hello lindello*

ONE!

2013-06-21T12:24:00.002-07:00

I made these planters at the last minute using vintage pots I found at a garage sale for a $1. I bought the plastic dinosaurs from the dollar store and spray painted them gold. The cake design I found off pinterest and How Sweet It Is bakery created it for me. It was the best cake I ever had. It was funfetti with butter cream and whip cream layers.

Party favors consisted of painted drift wood, honey sticks, organic lollipops, and chinese finger traps

Tissue garland made from dollar store supplies and spray painted wood beads. Cost a total of $7 to make!

Crepe paper garland. I bought long rolls of this online and cut circles out of it, then folded them in half to create half moons over string.

Helen's friends Jasper and Liam

Soooooooooooooooooooo we did it! We threw a big old birthday bash for Helen. Even though the sun didn't decide to show it's face (argh), we still had a great time. I believe around 75 folks showed up so it was a far larger event than even our wedding! Not sure what I was thinking, but I guess you only turn 1 and have a Golden Birthday once, right?

It didn't really hit me it was a year until two days after the party. That's when I cried. I cried because I was sad she was getting older, but mostly because I was SO happy we made it. We survived our first year of being new parents and it was HARD. SUPER HARD, but we did it and I have grown ten fold from this experience and I am sure will continue to grow. But let me tell you, it's SO worth it. I never thought a little human being could change your outlook on life and make you a better person so quickly.

It sounds funny, but Helen has given me such confidence! For real. I am probably 10 times more confident now than last year. I use to get nervous meeting new people, or going to events alone. Now it feels good, I like putting myself out there. I find myself more honest, loving, and nurturing to not only my family, but to friends and new people (especially moms) I meet. And this will sounds super dumb, but I don't get uneasy anymore when I feel like wearing something a little over the top. I've just been on this path of "I'm a mother and I am going rock this intense outfit my husband thinks looks like a Golden Girl!" I am laughing aloud right now, because it probably sounds bizarre, but it's true! Helen has boosted my confidence.

Helen has also made me think more about my inner self. My spiritual self and mind. Not to get all religious on you, but I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian upbringing on my moms side. As a grew up I distanced myself from this, which I am thankful for, but still wanted to nourish the faith in God I did have. I love that I have strong faith, but never knew where to grow it. I didn't like the church I grew up in and I didn't really know where my faith was directing me. I still don't really know the answer to that, but I feel like I am getting there. I have been trying to teach myself to be more mindful and in the present moment. And to love just being. And most importantly sharing this with Helen and hopefully finding a community that nurtures this, her faith in God, and love in people and her community.

So basically, Helen has been the best teacher and learning experience life has given me and the cool thing is she's only 1 so I have many more lessons in my future.

This post will also mark my last letter to Helen on the blog :

Helen getting ready for her party!

Enjoying her tee-pee gift

With her great grandmother Carol. Blueeeeeeeee!

Tissue garland in action

15 foot pom pom garland I hung across our fence before packing

Helen,

YOU ARE ONE! We can hardly believe the first year is behind us. You gave your dad and I so much joy as we planned and celebrated your birthday on the 1st. Our golden girl. Our beautiful loving little girl. You are the light of our lives!

It's really hard to sum up all the new things you've done in the past month. You still aren't full on walking, but you are taking a few steps here and there when you feel like it. You say "uh oh" about a hundred times a day, but it never gets old.

You're really into cheddar bunnies and your snack cups. All is well in the world if you have those two things. You've been a pretty picky eater as of late and I blame it on those darn bunnies! You are, however, drinking mama's kale juice which makes me really happy you are getting some greens!

The weather has been horrible here, but when it's nice you love being outside. We go to Old Main almost every day with Argos and you love finding rocks and sticks to play with. Most recently, you've been loving sitting in your wagon and getting pulled down the block.

You thrive around other kids and love playing with them. Showing them your toys and giving them hugs and kisses. I think you're starting to get a little bored with your mama, so I am trying to plan many play dates.

This letter will mark the last to on the blog, but I will continue this journey in your baby book and my journal.
Thank you for shining the sun in our lives the past 365 days. Love you always. Mama

partay

2013-05-25T11:46:00.001-07:00

i have never been crafty. ever. i was the person who had creative ideas but would rather pay someone to do it for me. i must have the craft bug now that i have kiddo or something. anyway, i am pretty pleased that i have been a total craft machine for helen's birthday party. it also helps that spray paint and pom pom makers can be used by monkeys. these are not hard to make whatsoever.

i always new i would go a little overboard for holidays and birthdays if i had a child. i have been thinking about helen's birthday party since the day she was born. and its not just her birthday we are celebrating by the way....we SURVIVED our first year of being parents. when i use the word "survived" i mean exactly that. the ppd, endless nights of no sleep, sickness, buckets or tears, and truly cutting our own teeth on raising a baby I GREW IN MY BELLY for over 9 months then birthed on my bed. wtf! we have to party to this, right?!

gathering ideas and getting friends involved to help has been the highlight so far. i had my friend jordan from tin cup design come up with the invites which turned out better than i could ever have imagined. from that i had a few friends over for wine and trashy television while we made pom poms, spray painted drift wood plastic animals, and anything else that would look good in gold. One thing is for sure: there will be garlands at this party.

cant wait. woot woot.

ps. as i write this helen has a double ear infection (first ever a week before her bday!) and terrible cold. cross your fingers and toes it's all better by Saturday!

lipstick and zen

2013-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

This is going to be the most random post, but since I am always short for time these days I thought I would just throw all my thoughts/discoveries/tips at you at once!

first: i have discovered the BEST cheap lipstick. it all started when i really wanted tom ford's aphrodisiac lipstick, but spending that much on lipstick i couldnt even try in person (i live in duluth, remember) had me seek out cheaper options. i stumbled upon revlons colorstay ultimate suede lipstick in MUSE and fell in love. i think it's pretty close to aphrodisiac, but i guess i cant say for sure. all i know is that its my go to color for summer. the reviews said it was pretty drying, but i havent had an issue. i was so impressed with the color and how long it stayed (SERIOUS staying power) that i bought a few more when they were on sale at ulta. I bought the colors: high heels (pictured), preview, and socialite. love them all, but still like Muse the best.

second: i have always ran to stay in shape, but never could get myself to tone up using weights or mat exercises. i'm also not a the biggest loser watcher and don't really get into trendy workouts, but when i heard jillian michael's 30-day shred was only 20 minutes long and talked to a few people who loved it i decided to drop the $14 and get it and actually DO IT. I did it with a friend which i think helped, but basically its a 20 minute workout you do everyday for 30 days which consists of 3 minutes of weights, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of ab work that you repeat 3 times. you work way up through 3 different levels allowing you to see your progress. i am sold. i didnt really do it to lose weight, but ended up losing 7 lbs and am so much more toned and stronger! when i started i had to do all the push-ups on my knees, but by level 3 i was doing the walking push-ups on my hands! now that its summer we'll see where i go from here, but i plan on spending more time outside walking, hiking, and running, but i think i'm going try her second video ripped in 30 too. its only 20 minutes so its hard to come up with an excuse not to do it.

third: ever since a friend sent me the book, Momma Zen, Walking the Crooked Path to Motherhood (highly recommended btw!) I am interested in learning more about zen mediation and practice. Ben and I listed to this NPR program last night and it really hit home. Check it out. I think you will like what you hear. Let me know what you think if you listen to it!

well, helen is napping now so i am going to shred it! ha

11 months (!)

2013-05-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Helen!

You are turning one in less than a month and this is blowing my mind. BLOWING MY MIND. How can that much time pass so quickly? And how some days feel like years upon years? Motherhood is a such a weird time warp.

You are napping right now. Sleeping on your face working up a sweat. No matter what I dress you in you heat up in your sleep just like your dad. I wonder if you will be wearing t-shirts in the winter like he does and prefer the shade in the summer?

I had my first weekend away from you. Such a BIG deal for me. I cried the night before and the morning of, but I must say your mama had a great time once I arrived in Minneapolis April was my sidekick for the weekend and together we ate, drank, and watch fleetwood mac in concert! It felt good to sleep in and stay up late, but I it felt even better to swoop you up in my arms and smother your tiny face in kisses when I got home.

Speaking of kisses - you kissed your first boy ON. THE. LIPS. We were attending your nephew, Owens, first birthday and his 6 month old pal, Ty, was there sitting watching you in awe, and you crawled up to him and kissed him right on the lips. We all clapped and you did it again! Such a sight. Grandpa Dave even caught it on film.

Surprisingly you have no interest in walking. In fact, you don't even like to stand up that much anymore. We bought you a little wagon to push, but your prefer sitting in it getting pushed around. You still have 6 teeth and from what I can tell nothing new coming in. You have been getting sick more lately. A high fever a couple nights in a row worried us, but the doctor said you were just fine.

You are taller and have gained 2 pounds! Lately you haven't had much of an appetite and have been sleeping poorly again. I think you are working through a lot of stuff. It seems like each day you do something new - point to things, identify people in pictures, go get us things we say, and my FAVORITE - you can now turn on the record player! So impressed. You may not being able to walk, but you can play my favorite Leonard Cohen no problem.

I have been busy planning your birthday. I can't believe it's really happening. It's your GOLDEN birthday so we are (meaning I) are sort of making it a big deal. Can't wait to see your little sweet face plow into that cake.

till next month,

mother

tunes

2013-04-19T16:52:00.002-07:00

been having some living room dance parties with this record on

sooooooooooooo good.

dream dresses

2013-04-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

uno / due / tre

ferns

2013-04-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

since summer is taking its sweet time i decided to fill my house with ferns so it at least felt like summer inside.

kitchen//home depot//friend's house

moon walks

2013-04-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

this is the WORST spring ever. winter just won't kick the bucket and it's really getting old. when the sun does come out and the temps reach higher than freezing i have been venturing out with helen. it feels so good to get out of the house and absorb some vitamin d and fresh air. my friend emily and her son recently met up with us and snapped these pics of us around park point. we called it our moon walk.

please come soon, summer. you are missed!

10 months

2013-04-09T14:17:00.001-07:00

helen,

you turning 10 months has proven two things: i still have no idea what i'm really doing and somehow everything is working out just fine. imagine that.

somethings still haven't changed since last month. you are still a peanut. at your 9 month check up we were told you are in the 11% for height and weight, your head is in the 86%, and you act more like a 14 month old. so i guess we have very petite genius on our hands.

your front teeth are now coming in which is sort of sad because we really loved your little fangs. i'm sure this is just the start of a list of things i'll miss as you grow, but i know they will be replaced by other cool stuff like the fact you are now saying "dada" (!), clapping, and waiving goodbye!

we took you to the aquarium and you had the most stoic, serious, look on your face the whole time (hence the pictures above). you were studying everything. taking everything in. you are sponge. you absorb information and remember everything we hide from you or try to sneak out of your view. nothing gets past you. you never stay serious though. eventually you start to talk, smile, and laugh once you have a good grasp on the situation.

you are enthralled with books. turning their pages and babbling like you're reading aloud. sometimes you actually sit still and let us read to you which is really fun for us. you give hugs and kisses now. the hugs consist of a slight head bend toward us and the kisses are all open mouth. i love it. receiving either of those gives your dad and i a mini heart attack of joy each time.

you love indian food. probably because i ate it at least once a week while pregnant with you. we go to india palace and you shove, literally, piles of it into your wee mouth and demand more. you're willing to try most foods, and if you don't like it you simply toss it over the side for argos.

you are standing on your own so i think its only a matter of time before you start taking steps. its going to be so weird seeing your little body running around. i can't wait.

i can't wait but i can, because this is all happening so fast. like my mother's mother, and my mother, and now your mother will say: don't grow up too fast. please.

xxMama

8/9 months

2013-03-04T13:37:00.002-08:00

due to last month sickness and just plain craziness this letter covers both 8 + 9 months. It was bound to happen....

dolly,

3 days after you turned 8 months you flew on your first plane. your dad and i fretted for months about this journey. what if you cried on the plane? what if you screamed the WHOLE.entire.time? what would happen to your nap schedule we finally had figured out? so many worries and in the end nothing to worry about! you did awesome. probably better than your dad and i.

the flights went so well. we sat in the last row of the plane and the sounds of the engines made you fall asleep right away. when you woke up you were constantly entertained by all the people in line for the bathroom who would stop to say hi to you. then there was the flight attendant who carried you around and kept calling you "girly girl" since you loved playing with her gigantic fake diamond ring. picture above is blurry but sums it up perfectly.

it was so nice to suddenly arrive in a place with the sun shining, no coats, and no agenda. we stayed with our dear friends clint and andrea and although the first night was rough, the rest of the trip was just like home. you loved hiking around sedona and i swear you could feel the vortex because you wouldn't stop giggling and smiling.

when we got back home you didn't like to sleep as good. you started waking more in the night, but were always easy to put back to sleep with a simple nurse and song. i really do miss my sleep, so if you could go back to sleeping long stretches that would be great.

your favorite record this month is haley bonar's, golder. You love bopping around to it and often jump when candy machine gun comes on. you have been eating lots of foods and we call you our little puff monster, because i think you could eat a whole container if we let you.

..................

in february you turned 9 months. what the what. that means you will be ONE in 3 months. seems like a mean magic trick. you are still a peanut though and everyone who sees you always comments on your compact size. you can still fit into some of your 3 months clothing!

you were still sleeping sort of badly in beginning of the month, but it got a lot better by the end. i think you would rather stay up and play with us than go to sleep. you are very fun to be around these days. we can now play little games like dropping balls into a hole, stacking and knocking down blocks, and clapping! you love to clap and wave hello. it melts my heart every time.

you loooooooooove food. you no longer are into purees that much. you enjoy picking up things and feeding yourself. you've been loving couscous, sunshine burgers, pasta, avocado, frozen mango, and legumes. i even give you some of my green smoothies and you drink it right up!

this month was very hard because you came down with a really bad cold and fever. then your dad and i became sick and it was difficult trying to care for you while feeling so terrible. it was even harder seeing your flushed cheeks and hearing your sad little cough. thankfully we made it through the storm and are now feeling good again.

you have bat teeth! apparently these are tough ones to get, but you handled it quit smoothly. being the vain mother i am, i thought for a moment these might be your two front teeth and panicked at how far apart they were, but then came to the conclusion they were just your incisors. we call you our little fruit bat. just for the record, if you end up needing braces blame your dad. the brunello's have a proven family history of nice teeth, the lindello's come from a history of dental problems.

your hair is starting to grow in more, but its very light brown so it doesn't look like much. however, you do still have one amazing rats tail of dark hair that is a good 5 inches in length and i have no plans of cutting it. sorry.

you are also starting to throw little baby tantrums. you do not like it when i taking things away from you. the other week i took my iphone away and you acted like i cut off your big toe. not cool, helen.

lately a song from my childhood has been of interest to you. i cant believe i actually remember it, but its a song i learned while i was in the hermantown youth choir and it's an australian childrens song:

The Bandicoot

The Bandicoot is found of fruit. Australia’s where she’s found.
She likes to dig up gardens there and burrow in the ground.
How sandy for the Bandicoot. The bandicoot (who dotes on fruit)

Is fond of insects, too.
She has a pouch to hold her young
Just like the kangaroo.
How handy for the bandicoot!

The pouch is on her belly.
It closes on the top
And opens on the bottom
But the babies never drop.

How dandy for the bandicoot!
Dandy, handy, sandy, bandicoot!

i usually whistle after each stanza which is your favorite part :)

well deary, that's all for this month. love you to bits.
xxmama

for sale

2013-02-16T12:48:00.002-08:00

i started spring cleaning today and realized for the millionth time i have waaaay to much STUFF. its hard because i actually like most of my things and most of them i spent some decent money on so its hard to just give them away and its work to try to post stuff. that got me thinking about how easy it is to do everything on your phone. with in a matter of minutes using the app PicFrame I had photos of everything i wanted to sell and decided why not put them up on instagram? better yet, why not set up a whole new instagram where others can sell their stuff too? so here you have it. check it out and if you would like to post your own items please send me an email. here's a quick overview:

to post items: email me and i will give you the deets

to buy: just leave a comment with your e-mail. if more than one party is interested there will be a drawing for fairness. trades are also encouraged.

rules:

1. no fast fashion. meaning no gap, old navy, target, etc. this shop is for quality goods that are either handmade, well-made, and have some soul. vintage items are OK if they are in great condition and cool.

2. once an item is officially sold please delete your post. items, regardless if they sold or not, will be deleted by me in 4 weeks.

3. please only post ONE picture of the item. Use the app PicFrame to create a single instagram with multiple pictures of said item.

4. be sure to include whether shipping is free, included, or added on

5. once you you sell something it is your duty to contact that person and closeout out the transaction. I suggest using paypal.

that's it so far.....

Instagram Username: niohsaf_bazaar

1,000 times

2013-02-15T19:16:00.003-08:00

that's how many times i've probably blown my nose in the last 4 days. this was also the 2nd valentines day i was completely bed ridden! so annoying. not only am i sick, but helen and ben have been battling a nasty cold too. we are on the mend (i think), so i should finally get my act together and post helen's 8 month letter.

in the meantime, i bought myself a little something something from janelle's shop for vday and even though i wore it with sweats instead of the dress i was planning it still put a little skip in my step.

she just listed a few more in her shop....go get 'em. i plan on wearing mine with some oversized dresses this summer. such a simple, but stunning statement. and affordable. if these were in a fancy boutique they would be like 50 times more. for real.

like mother, like daughter

2013-02-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

when i was 8 my mom had matching holiday dresses made for the both of us. they were black and red and covered in poinsettia's. i was mortified to say the least. fast forward 21 years later and i guess i am more like my mother than i thought. from the moment i saw this dress i thought, "dang, they should make that in grownup sizes". i often thought about it and when i found out i was having a girl i pictured her in this dress everytime. well luck on my side it just went on sale and i scooped it up. granted she can't wear it for another 2 YEARS (call me cazy), but it was something i just had to do. then today i saw that they did in fact make limited edition adult sizes and i almost cried when i saw they were all sold out in the camel color. but they did have it in grey (!) on super sale (!), so 21 years later i will have a somewhat matching dress with my daughter who will one day cringe when she sees the pictures of us wearing them together. i apologize, helen.

ps. after further research i found a steal of a deal on this dress in blue on ebay in size 6/7. please buy it before i do. to have a dress in helens closet that she cant wear for 7 years is a little extreme but not past my better judgement.

xxxxxxxxx

widening circles

2013-01-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

first things first. THANK YOU so so so so much for all your comments/e-mails/texts/phone calls regarding my PPD post. whoa, i knew it was intense and that even my closest friends didn't know some of those details, but i never expected such a response. you guys are amazing. i am so happy that some of you chose to email me about your own struggles with depression and anxiety and i hope you know that i am always available to talk. mothers need other mothers. period.

when i was in the middle of ppd i remembered a poem that i had heard a few years ago. the first time i heard it, ben and i were driving up the shore to check out the fall colors. we were listening to npr's "on being" (then called speaking of faith) with krista tippett. she was interviewing philosopher and author, joanna macy, on the poet rilke. one of the poems they discussed was widening circles. ben and i were so struck by it we immediately looked it up when we got home. it was such a perfect poem and its always resonated with me since our fall drive.

it wasn't until i was in the midst of anguish and sadness that i remembered it. i started saying it over and over and then reading about it. it came to me at the perfect time. it made me feel like there was purpose to all of this. i came across this blog post and i suggest you reading it. it summed it up so well. anyway, i wanted to share it with all of you:

I live my life in widening circles

that reach out across the world.

I may not complete this last one

but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.

I've been circling for thousands of years

and I still don't know: am I a falcon,

a storm, or a great song?

for new years ben surprised me with the book a year with rilke. i absolutely LOVE it. i look forward to reading the daily poem each night. i recommend picking up a copy for yourself. you won't be disappointed.

:: my postpartum depression story ::

2013-01-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

It's time. I know I mentioned awhile back that once Helen was born I was struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety and that I would be sharing my story with all of you. I knew from the moment I started feeling like myself that I wouldn't keep quiet about it, but I have been contemplating how I should go about sharing it. To say it's been the hardest thing we ( Ben + I ) have overcome would be an understatement. I think one of the reasons women don't talk about it that much is because they want to forget it ever happened. They want to move on with their life. I get that, but I also know from experience that reading success stories from women who have conquered PPD was like finding a gold mine. Knowing other women made it through this got me through that day. Our world was completely shattered for a bit and I have been trying to sum it up in my head before writing about it, but after months of thinking it over and over, I decided I am just going to sit down and start typing.

I also wanted to mention that I decided not post the exact meds I took to help me feel better, because when I was in the midst of PPD I frantically googled what works and what doesn't and worried I wasn't taking the right med. Everyone is different and I didn't want someone to read this post and think that's exactly what they need to get better. If you really want to know, please send me an e-mail and I would be happy to let you know what worked for me.

I should also note that PPD has many faces. Some women get angry, some so sad they can't get out if bed, other have psychosis where they hallucinate or have intrusive thoughts. Some mothers have all of the above. Mine was diagnosed as PPD/PPA; postpartum depression and anxiety.

(This is going to be a long long long post, so I would plan on reading this when you have some time on your hands [and some tea and a comfy seat])

Here's what I knew about postpartum depression before I had a baby: women have a higher chance of getting it if they have a history of depression and anxiety, sexual abuse, went through a premature or traumatic labor, are single mothers, and have an unsupportive partner/ family. I had read A LOT while I was pregnant and there was always a little section on PPD. I remember thinking to myself, "Those poor women. That would really suck". I didn't think for a nano second it was a possibility for me. None of the things applied to my own life. I lived a pretty happy life with a wonderful husband. I left my job so I could swoon over baby all day once she arrived, and I had an awesome pregnancy. I didn't have any real emotional ups and downs while I was pregnant like so many mothers talk about. I felt REALLY good. I had never been on an anti-depressant or had a time in my life where I felt I was clinically depressed. Looking back I did have anxiety, but it was something I could always work through by running or talking with Ben and it was anxiety over things like starting a new job or a big change in our life (although I never had anxiety about getting pregnant for some reason).We had also decided to have a home birth, and I had read lots of articles that women who had a natural birth, were less likely to get PPD. Bonus!

So lets skip ahead now to my first day as a new mom (I will be sharing my birth story in a later post). I had Helen in the afternoon so Ben and I had all day to gawk at our new baby and cry like babies ourselves. Seriously, we were such a happy mess! Helen was absolutely beautiful and healthy. I was exhausted but my adrenaline kicked in and I couldn't wait to start showing her off. The first day only our parents and siblings came for a visit. By 6 pm we were all alone again and looking forward to our first night as a family. Helen constantly wanted to nurse and I wanted my milk to come in and for her to get colostrum so I kept her on my breasts a lot. When I tried swaddling her and laying her down she would cry unless she was sucking on something. I didn't want to try a paci yet because I was scared of nipple confusion, so Ben and I decided to take shifts. I would let her nurse for a couple hours and then Ben would lay with her and she would suck on his knuckle (which was totally adorable) so I could get some sleep. By now I was beyond exhausted. My contractions started the day before and I had now gone without any sleep for almost 48 hours. I went into our guestroom (Helen slept in our room) laid down and shut my eyes. Uh oh, I laid there for an hour and would start to nod off, but my body would jump; kind of like a jolt, and I would wake up. It was like my body was refusing to let me sleep. I started to get a little nervous, but I kept telling myself I better get used to little sleep anyway. I mean, isn't that what everyone says? You'll never sleep once you have kids? Eventually I fell asleep, but was disappointed to have only slept for 2 hours. By morning I was pretty pooped, but hey, I had a beautiful happy baby and once again my adrenaline kept me going. This continued for the next two days. I was able to get in maybe 2 hours of sleep at night. That weird jolting sensation kept happening, and instead of trying to ignore it, I started feeling a rush of anxiety every time it happened. I had Helen on a Friday and by Monday morning I had only slept about 6 hours in the last 4 days! I told Ben that I REALLY needed to sleep. I was losing my appetite and felt like a jittery mess.

During this time my midwife would visit once a day and I began to open up to her about how I was feeling. I was starting to get emotional and felt out of whack. I figured what I was experiencing was baby blues, and that it was just par for the course. Jana, my midwife, was a little concerned and recommended my mom or mother in law to stay for a night and take care of Helen so I could get a full nights rest. We both just thought I was severely sleep deprived and needed to catch up a bit.

That night Ben's mom came over for the night and took care of Helen while Ben and I slept. I slept in the guest room hoping to get as much undisturbed sleep as possible. I woke up the next morning and realized I had actually slept all night but instead of feeling better I felt worse! My chest was so tight and I immediately started bawling. I had no idea why. I walked into our bedroom where Ben was sleeping and sat at the end of the bed. "Something is seriously wrong with me", I said. I just sat there bawling while Ben hugged me and said we would figure it out. I just didn't feel right. My heart was pounding, I was light headed, I felt frantic, sad, and like I was physically dying. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was starting to have panic attacks. I had never had one before and let me tell you, it's a horrible, horrible feeling. I literally felt like my heart was going to explode. I just kept crying and crying and telling Ben how sorry I was. I kept saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

By now it was apparent to everyone that I was not doing so well. I stopped returning phone calls and texts, and didn't want any visitors. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I felt embarrassed that I wasn't on cloud nine baby heaven. In a matter of days I had gone from my happy self to a complete basket case. Jana came over to check on me and just by looking at me knew something was terribly wrong. I told her everything I was feeling and just laid in my bed crying. I asked her if she thought I had PPD, and she thought I might. She said I should see a doctor ASAP. She was going to start calling around and try to get me in to see a doctor the next day. It had been 4 days since I gave birth and I had barely eaten anything. I had no appetite and it started to get even worse. I was throwing up whatever I tried to eat. I was breastfeeding so I started to panic about my milk supply drying up because I wasn't getting enough calories. Ben kept trying to get me to eat and I would force myself to swallow, but 30 minutes later I would have to run to the bathroom because I couldn't keep it down. Once again, I thought my body was just giving up on me. I thought I was dying.

That night Ben's mom stayed over again in hopes that I could get more rest. When I tried to go to bed I immediately started to panic. I hated being away from Helen and felt like I was failing by not being able to take care of her at night. I started to have the worst panic attack yet. I ran downstairs to get Ben and started crying, begging him to take me to the hospital. I told him I felt like I was dying, that I couldn't handle this feeling, something was seriously wrong with me. He talked me into lying down again and he just held me while I cried and cried. He promised me he wouldn't leave my side. Knowing that I would be going to the doctor the next day gave me some hope that I wouldn't have to keep feeling like this. I just kept praying, and begging for it to go away.

You guys, I don't know how to describe what I was feeling. It was the most painful, debilitating, deep sadness on top of feeling like I had electricity running through my veins. Thankfully, I never felt like I was experiencing psychosis or thinking of harming myself or Helen. Thank God! Helen was a champ. She was sleeping long stretches at night (I know, right?), and gaining weight. She was healthy and happy through all of this which I am SO thankful for. I didn't have feelings of regret or felt like I wasn't bonding with her. I just felt like my brain and body were giving up on me. I started to worry about everything and thinking super irrational thoughts like Ben was going to divorce me, I was going insane, that I would never be able to eat or sleep again, and that my friends wouldn't like me anymore. I truly thought that a crazy switch went off in my brain when I gave birth. That I was forever broken.

By day 5 I hadn't kept food down in two days. This started to really freak me out and my panic attacks were coming every few hours. I couldn't wait to go see my doctor. I was under the impression that I was seeing my personal doctor, but turns out she wasn't in that day and they thought I should see someone immediately so my appointment was made with different doctor. While Ben and I sat in his office a nurse came in the room quietly and started whispering, "I heard why you're here and I don't think the doctor you are seeing today is right for you. Could you come back tomorrow?" Ugh. Seriously? Well, I didn't want to see a doctor that couldn't help me so I agreed to come back the next day. This was just the start of how my local medical community started to fail me.

That day I started to go downhill pretty fast. I still had not eaten and was dropping weight fast. By the end of all this I had lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks. I had to talk myself into anything. Literally. I would be in the shower and say, OK Kate, now you are going to pick up this bar of soap and rub it in your hands. My close friends had started to worry and really wanted to come over but I just ignored their calls and texts. Eventually they started calling Ben and he filled them in on what was happening. I finally agreed to let my friend April come over. April is not only one of my best friends, she was also the doula at my birth. I knew I must be in pretty bad shape because before I could even open my front door she saw me through the window and immediately started crying. We just held each other, both bawling, and she kept apologizing that I had to go through this. She also kept promising I would get better. I held on to those words so tight.

Day 6 I headed to my doctor's office yet again. I felt hopeful and prayed that she would come up with some miracle cure. I was given the PPD screen test and it was pretty clear I had it. I sat in the room and through tears told her everything I was feeling. She asked if I felt like hurting myself or Helen and I said definitely not. You could tell she didn't know really what to do. Sure, she could prescribe me an anti-depressant but that would take weeks to start working. We agreed I needed to see a psychiatrist. The only thing was that the first opening was in 3 months (fail 2)! I couldn't survive 3 more months of this. She said the fastest way to see a psychiatrist would be to check myself in to the hospital. She also thought I should go to the hospital since I had not eaten in 3 days. Jana had thought that I could possibly check in the OB floor since I just had a baby and she knew some of the nurses there. She made the call and since I had the baby at home I wasn't allowed to check into the OB (fail 3). Ugh. My doctor disappeared and came back with a new thought. She thought I should check myself into the hospitals psychiatric ward. She talked to a doctor over there and she assured me (and I quote), "That I would have a NICE, QUIET room where I would be able to sleep, get my appetite back, and best of all, see a psychiatrist that could HELP me the next day." She also said my family and baby could come be with me and that they would give me medicine to help with the anxiety and make me feel like myself....

A psychiatric ward? I just had a home birth to AVOID going to the hospital and now 6 days later I am suppose to check myself into the hospital psych ward?! Ben and I didn't know what to do. We both were freaked out about the idea of me staying overnight somewhere, but honestly, I really felt like this was my only option to feeling better. Ben and I were clueless when it came down to mental health issues. This was all so knew to us. Plus, I could barely make decisions with how I was feeling, so I trusted my doctor knew what was best. We agreed to go that afternoon and get it done with.

I packed my clothing , breastpump and the shirt Helen was wearing so I could have her smell with me. I was feeling terrible about this now. I couldn't leave her! But I couldn't feel like this anymore. I was so torn. I bawled all the way to the hospital. Once we got there we walked down towards the psych unit. Ben and I both realized just where most of our money goes. The closer we got toward the ward the interior got more and more dated. It was darker and seemed neglected compared to rest of the hospital. Once we were inside it looked even more depressing. I started to panic. I can't do this. I can't stay here. My mom and Ben were with me and started to have the same doubts. Ben kept saying, "I'm not sure about this anymore". We met with a nurse in the room where I was to be staying. It wasn't the nice, quiet room my doctor had described. It was a room with two beds, four walls, a bathroom, and that's it. The beds had paper like sheets and a thin blanket. It looked like a prison cell. The nurse explained that once I signed in I was here to stay and that I wouldn't be allowed to leave until a psychiatrist would release me (fail 4). It got worse. I wouldn't be allowed to have family stay with me, nor could Helen come. I would only be allowed to have one set of clothes, no phone, no ipad, no watch. Nothing. There was a phone in the hallway I could use at designated times and Ben could visit during visitor hours only. Say what? I started to freak out. What if they kept me here longer than a night? What if they thought I was crazy and made me stay a long time?! Ben immediately got on the phone and started calling my doctor. He wanted to make sure this was the only way I was able to get the right help. He also wanted the doctor to know that she misled us. This WAS NOT a pleasant place. Had she ever even been here?! She kept telling us that this was what needed to happen so I would feel better. It was the quickest way to get the right help.

You guys, this was the hardest decision I have ever made. I honestly didn't know what to do. I don't think anyone around me did. All we had was to cling to the hope that I would be able to get help from this psychiatrist that would be seeing me in the morning. I was really hung up on the idea of them keeping me there. Even the nurses and staff kind of gave me the why are you here look. I could tell they don't get many moms suffering from PPD in there. I decided to stay. I was freaked out of my mind, but kept telling myself I was doing this to get better. I wanted to be with it for Helen! Thankfully, I think the nurses were sympathetic and let my mom and Ben stay past visiting hours.

I was now alone. I stayed in my room with the door shut, but they would continue to check on me EVERY 30 minutes. I cannot even begin to tell you how I felt during this time. Even thinking about it has me in tears. Here I was, a week postpartum and I was in a pysch ward. I held on to Helen's shirt and just bawled. Between the 30 minute checks and having to pump frequently I didn't get much sleep. The next morning I just waited for the psychiatrist to come. Ben was able to visit by now and together we waited anxiously for the psychiatrist. When he came in we went over what I was feeling and I was so anxious he was going to keep me there I tried to act as "normal" as possible. Basically, he claimed what I was experiencing was "baby blues" and that I should be feeling better in about 2 weeks. Huh? You really think I spent the night away from my newborn because I have the baby blues (fail 5)?! He didn't even want to prescribe me anything! I couldn't believe this. I was so angry, but I just wanted to get out of there. I talked him into prescribing an anti-depressant in case I didn't feel better in 2 weeks.

The weird thing is that once I got released and went back home I did start feeling better. That day I felt better than I had all week. Maybe I did only have baby blues! The next day some friends came to visit and I told them what happened to me. They were so understanding and just so happy to finally be able to see me. I was ecstatic to be feeling good again. A couple days went by and I started to feel a little anxious again. I started feeling a little off and weepy. Once 4 or 5 pm hit I started to get anxiety about sleeping that night. Since I had been feeling so good I never took the anti-depressant I was prescribed. I started wondering if maybe I should, but thought I would just give it some time. These feelings started to escalate and I started to panic. It's coming back! By the end of the 4th day I was once again having panic attacks and crying for no reason. I almost felt worse than before because I thought I had beat it and now it felt like I was going to deal with this forever. Then it went away. Again.

This ended up being a pattern. I would feel like myself for a few days and then I would plummet into the darkness. It was almost like I was being possessed. I could physically feel it coming on and feel it when it was leaving. It was so odd. Even Ben noticed. He would look at me and say, "is it coming"? Later he told me I no longer had to tell him if I was feeling I bad, he could see it my eyes. I would start referring to these episodes as "crashes".

Here are just a few things I experienced during this time:

- I was unable to be alone. I had to be near Ben pretty much ALL THE TIME. This involved me and Helen camped out next to his desk all day while he worked. (I was SO SO SO lucky Ben worked from home)

- My mom or Ben's mom pretty much stayed at our house every night for about 2 months

- I saw some new moms at the co-op laughing together and broke down in tears. I felt so angry and jealous that they were enjoying their babies and motherhood.

- I consulted with 2 more doctors that were completely unhelpful.

- I knew I would never end my life, but each time I experienced a crash I would say I wanted to just die. I didn't see life worth living if I kept feeling like this.

- I never thought I would sleep normally again.

- I felt so guilty for needing help from our family and Ben knowing they had to work. I felt like I was failing as a new mother.

- I was constantly worried about Ben's welfare. I wanted him to be well rested and happy, and felt terrible that he had to see me like this.

My friends started to notice that I wasn't feeling good again and tried to get me out of the house more. I didn't want to see them when I felt so bad. One of my best friends, Leslie, still hadn't met Helen yet because I kept cancelling on her. The thought of seeing my friends gave me anxiety so I decided to e-mail them and tell them I couldn't see them until I felt better. They didn't give up though. My friend Molly talked me into letting her come over one afternoon. She asked me if I decided to take the anti-depressant. When I told her I wasn't taking it she grew concerned and told me that maybe body needed it right now and that it would help me. I said I would think about it.

I was still sleeping poorly. I kept having these horrible night wakings where I would wake up and think that I fell asleep and rolled over on Helen. I would jump out of bed and tear off all the sheets looking for her and then realize she was sound asleep in our co-sleeper. After 2 weeks of crashes I decided to start taking the anti-depressant. This was so hard for me to do because I didn't want to be a "depressed person". I hated the thought of having to take something to feel normal. I was also worried about taking medication while nursing. After all, I just gave birth to a baby without a drop of anything. This didn't sit well with me. In the end, I knew I had a bad case of PPD and I needed to take meds. I wasn't going to suffer through it. It wouldn't be fair to Helen or Ben.

So I took the med. I was completely new to this whole thing and I thought once I started I would magically start feeling better. Not even close. If anything it messed with me more. I soon learned about "therapeutic doses" and how it can take up to 6 weeks for it to fully work. I was obsessed with looking at my calendar. The sad thing, is that by wishing away the time so I could feel better I was wishing away Helen's first months. I was still experiencing crashes and was beginning to think I would never feel better. Jana was still coming to visit me and during one of her visits I crashed. I started crying and felt so hopeless. When this all started she mentioned a PPD psychiatrist in Minneapolis, but I hadn't given it much thoughts since it would involve driving 3 hours to see them. She brought it up again and this time Ben and I decided to go. I was able (thanks to Jana) to get in to see one of them that week!

My mom, Ben, Helen, and I packed up and drove down to meet her. Why I waited to do this until then is beyond me. Dr.Kim helped save my life. She were everything I could have wished for. She helps women who have been diagnosed with PPD all day long. She knew just what to say and do and that was SO reassuring after seeing so many doctors that didn't. It was like she could read my mind. Knowing that she had helped hundreds of women in the same boat gave me such hope. Over the course of two months she and her team were able to get me on a new medication plan that I felt comfortable with and that was safe while breastfeeding. It wasn't any easy fix. I still had crashes, but I had their support and their promise I would overcome this. I won't lie. Sometimes I thought I was completely better only to have a terrible crash a week later. The meds I started began to work and soon the crashes became less and less. My psychiatrist recommended I see a therapist in Duluth since I would only be seeing her once a month. I found one online and ended up really liking her. She has helped me so much and really helped me work through my anxiety. I started going for a walk or run every night and taking baths to relax. I joined a local PPD support group and met with women going through the same thing. I was surprised to meet so many women who had similar experiences. I learned that 1 out of 8 women experience PPD and many suffer in silence. I knew I couldn't keep quiet about my experience and vowed to tell everyone I knew. Once I started telling people I was shocked to learn that some of them had gone through it themselves. I wish someone would have told me. I wish I would have known more about PPD and that my community did too.

For awhile I was really angry that my first two months of Helen's life were a living hell. I felt so cheated and robbed. It's still hard to talk about without getting emotional. I was sobbing halfway through this post, but you know what? Good has come out of this too. The biggest thing (besides Helen of course), is how much my love for my family and friends grew. I really didn't think I could love Ben more. I've always adored him, but the last 5 months he has made my heart grow more than I could imagine. I didn't go into too much detail with how he helped me in this post, but he did not leave my side for 3 months! He was so supportive and willing to do anything. He got me out for walks every evening, he stayed up with Helen all night so I could sleep, he cooked for me, but most of all he was just there for me. By my side, telling me how much he loved me, how I am such a good mother, and how I WILL get better. He promised me this every day. He stayed so strong even though I knew this was so hard on him. Duluth was hit with an epic flood 3 weeks after Helen was born. Our newly remodeled basement which housed Ben's office and our TV room was completely destroyed by 6 inches of sewage water Not only did he have a business to run, but he had a wife with severe PPD, a newborn, and now his office was covered in poop. Yet he remained positive and never let me see him sad. He knew that would only make me feel worse. I can't imagine surviving this without him. He is the most amazing human being I've ever known.

My family was also so supportive. My mom and Ben's mom would rotate and stay with us pretty much every night. I was never alone. My mom would lay down with me and rub my back and tell me everything would be OK. Ben's mom checked out every book in the library (literally) on PPD and read each one with me. I found some pretty encouraging reads that I will share below. My dad would call me at least twice a day to check in and drive 3 hours just to bring me lunch. I had so much support and love from my family. I really think this made us all closer and helped tremendously in my recovery.

And of course I am so thankful for my friends and Jana who constantly checked in with me and did not give up on me. Who cried by my side and would have conference calls with each other to see what they could do to help.

I also want to point out that the anger I do have left is with the Duluth medical community. I went to 4 different doctors and ended up leaving hopeless each time. I do agree that some women with severe PPD, particularly those with psychosis and scary intrusive thoughts, can benefit from checking themselves into a psychiatric unit (as it did with the popular blogger, Heather Armstrong). But that ward needs to have a medical staff that understands the illness and not treat it the same as other mental illnesses. There are only a handful of hospitals in the country that have units just for postpartum mothers. There was one in Minneapolis but it closed due to lack of funding. I was encouraged to hear there's a new day clinic at Hennepin County Medical for women to go to during the day and be able to be at home with their babies at night. There needs to be more of these.

Mental illness in general needs to be looked at closer and not given the backseat. As mentioned, it was CLEARLY visible where the money goes at the hospital I was in. I couldn't believe the place I was in was meant to help people. It was beyond depressing.

I am writing this post because many women who go through PPD don't have the kind of support I was lucky to have. I thought my experience was hell on earth, but imagine going through any of this without the support of your husband or family! It makes me so sad to think about. If this post helps at least one women I would be ecstatic. I know some of you who are reading this have gone through PPD and I encourage you to share your stories with others. I really think there is a huge problem when it comes to talking about it.

There is a stigma associated with depression. I am totally guilty of this. When I had friends who were depressed I just thought they were feeling sad. That doing something different or fun would make them feel better. It doesn't work like that at all! Ben could have bought the whole Steven Alan store for me and I still would have felt awful. You can't just snap out of it. Now that I have experienced PPD I have a whole new appreciation for my mental health and deep respect for people who are suffering from depression.

Right now my biggest challenge is trying to move forward. I think there is a sort of PTSD side that happens once you have PPD and I don't think this is talked about enough either. I repeatedly hear mothers in recovery talk about how scared and worried that it's going to come back. When you have PPD you are SO tuned into your feelings that any sort of different feeling can make the anxiety come back and you think you're going to relapse. This is my biggest obstacle right now. Just the other week I was feeling a little "off" and panicked and thought, "oh no, it's the PPD" only to calm myself down and realize it was just a stomach ache. It's also OK for me to feel "off" sometimes. I have to remind myself that there were moments in my life when I felt anxious or sad before I had Helen and it's OK to feel that way once in awhile.

I have only been symptom free for a little over 4 months, so I cannot say for a fact I am over this. I am still taking an anti-depressant and it's recommended I stay on for at least a year. I'm OK with that. I understand my body needs it right now and that I won't be on it forever. I am on the road to recovery and am so thankful. I have never appreciated my life as much as I do now.

The last few months I have actually been able to help a handful of new moms and it feels so rewarding. Some of these mothers I have never even met! They heard my story through a friend or family member and ended up reaching out to me. We talk on the phone, text, e-mail, and just get them through those tough moments. I know it's helped them to talk to someone who has gone through it, because when you are in the thick of it, it really does feel like it's NEVER going to go away. It's nice to having someone on the other end of things.

When I am speaking with a mom going through PPD now, here is often what I tell them:

**You are not in this alone. Please make an appointment with a doctor, a psychiatrist if you can so you can be treated properly. Please talk to your partner, family, and friends so they can help you too.

**Don't delay getting help. The sooner you seek help the faster recovery will be.

**It's never too late to get help.

**Don't be afraid to take meds. You will not need them forever. Your hormones and brain chemistry have gone out of whack and need help getting on the right track again.

**Don’t stop taking your meds once you feel better. This is a common mistake. Never go off them without talking to your doctor first.

**Exercise and get out of the house. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it really does help.

** Accept all the help you can get and don't feel guilty about it

** Join a local PPD group or and online support group

**Don't look up everything on online. Googling your meds and symptons over and over will make you feel worse and just increase your anxiety.

**You will have ups and downs, so when the downs come, try not to focus on them. Start marking on your calendar all your good days and you will start to see them outnumber the bad.

**Take Omega 3 fish oil and your prenatal vitamins. These help boost your serotonin levels.

**Get as much sleep as possible and try to eat balanced meals

**Take everything day by day, moment by moment.

**Most importantly: YOU WILL RECOVER. I think everyone woman who has PPD fears a switch has gone off in their brain and they will feel this way forever. You won't. Promise.

Resources I found particularly helpful:

http://www.postpartumprogress.com - is amazing!

Mother-to-Mother - I now give this book to mother's I meet going through PPD. I read this every night before bed.

Conquering Postpartum Depression - This book was helpful solidifying what Dr. Kim was prescribing me. I ended up taking some of the meds in this book and it's what helped me recover so quickly.

If you live in MN please e-mail for local recommendations and resources!

This Youtube video really resonated with me. I felt very similar to how she felt in the beginning. Especially with the insomnia side of things.

And as much as you wouldn't wish this upon anyone, it is encouraging to read other blog mama's who have made it through something similar. Cup of Jo, Orangette, and of course Dooce

Me - please don't hesitate to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to. I would LOVE to speak with you.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

So there you have it. I've always been pretty vocal regarding my feelings, but I have to say it took a lot of courage to write this post. Regurgitating all these emotions takes it's own toll and brings me back a little. It's also part of the healing process. Like I said, if it helps even one person it's totally worth it.

Now let us get to the fun/gross/amazing/painful/beautiful part....Helen's birth story coming soon!

7 months

2013-01-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

darling helen,

when you were just a baby i would hear other mothers talking about 5,6 months and that seemed old to me. 7 months felt like light years away. i couldn't picture it. i now find myself grasping at each memory when you were so new with sloth like movements and squinty eyes. time feels like its racing and although i welcome each new day with open arms and excitement at seeing your smiling face when i walk into your room, i'm also a bit sad knowing how each week feels so vaporous and fleeting.

you are now 7 months. you seem more and more like a little girl. december was a crazy month. you celebrated your first christmas by traveling all across minnesota. i think after everything was said and done we had 6 christmas get togethers! you loved seeing lots of new faces and you got a kick out of tearing off wrapping paper. christmas eve, nana pulled out her guitar and you were memorized at the sound it made. you just stood there and watched her sing and play with such sweetness.

you are starting to play with other babies. you love hanging out with your niece and nephew and can happily sit and play with toys with them. this is not so much the case when its just you and me. you love crawling all over the house discovering new things and you REALLY like following argos around and grabbing his fur.

you now have two bottom teeth! you love eating and trying new things. right now your favorite is sweet potato and oatmeal. it's getting more and more difficult to nurse you because you can't miss a thing! right now your new thing is trying to stand and nurse at the same time. it doesnt work very well, so i usually have to go into a dark room to get you to focus :)

sleeping has been going so well. you sleep a good 11-12 hours at night with one night nurse. you always wake up in the morning with a smile on your face. mornings are my favorites, because this is the time you actually will stay still to cuddle. i bring you in our bed and you nurse and cuddle with me in the dark while we wait for the sun to rise. i never want to forget these moments.

gypsy

2013-01-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

this word has been popping up a lot lately. a couple weeks ago i bought tickets to see fleetwood mac in april (cannot wait!) and have been playing the song "gypsy" on repeat in my head ever since. i also discovered the show my big fat gypsy wedding and although i try hopelessly to avoid watching junk, it's really hard for me to turn the channel once i see those 15 year olds head to the alter covered in mechanical butterflies.

most recently, i discovered gypsy water. i have never been a perfume wearer. i tend to get sick of scents pretty quick, but i have always liked the notion of having a signature scent. its just too good, really. i spent the first week just smelling myself. literally. i would wake up in the middle of night to nurse helen and i would start smelling my wrist. it was a like a newly discovered reflex. i also asked ben about 5 times a day "can you smell it on me?" as a shoved my neck into his face. if you live in the duluth area, feel free to come by for a sniff.

on the topic of beauty - i have been a little on the indulgent side. i decided i wanted to start 2013 with a new skin regime. it all started when i got a clarisonic for christmas. right now i think i am in the "purging phase" as my face has broken out more than ever, so right now i cannot fully review it. from what i've read i should see "amazing results" in a couple weeks. keep you posted. anyway - the clarisonic combined with a trip to barneys and sephora has completed my new year beauty routine. it has also left me, and i quote my father here, "brokeass mountain."

a new year

2013-01-15T18:30:00.000-08:00

our family took off for its first vacation of the year. our good friends, clint and andrea, invited us to stay with them in scottsdale and the thought of wearing no socks and getting to wear my new ermie dress was too good to pass up. i was of course panicky about helen's first flight but that seems almost foolish now. she was the star of the plane. the flight attendants spent the majority of the flight gawking at her (which she loved) and she got a kick out of just looking at all the people in line for the bathroom (we had the last row on the plane).

after a few days in scottsdale and a not so good for my pocket book trip to barneys (could not pass up all the sales and when its nice to be a "larger" size in a place where the majority of women there are size 2. most of the clearance was all in my size. just too good to pass up) we headed north to flagstaff where we rented a cute little A frame. the highlight was definitely hiking around sedona. we made our way to a vortex where i SWEAR helen was feeling it. she was super giddy and laughing the whole time. i'm a believer.

i will say traveling with an infant is exhausting. between lugging around the carseat and working around nap schedules it can be a bit much. however, i also came home feeling like we won the amazing race. WE DID IT. then i slept for two days.

..............

now it's 2013 and for the first time in my life i am so happy to be done with the previous year. helen, of course, made the century for me, but a summer with severe ppd made me just want to get 2012 over with. speaking of - i know i said i would be blogging about my experience with ppd and it should be posted soon. its been harder than i thought it would. to regurgitate such emotions takes its own toll, but i am looking forward to sharing my story with all of you. cheers to new beginnings.

I love all beginnings, despite their anxiousness and their uncertainty, which belong to every commencement. If I have earned pleasure or a reward, or if I wish that something had not happened; if I doubt the worth of an experience and remain in my past- then I choose to begin at this very second.

Begin what? I begin. I have already thus begun a thousand lives. - rilke

6 months

2012-12-17T12:27:00.001-08:00

(I am not being very timely on these....this is about 2 weeks late!)

Oh, Helen Rhone. This last month has been my favorite. I keep telling people that if I could give birth to a 5 month old I would. The fact that you're so engaged with your surroundings and smile when your dad or I walk into the room makes my heart want to explode. I was right when I said you would be crawling soon. At 5.5 months you took your first few crawls at Nana's house and never looked back. You are on the move! a week later you started to climb up on things and stand! So now my dear, you are crawling and standing on everything.

You are still a little peanut. Most of your baby friends are quite bigger than you even though they are younger. You can still wear most of your 3 month clothing, but I've been having fun looking for vintage holiday dresses for you. You are going to have the quite the wardrobe little one.

It's taking you a little bit of time to warm up to new people. You no longer are content with just anyone. I think you might be going through some separation anxiety because you get really mad when dad or I leave the room. You start to cry until we come back and get you. Secretly, I sort of like it. It makes me feel needed and loved by you which fills my heart.

You had your first Thanksgiving and loved trying sweet potatoes and peas. The holiday season is allowing you to meet more of your family. You are loved by so many. Grandpa David comes and visits you regularly now. He drives up from Minneapolis at least once a week to see you and usually brings a car full of things he's bought you. He is spoiling you with loads of goodies to the point that I am starting to donate them to others (sorry dad).

You love listening to music and this month you especially liked listening to Willie Nelson's Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Your face lights up every time I put the record player on.

We have a lot planned in the next few weeks. Lots of trips to Greenlake, Minneapolis and a flight to Arizona! Should be an adventure. Christmas is coming and I cannot wait to bring you around the neighborhood to look at lights and trim our tree. You are the best gift of all, my sweet Helen.

I'm blogging about toys

2012-12-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

Before I had my own children the conversation of toys would occasionally come up and without fail I would say, "My children are NOT going to play with all that plastic crap". In my head I envisioned lots of cool wood toys and handmade stuffed animals. Now that we have a little one of our own and she's at the age where she can be distracted with toys I'm starting to think of what to buy Helen. I absolutely love wood toys and I definitely get why parents buy them. Helen even has some, but they seem a little drab, no? I started thinking about when I was kid and what I played with and immediately thought of the Happy Apple, remember this thing?! It got me searching on Etsy for vintage toys and I came across this Fisher Price A Frame from the 70s. Seriously. Cool.

Now this is what I'm talking about. I realize it's not BPA free, but I fall in the category between crunchy and mainstream so my conscience is clear. This one is quite spendy, but there are affordable options if you're cool with no furniture and carpet stains. I also should add that Fisher Price made some pretty interesting toys back in the day - surf trucks, crabby red headed children, and even deep sea divers.

............

I am looking forward to when Helen is at an age where she can create her own toys and we can start using more of an imagination This new toy company based in Minneapolis is pretty sweet. Endless possibilities with this thing.

2012-11-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

I want this hanging on my wall

yearnings

2012-11-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

With the holiday season ahead I am trying to limit self indulgences, but of course that doesn't stop me from online gazing and wishful thinking. At first glance I thought this coat was just ok, but once I noticed it was tweed I completely changed my tune and can't stop thinking how I want to live in it. For good measure I added some accessories that would also be well worn.

Jacket : Need Supply

Bracelet: Pretty Mommy

Hat: Arrow and Arrow

5 months

2012-11-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

Me! See a resemblance?

Helen!

Your sweet little face is changing every time I see you in the morning. I must say you are looking more and more like (ahem) your mama; though your papa would disagree. You are such a happy baby and it's now so easy to get you to laugh and smile. You are the biggest wiggle worm and always like being on the move. I have a feeling you might be crawling soon (!) as you spend most of the day rocking back on all fours. You can now sit up on your own and reach for everything in sight. You started to sleep a bit better and in the last couple weeks you started to nap more than 30 minutes at a time which is a huuuuuuuuge. I hope it sticks!

This last month was full of adventures. You attended your first Applefest, you got to meet so many wonderful new baby friends like Vita and Leo , helped us celebrate uncle Hasty's birthday, and carved pumpkins for your first Halloween!

Your little voice is so high and squeaky. You often sounds like a baby pterodactyl which is real fun when we're at a restaurant. Your tiny head is rocking a full on rats tail which I'm not too sure what to do with (braid it and bead it?), but I think you pull it off well.

I think you are going to be a food lover like your parents. You watch with such intensity as we eat and start smacking your lips. I gave you some banana and avocado and you gobbled it right up! I'm going to start making you baby food this month and can't wait to see all the colorful cubes frozen in our fridge.

Today is also a big day. We are going to go VOTE and ring in 5 months right.

Love you, dolly. Till next month

xxm

where I was from

2012-11-06T09:15:00.003-08:00

My friends Leslie (and doppelganger) and her boyfriend Sam are featured on the blog Where I was From. Check our her beautiful home (hello Alec Soth and Robert Palidori) and lovely cats! (ps. those clogs are killer)

4 months

2012-10-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Little Helen Rhone,

You turned 4 months last Friday. What? Where has this time gone? I must say month 3 proved pretty challenging and your mama is hoping month 4 is a wee bit easier. For one, you started waking up more in the night and just seemed overall cranky during the day because you refuse to nap more than 30 minutes! You just don't want to miss a thing. I chalk it up to you just being so smart :) You are rolling a lot. You are like a little fish; as soon as I lay you down on your back you flop to your belly. You also seem to like kicking your legs a lot and something tells me you really just want to get up and walk. Your sweet little hands are reaching for everything in sight and you LOVE sucking on those hands and pretty much anything you can grasp, but I don't see or feel any teeth yet. You also LOVE other babies and will sit and stare in awe of them. We are starting to meet all sorts of new friends and I cannot wait to watch you grow with them.

Lucky for me you don't seem to mind the Ergo now and we can go for hikes! You usually end up taking a snooze in it which makes me so happy. We took our first hike in Hartley and we walked the same trail I walked for the 9 months when you were in my belly.

You love to have you diaper changed and we often have little chats and songs on the changing table. Your papa taught me his favorite baby song and we sing it to you all the time now:

Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea,

Swing so wild and swim so free,

Heaven above, and the sea below,

And a little white whale on the go....

The best thing this last month has been hearing your sweet giggle and squeaks. We raise you above or heads and kiss your belly and you just can't get enough!

Now we wait to see what this new month brings. I love you little Helen Rhone. xx