient with jackson, so loving and gives him lots of attention. i love seeing their relationship bloom.

at our rehearsal dinner, my very best friend i have had since i was four was asked to speak by the crowd unexpectedly. when she got up to talk, she became emotional talking about how she has known me better than any other friend and has been by my side through it all. she started talking about how i would make collages for friends, serve my friends, do anything for my friends but never has she seen a man that is just like me and when she saw that herself, she knew brady was the one. brady does all that and much more. i really feel so lucky!

not sure if i will continue this blog, but for now, this is what's going on.

where i got my dress - illume gowns
where we got married - LOS ANGELES TEMPLE
if you would like to see some of our bridals my sister took, click here.
if you would like to see some pictures from our wedding and reception, click here.
both photographers were extremely talented and both used film so the quality is excellent!

xxoo
melissa

engagements

2013-04-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

my talented sister elise

with eliselphotography

took our engagements at a field in south orange county.

weekend with jackson

2013-04-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

we picked up jackson right after he had practice, and surprised him with

"a very happy unbirthday" items,

a new travel pillow and lots and lots of hugs & kisses.

it felt so good to get him back.

we went to dinner and met the hagbloms up for ice cream after driving around the city.

the next morning, we watched his tee-ball game.

it was pretty cute.

the kids were playing with the bases, all running for the ball, running behind the fence trying to tag the opposing team with the ball, cones on their heads...

but jack impressed us!

he is the oldest so he is a little bit more into it than his teammates.

he has a great arm and hustles.

we loved sitting on the grass, photographing his game.

the hagbloms made it to jackson's game, so jack was over the moon about dexter being there.

his bugs were toted to the game and watched him play.

after we went over to brittany's parents estate

in el dorado hills and swam, had lunch and relaxed.

raspberry kisses

we discovered pretty hills filled with lavender.

we went to church with them, had lunch, and brittany made cookies.

i asked jackson if he wanted one of her cookies and he said before i took this,

"no thanks, i'm off sugar this week"

right before dropping him off, we took him to dinner and said our goodbyes.

it is never easy to say goodbye.

i love this little boy more than he could ever know.

remember when...

2013-04-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

brady and i met at the same friend's birthday party.

that is where we officially spoke to one another!

february 13, 2011

we even got a picture of our first night

then...

i flew off to get jackson and got a picture of it on valentines day

we all went to disneyland, you and justin made this for me at the lego store

suspenders, glasses and candy later...

we went on our first date under the stars

and it was romantic and fun.

we were just beginning to date and went to san diego via train from LA, saw a Padres game, got matching shirts, walked around Seaport Village

you tried Romanos for the first time!

i made us a picnic as we watched the la jolla fliers

you tried Yard House for the first time and you loved it!

one weekend, jackson and i were flying out together and you picked us up for the airport. you had made me and jackson our own dinners, brought us our favorite drinks and you

even made me brownie edges and then, right there, i knew i loved you.

jack would draw pictures and you were already in them.

one night we went to disneyland again, and took jack this time.

you also ran into yogurtland and spent $9 on both of our yogurts.

you got exactly what i wanted.

we went camping at trails 6 with the family!
we went surfing, got donuts.

we went whale watching...
and then walked around newport, played games, you and jack had the biggest snow cone
and then went to that newport wedding reception and played in the photobooth.

that was just the beginning. 2011

so engaged

2013-04-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

planning a wedding is a lot of fun but also a lot of work.

how exciting it is to be planning a life with someone you will be with forever...

it's really an indescribable feeling. we have learned even more about each other in this process of planning a wedding.

for example:

we registered at a few places...

one being target. he is very, very practical.

i on the other hand have a non-practical side...

he wanted to get the bare minimum and the least expensive.

he would spend 25 minutes on the plate isle reading about each set, quality, look...

while he was there, i took the gun to get an E.P.T. test, a few camping necessities and probably 15 other things in that same amount of time. he then ended up reviewing it, realizing he had some work editing it when we got home :)

balance in a relationship is good.

we are always so good with reaching a compromise where we are both happy with how we are.

{the diet coke cases have now been removed}

during our four-hour trip to target, i was trying to break in new shoes for the wedding rehearsal dinner we got the week previous. my feet started to hurt during the first 5 minutes of walking around that he sweetly switched my shoes with his so he could help me break them in.

he was so cute. i almost lost it by laughing at his danty feet and my water ski flip flops but then would look over at him not caring what people thought and kept thinking, how i have lucked out.

he is my lobster (friends reference)

we have so much more to do everyday to prepare for the wedding.

i want this celebration to be everything brady has dreamt of within our small budget.

i think it will be. we have so many great, wonderful and lovely friends who are overflowing with talent, so it will be incredible.

we feel blessed.

right before my sister elise did our engagement pictures,

brady gave me this ring!

we custom designed it together and it came out perfectly.

it's rose gold with diamonds on the sides and a halo around the center.

it's as small as the band could get.

i cannot stop staring at it.

it is so fun to wear it. i catch myself just looking at it or being surprised when i see it on the left side.

sweet finn baby came to the shoot.

illume gowns!

2013-04-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

the talented sarah sanburg has an amazing wedding dress company called

ILLUME GOWNS.

i had a list of everything i could dream of for a wedding dress and she made it happen.

it is so difficult to find a tasteful, conservative wedding dress so going to her was completely stress-free.

she talked to me about what i was looking for, paid much attention to my wants, my needs, my taste and helped me pick out the best dress. i could not have imagined a more perfect wedding dress.

i love the names she picked out for her collection.

each dress is layered many times, modest, fabric from all over the world,

each carefully crafted to suit any girls' style and desire.

since i am getting married soon, i chose one from her collection instead of creating a custom dress and she posted it on her instagram.

i feel so honored that i get to wear one of her dresses!

which one do you think i will choose?

ENGAGED!!

2013-04-07T04:53:00.000-07:00

this is a weekend i will never ever forget.

brady took me to newport beach to take a walk on the beach. we saw this house above, he had me take pictures of it and said it was a good idea of what kind of house we may want to live in someday.

we walked down the boardwalk and he had a few people take pictures of us on the pier.

a couple different people took our picture.

brady bought a new outfit for our date.

we had a romantic dinner on the roof of rubys.

i had a feeling he was up to somethin'

we walked to the arcade, played our favorite game, skee ball, walked around the harbor...

the next day we watched general conference, worked out, watched another session, he went to priesthood, we went to dinner, rented a movie...

the next morning he woke me up at 5am and told me to keep my eyes closed for the entire drive.

he had me follow a trail of votive candles all the way to the beach where we had our first date.

he had breakfast that was all themed from spain. he went to spain for a month and loved their breakfast there. he gave me a photobook of our past two years... it was so romantic... a poem he wrote and tons of memories in a beautiful hardcover book.

i asked him why he made me it, he said, "i just love you so much and thought it would be nice to have a book of all of our memories together. we have been together over two years now and i wanted to do something fun for you."

i was amazed.

not expecting anything, but he has me open another small box.

it was this ring!!!

he proposed!

i was shocked!

he had made this ring out of the gold he has at his dental school, made the mold himself of my finger and then gave this to me as my wedding band. he told him he had my wedding ring still in the process of getting made but this ring would be on my left hand until then!

i couldn't think of a more romantic and perfect way he did it.

i cried. i cried because i have never though i could ever be so happy. pure happiness.

every part of my body was smiling.

i love him so much and am excited to be sealed to him forever.

excited to take on his last name and be his wife.

we work so well together... never have we argued, had a disagreement, we are best friends, we both don't like confrontation, we come from similar family backgrounds, we love each other so so much and understand each other. it has been nothing but a dream that i never thought would become a reality. i couldn't be more excited to get ready to share everything with this wonderful man.

i feel truly blessed and fortunate.

i may have starred at my hand the whole drive home.

the drive back we were glowing.

this and that

2013-04-04T04:23:00.000-07:00

brady invited me to go into the city with him to run some errands. we both didn't have any plans except being with each other.

it was so fun walking around town and finding an incredible persian cafe we had lunch at. he is one handsome man who i am lucky to be dating! i sure do love him.

never have i been with a person who has me believing every moment is floating from cloud nine to the next cloud nine. he really is something.

my sister, brother-in-law and friends own a cool company called le percel!

it is so cool. they mail you 30 tampons/pads, a piece of chocolate and a surprise gift from their sponsor ranging from watches, rings, necklaces, bags etc. for only $15. they ship it to your door a week before your period. it was on good morning america and now they are super busy.

stoked for them!

my nephew asher looked like this after his nap.

such a cool kid.

my good friend ash had a cute shower.

i am so excited for her to have a baby soon!

last day of spring break together

2013-04-01T04:11:00.000-07:00

the time with jackson was so wonderful.

i treasured every moment with him.

he got very sad when i had to take him towards the airport.

usually he will nap on the way up to LAX but this time he stayed up, talking to me about how badly he misses being home. it broke my heart but i stayed strong for him. i explained to him that we all have to get shots. shots aren't fun but we all need to get them so we don't get sick and so others don't get sick.

i explained that everyone has to go through trials. everyone.

i told him this is his trial and he is learning at such a young age how to become strong with muscles so he will be able to help others in his future. i told him his friends someday will have to go through trials as well but at different times.

he really grasped onto that and said, "mommy, if going through this will help my friends, then it's okay if i have to get shots."

oh melt my heart.

i love our heart to hearts.

when i brought him to the gate, he held onto me so tightly and balled right there in the airport. it was the saddest thing. i have never seen him loose it so much. he was hystrically crying. people around us were looking. i held him close, told him how much i love him and had to say goodbye. it felt like 100 knives went through my body saying goodbye and watching my sweet boy who had tears still streaming down his cheeks, walk away.

(before we drove all the way up, we met up with jess and the twins at boomers)

here he is saying a prayer as we are walking towards to the airport so that fuzzy face and wuzzy don't die when going through the X-rays! he put them inside an empty easter egg.

oh i love this faithful boy.

so so so so much!

easter

2013-03-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

the easter bunny came out for jackson.

brady was super cute playing the easter bunny with me the night before.

my mom got him a new bunny book.

jack ate one egg, that's it. he is so healthy, i love it!

for church, he was john the baptist.

so cute.

lotso joined us for dinner.

my mom was cute and made candy bags for us on our place setting.

bfst

"The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

S P R I N G B R E A K !

2013-03-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

we picked up jackson from the airport and went straight to the movies!

the croods was the cutest.

loved the message, the colors, the characters.

so fun.

before jack and i went home,

we let him play on the outside playground area.

he had the whole lily pad to himself! such a cute place.

pretty sure i checked on him over a dozen times while he slept.

when we got home, jackson already fell asleep so of course i had to tuck him in and then give him kisses on his little forehead. it's not every night i get to have our nightly routines so any time with him i soak up.

the next day brady came down and we went to the beach.

we played, surfed, swam and enjoyed our saturday together.

brady took us out to dinner at one of our favorite places.

we came home and read books, then jack wanted to watch walle. we cuddled up and then fell asleep... my sister took a picture of us while we were out!

we were tired.

but not as tired as jack...

he slept 13 hours!

i kept checking on him to make sure he was alright.

the sun mixed with swimming and surfing tuckered him out.

sunday we went to church, looked for bugs, went to the park and then went for a walk.

he found fuzzy face and has been taking such great care of him!

our family went down to rivis to play beach volleyball. it was a lot of fun...

honda CRVs know whats up!

on monday jackson's first grade teacher here said he could come visit the class for the day.

it was the nicest thing. he was completely dogpiled when he walked into the classroom with his friends yelling, "JACKSON!!" they were all so happy to see his buddy.

jack got to go to recess, lunch, all class periods.

he was in heaven.

we made cookies the night before so he brought those in.

i went into the classroom to help and enjoyed seeing him so happy.

it's been a while since i've seen him in his happy element.

we gardened and then i took the boys home.

my cousins were in town, so i took one of them over with us to the local skate park.

our friends met us and we had a grand ole time.

i wish i took better pictures but i really wanted to watch closely.

we snoozed hard.

we play hard.

he snuck into my room in the middle of the night to cuddle.

sure love it when he does.

the next day we spent at the beach with family and thor.

then dinner at pizza port.

he brought fuzzy face.

the next morning we woke up early and met my family at disneyland!

loved it!

pretty sure the cars ride is our favorite!!

my aunt trish helped me with jackson when he was first born by teaching me how to be a mom.

she would hold him so i could shower when jack was only 3 days old. i love the bond he still has with all of my cousins.

the night he got his new favorite stuft

toy story times two

lotso went too.

the next day we met my childhood friend and her three kids at our favorite park

then looked for more fuzzy faces..

and found a new one!

the rest of the afternoon was spent at the pool, bike ride around the street, jane coming over to craft and making chocolate dentures for grandpa's 86th birthday!

we went to catalina the next morning with the family!

it was fun to all go over together and have my friend's daughter lyla come with us.

she has never been to catalina.

we rented golf carts, went to lunch, played beach volleyball with the entire family, we had ice cream, we walked around, we went to the top of the island and had a few hours to talk about how great grandpa is. it was amazing.

couldn't seem to keep my eyes open.

we even let out a paper lantern for our new birthday tradition.

this weekend, i'm excited about THIS GUY

2013-03-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

on friday, i drove up to northern california.

so excited.

i hadn't seen jackson for almost two weeks so i had butterflies driving up there.

i listened to a book on CD for school and tried not to stop much.

i met jackson's new teacher and picked him up from his new school.

it was weird not being a part of his classroom or know any of his classmates.

his school was very different than his last school... there was a child held hostage at gunpoint from his father so the school was on lockdown on that monday previous, so it's been quite adventurous.

jack loves to get a car wash, so we went through one.

we headed over to chuck-e-cheese for hours of fun!

why don't we have one of these at our chuck e cheeses? awesome.

we got gluten-free pizza and had my friend's parents come over to say hi to us.

the next morning jackson had his new tee-ball parade

and opening day.

we decorated their truck (float)

and tried to keep the kids busy while waiting for the parade to start.

i tried my best to get them all play "simon says" with me. i taught them a little clap cheer for when they were out there.

after the game, we went to a farm area to feed goats and ducks.

we probably did this for over an hour because ya just don't see this in orange county too often.

he wanted to relax back at my friend's house so we played with their dog and took a tiny nap.

after we went on a little spontaneous hike by the river.

only in sacramento...

we sat right behind this tree.

we made a bunch of wishes, and blew them into the water below us.

sure love him, so much.

after the hike, we went to SKY HIGH where he jumped for an hour.

right after, we walked over to climb the walls.

we came back to my friend's house after jack had fallen asleep.

my friend brittany and i decorated her house until 3am!

finally i met another person who likes to go over and above!

he still wanted to see lucky, but it didn't seem to come...

living in the moment.

2013-03-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

i have been all about living in the moment.

when jackson isn't with me,

i decided that crying isn't productive,

that going through all my past moments doesn't make

him magically appear and so therefore,

the only option is to live in the moment.

so instead of oatmeal for breakfast, i had gluten free french toast with blue agave and fresh organic strawberries. i was pretty full after the first two but did my best to clean the plate.

my friend got me some cute anthropologie postcards but some of them aren't appropriate unless i'm sending them to prison inmates, crude people or people who don't have the same taste as 98% of the general public. the only thought i had to fix them was stencil in animals with acrylic black paint.

i also painted wood circles for a little surprise i'm working on...

on the weekend, brady and i relaxed, went to tender greens for the most delicious dinner, red boxed a movie i think i fell asleep during, went to the farmers market to run into the most famous LAKERS COACH, went shopping for a new chair and then some.

marina del rey was absolutely gorgeous but pretty cold.

brady and his roommate went running while i plopped my stomach ache in the sand.

we also checked out venice beach after going on a long walk.

we have never seen this side of venice.

we watched the bachelor together

us sisters

i'm really wanting to get this for our next camping trip

this song helps me live in the moment

we have a new pope!

brady's family came in town

(just mom and sis)

so we had dinner one night at C&O's!

so yummy.

weekend with my boys

2013-03-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

after surfing, we went to the whale festival.

the beast from the sandlot made an appearance.

we went swimming and jacuzzi at the surf and sand and then walked to get dinner at active culture while the boys had their dominos pizza.

jack and the active culture guy mirrored each other through the window, dancing for about 5-7 minutes.

little love.

he put himself to sleep early from all of the activity that day.

lots of swimming, surfing, walking, playing.

sweetheart.

before we went to church, brady went on a walk on the beach with us.

boo wanted to come see this beach with us.

we went to church and then hung out with my family.

jack sure loves his aunt bree!

i drove him up to the airport and had my check list of things to do when i said goodbye.

a little bit of this and that

2013-02-28T10:13:00.000-08:00

conversations with jackson:

showing me the characters on his shirt

the skylanders

he is reading me a book. a book he wrote and illustrated himself.

love.

oh i love this bug so much.

another time

easter basket spoiler!

more skylanders

cutest engagement video

2013-02-27T00:26:00.000-08:00

how cute is this video?
cutest engagement video i have seen yet.

brad + andrea [engagement] from kelly arts on Vimeo.

past videos of JACK

2013-02-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

the other day, the three of us got stuck watching past videos of jackson from when he was 3. it was the best to see his personality back in the day. we use to spend all day together.

PUSH-UPS:

JINGLE BELLS: this one melts me everytime. i remember my mom getting him this costume and he would wear it year round. this is christmas time and he still has it on. he is 3 here:

this was just during the day together:

the day jackson learned how to swim! i love this one!

POP ROCKS:
there are three videos of this. the first time i gave him pop rocks. jackson wanted to watch these videos over and over again...
first video:

number 3:

this video is when i took jack from the SFO airport to his daddy's studio. i use to stay in a hotel close by and watch jackson during the day sometimes so that he didn't have to be in day care. i loved this time together in the city.

we are at the golden gate park waiting for his dad who worked late this day, so we played!

we use to have sea world passes so i would take him once in a while. we always had to stop at this jumpy house, even though the wait was longer than the time to jump, jack loved it. he also loved this cherrios shirt.

he showed me a song he learned:

this video of him is when he was 4, in his second year of his preschool class around november:

goblin halloween:

two jacksons

presidents day weekend with JACK!

2013-02-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

this weekend we had jackson for three days -

brady and i picked him up from the airport.

over the loud speaker right when he got off the plane he announced,

"Hi Mom! This Is Jackson! I am here and cannot wait to see you! Happy Valentines Day Mommy! I love you to Pluto and Back!!!"

it was the cutest thing.

he ran up to me, jumped on me with the biggest hug. i am always on the verge of tears in these moments. he skipped and danced around me. he was so happy.

saturday morning we played outside, jackson played with his best buddies.

then brady came down and we went to the beach.

both brady and jackson went for a swim in the 50 degree cold water!

we played soccer on the beach, spelled our names in rocks, dug, played, skipped rocks.

after jackson and brady wanted pedros so we grabbed some lunch and found a spot above all of san clemente to picnic.

brady had his nice camera and took some fun ones.

what sun flare?

awkward family photo potential:

we went to the pool after for a little dip. this picture is after everyone cleared out but a lot of jackson's friends were down at our pool.

on sunday we flew rockets after church.

jackson and brady love this stuff!

jack doing it himself!

here is jack running to get it! he was so excited to go get it himself.

three rocket launches for the day!

family came over for dinner and dessert and marshmallow fight.

we played games together

and then monday was a little rainy but we still went on a bike ride, jackson played with his buddies and we drove up to LA for his flight. Both Brady and i got pretty sad when we said goodbye to him. he is such a good, sweet little boy that we love dearly. adjusting to these changes are so unnatural.

we loved having jackson here with us for three whole days.

/ / N E R I U M / /

2013-02-18T16:21:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago my friend gave me a bottle of a night cream called nerium. my friend asked me to try it and report any changes in my skin. i put it on at night after my face was clean, three pumps and then went to sleep with it on. within three days my face brightened up, my freckles were getting lighter, my expression or emotion wrinkles (as i like to call them) on my forehead were becoming smooth and my smile line on my left side of the face became smaller.

i read more about NERIUM and saw other's people's results. i have now been using it for almost three weeks and my face has been softer, looks younger, the redness is almost gone, its tighter and better than i could have ever expected from just one cream. being in the beauty industry, i am around people who have me try masks, hair products, face products and never have i been so impressed.

three of my good girlfriends have a well-known blog that is called "lunch pails & lipstick" that has been getting a lot of press. my friend jenna who lives in new york with her family wrote about it when they did their giveaway for Nerium here. i really like what she wrote about it and love that she is coming from the skin side of beauty. anything jenna recommends, i know it's quality. i normally don't talk about products i like unless i really know it works and i have to say this one does!

i have an account set up where i can send you some at my discount. it retails for $150-$200 but i can get it for $80 if you get it every month... just email me if you are interested.

if you would like to learn more information about Nerium or are interested in becoming a brand partner, click here or contact me at melislundquist (at) gmail (dot) com.

in the meantime

2013-02-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

here are some more surprise ball hearts I made for one

of my friends of a friend for her three boys and spouse.

i sent a tackle box over to some of our best friends who live all the way in Yakima. they fish a lot and just got married so we wanted to send some love!

brady and i celebrated our two year anniversary!

we don't need a lot of glam and fancy things, so we stayed in, made dinner, watched a movie and made a gluten free pazooki. it was nice. cannot believe two years have passed.

jackers got my postcard! oh he melts my heart.

on valentines day i got to see baby finn.

then worked a little, then brady drove down to my salon to surprise me with flowers he put together himself, a sweet gift and we re-did our first date in laguna beach.

we brought dinner down to the montage in laguna beach and added playing skip-bo to our anniversary date by candlelight. it was pretty romantic and simple, just how we like it.

we spent more time this week together.

we explored this new area that has lots of parks and cool places to live.

he is just the best. love both of my boys.

jackson's home!!!

2013-02-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

brady and i picked jackson up in the burbank airport.

so excited to see him.

he ran up to me, jumped on me and had the biggest smile on his face.

he told me how much he missed me and loves me.

brady surprised us and took us to kids castle right around the corner.

it was so fun to run into it, play games right before it closed.

we felt badly that jack had to wait several hours to get onto the next flight since he missed his original flight so we tried to make it fun for him after.

on saturday, we played with a rocket brady built!

the boys were pretty stoked, to say the least.

here are some videos of two of the launches...

le tigre?

right after he ran after it!

so cute, right?

we did it three times. jack loved chasing after it.

10 minutes after finished letting three rockets off, we rushed to my parents house for our "drive in movie night"

i handed them out monopoly money, ticket stubs that brady ripped.

jack had some of his good friends come over.

they decorated their numbers for their cards and we put sheets over laundry baskets.

it was fun to see them get so excited to watch a movie in their little cars at their own little drive in movie theatre. brady helped me to put together the concession stand

where we had popcorn, pretzels, candy, etc.

i had all the boys line up to buy their food.

they were so cute being all thrifty when they spent their fake money.

the rest of the weekend was spent having fun,

enjoying the simple things we use to enjoy on a daily basis.

family dinner for sunday where we all came together.

it really was a weird feeling it wasn't going to last past monday.

i held onto every second i had with him, forgoing as much time possible that i would have used to do my hair or makeup, so i could spend the most time with my babe.

monday morning:

he set up all of his animals to watch Marley and Me with us.

we snuggled and then cried together at the end.

why did Marlee have to die?

then we went to target, spent time with our dog charlee, went for a bike ride and then headed to the airport... stopping to grab lunch together and then boomers for fun.

then, just like that, he was gone.

airports i'm finding have so much emotion now.

from the excitement of first seeing him, the anticipation

to the walk, alone, away from the terminal.

i completely held back tears that felt like they were almost gushing from my eyes, to just sit in the drivers seat in the john wayne airport parking lot and let them all out.

all of jackson's toys he loves were left in the back of my car.

his blankey. the things he said to me during the drive there will hold me through the next week, until we see each other again.

CHANGES

2013-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

as i started to look through my pictures i have been taking the past few weeks, i noticed so many gaps, not many pictures of jackson and nothing too interesting. in a smaller amount of words, my life has changed significantly lately. when you have someone or something as a constant or a significant part of your everyday life, when it leaves, i have found for myself that a part of me leaves with them. my daily routines have shifted to a new phase.

for example, i would wake up, go straight to jackson's room, wake him up softly, make him breakfast, set out his toothbrush with toothpaste on it, make sure his backpack is packed properly, have his clothes laid out for him from the night before even down to his socks and shoes, get jack a towel for his shower, make his breakfast and get him in the car.

what has been replaced is just everything i did sans the jack routine but getting out of bed at this current time isn't that easy. i don't have a little person to take care of, who depends on me to make sure he wakes up with limitless amounts of positive encouragement; especially because he isn't a morning person. it's almost like those weekends or sometimes weeks he would be gone have been put on repeat. those weekends and weeks that he would be gone would take me the entire amount of time he was gone to adjust to. as any mother is familiar with, you learn to put your children first. you leave the house without mascara because you were consumed with your child that morning, you sometimes wear your shirt wrinkly because your time was prioritized with your child first, then you. the past six and a half years, i have only known to put jackson first and allowed that standard to guide my schedule.

the first week of him gone wasn't easy whatsoever.

each day seemed so long.

i cried in three hour increments.

i would cry at commercials, when driving by his

school or going to the places we use to go to daily.

i slept with jackson's boo every night and his favorite blanket.

people would call, write me letters, send me texts about how they are loosing sleep, crying themselves over this whole situation. it's amazing to see a whole city grieve over the loss of a sweet little boy.

i would run into people i hardly knew, and they would breakdown saying they heard it from a friend of a friend.

i was looking for ways or things to do that wouldn't make the time move so slowly or so sadly. these crying spurts happened anywhere and everywhere.

i have tried to talk to him everyday. so grateful for technology.

he is reading me a book here.

all this new time...

friends of mine asked me to make their kids valentines surprise heart balls. that kept me busy. their friends asked me to do the same for their kids. friends of mine asked me to help them make their kids valentines.

santa monica stairs kept me busy too.

i did them twice as much as i have ever tried.

...and too this mom holding her baby in her carrier pushed me a little more.

i was with brady so much more, which is always so nice.

people told me they wanted to get together but the first

week really was hard for me to be around from anyone else except my close family and brady.
laguna beach dressed itself up for valentines day month,

so i went on a few walks around town when i was working.

brady put together his own PVC piped guns for marshmallow fights in our near future.

he made four of them.

jack's last week living in san clemente (part one)

2013-02-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

there has been a decision made that has affected us tremendously.

jackson had one week left in san clemente with all of his friends, family and neighbors.

he had one week left before he had to move up to northern california.

his last week at his class that he loves.

his last week with friends who grew up with him since he was a baby.

friends that were in his preschool classes, kindergarten class, first grade class.

this move was unexpected and still not easy.

it has taken me some time to sit down to go through the pictures.

my strength grows each day but this is something i don't know if i could ever get use to.

i still go into jackson's room everynight to check on him even though blankets have now replaced him.

i use to sneak into his room after he was asleep and kiss his forehead, check his breathing (since he was a newborn) and sometimes pull his heavy body out of bed to rock him.

there was so much love and emotion going on this last week with him.

i'm trying my best not to tear up while typing this out...

here are some pictures from the last week:

he is playing outside with his friends.

this is the day he found out the news.

he rushed home to play outside with his buddies.

here is his last sunday at primary. he will still be in this class two weekends a month,

but i wanted to be there to see him.

Callie and Jack are good friends.

we use to carpool last year for school as she lives a few streets down.

post-church pictures

monday:

i had to record what our normal morning routine for school was.

he gives me a kiss and hug before getting out of the car for school.

he usually brings charlee for the quick less than a mile drive.

asks me how his hair looks, etc.

after school, he played, did homework and then we had family night.

making cupcakes for no other good reason, than just because we do things like this.

we worked on his science fair project

then frosted the cupcakes

tuesday:

jack went to school, early out day.

my friends surprised jackson with a "see you soon party"

over 75 kids were there, over 60 mom friends were there.

they hired a bouncy house, all RED treats since red is jack's favorite color.

it was emotional, fun, exciting... so many if not all of the moms were coming up to me in tears.

so many of jackson's friends were so sad to say goodbye to him.

his friends came up to me to give me hugs and asked if i would still take them to chuck-e-cheese or surfing.

they all signed a pillow case for jackson!

such an amazing party.

jackson felt so loved. he told me he didn't realize how many friends he had.

so grateful for my sister for taking all of those pictures at the party. she is so talented.

she wasn't able to stay the whole time, to get everyone in the pictures but she did a great job capturing that time she was there.

(part two, next post)

jack's last week in san clemente (part two)

2013-02-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

more of tuesday....

jack helped me carry all of his science fair items into school

while he went to class, i set it up in the multi-purpose room

when i picked up the carpool, the boys were being boys.

so i caught it on camera, just for memory.

then it was science fair time!

jackson and i sat on the floor next to dillon while the ocean institute gave their presentation.

jackson won! so that made his night.

they tie-dyed shirts too!

wednesday:

a few highlights...

when i was walking out to the car with jack for school, i came across an envelope with our names on it.

on the other side said, "Say Hi to Mickey for us! We love you!"

inside the envelope was enough money to take jackson to disneyland and extra for food, parking etc.

it was the nicest, most unexpected anonymous generosity we have received.

at jackson's going away party i was telling a few of my friends how badly jackson wanted to go to disneyland and how money has been tight so i wouldn't be able to take him. not sure who all donated to this envelope, but it really was incredibly sweet.

i didn't tell jackson until he came home from school.

i helped out in his classroom

after school,

we did a little wii dance...

we played with his friends

then i asked him where i could take him for dinner.

he said he wanted ihop.

ihop it was.

we brought homework, legos, his memory game and the book about the presidents.

loved spending time together.

thursday:

i brought jackson to school

then after school, i took him to disneyland!

he wasn't a fan of the rollarcoaster

under a tree... for lunch

he was getting tired....

cars land!

he won a bunch of stuffs

tired legs

it was such a fun day together! i am so grateful we got to spend it together.

it felt so nice to smile a lot all day despite what was happening.

friday:

i took jackson to school for the last day.

he had his valentines with him...

pretty bummed out.

i picked him up, all ready to drive up north.

sleepy time for them both

jackson put his stuffts on brady.

one of our stops

right before he said, "this is the worst day of my life"

we tried to cheer him up.

the rest of the drive, i sat in the back with him, colored, sang songs, and put together his little binder that he can write his friends with pre-stamped and addressed envelopes.

i brought my family's photo book for jackson to look at while we drove.

he thinks he is his uncle's mini twin

and then we dropped him off.

it was so hard.

the next day, brady and i explored old town sacramento together

bonding

2013-01-24T01:53:00.000-08:00

tonight jackson helped me put together his valentines.

we had a fun day today... after school we browsed the dollar isle at target, he had an icee, he told me stories about life and his take on it so far, we went outside and rode bikes, he played with his friend Ryan outside, we made dinner, hung out with elise, drew and baby Finn and then we made these. it was so cute to see his face light up when i would write one of his classmate's names on the bag label or when i asked him to help stuff the bags with swedish fish. he got excited to write his name, fill more fish up for his closer friends, make sure his little crush had the best one...

it was also a good bonding moment that i will never forget.

every day he continues to grow in different ways and don't want to miss these times where i can see the man he is going to become. that foreshadowing is so thrilling to see as it unfolds.

there is a great movie that i like... called, "the odd life of timothy green"... i have seen it a few times now and that it was written pretty well. the premise of the story are about these parents who cannot have a child. one night, they write down all the qualities and characteristics their child would have if they could conceive. things like being a great soccer player, love, creativeness, etc. the sci-fi aspect could deflect what the moral of the story is, but i liked how all the things they wrote about what their child be like, acts as if it is a leaf on timothy's leg that falls off when it occurs.

i liked this movie also for the fact that his boy reminds me a little bit of jackson. he is tender, he is sweet, he is loving, he is soft spoken, he is playful, he is non-judgemental and many more similar traits. i too thought if i were to put all the characteristics in a hole of what i would hope or expect my child to be like, he has taken on the important ones flawlessly. when you put your blood, sweat, and tears into something worth it and so special to you, it makes it even better when you see your child appreciating it not by thanking you but by doing what he has learned. sometimes i think of the countless sleepless nights nursing, tending to his needs, jack so dependent on me for survival. as months turn into years, i have felt needed in other aspects of his life and as his mind is filled with more information and his body getting bigger. i hope someday he can look in the mirror and remember who he was in these formative years and recognize that same face filled with freckles, missing teeth, funny nose scrunchies and round cheeks. i hope someday when life may throw him a curve-ball, that he can remember what i have taught him about strength, courage, lack of fear, honor, respect, endurance, flexibility, and conquer anything. if he forgets, i am still keeping that journal i have been updating for him since before he was born about how to never forget these important characteristics.

tomorrow is something bigger than i have ever faced. without getting too personal but still holding tight to the human aspect, i decided i don't want to forget these feelings i had so i would record them somewhere. possibly as a measure of when times may get tough, that i could reflect on the strength i feel now, or just to simply remember it so i can really appreciate the times when life becomes more normal. the best way to describe how i feel today would be how maybe the people that were sent to the gas chambers during the holocust felt. they may have heard of the chambers being just a shower or a deadly gas but they had to go in regardless. i am confident it will be water tomorrow since there isn't a good enough reason to be the gas. it's all up to the i have so many people who love us, praying for our little family at this time. i am extremely grateful for all of these family members and friends all over the US who have reminded me of their thoughts and prayers. i have found a silver lining in each one of my trials, especially in this one.

"Morning without you is a dwindled dawn."

-- Emily Dickinson