KG Squared

I Hate Lemonade.

2017-11-18T20:33:00.002-08:00

One year ago, yesterday, Kyle graduated from the police academy. To say we were excited would be an understatement. It had been a really long year prior to this and we were ready for some relief. We have struggled since the day we moved to Missouri and we felt this was finally the answer we were looking for.

Watching him graduate was a very satisfying moment for me. I knew how hard he had worked and how much he wanted this. We both felt so strongly that this was the career path fit for him and to see him finish was a wonderful feeling.

Upon graduating, many classmates had already been hired and over the next few months most of the remaining would follow in being hired.

It hasn't been for lack of interviews, he's done plenty of those. For several months, each interview brought exciting new prospects. We would picture ourselves living near or in that city, we looked at housing and imagined our family growing in those communities. We got our hopes up only to be repeatedly turned down for the job.

At first, we would be bummed for a bit and then jump back up with the same vigor as before. "It's okay. The Lord has a plan for us. It's not you, you'll get the next one." He even got so far in the hiring process with one department that we actually thought he was hired.

Wrong.

So we dragged ourselves through the heartache of not being hired; "It's okay, probably. It was a dumb reason. You don't want to work for a department who cares about that anyway. You'll get the next one. Heavenly Father knows what we need."

He had a few more interviews, finally got pretty far again with another department. We were cautious to get our hopes up for this one but it seemed like it could be really good for us.

The time frame they were looking to hire was going to be perfect for when baby #3 was due. Obviously this was going to be the job because Heavenly Father knew that we needed this. We were not making it on our own as it was and we were adding another child! Surely, Heavenly Father wouldn't let us be jobless now.

Denied.

Baby #3 arrived and at this point we felt very distraught. We started looking into and applying for other jobs. Anything with higher pay would be fine. With a bachelors degree and the academy under his belt, he is definitely qualified to get something!

I feel I need to clarify that this post is not a complaint.

"If we all threw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else's, we would grab ours back."

I believe this. There are many trials, and struggles that I know for sure I do not want to deal with.

I'm not looking for advice (but I won't turn it away). I'm not looking for anyone to fix my problems (but if you can, please do). And I'm not trying to make everyone feel bad for me (although you can feel bad with me. That's empathy, people.)

I want to put my story out there because I don't think I'm alone in my feelings. My story doesn't have a happy ending right now. In fact, there isn't much in my story that is happy.

Kyle still has not been hired. He hasn't even been able to get a better paying job to help until he does get in with a police department. I wouldn't even say that we are scraping by. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, we are drained.

I am going to basically quote this whole video, it's just that good! But watch it HERE because it says everything I feel!

She starts off by saying that she miscarried her second child, 5 days later her dad died and 6 weeks later her husband passed away. Pretty tough. I can not imagine all that loss piling up so quickly. Yuck.

"Everybody is so uncomfortable with discomfort. That's why I told people I was fine."

I read an article a long time ago and it talked about reconnecting with people. It talked about asking questions we really want to know answers to, and then being willing to honestly answer questions that people ask us.

The example given was the simple, but common greeting, "How are you?" followed by the all too common answers 'I'm good.' or 'I'm fine.' How often do we answer untruthfully? Just automatically respond with no thought to our answer because it's what we always say. Since reading that article, I have tried to answer more honestly.

And one thing that I have noticed is that people often don't know what to say when my response is a negative emotion. The response is often 'I'm sorry' and then the conversation is switched to other things to avoid discomfort.

I get that.

I struggle with that! Sometime's it is really hard to know what to say because we don't want to hurt or offend. But we have to stop pretending that we don't have emotions and feelings other than 'good' or 'fine!' If someone asks you how you are doing, tell them!

My best friend became my best friend because she let me be sad. She encouraged me to share my struggles and has continued to stick by my side through them! She lets me express my sadness and when I do, I often feel better and am able to find some joy out of that moment.

"Be okay with not being okay. Then make everyone else around you be okay with you not being okay."

Defeated, crushed and trapped.

Depressed, anxious, confused, angry.

Broken.

Exhausted.

Failure.

Hopeless.

Most of the time, I feel these emotions.

Yes, I have things that bring me joy. My kids, my husband, my family. They bring me pure, unequivocal, JOY! I am happy when I am with people that I love.

"You don't have to make lemonade out of lemons."

Guys, I hate lemonade. If you were to hand me a lemon, the last thing I would do with it is make lemonade. (Side note, the first thing I would do would be to try and magically turn it into chocolate. And if that didn't work I would throw it away.)

Maybe our 'lemons' come from choices we make. Maybe they come from choices others make. Or maybe lemons just arrive of their own free will. Maybe they sprout tiny feet, drop off the tree, scurry across the yard and let themselves in because this is life, and they are magic lemons, and lemons are the worst.

I know that there have been trials that I have brought on from my choices. I can see where I could have picked different things. But I can not go back in time and change those, and even if I did, it wouldn't necessarily fix the struggles that came for other reasons.

We love a sad story if it also comes with a triumph. We want people to take their lemons and make them into lemonade. Sometimes life doesn't even hand you lemons. It just hits you with them, repeatedly. And it's okay to just be like, 'That sucks, this is the worst. These are the worst lemons I've ever tasted."

I can't even begin to describe how much I relate to that. I have found that the best thing for me, right now, is to take my life day by day.

"Maybe the standard for suffering isn't that you become the very best at it. That you turn it into some hot, fire Instagram content. Maybe it's just that you survive it today."

Some people believe that prayer and faith bring blessings.

Others think that it is hard work that brings success.

There are those who believe in luck and opportunity.

I think I started off as the first. I truly believed that having God on my side would give us an advantage in life. With Him on our side we would be guided and directed to where we needed to be to get the job that was right for us.

God and a little hard work would surely bring success. So when the job continued to not come I figured we needed to work a little harder. Apply to more jobs, apply to jobs further away, I got a job.

Well, so far that hasn't worked either.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. There is something inside of me (drugs?*) that get's me out of bed each day. I might say it's hope, but I don't feel hopeful.

Each and every day is a struggle. Some days are better than others. Some days are even really, really good. Most days are stressful.

"If you're going through hell, you have to do nothing else except go through it."

Now, being the person that I am, I don't really want to just leave this on a depressing note. So I will quote a small part of the song 'When You Believe'

"Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill"

I don't wake up with excitement for the day. I rarely have fun things planned, schedules to follow or things to do. I don't often go to bed thinking that I am so blessed to be living the life that I am.

But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what I do have.

I have a wonderful best friend. She doesn't judge me for being a complainer.

I have AMAZING parents. They always know what to say, even when they don't know what to say! I am glad to have their example to follow.

I love my kids. They make life enjoyable. They are the reason I love my life. They make life worth living.

I love my husband. I don't know why no one has hired him because I think he is spectacular! When others would have given up, he has kept going, as hard as it has been.

When we are all together, we are happy.

It's okay to not know what to say when our friends or family are hurting. But the wrong thing to do is to try and fix it.

Watch THIS video about empathy (if you didn't watch it above).

When I am having a bad day, I know that I can call my parents and get no advice from them. They will literally say to me "We've been there and it sucks. I don't know what to tell you. But I'm glad you called and we love you."

And that is the perfect thing to hear. They don't pretend that life is perfect, or easy.

Maybe this post will help someone else. Maybe it will just make everyone uncomfortable.

Talking about my struggles makes them seem smaller and knowing that I am not alone helps me push through.

"Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly 'You got this. Keep going.'" (unknown)

*Don't worry. They're legal drugs. I have a prescription.

Elephants, Hippos and Giraffes!

2017-03-26T15:51:00.001-07:00

Dear children,

We decided to head to the zoo with Grandma Tracey one day.

As you can tell Kalvin, you are very excited! Although you certainly don't really have any trouble being excited at all.

The hippos were really entertaining that day. They just kept going back and forth. It was awesome for you to be able to see them so close.

You were putting your hand up as they went buy like you were petting them.

There were also a lot of big fish in the tank. So when the hippos were swimming elsewhere, you were still entertained by all the fish.

Elephants are always the highlight of the zoo.

Kalvin, you always take life on the easy road. Feet up, kickin back, letting everyone else do all the work. Dad and I love having you kids to take places. The way you react to new things makes life so much more enjoyable!

When we got back from the zoo, there was a package waiting for us from Grandma Sandra and Grandpa Jim. They sent 'If You Give a Moose a Muffin' for Kacie and 'If You Give a Dog a Donut' for Kalvin.

Grandma sent me some mumus to help make it easier to get around the house

And, my favorite part, a giraffe necklace, because she loves me.

The best part is that several years ago she gave me these giraffe earrings, so now I wear them together and they help me feel better when I am sad.

You are lucky to have grandparents both near and far that love you and love to do fun things for you!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Baby Feet, Lunch Date and New Hair!

2017-03-23T16:34:00.001-07:00

Dear kids,

You guys always make me laugh.

Although I don't exactly remember what you're doing here, Kacie.

I bought some makeup from the dollar store and then scraped it out and put nail polish in. It's really awesome! And you love to pretend to put make up on.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you two. I think that our babies will always be born loving water. Daddy always says that the bath is where you will start your training for the Olympics.

No pressure, but you're already way behind Michael Phelps.

Your sweet Aunt Kassidi took me out for lunch one day. We went to Fitz's for some small appetizers and delicious floats. We also chose to sit at the bar. It was pretty exciting because neither of us have ever really done that... although, we only ordered non-alcoholic beverages...

These floats are seriously amazing. We need to go back there soon...

On our way home we were driving behind this van. It was creeping us out because it looks like there is a head leaning off to the side. We tried to catch up to get a better view but ended up going different ways. I really just want to know what it actually was!

When we got home, You were having a tea party with grandma, I think.

You have so much fun playing with all of the kitchen stuff. And you certainly make some delicious tea!

Well Kalvin, you have officially started doing my favorite thing that babies do - grabbing your feet! I think it is just the cutest, silliest thing! I just love that babies are proportioned so that grabbing their feet is just natural, but when adults do it, or even Kacie, it just starts to look uncomfortable!

You dad and I are so lucky to have such good sleepers. You are sleeping through the night and I'm not having to nurse you a lot. Look how relaxed and comfortable you are! Not a care in the worls, except getting your needed shut eye!

Aunt Ang bought you this dress Kacie. It is just the cutest little thing and I love it with this bright pink. You are getting so big and love having your picture taken.

Swinging with Aunt Kassidi

I was down stairs, probably nursing Kalvin and I looked over and there was Kacie, peeking through the window! The windows are slightly tinted so you had to get really close to see.

Kalvin, throwing up gang signs while watching me do laundry. I think you look like your dad in this picture! And its not because of the gang sign!

I believe that I was laying on the ground watching you guys play. Kalvin was probably doing tummy time. Kacie came over with a pillow and made us all lay on them.

Kalvin clearly wasn't sure what was going on.

But then he must have realized he was looking at himself and he was good!

Unfortunately, Missouri has not been nice to my hair. It must be a combination of the humidity and the fact that I just had a baby, but I was in definite need of a haircut. And I love it!

Missouri has brought a lot of changes for us and my hair is not really the most exciting. I can't wait to start exploring all the fun things that are here!

love,

mom and dad

Catching Up

2017-03-22T19:06:00.005-07:00

Dearest Kiddos,

Well, this post has pictures from like, July of 2015 and it is currently March 22 of 2017.

Wowzers. I am behind!

Living in the basement made it hard to sit and type without some disruption from you two. But I have kept notes on my phone and continued taking pictures of your adorable faces and of our somewhat exciting lives.

Unfortunately, because so much time has lapsed, I don't always remember if there is a story behind the picture or if it was just cute. I will do my best, or I'll just fake it til I make it!

Now I am determined to get caught up and continue to document your lives because I think it will be so fun for you to look back and see yourselves growing up.

One thing that is nice about living with your parents is that it is really easy to go out without the kids! So we left them one evening and went to dinner - I believe the cheesecake factory - and then went to downtown St. Charles.

We had a lot of fun just exploring what Main Street has to offer. Its mostly just little shops but there are also statues all along.

We can't believe how big you are getting Kacie. My favorite thing that you have done lately was the other day you were hungry. You had asked for snacks and I said I would get them in a minute, I wasn't sure where they were. Then you looked around and said "Snaaaacks! Wher'd gooo?!"

You still love nursery and had no problem adjusting to a new nursery. I love it because it makes you sleepy!

I don't think you were actually as unhappy as you look in this picture, Kalvin. Kacie just really wanted to hold you and how could I say no to that cute face?!

While living with your grandparents, you both became very interested in their glasses. You were often pulling them off their faces and running around in them.

When Kacie was a baby she would spit up huge amounts, once. Kalvin, you spit up all the time, all day, everywhere. We have to keep you contained on a towel or blanket. I don't know what we will do when you start crawling!

I found these sunglasses at Target and you love them! Except you don't ever seem to get them on the right way!

We are going to attempt to start potty training you, but it will be difficult as there is not a bathroom in the basement. You are excited about your new Minnie Mouse seat though.

When we moved here to Missouri, we thought we had a good plan. Turns out it hasn't been a great one (hindsight isn't very helpful) and we've had a lot of tough days. I took this picture of me with my Puppy from when I was a little kid. It was not a great week and I hugged Puppy a lot. I'm not saying you need a stuffed animal for the rest of your life, but I do want you to know that it's ok to cry sometimes! Life isn't always easy and it is more difficult if you don't work through your emotions. Don't bottle them up! Your dad and I will always be available for a hug too!

This slide has been a great purchase. You love it so much, and its great for me because I don' have to take you outside every time you want to slide.

Kacie, your hair will always be a great source of jealousy for me. It is perfect in every way! Now I just need to work on parting your hair and it will be flawless. I love giving you little French braids because they make you seem older, and it's adorable!

I sometimes wonder if you will ever grow hair Kalvin. You are bald, and that is opposite of Kacie! Fortunately for you, Your dad and I make cute children with or without hair!

You really are such a handsome little man. I can't believe that you are mine!

We have really enjoyed watching you both grow lately. You both bring so much joy into our lives!

And more importantly, you make us look good.

Chubby, sleeping babies are always a good thing to take a picture of.

And cute little girls in cute little dresses, too!

There Will Always Be Good

2016-09-11T20:12:00.002-07:00

I was living in California and I was in 6th grade.

We were on our way to school, my sister, my dad and I. One of us was telling a story, pointless probably, when my dad told us to stop talking and he turned up the radio (how rude).

He said something about the pentagon, he was shocked but I really didn't understand what he meant. A plane crashed into a building in New York? How far was New York anyway? I was young enough that the weight of what this meant did not effect me right away.

15 years later, with my husband attending the Eastern Missouri Police Academy, my view on the events of September 11, 2001 has drastically changed.

411 emergency workers (60 police, 343 firefighters, 8 paramedics) left their homes on September 11th and never went back home. 411 people gave their lives trying to save the lives of others. 411 people dedicated their careers and thus, their lives to serving the communities in which they lived.

Soon I will be sending my husband out the door everyday, not knowing if he will make it back home alive. He might not be going out to the aftermath of a terrorist attack, but he will be going out to fight for the safety of the civilians in his community.

I know that the world is kind of a scary place to be right now. In the middle of Kyle's 6 month program, Police officers have been at the center of a lot of the hate. There has been ample opportunity to quit. There have been numerous times where I could have told him 'No more. I can't handle it.'

But I also believe the world that we are living in, the heartache and anger that we constantly feel, are part of the plan.

"For thousands of years, followers of Jesus Christ have looked forward to the Second Coming... But before the Savior comes, the people of the earth will experience great trials and calamities. The prophets have warned that the earth will experience great turmoil, wickedness, war and suffering."

"The time before the Second Coming will be a time of trouble such as the earth has never known." Daniel 12:1

"All things shall be in commotion and fear shall come upon all people."

Doctrine and Covenants 88:91

But prophets have given us this counsel "Be not discouraged when we tell you of perilous times for they must shortly come." "The Lord gives us these signs to help us. We can put our lives in order and prepare ourselves and our families for those things yet to come."

Despite the evil out there, I am excited for Kyle's career choice. I think about those emergency workers that responded to the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

They didn't back down.

They put on their uniforms and their brave faces, and they gave their lives for a great cause. Those men and woman wanted a career that allowed them to make a difference.

I think of those families left behind. Their heartache was overwhelming. But their pride was overflowing. Pride for their loved ones selflessness.

I hope I never have to feel the heartache of September 11th. But when there is great suffering, there is great love.

If there is anything that those events can teach us, it is that love will always win. Love will shine through the darkness.

Whether you believe in God or not, you can't deny the existence of good and evil.

And if you look for it, there will always, always be good out there.

Growing Up!

2016-01-30T15:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Kiddos,

YOU'RE BOTH GROWING SO MUCH!!

I don't know why I felt like I needed to yell that…

Kacie, you still love to read and I still love that you love to read! (I need to start reading again…)

Sometimes Kalvin, I realize that I have so many pictures of Kacie doing nothing, because I was required to send daily pictures to your grandparents and aunts and uncles. And it's not that I don't take lots of pictures of you, it's just that it really isn't easy to take pictures of you doing nothing because when you're doing nothing, I have to be taking care of your sister.

Anyway, Sometimes I remember that and so I will snap a picture of whatever it is you are doing that moment and then I get precious gems like this one where you're in a milk-drunk-mouth-hanging-open-coma and I LOVE them!

I've mentioned several times that Kacie you love to be doing what Kalvin is doing, but you really just love to be doing what everyone is doing. So one day when dad was mowing the lawn, you really wanted to be out there with him! And once he had you strapped on, you stayed there the whole time! It's a good thing you're a small 2 year old because you're at the end of the carriers weight limit.

Sometimes, we like to test you kids limits… That probably sounds harsh, but it's all harmless as long as we catch you! When we hold you on your sides Kalvin you will support your weight with your legs so I figured I would just test it out. At 3 months old you held yourself up (with the help of the chair obviously) for almost a full minute!

Hanging out with Aunt Kassidi

Ok Kacie, you are really growing up so fast! You love your Uncle Devin. Every day, you walk around saying "Deeeeviiiiiin! Where are you???" One day you and I were sitting and eating breakfast. I was drinking some water in this cool cup when all the sudden you made the Kyle face, got really excited and said "Devin! Devin! Devin!" and I said "I don't think Devin is here right now." And you were still really excited and then pointed to this kid on my cup! You thought your Uncle Devin was on the cup! And that is how your Uncle Devin joined the band One Direction.

For graduation your daddy got a bike trailer. We are working on getting the bike to pull the trailer! but for now, we set it up and went for a walk. Kalvin slid around a lot. This was definitely not made for infants, but thats ok, we will try again in a while!

Kalvin, you are rolling over now! It feels so different as you reach milestones because we also have Kacie to pay attention too. So we are really excited when you do things but it feels like they happen so fast! I need you to slow it down and stay little for a while longer, thanks.

You are really starting to get interested in toys and I love this mat thing because you kids always seem to end up this way! Maybe the manufacturers should take note that you want to be 'covered' with toys.

Grandma Tracey bought you these adorable PJ's. You look so dapper!

Kacie wanted to get a picture in her jammies too!

Cool dude!

Unfortunately because we are living with your grandparents, we don't have a great place to put the jumper. Kacie hung out in this aaaallll the time, and we think it really helped her to start walking as early as she did (although every kid is different). Anyway, I try to put you in it as much as I can but I think you like to be on the ground more. But maybe it's because your little feet are on tile and also because you throw up a lot and slip in it, yuck! Whatever the case, you are cute! Only 6 months and we will know if it helped you walk or not!

Whenever I let you play on the iPad, Kacie, I always make you stop and talk to me every once in a while (it makes me feel less guilty). This time I told you to smile and you took out your pacifier and said "cheese!"

You are in this phase where you put your foot on the table while you eat. I think you keep doing it because it gets a reaction. People laugh at you so you have to put on a show! Hopefully you'll grow out of it, but for now it's cute.

You are an amazing artist! You actually try to color in the lines occasionally.

But sometimes you miss and get it on your face...

Or my knee...

But you get really focused when you color.

It's very cute!

Kalvin, you fell asleep on the floor one morning. I wish I could fall asleep as easily as you! Your daddy is so good. He will wake up with you early in the morning and hang out with you while you decide sleeping at 5:00 am isn't cool.

Hanging out with my kiddos!

We were at Target one night and we walked past the most adorable little syrup bottles. I picked one up and was showing your dad and probably saying something like "look at this adorable little baby syrup! We should have another baby! Isn't it the cutest little bottle you've ever seen?"

Anyway, I was taking a picture of it to send to your Aunt Ang and then you took it from me and said 'Take picture!' so I took a picture!

We were really hoping to potty train you by now. I've been reading about it a little and a lot of people say wait until the kid is ready. So I decided to buy you some panties to just let you try them out and see how you feel about the idea of going on the toilet. This was the first time you had them on and you were hilarious!

I think you liked how they felt, and obviously the fact that they have Minnie Mouse on them!

You were dancing around and smiling in them! So we will see how potty training goes!

One of my favorite things is baby burritos! I just love to stare at you guys sleeping when you are bundled up like a tiny, delicious, adorable burrito!

Aunt Kassidi was babysitting for the week so she brought the kids over one morning. You always LOVE being with other kids, even if they are slightly intimidated by you Kacie!

It's hard to imagine how you two will be in 6 months. You grow and change so much each day that I get excited thinking about what you will be doing in 180 days!

But don't change too much because that will make us miss our babies!

We love you!

Mom and Dad

The Strawberry and The Attack of The Ice Machine

2015-10-25T17:39:00.002-07:00

Dear Kacie,

You seriously have the best personality. You're so animated just in your facial expressions.

You make this one face that your Grandma Sandra and Grandpa Jim dubbed the Kyle face because they say it's a face that your daddy would totally make.

One night you and I were chilling at the counter munching on some Strawberries.

When all of the sudden the ice machine dropped some ice in the bucket and you freaked out!

"Whus zhat!!??!?!"

And luckily I whipped out my camera quick enough that I caught 'the face'

I explained that it was just some ice dropping and you went back to munching your strawberries.

Seriously. How are you so cute!?

We love that face of yours!

Birthday Presents, Bald Spot and Walking With Daddy

2015-10-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

Kacie, you like to be doing what Kalvin is doing so we often find you snuggled up right next to him, or on top of him, but we try to get you before you actually lay on him!

Kalvin, when you were born, we just gave you the pacifier that the hospital provided, but eventually we wanted you to use these cute baseball ones we have. Well, it turns out that you hate them. So occasionally I will try to get you to suck on them but it only lasts for a few seconds until you realize I've tricked you!

Tummy time is going well, you're really getting good at lifting up your head! You definitely don't look exactly like Kacie but sometimes I get a glimpse of her in you, like your eyes!

Kacie, you got a package in the mail one day for your birthday from great grandparents and aunts!

You got a cute new outfit with matching flip flops. You got some pretty new Sunday shoes too. They're a little big but you will grow into them and then I won't have to buy you more shoes. Yay!

You're always trying to pick Kalvin up. And when he is in his bouncer, you will get over him like this and then bounce him like crazy! And he loves it.

It's a terrible picture but you enjoy having your nails painted and you like them to look like mine so sometimes we have matching nails and I love that. I can't wait until you're older, we can send daddy and Kalvin to go do something manly and we can go get our nails done! Daddy will have to have a job by then of course, but i'm sure he will!

I think it's cute how flexible babies are. I also think about how I need to keep you guys stretching all the time so that you just never lose your flexibility. I am not flexible at all, like I am negative flexible basically. Anyway, My point is that I wish I could fall asleep anywhere, like Kalvin pictured below, and still be comfortable, but I'm pretty sure my legs don't do that.

You're getting more and more obsessed with Frozen every day Kacie. And when people don't want to take care of you they just put Let It Go on and it entertains you. Personally, I'm getting sick of it, but I suppose that's just what happens when you're a parent. (My mom said it was Little Mermaid for her and I'm like "calm down mom. She just wants to be 'part of your world'")

You're also scared of the thunder in Frozen. Whenever you hear it you'll run to me and bury your head saying 'thudder. I scared'

Here is a picture of the cute outfit you got for your birthday!

Well, inevitably, you were going to see me nursing since that is all I do. Lately you've started sitting in my rocking chair and laying a towel on your lap saying 'boots. boots.' (<--boobs) and pointing to your lap. When I feed Kalvin I lay him on a towel.

And you'll try to take off your shirt, because when I'm downstairs nursing, I just take my shirt off. One time Kalvin was nursing but he unlatched and looked around. You came over Kacie and tried to push his head back and said "keep eat. You do it!" You're such a positive influence Kacie, cheering Kalvin on like that.

It's cool how observant you are of what goes on around you!

Like one day, I was sitting on the floor and you came up behind me and just ran your hand across my bum and said 'butt' and it was really random but totally adorable. I'm not exactly sure what you were doing but I'll be you were copying us naming your body parts. And then you just made the connection that if you have a bum, mommy must have one too!

I think you're a little more excited to hold Kalvin then he is to be held by you! You really do like to be involved with him. Lately you've been helping me change his diaper. You'll pull the tabs open and then get a wipe and 'help' wipe.

Also, you say 'pider' instead of 'diaper' so I started having you copy me. I'd say di and then you would. Then i'd say per and you would say it. Then I'd say diaper and you'd say 'pider.'

We'll get it eventually though. I mean you're only 2.

Here you are all ready to go swimming in your new suit! I'm totally jealous of your suit. Seriously, I want it!

We aren't really sure why but Kacie you are really against violence. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but when dad and his brothers are together, they wrestle a lot and it can happen with no notice. So they will start wrestling and you will yell at them "No! No hit! Stop!" and try to get in and stop them from fighting. I'll sometimes have to hold you back so you don't get hurt!

Missouri is so different from anywhere that I have lived. This is someones backyard.

And this is their side yard.

I mean seriously. This is gorgeous.

Not everyone's yards are like this.

But the fact that they can be this green and leafy is just shocking to this AZ girl. I love Arizona, but Missouri is growing on me. These views are just stunning and I love it!

Kalvin, you're pretty much bald anyway, but you've got a bald spot on your head from it rubbing on the ground. your sisters was super noticeable because she had a lot of dark hair at this age, but lucky for you, it's not as noticeable as your dads! (don't tell him I said that!)

You are just the cutest little boy. Your smile makes my heart smile. It gets me through the rough patches. I thrive on baby smiles!!

Ok Kacie. It's time.

It's time to talk about your mane. It's getting out of control!

But seriously, your hair is perfect and I love it.

And once we comb it and work with it a little, it turns out looking stellar. And perfect for a walk with your dad.

We love you two!

Love,

Your Parents

3 Months!

2015-10-25T16:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Kalvin,

3 MONTHS!!

I am so surprised it's been 3 months. It went by so quickly.

You love to try and get your whole fist in your mouth, you're almost there too!

You eat about every 3 hours still. I'm so glad that I'm able to nurse you kids but man, it really takes a toll on me. Fortunately you've been much better than Kacie. Unfortunately, you spit up worse than her - which I didn't think, or rather, didn't want to believe possible!

You've started rolling over, and I think it's to get away from your sister!

But she just loves you so much! I know that you're aware of her, but I don't think you're excited about her yet. You just seem a little confused, like 'why is she always in my face?'

You're not sitting on your own but you want to be! And dad is already teaching you to walk, so that should be coming soon…well, maybe not for another 6 months.

You sleep great. I usually get at least 5 hours of sleep, but usually more.

You've already proven yourself worthy of Gonthier-hood because you love bath time!

You are a very happy baby!

Unless you're hungry.

And I feel like you're always hungry, but that's just part of being a baby.

Actually, when I was taking these pictures and you were crying, I remember thinking "well these will be accurate because you cry all the time these days!" If I'm being honest, you're 6 months old now that I'm finally getting around to writing this (sorry) so I must have blocked out whatever it was that was making you fussy. I really think you were just growing at this point and so I was feeding you a lot. Maybe I was the one doing the crying...

Dad has really enjoyed the last few weeks getting to spend so much time with you. He is so great at keeping you babies happy and as always, he has the magic touch when it comes to getting you asleep in your crib at night.

But really Kalvin, we are smitten by you! You're small, sweet and precious. We can't imagine life without you!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Holiday!

2015-10-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

Your Aunt Ang made you the perfect shirt, it's Minnie Mouse! And she found the perfect skirt to go with it. You were adorable!

You took my phone from me and started talking to Grandma Sandra. You are funny because you love to walk around with the phone up to your ear like this.

You and Aunt Ang were playing together. "where'd go?"

You showed Aunt Ang your rainbow rice!

At lunch time I gave you your food and a minute later you weren't at the table. When I found you, you were sitting on the stairs eating your food!

Aunt Ang was so excited to meet you Kalvin. We had Skyped with her a bunch, which you love to do! One time I was Skyping and I tried to sit you in from of the camera and every time I set you down you would cry! So then I stood you up and you would smile and stare at Aunt Ang. And if I set you down, you would be sad again! you were so intrigued with watching everything Aunt Ang did on the screen.

Siblings!

Kisses!

It makes me soooo happy to see you loving Kalvin. I was a little nervous that you would be jealous of him or something but you've just accepted him like… a brother! And that makes your dad and I very happy.

Look at how 4th of July'd you all are!

Aunt Ang and all the cousins.

Dancing with Aunt Ang!

Four our 4th of July dinner we made steak shish kabobs! They were soooo delicious!

All of us together (except Luna…)

Kacie, you needed to be in as many pictures as possible so you jumped in Aunt Ang and Uncle Gregs family photo!

Aunt Ang, Uncle Greg and cousin Luna

Cuddle time!

Aunt Ang wasn't sure what you were looking at but you were excited to show her something out the window!

And Kalvin, you fell asleep on Uncle Greg in the cutest way possible.

Awwwww!!!

Well, the next morning, we made a Dutch Baby for breakfast. At least, I think thats what it was called… Anyway, it ended up being red, white and blue so we decided to pretend like we planned that and celebrated our freedom for one more meal!

Auntie Ang and Uncle Greg

2015-10-13T14:04:00.002-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

We were so excited to have Aunt Ang and Uncle Greg come visit for The Fourth of July!

The goal is to someday live next door but for now, the 10 hour drive is not the worst thing.

One night we put you both in the bath. You love to help wash Kalvin. And by 'wash' I mean that you like to dump water on his face!

They brought their puppy Luna with them. This is a picture of you in Luna's cage. Luna is not a person.

You loved this cage and spent so much time in it that your dad and I considered getting one to ~~keep you in~~ to let you play in.

We had only been in Missouri for a few days so I was still soaking in the beauty that is Missouri. One night there was an amazing sunset. Of course the picture doesn't do it justice.

We went to Fritz's, of course, and I love watching you and Kalvin with your Aunt and Uncle. There is something so special about seeing your sibling love your children as much as you do.

Hopefully by the time you're reading this, I will have a niece or nephew too!

We made a lot of delicious dinners while they were here because it's a lot more fun to cook when you have company in the kitchen. I think our favorite were these chicken avocado burritos.

I also kept burning the bacon. And not just like "oops I left it in a minute to long" it was like "Oops, I forgot the bacon for almost a half hour!"

We did lots of funny things, (-A was trying to kill me…)

And of course, we went to Fritz's one last time before they left!

We look a lot alike here!

And even though it was very sad that they had to go home eventually, she left me with a nutty bar (that I didn't share with you kiddos) to help ease the pain. She gets me!

I hope that you kids grow up knowing how much your aunts and uncles love you!

As much as we do!

Mom and Dad

Swinging, Swimming & No School!

2015-10-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

Well here we are! Living in Missouri.

We were really afraid that you were going to keep climbing out of your crib so we attempted to keep it a toddler bed… you loved it, and by 'it' I mean the freedom to get out. We did not.

So we put up the pack n play again until we could get the crib parts on your bed. Fortunately, you fell right asleep! And now we can wait a couple months until we are in our own place to attempt a toddler bed.

Grandma, Grandpa and your aunts and uncles all went on vacation the day after we arrived. So we were all alone for 2 weeks. You quickly grew found of the fire place. I think you like that it makes you feel tall, like you're on your own little pedestal!

Dad wouldn't let me take a picture of him chilling, but he was so laid back, eating some Cheetos, not having to do homework. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself! It'll be really nice to have a break from stressful school stuff.

There is a swing feet in the backyard, which you love!

Why are kids so adorable when they are messy!?! Seriously, you're too cute!

I gave you some stickers in the car one day to entertain yourself… it worked! You walked around Walmart with them all over your leg.

I've definitely decided that it's so gorgeous here and that if backyard views look like this, we will probably have to stay!

Unfortunately, it is not our backyard so hopefully we end up in a place with a good view like this!

Not that you care, because you're 2 years old and 2 months old, but our car reached a milestone...

Not necessarily a good thing because who wants to add more lies to their car? But what are you gonna do? It was kind of cool though because it switched to 99999 right as I pulled into the driveway!

Well, you really like coloring and you especially love markers, and why wouldn't you? Because markers are really fun! But you're also two years old and markers=things-i-use-to-color-on-myself

Grandma and Grandpa's neighborhood has a pool so we will obviously be spending a lot of time there.

Look at your faces, they're the same in this picture!

Kalvin slept through our first pool adventure...

So he and I hung out pool side.

While daddy got you to try out goggles, or 'gobbles' as you call them!

You were sitting there with your glasses on, eating your snacks like "Yeah I'm cool."

It has been wonderful weather! So we've been spending some time on the porch.

I think one of my (and yours, Kacie) favorite thing is that there are critters running around the backyard all the time. If you look closely, there is a bunny. You love to stand at the window watching for bunnies! Occasionally you'll see a squirrel or Phil, the hedgehog, but mostly it's bunnies!

Having a ~~swing set in the backyard~~ backyard to have a swing set in, is really nice!

We've been playing out there a lot.

Even Kalvin loves it!

Front porch view:

This is kind of random but I just thought it was funny. We made these super delicious avocado BLT's one night for dinner. We used the George Foreman to cook them. When we pressed them down...

They ended up more than half the size they were before!

Anyway, we are really enjoying Missouri and the awesome weather here. Dad is still looking for a job, but we are being patient as we know it can take a little while for interviews to happen.

We love you both!

Mom and Dad

Missouri or Bust!

2015-10-10T10:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Kiddos,

I hope you were excited for your first move!

Here is basically all of our belongings packed up!

We started packing about 2 weeks before our actual move date. That was good because as little of stuff that we own, we actually own a lot of stuff!

My Aunt Jenifer was so sweet to let us use her basement for a few nights so we could pack up all of our stuff and not worry about things like where you would sleep! In the basement there was a huge map and on the map a little bit below Hawaii is our island, Jarvis!

We also got a cute birthday card from your Great Grandma and Grandpa Jarvis. It was the perfect card, a bus, which you LOVE!

Here is the truck and you attempting to help daddy pack!

We had our friends over for one more party. They are expecting a baby girl in September so it was really fun to see them with you, Kalvin, and to get a little taste of what it will be like when they have a new baby in their house!

We have so enjoyed living by these guys.

We hope to stay forever friends!

And someday rent a beach house together!

Desiree and Gus came one last time as well to help me clean and entertain you Kacie.

We are going to miss our awesome play buddies!

When you aren't together, you will both ask for each other.

Aunt Mallory and I basically packed most of the stuff by ourselves. Dad helped with the heavy stuff when he got home from school. Eventually we got most everything out and I sat in my rocking chair nursing you Kalvin for the last time in our home of 3 1/2 years!

The fact that we were moving hadn't really set in until that moment. When we first walked into this apartment I instantly felt at home. That hadn't happened in our last apartments. We made so many good friends in Utah. We started our family here, and we really got to know each other in that apartment. We have so many things to look back on from Utah and in that moment in the rocking chair, I realized that no matter how excited I was to not be managing anymore, I was really going to miss this first little home of ours!

And then of course there was the fact that I wouldn't be living right by my brother anymore!

Your Uncle Colin loves you guys so much. It was wonderful to have him there, so close. It's a time I will never forget and I hope someday I will live close to my siblings again.

(I had to throw this picture in for your dad. He really wanted this bus)

Not only did we have a lot of great adventures in Utah but we lived by my aunts and uncles who took great care of us when we needed help! We are going to miss there love and support, and cookies!

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early and hit the road.

Somewhere along the way, you decided you had to go to the bathroom. You didn't tell us that unfortunately though so you pooped right out of your diaper!

Clearly, you felt terrible for doing so.

We made a lunch/pit stop and while I was going to the bathroom some random kid came and leaned against my door. And I'm pretty sure it was a little boy!

You did wonderfully Kalvin! We had to stop every few hours to feed you, but we had to stop for gas anyway. Our stops lasted about 30 minutes each, but that is why we planned a two day trip!

We had to stock up on bibs and burp clothes since we'd be going without a washer/dryer for 3 days. Risky business, but we managed to just barely scrape by with some of your sisters old bibs!

Daddy and Uncle Trevor drove the moving truck with all our stuff and Aunt Mallory and I drove you guys in our car. Aunt Mallory wanted to ride the scooter but that would have added a few days on to the trip so we made her ride in the car.

Someday I am going to find the perfect flawy dress and run through a field of yellow flowers. I often see these wonderful fields but I am usually on a road trip without time or a dress. But someday, it will happen.

We stopped and stayed in a hotel over night. We had the pack n play but we rented an extra crib for $10 so you would each have a bed. We got everything all set up to sleep, put Kalvin to bed and tucked you in Kacie. We turned off the lights and then all the sudden, you were climbing out and standing by Aunt Mallory and Uncle Trevor.

You curled up with them and dad and I were both like "Ok she can stay there but it won't last. She'll be up and wanting to play in a minute" And then all the sudden it was morning and you had slept on the floor the whole night! It was crazy because you have literally never stayed in a bed if it's not caged in! Well maybe you did when you were super sick and Grandma Sandra was taking care of you when Kalvin was born. But other than that you haven't!

It was lame because we totally could have saved $10 if we had known you weren't even going to stay in your bed. So thanks for that. You owe us a $10.

Anyway, we stopped by Walmart and to get gas when I was attacked by this monster! For a moment I was like "Where are we moving too!?!" But also we were in Nebraska so I was like, we're not moving here. Then I found out that apparently those bugs live in Utah too. But seriously, why is it a thing? Also, it flies.

Now I just have a bunch of random pictures from Aunt Mallory and my phones. They aren't really in order…

Just finished eating, so cute!

Basically how Aunt Mallory was the trip:

Basically how I was the whole trip:

Aunt Mallory squished back with you guys at one point. It was very squishy!

I'm pretty sure you're in your swing Kalvin so I think this was in the apartment in Utah before we left...

And here we are, finally arriving!

Yay!

Well kind of 'yay'… the first night we arrive and there is a tornado warning and the sirens go off. So that was a fun, slightly terrifying, welcome.

We were so lucky to have Aunt Mallory and Uncle Trevor help us move.

We are excited to be here in Missouri and excited for what the future brings! Now we just have to find a job and a place to live.

It's weird for me living in Missouri because I've always been on the West coast. I am interested in what I find to be different out here!

We hope you guys love Missouri. It'll be fun to watch you grow up here.

But no matter where you grow up we will always love you!

Love,

Dad and Mom

A Birthday Fit For A 7 Year Old…er, 27 Year Old!

2015-09-05T10:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Kyle/Daddy/Ace,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

We are so glad to have you in our lives!

Because it is funny, here is the card from my parents:

The inside:

And even Google joined in the celebration!

Present time!

An avengers bag to hold the best present ever:

Dinosaur claws!!

And of course, a dinosaur birthday party with a surprise dinosaur cake!

The hiding dinosaurs

The dirt

The volcanic rock

The grass

It's a volcano!

The birthday peeps

The erupting volcano

Thank you for always taking care of us and for supporting our family. We love you so much!

Love,

Kayla, Kacie & Kalvin

2 Years!

2015-09-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Kacie,

2 YEARS!!!!!!!!!

We can't believe it.

If we had to pick some words to describe you they would be:

Perfect, Spunky, Attitude, Smart, Hilarious, Energetic, & Gorgeous.

At your doctor visit they said everything was looking good. You weigh 25 lbs and are in the 50th percentile. You are 32.4 inches and that puts you in the 11th percentile!

You've recently started playing with the presents you got for your first birthday! It's only a year late but you've started to love pushing your doll, Paris, around in her stroller. You often try to take her with us wherever we go!

You're really into daddy's hats these days. When he wears one you want to try one on too. You don't keep them on for long, but you like to be doing what mom and dad do.

At Christmas, I tried to get you to wear this dress and you hated it. So of course one day I took you to the closet before church and asked what you wanted to wear (in June) and you pointed to this dress and said "Soo cuuute!" so I tried to point out a different one because this one is a little small, but you just kept grabbing this dress saying "cuuute! So pretty!"

And I suppose you did rock that outfit! Even if your diaper was peeking out a bit during nursery!

You love your backpack. You had me put it on one day backwards and then you grabbed the little antennas and gave me this look. Luckily you did it again for the camera because seriously, look at that face!

One day we were going to the store. You were standing in the doorway and I was putting Kalvin in the car. I was watching you to make sure that you weren't going down the stairs. I turned my back for literally 4 seconds. When I turned around you were gone! You weren't on the stairs, there was no way you could have gotten all the way down the stairs and there was no one around.

I ran inside saying your name, looking for you. In our small apartment, there really wasn't much chance of me not seeing you. But alas you were not there! I was going into panic mode; "someone took her. She fell down the stairs. did I pass out and not realize it? I'm a terrible mother" (all those thoughts were within about 10 seconds).

I got back to the front door and heard you giggle.

You were hiding from me BEHIND the front door!

I was so relieved. I laughed and let my heart slow down.

I could not believe that you just hid from me! Where did you learn that??

It was hilarious, and now that I know you can hide from me, I'll be a little more careful and a little less panic stricken. Thanks for the real mommy moment Kacie.

You're very Independent. You always want to put on your own shoes. You're not very good at it but one day you picked out your socks (the hottest ones in your basket) and then refused to let me help you for about 5 minutes.

You've also started trying to put on your own pants. You got both legs in one leg… Close, Kacie. So close.

Then you proceeded to walk around like that laughing at yourself!

And here you are again trying to put your shoes on.

You're very observant. We are definitely at a point where we have to be careful with what goes on around you. One day you came up behind me and touched my bum and said 'butt. poopy.' And then another time we were watching Captain America. There is a scene where a kid falls into the water. You were so concerned for him. You got a very concerned look on your face and said "You ok? You ok?" You were very worried about that little boy!

We love to see you make those kind of connections and recognize things. It's fun to see your memory come in to play as you remember things from days before!

Grandma Sandra and Grandpa Jim sent you this awesome present

What could it be!?

A BUS!!

It is perfect for your personality right now. You are obsessed with 'The Wheels On the Bus' and make us sing it all the time. A few weeks ago you started counting to 10 with only a little help from us. The last few days though when we start to count, we get to 3 and then you go "bus. bus. bus" and turn your arm until we sing the song.

We got doughnuts for your birthday breakfast.

You loved that, obviously.

One thing that we will for sure miss is having two separate closets, mine being the walk in closet, AKA Kacie's favorite place.

You also love this pillow and often just hang out in there.

Well, I still hadn't wrapped your presents from mom and dad so you were glad to help us do that.

But instead, daddy took you on a birthday walk to get a slurpee! You love walks! You love sitting in the stroller and you love making us take the stroller so you can walk next to it.

Then we got ready to go swimming and let you open another present.

A puzzle! You already enjoy it, and it's adorable!

You got new shoes for your birthday. Your pink crocs. We weren't sure if you would like them because you are very picky about shoes and usually won't wear shoes unless you have socks on too. But once we forced these on, you were instantly attached!

So here you are in your birthday outfit, ready to go swimming!

You know what presents are at this point and enjoy opening them. So on Fathers day when we gave daddy his presents, you made sure to help him! Side note: he got a new belt buckle, which I believe was the Avengers 'A' and a new shirt which is a Harry Potter 9 3/4 shirt.

You spent the day playing with your new toys

And building play dough towers. You're more interested in the cans than the actual dough.

You are getting so smart and it amazes us!

You are always wanting to go and do things.

You want to be outside 99.99999% of the time.

You can count to 10 on your own and will sing the ABC's with us.

You're starting to get really interested in Frozen and constantly sing 'Let It Go'

You are starting to put words together which is really helpful for us!

You still sleep about 11 hours per night, sometimes more! And your naps are about 2 hours long

You love Kalvin and interacting with him.

You get so happy when dad comes home.

You love the iPad and taking pictures on our phones

Your favorite breakfast is 'Ogurt and olya' (Yogurt and Granola)

You love to slide, swing and be pushed on your bike.

You will go up to any kid and force them to play with you.

If you miss your nap, you get feisty and irrational.

You spend a small amount of time in the corner, mostly for hitting or kicking Kalvin.

You love horsey rides on mom and dad and you love giving them to Kalvin.

You want to be really involved with Kalvin, even helping us change his diapers!

You love Skype.

Your favorite books are any by Sandra Boynton, especially The Going to Bed Book.

You're smile is infectious.

You make us so happy!

We don't ever want you to grow up and leave us.

We love you so much Kacie!

Happy Birthday!!

Love,

Dad and Mom

Last Month in Utah!

2015-09-05T09:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

June continued to be an exciting time for us!

Kacie, you are still working on learning how to put on your own pants. You are getting very close! It's really fun to see you wanting to do big girl things. We love it!

Dad got to take you kiddos to your 2 year and 3 month check up. He doesn't get to do that very often so that was fun for him. You both did wonderfully, and neither of you cried much even though you both got shots.

I don't just take random photos and I took this one for something that you were doing Kalvin… it's just that it's been over a month and I can not remember why I took it! So I'm sorry that I don't remember but just know that whatever you did, it was important and I wanted to document it!

Kacie, you decided one evening that you wanted to eat like this. We're not sure why but it was hilarious!

Because we were getting ready to move in a few weeks, we made sure to spend lots of time with Dez and Gus.

This time we went to The Curiosity Museum. You guys got to crawl around on a big rope playground!

Outside you drew on the sidewalk with chalk.

That was your first time I think and you loved it. You two are just adorable!

Then we stopped and fed the fishes. You guys sat on the ledge, dropping the food pebbles in and giggled watching the fish eat.

I was hard to watch you guys holding hands because we knew that soon we would be gone and wouldn't have a play mate!

We stopped and played in some sand, Kalvin was not totally impressed with it.

I LOVE that you just fall asleep wherever and however you are laying. It is adorable. I wish I could fall asleep as easily as you do!

Kacie, you love books still. One night we were getting you ready for bed and dad laid next to you to read. You then crawled in between his arms like this. You always want to be doing exactly what we do.

Kalvin, I can not believe how old you are getting! You love being up right, and preferable you would be standing ALL. THE. TIME!

One day, we dropped you off, Kacie, to play with Gus for a while so daddy and I could pack some more. You had a blast!

You still like to push your brother around, Kacie. He loves it because no matter what he might try to tell you...

he's lazy and sleeps a lot!

I don't know what it is but you kids come out wanting to stand on your own.

At just two months, you already support all of your weight on your own. If only you could figure out the balance thing!

Kacie, your body language says "Don't touch me. But also, I love you."

We went and had a little lunch gathering one morning. Here you and Gus are with my cousin Danielle!

Then we went outside and played in the sprinklers. I know that Kalvin wouldn't really enjoy it at all...

But you look so cute in a swim suit!!!

One night we went out to dinner with Ray (our boss managing apartments). It would be the last time we saw him for a long time! He wanted to take us somewhere nice so we went to The Cheesecake Factory. Dad and I had never been before so it was fun to try something new that we didn't have to pay for. And more importantly we got to spend a really nice evening with a really special person. Ray blessed your daddy and I in so many ways. We hope to some day go back and let you kids meet him again. He really took great care of us while we lived in Utah and became more like a grandpa than a boss!

Well, Daddy got a peanut butter cheesecake and I got a red velvet cheesecake.

Both were uber delicious!

I don't always get ready for the day so it's not often that I take pictures of myself. I'm also not saying that I got dressed up this day but I decided to take a picture with you kiddos because you are just too cute and I love you!

I wish I could fall asleep as easily as babies do. I set you down for a few seconds and you're passed out like all you've been focused on your whole life is growing!

Those big eyes!

You are just so happy. And look at you holding up your head!

Kacie is in a phase where she doesn't really want to sit and be read too. So Daddy decided to read to you Kalvin!

Dancing with Kalvin

Again, falling asleep wherever you want!

You don't last long in the Bumbo. Kacie loved it and spent a lot of time in it. Kalvin, you haven't quite learned to love it yet. We will see!

Sometimes you are grumpy when I try to take your picture… I think you'd just woken up from a nap and you were being grumpy but adorable. I tried to take your picture so of course it made you more grumpy!

We've started exercising as a family before bed time. Daddy always takes his shirt off so you think you need to, too Kacie. We will get ready and then you'll pull on your shirt saying 'shirt! shirt!' until we take it off for you.

You don't last as long with push ups and squats

But that's ok because you provide Kalvin with entertainment!

You love to get right next to him which sometimes results in smooching his arm, or whole body!

One day we were getting ready to leave and you guys were looking so cute! So I laid you down to take a picture and Kacie you started chewing on your shoe! I'm not sure why, but I'm glad I caught a picture of your flexibility!

When you put your sunglasses on, you look like you've got so much sass! I love it!!

You're almost two and its just crazy to think that its been 2 years! But watching you and Kalvin interact is the best thing. You guys are our favorite!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Eternal Things

2015-07-25T22:34:00.002-07:00

Dear Kids,

I know you think I'm pretty amazing, which I am, but lately I've been having a hard time! And this morning after a month of no income, being thrown up on constantly, a lack of a normal sleep schedule, and missing my parents a bunch, I curled up on my bed in a pile of graham cracker crumbs, hugged my stuffed animal, Puppy, and cried because I wanted my mommy and daddy.

As I was lying there, feeling overwhelmed, sad and pretty pathetic, I secretly laughed at how I must have looked.

25 years old, curled up with my childhood toy, crying.

I decided I needed to write this experience down. I decided I needed to share a story that doesn't exactly have a happy ending right now.

I wish I could finish with this paragraph:

"Your dad started a job today! Great insurance, wonderful pay, room to move up in the company. I mean, we won't be millionaires, you kids won't be spoiled, but we will have enough to buy a private plane to fly your grandparents out here every weekend. Kacie, you're potty trained now and Kalvin you've stopped spitting up every 5 seconds. We also found a great place to live. It's not too fancy but we will grow into it and it has 6 bathroom. You guys don't understand the importance of having that many bathrooms, but if I'm ever going to be pregnant again, 6 bathrooms might be enough. I go on runs every day so I've lost like 50 pounds in a week and I've totally kicked my sugar cravings."

Unfortunately, that's not the paragraph I can write.

The truth is that I just finished a ~~pint~~ really small serving of ice cream and the last time I ran was to the grocery store to buy previously mentioned ice cream. And by 'ran' I mean I drove.

The truth is that we all have days or months like this.

We like to put up happy, pretty pictures from the park or of our fancy dinners when our hair is done and our sanity is in check.

"Look at this fancy meal I made. #healthymom"

or, "Took the kids to the park on this perfect summer day. We love picnics! #fitmom"

Or my favorite (that I can't figure out), "Curled my hair for the 6th day in a row and put on makeup to take myself out. #takingcareofme"

Occasionally we put things up about burning dinner, or not leaving the house in a week, or being tired but not often do we get really real with each other. The only reason I didn't put a picture of myself crying on the bed, is because no one was around to take it!

I think I would have captioned it something like "This week sucks. Not looking for sympathy, I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me. Just wanting to let others know that you aren't alone in having sucky days! And sometimes it's ok to cry and be sad. #tiredmom"

Right now, my life isn't what I want it to be. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just not what I want it to be. And that's okay. We need ups and downs so that when we are up, we know we are up because previously we were down. And when we are down, we know that we are down because we have previously been up.

When things in my life get tough I often think of and read this talk by Elder Wirthlin, Sunday Will Come. Although the talk is mainly about losing a loved one, the message brings so much peace to my soul in all situations. I encourage you to read the whole talk, but this small excerpt from it is what's helping me today:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays - Those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death - Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

Right now, things are still tough. Our future is a little uncertain as we take this next step in our life. I'm trying to trust Heavenly Father and I am excited for what He has in store for my family.

But right now, there are times when I struggle. There are moments when my heart aches with longing to see my family. There are minutes I spend thinking of the things that I want that seem too far in the future. There are days when I just want to take a break from being a mom, to enjoy my hobbies again. There are too often, times when I just want to take a nap!

My Sunday has not arrived yet. I still feel like my world is scattered around me. I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces, (my back still hurts from being with child for 9 months, and I don't always have clothes on) but it will take time.

I am grateful for the literal Sunday that comes each week. For the chance to stop and remember my Savior and the sacrifice that was made for me. It is part of the process of picking up those pieces. It is a day when I can focus on putting the pieces back together, but more importantly, it is a day when I can focus on how the Lord would have me put those pieces back together.

Kids, you will experience heartache and confusion. You will be tried and tempted. You will experience sadness and frustration.

And that's ok. We aren't meant to have it all together, all of the time. We aren't supposed to always be perfect and look our best while serving others and keeping our house clean.

Sometimes you're going to have a bad month. It will suck and you'll be dying for it to end and ever hoping it doesn't last longer than it already has.

But you have an opportunity among that sadness. You will be in a position to lean on your Savior and your soul will cry out 'Father, please help me!' And you can gain strength, as I have, by recalling the closing words of Elder Wirthlin:

That we may always know that no matter how dark our Friday, Sunday will come!"

Kids, in those difficult times, have faith that things will all work out.

But most importantly, don't ever move far away from your dad and I. We promise you will miss us and regret it.

Love,

Mom & Dad

Love One Another

2015-06-22T22:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Kids,

You live in a beautiful world!

Your Father in Heaven made this a wonderful place to be.

Not only are we surrounded with natural beauty; mountains, trees, fields, flowers, and rain (to name a few), but we are surrounded by people who are friendly, who love and who care for others.

The Gonthier family motto is: "Amour Sans Crainte" which is latin for 'Love without fear.'

As a Mormon, and a very naive one at that, I've spent most of my life being quick to judge. I never felt hate towards people but I did see them as being and doing wrong.

It can be very common in the Mormon culture to develop a judgmental attitude. I know that we can indulge in the thinking that our religion and our thoughts are the best, the most right and the only answer.

But it is our duty as humans to have beliefs. I think it is our duty to have different beliefs. We aren't supposed to be the same. We aren't supposed to want the exact same things. It is our duty to stand out, and use our agency as we please.

It is also our duty to respect each other's beliefs. We live in a time where respect isn't always what it should be.

Respect is allowing others to be different. Respect is understanding that others are different. Respect is accepting others differences - accepting all of their differences.

If I truly believe in a God that sent me here and gave me complete agency, then I must also believe that everyone else got the same deal, whether they believe it or not. And if I believe that God gave others their agency, then I must accept that others don't believe in the same things that I do.

If I judge others for their beliefs, then they can surely judge me for mine!

Henry B. Eyring said: "We cannot force God's children to choose the way to happiness. God cannot do that because of the agency He has given us."

If I forget to allow others to exercise agency then do I really even understand and live what I say I believe?

I recently witnessed a debate unfold in regards to a man's decision to allow the public to follow him on his personal journey through a sex change to become a woman. There was an article shared and the debate ensued with hateful words and naive acquisitions towards this man.

Kids, this is a topic that is close to my heart as a woman, wife, mother and member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I wish I could say that I always had this understanding. I wish I could say that I felt this way from the beginning.

But it wasn't until recent years that I have come to understand the Savior's plea to "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34

It wasn't until my brother announced that he was gay, that my heart began to change and my understanding began to broaden. It wasn't until I had to make a decision between being judgmental or loving my brother.

Fortunately, it wasn't a hard decision. I love my brother! Nothing changed except that before, I didn't know he was gay, and now I did! He was still my really tall, little brother.

It was as simple as that.

In this time of technology, we are constantly bombarded with opinions. Everyone wants to get their opinion, their 'right' opinion out there. We each believe that what we feel is the most right.

And this is where I think we get confused, because what each of us feel is the most right. We each have our own agency and what we want to believe for ourselves, is right.

The problem comes when we forget that that means everyone else is just as right.

Now, does this mean that we have to believe what others believe? No! Does it mean we shouldn't stand up for what we believe in? No!

"Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." ~Rick Warren

It is absolutely possible to talk about and live my beliefs without harming those who don't believe the same thing as I do. We do not have to participate in any form of negativity towards others.

I had a discussion once where sadness was expressed over the fact that my children would be raised in the mindset of the LDS culture. I was a little offended. They are my kids, who was this person to try and tell me I was wrong?

But then I realized that I had done the same to others before. I have observed others choices and felt sadness over the choices they were making, that I would not make. We can't ask people not to be sad over the decisions we are making and then turn around and be sad with the ones they are making.

People with different beliefs won't always accept or respect your beliefs and I hope that we can work towards changing that. But that just means that I have to make that change, where I can. I can't sit back and think "I won't change because so and so is attacking my beliefs. It's not fair that I can't judge but they can." It doesn't make sense to want acceptance but not be willing to be accepting.

I know my brother and I know he is a good kid. I also know that people are quick to judge him and that makes me sad! I was one of those people; quick to judge. If I have learned anything, it is that I really don't know what people are going through. And people might say one thing but feel another, even people we feel very close to, and people we feel we know really well.

It is one thing to express your beliefs about a subject. It is another thing to use someone else's life and experiences to express or argue about the correctness or 'rightness' of your beliefs. Especially when you don't know what they are going through or what they have gone through.

Heavenly Father has a plan for every one of us and you know what? Sometimes those plans don't involve the church. Sometimes those plans don't involve the Celestial Kingdom. If everyone's plan ended in The Celestial Kingdom, why would we have the others?

God has given us some ability to judge actions in this life. But in the end, it will never be our place to judge hearts and minds. In the end, we will be asked to own up to our own decisions, actions and words but we will never be asked to give input on others decisions, actions and words.

So absolutely, stand up for what you believe in, whatever it is.

But please don't use someone else's life to justify those beliefs because in the end, you will never know exactly what they are going through.

Only one person can know that.

"I would encourage members of the Church wherever they may be to show kindness and respect for all people everywhere. The world in which we live is filled with diversity. We can and should demonstrate respect toward those whose beliefs differ from ours."
~President Thomas S. Monson

When Christ was ministering he gave two commandments; Love God and Love thy neighbor. These basic commandments stem every other commandment that has been given.

Kids, your dad and I will always love you, no matter what. We hope that you have learned what 'true love' is. That love has no bounds. We hope that we have taught you to love as Christ loved. We hope that we can live as President Uchtdorf counseled us to:

"Once again the Savior revealed the way. When asked to name the greatest commandment, He did not hesitate. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," He said. "This is the first and great commandment." Coupled with the second great commandment - to love our neighbor as ourselves - we have a compass that provides direction not only for our lives but also for the Lord's Church on both sides of the veil.
Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our Church callings, and in our livelihood. Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk."
(Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2009 'The Love of God')

Love,

Mom and Dad

5 Years, 2 Kids, 1 Husband!

2015-06-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that I've called Kyle my best friend before.

And by social definition, in the sense that a friend is someone that you like to be with, I suppose he is my friend.

And I know this is cliche to define a word, like I'm about to do, but as the years go on, I am finding that Kyle is less my best friend, and more my husband.

Google defines 'friend' as "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."

By literal definition, Kyle isn't even my friend!

I don't introduce him as my best friend, when I talk about Kyle, I introduce him as my husband.

So many people say "I'm so glad I married my best friend…" and thats fine. I have nothing against that.

But I didn't make a holy bond of eternal best friendship with Kyle.

I made an eternal commitment in marriage with Kyle.

My best friends have lives of their own! School, missions, work, boyfriends, weddings and not to mention the different states we all live in! That list of things makes it difficult to always be together or there for each other when needed.

But Kyle is always here.

He is the one I call when I have a rough day.

He has the shoulder I lean on when I am feeling down.

He is so much more than a best friend, he's a husband!

Thanks for the 5 years of adventures!

Thanks for the 2 amazing kids!

Thanks for being the best husband I could ask for!

I love you!

Love,

Kayla

2 Months!

2015-06-14T21:59:00.002-07:00

Dear Kalvin,

2 MONTHS!?!

How did this happen?

Your father is really good at getting you to laugh!

And your sister is really good at stealing your spot light!

You have a wonderful little spirit and personality.

We love to hold you up, make you stand and listen to your coos!

You have the softest head and I love to rub it!

You love your sister already. When you see her, you smile!

And you let her walk, and climb and sit all over you!

At your doctors appointment you weighed 12lbs 8oz and were in the 51st percentile. You were 42 inches long, in the 86th percentile. And your head was 15.75 cm and in the 73rd percentile!

You got shots in your leg and you barely made a sound when they gave them to you. Later in the day you cried for about an hour, which was the longest you've ever cried. You've probably only cried for like a total of 2 hours your whole life. Seriously.

I love taking these monthly photos because I am just amazed at how fast and how much you grow and change in such a short amount of time. And I am really excited to take monthly photos of you growing next to your pal, Hobbes!

And for comparison, you and Hobbes at 1 month.

You sleep for about 9 hours at night, but you have slept for 11 on a couple of occasions.

You hold your head up really well (shown below)

You never cry.

You spit up a lot, but no where near as much as Kacie did.

You still sleep in our room, but that will change as soon as we find a place of our own in Missouri.

You are wearing size 0-3 month, 3 month and a few 3-6 month clothes.

You love to talk to your dad - probably about baseball, but he doesn't tell me what you talk about. I guess it's 'a guy thing'

We enjoy every minute of having you in our lives. We feel like we have known you forever and wonder how we ever lived without you!

Thanks for being the best baby in the world!

Love,

Dad & Mom

Fruit Party!

2015-06-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

We like to party.

So for Kacie's 2nd birthday party and a farewell party for us, we decorated with and served fruit!

This is the garland I made:

And these are the cookies I decorated!

Apple

Lemon

Banana

Strawberry

Orange

Watermelon

We hung balloons all over

And had lots of colors

And a yummy fruit pizza!

Gus came, and you stole Aunt Diane's phone right out of her pocket!

You enjoyed some fruit dip!

And we got the pool out!

Your friends Katie, Henry and Owen also came and played in the pool with you

Uncle Colin got you a present

It was his favorite book when he was little so he wrote you a little note inside.

Gus got you this adorable mermaid puzzle. You LOVE it. It is your first puzzle so it's fun to watch you play with it.

Your great Aunt Diane brought a present that was farm magnets. You love magnets! And you will make the animal sounds while you play with them.

And your great grandma Shirley got you a book with Disney stories in it!

Your friend Katie got you an awesome bag full of girly things. A skirt, and crown and wand and bracelets and a bottle for your doll! We don't really use bottles around here but you call it 'wa wa' like you're water bottle. It's so fun to watch!

Kalvin, you just really look like your Grandpa Jarvis and Uncle Jerm to me. And that's a good thing because they are two very handsome and wonderful men!

And we think you are warming up to the water. We took you and Kacie swimming one night and you didn't cry once! So bath time is fun cause you enjoy it!

Just look at that squishy face!!

And that smile! It never gets old!

We sure do love you two!

Love,

Mom & Dad

Rainbow Rice, Horsey Rides & More Baby Smiles!

2015-06-14T17:20:00.001-07:00

Dear Kalvin & Kacie,

You two just kill me!

Why is that a saying? 'you kill me' Cause what I really mean is just that we LOVE you soooooooo much that we sometimes freak out and can't contain ourselves!

Look at that cute face!

One day I was making rainbow rice in the kitchen and Kacie you laid on the ground, pointed at the hand towel and kept saying 'blankie' until I covered you with the towel. Then you laid there for a few minutes under your 'blankie'

So I am trying to find fun things for you to do other than watch YouTube on my iPad so I decided to make you this rice and it is really fun!

We found little stacking cups and a bucket and we lay out towels and then you can just dig through this rice! It's a pretty cool idea.

A bit of a sad story; your Uncle Colin watched someone abandon this poor puppy in a Walmart parking lot one night! So he chased him around for about an hour and finally caught him and brought him home. He came to visit one day and so you got to hold the puppy dog! It made me really want a dog to see you with him!

As always Kalvin, you are so happy all the time. You've started talking to us a lot more. And especially right after I feed you, amidst your spitting up, you smile a lot!

One night we needed to change your diaper Kalvin and your sister got really excited and tried to help!

And then we were helping you stand when your sister decided she wanted to give you a horsey ride!

It was hilarious! She let you ride her all around the apartment!

One night we were helping Kalvin stand and you stood next to him and held your hand. Eventually we sat Kalvin down and you were not ok with that. You were basically yelling at him Kacie saying "stand up. Stand up! Walk. Walk!"

Dad was cheering him on too and I was just sitting there like "Don't grow up kid. I need my baby!"

Oh these baby smiles!

We just can't get over them!

More of Kacies photography:

Kalvin, you are getting really close to being able to sit in the Bumbo on your own! You really always want to be seeing everything around you. Dad was holding you once and you were fussy, squirming and sad. When dad turned you around you immediately calmed down and just kept turning your head back and forth observing your surroundings!

Dad was reading you bed time stories Kacie, and you stopped him, took the book and then started reading to Kalvin. You got all up in his face and intensely read 'The Going to Bed Book' which is your favorite right now.

I caught this adorable sly look on your face Kalvin. I love perfect timing pictures!

We love you two!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Photographer Kacie!

2015-06-14T16:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Kacie and Kalvin,

What a week we had!!

Poor Kacie was teething so she was sick and tired for three days!

But thank goodness for Tylenol, or else I never would have caught this precious moment.

You get very cuddly when you are sick Kacie and your dad and I love that because most of the time you are always on the move! So I was getting ready to nurse and I started to lay Kalvin next to you while I got ready but you started pointing next to you saying 'Kawin! Kawin' so I laid him in your arm next to you and you both just smiled and giggled! You two sure have our hearts!

The next day I thought you were feeling better and so we got you dressed and ready to visit daddy at work, and then you threw up and cuddled on the bed like this.

And you were so peaceful curled up on my bed so I basically sat in my nursing chair for 3 days.

When my parents were younger they didn't have cameras on their cell phones… I mean, they didn't even have cell phones!

So they have pictures but not a lot of just the two of them and I often wonder what they were like and how they looked just on an everyday basis. So Occasionally, when I actually put clothes on and do my hair, I will make your father take pictures with me so that one day if you guys wonder like me, you will have a little glimpse.

Most of our time is spent playing and taking care of you kids but we still like other things!

These days your dad loves watching baseball and BBQing. He's gotten pretty good at making our dinners perfectly on the grill. That's his favorite food these days, anything BBQ, and popcorn with Mega M&M's. When we move to Missouri he will be going to some live Cardinal games cause he just loves that!

Even though he doesn't like school much he is really interested in all the things he learns. He is often telling me about all these personality theories that he learns. I'll admit that my brain cells are a little behind these days from having and dealing with two kids so I don't always know what he is talking about but I love that he gets so into that stuff!

I am really into crafting. It's kind of a bummer because I really don't get to do it much because I can't spend a bunch of money on things that will just sit around or get thrown away. But my favorite thing to do is make decorations for our living room. It's really fun to make one and see how awesome it turns out and then have it displayed for everyone to see!

As I mentioned before my brain has started to feel a little like it's dying lately. I feel like I need some stimulation for my brain cells! So whenever we get into a place of our own in Missouri I am going to start school! I am super anxious about this. I still want to be an ultrasound technician. I think that would be really interesting. So I am starting off with the BYUI Pathway Program and then we will see where we are at that point.

Well, because you are teething you have still been grumpy, just not throwing up. We were at Maceys and you didn't get something you wanted so of course you needed to throw yourself on the ground!

Good news, you got over the grumpiness enough the next day to help me make some cookies!

You were such a big helper to me that I even let you decorate your own cookie! You were so proud of it.

You love to take my phone and take pictures on it. You will walk around, setting things up, and then taking a picture. You've really got an eye for things like your Grandma Sandra… well, kind of. I delete most of your pictures but occasionally you get some impressive ones that just really capture the beauty around us.

I call this one "Bun in the Way"

And this one is "Knives and a Candle"

So here are my test run cookies for your Fruit themed birthday party!

I am pretty amazing, if I do say so myself!

We love you!

Dad & Mom

Play Dough!

2015-06-14T12:20:00.005-07:00

Dear Kalvin and Kacie,

You two keep us on our toes! You both have such spirit and spunk!

Even at 6:00 in the morning.

I love your alert and exploring face!

Kacie, grandma Tracey got these adorable sandals for you! I am seriously trying to find some of my own because they are so adorable. But they are the first pair of sandals that you've had with something between your toes and it's an adjustment for you. But you look amazing with them on, so I hope you start to like them more.

On dad's day off of work we went to Kneaders for breakfast. We are really going to miss that place!

The good news is that I just need to learn to make cinnamon bread and I already know how to make their yummy buttermilk syrup so we will be able to somewhat re-create it on special occasions!

I was trying to get a cute picture with you like dad got with Kalvin, but you just wouldn't take one!

So I got you Kalvin and we took a cute picture together!

For someone who just got a delicious breakfast from your parents, you sure were grumps!

In the end you let me take a picture but you were not going to be happy about it!

Later that night we went to Target to get you some play dough. I was carrying Kalvin in the Baby Bjorn and you were jealous. So dad decided to carry you too and you loved it! It was also a good height for you to be able to push the cart on your own.

Well, we let you try out your play dough before bed and you did enjoy playing with it, although you were slightly confused as to what you should do with it. But for your first adventure playing with play dough, you did pretty good!

And then you made dad take a selfie of you two… so I guess that's more like a twoie? Groupie? hmmm, that was a weird sentence.

We love you guys!

Love,

Dad and Mom

New Hair!

2015-06-12T22:31:00.001-07:00

Well, I needed a change and some excitement in my life… so I died my hair red (it was officially called 'red velvet') and chopped some of it off!

My first attempt at dying my own hair was terrible! I have so much hair that I did not get the dye everywhere… I fixed it though!

I watched this crazy video on giving yourself a hair cut...

It was terrifying! but it ended up giving me beautiful layers!

And after I re-dyed it, it just turned out AMAZING!

Kacie, you were so concerned about it. For the first couple of days you would look at it and ask me if I was ok. It was hilarious!

Sometimes a girl just needs a fresh look!