Underground Dubai

You Can’t Picture This

2008-05-13T12:27:00.001+04:00

Question: What is a bastard exactly?

2008-05-04T13:45:00.000+04:00

"What is a bastard?“

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the one of the few truisms in life is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In the photo following, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,

Jokes to offend everyone.........

2008-04-27T14:21:00.000+04:00

History teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f***ing> white man to be called Winston!'

I've just loaded 'British Airways Boeing 777 Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm? The McCartneys But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says F***ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother.

Pictures That Changed The World III

2008-03-24T11:04:00.001+04:00

CLICK HERE for a trip through the lens.

win win win on UK Lottery go for it!

2008-02-28T10:02:00.000+04:00

and with that

2008-02-27T15:42:00.000+04:00

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Movies Moves Movies

2008-02-25T13:10:00.000+04:00

all about nowt

2008-02-17T10:12:00.001+04:00

Big Questions

What people are asking this week

Whose relationship split has brought back
the rumours that their union was sparked
by a contract brokered by their
publicists who were keen to dampen down
speculation about both celebrities'
private lives?

What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.

Food for thought

Like lambs to the slaughter

Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."

No Pok!

2007-11-12T16:13:00.000+04:00

Dubai Media Blah

2007-11-11T15:14:00.000+04:00

Ajman - Croc shock

Lighthearted report about a crocodile spotted in Ajman

or

Seven die as partially completed bridge collapses

Report on the death of 6 workman in Dubai Marina

As Editor, what story would you put on your front page?

7 Days plumped for the croc.

Enough said.

Party Tunes

2007-08-13T10:13:00.000+04:00

Iraqi party spolied by DJ

Dubai ruler Sheik al-Maktoum threw a celebration
for the Iraqi soccer team after its recent
Asian Cup win. However, for poor Iraqis,
nothing ever goes quite to plan. They
were welcomed with Iraq's Saddam Hussein-era
national anthem, Ardulfurataini Watan, rather
than current one, prompting many of the players
to walk out.

FYI: After Saddam's overthrow, Iraqi authorities
selected "Mawtini," a popular Arab folk tune, to
replace the old anthem which glorified the Baath party.
http://david.national-anthems.net/iq'.htm

FYI 2: Sheik al-Maktoum gave the team $5.45m.
The team has been given $10,000 each in Iraq.

spot the injustice of it all

2007-08-01T09:57:00.000+04:00

In what civilised society does a 15 year old girl who was clearly forced into prostitution face prosecution herself?

Dubai - A man who brought a 15-year-old girl into the UAE after claiming he could get her a job before forcing her into prostitution, was jailed for six months at the Court of First Instance yesterday.

The 35-year-old Iraqi expat will be deported after serving his sentence. The teenager, who is also from Iraq, said she had left her home country as her family were struggling financially and she thought she would be able to help them.
She told the court that the man tricked her into becoming a prostitute in the UAE and claimed that he abused her as he acted as her pimp.
After the repeated abuse became too much she went to police who arrested the man. The youngster faces separate charges relating to prostitution in the Minors’ Court.

like they care

2007-07-12T17:15:00.000+04:00

Live Earth's BBC1 audience peaked at 3.1m. This
year's Eurovision got 10.9m.

TV news-crews get special training

2007-06-21T17:32:00.000+04:00

Alan Johnston has now spent 100 days as a
hostage in Gaza. TV news networks are taking
no chance with other British foreign
correspondents. News hounds are being hurriedly
sent on Kidnapping Training courses.

And what are they told to do in the event
of being kidnapped?

"Tell them absolutely anything they want."

and why not...............

the ultimate F1

2007-04-03T10:14:00.000+04:00

Quote Promotional Code 5967476a for serious discounts

more pictures that changed the world

2007-03-12T09:21:00.000+04:00

1962. A soldier shot by a sniper hangs onto a priest in his last moments.

1966. U.S. troops in South Vietnam are dragging a dead Vietkong soldier.

1972. After South Vietnam planes accidentally drop a bomb on a town.

1980. A kid in Uganda about to die of hunger, and a missionaire.

2002. Soldiers and villagers in Iran are digging graves for the victims of the earthquake. A kid holds his father's pants before he is buried.

pictures that changed the world

2007-02-27T17:08:00.000+04:00

1963. Thich Quang Duc, the Buddhist priest in Southern Vietnam , burns himself to death protesting the government's torture policy against priests. Thich Quang Dug never made a sound or moved while he was burning.

February 1, 1968. South Vietnam police chief Nguyen Ngoc Loan shots a young man, whom he suspects to be a Viet Kong soldier.

1975. A woman and a girl falling down after the fire escape collapses.

1989. A young man in China stands before the tanks during protests for democratic reforms.

2003. An Iraqi prisoner of war tries to calm down his child.

a joke

2007-02-21T14:21:00.000+04:00

The Cork

Two young terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class in Leeds , when one notices the other has a huge cork
stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first youth. "It is permanently stuck in
my arse."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first man says, "I was walking along the Headrow And I tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in
Union Jack attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out. He
said, "I am Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

who's a naughty boy? don't do it again!

2007-02-05T14:33:00.000+04:00

"A British man yesterday pleaded guilty to molesting a Dubai Airport employee by slapping him on the buttocks - three times. The trial, which started yesterday, heard that the 30-year-old British visitor, AJ, who is charged with molestation and consuming alcohol"

This will be the FREE alcohol that the man was plied with on his Emirates flight would it?

It appears that alcohol consumption illegal in Dubai without a liquor license.

A work colleague of mine was jailed for 30 days for consumption only last year.

Yet they give the stuff away not only on flights into the UAE, but also to the fairer sex in just about every licensed establishment in Dubai.

Check out "Ladies Nights" in Time Out Dubai for your free booze sessions.

Just don't EVER put a foot, or indeed a hand out of place whilst you are in any way under the influence of alcohol in Dubai or the chances are you WILL be banged up.

The 7days story is highlighted to warn you of the dangers of consuming alcohol in Dubai without a liquor licence. A liquor license that is only available to residents.

AJ probably deserves punishment for smacking someone; be it on the arse or face, it's still pretty much assault; but whether he deserves to be charged with consuming alcohol is another matter all together.

that's not entertainment

2007-01-07T16:29:00.000+04:00

Where has all of the famous DSF Family entertainment gone?

During my time here in Dubai one of the highlights of the year for our friends and family has always been visiting the public parks during the Shopping Festival.

We have seen some wonderful shows in the parks over the years including Casper, Aladdin, Pinocchio, Jungle Book and Treasure Island to name but a few!

These shows used to cost us just 10 Dirhams to go and see and so were an affordable way for many of Dubai's residents to see quality professional entertainment that would other wise have been out of their reach.

This year, not only is the Global Village charging its visitors to browse round the market stalls but the public parks have no entertainment shows on offer.Is it a sign of the times in Dubai, that the Snow White pantomime that was staged in the Madinat theatre over the Festive season had tickets priced at 135 Durhams compered to the DSF Snow White show in Safa Park a few years ago that cost just AED 10 to go and see.....?

The average cost of the Quidam tickets, the Cirque Du Soleil show , is AED 375; completely pricing out around 80% of Dubai's population.

Ali Baba, a show being staged in the (laughingly entitled) "Community Theatre" has an average ticket price of 265 Dirhams.

This is London West End prices for a community theatre audience.

Dubai used to have a slogan "The City That Cares"; Come on Dubai Municipality; show us you still care!

Dubai Drivers Why?

2006-12-30T13:18:00.000+04:00

had a nasty experience again on the roads of Dubai.

Doing the speed limit of 120kph on the Emirates road a group of lads in local dress came up behind me flashing their head lights at me as if their life depended on it.

Unable to move over due to traffic on my right , I continued along at now just above the speed limit.

The car behind me was now just a few inches at most away from my rear bumper. Honking on his horn and continuing to flash like mad.

I found space to move over a minute or so along the road and the car behind me promptly pulled along side me and forced me to swerve into the inside lane to avoid a crash.

Now if I was to give these guys "the finger" or even just a piece of my mind; it's me that would get prosecuted.

What is it that turns usually mild mannered locals into mad men when they get behind the wheel of a car?

Small ???????? one would imagine. (self edited as the truth often leads to arrest)

i will chop it off

2006-12-11T11:42:00.000+04:00

I did warn you that I will not be getting to post that often these days.

After 6 years in Dubai I have forgotten how inconvenient it can be to actually have to go to work every day.

However the construction workers outside my villa ensure that I always get up on time but banging away at 7.00am every morning.

If you’re reading this blog Mr Construction Worker I do that you.

Two requests though.

1) Please don’t continue to do it on a Friday. That’s my rest day.
2) If you persist in using my villa wall as a public lavatory I will cut it off ok.

From pissing work men to Brits Abroad – a comprehensive guide to where Britons live around the world.

55,000 ex-pats in the United Arab Emirates make it the most popular Middle East location – 13th overall in the world.

26,000 live in Saudi Arabia – but only 142 pensioners. Most Brits are temporary oil workers.

3,400 pensioners in Yemen is the largest cluster of retired British citizens in the region.

What on earth are over three thousand British pensioners doing in Yemen for heavens sake?

Answers on a postcard please.

it's life jim but not as we knew it.......

2006-10-29T22:18:00.000+04:00

I just don't seem to have the time to post these days. I will put in the odd offering so I hope you visit every now and again for words of fun and insight of sorts.

I did see something today though that seemed to sum up life in Dubai in a snapshot.

Driving through Merdif I noticed a delivery van unloading a brand new state of the art plasa TV and its recipient opening his front door in expectation of crystal clear viewing of all the best entertainment that the satellite has to offer.

On te other side of the street at that exact moment a couple of guys were going through the dumpster looking for anything worth selling in order to eat that night.

It's life Jim but not as we knew it.

Album Cover Galore!!

2006-10-12T23:16:00.000+04:00

Bye Bye Miss Australian Pie

2006-10-01T00:03:00.000+04:00

Australian Coastline

An American academic has created a series of images which illustrate the impact global warming might have on Australia.