Lawn Gnomes in Space

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2011-06-12T08:18:00.002-04:00

Adventure Games and the Training of the Creative Writer

2011-06-07T04:35:00.002-04:00

Adventure games are interactive stories that are played on computers. My first adventure game I was King’s Quest. My father bought me my first computer around second grade and I think the game came with it. I loved it despite its poor graphics and its awkward way of controlling the character where you have to type in commands. If you do not type in a command that the game’s creators programmed the game to understand, a typical response that you received was “You cannot do that.” Often I would have to figure out the correct way to phrase a command because what I typed should have worked and communicated what I wanted my character to do in an accurate way, but the game just wasn’t programmed to understand the words that I used. Another annoying thing about the game is how easy it was to die. You could fall into a lake and drown, fall of a seemingly bottomless cliff (which is akin to Super Mario Bros), accidently press the wrong arrow key while you’re trying to climb stairs to get up to the land of the clouds and accidentally fall to your doom. Also, a monster could appear out of nowhere and eat you unless your character was near the edge of the screen when the monster appeared and you escaped to safety by going to the next screen, where the monster ceased to exist as if by magic. Despite these difficulties, I still loved the game. Another aspect of adventure games worth noting is the games make you confront problems and your job is to solve the problems. If you do not, you cannot proceed in the game and you will wander around aimlessly and get very bored. This is the primary reason why adventure games are not as popular as they used to be. The problems are akin to solving puzzles and are most often resolved by using items that you find while you play the game. Also, unlike video games, you only have one life. So once you are dead, YOU ARE DEAD, although later adventure games would eliminate this possibility. But the death scenario did not make game playing completely impossible because there was a feature where you could save your game from any point during it and restore your game whenever you wanted. Back during the early days of King’s Quest, this meant you had to take out the game’s floppy disk, insert a blank disk, save your game, and remove the saved game disk to replace it with the game disk. Same thing when you wanted to restore your game. This process would later be more efficient when they changed it so you could save your game directly onto your computer.

The term “adventure game” was usually not an appropriate classification for most adventure games besides King’s Quest and the sequels that followed. The reason why the genre of games is called that is because the first adventure game was simply called Adventure (although its alternative title was Colossal Cave Adventure). This was came out a decade before King’s Quest, which was one of the first adventure games that used graphics. Before, they were entirely text based and “before my time,” although I tried a few of them out later on. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy game was of particular note because it was nearly impossible to play without dying every few minutes and was co-written by Douglas Adams.

So fast forward maybe a decade and adventure games went through a major change. No longer did you have to type in commands for your character. Instead, the games became ‘point and click’ based. You could choose certain options such as LOOK or TALK or PICK UP or USE and manipulate objects in your inventory to interact with objects and characters that are on the screen (or combine your inventory objects to create an object that is entirely new that can be used for a different purpose). So with these advances of game play, the difficulties of controlling your character via typing in text commands ceased to exist. But instead of this, solutions to solving puzzles became much more difficult. Nothing was ever simple. You could not quench your character’s thirst by obtaining water from a body of water or a sink. Instead, you had to participate in a long process of actions to solve the problem which were often incredibly absurd in nature. Because of this, I feel playing adventure games during your youth (and perhaps now) is an excellent way to train yourself to become a creative writer. They teach you to think laterally and are akin to the kinds of movies that wouldn’t have lasted beyond its first few scenes if the protagonist made a sensible decision rather than a wrong decision that caused their life to spiral out of control and created the setup for the rest of the movie. But unlike these kinds of movies, adventure games never give you the option to act sensibly and solve puzzles using the most sensible and effective means.

Let’s use a game as an example. Gabriel Knight 3: Blood of the Sacred, Blood of the Damned was the last adventure game produced by Sierra, who produced King’s Quest and was one of the top two companies in the adventure game industry. You play Gabriel Knight, an occult detective. The game occurs in Rennes-le-Chateau, France, and its plot is inspired by the same source material as The Da Vinci Code. Both the game and the novel took elements from the alleged non-fiction book, Holy Blood, Holy Grail, which in turn was based on what may be the greatest hoax in the twentieth century.

So anyway, you are Gabriel Knight and your objective during one point in the game is to rent a motorcycle. For some reason that I cannot recall, you cannot simply rent a motorcycle. Instead, you must first disguise yourself as a police detective (whose voice is provided by Mark Hamill) who followed you from New Orleans for a reason that I cannot recall. Here is a condensed solution to the process of obtaining the disguise (Credit goes to this site: http://www.oldmanmurray.com/features/78.html)

First, you return to a museum and steal a red hat from the lost and found box (the game did not allow you to take the hat earlier, but it does now because your character somehow knows that the hat is essential to his disguise). Next, you go to a church and wait outside of it while its Abbe is spraying plants. Eventually, he will go indoors and leave the spray bottle outside. You snatch it. You turn the corner and walk down a street. You will see a black cat. You pet it. The cat runs away, into a small opening in a nearby shed. You take masking tape out of your inventory and attach it to the shed’s hole (if you do not have the tape, you must return to your hotel room and obtain it from inside your dresser). Walk away from the shed. The cat will now crawl on a ledge and is too high for you to pet or grab. Select the spray bottle from your inventory and use it on the cat. This will cause him to jump off the ledge and run back inside the shed through the hole, leaving a piece of its fur stuck to the masking tape. Grab the fur. Return to the hotel and collect the items that are needed for your disguise if you missed them the first time around (they include a black marker, a piece of candy, and a packet of syrup). Knock on the police detective’s door. He’ll let you in and you’ll have a conversation where he mentions his passport. Leave the room and put the piece of candy on a table in the hallway. Go downstairs to the lobby. Buzz detective’s room (I guess the concierge is not around to stop you) to get him to come down. Walk up the stairs to the hallway outside the detective’s room. Watch him leave the room and bend over to grab the candy on the table. While he is occupied, steal his passport. When he goes downstairs, enter his room and steal his coat. Open your inventory. Use the black marker on the photo in the passport to draw on a mustache. Then combine the cat’s fur and syrup to create a fake mustache. Then combine the red hat and the mustache and the detective’s coat to complete your disguise. Then go to the motorcycle rental shop.

So why the fuck do you need to be in disguise in order to rent the motorcycle? I do not remember.

Why the fuck do you have to concoct a fake mustache when the person who you are impersonating does not have a mustache? I have no idea.

Why the fuck did you have to make a fake mustache out of cat hair when head from your character’s head or body would have worked perfectly fine? This defies logic.

And then using maple syrup to attach the fake mustache to your upper lip is just the icing on the cake.

So this is an example of a solution to a problem in an adventure game that is carried out in an extremely indirect way. It is doubtful that anyone figured out how to solve it without looking up the solution on the internet. If they actually solved it without assistance, it obviously would have taken a lot of trial and error.

This solution to the problem is not good writing. Do not do this in your fiction. But nevertheless, it is a good example of a quirky way that your protagonists can overcome conflict.

Other adventure games are more humor-oriented and absurd. I would suggest you play them if you’re interested in writing that sort of thing. I would recommend the sexually perverse Leisure Suit Larry series, the Space Quest series, and my personal favorite, Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle (which is the sequel to another great adventure game, although it’s old and very primitive). Actually, the games that I just mentioned are all fairly old and you will probably have a lot of trouble getting them to work on a modern-day computer.

Oh, and I just want to mention that you play three different characters in Day of the Tentacle: one of them ends up stuck in the past, one in the future, and the last remains in the present. There is a toilet in the mansion where you can flush items that your characters obtain throughout the game through time so the other characters can receive them and use them in their own settings. Time machine toilets=awesome.

So it’s been like forever since adventure games were actually popular, although I hear they are still well-liked in Europe. But there is one particular company in the U.S. who produces really great adventure games: Telltale Games. Much of the staff who formerly worked for LucasArts (the creators of Day of the Tentacle) work for them. I would recommend their Sam and Max series of games. They are about a two “freelance” policeman: a bear in a suit and his partner, a psychotic rabbit-thing. They solve cases. The solutions for the game puzzles are completely absurd and require lateral thinking, but are not difficult to solve like that Gabriel Knight ridiculous. Each case plays out over a “season” and you buy an “episode” to play at a time. It is fairly cheap. You can try out demos to see if you enjoy the games before buying. Check them out. They are worth it. Your brainstorming skills will thank you.

The New Orthodox Order Of Spuds MacKenzie

2011-05-24T05:16:00.001-04:00

Does anyone want to join my cult? I wrote this when I was like 14 or 15:

DON'T MISS OUT IN THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER Void in certain states

MEMBERS

High Pope Godoth Frumpfurt
Pope Tater Perdu
Pope T.X. Superfly
Pope "Bob" Dobbs
Pope Monty Catsin
Pope add your name here

Order greeting - YIP YOP.
response - FUCK YEAH!!
second response - RIGHT ON!!!

Have you ever noticed that god spelled backwards is dog. This is what it was originally supposed to be, until the ANTI-spud changed it around. Do you believe that? It has been written in the true book of revelations. There is no god, there is only SPUDS. The idea of god was invented by the ANTI-spud to keep the heat off him. The ANTI-spud is destined to destroy the world in 23 dog years. The only way to survive is to join the order. You will be saved by the otherworldly Frisbee, the SEX GODD, umm no, sorry about that, I really mean the SEX BITCH. The end times are near, of course, according to them, we are, and always will be in the end times. It has been written in the true book. The false book was written by the ANTI-spud in a plot to distort the views of all peoples. What evidence is there that there is a god? You have probably been worshipping god, the false deity all your life. Unbeknownst to you, you are actually worshipping the ANTI-spud.

Spuds MacKenzie died for our sins.

SPUDS MacKenzie visited our prophet, Godoth Frumpfurt while he was having his afternoon tea on December 23, 1932 . Everything seemed to freeze. The clock stopped, and the tea that had been poured in his mouth had frozen in mid-air. Spuds spoke to him, " I am SPUDS MacKenzie, thee original party animal. My soul is located on the Dog Star located in the Sirius System. I am thee creator of life, and I am located everywhere and nowhere. I have been watching, and influencing thee history of your planet for eons, and at this present moment I am very upset. I am speaking you at this moment to defy the teachings contained in the bible of my arch-nemesis - the ANTI-spud. The teachings of the ANTI-spud is nowhere near as horrible as the way that they are being interpreted by the common fool. I need you to recruit people to defy the teachings and clean up this immense doggie bowl. I am not privileged to tell you my teachings, but just think of it as just being the opposite of everything or nothing, or the ANTI-spud's teachings or the common fool's teachings. Bow WOW RUff ruff growl.

It has been written that the ANTI-spud visited the head of the advertising department of Budweiser in a dream. The ANTI-spud convinced him to use the ANTI-spud for the new Budweiser ad campaign. Vast riches were promised. The next day the head found a spuds look-alike to use. The ad campaign was a great success, and Budweiser beer proceeded to increase their sales by millions of dollars. This is why we are forbidden to drink Bud beer except on sodfjday.

Why should you believe us? Who else is there to trust these dog days. We openly proclaim ourselves to be blasphemers and liars. WE ARE BLASPHEMERS AND LIARS. Never in a million dog years, would I trust anybody who stated otherwise. Everybody, without a doubt is. What is a blasphemer anyway? What gives anybody the right to decide what's right and what is wrong. Do not believe in anything. Believe in everything. This religion encourages agnosticism. We are to my knowledge, the only religion that reveals itself to be clever bullshit. All other joke religions are clever bullshit (all serious religions are only bullshit), but do not outright state it. It is only obvious to the clever. We recognize that there this doggie dish is made up of stupid people, so we shall state it outright .

OUTRIGHT

The full force of SPUDS was revealed to me when I was sitting in science class. I went into a trance and SPUDS spoke. I later ponder what caused the trance, science class or SPUDS. My guess that science class was the cause of the trance. If this is true, then it proves that something actually does come out of school. It teaches us how to enter mystical states of being. Back to the SPUDS, I was told everything that I think is wrong, but it is so much closer to the truth and to the untruth then just about everybody else. After that one statement, my vision ended. I have no way of knowing whether or not I was visited by the true SPUDS or the ANTI-spud. It seemed like the true SPUDS to me, because it did not seem like something the ANTI-spud would say. Perhaps that is just what the ANTI-spud wants me to think???

THE TRUE CREATION STORY

In the beginning there was the empty kennel. Then through various complicated methods, it was full. It all started when toad sang his lovely song. The heavens weeped joyfully. Toad was very depressed. This was because he was very lonely, and bored. Because of toad's lovely song, the heavens felt pity for him, and excreted into the kennel. Out from the ashes of the excretion rose pea pods. These pea pods talked, but they were not very good company for toad because of their lack of brains. Toad had a special name for these pods and called them all obergs. After a while, Toad got very annoyed with the obergs from listening to chatter nonsense endlessly. He stamped on them with his feet until they were all crushed to death. Out of the ashes of the obergs remains arose numerous broccoli. They were rather intelligent but their conversations was very cold and robot-like.(This is very strange for broccoli is organic, and not robot-like at all. Perhaps this is misinformation created by the ANTI-spud. It figures). After a while Toad grew hatred for the broccoli. (This was the first time the feeling of anger was shown. It is rumored to be a creation of the ANTI-spud. Although anger may be a good thing . Who am I to say? From this, you could come to the conclusion that broccoli is also the creation of the ANTI-spud. It is difficult to tell, but everything could be the creation of the ANTI-spuds, of perhaps SPUDS, or perhaps even toad, or the heavens. Try to think about it all for a few hours. Does it give you a headache? If the answer to the question is no then you are worthy to become a member. The reason for this is because thou art a liar.) I wrote so much that has nothing to do with creation that I forgot what really happened. I'll remember it later. All I know is that it has something to do with SPUDS.

Our gift to you when you become a member is the divine excuse. With it, you can get away with any crazy shit that you want, just by stating to the person that it was done for religious purposes. You can do stuff like walking around naked, anything in which you have gotten in trouble for in the past. WARNING divine excuse does not work perfectly. If you should decide to kill someone you dislike for religious purposes, if caught you will still be punished. Your sentence will still be decreased because of the divine excuse.

EVERYTHING THAT YOU KNOW IS TRUE

EVERYTHING THAT YOU KNOW IS FALSE

Throughout the years, the ANTI-spuds has possessed many so-called great minds. You know the type, all those self-important assholes who made up useless, unnecessary shit to waste our time studying in school. The ANTI-spud did this to steal our qqq. Just think about it, all languages may have been created by the ANTI-spud. Without a doubt all mathematical theories were created by the ANTI-spud. If I was living centuries ago and was not controlled by the ANTI- spud then my languages and useless theories would be taught in school.

You are real. Aren't you?

It is a sin to copy others ideas, unless of course other members of the order do not contribute ideas themselves. If this happens and the brain is restless, then this law may be considered void. Speaking of such, Joshua Norton, or as he preferred to be called Norton I proclaimed himself Emperor of the United Stated and protector of Mexico in 1859. Norton I was a very likable fellow although he was a loon. Even though he was poor, he was fed well in some of San Francisco's best restaurants. Even though he was a loon, he had all of his state proclamations published in San Francisco’s newspapers. While supposedly rational reformers failed to crack the national bank monopoly, Norton I had his own currency accepted throughout San Francisco. When imbeciles decided to attack the Chinese, and sane men would try to stop them, Norton I did nothing but stand in the street, head bowed, praying. The imbeciles dispersed. The Order has chosen it's own Emperor of the United States. It's name is Emperor Norton II, (how original) otherwise known as the supreme pea pod.

To become a member you shall only want to become a member. Once we get numerous people, we may get a bit greedy and start charging a few dollars. The duties for members are to spread the faith. Of which faith, I cannot tell. Just make sure it is all your own and no one else's.

Free PDFs of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You and Cameron Pierce's Abortion Arcade

2011-05-23T17:21:00.001-04:00

The two books will be available for free download until the end of the month. Go here for the info: http://bizarrocentral.com/2011/05/23/may-23rd-is-free-abortion-day/

The Series Finale of Smallville Reveals the TRUTH about Judgment Day, AKA October 21st

2011-05-19T12:15:00.001-04:00

I have watched every episode of Smallville. I consider it a guilty pleasure due to its inconsistency. Some of its episodes are great while others are awful. For example, the recent series finale was a disappointment, although watching it has made me an enlightened being.

In the episode, there is an extremely revealing scene where Darkseid’s cronies (Granny Goodness, Desaad, and Glorius Godfrey) are chilling in a room that looks it's inside a church. In case Darkseid is unfamiliar to you, he is an evil god, one of the most powerful characters in the DC universe, and he is probably the greatest villain in comic book history (although Superman killed him off recently in the comics with the help of Batman and comic writer, Grant Morrison).

Darkseid is supposed to be the primary antagonist of the last season of Smallville even though he only gets about thirty seconds of screen time in his true form along with a few minutes of screen time when he’s possessing the body of Lex Luthor’s dad, who is from the alternate dimension where he raised Clark rather than being Lex's “real” dad (because Lex killed his dad, I assume because the actor wanted to quit the show, and the show’s creators pulled this alternate reality crap because the dad is played by John Glover and John Glover kicks ass and they probably wanted him back for the last season but couldn't think of a good reason to resurrect his dead body). So anyway, Lex Luthor’s dad is sporting a hobo beard. Also, he sounds like the vocalist of an industrial band, which is the only indication that he’s possessed by Darkseid besides his hammy dialogue.

So getting back to Judgment Day, here is a transcription of Darkseid’s cronies’ dialogue:

Desaad: The day of judgment is upon us.

Granny Goodness: We’ve saved a million souls from the coming apocalypse to serve the Dark Lord.

When she says “the coming apocalypse,” she’s referring to how Darkseid’s planet is about to smash into the Earth and kill everyone who hasn’t been “saved.” By the way, his planet is called Apokolips.

Then Green Arrow shows up. And he uses a silly deep voice to disguise himself like Christian Bale in the Batman prequels, although I’m not entirely sure why because the cronies already know his identity. And Granny Goodness is surprised that Green Lantern’s omega symbol, which one of the cronies etched onto his head, is gone (Clark is responsible for this). The millions of souls that Granny Goodness referred to earlier are humans that have this symbol on their heads. And the symbols have turned them evil and shit.

In the comics, Darkseid never gave the omega symbol to a million people. Instead, during a big, confusing comic book event called Final Crisis, he sends something called the Anti-Life Equation to every email address on Earth, causing almost everyone to fall under his control and be totally evil and shit. Up until that moment, he had a major boner for the Anti-Life Equation and spent his life trying to track it down. I have no idea how he succeeded in obtaining it.

So basically, the omega symbol is Smallville’s version of the Anti-Life Equation. And Desaad tells Green Arrow that he was “sooo close to experiencing the rapture” and he mumbles something about how those with the Omega mark would serve his Lord “while all others will perish.” Then he asks, “Do you really think you possess the power to vanquish our Lord from the souls of those he saved?”

I’m not going to tell you what happens next in case you want to watch the episode and find out for yourself, but essentially the writers of the show are associating Darkseid and “his” end of the world with Jesus and Judgment Day. And this would have been extremely anti-Christian if it were coming out of the mouths of the good guys rather than the bad guys.

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU WANT OCTOBER 21ST TO BE A SURPRISE: Clark defeats Darkseid in a really anticlimactic way and removes the omega mark from the million people who have it (along with saving the world) in a really anticlimactic way.

In summary, Smallville’s writers are great prophets (even if they may not always be great writers). They have predicted what will occur on October 21ST. God--who is as evil as fuck, has a hobo’s beard, and is in an industrial band--will judge us and sentence us all to death (except for the millions of people who his cronies have saved). But Superman will save the day by defeating him in a really anticlimactic way. And “this should encourage each one of us to go to” Superman “and beseech Him for His great mercy.”

Book Review Solicitations

2011-03-01T14:46:00.001-05:00

Would anyone who does reviews for a publication of any sort like to review my new book, Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You? If so, contact me (It is a novella, and the second book published by Lazy Fascist, a new imprint of Eraserhead Press.)

You can read more info about the book in my last entry.

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You

2011-02-20T14:48:00.003-05:00

My new book was just published by Lazy Fascist (which is a new-ish imprint of Eraserhead Press)

Back Cover Text:

What the crap is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing on the cover of Rico Slade's book? This is Rico Slade's goddamn book. Rico Slade is not a body builder, an actor, or a governor. Rico Slade is an action hero.

Rico Slade doesn't care about the political climate. Rico Slade has an advanced degree in badassery. Rico Slade's favorite food is the honey-roasted peanut. Rico Slade can rip out a throat with his bare hands.

But Rico Slade has a problem. His arch-nemesis, Baron Mayhem, is threatening to drop a bomb on the Earth that will kill every human being except himself while leaving the world's currency intact. To save the planet, Rico Slade must journey across Hollywood to find Baron Mayhem. Unfortunately, Rico Slade's crime fighting style involves ripping out the throat of anyone who gets in his way, including grandmothers and Midwestern tourists.

As Rico Slade leaves Hollywood in ruins, the only person who can stop him from destroying the city is his Jewish psychologist, Harold Schwartzman. Until he does, Rico Slade will kill as many people as it takes to thwart Baron Mayhem's evil scheme. Rico Slade will fucking kill everyone.

RICO SLADE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Get it here: www.amazon.com/Rico-Slade-Will-Fucking-Kill/dp/1936383470

Poncho Peligroso: 2011 Poet Laureate

2011-02-18T23:21:00.000-05:00

Since I've already conquered every Bradley Sands in the world for the top google listing, I should help this guy retain his title for the top listing when someone does a search for "2011 Poet Laureate": http://ponchopeligroso.com

The Day Your Heart Stood Still Contest Winners

2011-01-24T16:13:00.001-05:00

I'm really late with this, but I'm going to announce the winners for The Day Your Heart Stood Still Contest.

Second-runner up and the proud winner of a collection of random objects from my room is...Kate Paone

First-runner up and winner of a few porn magazines that I'll buy from a nearby store is...Karl Fischer. Luckily, he lives near me so we'll go to the store together and both feel extremely embarrassed.

And the winner of the contest and a handwritten copy of the mysterious story, “My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes,” along with a lifetime subscription to all of my forthcoming books is...Crystal Zimmerman.

Congratulations to all the winners!

http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Said-but-Camera-Crew/dp/1933293934

Metazan's Christmas Charity E-Anthology

2010-12-29T05:36:00.001-05:00

I have a new prose poem in this. The download is free, but a donation is suggested. Get it here: http://www.metazen.ca/?p=6141

Character profile for my 3 day marathon book that I'm starting tomorrow

2010-12-18T22:25:00.001-05:00

Johnny Sweatpants’ mother was the fattest, ugliest woman who had ever experienced a virginal birth. She was so annoyed about getting knocked up without all the fun that’s involved that she dropped her baby in the Hudson River, where he had fend for himself amongst the sewage. Dating guru, Ross Jefferies, was feeding off the river to meet his daily nutritional value when he found Johnny and took him home, cause, you know, chicks dig babies. Ross adopted Johnny and used him as a babe magnet. When Johnny got older and was no longer cute enough to exploit, his father paid him back for all the pootang he got him by home-schooling him, teaching him everything he knew about tricking beautiful women into bed.

Johnny also had an imaginary friend named Melba Toast until he turned eighteen. Other parents would have been troubled by the length of their friendship, but this did not concern his father. Johnny may have been completely out of his mind, but it was preferable to the trauma that would have accompanied the knowledge that he had no friends. Ross Jefferies did not teach him the social skills needed to make friends. Instead, he taught him how to pick up chicks. And the come on lines that he used on his peers did not make him in-demand as a friend. Instead, the pick-up lines made them beat the shit out of him.

The neighborhood children thought Johnny was a weirdo, hated him, and made fun of him at every opportunity. They referred to him as “Johnny Sweatpants” because he never wore sweatpants. This was peculiar because none of them wore sweatpants either. After finding out the explanation behind his moniker, Johnny wore sweatpants every day. But it was of no use. The neighborhood children kept referring to him by his nickname and beating the shit out of him after he complimented their beautiful blue eyes.

Upon reaching 18, he and Melba Toast agreed to a suicide pact. But while Melba Toast was able to decapitate himself by pulling off his own head, Johnny was only able to give himself a neck ache, which he was able to relieve by applying an ice pack. Then he went into a period of depression due to the loss of his only friend and his inability to do anything right. This ended when he blundered into a pet store one day and bought a thirty pound python named Lloyd. Shortly after, his father told him he needed to get a job so he could afford his own place to live since Johnny was past the legal age. Johnny applied to a temp agency, received his first assignment doing clerical work for a cemetery, and found out he was very skilled with things like knowing his ABCs, taking orders, and kissing ass. Many other temporary assignments followed, and Johnny moved into a crummy apartment that he shared with an immaculately clean psychopath who hadn’t killed yet, but it was inevitable.

Johnny continued to wear sweatpants, except for at work, where it was mandatory to wear khaki pants. Since sweatpants were so comfortable, his biggest challenge at temp assignments was fighting against the urge to pull down his pants and run around the office screaming.

By this time in his life, Johnny was less socially inept, but still pretty bad. At least he could distinguish between how he should interact with the different genders. And although he still hits on women outside of work (which is the only way he knows how to act with them), this sort of behavior stopped at work after a number of sexual harassment suits sent him straight. After this, he only used three phrases when conversing with women in the workplace: yes, no, and I would prefer not to.

And of course, Johnny was still a virgin, and very lonely. He also had the ingrained fear of impregnating a woman who he had never been intimate of and having to face the consequences. He tried the bar scene, but didn’t have much luck, so he took up bank robbery. He figured women would be attracted to him because he thinks bad boys have good luck with women. And the fact that they’re under extreme stress, with a guy in a Richard Nixon mask pointing at their heads, helps a little too. So he’s been at the bank robbery game for years, and hasn’t had much luck finding a woman to have sex with, although it’s been really close. And being a temp worker makes it really easy for him to find the time to cross the border and hang out in Mexico until the heat dies down. He always makes sure to tell his agency whenever he’ll be unavailable.

So with each robbery, he takes a semi-beautiful woman hostage and travels with her down to Mexico, but they usually lose interest in him before he’s able to “become a man” and go back to the States without him. He’s not concerned with the money that he makes from his bank robberies. He uses it for his getaway, to pay off the right people, and to buy delicious sandwiches. He’s fairly well off, but always feels the need to do an honest day’s work when he’s out of danger, so he travels back to the U.S. to temp. It makes him feel better about being a criminal.

Johnny is known by the press as The Nixon Bandit for obvious reasons.

I'm auctioning off the movie rights to Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

2010-12-12T21:47:00.006-05:00

Here is a link to the Ebay listing: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=190479648232#ht_2564wt_89

And the item description:

Have you ever optioned a movie? If so, you probably paid tons of money for one story.

One story! Is that all?

Personally, I think you were ripped off.

I am auctioning off the movie rights to my book, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, which contains 52 stories.

52 stories! That’s a lot of bang for your buck. It’s enough stories for you to release one movie a week for an entire year. Enough to start a movie empire!

Also, you will have the rights to the title, “Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy.” Who wouldn’t watch a movie called that? The title will appeal to a demographic that includes EVERYONE. Toddlers, teenagers, middle-agers, senior citizens. No one will be able to resist.

Never optioned a book before? Well, that’s ok. Because this is a great choice for your first time.

Do you have no idea how to make a movie? Don’t worry about it! You can learn as you film. Screw up one story and you will have 51 more to choose from, including these potential smash hits:

The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire

Cormac McCarthy

Alligator in Space

Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer

A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him

And many, many, many more.

You can’t lose!

So let the bidding begin…

A legally binding contract will be sent to the winning bidder.

Find Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy at Amazon.com. For more information, visit www.bradleysands.com and www.lazyfascist.com.

The bidding ends on Wednesday, December 22 at 8:53 PM EST.

It Came from Below the Belt is going out of print on December 14th

2010-12-02T16:04:00.003-05:00

...so now would be a good time to buy it if you've been meaning to.

It is my first published book (and my first published novel) and I am very fond of it.

You can get it through Amazon.

Here is the back cover synopsis:

Meet Grover Goldstein: Twenty-First Century rascal, trainee provocateur, boy next door who won't stop snickering at you from behind the lawn gnome. Swallowed by a giraffe and regurgitated oodles of years into the future, Grover must satisfy his urge to go home—even if it means going back to high school and helping his severed, and sentient, penis win the presidential election.

Come along to Assumption High as Grover tries to answer the age-old question, "What if I had forgotten then what I don'’t know now?"

And blurbs:

"Bradley Sands’ debut novel is an absurdist dreamscape that subverts the physical laws of the world as we know it and exposes a brilliant new arena of bizarro existence. In It Came from Below the Belt, the body becomes a surreal, grotesque playground as enfant terrible Grover Goldstein tears through the libidinal fabric of time and space on an uncanny journey to the end of the night. This is speculative fiction at its best. Sands is a talented, fearsome, comic visionary who will usher you into the psychedelic matrix of futurity." - D. Harlan Wilson, author of The Kafka Effekt, Stranger on the Loose, and Pseudo-City

"Reading the work of Bradley Sands caused me to vomit happiness and sunshine from my eyeballs. Highly recommended." - Kevin Donihe, author of Shall We Gather at the Garden? and editor of Bare Bone

"I came, I saw, I read, I laughed, I fell out of my chair. You're more unstable than I am. Well done! Just beware those big brawny guys with the net. They're faster than they look. And you've got more books to write. Rock on." - Kris Saknussemm, author of Zanesville

A link to an excerpt:

http://www.bradleysands.com/excerpt.htm

And Lucas Aguirre's cover art:

Guest Blog with Seth Schultz

2010-11-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

(Seth Schultz came up with the title for my newest book. I interviewed him a couple of years ago here. And I wrote a blog entry about him here.)

Hanging out with Brad is an interesting thing. The man's mind is always at work brainstorming new ideas and fine tuning his current writing projects. There is a level of precision in his writing that, as a slacker, I just don't get. But as a thinker I absolutely love. It is easy to get caught up in the process and want to throw your own ideas out just to participate.

Most of the time I would come up with half joke ideas. I am not a bizarro reader or writer, but I can come up with good ideas. On the rare occasion I come up with one Brad like he usually encourages me to use it and write something. But no, I am a slacker. When I came up with “Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy,” I happily let him use it.

It is a powerful title I must admit. Regret, destruction, and taboo sex in five words. I actually did go to a sort of orgy thing in the past. It was college, I was a sort of mini cult-leader/celebrity at the time and I knew some interesting people. But there is nothing quite like being a shy, physically and emotionally awkward man in a house full of mostly rambunctious, beautiful lesbians I had crushes on. It wasn't like a 70s porn orgy. I went, had a good time, hung out with awesome people while naked. Still, there is a particular human pain one experiences when feeling unwanted chastity around so much sensuality. Being self conscious of your unwanted self restraint. Knowing that by being chaste you are kind of killing the vibe. I think Leonard Cohen even wrote about how much shy people at orgies suck.

So yeah, that's where the idea came from. I kind of distilled it into something most people can recognize, then gave it to Brad, who let it blossom into the piece in his book, which I think also conveys that strange energy well.

Book review solicitations

2010-11-02T22:41:00.000-04:00

Would anyone who does reviews for a publication of any sort like to review my new book, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy? If so, contact me (It is a collection of prose poetry and short stories, and the first book published by Lazy Fascist, a new imprint of Eraserhead Press.

You can read more info about the book in the last entry (which may or may not be below, depending on how you are reading this).

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy and the event Thursday

2010-10-12T18:02:00.002-04:00

My new book, Sorry Ruined Your Orgy, is now available here. It is a collection of prose poetry and short stories, and the first book published by Lazy Fascist, a new imprint of Eraserhead Press.

Here's the description:

Bizarro humorist Bradley Sands returns with one of the strangest, most hilarious collections of the year.

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, the pope gets sued, a headless man falls in love with a bowl of rice, and architects dismantle the earth. A war breaks out over greeting cards. A suicidal amputee tries to kill himself. William S. Burroughs becomes an amateur archaeologist and Tao Lin drinks an ape-flavored smoothie.

Between a breakfast of clocks, a lunch date with Adolf Hitler, and breakdancing in outer space, anything is possible in the work of Bradley Sands. Just never wear a bear costume to an orgy.

And the blurbs:

"Nothing I could dream up compares to the strangeness and wildness of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy. You should read this book." - SHANE JONES, author of Light Boxes

"Words cannot express what Bradley Sands can do with words. Every page in this book is shocking, hilarious, sad and surprising. Reading it is like crowd-surfing a bookstore full of basketball players on MDMA." - MYKLE HANSEN, author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me!

"Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy is like an Adult Swim show written by Russell Edson." - CARLTON MELLICK III, author of The Faggiest Vampire

And Sam Pink did the cover art.

Also, The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day is coming up fast and furiously on Thursday.

This morning, I woke to Betty White's maniacal attempt to prevent it from happening, to the sounds of octogenarian fists punching through walls. The deceased members of The Golden Girls lurched towards me out of the cracks, moaning, "coupons, coupons" while staring intently at my skull and licking their putrid lips.

I said, "Stop! This is inappropriate! You are desecrating your memory! I feel greatly offended on your behalf! You are The Golden Girls! The Golden Girls are...awesome!"

But they did not stop frightening me, so I was forced to pick up a Seinfield DVD case and beat them with it (gently, and with a great deal of respect) until they vacated my premises.

Your necromancy can't stop The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day, Betty White! Nothing can stop it, Betty! Nothing!

And I just want to pause here to mention that if you want to take advantage of Amazon's free Super Saver Shipping (where you have to buy $25 worth of stuff), Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy would make a good companion book, although you would still be missing a few dollars. I suggest buying a pair of 3D glasses or fruit or something to make up the difference. Or if you want your book selections to be a little more diverse, I recommend a volume of the Captain Underpants series.

The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day

2010-08-29T20:50:00.016-04:00

I declare October 14th The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day. To celebrate this day, I ask that you go to Amazon.com and buy the softcover version of my new-ish story collection, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! Do this, and you will also have the opportunity to win some neato prizes. You may also celebrate the day by helping me get the word out about the book.

Read below to learn of my recent experiences with malignancy and my plan to conquer all evil:

“My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!” is a story that was supposed to appear in my short story collection, which shares the same title. Due to either supernatural malignancy or the efforts of sinister actress, Betty White, the story vanished from the book after it was sent to the printer.

My publisher and I tried many times to correct the mysterious omission, but each attempt resulted in failure. Soon, the file containing the story deleted itself from my computer. Luckily, I originally wrote it in a notebook, so it was not lost forever. But when I tried to transcribe the story into my word processor, the computer exploded.

Considering I never give up when faced with adversary, I tried many more computers, and they all exploded. And since I live well below the poverty line, I was forced to steal all the computers. The story has turned me into a criminal!

Also, there is something very peculiar about the handwritten copy of the story. You’ll probably think I’m totally crazy, but at night while I sleep, I’m woken up by the story’s words floating off the page to film dating shows for television. I don’t know why this is so freakin’ great, but I’ve been approached by tons of rogue government agencies who keep trying to buy the handwritten story from me for ridiculous sums of money.

I was seriously considering taking one of those creeps up on his offer, because I am living below the poverty line, but decided to sleep on it. That night, a person smashed through my roof and tried to steal it. They were wearing a mask and a tight, black leather outfit. A cord was tied to them, which was attached to a helicopter that hovered in the sky above the hole in my roof. I fought the intruder off by engaging in a tickle war. And I totally rule at tickle wars. While I was annihilating them, I ripped off their mask. And the intruder’s true identity was revealed: It was Betty White!

Embarrassed by her defeat, Betty White pushed a button on her tight leather outfit and her cord lifted her back up to the helicopter. Then she and her infernal flying machine escaped.

Now I’m super pissed. Betty White isn’t going to get my story! A rogue government agent isn’t going to get my story! I’m giving my story to a person who helps me get my revenge against Miss White, and maybe this person is you.

So listen, this is my plan: On October 14th, I will get my revenge on Betty White, but I need your help. Currently, Betty White's autobiography, Here We Go Again: My Life In Television, is a bestseller on Amazon even though it won't be released until two day before The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day). With your assistance, we can defeat its sales rank. All you need to do is buy my book, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! on October 14th. It would also be a huge help if you could promote this event on places like facebook and twitter and in your blog. Also, I encourage you to use these means to let the public know of any sightings of Betty White or other reptoid aliens. Also, feel free to tell us about your turn-ons and turn-offs if you’re interested in appearing on the disembodied letters’ dating show (you just might be the next contestant)!

Please help me get my revenge on the actress, who I’m pretty sure is a reptoid alien beneath her kind grandmotherly looks.

And now you’re asking, “What’s in it for me?”

Well, besides being the proud owner of quality Bradley Sands literature, you will be eligible to win prices.

Grand Prize: A handwritten copy of the mysterious story, “My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes,” along with a lifetime subscription to all of my forthcoming books.

First Runner Up: A few porn magazines that I’ll buy from a nearby newspaper and tobacco shop. Must be 18 or over, otherwise, you will win a few teen magazines about hunky guys and cute girls. Also, the winner should let me know their tastes in pornography and I will attempt to cater to them.

Second Runner Up: A collection of random objects from my room!

So how do you win?

Once you receive your book, email the third word of the first sentence in the fifth paragraph on page 73 to bradleysands@gmail.com and you will be entered into a drawing. It’s that easy!

So help me annihilate Betty White! Not only will you get a cool book out of the deal and maybe win some awesome stuff, but you will also feel really good about yourself after. Say goodbye to any low self-esteem!

ACT NOW!

2010-04-13T19:17:00.005-04:00

My new story collection is officially out, so maybe I should promote it. The book is called My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! This morning while waiting for the bus, I saw a man on the side of the road. He was sweaty, wearing a statue of liberty costume, and holding a sign that said, "Two days left to file!" He was sweaty because he was dancing. I think he might have also been on crystal meth, or just a lot of gourmet coffee. I approached him and said, "Hey, statue of liberty. You're really good at promoting things. Can you help me promote my new book?" He sneered and set my clothes on fire with his torch. I ran around the street in slow motion. The effect of slow motion and not dying was achieved with the assistance of film and music video director, Spike Jonez. It cost me a lot of money, so I decided to stop running in slow motion and start promoting on my blog since it's a little cheaper. I may or may not still be on fire.

You can find all the info about the book here: www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

Also, I'm offering personalized, autographed (softcover) copies through my website. During this special one-time offer, I will use my eerie powers to predict the cause of your death. You may not know about my psychic abilities, but they are something fierce. A bunch of nights ago, I was walking down the street with superstar poet, Daniel Bailey, and I was all like, "What time is it? 2:30?" And then I looked at the clock on my cell phone and it was 2:30. It was freaky! And Daniel Bailey can back me up on that shit.

Already, I can see something comical interfering with your respiratory system's ability to function. Like Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. Yes, I'm talking to you, Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will die by....MAGNETS!!!

My skillz will delight your friends and family, helping them through their emotional pain with the power of laughter. Accuracy guaranteed or your money back.

Now I'm going to be totally redundant and give you that link again cause it's the place where you can make all of your death-revealing dreams come true: http://www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

It's like a commercial on TV or something where they repeat their toll free number fifty times.

And once again, that link is www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

Operators are standing by.

AWP Stuff

2010-04-03T18:01:00.007-04:00

I'm attending the conference in Denver. Psyched!

My second book, My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! is debuting there. But Amazon beat my publisher and I to the punch, so you can buy it from them NOW if you're not going to the conference: http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Said-but-Camera-Crew/dp/1933293934/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

If you are going, I'll be around HTMLGIANT's table during the book fair, so stop by and say hey.

I am participating in two readings, and I organized a third.

So here's the info:

Mud Luscious Press/flatmancrooked reading (Author Vs Puppet): Friday, April 9th. 4 pm during the book fair at the flatmancrooked table.

Readers: Me, Joanna Ruocco, Alyssa Knickerbocker, Molly Gaudry, Emma Straub, Elizabeth Ellen, Edan Lepucki, Jac Jemc, and Aaron Burch.

Two hours later:

The Velvet/Outsider Writer's Press reading: Also Friday, April 9th. 6 pm at Leela's European Cafe (820 15th Street)

$2 off any book with a drink purchase.

Readers: Me, Caleb J. Ross, Rayo Casablanca, Richard Thomas, Nik Korpon, Gavin Pate, Gordon Highland, Paul Eckert, and some other dudes.

And introducing the Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens Reading Series: Elevator-permitting, a few of our contributors will read their short work during various times throughout the book fair. Meet at HTMLGIANT's table at the specified times if you would like to be a listener. Space is extremely limited.

Ryan Bradley (Thursday, 12 PM)
Amelia Gray (Thursday, 1:30 PM)
Matthew Simmons (Friday, 1...:30 PM)
Mike Young and Gabe Durham (doubleheaders, mystery time and mystery day)

Blurbs for My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes!

2010-03-16T15:42:00.003-04:00

Here are the blurbs so far. Thanks, guys!

"There's a place past all reason, most possibility, and all the jokes I can think of. A place shaped kind of like the human heart. Bradley Sands doesn't write about this place, but he writes from it, pushing farther into the unguessable with each word, each scene."
—Stephen Graham Jones, author of Demon Theory & It Came From Del Rio

"A Bradley Sands story is not like any story you’ve read before… [Sands] discounts reality in a way that renders it obsolete. The book’s strength lies in the way irreverent images are juxtaposed, repeatedly, often rhythmically, creating a sensation that has no use for the traditional confines of literature."
—Outsider Writers Collective & Press

"There is a disorienting alchemy at work in Bradley Sands' fiction. Here phantasmagoria shifts into stand-up and the avant-garde saddles up besides the geek. Imagine: a hyper-palimpsest beneath which burbles a heady brew of surrealism, poetry, memoir, and horror all set to a DaDa soundtrack that sounds surprisingly like the End of the World."
—Rayo Casablanca, author of 6 Sick Hipsters and Very Mercenary

"Reading this collection is like ingesting a bag of fun-colored candy, removing your stomach, and then taking it to a party for use as a pinata. Some readers will love these stories, some readers will hate them but, displayed throughout, is a true love of language and a generous dose of creativity." —Andersen Prunty, author of The Beard

things are happening

2010-02-15T16:16:00.005-05:00

Issue Y'aing'ngah of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens is out and available online as a free download.

It includes stories by Mykle Hansen, Brandi Wells, xTx, Nicole Cushing, Gabe Durham, R.E. Greene, and Jeff Lawhead. Contains book reviews of D. Harlan Wilson's Peckinpah and L.V. Rautenbaumgrabner's As I Was Cutting and Other Nastinesses. Cover art by Kristian Adam.

------------

My twilight wanderings had led me far. In the plains of Jum I saw pigs that walked as men and muttered wicked chants to an ancient wrathful god, in the city of Ka'esran, I beheld a chorus of wicked children piercing hearts with eldritch secrets meant for no man's ears, I met a lady whose most loving touch brought only pain and was almost deafened by the klaxons of interminable war! But, it was worth it to make it past the gibbering madnesses around me and into the company of the goddess Nish-Fkyua, The-Laugh-That-Mocks-Creation. Her skin was a thousand cats in tight corsets, her eyes two hungry Skramps, and her wide open vagina a Gnufrat of most resplendent hideousness. Her voice caused my fingernails to break off in unison and my eyes to melt into pools of jelly. But, what she told me, the ghastly primal, was worth the price I had paid and the untold millions of miles I had journeyed:

"Beyond the gates of Eth there lies a palace of dark opulence, where a king with no eyes sits upon pillows of manflesh waiting. He waits to lead the most courageous and foolish of men into a place of unspeakable horror and delight. He will take you to a golden door engraved with symbols in old Qothric that tell of the secret location of another door atop a perilous mountain where the Masters from Above Time meet every thousand years to plot the end of being. When you get there, you must...

BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS!

Get it here.

I'll be attending AWP in Denver from April 7-10. My story collection, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! will be debuting. I will be selling it at the HTMLGIANT table during the book fair (along with copies of It Came from Below the Belt, Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #9, and The Bizarro Starter Kit (Blue).

I'm also doing two readings:

Mud Luscious Press/Flatmancrooked Puppet-Theatre Reading - on April 9th, 4:00 pm, at the Flatmancrooked table during the bookfair.

and

OW Press/The Velvet Reading at Leela's European Cafe, on Friday, from 6-9: www.outsiderwriters.org/ow-press-the-velvet-reading-april-9th

In other news, Eraserhead Press is offering more free bizarro book PDFs until the end of the month: Andersen Prunty's Zerostrata and Carlton Mellick's The Haunted Vagina (which are two of my personal favorites), Jordan Krall's Piecemeal June, and the first two issues of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. I have a piece in the first issue titled, "How to Write a Short Story!" You can also find it online in an old issue of The Dream People, but the "The Magazine" issue also has a lot of other good stuff. Go here to download: www.bizarrocentral.com

Why I Write

2010-01-17T22:09:00.003-05:00

I used to think I did it because it's the only thing that I'm good at. And although that's somewhat true, I don't think it's the actual reason.

Another reason is that I get depressed when I go through a period of time without writing.

But here is the most significant reason:

I have done a writing exercise called "I remember" a number of times in classes where I was a student as well as a teacher. For the exercise, I would write "I remember" before each sentence and write about memories from my past. By doing this exercises, I have thought of things I have not remembered for years. Some of them I haven't remembered since they happened.

And this is related to the reason why I write. I never know what's going to be transferred from my brain and onto the screen (or the page). And it is always exciting to find out.

Question

2010-01-07T15:37:00.005-05:00

Does anyone (who is associated with a publication or review site) want to review my upcoming story collection? My publisher has a limited amount of review copies. The book is called My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! and Raw Dog Screaming Press is publishing it in April. You can go here for more info: www.rawdogscreaming.com/myheart.html

If you're interested, email me at bradleysands@comcast.net

New Project

2009-12-02T17:06:00.003-05:00

I'm going to write various prose poem-like things. The protagonist of each one will be a different author. It will be written in his/her style, but only somewhat, because I will put very little effort into doing this. I have already finished a piece with Cormac McCarthy.

To everyone who is reading this: Please tell me one author who you would like me to work with.

In other news: It's the last couple of weeks of the semester and shit is busy. Slowly working my way through essays and final portfolios. Only two more essays to go. Due next week. It sometimes feels like I'm getting a Master's in English rather than Creative Writing, which is a cruel fate because it's easier to find a job teaching literature than teaching writing, but I guess I don't really want to teach literature. But it would still beat working overnights at a gas station like I used to do.

Seasonal Affective Disorder has been getting me down lately. Might ask my mother to ship me my light box. One of the perks of working overnights is I didn't really suffer from S.A.D. I think what I found depressing is darkness early in the day. When I used to go to sleep in the light, I never had to experience this darkness. I just woke up in it. And for some reason, sleeping during the day is a lot more restful for me. I would never wake up and yell, "No!" because I didn't want to get out of bed. This now happens to me whenever I get up early for class.

Temporarily abandoned a novella. Going to start outlining another one soon.

Story-Interruptus

2009-11-19T17:07:00.004-05:00

I have always been frustrated by non-endings in literary fiction stories. They are such a convention in lit journals (and a few collections that I'm read for school). Maybe MFA programs teach their students to do them? This would explain why it occurs so often.

I feel so unsatisfied by these things whenever I read them. They come out of nowhere and it's like a punch to the gut. What is slight becomes dramatic. The author tries to force into finding meaning in the meaningless. What I feel is lazy writing is supposed to sound profound.

A reader develops an emotional detachment to a novel. The reader must be satisfied or the book will be considered a failure. All the time spent reading will be considered a waste of time. So an author must put in a lot of effort into creating their ending. But with a story, endings aren't as important. And considering the state of literary short fiction, I assume most readers don't care about the ending. They only care about what has come before it. So they give the writers permission to be lazy and write lackluster endings.

Have realized that I hate reading stories online but enjoy novels. It's more difficult for me to get into a piece of writing when it's on a computer monitor, but once that happens, it's smooth sailing from there. With stories, I'm usually unable to get into them before the story ends. I think Noah Cicero is probably my favorite writer to read online.

Once I went half deaf after trying to wax my ear out my a tube of ear wax removal stuff that I bought in the grocery store. My hearing isn't the greatest, so I wanted to see if it would improve it. And then I had swimmer's ear for a couple of days until it got so annoying that I went to the doctor and they flushed out my ear and it was wonderful. So I didn't have anything to read for those couple of days and felt too crappy to leave the house, so I bought a few ebooks from Raw Dog Screaming Press. I think they were all short story collections. Two books by Harold Jaffe, which were easy to get into because of his clear writing style. And one book by Darren Speegle, which I really should have been reading in print. His style was way too rich and baroque to be read on a computer screen. And years before this, I bought a couple of ebooks by Carlton Mellick III books and one by Kevin Donihe because they were cheaper than the physical books and was not sure they would be good. That's my origin as far as getting into bizarro fiction.

Right now I'm at my job in my college's computer lab. Part of my job seems to be spelling the word "boredom" for a woman and telling her what the glass is called at the front of a car: "windshield."

Also, five bizarro books are now available for download as free PDFs until Thanksgiving: Ass Goblins of Auschwitz, Super Fetus, Sausagey Santa, and both volumes of The Bizarro Starter Kit. I have a novella that appears in the "blue" edition. It is called Cheesequake Smash-up. It concerns a city-wide demolition derby between levitating buildings. Winner gets total supremacy over the fast food industry.

Carlton Mellick III wrote Sausagey Santa and it's a really good time. A light read so it's friendlier on-screen reading. The two Starter Kits also have a lot of good stuff, although each page consists of two columns of text, so the reading isn't as friendly. Here is the link:

www.jeffburk.wordpress.com/free-books