Cano Crew

September...in a nutshell.

2014-10-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well I am sucking big time at blogging. My posts are getting longer, too jam packed, and huge gaps of time between them. But in order to carry on, here is a real quick look at the few events I snapped pics of for the month of September. I guess the good news is I rarely remember to pick up my SLR, so there are not too many pics.

Been in school for about a week and then came Labor Day. We didn't really plan much until the last minute. I don't know why. But in the end we kept it pretty simple. Took the boys to see "Guardians of the Galaxy". My husband is a total nerd. He saw it THREE times in the theater. Three!! I tell ya, I barely claim this dude...how embarassing to say he saw it three times!

Boys loved it, and surprisingly so did I. Not usually my thing, but I really enjoyed it. Made me laugh. Definitely one of those movies that once I have seen I don't need to see it again. I would never see it three times!! But thats just me.

Planned a little BBQ later that night with my mom and Ash and kids. But we had a little time to kill before then so we took the kids to one of those old NickelCade's. They loved it. I did not. Scummy. Dirty. But whatever.

Went back to our house that night and had the little BBQ.

Few days later was my boy's 32nd birthday!! Gosh it feels like it was so long ago, I have kinda forgotten what we even did. Oh yeah, his actual birthday was on a Monday and every single one of them had soccer. Thiago, Carson and Linc. So we knew much celebrating wouldn't be happening that day. So we had dinner and cake and icecream the Sunday before.

Love him so much....

Asked him what he wanted for his dinner...his response was lame. Steak! The guy loves a good steak, me...not so much. Take it or leave it. But it didn't surprise me one bit that he chose that. And I know three little boys that were super happy about it as well. Taking after their dad in that catagory. Definitely carnivores. I am the odd man out on that one. Also did a baked potato bar and corn on the cob.

And randomly enough...banana bread and muffins. Had brown bananas and it was right then or never. So I figured he could eat them the next morning for breakfast on his actual birthday. He loves those muffins. I sprinkle brown sugar on the top of mine. Gives em an extra little touch of wonderful.

Birthday boy....grilling his own dinner. You wouldn't want me doing that. Burn the crap out of em.

His dessert...I put great thought into this. Searched all my favorite food blogs for like 2 hours, narrowed it down to three desserts I thought he would love. The first was a homemade chocolate brownie with homemade strawberry sauce and icecream. Second, was a caramel brown butter cake, and third was homemade tres leches cupcakes. If you know him you know tres leches is his absolute favorite dessert. The one dessert that tempts him always. So I kinda knew that is what he was gonna pick....and yep, he did!

And they were pretty dang fabulous!

And then we had the General Relief Society Broadcast the week before General Confrence. Nowadays, the broadcast can be watched from your own homes. But there is just something about getting all dressed up, and gathering in the stake center with all the sisters in your stake and watching it together. Then we always make a night out of it, me and my mom and sisters and we go to dinner together afterwards. I look forward to this night every 6 months. Such an uplifting night. And Olive Garden. Can't complain about that.

A just because Sunday picture before church....they are cute.

And another picture of me and Elle Belle later that Sunday at my moms. First meal we have eaten inside for the past few months. My moms roast and mashed potatoes and gravy and homemade rolls and creamed corn and peach cobbler.

Let the cozy, comfy months begin....favorite time of year coming right up!

Back to School Boys

2014-09-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

So I have hinted around on here about the upcoming school year. I had to make some major decisions for my boys involving their school. And to say it stressed me out would be a serious understatement. It consumed me guys. For months and months. Agonizing over what was best. Let me give you the background. Our boundaries put us with Clinton Elementary. I loved it when we first moved in, Carson's first two years in the school were wonderful. I had heard quite a few stories from parents complaining about this or that and quickly realized that this school had a bit of a reputaion. I had no reason to think this, we were happy and fine but appearantly alot of people were not. A brand new charter school opened up right by Clinton the year Carson was supposed to start second. I kid you not, our entire neighborhood and ward pulled out of Clinton and tried to get into the charter. In fact a good chunk of the faculty at the Charter consisted of ladies in my very own ward. At the last minute I threw Carson's name in the lottery. However I could never get a good feeling about it. I had heard a lot of negative about charters and just didn't really think it was a good fit for our family. Another big reason I didn't want to was out of loyalty to a school that had always been good to my boy. I didn't want to jump on the bandwagon and do something just cause everyone else was. 2 days before Carson was supposed to start second grade the Charter School called. He got in. I declined. Couldn't get a good feeling. So I sent him off to Clinton. Clinton lost about 1/5 of its kids that year due to the new charter. I hate to say it but it was most of the good kids. The ones who come from families like ours. Good, strong families. And because of that Clinton had to let go of about 7 teachers. All the bright, new, young teachers. The ones most parents were hoping to get. It was the worst thing that could have happened to an already struggling school. The morale was just shot. A dark cloud seemed to hang over the school. And the worst part was they got rid of the only decent Kindergarten teacher. Not even kidding you guys, the two that were left were the worse of two evils. Horrible teachers. Horrible. I don't consider myself to be an overly dramatic parent, I know kids aren't gonna love every teacher they get but they're was no way in hell my Linc was going to either of those teachers. They have case after case of them being belittling and mentally abusive to the children. I honestly don't know how they are still teaching. So I knew Carson was safe for second, but I knew I had a big decision to make for the upcoming year. When Carson was in third and Linc in Kinder.

All year I struggled with what to do. The Charter seemed out of the question. Still couldn't get a good feeling, not to mention I had already declined it. So it left me two options. Get variances for both my boys. Or keep Carson at Clinton and get a variance for just Linc for just Kinder, and then bring him back to Clinton when he reaches first grade. My struggle was this...Carson 100% loved his school. I can honestly say he thrived there. I had fought each year to get him placed with the best teachers. He was smart. Above the curve. He is truly a teachers dream, just an all around good, good kid. I truly didn't worry about him. If it was just him, I probably would have just stayed. But my Lincoln. He's different. He has the most tender heart. And he is such a complex kid, a bad teacher or school could ruin him. And seperating them was never an option. And I hate to say this but the kids left at the school just weren't what I wanted for my boys. I would look around Carson's class and it looked like maybe 2 of them had had a shower that morning. I just didn't want my boys to be the one raising the bar, ya know. Just wanted a better environment for them. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and finally got the answer to move the two of them. There are 2 schools, relatively close to us. And both have wonderful reputations. So back in March I gathered the variance requests and put my boys names in for both schools. And then began the long wait.....they don't inform you until August whether or not you got in.

Finally 2 weeks before school was to start, we heard back from West Clinton. They both got in!! To say I was relieved doesn't even begun to describe it. We were ecstatic. And the best part is my sister got her two kids in as well. Even better, Linc and Elle got the same teacher, both AM.

But my anxiety was not yet over. I knew Linc had this. His cute new teacher seemed amazing, plus he had Elle. Plus its Kinder. All the kids go in not knowing each other and being a little nervous. I knew he would be fine. But this boy...my Cars. I was so nervous for him. He's a dang tough kid, and oh my heck is he likable. I knew in the end he would be just fine but I also know how hard it can be to be the "new kid". And sure enough those first couple of weeks were hard. For both of us. He tried his best to put on a brave face and be optimistic but I know my boy. He wasn't himself. He was quiet and withdrawn. He would get home and be his happy little self but every morning before school, I could barely get him to talk to me. He would give me this sad little fake smile, and say he was just tired. I had this huge pitt in my stomach, knowing it was more than that. Finally one morning about 8 days into the year, as I was walking him in. He clung tighter and tighter to my hand, I looked down and saw tears filling his eyes. I walked Linc to his class and decided right then and there me and my oldest needed a little breakfast date. So we left the school and drove to good ol' mcdonalds and had a little heart to heart. My sweet boy. He just cried and clung to me. And of course being the wimpy mom I am, I cried right along with him. He reassured me that no one was being mean. He loves his teacher. Likes all the kids. Everyone is really nice. He just felt so alone. He misses all his old friends. Didn't know what to do at recess. Just felt really lonely and nervous all the time. Now all you moms out there, you know what that feels like. Like someone just kicked me in the gutt. Pretty much breaks your heart. I did my best to say what needed to be said in the moment. I told him how much I loved him. How likeable he is, all the amazing qualities he has that instantly draws people in. I told him I believed with all my heart that he would make new friends. Told him that it just takes time. Shared experiences of my own life where I have felt the same way. Told him how proud I was that he was there trying every single day to do something so hard. By the time it came to pick up Linc, he was feeling ready to go back. He forced a smile on his little face, and said "ok, I can do it". And off he went, just a few hours later. And slowly but surely my boy is coming around. The light is back in his eyes. He comes home every day telling me about new friends and new experiences and has even claimed that he "just loves third grade". Guys, I can't tell ya how relieved I am. I had a dear friend remind me , that if the decision was right when you first prayed about it, its still right. Even when the pressure mounts, and things feel hard. Ride the course, have faith and see the beauty that is waiting to unfold. It was a life lesson for me and for him. Teaching him that he can do hard things, that he is strong and capable and can come in to his own. Teaching me to never doubt what I knew to be right. Have faith and trust in the answers to my prayers, even when it feels as if I am questioning them.

My Lincoln boy. Only one out of my three, that I can honestly say hasn't even skipped a beat. He loves school. Loves his class. Loves his little friends. Wakes up every day with a little pep in his step. Heck the kid even loves homework, begs to do it the minute he gets home!

Couple days into the new year, and Drake bug had his back to school night. Oh friends. My Drakey. I just had no idea what to expect. This is the kid that hasn't made it through nursery a day in his life. He cries so hard he hyperventilates. Honestly the only people I have ever left him with is my mom, my mother in law and Ashley. Thats it. So I was pretty worried about him.

Weirdly enough, he was super excited. All day long he waited to go meet "Miss Missie". He was so mad that we had to go to the grocery store, and then run to the mall, and then to pick up Cars and Linc. All he wanted to do was just go "see miss Missie".

Got in there and he was such a little goofball. First he wouldn't talk to anyone, scowled at the other kids. Finally said a few words to Miss Missie but it was in this loud, robot-like voice. And then we were outta there. And then he got home with his little treat bag and folder and he talked non stop to his brothers about how much fun he had. It was bizarre.

Just a cute pic I snapped of these two one morning. Kinda think its adorable watching them run side by side into their school. Grateful everyday they have each other.

Then came Drake's first day. Shocked the crap out of me. He was so excited all morning long. Linc is morning Kinder, so we pick him up, have a quick lunch and then go and take Drake for afternoon preschool. Drake had jumped in the bathtub and then carried his back pack around all morning waiting to go to school. I kept thinking he must just not understand that I am leaving him there, otherwise he surely wouldn't be so excited. Well we got there, they had playdough layed out for all the preschoolers. He saw that and that was it. Looked right at me, said "bye mom". And sat down and started playing. I stood there in shock and finally was like well I guess I'll leave. Picked him up and he was full of stories. By far the most talkative out of all of them. He happily told me every last detail of his day. The next day went down the exact same way. But then things took a turn. Not really sure why. But the past three times he has whined and even cried when I drop him off. Maybe I am being kinda mean, but I honestly don't have much patience for it. Cause preschool is nothing but happy. His teacher is amazing. She is so dang kind and sweet and loving. And basically he gets to go and sing songs, and eat treats, and color soooooo I am kinda like "suck it up drake". His teacher says he only fusses for the first 5 minutes and then he is happy as can be. And by the time I come back for him he is all smiles again. So I don't know. I hope he just figures it out in the next couple weeks. We shall see....

All in all this new school year has kinda rocked my world. For some many dang reasons. The stress of the new school. Lincoln entering Kinder. Not to mention my baby being in school now too. Its been a little emotional for me, sending my last little one out into the world for a short time. Feel like I have hit this parenting milestone, where all my kids are officially "big kids". Its been weird, and I'm not gonna lie I am still adjusting. Not to mention, between having three kids all on three very different school schedules. Basically feels like all I do is drive around picking up kids and dropping kids off. We are still very much trying to adjust, but I like to think we are all getting there.....

End of Summer

2014-09-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

End of August sucked big time. Had all these last minute, soak up end of summer plans and then it decided to have crap weather the entire last two weeks. Seriously, overcast cool days with huge thunder and rain storms. Really bummed me out. Felt like fall came early which in September would have been kinda fun but not August, not the last two weeks of no school. It was so depressing. Everytime I complained, Thiago would quickly remind me that we are in a drought, and we should be thankful for the rain. And I was like "shut the heck up", its ruining my fun night. Nice attitude.

Mid August we shared a little double date with the Phongsavaths. One of my funnest nights EVER. I have always wanted to go to an outdoor concert up at Deer Valley in Park City. Thiago found out "Five for Fighting" was coming and got the four of us tickets. I loooove "Five for Fighting". You know, the "100 years" song and "Chances". Anywho, we went out for sushi first and then headed up to Park City. Only problem was as the night went on and the sun went down I was freezing. Freezing. Should have know. Park City is always cooler. Me and Ash each got our first hot chocolate of the season and that was pretty spectacular!

Dinners at my moms in the summertime. Pure bliss for me. One of those moments that feels like you are living the summer dream. I love my moms house. Its warm and cozy and inviting in the cooler months. And vibrant, and colorful, and relaxing in the summer months. Just a happy place to be.

Surrounded by family, sneaking my moms warm rolls before we eat, my hubby at the grill and the smell of BBQ in the air, my moms beautiful porch and the sound of the kids laughing and running and playing. My happy place.

And singing "Happy Birthday" to Papa Deano!!!

A week before school started I took the boys swimming one last time. I love our swim day dates. They make me soo happy. We have had so many good ones this summer.

My favorite time of day at swimming is that golden hour. The kids seem to come alive. The pool dies down, people have started to call it day. The crowds thin, and the lazy warm sun feels so good against your skin. I think about that moment in the cold dark days of winter, the way the sun feels against you. Oh, nothing better.

Had big plans to hit the Box Elder County Fair, like we always do. My dad's family is all from Tremonton and we hit this fair every single year. Like since I was a baby.

Thiago couldn't come...to much soccer crap going on. So I got me and the boys in our autumn finest and headed out.

We got there, usual tons of people. Kids buzzing with excitement. We all split up to start getting food. My mom and Ash headed for the street tacos, dutch oven and gyros, while I stood in line for the kids hotdogs and hamburgers. And then all the sudden I noticed how dark the clouds were getting, and the wind got nasty. All day they had said 15% chance of rain, but nothing had happened. But wouldn't you know it, the minute I get all the hamburgers it started to pour. Not a little. I'm talking, thunder, lightning, full on down pour. It sucked. We all met at one of the little covered food tents and seriously huddled underneath for like 45 minutes. It was so bad we didn't even dare make a run for our cars. We just sat there. And then as quickly as it started. It stopped. Major decrease in temprature. It was freezing and wet. But my heck we drove over an hour to get there, the kids had been so excited, so we did what any good parent would do. We toughed it out. And the kids had an absolute blast. They didn't notice the mud, or the wet rides, or the slight drizzle that started up every now and then. Not at all. And in the end I got my piece of cherry pie. So it ended on a good note.

Our little family finally made it to the Ogden Temple's Open House. I'm sure most all Utahn's know the temple has been under renovation for the past couple of years. Getting a little facelift! Finally, it is finished and we have our temple back. They did an amazing job! It is so, so very beautiful.

Even though it again poured rain, it was a really special experience for me. So neat to walk through and explain some of those sacred rooms to my boys. In a very simple way of course. And to still keep the temple holy and all. But it was so neat for me to see their expressions as they walked through the different rooms. I knew they would love it and they did. Can't wait to be there someday with all my boys.

Made me for super grateful for my little forever family.

On the last Sunday before school started we had our last family reunion. I mentioned on my Instagram that Thiago is always such a good sport at all my reunions. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that they are on Sundays and he gets out of church. He is so like a teenage kid, always whining that church is too long. Naughty little kitten.

They did a little water balloon toss. Things started out so well with Linc. He was seriously one of the last little kids in there. Thiago did it with them and they were catching every single one. Then Thiago threw it a little hard, Linc still caught it but the impact made it pop in Lincoln's hands. Oh boy!! Fits were thrown. He was pissed for the remainder of the time. Oh that boy.

Later that night, we went over to Cano's. Thiago was nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge. The boys got the hugest kick out of watching him do it. It was hilarious.

I was recording it with Thiago's phone so we told Cars to get a picture. After he took the picture of Thiago, he turned the camera on me. I couldn't help but play along.

And that brings us up til September. Next up...back to school.

Lagoon Day!

2014-09-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

Annual Lagoon Day a couple weeks ago. We go once a year, which for me is plenty. I love Lagoon. I have the greatest time. But once you've gone, you've gone. Not something I can do on repeat.

We always go with my mom and my sisters and their families. Funner riding those rides with little cousins. We pretty much made a day out of it. Got there around 11:00 am and stayed til closing which was about 10:00 pm. Fun day spent as a family. Kinda missing summertime. Big time. Something going on weekly if not multiple times a week. We got together with family so much and planned so many activities. Now that school has gotten going our schedule has gotten a little more routine and not quite as exciting. Oh well. Nice to get back in the swing of things. Well thats it for that. More pictures this time. Self expanatory. I'll be back with more.

Heartache...yet again.

2014-08-29T16:40:00.001-07:00

Oh my friends. It happened again. As much as I would like to skip by this sad little post, it must be documented. This summer was one of the most perfect summers for me. Started out so beautifully. And honestly in the end, I still look back on it as one of my favorites. I just enjoyed the heck out of my little boys. As much as I hate them growing older, I gotta admit they are a blast to hang out with. We had a good time together, the end of July once again brought heartache to our little family.

Found out I was expecting right before we were supposed to leave for Island Park. The part that kills me is I instantly had a good feeling about it. I don't know why. I still can't answer that. But my heart felt peace. A little worry, cause come on....its me after all. But for the most part I felt good about it. Had a perfect first month. A beautiful 5 weeks where I carried this little secret. My husband and our immediate family. And my boys. I don't keep it from them. I had such a good strong feeling I told them immediatly. My sweet Lincoln. He is just waiting and begging for a baby.

It all went so smoothly. No spotting. No bleeding. All the usual symptoms. We even joked I was starting to show. I was counting down to that first ultrasound. I always lose them between weeks 5-6. So I was just praying, if I could make it to that first appointment. And I did. As the days ticked by, my heart felt a little more safe. A little more anticipation. Lincoln would ask me daily, how many days til we see our baby. He was always touching my belly, talking to it. Asking how many more months til March.

The day of my appointment came. All the sudden I was filled with dread. I don't know why. I kept saying what if I go and there is no heartbeat. My family all said "hush, that won't happen". I tried to tell myself they were right. I was just scared. But this yucky feeling wouldn't go away. I kept thinking I just need to get there, need to see the heartbeat, and then all this anxiety will lessen. At the last minute Thiago thought it might be fun to take just Lincoln. Just because he was so excited, make it special for him. I will forever, for all my days regret that decision.

We got to the appointment. I was 8 weeks. 2 days. The farthest I have ever miscarried is 7 weeks, 5 days. There was a wait. She was out delivering a baby and they said about 45 minutes. Longest 45 minutes. Linc was going crazy, saying how much longer til we can see the baby. I did my bloodwork. I peed in the cup. I did my blood pressure. And we waited. Finally, my Dr arrived. We chatted about things, any spotting, how was I feeling. Calculated how far along we thought I was. And then the ultrasound. I held my breath as she turned it on. Lincoln practically right in front of the screen he was so excited. Thiago's nervous smile. And then I looked at the screen. And I knew. I have seen enough ultrasounds to know what I am looking for. There was the gestational sac, the fetal pole, the yoke. No heartbeat. My doctor grew serious, moved it around trying to get a better understanding. Baby was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. She thought maybe I miscalculated and it was too early for a heartbeat. I knew I hadn't miscalculated by 2 1/2 weeks. The baby was gone. Stopped developing 2 weeks ago and I had carried it all that time not knowing. Oh you guys, my heart fell. I tried so hard to not cry in front of Lincoln. He sat there not understanding. Looking from me to Thiago to the Dr. The expression on his face will forever haunt my memories. I'll never forget it. I didn't cry. I made it the whole ride home. We picked up our other boys. Dr gave me instructions to come back over the next couple days, we would do blood draws and see if my HCG levels were dropping. Do a repeat scan just to make certain. My heart was certain. It knew. We got home, my boys scattered off to their toys and such. I walked into my bedroom. And then those poor tears couldn't hold back any longer. I know I said it before, but I'll say it again. Unless you've walked that path, been in those shoes you'll never undstand the pain. How deep it hurts. I've experienced hard things, I've had my trials and troubles but nothing has hurt me as deeply as this has. I don't think their is as hurt as deep, as raw, as all consuming as the pain you experience when it comes to a life you created. Whether that child is living or not. Whether its your first miscarriage or your fourth. Whether you have other living children or not. Knowing you created a life, and that you then lost that life. Its the flesh of your flesh, your own blood that would have flowed through those veins, a piece of your soul. Gone. Beyond your control. Beyond your understanding.

This time the hurt cut deeper. In all honesty friends, its not just the loss of a baby anymore. To me, its the loss of a dream. Being pushed farther and farther from my reach. Its such a hard thing to swallow. To comprehend. 7 pregnancies. My body has created life 7 times. Yet I only have 3 living. 3. My losses are now outweighing my births. You can't tell me thats chance. Not anymore. More to it than that. I am starting to think I may never know why or what. Why this keeps happening to me. What is it my body is doing to harm them. I don't know. Doctors don't know.

They sent me to a specialist. An infertility specialist. We met him with him. Here's the thing. Yeah I've had 4. But they are scattered. I have had 3 kids. I don't fit the phrase "recurrent miscarriage". Like at all. There are tests they can run. They are expensive. Insurance doesn't cover most fertility. And chances are they will most likely come back negative. Its a guessing game. Alot of them are thrown off because I've had kids. Nothing obvious pans out. Not my thyroid. I already take the low dose aspirin for blood clotting. Some of the other tests there isn't even a solution for them, just for the sake of knowing.

If this was my first baby, or even my second....I would do whatever it took. But I have a family. I have three boys. I lead a full and happy and blessed, so blessed life with what I have right in front of me. I know myself, if I throw myself into testing and money and month after month of counting and waiting, it will consume me. It will rule my life. I don't know if I can do it. If I want to do it. I want to go back to living. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want it to always be there in my mind. Consuming. I want to live my life to the fullest. Give my all to my three boys and my husband. I can't go through all of this, in the end to have no guarantees. I haven't made up my mind for sure but my heart tells me I have to let go.

I won't prevent a pregnancy. Not yet anyways. My doctors keep saying, if I've done it before, I could still do it again. I just can't go to extreme measures to make it happen. I just can't. Like I say, I have a family. And its them I need to think about. I know that I can't put myself and them through all that it would require. So I'll keep trying. On my own. And we'll see. But quite honestly I am starting to wrap my brain around the idea, that it might just be the three of them. And ya know what, thats ok. I'm ok with that.

Its the hardest thing, to feel like your family isn't done, but to have it so completely out of your control. Its one thing to decide as a couple that you are done, your family is complete. But it is so much harder to have that decided for you. It tears my poor little heart up, aching for the chance to do it just once more. That ache may never go away. The heart wants what it wants. But I can live. I can be happy. I can be grateful. And I am. I sat in that infertility clinic, next to these young couples who it was appearant they didn't have any children. They called my name, and I stood to get checked in. I pulled out my debit card to pay for my co-pay, and on my card is a picture of my three boys. The clerk looked at it in surprise. And smiled. I know what she was thinking. She was surprised to see I had children. I had to fight back my tears at the thought of them. My boys. My heart hurts for those babies I won't raise, not here in this life. But oh my goodness, I have never in my life felt more grateful to have my three. I've seen, first hand. 4 times now how hard it is to get them here. Why couldn't the other 4 have made it. I wonder. But moreso I ask myself, why was I so blessed that three of them did. I look at them, I can touch them, I can kiss them, I can breathe in their smell, I can watch their little chests rise and fall with every breath they take. And all I can think is how grateful I am to have been given them. That my father in heaven, lent them to me, to raise here in this mortal life. The joy they bring me is indescribable. The fulfillment I feel as my role as their mother. They feel every fiber of my being. They are my heart and soul. My whole life's happiness is wrapped up in them. My heart beats really for just them. I am so grateful I know that love. I know what it is to be a mother. That three little voices call out to me. I can shelter them. I protect them. I advocate for them. I teach them. They are mine. I am theirs. I have never in my life been so grateful for my eternal role as their mother.

To those babies on the other side. My arms ache to hold you. My skin wants so badly to be against your skin. To watch your eyelashes flutter. To feel your tiny form pressed against my chest. To see your little fingers encircle just one of mine. To rub my cheek against the peach fuzz of your hair. To hold you close in the wee hours of the night. Marveling at the miracle that you are. To hear the little squeaks the escape your lips. To see those deep eyes, blinking in wonderment. I wish I could see your tiny little self, snuggled deep in the strong arms of your daddy. To see the look of awe in your brothers eyes. Oh little one. They love you so. My heart hurts, in the deepest way that I can't be with you. It yearns to. You, my little loves, are not forgotten. Every tear that has fallen from my eye has been in your behalf. Know how deeply your mama loves you. How hard she prayed. You are a part of my forever. I may never get the chance to raise you on this side of the veil, but you wait my little ones. We will be together again. My heart belongs to your heart. You are etched inside for all my days. Never forgotten. Always tucked close. So deeply loved. Thankyou for the impact you have made on me. You have made me stronger. You have shaped me. You have humbled me. You have bettered me. It is you I long to greet eternity for. I know you are there. You are waiting for me. For your dad. For your three brothers. I will get back to you. Heaven feels so beautiful knowing you are there. Some ties can never be broken, never severed. The veil feels so thin to me when it comes to you. A mothers love never dies. It lives on and on. And I hope you can feel it around you. That it encircles you. That you know I am there, even though the space between us is distant. I like to think we are closer than we realize. I love you my sweet heavenly angels, I carry you with me for all my days. Forever and always.

Summer Shenaningans....part two!

2014-08-22T14:17:00.002-07:00

Our fun continues...

Headed to Cherry Hill with the whole family one day in July. Actually thinking back it was Pioneer Day.

Love that little Gran always comes with. She just sits poolside. Helping out with little ones. Holding sleeping babies. Chit chatting as we take little breaks. She is the kinda gal you just truly enjoy her company. Everytime I hear she is coming, I feel a little happier!!

These two crack me up. Would you believe they are only 9 months apart. Crazy huh. Our little K is a tall drink of water. And we all know my kiddos are a little on the short side. But its true. She was born in April of 2010, and Drake was January of 2011. So technically they are almost the same age. She is just alot taller. They get along so so so well though. All the older kids take off. Even Elle. She prefers the big boys. Pals around with Linc, and Cars, and Lance and Luke and Brev. And then these two always pal up. Where one is, you will always find the other. So stinking cute. Oh and they love to hold hands. Always holding each others hands. Cracks us up!

These guys spent all their time on the big rapid tube slide. Crazy the change a few years can bring. Used to spend all my time at the baby/pirate wading pool. Now I hang out there still with Drake while my big boys have moved on to bigger and better. I won't even pretend it doesn't make me sad. You would think I would enjoy my new found freedom. But no, I pine away for those tiny little toddlers that demanded so much out of me. Miss those lil babies so much.

I always enjoy a nice lunch break. Sun and swimming makes me HUNGRY. I swear I could eat all day at the pool. And between my mom and me and my sisters we put one hell of a lunch together. No other way to say it. So so so good. We all bring our own sandwiches. Then I brought a homemade tortellini salad. My mom did chips and veggies and dip. Ash fruit. Jen homemade peanut butter rice krispies. And tons of snacks! Tasted so good!

I got to say...that lazy river. Hands down my favorite. Near the end of the day, almost golden hour, we floated that thing over and over. Drakey bug was soo dang tired and he just laid there on top of me for a good hour. Barely moving, all snuggled in. Around and around we went. Eventually everyone else left us to go hit the slides one more time. But me and my baby stayed put. And eventually he closed those sweet little eyes and was sound asleep. Bliss I tell you. Pure bliss.

It was just a really good day. I love those kind of days. Where the only thing that matters to me is them. Being present for them. There is no to do list. No laundry, no groceries, no cleaning. Just them. My hubby and our three boys. I feel like sweet days like that are what bouy you up for the not so sweet days. You store them away in your mind, in your memory and you pull em back out when you need a little pick me up. From Linc's triumphant smile as he mastered the big slide on his own. The way Drake tucks his little body into mine as we go down the slides, you know how you can just feel the way their whole litle self is so trusting of you. Knowing they are safe in your arms. The way Thiago takes turns taking all kids down the big slides, not just our own boys, but all my nieces and nephews as well. He's the guy to go with. The sweet smell of chorine and sunscreen as I kiss the tops of their little heads. Their rosy cheeks that always accentuate the freckles that run across Linc's nose. It was all just so good. Tucking their tired but happy little selves in to bed that night, knowing we just created a beautiful day for them.

Moving on to a happy little Sunday, escorted to church by my handsome lil men.

Bought sparklers, like a ton of them, at the beginning of the summer. Kept forgetting I had them. Finally pulled em out that night for the boys to do. Ash had a ton too, so the Phongsavaths came over and joined us.

Little pyro's...they get it from their dad. He's a big pyro.

Speaking of dads...me and my dad. He got a new job and has been out of town for the past 6 weeks. They gave him a break half way through, he could fly home for the weekend and then had to be back in Arizona for the final 3 weeks. He was missing us like crazy, and we missed him too! Had a little family BBQ at the park that Saturday night. Felt so good to get a big hug from him. Once again I fell upon a little rough patch the end of July. More on that later...keeping this post happy and upbeat. But I was so glad to have him home and get his hug. Missed him. And he is finally home for good...tonight!

Little monkey butts did another session of swim lessons. They are getting so good. So proud of em. They are turning into quite the little swimmers. Best 45 minutes of my day. Love to watch em.

Probably should have signed Drake up this year too. But I didn't. Cause within 2 weeks time, I paid out $100 for baseball. $125 to sign both my big boys up for soccer. Another $50.00 for a three day soccer camp for Linc. And then $80.00 for the two of them to do swim lessons. So I had a moment of cheapness and decided Drake could wait til next year to start. Cheap little me.

Once a summer we try to go to the Drive-In with the boys. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles seemed like the perfect movie for that.

Not the greatest movie. I thought. But for a bunch of ninja turles loving little boys it was perfect. They had the best time piled up in Souli's truck. Air matress, pillows, blankets, candy, popcorn, each other!

I joked that night to Thiago....many years ago. Back in the highschool days, we "watched" movies at the Drive-In a whole lot differently. Not much watching involved. Haha. I know we aren't the only ones that can say that.....good ol' drive-ins!

Sweet Gran celebrated another birthday! We all headed up one weekday afternoon for a little lunch date.

These two....oohh, they are cute!! Aren't they. Hope I age the way the two of them have. Beauties!

It was a really pleasant little afternoon. Picked up Mcdonalds for the kids, Apple Spice cafe for us moms/grandmas and headed to Willow Park in Logan. Seriously the best little park I have ever been too. So green and so many big wonderful trees. So clean and happy. It was perfect!

And last but not least....Carson's fall soccer season has started. He is just doing rec with our city, and Linc is still playing for LaRoca. So they are going to be on completely different schedules. He is so dang excited. A large part of that is due to the bright new green cleats he picked out for himself. He thinks the are pretty outstanding!!

Thats it for now....still more to come!

Summer Shenaningans...Part one

2014-08-16T13:36:00.002-07:00

Oh my holy crap...I'm soooo behind. Here comes the first of our summer fun. I got about 3 more of these to come. But I got too tired last night, loading up the pictures. So we'll start with this.

Way back before the cabin, we are talking end of June. We went to the annual Williams family reunion in Malad, Idaho.

My cute little cousin has some pet racoons. Makes me laugh. She loves em so much. She brought em with and ohhhh Lincoln. Small animals and babies. Lincoln is so obssessed. I feel bad for them actually, poor Lincoln gets such crazy urges for small things. Poor Boston and Caroline see him coming and its like you can see them cringe. And then there is poor George, the Cano's little puppy, he sees Lincoln and immediatly turns and trys to run away. Loves a little too much.

The babies may not love Linc but they sure love Theo. All them little neices and nephews. He's pretty much the favorite uncle.

Quick stop at the cemetary on the way home from the reunion. Say hello to Grandma.

If you didn't know...it's zuchinni season. Made at least 3 batches of the chocolate chip muffins already and 2 batches of zuchinni bread. We're addicted.

Been a great summer of swimming. We have gone so many times. My boys are at the funnest ages. It's weird cause I am not used to how easy they are. They are all getting older, and they always have each other. The three of them are always together, doing their thing and I am always kinda like "wait, come back....what about me".

At least baby Boston still likes me....well at least when his mom isn't around.

Sweet Drakey bug and grandma. We were at Ashley's house for a little birthday celebration for Souli. That sweet little grandma is the only one that would stand there and push him for a half hour straight. Must have been that precious smile. How can she resist.

Linc finished up his first year of T-ball. I don't mean to brag...well actually I do. This kid. Is awesome. Sports and him are dang fun! Carson bless his little heart, he loves it all and is such a good sport. Loves to try new things, and always plays with his whole heart. But he's tiny, he's unaggressive, he's a social butterfly. And he lacks the natural ability. But oh this Lincoln boy. Every ball he touches seems to do what it was made to do. He has so much natural skill and his personality just adds to it. He is so feisty, so competive, so aggressive and he just shines out there. Seriously I love watching him. We are starting him in comp soccer next year. He plays with a little team of boys, they have for 3 years now played rec. They are all soooo good. Next year they will play comp and play a year up. I seriously can't wait to watch him. Could never figure out how parents could pay for their kids to play for these clubs, but now that I see how much he loves it and how seriously talented he is at it....well its a whole other story. I'll figure out how to pay just so he can enjoy it!

Had a little park get together with my family. Made this funny little treat. Can't even remember what they were called. Some kind of golden oreo birthday cake truffle. So delicious. So rich.

We met at the park later that night, so earlier in the day I got some yard work done. Thought it would be fun for the kids if I put the sprinkler under the tramp. And I was right!

Love a good park date....especially with KFC!

My favorite kinds of summer nights. Kids running around and playing. Sitting on the blanket with my mom and sisters and hubbies. All kinds of yummy food and drinks.

Also had a little get together will Thiago's friends and all their sweet wives. We did a little BBQ at our house. With all our cute lil kiddos. 11 kids all together. And we all had so much fun!

The kids all played so cute together. The bigger boys all played with Linc and Cars. And Drake had so much fun with Olivia and Mckenna and Kade and Kason. Jumping on the tramp. The swingset. Running around with lightsabres. Licking all the frosting off the cupcakes. It was a really good night.

And last but not least...Maria's birthday celebration!!!

Lots more to come!

Island Park....the last of it!

2014-07-24T06:57:00.001-07:00

Feel so happy for these lil cousins. Nothing quite like growing up with your cousins. I think that is why this vacation is so special to me. These are the cousins I grew up with. And now to see them all grown, and yet we still share those special relationships and now to see that being passed on to our kids. I love it. Something special about a cousin.

This day was the fourth of July! Wore our red, white and blue.

First half of the day started out being just me and the boys. No dad. Brazil was playing in the world cup this day and there was no way Thiago wasn't watching it. So him and Souli found some little sports bar type place to go and watch the game that afternoon.

So me and the boys split up and piled into other family members cars so we didn't have to drive. Our first stop was this little antique show. Lots of different vendors with antiques. My aunts love that kinda thing. And we all actually found a few items. It was dusty and dirty though. It was all just set up outside in this like open field thing. We all had on sandals and flip flops. My boys' feet were like black by the end of it.

My uncle thought we could drive down to Ashton, which is the nearest kinda big town. They were having little small town festivities, including a car show. Turns out it was kinda a let down. About a 40 minute drive for literally nothing. Car show was almost over and the town square did not have a whole lot happening.

Stayed long enough to let the kids jump in the bounce houses and eat a big bag of kettle korn, and then we left. Oh well. Who knew it would be so lame. Hard to know when you are planning stuff. We just kinda winged it. Next year we will know. Don't go to Ashton on the fourth.

Did stop at a yummy little diner. Gotta love chicken strips, grilled cheese and hamburgers and fries. It felt very American!

Couple years ago my uncle bought some property up there. The plan is to someday build a cabin of his own for us all to go up to. Kinda a pricey little project though. So for now we just have the property. We like to stop and look at it each year. Dream about what could be...

And take some pretty pics!

We then drove up to Mesa Falls. I think we have been once before a few years ago. I love to see those falls though. So pretty. And a little terrifying. Thiago still wasn't with us so I was kinda nervous keeping track of all my three by myself. Some times big family events are hard, cause the kids will run ahead with other kids or aunts and uncles, and they all kinda get lost in the shuffle. I always try to make sure my three are with me all the time, that way we aren't scrambling saying "oh I thought so and so had them". Especially at a place like this. Shudder.

Pretty. Oh so pretty.

Went back to the cabin and sat around for a bit. Met up with Thiago finally. Had a yummy dinner and then headed into West for the firework show. My all time favorite way to watch fireworks. All of these cars lined up against the roads. All the backs together. Tons of family. Glow sticks. Swatting at mosquitos left and right. Snuggling babies in blankets, and the big kids running around laughing and yelling. And then you hear that first "Boom". And the kids all scream. And the dark night sky comes alive in a world of color. The smoke thick in the air. Nothing like it.

Next day, last full day we were there. We had talked about going into Jackson Hole this day. I still kinda wish we had. I got a thing for that little town. Will always hold a special place in my heart. So many memories for me there. But its kind of a long drive (although its the most beautiful drive ever) and eventually I was out voted. Which turned out just fine. We still had a really great day.

Little cabin up the road from ours. Every morning on my run, I would think to myself how cute a picture would be in front of that. Found myself ready early this morning and thought "heck, lets take my boys pics in front of that". Too bad the sun was full on and the lighting sucked. Oh well. Still kinda cute!

These dorks. Thiago was so happy Souli was able to come the whole time. Usually he can only do partial days cause of his crazy schedule but this time he was there for the whole thing. Little BFF's. Sharing a coke and everything!

We headed into West Yellowstone to go see the grizzly and wolf discovery center. Its kinda like a zoo filled with bears and wolves. My boys loved it.

After a few hours there we headed into town for lunch.

My favorite little diner in West. Called Canyon Street Grille. I loved old fashioned diners. Cutest atmosphere. And seriously good food.

Linc and Drake are total root beer lovers. So I got them a root beer float to share. Sadly this is the first time they had ever had one. Thiago and Carson hate root beer. So its really not something I ever buy. So I never have root beer on hand for root beer floats. Thinking I might have to start though cause these two LOVED it!

Then back out to wander the little shops. Hit the candy store one more time, then headed over to the IMAX to watch the Disney Bears movie. Oh my gosh, it was so cute! Carson and Lincoln loved those little bears so much. It was such a sweet, touching little movie. The boys are dying to own it, so I will have to look into that. It was just a perfectly fun little day.

And then just like that, the 6 days are up and its time to pack up and head home. Always so sad to see it come to an end. But I treasure the memories of that week. And so look forward to next years already. So blessed to be a part of such an amazing family. Not too many families like ours. Love them so so much!

Island Park...first half!

2014-07-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

Our annual Island Park vacation. Best time ever. I was so looking forward to it this year. Knew it was going to be kinda bittersweet though. First year without our Grandma. And if anyplace was her place, it was Island Park and those Tetons. She loved it there so much and was the whole reason we all started going in the first place. Knew it would bring back so many memories. But they were good memories, treasured memories. What better place to feel of her love then to be there all together. I think it was just what we all needed. A sense of healing in a way. To cling together as a family again and to be in that place that meant so much to her.

We left bright and early Tuesday morning. No matter how prepared I think I am for vacation, I always end up being up half the night trying to get us all packed. Moms of young families. Where you pack for your kids....well its a lot of work. Didn't get to bed til almost 2:30 and then woke up at 6:00. I was pretty happy that its kinda a drive to get there, cause I got to nap a little. I was just a bit tired.

Our first stop as a family was the cemetary. Couldn't leave without visiting our angel.

Still waiting on that headstone. Hoping it gets here soon. We all arrived there to find a freshly brought flower arrangment, and attached to it was a little note.

It read:
"To my sweethearts. When today starts without me, promise me one thing. You will remember heaven is closer, at the cabin filled with family. When today starts without me, and I'm not here to see. If the sun should rise and find your eyes, filled with tears for me. I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did that day. While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you. And each time you think of me, I know you miss me too. When today starts without me, don't think we're far apart. For everytime you think of me, I'm right there in your heart. Love you, Grandma. PS..please remember, to buy jelly beans at the store, make sure grandpa has his coffee and nighlight, take a family picture on the dock, enjoy the beautiful Tetons, and most of all remember to make that will last forever!"

Have no idea where the flowers came from, who wrote that note. But holy crap. We were bawling. I think it was just what we needed to hear, perfect begining to our little week as a family.

Then we hit the road, we always stop about an hour out. Somewhere in Idaho at this little small town diner. It is so yummy. Here is me and Drake bug waiting for the rest of the family to get here. We somehow got ahead of everyone. Oh and my little green tupperware filled with S'more bars. I made them the day before and didn't want those precious babies to melt in the hot car. And of course it didn't occur to me to put them in the cooler until the cooler was buried underneath the rest of our stuff. So I packed those lil guys around all day with me. All for the sake of a good S'more bar!

I just love these girls! The best part about this trip is the chance to be with them for 6 straight days! So grateful my mom got the chance to come again. Even though its my dads family, we just love having her with us. We don't really do a vacation with her side and she is constantly going on biking and camping and 4-wheeling trips with Dean's kids but we never get to have any little trips like that. So its so nice to be able to have a little trip where we all can be together.

Biscuits and gravy. I love to order this when we go out to breakfast. Thiago absolutely hates this meal. Anything gravy/stroganoff like, so it is not something I ever make. But I love it.

Then we hit the road again. This picture makes me a little sad. Right smack in the middle of world cup. And if you followed World Cup at all. Well you know how that ended for Brazil. Oh boy. I had one unhappy husband. My goodness, they just fell apart. Thiago was so emabarassed by the way they played this World Cup. They are known for playing beautiful. And boy did they not play beautiful. This particular day is the last game the US got to play. Thiago got this app that could get all the games live on his phone. He propped it up on our dash so I could watch and he could listen. I have a hard time following if I am just listening. I have to see what is happening. So we spent 3 hours in the car, watching this crazy game that went into overtime and poor US lost in the end.

Technically aren't supposed to have as many people as we do in the cabin we rent. We rent the biggest one on the island. But there are 46 of us. So thats alot. The lady we rent it from was coming by when we first arrived to give us a few things, so some of us snuck out so it didn't look like such an overwhelming number. Haha. Sneaky sneaky. So we just took some of the kids down to Henry's Fork. They weren't complaining about that.

They kept jumping from the dock to this little boat that was tied up. But there was a bit of a current and that boat kept floating away. I thought for sure one of them was going to fall in. And Lincoln did. Didn't get too wet, barely hit the bottom of his shorts. Little dork!

Made Theo take this cute lil picture with them. Too pretty of a backdrop. My mom was taking it, and I love her dearly but she is a little camera challenged. Only took her about 20 attempts. We were laughing so hard. Luckily not too many people were around, just this little old couple and I am pretty sure it made their day. They were laughing and clapping and saying "more, more". It was too funny! My poor hubby. He is dang good sport, putting up with me and all my picture shenanigans!

Brothers three!

Next day. Love mornings at the cabin. Most people sleep in a bit. But there is always a little group of us that wake up at 6:30 and go get a lil workout in. Me and my aunt and cousin Kylie are the only die hards. The rest do some mornings, and then ditch out on others. This year Ash went with me every morning too. Not everyone likes to run, so I usually run up and ahead and circle back to the walkers. But oh it really sets my morning off beautifully!! I love it so much. The air is crisp and cool and lovely. The scenery is to die for! And burning all those calories makes me feel a little less guilty for all those treats I eat on vacation. Anywho, we always come back and have a big ol' yummy breakfast and then get ready for the day. Then we wait for my cute uncle who is kinda our lil tour guide to tell us the plans of the day. I seriously love this family so much. It is always just so chill and go with the flow. Nobody fights or puts up a fuss about anything. We all get along so well and just have the best time together! Which I know is kinda rare for families. Feel really lucky!

These two have a funny little friendship. They are only about 10 months apart from each other but you put them side by side, and Katelynn just towers over him. She is so long and tall, and my kids, well....they aren't tall by any means. So it always looks like this older girl playing with a little baby. But in actuality they are about the same. And they get along so dang cute. Always together. Always holding hands. Babbling back and forth. They make me laugh!

Half the places we stop at I have no idea what they are called. All I know is they are beautiful.

Sweet Gramps. Just isn't himself without her. He tried his best to have a good time. But you could see that empty little look in his eyes all the time. Just breaks my heart.

Love this picture of Drakey bug. Already got it printed and hanging on my picture board. Something about the colors, and the light, and his stance. Just love it!

After a little exploring and a few billion pictures, we headed into West Yellowstone. Always start at the Imax. And Grandpa always gets a few buckets of popcorn. Which all the kids spill all over the floor of the IMAX shop. Poor employees.

Each year I let the kids pick out two souveniers. One the first day and one the last day. Well, ok, technically Carson and Linc got two the first day, cause they chose 2 smallish things so I was ok with that. For some reason they wanted these little glass eagles. Now I am sure most parents would say no that is a waste of money on a little glass knick knack, but my weirdo kids get the biggest kick out of crap like this. They really do treasure this kinda stuff.

All the usuals. Including the candy store, the corner store, the Christmas decor store, the book store that sells the amazing sugar cookies. My kids always beg for a snack at the Dairy Queen. Good times.

Next day was the day we floated the river. Always a good time.

Such a pleasant river trip this time. I'm probably boring, but I hate all the water fights. Hate getting wet and cold like that and trying to keep it away from my kids. But we were sooo far ahead of the rest of our families rafts that we were completely out of reach. So just a nice, relaxing float down the river. Lincoln boy fell in at one point. Can't even tell you how. We had alot of the kids in our raft. All my kids, and a few of my sisters, yet my sisters were in a different raft. So Linc was kinda dangling on the end where Thiago was rowing, and next thing we know he was in the water. He had a life jacket, and it was way shallow and Thiago had him out in like 10 seconds. Didn't even phase him. He just kinda laughed and smiled and that was that.

I am always really good at taking pictures the first half of the day, then I kinda get tired of it by the end. So not many pictures of all the fun nights once we get back to the cabin. We would make big dinners, kids run around like the crazies they are, shooting each other with their new bow and arrows. Puzzles, Phase 10, reading, visiting, eating, snuggling cute new baby twins. All that and more.

Hang on for part 2.

His Ninth

2014-07-11T09:35:00.002-07:00

Nine years old. Oh this boy. The boy that made me a mom. Hard to believe we've been playing this out for nine years now. This kid. He is my sun and my moon. A constant source of light in my life. It has been an honor and a privledge raising him these past 9 years. Grateful, so grateful he is mine.

Obligatory birthday pics on my front porch. My boys just know....all big events start with mom demanding pictures. Usually on our front porch. Can't help it, some good lighting right there. Enough natural light, yet shaded so I don't get squinty smiles. Perfect.

Best I could get of the three monsters together. Birthday parties get them a little hyped up and they were acting kinda nutso!

Whats the matter with me. I just truly love hosting a good party. I get the biggest charge out of it. Every year I tell myself I spend too much, I need to tone it down. But I don't. At all. Carson chose baseball as his theme, and it has been my favorite to date. My boy, born just 2 weeks before Independce Day. Baseball and America. Doesn't get much better than that. Had so much fun putting it all together.

Menu was hotdogs. Cause duh. Baseball....hotdogs. Chips, potato salad and a layered salad. Fresh fruit and lime rickies.

Could never do it all without the help of our families. So appreciate their willingness to help with the food and to all come. Makes it such a special night for my birthday boy. Every year I ask them if they would rather a big family party or a friend party. They always choose the family. I think cause they have so many cousins, and honestly their cousins are their best friends. So they get the best of both worlds!

Once again my sister and I outdid ourselves on the cake. When I say my sister and I, I really just mean my sister. I stand there and chit chat with her but she honestly does all the work. I think I sifted the flour and sugar and rinsed off all the dishes and thats about it. She did the rest. Haha. Love my Ash!! I'd be lost without her.

I do have to take credit for the ideas though. And the money. That was all me. The cake I was worried wouldn't make quite enough so I thought we could do some baseball cupcakes too. He wanted chocolate cupcakes, and then we just frosted them to look like baseballs. Then found those cute little patriotic stars to throw on the top. I thought they turned out adorable. And notice the cute little platter I bought for them. Its all in the details....

And the cake...oh the cake. About 6 months ago, my nerdy little boy who absolutely loves to watch "Pioneer Woman" with me, watched her make this cake on one of her episodes. It is called strawberry sparkle cake. Basically a homemade angel food cake with a fun strawberry surprise. Right then and there he demanded that cake for his birthday and he never forgot about it. And it just so happened to fit in perfectly with our red, white and blue baseball theme.

Isn't it darling. Thought the candles were such a cute touch and the big red 9. But wait til you see the inside, that is the fun part!

Our boy. Something about your firstborn. The one who made you parents.

We love him so.

He got lots of fun presents. Everything he was hoping for. Disney Infinity from me and his dad. Plus a few extra characthers from Linc and Drake. An extra controller so that he and Linc can play against each other on play station. A new Batman game. His precious Rainbow Loom from Ash and Jen. A cute storage box and a ton of rubber bands. And a new Cargo truck Lego from my mom.

Ta-da!!! Check out that cake. See where it gets the "strawberry sparkle" from. And oh my goodness it was so yummy. So light and airy and just wonderful. The frosting is nothing but whipping cream and sugar. So its basically just like all homemade strawberry shortcake. One of the best cakes I've ever had. We gobbled it up. Seriously licked that cake stand clean!

It was a great party celebrating our incredible little nine year old. I get really emotional when I think of this boy and his impact on my life. You wonder if these kids know, if they really know how much you as their parents treasure them. Do they know how they have changed your life, how they are your life. How they hold your whole dang heart in their little hands. Do they know they have changed you, bettered you, shaped you into the person you are. They, in their tiny little form, all 6 pounds 6 ounces of him, had the power to change my entire life. Such a tiny little being with such a huge impact. You know they say we were sent to this earth to be tested and tried, to learn, to be humbled. I believe that to be true. I believe most of us came here as little students, waiting to be taught. However, I feel as if there are certain individuals who came here as teachers. Here to show the rest of us the way. That is my Carson. No doubt in my mind, he was sent here to fulfill a powerful purpose. He was saved for these latter days to truly be a shining star to others. To help light the way. He lights my path every single day. He was blessed with innate ability to love. His heart. Oh his heart. Pure goodness. Pure strength. Pure true love of Christ. His spirit shines through. He is a far better person than I fear I will ever become. He truly is one of God's instruments saved for these last days. I am so proud of the little man I am watching him become. He soothes my soul and lightens my life. Grateful every day for that June 21, summer solstice, has always belonged to my golden boy. Happy birthday my love, another trip around the sun. May you have a lifetime of more. How I love you. Thanks for being mine.

Summer so far...

2014-06-28T12:42:00.001-07:00

Got some big posts coming up so I thought I would hurry and get theses two done. Two posts in 2 days...unheard of for me. Don't even think many people are reading this anymore, but I will post away cause this is our little story and I can't give it up. So read through this post, and then keep scrolling for a look at our Father's Day.

Off to a good, happy little start to summer. Why must it go so fast. Already a full month into it. Makes me kinda sad. The boys had been begging Thiago to sleep out on the tramp. Days have been nice but the nights in early June were still a little chilly. Tried to tell them to wait a few more weeks and then they could. They didn't listen. So at first all 4 boys headed out there to sleep. The minute Drake layed his head down, he was done. He wanted to come back in the house with me. Which was just fine. I was more than glad to have his little company. The others lasted til about 3 am then sure enough they all hauled back inside the house. Too cold. Guess I was right.

Went and got some gool ol' Burger Bar one Saturday night. Burgers, fries, onion rings, lime rickies and fry sauce. Perfectly summer. Headed back to our house with the Phongsavaths and ate outside, then we pulled out the fire pit to roast marshmallows and eat S'mores.

Have I menioned Linc has zero patience for roasting marshmallows. Ends in tears everytime. Kinda drives me nuts.

Went up to my grandpas house again one Sunday. Love this little red house. And the tiny babe giving me a kiss right in front of it!

Lance's ninth birthday fell on the ninth of June. 12 days before my Carson's. Hard to believe these first borns of ours are nine years old. Breaks my heart yet watching them grow is pretty dang amazing. Turning into some very fine little young men. Couldn't be prouder of these two. I really do think birth order in families has a huge impact on kids personalities. These two are the perfect older brothers. So responsible, so reliable, so kind, wonderful examples....and truly they are our right arms half the time. I know I couldn't survive without all the help Carson gives me and I know Jen feels the same way about Lance. Just good boys.

Couple weeks ago Thiago and I went to the Lionel Richie concert at USANA. Thiago's dad is the king of winning crap off the radio. I can't even tell you how much stuff he has won. He won these tickets but he and Thiago's mom were going to be gone to Brazil, so they gave them to us. I had a handful of Lionel Richie songs that I love. "Stuck on you". All time favorite. Been on my playlist as long as I can remember. So as dorky as it sounds I was so dang excited for this concert. And it did not dissapoint. I can't remember the last time we had that much fun. It was such a blast. Came home and downloaded seriously all his music, and its all I have been listening to. My boys even love it. Keep asking if we can listen to Lionel. Haha.

This little sweetie pie started his first year of T-ball Rookies. Oh does he love it. I love that he grows up watching his big brother and then when his turn finally rolls around. Oh man. He just thinks he is really something. He was so excited to start. Two of the first practices got cancelled cause of a crazy windstorm, and then pouring rain. He cried and he cried and he yelled. He was so dang pissed. Luckily the weather has been great the past few weeks and no more have been cancelled. He is having such a blast. And I seriously love watching him. He is our athlete. No doubt about it. The kid has skill when it comes to sports. And he is fierce and feisty out there. And so freaking competitive. We are gonna have some fun with this boy.

Cars had his little scout day camp. Left the house about 6:00 am and didn't get home til almost 4. He was dead tired but said it was so much fun.

Day before Carson's birthday we met up with all my sisters and little cousins and went swimming at Roy Aquatic. Had to show you this cute little cover up I found at Target. Anyone else out there think Target has really brought there A game this season. I seriously have found so many cute things there lately. For me and my kids. Some seriously fun stuff!

We had such a fun day. Wasn't good with my camera at the actual pool. Get so nervous being that close to water and all. But we had a great time. Love that Linc and Cars have done so well in their swimming lessons. Makes my life alot easier and like I can actually enjoy myself cause I trust them more in the water. Drake is a full time job. Thinks he is such a big kid and can keep up with his brothers. Someone remind him he is a very tiny baby and needs to stop acting so grownup. Doesn't he know how bad his mama hates that. Sheesh!

Last but not least.....whose got World Cup fever. We do big time. That is Brazilian blood flowing through my babies veins. It is killing my honey to not be in his home country right now watching those games in real life. Pretty much this has been the best month of his life. The game he loves. The country he calls home as the host. He has so much hope in Brasil. Me too. It would be so neat for them to win. My boys have these little Brazilian jersies they wear everytime Brasil plays. Routing for our team.

Thats it for now!

Fathers Day

2014-06-27T10:40:00.001-07:00

Fathers Day. Always hits awfully close to Carson's birthday. I hate to say it, but we have a tendency to overlook it just a tad. I always try and make it special for him, but usually I am distracted by birthday party planning and poor Theo kinda gets the shaft.

I spent my Saturday at work, searching all my favorite recipe blogs for something yummy to make him for breakfast that morning. Narrowed it down to two recipes. First was this sausage/egg breakfast casserole. The second was a sweeter dish, a baked french toast recipe. I was kinda leaning towards the french toast but when I got home I showed Thiago both recipes and he wanted the casserole. So the casserole it was! And oh was it good!!! It called for chopped green chilis, which me and him love! Gave it the best lil kick. My kids don't appreciate them all too much so I left their half with no chilis. We all gobbled it up that morning.

Thiago had told me the night before that all he wanted for Fathers Day was a day off from church. Isn't he terrible. I was teaching that day, so I had to go and then they called and asked Thiago to step in with the young men. So he decided he needed to go as well. So no day off for him, thankfully. I can't handle all three boys by myself in sacrament. Anybody else feel like they just ran a marathon once church lets out. Quite exhausting keeping those boys of mine well behaved the whole three hours.

I'm pretty sure I am the most blessed mama and wife ever. These four! Love em so much.

Got home and told my honey to take a little rest. My poor guy. He is the hardest worker. Wakes up at 5, Mon-Fri to go hit the treadmill. Leaves for work by 6:30. Gets home about 4:30, changes and then heads to soccer 3 nights a week and doesn't get home til 8:00. His schedule exhausts me, and honestly sometimes we just flat out miss him. We get so lonely by the time the weekend comes around. Just so grateful for him though. He works so hard and does so well, all so that I can stay at home and raise our little boys. So grateful for that blessing.

He napped while I made a strawberry shortcake bar recipe to take up to my Grandpas, and the boys worked on a little card for him.

He woke up and I got the boys changed and then we gave him his little gift. Just filled a big bag full of his favorite little treats. Lindt chocolates, and Dove bars, and KitKats and bottled coke. And then we gave him a gift card for a new hat. He lost his favorite one awhile back and has been wanting a new one. I don't dare pick that out on my own though, he is particular when it comes to who he will wear on his head.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. This man was born to play this role. One of my greatest comforts in this life is knowing that he is the father of my little boys. He's a mans man. He's big and strong and sturdy and a little tough. But nothing gets to him the way fatherhood does. I have seen him cry only a handful of times and it all has had to do with our kids. He wears his emotions on his sleeve when it comes to them. Loves deep, with all that he is. His eyes shine and come alive when he looks at them, when he speaks to them. How comforting to know that there is another human being who loves them the way I do. He feels every emotion. I couldn't do this journey with anyone but him. He has shown me what fatherhood is meant to be, what it is supposed to look like. He is and always will be the greatest man I have ever know. We are so blessed to have him.

My greatest hope for these little boys is that they follow in their fathers footsteps. That they look to him and his example throughout every phase of their life. There is no greater being to follow.

He's defintely worth celebrating. Our rock. That holds us all together. The strength and security behind our little family. Feel as if nothing can ever touch us as long as we have him. Which is incredibly naive, but he makes us feel that way. He's our Superman. And we love him so much.

Well this is a ridiculous picture. I look horrid. The wind was blowing, and I am making a stupid face. But its me and my dad....and Ash. So I went ahead and posted it. We headed up to Tremonton to have dinner at my Grandpa's.

Gave him this little car washing kit, which may sound weird. But if you know my dad and his crazy insane anal attitude towards his truck. I kid you not the man cleans it weekly, sometimes twice a week and spends a good 5-6 hours. Its insanity. Seriously.

This fathers day in terms of my dad, was one of the best yet. I know I have mentioned that our relationship hasn't always been perfect. Lots of room to grow and feelings that still need to be sorted out. But I tell ya, I am in the best place I have ever been with him. The effort he is making to get closer to us has seriously blown me away. Funny, how life works. And love. Certain people. No matter what. No matter what roads they travel down, that love never goes away. It gets stronger. You worry and you pray that someday they will figure out what this life is all about. You don't hate them for certain mistakes. You don't hold that over their heads. Even when others say, forget it, why still try. But your heart doesn't know what else to do. Cause you love them and you never give up on them. And then one day they wake up, and they realize what matters most is right in front of them. And you open your arms and heart all the more, cause it was always there and its what you've dreamed of. And you almost love them even more, cause you know all that they have gone through to get to that point. How much pain they have suffered and how hard they are trying to change. And it just makes it all that much sweeter and mean that much more. ANyways, love him so much. Grateful every day that he is my dad. No doubt in my mind heavenly father gave us each other for a reason.

Good day filled with family and lots of appreciation for these special men in our lives.

Sweet grandpa...first Fathers day with out grandma. All the firsts are the hardest. Pray every day that he is hanging in there.

Grateful for this day and for the oppurtunity we have to honor the men in our lives. The fathers, the uncles, the grandpas, the great grandpas. It is a heavy load they carry on their big broad shoulders. So many little lives are so dependent on them. Yet they carry it with such strength and dignity. They light up our lives. Bring a twinkle to our eye. They love and they love big. They sustain us. They carry us through. Fatherhood. Can't help but think of these earthly fathers and the way they must resemble our heavenly father. What a calling. What a privledge. How lucky we are to be loved by them.

Memorial Day!

2014-06-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday before Memorial Day we met up with my Grandpa Williams and my Williams family to drive up to Rupert, Idaho to visit my Grandma's parents graves. Nana and Papa. It is a long old drive, but she would have wanted us too. Would have made her so happy. It was a really pleasant afternoon. Nice drive. My kids were happy and did minimal complaining. My dad drove with us, since we have plenty of room. Rupert is a tiny, pleasant little town. Visited at the cemetary for awhile. Then drove through town, my dad pointing out all the "old spots". Drove by Nana and Papa's old house. Which I remember, clear as day. I remember sitting in her front room, after Nana had died. My mom and aunts and grandma were going through her things. She had collected these tiny little glass salt and pepper shakers. All shaped as different things. Animals, mostly. But there was also food shaped ones. Hot dogs, rootbeer floats, a birthday cake. Me and my sisters and Randy Jo would sit and play for hours with those. Acting them out. Funny little memories.

Anywho, after that we stopped at Wendys and had a late lunch. Then drove back to Grandpa's.

Sat on Grandpas patio, in the old swing that used to hang on Nana's porch. Sipped a pepsi. And missed Grandma. It was a weird day. First time being at their house since the funeral. Felt so weird...and empty. Missed her so badly.

Then drove to Tremonton cemetary for the most important visit that weekend. My grandma's grave. Couldn't stop my tears. Happened to be exactly one month since her passing. A little to fresh, a little to raw still. We should have been at her house, with her in her chair and her dark eyes sparkling. Not at the cemetary. Never has a Memorial Day meant more to me. I have grown up visiting the graves. My mom made sure we always made it to my great grandparents that had passed on. Most of which I had never met. But this is my first taste of it being someone I truly knew and loved. Just brought a whole new meaning to the day.

My uncles and dad got her headstone ordered. They took their time, looking and planning for the perfect one. Its going to be beautiful. Can't wait to see it.

My sweet grandpa. I don't think he is doing well. He is really quiet and reserved. When I ask how he is, his answer is always the same "just terrible". My heart just aches for him. He tries to stay busy, bustling around his yard and house. Tinkering with this and that. But he tells me he always wanders into the house after a few hours. Used to her being there. They would chat, eat lunch and dinner together. Go for a drive. And now its just emptiness. He says nights are the worst. He can't sleep and lays there all night long. Poor little guy. Hope it gets easier for him.

Next day we got up early....went out to breakfast with family.

Ham and cheese omelette, hashbrowns and giant scone. Perfect start to a good day!

After that me and my mom and Ash and Jen had a few hours to kill before we met some of my moms family at the Willard Cemetary. So we ran into Target. About 2 hours later and a couple hundred dollars. Store sucks ya in. We then went to our next stop.

Cemetaries are so peaceful...

Drake bug fell asleep on the drive. Parked him in the shade of a huge tree, rolled the windows down and he had a good long snooze.

Grandpa Cherry surrounded by little ones, learning how to Rainbow Loom!

Nice, peaceful afternoon.

Got back to Ashley's house and the kids played while me and my mom and Ash threw a little BBQ together.

We seriously ran to the grocery and grabbed this stuff at the last minute. Turned out pretty good!

Ended our night with a big family bike ride. Threw the babies in their trailors and off we went. Went down on the trail and stopped at Steed Pond. Ended up at the park and let the kids play on the playground for awhile.

Such an enjoyable, happy day! Little bit of everything!

End of May

2014-06-06T14:56:00.002-07:00

May has got to be one of the busiest months of the year...right up there with December. End of school, start of summer....so much going on. Here's a whole bunch of randoms all thrown together. Starting with Linc's mother day gift to me. Sweet little pot that he painted with a flower in it.

Kept it on my windowsill as long as I could until it got to wilty. Just made me happy. Things like that make me really happy actually. Warm kitchen, checkered dish towel, little flower....its the little things.

Oh my Carsey boy....he has been dying to ride his bike to school for ages now. I guess its the cool thing. I have always been hesitant cause I didn't have a bike for myself or a bike trailer and there was no way in heck I am letting him go on his own. Not now or probably ever. Scares the crap out of me. But once Thiago got his bike, and if he had a late morning, the two of them would head off. Carson loves it so much. Once I got my bike and Drake's bike trailer I started riding with them each morning. Linc and Cars and me on the bikes and Drake in his trailer. We had so much fun with it. Great way to start off the day.

We have had the most perfect May. Just enough rain, but for the most part mild, beautiful, sunny perfect days. Its been so lovely easing back into the warmth and happiness of those summer days.

The trees and plants are alive and green and thriving.

Which of course meant planting time. Spent quite a few hours getting my yard cleaned up and ready for summer. Made a million trips to our local nursery to gather my annuals. Small fortune later.

Love this sista!! I would love to say I help in the planting process, but honestly she kinda kicks me out of the way. She just loves it and seriously is so good. She is my mom's little miniature when it comes to this kinda stuff. She helps me choose it all, plants it and then I keep up on it. So on planting day, I watch all the kids, run around and buy us lunch and drinks, do all the clean up, all the squirting off with the hose and such and she plants. Its a good system.

My dad stopped by to visit us for awhile. Love his company.

Baseball started up. This year is pitching machine instead of the T. So I thought he should look the part. Bought him the little baseball pants, and belt and socks and a new bat and glove. He really loves it!

Celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary on May 17th. Cars took the picture. Fairly decent job. The kids stayed with my mother in law and we went down to Salt Lake and had dinner at Market Street Grill. Yummy Seafood. To bad Thiago got sick all night from it. We also went and saw "Godzilla". Which I didn't care for, but Thiago loved it.

Lots of end of school year projects happening. Ash and I volunteered to bring a whole bunch of water balloons for the little ones preschool water party. Gotta say I suck at tying water balloons. I got one tied for every 20 Ashley did. It was pretty ridiculous. We were laughing so hard, and the kids thought I was an idiot. Which I guess I kinda am.

Love all those pretty colors though!

Carson had his end of year talent show. He chose to do another art project. He drew a whole bunch of pictures of instruments and I thought I would be a nice mom and have them bound into a book for him. Thiago dropped it off at Kinkos, and then I went back to pick it up. I about died when they told me $26.00 was the cost. What the??? Huh! Never again. Except you should have seen how much he loved it. He packs that little book everywhere...so maybe I will do it again. No price on that. He was so proud.

Spent quite a few evenings a couple weeks ago visiting with my sweet Gran at Mckay Dee. The doctors found a titch of lung cancer in her lungs. Total fluke that they even caught it, she was getting a scan for something else and they happened to see a spot. Biopsied it and it was cancerous. Found all this out the same week my other grandma died. Which played alot into my emotions during that month. Couldn't handle it. Not both grandmas. Luckily, her cancer had not spread at all. Which is pretty rare. We felt so extremely blessed and knew her time was not up yet. The doctors were able to just cut that little piece right out, and Gran is doing wonderful. Can't tell you how relieved we were. Not ready to lose her. Not now...really not ever. But especially not now.

Never has a Gran been so loved. By me and all these littles. She is one of a kind. A shining star in our lives. Love her so much. Just so much.

Teacher gifts...super sad to be losing them. Especialy Carson's. Mrs. Frye has seriously been my all time favorite. What a great teacher. Nothing means more to me as a mom than a teacher who 100% loves my kid. I just felt such peace knowing he was in her care. One of those people that truly loves what she does, and it showed every single day. I will forever be grateful to her and the role she played in my little boys schooling. She was amazing. Pretty sure we won't get one that great again. If we stay at Clinton, I will fight for Linc to get her also.

The day of Linc's preschool graduation, I spent baking cookies. Volunteered to bring some of the refreshments. I really do love volunteering. Love feeling like I play a part in their little lives. Especially the parts where they aren't in my care. They are out in the world doing there thing, yet I can find little ways to be a part of it. I know. I'm weird. But I am probably a teachers dream. Volunteer for it all, probably more help than they really want. Haha.

Oh my boy. Why can't I get a grip on the fact that they grow. One baby left to do the whole preschool thing. Can't stand that I have two school aged kids now. Gosh I love this boy.

What a charachter. He spent the whole day reviewing his line. He was supposed to say "We have learned there are 7 days to every week, we will sing them for you and you will be amazed". Everytime he would say it though, it came out like this "we have learned there are 7 days to every week, we sing for you and you will be A Quiet Amazed". I would correct him and he would get pissed. If you know my boy this is no surprise. Never seen a kid that gets more angry when he needs correction, or if you tell him to try it again. Finally just gave up and said "yep you got it". So he stuck with the "A Quiet Amazed". And I sorta loved it.

He waited all day for that little program. He was so excited. And truth be told, so was I. Its those moments of being a mom that I cherish. Watching your kid do there thing. My heart soars to see them in their element, in their moment. Watching them shine.

I love this crinkled little smile, the splash of freckles across his nose and that mischevious look in his eyes. Oh he keeps me on my toes, but I am so obssessed with this kid. Wouldn't change a thing about him, loves life, a fire down in his soul that I hope is never tamed.

His little class..he spent most of his time, bossing Elle around up there. Telling her to sit down, to stand up, not to sing so loud, to quit practicing her part. I tell ya. Why is she friends with him. What a bossy pants.

Saying his little part...in his squeeky, one of a kind chipmunk Lincoln voice. How can your heart feel like its gonna burst from a simple little line. I was grinning from ear to ear. I love him.

Had to laugh, his teacher would say a little something special about each kid as she gave them their cap and diploma and scrapbook and such. About Lincoln she said "Lincoln is our little peacemaker, can't stand contention and always trying to smooth things out". Me and Thiago and Ash and Souli all looked at each other like "what the hell". Excuse my language. But seriously. Huh. Lincoln a peacemaker?? Never. I'm telling ya, different kid at home then he is in the real world. Craziness.

So glad his Vovo and Vovo could come. Maria had just gotten off like a 12 hour flight from Brazil. But there is no way she was missing it. Love them. So grateful for all their support.

Cute Miss Missie. She is such a doll, and has such a way with the kids. Drake will go next year in her three year old class. So I'm glad we are not losing her yet.

My little sweeties! It was so bittersweet for me, to see their two years of preschool come to a close. I have loved them being together. This past month of class as I have dropped them off, and watched them run in, side by side. Their backpacks flapping and Elle's pigtails a flying. Linc's sideway smile and her little eyes sparkling. Felt this little pain in my heart. Such a special relationship they have. These two little cousins, born 4 days apart. Living down the street from each other their whole lives. That Linc, he's a tough kid, can make it really hard to be his friend. He's loud, he's bossy, he's controlling, he can be downright mean...not to many would tolerate that. But she does. She is one in a million. Heart of pure kindness. And I tell ya, my little boy needs it. He may appear rough and tough but inside is this little heart begging to be loved. To be accepted. She has done that for him. He's lost without her. She has been his right arm, his stroke of confidence, his companion, his best friend. I will be forever grateful for her existence in his little life. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he sent them down together. He knew that he needed her. Love my Elle Bell. Love my boy. It was hard to see this chapter close...but oh the places they will go. Got teary eyed there at the end, they sang the Bruno Mars song "count on me". "If you ever get stuck in the middle of the sea, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark, and you can't see. I'll be the light to guide you. You can count on me like 1,2,3...I'll be there. And I know when I need it, I can count on you like 4,3,2 you'll be there. Cause thats what friends are supposed to do...oh yeah". The song was meant to be towards each other, the little preschool friends. But I sat there and listened, and Linc's big old smile, and Elle swaying and singing her little heart out. All the sudden those little lives flashed before my eyes, Lincoln kept catching Thiago's eye...to make sure he was watching, Thiago was bawling. We both had the same thought. Our little boy and his life. The places he would go, the things he would do and hope he always knows 1,2,3 he can count on us, will be his light, his guide. I don't know. Too much emotion for a preschool graduation, but it just touched my heart. Thinking how this is just the begining for him. And we will be there for it all. Love him.

Wrapping this baby up, Carson's last day of second grade came 3 days later....

and just like that May was gone. And we are all exhausted...summer...and the living's easy. Welcome summer!

Mothers Day

2014-05-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day was just okay this year. I don't know why. I was feeling just a little out of sorts that day for whatever reason. The weather was cold and wet. My dad was having a horrible day, just being the first Mothers Day without my grandma. My own mom was out of town and I didn't get to see her. And that happened to be the day I should have been 20 weeks along in my pregnancy. For some reason the day just got to me. Tried my best to be happy. Hello, I have three darling little boys who call me mom, and a huband who went out of his way to spoil me. So I should have been happy and go lucky, but for whatever reason my attitude was just off that day.

Anyways, there was still plenty of good that went on and made me smile. Slow morning, getting ready for church. Lil boys playing and wrestling. Multigrain pancakes made by my hubby. Handsome little boys all dressed up. Homemade cards and bookmarks and even a flower pen. Whipped up my favorite broccoli salad to take to my inlaws. Yummy BBQ with all of them. Including carrot cake, which next to pie is probably my favorite dessert!! I got surprised with my very own bike. Which I am loving. Thiago got one earlier this spring, and then we went and purchased a bike trailer for Drake. We are putting those bikes to good use so far. It has been a blast!

Even though the day was a bit off, still remains one of my most treasured days. Forever grateful for my calling to be their mom. They make my world go round. They fill my heart with the purest most powerful love I have ever known. Can't imagine not having that. They are the best thing about me. I've struggled a little bit recently, this year just has been one thing after another. Not my best by a long shot. But every day, amongst all the little trials and bumps and worries, they remain my one constant. My hugest blessing. If all is right in their little worlds, then all is right in mine. Love them to the moon and back again, over and over.

And to my own mom, they aren't words to express my love and gratitude towards her. She is more than a mother. She is my angel here on this earth. Not one person in this world do I admire more. She is who I want to become. Who I have shaped my own life after. Her love, dedication and devotion to me completely blows me away. My whole life. She is my beacon of strength and light. I owe her all that I am and all that I hope to become. Love her with all my heart.

Loretta Mae (Hills) Williams

2014-05-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

Bear with me, long post, lots of pictures. However this was a life changing couple of weeks for me. My first real taste of death. Of losing someone I hold so dear. Its been such a huge range of emotions for me. So very sad, yet all so beautiful at the same time. Family and love is such a perfect thing. And while this was one of the hardest weeks of my life, I know it is one I will never forget. I didn't want to forget any of the images or details so I took tons of pictures.

I know I mentioned my grandma had been not doing well for awhile. We knew her time was fading. She was having far too many bad days, and not nearly enough good days. Everytime I was with her, I wondered....how much longer, how many more memories. Its an eerie thought. Preparing to let go of something you have always known, something thats always been there. For me that family has always been my one constant. In a world where everything else changed. They never did. It was always the two of them. That house. That furniture. Our pictures on the mantle. The teacups. Her knitting pile next to the chair. The recipes, the red velvet cake, the chicken macaroni salad, the chocolate sheet cake, the fried chicken, her orange carrot jello salad. Grandpa's garden, and all their flower pots. The covered back porch and nana's old swing. The two of them are in my every memory. I think of them and my heart feels warm and happy and safe. A world without them quite honestly breaks my heart. Still can't wrap my brain around that she is gone.

So many events leading up to her death, that are forever stamped in my memory. She had taken a really bad turn and the night before Easter my dad called me at about 10:45 pm. Panicked. Her heart was going crazy and they had her at the Emergency room. He was too shooken up to drive up there, and was hoping Thiago could take him. Its about an hour drive from where we live. Thiago had ended up going to a late night movie and he wasn't answering his phone. I knew how desperatly my dad needed to be there, so my sister came over with her little ones and stayed with all our kids while I drove my dad to Tremonton. I will forever be grateful for that oppurtunity. For the first few hours, there was a big group of us cousins that just sat out in the waiting room. Pretty sure that hospital thought we were nuts. Its the tiny little Tremonton hospital. The night we were there, it was grandma and one other patient. Pretty deserted. But there was us. And I tell ya there is a lot of us. And we show up. Always. After a few hours when things got a little more under control, we all were allowed back. Some of the events of that night, are just to sacred and special to me. I will keep them just in my heart and not share. But I can say the feeling of love in that room that night was suffocating. I had never felt it so strong. I tell you, I will forever be grateful to be part of the Williams family. We are really something. And all of that started with her. It felt so strange, yet so perfect to surround the bed of this now tiny, frail little women who had been the driving force of our family. To watch her and see her as I never had before. Felt so fitting to gather around her in her last days and pour our love onto her, the way she always had to all of us. It was one of the most humbling and beautiful nights of my life.

The next week was a lot of ups and downs. Better days. Then bad days. The news was back and forth until finally on Friday, they told us. Only expect another 2-10 days with her. It shook me. I was expecting months, maybe weeks. Not days. The very day we were told that, all of us family members made it to the hospital. At some point on that Friday the 25th of April, each of us made it to her bedside. I just love that. Think it symbolizes what they taught us. The importance of family. Nothing is more important. Nothing more sacred. Thiago and I headed up there the minute I got off work. Got there about 6:00 and stayed til 11 or so. She was in good spirits. Awake and making an effort to talk and smile with all of us. Which quite honestly was a shock. The past week she had been kinda delirous and out of sorts everytime we saw her. It was so strange to see her act so alert and aware. We finally decided we needed to head home. It was raining and we needed to pick up the kids from my mother in laws. It was late and I needed to work the next day. Yet, we were so reluctant to leave her side. It seems all of us were that way.

Went to bed that night. Fitfull. My mind so full of memories and thoughts. Woke up to my phone lighting up the side of my bed. Panicked. What else does a phone call in the middle of the night mean. It was my cousin. 3:15 pm. She was sobbing. Saying that gradma had an hour, maybe less. Didn't know what to do. Wanted to go. But my kids. Its the middle of the night. Stood their debating. Minutes later. Minutes. She called again. She was gone. Happened so fast. Crazy to think back, cause earlier in the evening she kept saying things like "you all need to get home now, its too late, get back to your families". Its like she knew. She wanted us all there to say goodbye, to see us one last time and then she wanted us to go. Didn't want us to be there. To have to witness it. Yet, all any of us can think now, is how badly we wished we were there when she drew her last breath. And left her earthly home.

Didn't take long to decide we all wanted to be there. With our family. With our grandpa. Called my inlaws and they rushed over to stay with my sleeping boys. So strange to me. The circle of life. Here are these boys. My little family. Yet my heart loved so fully before they ever entered this world. I belonged to a family before them. And a part of that had just died. Love them so much. But loved her so much. I don't know how to explain it. Other than it leaves me feeling like a huge hole was just dug in my heart. Unsure when that feeling will go away. If it ever will.

Arrived to the hospital. The mortuary was waiting. But they said they wouldn't take her until we all got there. Drove the dark, wet freeway. My husband pushing 90 the entire time, to make it there. To join the rest of our family in this final goodbye. And that my friends is where I will end this. That experience. Being in that room with my loved ones, and our matriarch. I have never, probably will never experience anything like that in all my life. The veil felt so thin. Transpearant really. She was there. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. She was there with us. The rest I will leave to my own heart and my own memory. Just too sacred to share. Changed me. Forever.

The following days, week really were some of the most poignant of my whole life. Can't even describe them. So many memories came flooding back. Not just of my grandma, but of my childhood years. My parents. My mom and dad. Memories of before their divorce, of our early years in Tremonton. Gathering together. We all played a part in planning the funeral. My sister and oldest cousin and I even had the privledge of writing her obituary. It was all so painful, yet beautiful at the same time....

Bear with all the pictures....but here goes. The night of the viewing is first.

We took just Carson with us. Maybe that was selfish of me. To not include my little two. But I wanted to savor this night. Her memory. Didn't want the distraction and sometimes annoyance of my two little ones. Still at the age where they are a lot of work and I just wanted this night to myself and her memory.

My dad and his girls. Dare say her death has changed him even more than me. He has become a different person. In the best of ways. The dad I always wanted him to be. And knew that he was. He has been going through some real struggles lately. I have never felt closer to him than I do in these last few weeks. Love him so much. Just so much.

I seriously took pics of every little area of the viewing. My sweet aunts did an amazing job. Every detail. Every song. Every flower. Every little thing was so well thought out and so perfectly spoke of my grandma. This is the front entrance table. Where her video played. Which I watched about 20 times.

The sign in table came next. They had the little girls stand at this table with little packets of stickers. In recent years, everytime we came over with her great grandkids she would hand out little stickers to them. So in memory of that, we greeted guests with stickers.

As you made your way through the line, we had little tables set up they signified different stages of her life. Starting with her younger years. Grandma was an only child. She was her parents greatest treasure. Her papa's "honey girl". She was so close to both of them. Papa died before I was born and her mom, my nana, died when I was about 5. I remember clear as day. It was right after Christmas. We had gone to visit her just days before and we have a picture of grandma and grandpa, nana, my 2 aunts and 2 uncles. And then my mom and dad, us three girls. And my 2 older cousins, Zac and Randy Jo. My grandma was so close to her mom, and my mom told me how bad she struggled after she died.

The next table, is my favorite. Her table representing her life as a mom. To her 4 sons. Only 3 living. First came Alan, then my dad, then Mark. They were all born within three years. One after another. 4 years later came their last boy, Randy. He was stillborn. Cord wrapped around his neck. My grandma never got over it. She hardly ever talked about it. And when she did, the tears would always fill her eyes. Even 52 years later. To her very last day, she always said it was her hardest trial. The one that rocked her to her core.

Her other three though. Oh the stories of those boys. What a handful. Kinda love the fact that she had three boys. And I have three boys. Feels like a little something the two of us shared. She would always tell me that watching me with my three, took her back in time to when she was raising hers. All I can think is when I am old and my boys are grown....I hope they love me the way hers love her. The way they took care of her. Their relationship was pure beauty....and I love it, hope I get the same.

Now this little arrangment. One of my favorites. Right by Grandmas front door she had a little entry table. Lined with our pictures. From all the years. So many pictures. Hanging above it was a tiny little individual picture of each of us 15 grandkids as a baby. They hung in order of birth. Zac, Randy Jo (named after baby Randy), me and Jen, Ash, Ike, Taylor, Kylie, Markell, Caleb, Lexi, Kassidy, Hallie, Caton and Camryn. They hung there our whole lives. My aunts gathered those little pictures and stuck them in this flower arrangment. And the base of the arrangement was Grandma's old baby buggy from almost 80 years ago. Her babies in her baby buggy. Gosh it just tore at my heart strings.

Another of my favorites. You guys would not believe all the flowers. The mortuary guy said he had been doing this for over 10 years and never in his life had he seen so many flowers sent. So many. Blew me away. This little arrangment my aunts had put together. Every year grandma would have a little yellow and blue bouquet put together to take to baby Randy's grave. They had one made for her. It read "Love you Mama". I tell ya that is the thought that brought me the most comfort throughout all of this. Knowing my grandma was being reunited with her son. The baby she never even got to hold.

This next table represented her years at Bear River High. She taught shorthand and keyboarding for over 35 years at Bear River. Also was a cheerleading advisor. And in the classroom next door, was my grandpa. They taught side by side. Small town. Little highschool. She touched the lives of hundreds of people. And it was so amazing to see the lines of her students that showed up to pay their respects to her. Blew me away. I know my grandma and the impact she had on my life. Truly amazing to see that impact spread farther than I knew. To see she had affected so many.

But this table. This was my favorite. The grandma I knew and loved. This was her grandma table. From the day I was born she has hosted Sunday dinner. For all of us. 3 sons. 3 daughter in laws and us 15 grandkids. Even as we have grown. 8 of us are since married. And we have added our spouses plus 17 great grandkids. Never did she miss a Sunday dinner. We are talking meat and potatoes, homemade rolls, sides of veggies and salads, fresh fruit and dessert. And my most favorite her glass jars she kept on top of the fridge. Filled with candy for us kids. Always jellybeans, skittles, and M&M's. They were always filled. Gone by the time we left. Filled by the next week. In her last months, my aunts had started to do her grocery shopping. The first thing always written on her list was candy for the candy jars. Only fitting to supply that at her viewing. Little candy station for all her little visitors.

My hubby snapped this pic of all of us granddaughters practicing our song for the funeral. Grandma's favorite song was "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. Sang it at her 50th wedding anniversary almost 9 years ago. And she always wanted us girls to sing it at her funeral. It was amazing. I don't sing. At all. But lots of my cousins do. And I gotta say we sounded beautiful. It was truly a beautiful song. Not a dry eye anywhere.

Right before the viewing started my cousin Ike gave my dad and his two brothers these special elk tooth rings my grandma had made for them. She did it as a surprise and Ike was the only one that knew about it.

Aren't they pretty?!

She looked so beautiful. Just perfect. My mom, and my aunts and a few cousins all got the chance to get her ready. They did her nails, and her hair and makeup. Placed her favorite necklace in her hands. Don't know if I mentioned grandma had tons of necklaces with jewels in them. Just small, simple necklaces. She always said they were to go to her granddaughters. Right before the funeral, my aunts went threw them all and chose one for each of us. Tried to match with our birthstones and personalities. We all wore them that night and the day of the funeral. And pretty much every day since. A little piece of her close to our hearts.

And then came the lines. Lines and lines of people. It was truly awe-inspiring. I had never seen anything like it. They had made their mark on that small town. So many lives she had touched. And boy did people show up to pay their respect to this amazing little lady. Gosh I love her. My grandpa sat right here all night. Never leaving her side. Kept catching him just gazing into her casket. Broke my heart. He is lost without her.

End of the night. We all gathered. Just our family after everyone had gone. We all sat and watched the video together. So many tears. And my sweet Grandpa.

Next morning, bright and early. Funeral. I was dreading it, yet so looking forward to it at the same time. If that makes any sense.

All of us granddaughters. Two of them are married to my cousins. There are 11 girls and only 4 boys. I love these girls. Each and every one of them.

While the viewing went on that morning, we just played around with family pictures and such.

Then came the moment I was completely dreading. The family prayer and getting ready to close the casket. I really can't even talk about that half hour of time. Except to say I will never forget it. The spirit that was in that room was undeniable. Strongest feeling of love I have ever felt. It was amazing to be there with our immediate little family. Her sons and daughter in laws and her grandkids and her husband. How tight we all stood to her casket. Watching each of us say our final goodbye. All of the boys, great grandkids included signed a baseball. She lived and breathed her baseball. With three boys, she knew her sports. The boys signed the ball and we tucked that in with her. All of us girls signed her beloved rice bag. She always had that tucked up next to her. Gave her so much comfort. And then we wrapped her in her favorite little Christmas blanket. The one she was always curled up in. And that was it. Poured out every ounce of love that we could, and we closed her casket. Hardest moment of my little life. Knowing that was it for this earthly life. That I would never see that face again, or kiss those soft cheeks. Oh I miss her. Even writing this I can't stop my fresh tears. Love you so much grandma.

The funeral was beautiful and perfect. The great grandkids sang "Popcorn Popping". Oh how she loved our kids. They were her pride and joy. All her favorite hymns. All three of her boys spoke. Each with so much pride and emotion and even humor. Then us girls sang our song. It was just beautiful. She would have been so proud. So pleased.

One of my favorites. Grandpa's old car. They rarely drove it. Like 40 thousand miles on this thing. Thats about it. Grandpa and his 4 grandsons drove it to the cememtary. No doubt about it, they loved their grandsons. Raising all boys, boys is what they knew. We always used to tease them and say their boys got special treatment. Which is completely untrue, but oh how they loved them. Love Grandpa's cute little face poking out in the middle. One thing for certain is we will take care of him. He is blessed to have a family that will make sure of that.

Her grandsons and her grandson in laws were the pall bearers. Made me so proud. Having no grandparents here in the US, my grandparents became my husbands. Especially the Williams. Thiago has the same, slightly inappropriate sense of humor as all of them. From day one he has fit in better with them then me half the time. He loved my grandma so much. He was so proud to carry her casket.

We did a balloon release. Red. Her favorite. Her little Tremonton baseball team was red. Her sons all played. Her grandsons. Even one great grandson. She never missed a game. Even got close to getting thrown out on a few. She was a feisty little lady. Especially when it came to her boys.

After the prayer was said, and visitors lingered. Kids played. Baloons were long gown. Floated on up to heaven. The last guest had left. It was just us. Our family. And watching grandpa.

Went back for a dinner put on by the church. Lingered as long as we all could. So reluctant to let go and move back on with life. Really struggled in those following weeks. Felt cruel and heartless to return to my everyday life. Like I had lived through that week, and now I was back in the trenches. Without her. Still working through all that. How do you go on without those you love. Don't know yet.

But one thing I know is I'll see her again. This life is never the end. Funny, heaven feels so much closer knowing she is there. I imagine her there. Happy. Smiling down on us. With Randy. And Nana and Papa. And even my three babies that I lost. I like to think they are with her. That she is loving them. Kissing their cheeks. That she is telling them stories of her life with me. With all of us. Everytime I see the sun break through the clouds. Or my hair blow in the breeze. Or the smell after it has rained. I feel her. She's with me. I hear her voice calling me "her Teri Ann". I see her smile and hear her laugh. Can almost feel her touch. Life can go on because of who she was. Who she taught us to be. Oh the legacy she left behind. She will never be forgotten and my mind imagines what it will feel like to be with her again. We had a little vinyl image made for all of our cars....the word "remember". And we will. Always.

Snapshots of Easter

2014-05-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

Easter was lovely. Always been one of my favs, although I am pretty sure I say that every holiday. And honestly Easter is only my fav when its late, like it was this year. End of April. Can't stand when its in March, too freaking cold and not springlike. But April 21 with a high of 71. I'll take it. The day started out a little unexpected. My dear sweet Grandma Williams passed away about a week after. I have a whole post to come on that. Broke my heart and was a really emotional time. Anyways, that Saturday night right before at about 10:00 at night my dad called me to say she was being taken to the emergency room. He was really emotional and wanted to be there but didn't trust himself to drive. So I jumped in and said I will go with, I will take you. So me and my dad headed up to Tremonton at 11 at night and didn't leave til about 5 am. It was one of the saddest nights of my life. But also one I will never forget. Not going to get into all that right now, more to come on my grandma and her amazing legacy. However, that being said I got back home to my house at about 5:45 am, slept for 45 minutes and then got up and got going cause I had a family to put Easter on for. Easter Bunny visited with new bikes. Confession, the only new bikes were for Carson and Linc. Drake was getting Linc's old bike cause it was still in perfect condition. So I ordered a stuffed Olaf off Amazon for Drake. I ordered that sucker 8 weeks prior to Easter. Failled to realize items coming from China, take an eternity to get her. Needless to say Olaf arrived 5 days late...so ya know what I did. Cleaned up Linc's old bike and stuck in there in the pile with the other two. Hahaha!! Lincoln was too excited about his new bike to notice, Drake had no idea, Carson gave me a weird look and then whispered "thats not new". I gave him some dumb story about the Easter bunny was still working on Drake's gift but didn't want him to feel bad. And all was happy. Ha! Parenting at its finest. Other than that pretty standard Easter. New church clothes, sunshine, bike riding, egg hunts at both grandmas. Ham, potato salad, pie, deviled eggs, broccoli salad.....all the usual. It was a pretty great day.

Easter Prep

2014-05-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

Easter/spring happenings. Can't believe May is already upon us. Just crazy!! Loving our weather, loving that summer is almost here, loving that my boys are almost home with me for 3 whole months. Lots to be happy about...this year has been a bit emotionally draining. The hits keep on coming, really hoping life can slow down for a bit and we can just enjoy some nice quiet months as a family. Linc came home from preschool the other day with this fuzzy lil chick he made. The dang thing just made me smile and smile. Just a happy little guy.

We were headed to a baby blessing the week before Easter, I can't even resist my boys all dressed up in Sunday best!

Couple days before Easter we had our cousin party. The night before Carson had a bit of a sinus infection going on. We had all had colds, mine turned into a sinus infection...yet again. Got myself right into the ENT and got some medicine...indeed it had spread to my ear already. Did not need a repeat of my ear situation, so I was happy I got in there fast enough. Quite worried for everytime I get a cold though...why the heck can't I drain stuff appropriately. Anywho the night before our easter party, Cars came home from school crying about a sinus headache and he fevered all night long. Kept him home from school the next day, but sure enough the kid was totally fine and bouncing off the walls. Oh well. Nice little day off for him.

Ash made these yummy raspberry lemon muffins. We ate plenty of those, but that day Thiago happened to be in Bountiful where SWIG had just opened. Oh Swig. I had been asking him to make a stop for me and bring me a sugar cookie and a mango mountain dew. He did that day. So I ate mufins and sugar cookies. And felt sorta bad but not enough to stop me.

Made these cute little Easter Bunny paper plates. I made this two big boys pose for my picture...they didn't love it, but did it anyways.

Dyed Easter eggs.

And of course had a plastic easter egg hunt. We split the kids into two groups. Big kids which was Cars, Lance, Luke, and Brev. And then the little ones Linc, Elle, K, and Drake. Caroline and Boston are too little obviously. We let the big kids hide for the little ones, may have not been a great idea. They hid them them in bizarre places. They were getting into our cars and going down the street, we put a stop to that right away but I'm pretty sure they lost track of like half the eggs. After the little ones had gathered the ones they could find, the pile looked a lot smaller than what it started with. Thats the last time we let them hide.

The next day I had the kids plant their jelly beans. You've heard of this right? You plant jelly beans the day before Easter and they magically sprout into dum dum suckers the next day. Silly but kinda fun. My cute friend even printed out this little seed packet for me. Just for an extra level of cuteness!

We were headed to a wedding reception...which is why my boys are all dressed up. That brings us to Easter morning....coming up!

Potty Training and Spring Break....

2014-04-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

The time had come. I had been putting off potty training my little lovebug. Couple reasons, first potty training is not fun. Not at all. But secondly, and probably more importantly...that made it official. No longer a baby in the Cano home. I hate that. I hate it so bad. I hate that he is so big. But he was three. And it was time. So I gathered my supplies. Refreshed my method in my head. All of you that have followed along for awhile, know exactly what that is. I wait til there three, then I go cold turkey. Clear my schedule, stay home for three straight days and go to town. No pull ups. No diapers. No breaks. Just do it. Everytime he at least tries, he gets a piece of candy. Everytime he goes he gets to pick a small toy. And when he has gone three straight days with no accidents, we go to Target and he picks out a big toy. It has worked with my other two, almost perfectly. All my nieces and nephews. Fail proof method.

And once again...he mastered it. He was a little slower at learning than my other two. It took us a good 10 days before I completely trusted him. Far more accidents than successes in those first few days. I was scrubbing pee left and right. Seriously think at the end of potty training the mama should get the prize. It was a fun 10 days, but he got it. He's a little potty training champ!

Poor babe, this was the end of the second day and my heart was kinda breaking for him. It took alot out of the little guy. He was so stressed and emotional those first few days. I wanted so bad to say screw it, you aren't ready, lets put your diaper back on. But if you know me, you know that ain't happening. Once I put my mind to something, I do it. If I say I'm gonna do it, then heck...I'm gonna do it. Don't know who is more stubborn...me or him.

So happened potty training took place the same week "Frozen" came out. Oh that Frozen. I swear I may have watched it one too many times. My kids were relentless that first week. As I'm sure many other households were. We were all going a little stir crazy being stuck in the house, my mom dropped in one day just to say hello. And here she sits watching it with Linc and Elle. Elle bell sings her little heart out to every single song, at one poing Linc finally turned to her and said "Elle, are you going to sing a long to every SINGLE song?!" Hahaha.

We've had such lovely weather. But gosh we need some rain. My lawn is begging for it. Finally put my house sprinklers on just to give it a drink. Need rain. But kids have been loving our mild, pleasant temps. Here is Drake out there in just his undies...mid potty training.

That time of year for school registration...my Lincoln boy and Kindergarten. Say it ain't so. Not crazy about the Kindergarten teachers at our school. Like at all. Trying to get my Lincoln boy a variance, for Kinder at least, possibly Carson too. Haven't exactly made up my mind. Submitted paperwork for both of them to a couple different schools. The whys is a post in its own. I have alot of mixed feelings about it. So still don't know what I'm going to do. But I submitted and then I will make the decision then if they happen to get in. Won't know til August.

Drake bug got invited to his first "friend" birthday party. Our little neighbor up the street was having a party at Chuck-e-cheese and Drake got invited. Keep in mind this is my kid that hyperventilates everytime we take him to nursery. I knew there was no way in heck he would go without us. So whats a good dad to do. Go with him of course. Luckily Thiago and the dad of the birthday boy are good friends, so he was totally fine with it.

Had a really special night a couple of Sundays ago. I know I have mentioned that my grandma is just starting to really struggle with her health. She has her ups and downs, but seems to be declining at a steady rate now. I know I have mentioned how hard this has been for our family. We are super close. Like closer than most. And its just been heartbreaking watching our matriarch slow down and struggle so much. We all gathered for family dinner a couple weeks ago and then all the men gave her a priesthood blessing. I won't say much cause it was really personal and made a deep impact on my testimony. But watching the men in our family, including my husband, gather around the grandma we love so much and giving her a blessing of strength. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Was a really beautiful night. You could feel the love so strong. I'll never forget it.

Love her so much. Its hard cause I know these memories we are making as of late, will be my last. Such a hard thought. How do you let go of 31 years of my existence where she has been apart of it. How do you say goodbye to that. It just breaks my heart.

My sweet dad. He was so emotional. He has been going through some struggles of his own lately and it breaks my heart. I love him so much and wish I could help in some way. But at the end of the day, he really can only help himself. I just hope he always knows how much I love him. How grateful I am for the sacrifices he's made for me and my sisters. He hasn't been perfect, but who has. At the end of the day, he has loved me with his whole heart. I know we are what he is most proud of, and the one thing he knows he can always count on. I'll love him forever and ever.

It was a really hard night. But a really beautiful night as well. Just so grateful that I know that kind of love. The kind that just hurts your heart. What is life without that kind of love.

Next day the boys were on spring break. I was an idiot and had scheduled Carson's yearly echocardiogram for that day. Not realizing it was spring break. Thiago always usually takes that day off work and we plan something fun as a family. Felt bad that Cars had to get an echo on what should have been a fun day. But when I called to reschedule they wouldn't be able to get us in again til August. Forget that. We needed to keep the appointment. It wasn't til three so we decided we still had time to make it a fun day.

My best days are days spent with just the five of us. I've had a ton of stuff going on lately, just alot weighing on my mind. Feeling extra grateful for this little family of mine. A husband who not only stands by my side, but carries me along the way. And these three boys. They are my whole life's happiness. Grateful every single day that this is how I get to spend my days. Loving them.

We headed down to Salt Lake to the Utah museum of natural history. The boys had a great time. A little bored at certain parts but loved it for the most part. One of those places that once you've been you don't need to go again. Ya know what I mean.

Hard to tell in this picture but the dinosaur exhibit was their favorite. By far. They could have spent the whole time in that section. Linc kept trying to touch them all. Thiago finally told him that if you touch them they will come to life. That worked. Kept his little hands to himself from there on out.

After that we had just enough time to grab them some chicken nuggets, then we needed to head to Primary Children's for his echo.

Breezed right through the procedure, he's a pro at this by now. Went into meet with his Dr. to go over the results. We were a little surprised this time. He has a bicuspid aortic valve, we've known since he was 5. Will eventually need surgery to have it replaced. It has to work overtime because he only has 2 valves instead of three, which causes the aorta to expand overtime. If left alone it would cause an aneurysm. Which means we monitor its growth. It jumped alot more this year than the past couple. Surprised us. Usually its followed a very slow dialation, but it increased this past year. At first we thought surgery would be in his thirties or so...now its looking like it may be sooner. His blood pressure was also out of whack, so we now have to give him daily medication to control that. Also needed to schedule him for an MRI. MRI gives a more accurate measurement because it is three dimensional. So that is scheduled for May. It all kinda surprised us, but we feel good about it. I have never got a yucky feeling when I think about his condition. I feel complete peace. Have total faith in his doctors and know they are watching him close and it would never get to the point of danger for him. Feel blessed for this medical age we are in and all that is possible.

Ended our day with dinner at Zupa's...Carson's choice. And of course a trip to Trader Joe's. Can't go into Salt Lake without stopping. My boys love pushing the tiny carts around. I do not love that part. Annoying as crap!

My dad stopped by on his way to visit my Grandma on Confrence Sunday. Wanted to take these two with him. I said sure...nice quiet house for the final session of general confrence.

Later that day we headed up to Logan to Jen's house. To celebrate this yellow haired princess's fourth birthday. Love this little lady. She just exuberates happiness and joy. She twirls and dances and sings her merry little way through life. Love my sweet nieces.

Picture of these two. It's always the three of us. Dad at work. Cars at school and that leaves me and my two little sidekicks. Will be so weird when Linc starts kinder in the fall. So weird.

Spring soccer season started up....here we go again!

And last but not least....date night. Went and got sushi with Ash and Souli and then saw "Divergent". Loved it. I read the book and just fell in love with Four. Obviously. Was so excited for the movie. Little cheesy at parts, but I seriously loved it! Not sure Thiago felt the same, quite a few sighs and looks he kept throwing at me. Oh well....I liked it. And thats what matters most...right!

Luck of the Irish

2014-04-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

Always behind..always. But here is our day of green.

"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks you grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go". We aren't Irish...like at all, but any excuse to make a mundane Monday a little more exciting....I'll take it. Told the boys they were safe in school that day cause they were wearing their green. Nobody could pinch them. Carson was quick to inform me that it was a school rule to not pinch. So even if his friends aren't wearing green he can't or won't pinch them anyways. He said this in all seriousness and stared at me like I was an idiot for even saying that. I said "uh, oh, okay then". And then he walked away...while I stood there like an idiot. Guess he told me.

Drake had his green on too...just a few hours later. No need for him to miss out on precious sleep just for the sake of a picture. Those two big boys headed out to school and it was just Drake and I.

Didn't do too much exciting stuff, but I did put this fun little treat together. Rice Krispie treat recipe but you use Lucky Charms instead. I like to do lots more marshmallows and a little less cereal. Makes em extra gooey.

Night before put this little scavenger hunt together...just simple little clues that led my boys around the house to the big "treasure" at the end.

Bought myself a fun little shamrock shirt at Target. $10.00. I can use it as a lounge shirt or for pj's. At least that is how I justified the purchase with myself. Thiago kinda thought it was stupid. But what does he know. Completely neccesarry.

Crazy boy...waited all day for that Leprechaun to show up. We kinda did the same thing last year, so my boys knew "Lucky the Leprechaun" would be showing up at some point that day. Linc was really hopeful he would show up while Carson was at school and then he could just tell Carson what he missed. Nice, real nice Lincoln.

Ash took my kids to her house after school for a sec, made up some lame excuse that she needed them for something. Then I ran home and threw up the clues. Started on the back door, right as they got home.

Told them to hold on a sec while I grabbed my camera, turned back around and this is how they were standing. Carson was reading the first clue to them. Stinkin little sweeties...

That deserves a close up. Sweet little brothers. They have their moments. But oh they sure do love each other. To this day, I will always believe the greatest gift I have ever given them is each other. Love these brothers.

Phongsavath's came over and joined us in the fun.

They tore through the house in record time. Laughing their little heads off at the crazy clues. Love how something so simple made them so happy. Literally took me 10 minutes the night before to throw this together. And they just loved it.

Ended up in the laundry room with a plate of "Lucky charm treats" and a coupon to buy "Frozen" the next day. They were happy as can be.

I had to laugh cause Carson was going on and on about how good the Lucky Charm treats were, and not thinking I said "oh thanks Cars, I thought you might like them". He stared at me dumbfounded, and it took me a second to figure out why he was looking at me like that. He finally said "why did you say thanks, you didn't make them" "They are from the leprechaun". Whoops. I made up some lame answer saying I thought he was telling me how good breakfast was. And he smiled and laughed and told me I was silly.

And I smiled at my 8, soon to be 9 year old boy, who still totally believes in leprechauns and magic and treasure hunts. And I hope he hangs on to that for a good long while.

Moving on...

2014-03-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

The good thing about having three other children is life is busy. Events, holidays, comings and goings just keep moving on. No time to sit and be sad over what is done, life moves on fast and the best thing is to just move right along with it. After a bump in the road, the best thing for me is to always fling myself back into a routine. Into what I know, and what I love. Feels so good to have some normalcy.

Here's a little bit of what has been happening in the past few weeks. Whole lot random.

One Sunday after church. My baby bug down in our basement. He sleeps so good down there. All sprawled out on our couch and ottoman. Its dark and cool. And he has his best naps down there. Let him sleep too long this day, almost til 5:30. I was regretting that later that night. Thiago and I both asleep, while he sits at the foot of our bed playing with superheroes and watching "Higgleytown Heroes".

Gotta love a comfy Sunday at home.

Especially with peach cobbler for dessert. I get so excited when I make one of my mom's recipes and it turns out tasting just like hers. I really strive for that.

Had to throw these in here so I don't forget. The week following my miscarriage was such a sad time, but I was blown away by the kindness and thoughtfulness that was shown to our family. We had unexpected meals brought by, little gifts left at my door, flower deliveries. Countless phonecalls and texts and comments on my instagram. I was seriously blown away by the sincere kindness of others. Was such a good and uplifting feeling, knowing that I am surrounded by such good, good people. By the end of the week my thoughts had left the negativity of it all and all I could think about was the genuine care shown towards me and my family. Sincere thanks to each and every one of you that played a part in it. I will never forget it. Made it my goal, right then and there to pay it forward. To slow down and look for those oppurtunities to brighten others days. To leave my own concerns and spread a little sunshine and uplifting words. Truly meant the world to me and was such an eye opener. Thankyou friends. I was truly touched.

The first weekend that I was feeling up to it and back to myself we needed to get out of the house. Needed to be with my boys and to feel normal and happy again. So we asked them what they wanted to do that Saturday night. They chose bowling at Boondocks. And they wanted to eat at the place with "the fire". Tepanyaki, in other words. They LOVE that place. Love the food, and they love watching them cook. It was so fun and just what I needed.

And oh do they love the bowling. They prefer the little roller ball at Boondocks, rather than the big people bowling. Love watching the goofs. They take it so seriously. Each on their own lane. Drake cheers for everyone, even if they only hit one pin. Its pretty awesome.

We are just getting spoiled this spring. Really this whole winter. The mountains are getting snow and the valleys not so much. Here and there, but nothing like last winter. Makes me a little nervous for our water supply. And my green grass in the summertime. But for now we are loving this warm weather.

More days in March than not, looked just like this. We have been staying after almost every day at school to play on the playground and then come home and play in our yard. Now if we could just get our dad to put the trampoline back up....

This little turkey. Was making dinner one night, and had just pulled a pan of fries out of the oven. Turned around to finish getting dinner on the table and he was a little impatient and reached up to grab a fry. His arm graised the hot pan and YIKES. The world ended. In his defense it was a decent burn and probably did hurt, but oh my, of all kids to have that happen to. He went on and on. Truly cried and moaned for about 2 hours. We went and bought some soothing stuff and wrapped it up and that calmed him a bit. But boy does he milk stuff like this out. Wanted to lay in our bed and just watch his shows. Then wanted to be spoon fed oatmeal. Which of course I did. Cause I'm that kinda mom....

Pretty sure he was doing just fine by this point.

My cute mother in law called while we were dressing his burn, and of course he had to talk to her and give her the big sob story. She showed up the next day with Mcdonalds for these two and brought their new puppy which Linc is OBSESSED with. Ya know, cause she is that kinda grandma. We may or may not spoil these little monkeys.

Lots of cooking and baking going on...if you follow me on Instagram, I am so sorry for all my food posts. It just makes me happy. New recipes. New tastes. Seeing them come together. Kinda love it. This was a yummy corn chowder recipe....better yet in the slow cooker. My favorite kind of dinners.

Also made my first ever batch of homemade bread with my kitchen aid.

Tell me...how beautiful can food be. This bread is beautiful. I was so proud of it.

Babysitting baby Bosty one morning. These boys of mine kinda love that baby. He is a big deal in our house.

And then Elle and Lincoln. Two weirder kids you will never meet. They have playdates almost daily. Their new favorite game is to pull out every blanket in my house and make themselves a fort at the bottom of the stairs.

Where they then gather a large variety of toys and sit there and play. Piled in with pillows and blankets and comforters. Weird. But kinda cute, so I allow it.

And thats it for now.....

Valentines...

2014-03-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

February. Can't look at these pictures without feeling a tinge of sadness. There was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Every picture brings back a memory. The one's in the first of the month, bring back all my nervous yet excited anticipation of a new baby. And then knowing how all that turned out makes me feel very sad. Still need to share the pictures though...part of our story.

Made some cherry chip cupcakes while the boys' were at school one day. Once they got home, they went to town frosting them. They turned out so beautiful. Uh, not really. Look at the amount of frosting on some of those bad boys. That would be Lincoln.

And of course working on class Valentines. My boys are so funny. It was like pulling teeth getting Linc to finish his. He was excited about the first one, sort of. And after that he just kept complaining. Didn't want to write his name anymore just wanted to go play ninja turtles with Drake. It was a long 1/2 hour for both of us. Then Carson got home and was dying to work on his. Took a full hour, pulled out the stickers, glitter, markers....that kind of thing is right up his alley.

Both of them took their Valentines the next morning.

Next day, February 13th. Oh this day makes me so sad. Started out normal. We had our big cousin party planned for later on. Woke up and did the normal morning chores, got a quick workout in, finished up the games I was taking to our party. Got dressed. New jeans and new sweater I was wearing. Straightened my hair. I had been in such a happy lil mood all morning. Sun was shining. Just felt happy.

I was supposed to work the next day, which was Valentines. So I dressed my boys up this day and played around with my camera. A couple cute heart pictures of all of them.

I could cry looking at these faces. Just love them so much. My little lovebugs!

Got to Ashley's and got our little party going. These babies just kicked around, babbling to each other.

"Kiss the Frog". Carson said this was too girly, didn't stop him from playing though.

Made a Valentines version of "Don't Eat Pete". Needed for Carson's class party the next day but thought we could play it here too.

Lil' frog crafts.

And Bingo!

And after that, the day turned into a blur. My miscarriage started on this day. How quickly that day turned around.

In all honesty, Valentines has turned into a yucky memory. There was a lot of confusion at first if that was what was happening. Like I say I bled through my whole first trimester with Lincoln and a little with Drake. At first we kept thinking that was what was happening. My mom, bless her, came over early the next morning. We got me in to the doctor who did indeed still see the gestational sac and my hcg levels were still going up. So we were unsure. She said to just wait out the weekend, see if the bleeding got worse. So my mom spent the whole day with me. Puzzles with my boys, folding my laundry, fixing us lunch, letting me lay on her lap and cry. Such a dark, sad day but I still think back on my mom being there and feel so happy that she was. Moms just have a way about them. Especially my mom. Just sitting there next to her feels me with extra strength. The world always makes a little more sense when they are near.

My sweet boys. They played hard with my mom all day, had to cancel helping in Carson's little party which bummed me out. After school, Carson went over to Ashley's and played. Tried really hard to keep the day fun and positive. Hate for them to see me sad and emotional. And really they were the brightest part of all of this for me. Just so grateful for their sweet little spirits. They kept me focused on all that is good and happy in my life. Just so grateful to be their mom. That night we got the three of them together, Thiago went and picked up Wendy's for us and we gave them their Valentines.

Then Vovo and Vovo came over with even more Valentines...grateful, so grateful for all the good people in my life. And that my boys were able to feel the love that day.

It was a long, emotional weekend for me....it dragged out as long as possible until I finally lost it completely about a week later. But like I said, we are doing okay. Counting every blessing I have and know that these little spirits are mine to raise on the other side. I like to think of the three of them up there, together, watching us. I like to think they saw my hurt and my pain. And that they know it was because I loved them so very much. I like to think that they are right there watching and cheering me on. I like to think that they are giving me extra strength, watching over us and loving us back. Someday I will hold them in my arms. I will kiss their sweet cheeks. I will tell them I love them and am so grateful for their small, fleeting existence in my earthly life.

Why it was a very different Valentines, not full of sunshine and roses and candy and hearts. It was very much full of love. Full of the deepest kind of love. The kind that leaves you the most vulnerable. The kind that in the end has the tendency to leave you heartbroken, but the kind you can't imagine not having in your life. To not know that kind of love. Gosh, I'm grateful for it. Grateful for this little family of mine, living and not living. Grateful to be a part of it and to know its mine forever and ever. To eternity and beyone.

Heartache and loss...

2014-02-28T14:37:00.001-08:00

Well friends, I meant to share this picture in another 3 weeks. End of my first trimester. Baby number 4 was on its way. But it wasn't meant to be. Not yet anyways. We lost a baby the day before Valentines. Just typing it out, I can feel that hot pressure in my eyes...tears threatening still. That marks three losses for me. Three miscarriages in my 8 years of having children. 6 pregnancies, yet only three living.

All along I have said, I get a weird feeling when I thought about number 4. Its like my heart knew I would suffer some heartache first. Carson was easy, he was fast, tried for like 3 months and bam, we were pregnant. Smooth pregnancy. Then we tried for a second, finally a year later it happened. Only to end in a 8 weeks along miscarriage. Shocked me. You hear of it happening. Just can't believe its happening to you. It was a long and ugly miscarriage, that finally ended in a D&C. Took another 6 months to get pregnant, and once again, miscarriage. Early on. Only 5 weeks. Rocked me. Bad. I look back on that time of my life with alot of regret. I let it eat me alive. Took so long to get pregnant, then 2 back to back miscarriages. I was convinced I would never have another baby. It brought so much unhappiness and stress into our lives, into our home, into our marriage. Thiago stood strong by my side through it all, but I defintely let the heartache overcome me. Went through so much depression. Wish I had learned that life lesson a little easier. With more grace. Our lives are not on our own timetable, not our own blueprint. The Lord is behind us all, and has a much bigger plan. We don't always understand it, but I wish I had learned to just trust in it. Truly such a dark time in my life. Tried for a whole other year and half before I finally got pregnant with Lincoln. Bled off an on through the whole first trimester, had a blood clot next to him that eventually reabsorbed but sure caused me some stress in the meantime. Was convinced I was losing him. But I didn't, he eventually came along just fine. And a year later, here comes Drake. A complete surprise.

Looking back now, at the three boys I have. I wouldn't trade their timing for the world. They each came right when they were supposed to. The Lord knew what he was doing. I just lacked faith.

I have always known I wanted one more. I fully understand we don't always get what we want. But if possible, I did. I knew I wanted to wait a bit. Linc and Drake came so close together, and I really wanted this last one to be set apart. So I could enjoy it all one more time. To drag it out a little. Not ready to give up this baby stage. Call me crazy but I have the hardest time with my kids getting older, it truly is hard for me. So we said when Drake turned three. Mid December I went off birth control, then all that crazy ear stuff happened so we kinda got off track and that first month it didn't happen. So the next month, we tried. I wanted one. Didn't know what to expect, Carson was relatively fast, Lincoln and the babies before him took forever and Drake was a surprise. So imagine my shock, when that first month of trying and I was pregnant. Couldn't believe it. Yet from the begining, I had this nagging feeling. Like I knew, I was just waiting to lose it. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid, just scared from the others. Yet still, I tried to take it slow. Don't overthink. Don't get attached. I know the pain that comes from that all to well. But lets be honest, the mama heart is a funny thing. The minute you see those 2 pink lines. You are in it. Heart and soul. You are attached. Although this time you are not naive, you aren't innocent. You know a positive pregnancy test does not always result in a baby. You pray, you hope, you plead with your heavenly father....but still there is that uncertainity. So I bouyed myself up for the long old haul that is the first trimester for me. Cringing everytime I went to the bathroom, praying I would see no blood. That baby. My baby. The first thing I thought of upon waking, and the last before I closed my eyes each night. In my mind we became a family of six. My boys became a big brother again. The first time for Drake. I took my vitamins, I instantly changed the way I ate. The amount of water I drank. More veggies, more fruit. My hand seemed to find itself at my belly, as if I could guard my precious babe, keep it safe. Your heart grows instantly, instantly. Makes room for another. As hard as I tried to keep myself unattached, you just can't. You want that baby with every breath you take.

I'll never forget those moments that I first realize I'm miscarrying. I'll never forget them. Its like a knife stabbing away at your precious dream, over and over. Your blood seems to turn cold, my knees shake uncontollably. And all you can do is sit there, clinging to your own belly as if you are trying to keep it in. The most anguished and painful cry I think I've ever let out. The crying doesn't stop. The physical pain of losing a child, is quadrupled by the emotional pain. I know they happen. Quite often. Alot of us out there have lost a baby this way. It's common, they tell you. It happens. But I tell ya what friends, doesn't stop the pain. The hurt. So deep. Down in your soul. A little piece of you dies with that child that you will never get to hold. And you know, you are forever changed. Your heart will never quite be the same. You'll go on. You'll pick yourself up. Life will carry on. But in your heart, you lost something precious and that my friends stays with you. Times eases it. Another baby eases it. But I'll never forget those experiences. Etched in my heart. Forever and ever.

Thankfully, I feel as if I am in a better place this time. And I know its because of my children. I have indeed lost three babies, but I'm also raising three. Three beautiful, stong, healthy little boys. Three little boys that have my heart. They deserve the very best of me. Some woman aren't even given one baby, and I've got three. And I can honestly tell you these losses, while they hurt so deeply, have truly been a blessing in my life. They have made me stronger, better. They have made me the kind of mother I am so proud of. I can truly say I do not take this gift of motherhood for granted, I know how lucky I am. Not to say I don't have my moments. I'm not perfect. Not even close. I yell, I get impatient, I say things I don't mean. But for the most part I cherish every moment I have with them. They are my dream, I'm living my dream. All I ever wanted was to be their mom. So blessed I've been given the chance. Pray I get to do it again, that I can welcome one more little one into our lives. But if not, I'll be okay. I lead a full, happy, and blessed life with what I have been given.

And I will forever be grateful for that.

Insta-Update!

2014-02-24T16:05:00.002-08:00

Hang on...there's a ton. Haven't updated since first of November, but there are just too many pics that I love. So feel free to skip this if you don't want to see a TON of pictures!

Dropped Linc off at school, and on a whim decided to go pick up his birthday present. Just me, a babe in jammies, with no socks or slippers. But we did have a blanket. I'm not ready...he's not ready. 9:00 am. We went for it.

Their dad made them paper airplanes last night. Who knew it would bring so much joy.

Pumpkin bread. Finally crossed them off my autumn bucket list.

Free PTA skate night! Happy kids!

A church with no Drake. Hate to say it but WAY more enjoyable.

I spy....Drake!

We always make a trip to the book fair during SEP week.

Early out week at school. They have gotten out at 1:25 every single day. I have been loving his company.

3 hours later and we are all cleaned up. Floors scrubbed, dishes done, new toys stacked in front of the fireplace. I'm sitting down finally. These parties are lots of work, but so, so worth it. He was so happy. Felt so special. Thanks family for coming, and for loving my Lincoln boy the way that you do.

The sign said no pictures. I didn't obey.

Thanksgiving Preschool feast for my two little buddies. One brought bread, the other grapes!

He never wants to get out....

Dad's up on the roof...can only mean one thing. Christmas lights!

Here goes 1000 calories. I plan on eating alot of pie this Thanksgiving weekend.

"Catching Fire" and hot chocolate. I kinda love this night. And my boy. I love him too.

Good Morning from Grand America!

My lil friends. One of those days where I feel extra grateful to be home with them.

Everytime I try to load us up in the car I have to chase this maniac down. He's out here, cruising the yard with his gun shooting down all the "bad guys". Heaven help me with all these boys.

Got home from church and had to go back for tithing settlement an hour later. Lincoln's exact words were this "no more freakin church, I don't want to go back there. We have already been there ALL day". Rough life being five.

When I was a little girl my mom put plug in candles in our windows during December. Part of our outside lights. I use to lay there in my warm bed with my electric blanket. I could hear the television my dad was watching in his bedroom, could hear my mom, moving around downstairs in the kitchen. My room all dark except those candles. We put plug in snowman/santa lights in the boys' rooms. They're cheesy as heck. But they make me smile. They are warm and cheery and comforting. Hope my boys' feel that too.

We're gonna shop til we drop today! Finishing up everything.

Freezing our little butts off out here.

Hobbit with our boy. This kid is the biggest movie nerd and I love it!! Just like his mom and dad.

Under the mistletoe.

Someone got "Despicable Me 2" the other night. I have walked in on this little arrangement all over my house today. Pretty sure he's seen it one too many times.

Got him in his jammies in front of the fireplace one night. Now its his spot of choice. I'll oblige.

After almost 11 years of marriage the sight of this boy still makes my heart so happy. He is by far a better man than I deserve. I'm lucky to have him standing next to me.

Getting my wrapping done.

Their Tia gave them gift cards. Having too much fun picking out their own toys.

Sleeping in is bliss. Wish it happened more often.

Wait all year for this nap. Late New Years Eve, big breakfast and a nasty cold...try and stop me. I'll be right here, resting my eyes.

Made it to the grocery store. Hubby was my chauffeur and my heavy lifter. And don't you worry my poor little ear stayed warm, dry, and covered up.

Love when my kitchen holds my favorite people.

Lil friends...

I peak at him trhough the window. When he does the driveway. Or mows the lawn. Or washes the cars. I'm inside. Organizing toys and putting together a thick stew for dinner. He does his thing. I do mine. Only we do it for each othere. For our family. It makes me happy. He always makes me happy.

First time in over a week that I got ready for the day. Definitely deserves a selfie with my Carson boy. He's off to school and I'm off to work. Hoping my headaches behave themselves.

Watching dads soccer game. Trying to keep them from running up and down the bleachers. Annoys the crap out of me when kids do that.

Love this skinny dork of a baby. Fresh out of the tub. Running away from me in just his diaper. Scrawny little legs. Holding his ironman and blowing up my lamp (or trying to at least). He's quite the little gem. And sure does make my world a happy one.

Their teams finally played each other tonight. They even got to guard each other. Not gonna lie...pretty humerous. Neither of them are naturals. Gotta love it.

Um excuse me naked Spider-Man. Have you seen Drake?? His mother is trying to leave the house, and she can't seem to find him and get him dressed....

Couldn't be in Cache County without stopping in on our Gran.

Skiing with grandma!

Our typical Friday night includes Little Caesars, treadmill, early to bed kids and DVR time. Very rarely do we actually go out on a Friday. It's a real treat. Even better cause we're meeting friends.

Just sittin here. With an Elle Bell and a baby Boston. Doing a whole lot of nothing.

Well friends... 11 years of marriage and three kids later...wedding dress still fits! Cleaning out my basement and this is how I have wasted the last half hour. Doin work today!

Putting on my jewelry and listening to them talk about Ninjago's like its a real life event. Love listening to them when they don't know I am.

Love this weirdo!

Jazz game tonight. Ya know so I can people watch and eat treats. We all know I don't really pay much attention to the actual game.

Yikes! That's it through January. Sorry friends. Long one!

My 31st!

2014-02-19T17:03:00.001-08:00

31st birthday. Came and gone. I gotta tell you my holidays are a little screwy this year. Sick as a dog all New Years and New Years Eve with my ear. Thiago gone and me working for Drake's birthday. My birthday brought some odd car trouble. Worked out in the end, but boy did it cause me some serious stress on my day of birth. Then Valentines, oh friends...that's a whole other story. Post to come. But it was a sad day. Anywho, kinda thinking my 2014 is off to a very rocky start. Hoping things settle the crap down around this Cano household. I don't deal well with unexpected change every other week. So my day started out slow, still sporting Drake's avengers birthday balloons. And his banner was up still to. Why not. My birthday deserves a dang banner, even if it was superheroes. I'm special too!

Absolutely nothing going on that morning. Besides laundry, and babysitting, and a quick run on the treadmill.

With these friends by my side...exciting stuff.

Then Thiago called with some bummer news about one of our cars. And enter stress. In the end it all worked out. I actually got myself the new car we were waiting on til next year. Chevy Traverse. Pics to come. But the actual day was spent on the phone, pricing, figuring, stressing. Ugh! A bright spot in my day was this cute little note hanging on my fridge. Carson had worked on something the night before for my birthday. Hid it under the bunkbeds so I wouldn't see it. Appearantly he was afraid he would forget it, so he wrote himself this little note as a reminder. And in case he really forgot, he had me add that bottome line on. Just in case.

Tada!! Darling. He also drew a big heart and an I love you and a princess which was supposed to be me on the back. This kid. Straight to my heart. Love him.

Finally pulled myself together and showered and got ready for my big birthday dinner. Me and my twinner.

We all met at Maddox in Brigham city. Right smack in the middle for me and Jen. We were all there. Mom and Dean. Phongsavaths, Smiths, Tammy and Hal, Granny O, Gus and Amanda. Sure missed Jill and the rest of the Cano's, but so glad for all that was there. I tell ya the older you get all that matters is the people you love. So blessed to have so many beautiful people in my corner. I'd be lost in this world without them. Love you family.

My honey surprised me with a present. A big present. One I'd been DYING for. And he used his Christmas money to buy it. Which meant even more to me. I tell ya. Love that man. So good to me.

That there kitchen aid you can see in the corner of this pic. Friends, I wanted one so bad for so very long . But dang those things are expensive. Couldn't bring myself to buy one. Love being given one though. And its my color. My aqua. Love it.

Boxed up a piece of raspberry cream pie and headed home. Put our kids to bed, and snuggled up with my love. Little dessert, little DVR. Good ending to a pretty good birthday. Considering.

And I know you wanted another look at that kitchenaid.

What a beauty!