just breathe

I don’t think I can even explain how scary  it is to go through a health crisis  and two surgical procedures completely alone. But I had to be brave and make that choice to go alone because my dad needed every available family member to take care of him while I was in the hospital. That meant no one could take time out for me as well. It has been a couple of weeks since I was in the hospital and I am still having nightmares and an extremely difficult time sleeping. It is as if my whole life was turned upside down. My reality check slapped me in the face. I waited too long to take care of mine own health and ended up so sick that they couldn’t even operate on me right away.  I was very lucky and very blessed to be admitted to my own hospital and have coworkers take care of me at such a difficult time. But it made me very aware of my limitations, especially when it comes to taking care of my dad who is in end stages of heart failure. I’ve been taking care of him on my own, but now I am no longer able to handle him on my own.  Man it sucks to admit, but I am not super woman.  What is even worse to admit is that I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Ugh…..I know, I know. I’ve been content to be independent and alone for such a long time. I stopped dating years ago. And now I cannot imagine  going forward in my life without a partner. Someone I love and who loves me. This shift in my thinking has upset me a bit because I have no clue what to do. How is it even possible to date when I take care of an ill parent, and am gonna have to move to Arizona in order to get help in taking care of him so that I don’t end up in a grave first. I can’t even open up to the people closest to me. How do I let a man into my complicated life? I guess a bit more of soul-searching is needed.  Besides if I am moving to Arizona soon things are about to get crazy for a while.

I want a Valium. Too bad I hate drugs of any kind. Let’s just say that I had a really bad experience with morphine in the hospital and I never want another drug of any kind in my body ever again and I hope no one ever feels that kind of slow torture ever. *shivers*

Yay…..the Fall season is almost here! I love Fall. Cooler weather, Halloween, pumpkins, leaves change color, new season of TV starts…I could go on and on. I also have quite a few house projects I will be working on since it will be cooler. I am tired of still living in boxes and not having furniture, so I will be working on that. First up…painting, painting, and more painting. I hate white walls. I have most of the paint, I just need to get to it. Fun.

I often hear theme music in my head during hectic times in my life. Right now all I hear is circus music. You know the kind of music I mean, it is the sort of music you hear during a juggling act. I am juggling so many things in my life right now.

My dad is dying and refusing to go to the hospital, so with a little help from home healthcare I am doing everything. And I don’t have the support system like I used to. These last couple of years has scattered me an my siblings. My little brother has moved to Arizona and gotten married and has a whole family to take care of. My sister is still in town and she tries to help, but there is only so much she can do. My older brothers have never been much support. I know that is probably an awful thing to say, but they have their reasons and I respect it. It hurts that my family and extended family think this my obligation, and act  like I deserve this. I just wish they had a clue how exhausting and how painful it is to take care of someone who is dying and is in end stages of heart failure. I only sleep an hour or two at a time and then go and check to see if my dad is still breathing. I dispense his medication, watch his oxygen, blood pressure, and blood sugar. I make his doctors appointments, drive him there with his oxygen and scooter in tow. It takes us hours just to go to one appointment. I make sure he eats, I do his shopping, and try to clean up after him when he gets confused and tears the house apart. I do this all the while working my job at the hospital, and while still trying to unpack and put together my new house. I don’t go out with friends, I don’t date, I don’t have much. But I love my dad and will respect his wishes to stay with me and have me take care of him. I will continue to juggle and try to find small ways to escape. Books, movies and my wonderful dog Boo. Life would be unbearable without those. I can do this…I can do this.

I haven’t been able to write in a really long time. Still, as I type now, I don’t know if I will be able to say much. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams aside and it has almost broken me. I am doing something important, but one false move, and I feel like I can fall apart and never recover. I thought losing my mom was hard, but taking care of my dad in end stages of heart failure is even harder. And I am doing it on my own. No time off, no vacations, just hard work and little sleep all the time. And when it is over, I will be utterly alone.  I am trying to come to terms with that fact and more. I may never be a mother, or a wife. I may never fall in love, or write a book, or live in another country. I had to buy a house in the city I  was born in, and settle in for the sake of family, for my father. I fear this will be the city I die in as well.  And I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry or sad. As you can probably tell, that doesn’t always work. For most of the time, I numb myself and just keep working. But there are times……life can be a dark place. I’m a bit in shock that I have written this down….opened this wound for all to see. I guess sometimes a person just needs to purge a bit of that darkness just to be able to keep on going. Just Breathe.

I am still a little shocked that I have started the process of buying a home. I am a complete commitment phobe, and am stressed out completely over this. Logically I know this is a good move. I am building a new home to custom fit my needs, and when all is said and done the rent will be about the same or slightly cheaper. Plus the tax benefits will be nice, and not moving every year will be good too. I have a set schedule at work now, plus benefits and things are good with work, I will be getting a nice raise in May as well. So I know buying is the right thing for me right now, but I am still stressed out. I have the home loan to work on, the down payment to put together, and customizing options to work out. I cannot get my brain to turn off. I’m exhausted and only sleeping a few hours at a time.That sucks, because this whole process will take about 4 months. I am only just getting started. I’m gonna have to find ways to deal with the extra stress, because I already have a lot to deal with. I can’t afford a nervous breakdown right now. I will definitely need a vacation after all this, let’s hope it won’t be to a padded room.

I didn’t really realize how closed off I have been till I looked at the date of my last post. Eek. Well I’m pulling out of it I guess. My job has stabilized now. I have a set schedule as well as benefits. Only took me 6 years to finally get that, but hey I finally have it. Anyways…..I’ve been growing and learning more about my self everyday, but sometimes my curiosity can be a problem. I let curiosity get the better of me, and signed up on an online dating website. I know, I know….sooo not me, not at all. It took me all of one day of getting messages from guys, and I closed my account. I felt so dirty. And it’s not even like I was wanting to date, I was just curious. Sure I get lonely every once in a while, but to be honest I am looking forward to the day I can live by myself again. I like doing things on my own, and this misstep drove that point home to me. If I do end up in a relationship, it will not be because of a dating website. I need more of a connection than that.

Well that was a fun experiment. On to new adventures. Soon, I will take a vacation by myself. It’s not easy to travel solo when you are a social person, but I am gonna do it, and I will probably love it. fun, fun.

My Lil’ Girl is too funny. That is what I call one of  my dogs, Lil’ Girl. She acts as playful and as bright-eyed as a puppy, but she is 11 years old now. I love her dearly. It broke my heart to leave her behind when I moved to Utah. But she was gracious enough to forgive when I moved back. She now gets her revenge by sitting on my desk from time to time so she can block my computer. She also takes a good portion of the leg room in my bed at night. My other dog Boo takes the rest of the leg room, and whatever covers he can pull away in the night as well. Good thing I do not live in a cold climate anymore. Brrr.

Anyways, Lil’ Girl is a smart little thing, and sometimes she renders me speechless over her daring acts or little insights. A few nights ago one of my brothers ordered pizza. When the pizza guy came she ignored the pizza and tried to go with the pizza guy back to the pizza place. She wouldn’t even be coaxed with the pizza that had been delivered to go back in the house.  She had decided to find the origin of all pizza’s. My brother was dumbfounded over her actions and I couldn’t stop laughing.

I love my doggies.

Well, that is for me anyway. Everybody and their dog has been taking vacations all summer long, and guess who gets to fill in for them. Yup, that would be me. It has been good for money. I’ve needed the extra money…not for me of course, but it has helped. But now I am verging on burn out. I am trying to say no every once in a while so I can have a little down time, and that is a new experience for me… Saying no. It’s a good thing.

I hate it when people complain about their lives. I figure if it is bad, change it. But what I hate even more, is that I have become that person. I am stuck in a situation I hate. I am unhappy, and sad, and a shell of a person I used to be. I’ve been trying to make the best of a bad situation, and biding my time till things can change so I can move on. Well, I reached my limit. I am no longer willing to wait things out. I don’t want to waste my life. I haven’t lived yet, and I am 32 years old. All I do, is do for others. That isn’t a bad thing, I just haven’t balanced it. I am eager to experience and explore, try new things, and possibly fall in love. I am open and so ready, but I am tied down. It has not been a good feeling. I am almost to the point of rebelling. That’s even worse. I would hurt the people I love, the people who count on me the most.

My solution to this mess…. Well, I am taking a vacation in October. I know, I am actually planning a vacation and not just up and going on a whim like a normally do. And this is a vacation with a purpose. First, for me to get away, relax, and have fun. Second, to check out a possible job opportunity and new place to live. Yeah, that’s right, I am no longer waiting for things to change, I am going to make the changes and dam the consequences. Just because something is okay, that doesn’t make it right. It is obvious no is looking out for me, so I am doing what I want from now on and bringing my responsibilities with me….AWAY from Las Vegas. The only thing I like in Las Vegas is my job, but my career is at a dead-end in Vegas. There is no room for me to grow, and I am afraid I will get bored or worse, I will hurt myself in the long run if I stay just because it is comfortable and familiar. Besides, I need more than just work. I’ve lived too long like this. Work is not life. And Vegas doesn’t offer me enough to be happy.

This isn’t a whim, and I know it will take some time and hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I am more than ready for this….Leaving Las Vegas.

Where am I going? Not sure yet. I have some very crazy off the wall ideas, that no one would ever guess of me. I’ll let y’all know soon enough.

Oh yeah, I am officially an old maid. This year I have learned how to knit, been banished to a small corner of my bed by two little dogs, and have become addicted to cheesy romance novels.  And you know what? I love it. I love every bit of it. And I’ve done much more growing as a person than that as well. I work hard, pay the bills and support 3 other people besides myself. It wasn’t a position I wanted, but I have made the best of it. I am lucky and blessed to have two jobs that help me support the people around me. I have also taken the time to take care of myself physically as well. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and love my body. I am still very curvy and still have more weight to lose, but I love what I have done so far. I never would have said something like this before, but I am pretty gosh darn amazing. Life has been tough and I miss my mom like crazy and worry about my dad all the time but I have struggled and gotten to know myself and love who I am. I am a very lucky person. Finding self-esteem at age 32 is amazing. I love being an old maid, I get a chance to be me and damn what anyone else thinks. I love it.

I’ve been having a lot of strange and vivid dreams and nightmares these past couple of months. I was chalking it up to the stress of moving and hitting the year mark of my mother’s death. Last nights dream was particularly vivid and is haunting my mind tonight. Have you ever had a dream that both surprised you and made you feel so good, that it actually hurt to wake? And now I cannot stop crying.

The dream…. I was on the phone with a man and walking through the house to my room. I kept getting stopped by different family members wanting to talk to me . Instead of hanging up with the man, I would just ask him to hang on and  talk to my family. He just sat patiently and listened, he liked the sound of my voice and hearing about my everyday things. He never got frustrated, and he never felt ignored.  Once I finished talking to my dad and brother I went on to my room and went back to talking with this man. After a couple of minutes in my room, my mom walked in and sat on my bed. She was so very happy. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile like that. She new who I was on the phone with and that was the source of her happiness. She wanted to talk with me also. I asked the man to hang on again, and then talked with my mom. I don’t remember the conversation, I just remember how good it felt to be talking to her. And then she was gone and I was alone in my room, but still on the phone with this man. Soon I got tired and fell asleep. I woke up to someone’s hand holding mine. It was the man from the phone. He was there holding me, because he felt I needed it.

I felt love like I never thought I would ever feel. It was a burning passionate love to begin with, but so much more that I cannot even put words to it really. One look and I knew him and he knew me and we accepted each other flaws and all and so much more. I am describing this very poorly. I have never experienced anything like this in real life. I have a hard time believing I will ever fall in love. My life is not my own, and I don’t think I have the capacity to let someone into my life in that way. So I settle with being content and taking care of the people around me. I am not bitter or upset. I just accept my circumstances and make the best of things. I will never marry or have children, but I am good person. So it came as a shock to me that I would have such a vivid dream like this. I can still feel my mother’s happiness, and that man’s love is still wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cold and wintry night.

I feel haunted. It hurt to wake up from that and it hurts now. I didn’t know what I was missing out on. I am trying hard to not let bitterness seep into the cracks of my damaged heart. I wish to be content again. I do not want to dream of things I cannot have. I am almost afraid to sleep again. I am wary of dreams and nightmares.