Q: Whenever someone brings donuts into the office, there are always a few people who cut a donut in half and leave one half in the box. I feel this is rude, as it is unappetizing to see food that has been cut up and left. I understand they only want half a donut, but I feel they should take the whole thing and throw half away, or offer it to someone who wants the other half. I don’t want to eat someone else’s half donut. Is it polite and appropriate to cut up communal food on a serving platter or box and leave half?

Miss Manners says: Sorry, but as long as a knife is used or the cut is otherwise clean, Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with leaving half a donut. Throwing the other half away is wasteful, and trying to find an immediate taker for it would be tedious. As consolation, perhaps you can start a movement to have your co-workers bring donut holes to work instead.

Your Head Bitch says: Not to gang up on you, but yeah, veto. Miss M is exactly right, as long as the knife is clean, this is perfectly acceptable. Plenty of people don’t want a whole doughnut, and these halves, in my experience, do not go to waste. Your Head Bitch herself often finds herself happy to take a remaining half someone has left behind. This is especially true if I wish to try multiple flavors of things but not eat two doughnuts. One half a caramel an one half a key lime? Yes, please! I see no manners issues here at all.

Let the people live!!

Q: We lost power from a hurricane for 10 days. We were lucky we suffered no major damage to our home or our property. However, once gasoline became available, some neighbors began running generators 24 hours a day. It was so noisy that we had to close our windows to sleep, which became the worst part of the hurricane experience. Unless a person requires one for medical conditions, what do you think should be the proper etiquette for running a generator? I know that if you run it two or three hours in the morning and another two or three hours in the evening, you can power up your freezer and save the contents.

Miss Manners says: Etiquette rules can survive hurricanes (and worse) because they have exceptions to deal with actual circumstances. This is a perennial source of disappointment to the anti-etiquette crowd, who proudly discover etiquette’s fatal flaw by asserting (incorrectly) that it would be rude to shout at someone to warn them of a fast-approaching car. The rule in your case is that keeping the neighbors up at night is rude, but excusable in the case of unavoidable necessity. The immediate aftermath of a once-in-20-years disaster qualifies. What does not qualify are events that used to be once-in-20-years, but are now common and manageable. It is also unacceptable to cite the exception long after there has been time to find a more considerate solution, or to ignore consideration for others even when there is no justifying necessity – which is the point that likely applies to your situation.

Your Head Bitch says: Yes, generators are loud, but you can hardly begrudge someone for using an emergency generator in an…emergency. I would suggest that there are other solutions aside from closing the windows – perhaps sleeping in another room where the windows can be left open? And I would further suggest that you are making assumptions about your neighbors. Not all medical conditions are visible, and plenty of medications need to be kept at a consistent temperature rather than taken right up to the line of being too warm as you’re suggesting. I would say give them the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming they’re being inconsiderate, and remember that you’re all doing your best to make it through a difficult situation. And, even better, this issue is temporary. But hey, if you similarly need to store something in their fridge, I think you can certainly feel welcome to ask!

I mean, would you rather they had to do this?

Q: I am recovering from a fairly bad cold that I suspect I caught during my last hair appointment. While getting my hair washed, several workers were coughing and sneezing around me. I get all the vaccines and wear masks on planes, but it is hard to wear a mask during a haircut. Should I even mention this suspicion the next time I’m at the salon? If so, what to say without sounding accusatory? It seems folks have forgotten the lessons from the pandemic.

Miss Manners says: That there is no national consensus on what was learned from the pandemic may be one of the few things the country can agree on. But the etiquette around employees exposing customers to more mundane illnesses in commercial establishments is the same as it was before: Express your concerns privately to the boss so as not to single out or embarrass individual employees.

Your Head Bitch says: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not blame people for what is for sure a structural and societal problem, not a manners one. That probably is indeed how you got sick. And in fairness to them, it’s probably how they got sick too, people have indeed forgotten the lessons of the pandemic and are wilding out showing up sick to all kinds of shit they shouldn’t. But, do also remember that salon employees are generally contractors – if they don’t work they don’t get paid. And perhaps you can afford to miss a paycheck, but not everyone is that privileged. I hate to break it to you, but they probably don’t have health insurance either.

Of course, they should not have to work sick, but is that their actual situation? Is there paid sick leave at your salon? If you’re going to bring anything up to the boss, you should start there, rather than calling out working people who are just trying to get by in this world. Try perhaps ‘I was wondering, do your employees have paid sick leave? I was concerned that people seemed to be working sick last time I was in, and I want to be sure the salon I patronize is helping its employees in providing this type of support.’ There will always be some stubborn people who will work sick regardless, but by using your voice to advocate for them, you can help make sure they don’t have to if they don’t want to, which has the added benefit of helping your main concern as well.

Fight the power, not the people.

Q: My wife and I were hosting dinner for an old friend at a local restaurant. On arrival we saw another mutual friend, who also knew our guest. Those two talked for about 10 minutes while my wife and I were settled at the table. We had no qualms about that, since they had not seen each other in a long time. At the end of the meal, we find that the friend we had happened on had discreetly paid our check before he left. We had no idea. The next day I wrote him a sincere thank-you note from myself, my wife and our friend. The question is whether our friend should also send a note, even though I wrote on behalf of all of us. It seems likely that his being there was the primary reason it happened.

Miss Manners says: Are you, as it were, asking for a friend? As you were already taking this friend out for dinner, you were the host and the one who primarily benefited from the transaction. Miss Manners agrees that it would be gracious of your friend to thank the mutual friend, but whether or not he does is not your concern. That you did it for him was even more hostly.

Your Head Bitch says: He absolutely should! But if he does or not is not your concern, and it is not your job to prompt him. I join Miss M in complimenting extending your hosting to your friend by including him in your note, though regardless of who you think the gift was particularly directed at, it is proper that you extend your thanks. Now, if your friend asks you if he should write, the answer is yes. But otherwise, he’s an adult who is capable of sending a note saying how nice it was to see the other friend and how kind of him to buy dinner, and he should be expected to act as such. Unless you also happen to be his mother, you have to let it lie.

Hold!

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

-Mark Twain

Q: Referring to “guys” has become a constant refrain during newscasts: “Now over to you guys” for every opening, and “Back to you guys” for every conclusion. No matter how formal and expensive a restaurant is, the server will greet customers with “How are you guys?” They will then come around during the meal to inquire “How are you guys doing?” and end with, “You guys have a nice night” – regardless of the gender of the diners. Is anyone else bothered by this? It is getting worse every day. Once you start noticing it, it can drive you crazy.

Miss Manners says: Indeed. And the widespread use of “guys” to address women is particularly mystifying after the fraught learning process of changing job titles from masculine to neutral – “fireman” to “firefighter,” “stewardess” to “flight attendant,” and such. Miss Manners is just grateful she is not the language police.

Your Head Bitch says: Ah, yes. And yet, still, the only thing more annoying than being called ‘guys’ is being called 'girls.’ I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was still 8 years old. Can your Head Bitch return once again to preach the gospel of y'all? It’s gender-neutral, not offensive (unless you write it as ya’ll in which case, I will absolutely fight you, what words do you think you’re contracting?!) and broadly applicable. If you think you’re simply too stiff to pull it off, 'How are you all?’ works just as fluidly, don’t worry. And we may not be the language police, but it IS rude to misgender people. So don’t do that! Inclusive language is always a win.

Nice try!

Q: Since some political figures have demonstrated and encouraged boorish behavior, what was once seen as good breeding is now eschewed as unnecessary or unmanly. Is there still a place in such a world for civility? Many cringe-worthy statements are applauded by a (thin) majority of people in the U.S.

Miss Manners says: Well, that’s the problem: voters who think that rudeness and vulgarity are signs of strength, and that dignity and the willingness to cooperate in order to get things done are signs of weakness. And yet people crave to be treated civilly. Miss Manners is often asked what can be done to make our leaders behave in what used to be called a statesmanlike way. It’s called voting.

Your Head Bitch says: Yes, it’s important to remember that people who support this hideous behavior are a small minority, and that the overwhelming majority of people do not want these things to be done and said in their name. But did they vote in a way that reflected this two years ago? They did not. Or they didn’t vote at all. So Miss M’s point is correct - we need to vote them the fuck out of office. But, until then, we need to hold them to account at every turn. And we need to hold the people around them to account at every turn. Because the point of hoping we can just ride it out for four years has long since passed. So we need to be vocal and active in showing what we want and expect out of the people in office every single day. No exceptions.

And in your own life, do not succumb to the easy path. When it feels like no one is kind or caring it’s easy to just fall into that same path yourself. You can’t. When it feels like vulgarity is winning, it’s more important than ever to embrace civility and kindness in your own life and actions. Live the example you want to see and never back down. How other people act is up to them, how you act is up to you. Meet your own standards, above all else.

In all things, bbs.

Q: My boyfriend is in a play this weekend. I want to do something special for him, but I don’t know what is proper. Please help. Is a corsage old-fashioned? What would be a good idea for this?

Miss Manners says: Sorry, Miss Manners would like to be of help, but a corsage is a bad idea. And not because it is old-fashioned. Bouquets of flowers are usually presented only to female actors. However, during the curtain call, outstanding – or maybe just good-looking – male actors are sometimes pelted with loose flowers by their admirers. You could do that if the gentleman in question does not embarrass easily. (And if he does, he should probably take up a different hobby.) But it might be better to do something less conspicuous. If you can take a photograph of him in costume at a rehearsal or fitting, you might frame it, rush at him at whatever passes for a stage door, and beg him to autograph it for you. A request for him to autograph a program will also do. The point is to behave like an adoring fan.

Your Head Bitch says: Fuck the gender norms and give the man a bouquet, for heaven’s sake! A corsage, to me, seems a bit cringe in this case – a little too prom-y. But men comment often about how they are expected to give flowers but never receive them - by all means, break the cycle! I love Miss M’s other ideas as well, and I think asking him to sign a playbill is a very cute idea. You can them use it to make a shadowbox with some mementos from the play – tickets, a small prop, a dried flower, etc. which will make a meaningful keepsake. We love a craft moment on BPBTY! Don’t make gender the defining factor in how you celebrate someone, make it what they will appreciate and feel loved by above all else.

Flowers bring joy no matter who you are, let’s not deprive anyone.

Q: Is it acceptable to invite more people to your wedding than may be accommodated, on the theory that inevitably some invitees will decline? Does it matter whether the limit is set by law, venue policy or logistical necessity?

Miss Manners says: How much of a gambler are you? Most people invite more people than they expect to accept because, unless you are hosting an all-expenses paid wedding in Venice, someone is going to decline. But once you have invited people, you are stuck with them. That is the rock. The hard place is that neither the law nor the venue will be moved by the fact that you invited more people than can be accommodated. Not knowing exactly what you mean by “logistical necessity,” it is harder for Miss Manners to evaluate its elasticity. Assuming you fit within the law and the venue requirements, you will know better than Miss Manners if the guests will mind being packed in close enough that they have to be careful not to spill soup on one another – they’re your family and friends. This is why the A and B lists were invented.

Your Head Bitch says: Sure, if you have 5 people over the venue limit on the A list go ahead an invite them all knowing that a few people won’t accept or bring plus ones, etc. But you absolutely do not invite 400 people cold to a venue with a 250 person limit knowing some will decline. Finessing a wedding guest list is like landing a plane. One doesn’t simply drop out of the sky into exactly the right number. You ease it in, bit by bit. Does this mean you need to send out your A list invites quite early in order to not be inviting people offensively late? Yes, it absolutely does. But that’s life. To pull it off with aplomb, one needs to plan ahead. As Miss M says, once you invite them there are no take-backs. So be strategic.

You want a crowded dance floor, but not one so crowded that you wedding gets crashed by the fire marshal.

Q: When is the proper time to attach an anniversary band to your wife’s wedding band?

Miss Manners says: While you are still married.

Your Head Bitch says: As these are the purview of people who are attempting to sell jewelry, and not something that manners has a say on, it’s difficult to answer. Though Your Head Bitch will give it more of a go than Miss M. I would say your assorted 5 or 10 year anniversaries are a good bet. But I might also suggest it’s a kind thing to consider if, for example, she is pregnant, and a size up might fit more comfortably. These would not be worn together, necessarily, but would provide her with a comfortable alternative during a relatively uncomfortable time. DO NOT ADVERTISE that it is a size up. Simply play dumb, and if it happens to fit better, that’s a ‘lucky’ break. Be prepared to offer to have it re-sized at a later date if needed.

Remember, a jewelry upgrade for your wife is never a negative.

“When the world is so complicated, the simple gift of friendship is within all of our hands.”

—Maria Shriver

Q: Is it impolite to send a handwritten note as an RSVP when directed on the wedding invitation to use a QR code instead?

Miss Manners says: No, it is not impolite. That it will also annoy the hosts is just butter on the bread.

Your Head Bitch says: Eeeeehhhhh. I wold argue that it’s not impolite – it is, of course, the perfectly correct way to RSVP to a wedding invitation. However, I slightly take issue with the doing it with the intention of annoying the host, which feels needlessly petty to me. Which is to say, it’s not impolite, but it is inconsiderate. Would your Head Bitch put a QR code on an invitation? Never. I shudder at the thought of how ugly it would look. However, I do understand why they might do it (costs, the need to inquire about additional questions like allergies, meal choice, etc.), and do not feel ‘annoying’ the happy couple should be a stated goal here. I might say in my note something about struggling to work the code, and how happy you are to attend. Surely their grandmother did the same. But this contriteness is slightly important, as you have also created an additional task for them in terms of needing to follow up with you about whatever else the website might have asked, and you should not necessarily feel morally superior about that, okay? They don’t necessarily need an extra task in this moment.

And know that this is how they will picture you when your note arrives.

BPBTY is taking the day off for the holiday! But if you’re American, be careful with bbq sauce near your white linen. If you’re not, we love you too and see you next week. xo, HB

Q: There are so many etiquette rules stifling the truth. You’re not allowed to say that you had a terrible time at a party, that someone is ugly, that you hated a gift, etc. Don’t you believe in free speech

Miss Manners says: Of course Miss Manners, an American and a journalist, believes in free speech. She also believes in having the good sense to realize that you don’t always need to exercise it. And that is because she also believes in maintaining the peace.

Your Head Bitch says: Primarily I believe in not being a dick. What purpose does the truth actually serve in this situation? To make someone else feel shitty about something they can’t change? What does that gain you? The shining glow of ‘telling the truth’? Congrats, I guess? Of course freedom of speech still exists. You can say what you want, but everyone else will think you’re a dick. And that’s their right as well. Then at least I guess you don’t have to worry about being invited to parties you might hate? If you want to take the hardest path possible through this world, that’s your business.

Do you, boo.

Q: It is like a compulsion for many people to forward emails they’ve received, usually filled with jokes and such. To my surprise, many seem to enjoy those emails. I stopped everybody from forwarding me those emails by telling them the truth: If I want jokes, I will buy a book of jokes. I have TV sets, radios, newspapers and all kinds of ways I can get the latest news from around the world. I also have a computer that gives me everything I want and need, but when I want and need it. Some of my friends were surprised at my decision. “Oh, but my jokes are SO funny!” they tell me, but I never lost an interesting correspondent by telling them not to send me any forwarded messages. I delete them right away.

Miss Manners says: So you already have a solution. You just want to admonish your humorless friends and boast about how dispensable they are? Yes, the practice of forwarding these emails can be annoying. But if that is your test for good companionship, Miss Manners fears you will have a lonely life of censoring everyone you know. Because bad taste in humor (or more accurately, taste that is something other than your own) is not just confined to inboxes, but to all social situations, even (especially) familial ones. One would think it would be easier just to humor the humorless and quietly delete their emails, rather than obliterate the relationship with their senders.

Your Head Bitch says: Girl. Did you respond every time someone sent you a chain letter in middle school and tell them to lose your address? These are just chain letters for old people. No one is actually counting the replies to these things (well, maybe the chain letters from your youth…), they simply want to send them. Let them have the joy of sending them and you can have the joy of deleting them without admonishing them for being bores. If someone says to you ‘Didn’t you get my email?’, which trust me, they won’t, you can say something like 'oh, you send so many, I’m sure I must have seen it but I don’t remember specifically.’ This might encourage them to cut down, but don’t bank on it. You can simply let people have their fun without ruining their day. It’s actually the kinder solution.

Telling people not to contact you is NOT one of the chapters in How to Win Friends and Influence People, ok?